Fic Reviews: Spectrum of Lightning · 10:44pm Dec 2nd, 2018
Okay, now this one... Well, been a long time coming. Like the Pony of Vengence, this one was a personal request from the author himself. Now, even if Seriff is a friend, a good friend at that doesn't mean I'm going to be biased. If I see mistakes, I will point them out.
Cracks knuckles Here we go.
Now, Seriff did tell me the prologue really was to set up what kind of action scenes would be in the story, and to be honest there's not a lot a I can do here as reviewing action scenes isn't really my forte. Hell, doing action scenes despite what I write half the time is tricky for me. But I will say this, despite the possibly unneeded naming of the weapons, (AK-793 "Avtomát Karabín" for example) Daring's character is pretty on-point from what you'd expect, and the scene does keep you on your toes. And like a good action scene, it does allow you a few moments to catch your breath.
Now, this is a major gripe with me for action scenes, and it's something I've learned. Don't just have punches, gunshots, kicks or whatever one after the other, makes a bit of a mess and to be honest doesn't allow your readers a chance to relax. Fill the scenes with quiet drama moments, character thoughts or witty banter. Hell, use a combination of all three. Seriff does this quite well in that regard.
But what he really does well, now that's yet to come...
Now, why Twilight Velvet? That's a question even I don't know the answer to, I'd have to ask Seriff sometime. Maybe it's because she gets so little love in the show and in fanfic despite being an expy of the original MLP Twilight complete with colors, and maybe it's also because Seriff wanted to put a new spin on her character. Or maybe homage the now jossed headcanon of Velvet being A.K Yearling or at least her assistant. All I know is, Twilight in this story is one heck of a MILF if you pardon the phrasing. ...Something I never thought I'd say, especially about a pony.
“Hey, Sparky! Heads up!”
Sitting on an easy chair, Spike looked up from his copy of Daring Do and the Crystal Sphere of Khnum to see Twilight Sparkle jolt at the sound of her mother's perky voice. The Alicorn flinched on the couch as Twilight Velvet tossed her a lighter, managing to catch it in the air with her magic just before it hit her temple. The Princess's face creased into a frown as Velvet let out a snicker from the other side of the living room.
“Mom!” Twilight said. “Could you please not call me that?”
“What? ‘Sparky?’” Velvet said, her sleek and well-toned body leaning on a nearby bookshelf as she smirked at her daughter. “It's a nice nickname! Besides”—Velvet gestured a hoof at a yellow cat curling itself on top of the book Twilight had been reading—“North there seems to like it.”
Twilight sputtered wordlessly at the cat, then shooed him off the couch. “I'm not a filly anymore!”
Velvet recoiled, placing a hoof on her chest in “surprise.” “Oh, I'm sorry. Would you rather be called ‘Princess?’”
“I-it's not like that, Mom! I…I just—”
Velvet let out a laugh, walked to her daughter, and ruffled her mane. “I'm just screwing with you!” Velvet picked up the lighter and levitated it in front of her. “Here; cooked this up in my lab downstairs after your coronation. I wanna show you what this baby can do.”
Part of Spike wanted to get back to his book, but he kept his eyes focused on Velvet's lighter, which the mare flicked on with her magic. Both his and Twilight's eyes widened at the small, green flame dancing on the lighter's mouth.
“Like it?” Velvet said. “It's got more tricks up its sleeve. Spike, I'm gonna need your help for this one.”
Spike creased his eyebrows and set the book aside. “Um…sure, I guess.”
Now, the establishing character moment, espically important. I shouldn't have to say that, but yet I do. All too often, I've noticed fanfic readers fail to establish and hook their readers on the main character and their personality. Self-Inserts suffer from this for obvious reasons, but OCs who aren't that and even canon characters used in story can suffer from this if not done right. Thankfully, we get a good grasp of Velvet's character here.
Spike creased his eyebrows and set the book aside. “Um…sure, I guess.”
One of Velvet's hooves gestured at the book by Twilight's side. “You too, Sparky. Do you trust me?”
