The Best Worst Fic Tournament: Semi-finals · 12:24pm Apr 13th, 2019

Four fics are left in the fight, but only two will be going to the final round. The torment is nearly over. Did I say torment? I meant tournament. That is what I meant.

Ten Minutes:     Gassy
 Aftermath     Vengeance
     \_____________/
            |
          WINNER
      ______|______
     /             \
Mane Camp        Attack
                 of the
                Gargoyles

H: Ten Minutes: Aftermath by Chatoyance
I: Gassy Vengeance by The Dark Wolf
U: Mane Camp by Canterlot Voice
6: The Adventures of Dragon Charge and Friends: Attack of the Gargoyles by PonyRob

Match 1

H: Ten Minutes: Aftermath (6th)
by Chatoyance
vs
I: Gassy Vengeance (1217th)
by The Dark Wolf

Ten Minutes: Aftermath

Sky Shimmer, Michael's now-ponified girlfriend, pleads with him to give up his desire to blow up the planet. This is the last straw for him, and he surrenders.

Mirroring Celestia's logic, Michael claims that he didn't think the ponies had free will either - I guess equating them to zombies in his head? That's the only way I can reconcile his next claim that he "never wanted to kill anyone" with his murderous actions. If he genuinely thought ponies were zombie invaders or monstrous animals, then I guess you could give him a pass on the whole murdering thing. Hell, it makes more sense than Celestia's weird claims about determinism.

Finally realizing the error of his ways, Michael repents and gives in to the transformation.

There's a sudden, jarring jump to Michael waking up as a new pony. This is a bit confusing and I think the fic might be trying to pull a dream fakeout on me, since Michael believes that his Conversion Dream has already happened, which was already contradicted by earlier events in the story. He meets a bunch of his now-ponified former soldier friends, and that's where the text ends.

Gassy Vengeance

After Rainbow takes the hit of a 1-hour flatulence curse, Rarity realize that the Sirens are behind their recent gassy grief. Unfortunately, Aria picked the wrong Rainboom to mess with, as Rainbow sits on her face and farts her into unconsciousness. That is a line that I just wrote.

Defeated, Aria returns home to face the music with Adagio. Sonata also arrives home following her farting contest with Pinkie, her stupidity angering Adagio so much that she sends Sonata away forever. Oh god, did I switch fics?

With nowhere else to go, Sonata returns to Pinkie, who lets her move in with her. Awwww. Also, they fart some more, because they're into that.

Fearing further flatulent failures, Aria destroys her magic stone, so Adagio is now the only one left and decides to enact her vengeance alone. Spoiler warning: her plan involves making the Rainbooms fart.

Karmically, Sonata accidentally gives Adagio away after she casts the curse, and although the text ends here I think it's safe to assume that she's about to get farted on like there's no tomorrow.

Comparison

One thing I like about Gassy Vengeance is that it doesn't really feel like it has any self-awareness. It doesn't laugh at itself, or try to convince you that it's telling a funny joke; it plays the concept about as straight as it can, almost to the point of mundanity. That gives it a consistently amusing deadpan throughout, which I enjoy.

The Dazzlings feel a lot more like classically villainous sisters, with Adagio's schemes constantly being foiled by Aria's and Sonata's ambition and/or ineptitude. It's a fun villain dynamic of the kind that you might expect from a Saturday morning cartoon.

But alas for those hoping for a flatulent finale, it can't win this match. Gassy Vengeance really only has one joke - and while that is kind of what makes it an adorably stupid read, it means that the fic has pretty much played itself out at this point.

Ten Minutes: Aftermath has the benefit of an unfair advantage: me. It's just my kinda fic. Wish-fulfillment is my guilty pleasure, and this is one of the better fics that offers it.

(Admittedly, many such fics are quite poor, so it's not a very high bar).

But it'd still win anyway because I do think it's the more competently-written of the two fics, and it is the one that I want to see to the end. While the melodrama is strong and the character motivations aren't entirely convincing, that doesn't diminish the emotive power of the fic for me.

