Birthday Month Update · 9:02am May 3rd
Hey Fimfiction. Sorry we left on depressing terms with the last blog post. I’m glad to say that’s shifted a bit in the months since. My depression was pretty brutal for most of the first three months of the year, but in April that really began turning around. I’m glad to say I’m doing much better than I was. I got a new therapist and I’m going to do EMDR and Trauma work with her. I’m hopeful that being able to work through that will help me prepare for a better future. I’m excited to say I’ve knocked off two debts so far this year (hopeful to make it 3 by the end of the month!) in my quest to crush my debt.
It’s been a lot of change all at once. March and April I ended up going out a lot more than usual. Sleepovers at my best friend’s, to get coffee or food, to a bar, to get my favorite Korean food. Being able to go so many places has healed so many pieces of me. Every time I travel I find so much joy, even if the distance is short. I’m going to sleepover at my best friend’s house this next week and I can’t wait to have some time to really relax. Being able to talk to her is the best. Some tea is best had in person.
There were some definite bad points along the way, which I have to acknowledge. A friend of my dad’s introduced me to a guy who seemed very nice and respectful. Less than 4 days later I blocked him for a major red flag. In retrospect: Absolutely great choice. He’s homeless and an alcoholic right now. Man was not at a point to give anything to anybody but himself right then. And there was a lot of drama with my dad, but those of you who have been here a while know that’s nothing new. It’s just been a lot to deal with mentally. He keeps going on about how he won’t be here forever as though I’m not painfully aware of that every single minute of the day. I spend time with him in spite of my better judgement in hopes of capturing a few good memories with him that I can look back on happily. I got one yesterday. Surprised him with a bottle of Chivas Regal for his birthday (Our birthday, since we were born on the same day, but I wanted that to be his day). Ordered him some pizza, and we had a shot together. It was very positive, and hopefully a day I can look back on the same way down the road.
I’ve been reflecting a lot lately because my birthday is this month. About what I have accomplished and who I am. I think I’ve had to accept a lot of difficult truths in order to further my future. I think I’ve really started confronting my demons in a way that will lay the groundwork for a better future for myself. I feel more hopeful now than I did. This is just a moment, and it will pass. I lived through so many moments where I was sure I was going to die, I never thought I had a future. I spent all my time trying to survive, and now I have to get ready because the future is coming. I’m doing my best to do better by my future self. I like to think I’m succeeding.
My dog is doing well and is getting more social. He’s more used to people coming to the house ever since my cousin and my dad’s friend started coming over more. He got his nails done last week and did fantastically with it. I’m taking him for his annual check up next week before I go to my bestie’s house. He’s a very happy little dude, and is currently sleeping across both of my pillows as I type this like the king he is.
My bestie is starring in a theatre production of Mean Girls and is gonna be Regina George, and she invited me to a showcase for it during our last sleepover. I went there and got to meet her girlfriend of almost a year, and she was so sweet and kind. My bestie was very happy with her and I was glad she found such a lovely partner. We sang through the entire soundtrack for hazbin hotel that night in a karaoke sesh after some drinks. It was fantastic.
I graduated from my last therapist who is continuing to work with me and my current therapist for occasional CBT touch ups on coping skills, but now I’m doing trauma specific therapy which is brand new. I know some dark things will be unlocked, but I feel ready to face them. It’s going to be hard work, but I feel that I owe it to myself to build a better future, and that includes laying the past to rest first. I want to become the best version of myself. No matter what it takes.
In my 29th year, I’m hopeful that I can continue to do the work I need to do in order to secure the future I want. I think I’m going to keep moving forward. Whatever that looks like, whatever it takes, my survival rate so far is 100%. I must be doing something right. I recently realized I don’t give myself enough credit for who I am as a person. But I should do it more. I hope in the next year I grow in that part of myself. I want to step into who I am, and not who I am to everyone else.
If you’re in your late teens or early twenties reading this blog post, then I want you to know that it gets better. When I was 21 I was in a relationship with a man who I hardly ever saw, was in a dead end job, and was dead set on getting married to be able to get out of the house I was in. I was trapped at home and was in and out of the psych hospital constantly. I was not happy in any sense of the word. I was on medication that made me sleep too much and made me lactate. I would constantly get asked if I was pregnant at my job, and I wasn’t. My best friend had just cut ties with me at her husband’s behest.
At almost 29 years old, that friend is now divorcing the husband and escaped a cult with my help. I made another best friend and she makes me laugh so much. The man I was in a relationship is now happily a woman with whom I am still friends that lives a few states over. I quit the job and focused on writing which many people hope I pursue. I am currently not on medication (Take your meds kids, your meds are good for you, mine were just screwing up my body and brain chemistry and were not fit for my needs), and have been out of the hospital for a full two years. I moved out and was on my own for a short time where I did very well. I have good friends, a sense of who I am, and my baby girl that I love very much. My life now is so much better than it was when I was just starting out, or even when I was in my mid to late twenties. It’s really possible for life to change at any moment, and sometimes that change is for the better. You are going to do so many new things, and so many of them will be happy. Don’t forsake all of that possible happiness when you are in the darkest trenches, because you will see the sun again eventually.
Whoever you are that’s reading this, I hope you know that it can and will be bad at times, yes. But there is always the possibility for great things in their midst. You can get from surviving to thriving. The worst will eventually end. And someday, you will look back at who you were, and think of how far you have come since then. I’m proud of where I went, personally. I faced a lot of demons, I survived them, and I had as many good moments in between as one can have. I loved those bits of heaven that got sprinkled over my life even when it was hard. When I put off saving and did so many commissions I struggled with to afford seeing my baby girl, but I made it happen and got to spend Mother’s Day with her. When my fiancé at the time didn’t want to go on our honeymoon (I know, I know, I was so far in denial, this was so bad) my best friend came to the hotel instead and we went to ruby tuesday and got huge margaritas from the circle k nearby to drink while we listened to music and watched horror movies. The old friends I got in touch with who enriched my life.
It was worth it. All of the bad stuff. Because those moments of heaven of seeing the beach in Florida, or smelling the air in Michigan, or getting to take my family to Korean barbecue, were those moments that made me glad I lived long enough to see them.
Thank you all for sticking with me on my journey as a person even though I’m currently not writing for MLP. I do think I’ll be back someday, but currently I’m 56 chapters deep in a Hazbin Hotel fanfic that is absolutely killing me and making me all at the same time. It’ll break the fifth highest stats of any fic I’ve written by this time tomorrow, and I am so proud of that. I miss all of you, and if I write for any of your fandoms, check my ao3! I post daily for whatever fic I’m currently working on.
If you feel so inclined to be generous and would like to help me on my debt crushing journey, my payment info is in my Florida blog post here.
Cheers to 29 <3
Cheers!
I'm very happy to know that you are recovering. I hope it continues like this. I have faith that many good things will still happen. I will be praying for you. May God continue to bless you and provide you with much happiness.