A grimace formed on Twilight's face as she looked away from her mother.
“The future of Equestria depends on it,” chirped Velvet.
“No.”
Velvet deflated slightly. “Look, I promise, things are going to be just fine…”
A grumble emanated from Sparkle's mouth. "Yeah, right."
”Look, this won't be like that time with Inkwell.” Velvet's eyebrows were creased, and her voice had lost a bit of its perkiness. “Besides, I said I was sorry! This is different, okay? Just...trust me for once.”
A cloud of magenta magic encased the book and levitated it towards Velvet, accompanied by a sigh.
“Thank you.” Velvet transferred the book to her own magic and suspended it a few inches over a coffee table.
The aura surrounding the lighter disappeared. It tumbled through the air and hit the book, setting it ablaze.
“Wha—” Twilight's eyes widened in horror. “Noooooooo!” Twilight shouted. Her hooves flailed at the burning book, trying to put the smokeless fire out, but it was too late. The book had burned to nothing in just a few seconds. Meanwhile, Velvet, who hadn't moved from her initial position all the while, snatched the lighter with her magic just before it hit the floor and closed the cap.
“H-how could you? That's one of the only books that survived my fight with Tirek! Why are you always like this–“
Whatever sentences Twilight had left to say were interrupted by the sound of gagging beside her. Spike gagged hard, the feeling of something stiff coming out of his throat causing him to fall to his knees. Mother and daughter turned their eyes to him, Twilight stepping towards him in concern. A moment later, she gaped as a green flame erupted out of her assistant's mouth in a loud belch to reveal an unscorched copy of Meadowbrook's Translated Corpus: the same book she'd been reading earlier. Spike hacked and wheezed. He wasn't used to impromptu deliveries like this, certainly not when it involved packages this size. It was like Hearth's Warming Eve all over again.
“Neat, huh?” Velvet smiled, though Spike noted that it seemed more subdued than her previous beaming. She then faced away while the younger Twilight levitated her book back and examined it for any damage. “I mean, no need to apologize.”
Spike, having finished coughing and gagging, looked at Velvet curiously. “How did—”
“What,” Velvet raised an eyebrow, “get your magical signature so the flame would send the book to you?” Velvet said, plucking the thought from Spike's brain. “I just asked Sunbutt. We're actually pretty tight, you know?”
Damn, wish Vel wasn't taken. Badass, and love her personality. Also, this little scene alone does more to establish the Sparkle family dynamic, gets you feeling as if things like this are a regular occurrence, just by Twilight's groans and the sort.
This family dynamic continues onwards with the introduction of Night Light (Thinks up ways to murder him and steal Velvet for myself...) I kid, of course on that part. But seriously, feels very natural and very dynamic. Well, as natural as this family can be. Also, can I just say...? This part, makes me crack up every time.
“Actually, I still have some errands to run with your mom. Isn't that right, Vel?” Night Light said while placing a hoof on Velvet's flank.
“Sure is,” Velvet replied, most definitely, positively, honestly not blushing in the slightest. “We have to drop by Inkwell's for some writing supplies, pay the cable bill, and then head to Starry Eyed's for some mirrors.”
“Well, not that I need mirrors now anyway,” Night Light said, rubbing the back of his neck with his hoof. “I can do just fine with my refracting telescope for the next few weeks.”
“Fine? Fine?” exclaimed Velvet “You can't even see the moon with that thing, even if you pointed it at Luna's backside.”
“It's not nice to poke fun at a stallion's equipment.” Night Light then turned to Spike and Twilight as he opened the door for Velvet. “Just sit tight, you two. We'll be back before you know it!”
Yep, Daring and Vel make perfect 'partners'. Take that any way you will.
Like I said, I do enjoy a good moment of smart wit and repartee.
Twilight Velvet and Night Light were not back before either Twilight Sparkle or Spike knew it.
After a few minutes of reading, Spike set his Daring Do book down. He had finished reading it couple of weeks before, and the book, for some reason, had lost its charm on the second run. Perhaps “QP613” from the Daring Do forums had a point when he said the original trilogy was better.