Also all the humans turn into ponies and I like that

Winner: Ten Minutes: Aftermath

Match 2

U: Mane Camp (1524th)
by Canterlot Voice
vs
6: The Adventures of Dragon Charge and Friends: Attack of the Gargoyles (1883rd)
by PonyRob

Mane Camp

Well, here we go, our penultimate match. The last round ended with a cliffhanger as Twilight ordered "Subject One" to be brought out, apparently in a bid to convince Dash that getting her wings chopped off is a good thing. I don't like where this is going, since the fic mentioned earlier that Fluttershy had gone missing, and...

...well, I was wrong, but the answer is no more pleasant. Subject One turns out to be Trixie with Derpy's wings surgically attached, in a failed bid to artificially restore alicorn purity.

It feels like the fic has stopped joking at this point and is just now straight-up creepypasta, as it starts introducing Auschwitz parallels and we learn that their biological experimentation has killed (or at least, mutilated) Scootaloo and Fluttershy too. Murderously enraged, Dash sonic-rainbooms her way out of Twilight's shield (which is a pretty badass moment, I'll admit), and the text ends there. Great, another cliffhanger.

The Adventures of Dragon Charge and Friends: Attack of the Gargoyles

The gargoyles, having succeeded in vanquishing the only ponies capable of opposing them, kidnap all the children of Equestria and hold them hostage. Feels like that would be quite an operation, but then the show has always played fast and loose with population mathematics too, so it's on theme at least.

Dragon, Critic, Retro, and Tenacity conveniently acquire a stealth jet from a veteran of "the Gargoyle Wars", a conflict that has never been mentioned even once in this story, and is in fact impossible, since the fic already established that the gargoyles are from 1000 years ago and that only alicorns can live that long. Oh well, maybe it was explained in ORIGIN OF DRAGON CHARGE or something.

They make it to the castle where they somehow know the gargoyles have taken the Elements of Harmony. Since this is a stealth mission in the very heart of enemy territory, they decide that now's the time to have a long, distracting conversation and get to know each other. This part is mirroring the trials of the Everfree Forest, and I'll give the fic some credit for giving its own spin on it; having them discover their Elements in a a trap-filled gargoyle labyrinth is a nice change of pace from the usual Everfree adventure.

Comparison

Honestly, Mane Camp is just unpleasant at this point. It is trying to be, so I can't fault it for that, but do I really want to go on reading a Nazi-themed creepypasta? ...no. No I don't. Sigh.

And Attack of the Gargoyles can't save me from it. The two stories aren't even in the same league of writing quality. AOTG is making a good try to hit the story beats, but does so awkwardly and superficially. There's no foreshadowing, no events that build on anything previously-established, and no time spent on anything. There's even a bit where the author refers to a scene that never actually happened - I guess he forgot to put it in. I sorta like the characters now that they've all said a couple of lines, but it isn't enough. It's not nearly enough.

And so this is where I'm put in a horrible dilemma again by my win criterion, because I don't want to continue reading Mane Camp, but I know in my heart that it is the better-written of the two fics by a long way.

Is a qualitative assessment enough? Doesn't moral integrity factor into this too? Can a fic justifiably be considered "bad" if it is insensitive? Offensive? Abhorrent? Are downvotes an acceptable method of protesting against immorality, as well as quality?

When I called this tournament "The Best Worst Fic Tournament", I was trying to make a personal judgement on which fics really deserve their low placements in the rankings. And it is personal. My valuations are not objective and don't have to be. I can, and have, favored fics purely on grounds of personal taste. I've gone with the fics that made connections with me, and sometimes that has worked in the favor of a fic of lesser quality. It's always been about the fics that, given the choice, I would want to see through.

So what connections do these fics have with me?

My only connection with Mane Camp is Rainbow Dash, the victim in all of this and the only light remaining in the darkness. She's the only reason I could want to continue with it; the only spark of hope and resistance left.

What connection do I have with Attack of the Gargoyles? A vague curiosity about characters hardly explored? A desire for conclusion to a threat barely established?

Dash, you'd better be worth it.