Silence filled the living room, save for the wall clock and the muffled voices of pedestrians outside. Spike reclined on the easy chair, watching Twilight furrow her eyebrows at her book, as if watching for anypony who wanted to snatch it from her again. Spike huffed. Celestia knew how many times he tried to tell Twilight to get one of Orange Industries' new tablet computers—all the books she could ever want crammed into a slab only slightly bigger than a piece of paper.
In retrospect, though, Twilight had a point when she kept rebutting his suggestion. If she'd left the tablet in the treehouse when Tirek blew it up, none of her books would have survived, as opposed to the less than a dozen survivors Twilight currently possessed.
Another thought crossed Spike's mind. Sure, he knew the names of Twilight's parents. He knew what they looked like. He knew where they lived in Canterlot. He even knew of their two cats, the second of whom, Rose, purred and snuggled up beside him on the arm of his easy chair, much to his annoyance.
And so curiousity begins to set it. It would be Spike who kicks off the present day plot wouldn't it? It just would. Also, “QP613”? Wonder who that could be. Nice touch Seriff. No real grammer errors to see, mind you except for one minor niggle and this just may be a stylistic choice.
He had finished reading it couple of weeks before, and the book, for some reason, had lost its charm on the second run.
He had finished reading it a couple of weeks before, and the book, for some reason, had lost its charm on the second run.
One minor change, I admit, but... Again, it could be a stylistic choice.
But really know them? Hardly. Spike mostly interacted with Twilight and Princess Celestia during his younger years, only seeing Twilight's parents whenever they came to visit or take her on the occasional holiday. Maybe now would be a good time to get some answers.
“So,” Spike said, trying to break the ice, “how's the book...'Sparky?’”
Twilight huffed and brought her book closer to her face with her magic.
“Okay, okay, touchy subject,” said Spike. “If you don't want to talk about it, it's fine. It's just that, well—” Spike twiddled his thumbs and momentarily glanced at the floor. “—your mom is certainly the…feisty type.”
“That's not even half of it,” Twilight moaned. “Do you know how many times I've had to tell Mom to act her age? Can you even believe it? The world's going mad, Spike, and that was even before Discord returned.”
“You seemed to get along just fine with her during Shining Armor and Princess Cadance's wedding—not to mention your coronation.”
Twilight waved him off with a hoof. “That was out in public. You think it would have been appropriate for all the guests in those events to see a family squabble?”
“No, I guess not.”
There was another pause. Spike took a moment to consider his next question.
“Is your mom also like that with Shining Armor?”
“Yes, but he doesn't seem to mind. In fact, he sort of…likes it.” A small smile formed on Twilight's lips, which then developed into a snicker. “Except for the nickname. He really doesn't like it when Mom calls him ‘Shiny.’”
See, this is one of those things I love in a grand adventure story, those little quiet character moments, letting us know the characters for who they are. Even if we already know certain ones from in canon as it were.
“And why is that?”
“I don't know. He won't tell me,” she said with a shrug “Why do you ask?”
Spike looked downwards as he pondered on his next words. Considering the subject matter, Spike was doubtful he would get a satisfactory answer.
“It seems like you don't get along with your mom.” Twilight furrowed her eyebrows and pursed her lips. Spike recoiled slightly. Did I strike a nerve?
The dragon's tensed muscles relaxed when he saw Twilight put a hoof on her chest, close her eyes, and exhale. Cadance's breathing exercises: effective ninety percent of the time.
“Listen,” Twilight said, “it's been like this since before I can remember, and it does seem like I butt heads with her more often than Shining…” Twilight frowned slightly, lost in thought for a moment. “But I don't have doubt that she legitimately loves Shining and me equally. I guess it's….”
“She has a funny way of showing love?”
“Maybe, but it's the thought that counts... so why do I still feel bothered? I just….” Twilight sighed. “I don't know. I don't wanna talk about it.”
His hunch was right. It wasn't a satisfactory answer. But Spike couldn't bring himself to press for more information. He decided to ditch the subject before the discussion got heated.
“If it's all the same to you, Twilight,” Spike said as he got out of the easy chair, “I'm gonna go explore your parents' house a bit.”
Now this, this is a good plot point. I just love the back and forth flashbacks between the present and the past, as we'll soon see. And I do love the idea of a strained relationship between Twilight and her mom, it's a nice and rather interesting change between the two's normal relationship in fanfic and in canon, where everything seems all hunky-dory.
I like the twist where Twilight and her mom's relationship in public is just a facade, makes for something interesting. Seriously, I do wish more fanfic writers would do more with Velvet, especially considering who she's a homage to.
Spike ran up the stairs without another word. When he reached the top, he found himself in a drafty room with wooden floors, walls, and rafters. Particles of dust danced around the shafts of light shining through the various small holes on the walls. A daddy longlegs crawled out of a hole on the floor.
There were two black hooded leather jackets hanging on a coat hook to the right of the stairs, along with a pillow on the floor. Spike made a mental note not to get close: Celestia knows how much dust accumulated on it for the past decade or two.
“Yoo hoo! First edition Power Ponies!” Spike called out. The dragon's slit pupils darted this way and that as he sensed the air with his forked tongue, grinning as he showed off his baby canines. "You can't hide from me forever, my sweet little comics, Don't be shy." His nictitating membrane joined in on the fun, clouding his eyes to complete the savage reptilian look. "Join me, and together we will rule the imagination-verse, and defeat the villains—you, me, and Hum Drum!"
There was no response. The predator's facade shattered.
Okay, love the description of the location, not overly so hanging on every little detail and not too prosey -I could take lessons from this- and some very good lines such as the one about the predator's facade shattering. Really rather clever, and adds a sense of fun to the story. And that's what you're looking for in a story like this, part adventure and part mystery. Fun. In a way, it sorta reminds me of a few Doctor Who episodes and their tones, switching from scary or intriguing to mindblowingly witty in a flash.
Spike figured he should put it on one of the shelves. It wasn't his business anyway, but a touch of curiosity struck him. One peek wouldn't hurt.
He walked back to the light, lay on the floor, and opened somewhere in the first half of the book.
Dear Journal,
Son of a mule, I hate airships.
No matter how calm the wind is, I never feel like I'm standing on anything stable. Even though my room is far from the propellers, their droning is so loud that I can't even sleep properly. And my room…dear Celestia, my room. It's cramped, it's dusty, and it's full of useless shit that I can't throw out because it might attract attention. And to top off the cake of suck, my bunk-mate's snores are louder than the propeller.
I don't even know why I'm complaining. This is a cargo vessel, not a luxury cruise. I don't even have a ticket to be here! I have the money for a legit passenger airship to the Orient, but would she take it? No, of course not. “Those pigskins are too slow,” she says. “Where's the fun in that?” she says. “Save your money for the medical bills,” she says.
Okay, keep it together. It's only a few days. I was the one who volunteered for this. I'm the one who needs to see it through.
I just hope Night Light doesn't worry too much about me. I haven't contacted him in days, and he has big plans for our wedding. Times like this, I wish I had adopted a baby messenger dragon from Fillydelphia…
Okay, and so it really begins. Now, love the worldbuilding bits, sucker for this such. The little minor details such as the ideas of messenger dragons. Plus, that comment about Velvet's bunk-mate. Even though you know who it is by suspicions, the penny doesn't really drop completely until the curtain's completely pulled back.
Twilight Velvet exited a lavatory in the airship, a sigh of relief and relaxation escaping from her lips as she fixed her mane. Normally, she'd grumble about being reduced to using a public restroom, but after the past couple of days, she was grateful to see something that resembled an actual toilet instead of, say, a bunch of creosote bushes.
Her eyes drifted to the window at the right side of the hall. There was a small chain of islands to the east, but aside from that, the ocean was a canvas bathed in turquoise. Several clouds floated by, as if to greet the Canterlot unicorn and wish her well on her travels.
That, or they were laughing at her for making such a stupid commitment.
Velvet sighed and leaned by the window, the droning of the airship's propellers fading into the background. She would've taken the time to marvel at the hybrid airship's engineering if other thoughts weren't eating her mind at the moment. Why am I doing this? Is it really worth it?
The chattering of voices snapped Velvet out of her musings.
“Hey! Tell the greenhorn here about your job in South Abyssinia,” called the voice of a gruff stallion.
Velvet's inner monologue? Love it. And the minor bits of world building such as South Abyssinia. Pro-tip, and I think it was Seriff who taught me this, if you want to pony-pun a country or location, look up local horse breeds. Really rather useful, and gets your better puns than Neighmarica.
Velvet locked the door behind her, and breathed a heavy sigh of relief. Just two more days, and she'd be in the Orient. Add in a few more days of catching her big scoop there, plus a few more for the return trip, and it wouldn't be long before she could see Night Light again. It wouldn't be the first time he had to put up with her shit, but he was a patient stallion. He would wait for her.
There was a rustling sound. Velvet spun around.
She was staring down the barrel of a pistol.
Every muscle in Velvet's body tensed. But then she allowed herself to relax and breathe a sigh of relief when she saw the mare behind the gun.
“Damn it, girl, you gave me a heart attack,” Daring Do said.
“Fourth time,” Velvet said, “that's the fourth time you nearly got me killed this week.”
“Chin up,” Daring said, holstering the gun. “That just means more juicy details for your article, right?”
“Yeah, if anypony in Scientific Equestrian even believes the things I'm going to write about.” The words were puffed out of Velvet's mouth as she collapsed onto a heap of clothes, fabrics, and bags on the floor, waving her legs as if she were swimming. These weren't bedroom linens, sure. They smelled musty, chafed her skin through her fur, and carried more dust than that last cave system she and Daring explored. As an improvised bed, though, it sure beat the linoleum floor.
“That's clean laundry,” Daring said.
“Don't care.” Velvet waved dismissively without looking. “It's not ours. We don't have to wash it.”
And then the penny drops completely, as you realize who Velvet's bunk buddy is. Actually, I do like the role Velvet's been given, a photojournalist. Reminds me of the old Golden Years of archaeology, and of a old Lego Line of all things -Yes, odd place to bring this up- where the Token Female of the group pretty much had the same role Velvet has. Mind you, less of a badass, but... Agh, I'm rambling now aren't I?
Daring sat behind a cardboard-box–turned–makeshift-desk and began scribbling on a notebook with some pencils. “Funny, I expected you to be all fussy about your bed being just a bundle of clothes on the floor. You're from Canterlot after all.”
“After nearly getting my tail burned off in the Badlands because of you? Compared to that, this place is the Mareiott.”
“Well, I'm sorry I couldn't get you an actual passenger blimp, but—”
“Airship,” interrupted Velvet as she sat up. “For the hundredth time, it's an airship. Blimps don't have rigid metal skeletons.”
“Don't care,” echoed Daring. “As long as it gets us to the Orient.”
“Yeah, about that... What do we do when we get there?”
Daring flipped her notebook around so Velvet could see the sketches. “I'm thinking that we're gonna take a look at the tunnels the Neighponese Empire dug during the Second Global Conflict,” she said, dancing her hoof around the scribbles. “Dunno how he did it, but Uncle Ad mapped them all out here. He theorized that the Neighponese were able to recover the Spectrum of Lightning in the war, but couldn't get it out of the country before the Equestrians kicked them out.”
Velvet blinked a few times, then suppressed a snicker.
“What?” Daring cocked her head.
“I…I'm sorry,” said Velvet, continuing to suppress her laughter. “I still can't get over the fact that you nicknamed your uncle ‘Uncle Ad.’”
“I was young and stupid, okay?” Daring said, pounding the box with her hoof. “It's short for ‘Uncle Adventure’!”
“Then why didn't you shorten it to something like ‘Uncle Venture?’ ‘Uncle Ad,’ my ass. That sounds like the name of a Billy Hays-type salespony!”
Daring crossed her arms and huffed as she laid the notebook flat on the box. “You weren't listening to anything else I was saying, were you?”
“Nope!”
“Well, I'm glad I at least managed to entertain you.”
Again, more great wit between characters, once again this wit giving you the feeling that they've worked together for a long time. That's a lot harder to pull off than you think, trust me. I speak from experience. Also, more worldbuilding and Spectrum of Lightning is namedropped in such a way, that it makes you intensely curious as to what it exactly is.
I'm curious, aren't you?
...On another note, I find it odd I'm listening to Wild Cherry as I write this review. I need better music tastes, or at least more appropriate music. Maybe the soundtrack from Tomb Raider Underworld.
Daring got back to writing on her notebook, muttering to herself in both Equish and in some other weird language. “Kabayitos,” Velvet recalled its name to be. There was a reason she left all the linguistics and soft science stuff to Daring.
On the outside, Velvet was still smiling at Daring's poor nickname choices. Inside, the thoughts that had been eating her mind earlier began to resurface. It made Velvet feel unsettled: She wasn't usually this introspective... that was Night Light's shtick.
Daring wasn't exactly the most academically rigorous archeologist out there. If Velvet wrote an article on Daring, what would the ponies in Scientific Equestrian think? What self-respecting archaeologist carries a whip along with a trowel? The trowel, she could understand, but a whip? Isn't that a circus tool?
And the less said about Daring's predilection of stealing AK rifles from the ponies shooting at her, the better.
She tried to distract herself with the airship's engineering, but that was hard to do at the moment, considering she couldn't just march out the door and survey it from the outside. Her magic wasn't strong enough to levitate herself and “fly,” not that she wanted to anyway. She'd be target practice for any gunponies looking out the windows.
Her eyes once again drifted out the window. Nothing but turquoise in the horizon, the chain of islands gone from sight. Here she was, embarking on a journey to the other side of the world, traveling farther and farther away from her husband-to-be.
He's a patient stallion. And when I get back… then the real adventure starts.. Velvet smiled to herself. That is, if she could handle the whipcracking crusader's antics long enough to get home.
Velvet breathed out a sigh, losing herself again in the calm motions of the sea.
This is gonna be one hell of a trip.
Okay, not much to say on this collection of ending paragraphs, except perhaps to coo in the fact that even miles away, Velvet's still thinking of Night Light, and that this word -whipcracking- in reality, it should be whip-cracking. Also, laughing at once more Velvet's inner monologue. The gem about her thinking on and I quote Daring's predilection of stealing AK rifles from the ponies shooting at her is a highlight.
So, what do I have to say about this in the end? Well, clever word choice, fun action scenes, great character dynamics and very little writing errors leave me with only one conclusion. Solid 10.
A well-written, greatly defined original story? Sign me up!
Hey! Glad you liked Spectrum! I must say, I was a little anxious when I asked you to review the story, since the last time I did that (one year ago), it got a negative review. Several of the things you’ve commented regarding my fanfic actually stemmed from my pre-readers and editor, one way or another, so seems like getting that extra feedback from them has really paid off!
Heh heh, my editor is the one who sets me straight when it comes to action scenes. In the first drafts, they go for way too long.
Oh, it will be answered in the Q&A in due time…
I might also answer the implicit question as to why I made Velvet’s personality like this…
Ah, no, that’s an actual grammar error. Got to change that up.
I wasn’t the one who said that. I think it was mush or PJ or someone else from the latter’s server.
Oh, and look, it’s L1nkoln’s art! Looks like it piqued your interest! Glad to see that.
Again, thanks for the review, and I’m glad you like the story!
4975780
Happy to oblige.
Yeah, I did think about mentioning that, but figured it wasn't necessary to the review at hand. I've had experiences with Dreams as well, as he chopped down a 7,000 word chapter on Unraveled to less than half of that.
Can't wait.
Yeah, it was MouthofMush. I remember now.
Figured it apt to end the review with that.