Random Ramblings CCCXXXI · 4:29am Nov 1st, 2018
IN WHICH I BREAK MY PROMISE
So… yeah. This is happening. Or isn't, as the case may be. Have some Cyndi Lauper.
And now, to the, y'know, whatever.
I know I promised y'all a story today. It is in fact ready save for me having to change one sentence to get it to exactly 1600 words. I even found a decent screenshot to use as cover art.
But, I realized this morning that I just can't do it. I don't want to deal with anyone else today. Or ever.
Someone has been going through the early stories in the Recovery Arc and leaving "constructive criticism". I've admitted before I'm not the best at taking criticism, even if -- especially if -- I know the criticism is valid. In this case, there was a knock against the parenthetical aside I made in Sasha, which I'll admit is jarring and I should change. But I don't wanna.
More importantly, noting that the reader does not SEE Sunset's spiral into depression -- she starts at the bottom. According to this reader, that blunts the impact of the arc. I can see the logic in that viewpoint, but that's a fundamental flaw I can't fix. I don't know how to write someone becoming depressed. In fact, I don't know how to write someone not depressed.
I really don't know how to write at all. I've just been winging it and folks are finally catching on and abandoning me now that they see my trash for what it is. At least that's how I see it.
One of the major overarching themes of the Recovery Arc is that Sunset was always "off" -- she just hid it by acting high and mighty, taking joy in the suffering of others. I'll be the first to admit that part wasn't conveyed well, although I'm pretty sure I had Sunset state it outright at least once. I planned to have her go into more detail when she starts telling tales to Apple Bloom after AJ forces them to spend afternoons together.
That's one reason Apple Bloom is so important in my EqG world. SHE is the one to whom Sunset reveals everything.
The other Recovery theme is that there IS no such thing as "recovery". Sunset will always be broken. She can mitigate it through therapy and maybe medication, but there's no way to "cure" her. Ever.
The story I published with the Dr Wolf expy (thanks again to Posh for suggesting Sunset try therapy) takes place many years in the future -- Sunset's into her 30's at that point. Twilight will in fact reference the Good Doctor in the second chapter of the final Sunsarity story. Since no one's gonna read this anyway, I'll just come out and say it -- I said in my Author's Blog that even I didn't know which world Sunset was in, but that's a lie -- by the time of that story, Sunset's back in Equestria. The portal to the humanoid realm has been closed and locked down for years due to reasons that are difficult for me to explain in a blog post.
I enjoyed writing the second chapter of the Sunsarity finale because I think I finally made Twilight sympathetic. Maybe even likeable.
But what does it matter? The state of my mind right now, I'm not sure I can edit a single word of proper story, let alone write anything new. I hope this isn't the end, but I make no promises.
Today I called my dad and wished him a happy birthday. Due to the bad weather, I was unable to make it to my hometown to see him. With luck, I'll be able to go over there next week.
All of my friends are into Halloween and I'm not. Some of my friends -- including my first serious ex-girlfriend got married on Halloween. Everyone's into the spirit of the season. And I'm not. And I never will be. I've explained this before, but seeing everyone in costume (I don't like dressing up) just makes me realize how wide the gulf is between me and the people I call my friends. I'm terrified they'll reject me just like my most recent ex did.
After all, if I don't have something major in common with a person, what's the point in keeping me around?
I'm not into Halloween or dressing up or video games (though I wish I could be - time & money issues) or tabletop or LARP. I'm worthless.
I'm not into Christmas either. Not anymore. The last holiday I gave a shit about was Independence Day, but I live in an area where it's difficult to impossible to shoot off fireworks (a narrow lot within city limits on a heavily forested hill) and also I'm not at all proud of my country at the moment. As a straight White male who is (technically) Christian, I'm going to be fine for now, but the same can't be said for most of the people I care about. This is not the time to rant about how much I hate Trump and Republicans.
Have I mentioned I'm mostly off my meds at the moment? Yeah, I don't want to bother my shrink for a new prescription until I see him in December, so I need to make a month's worth of pillz last seven weeks.
I haven't gone to the gym much lately and I feel oh so guilty about it. I'm a fat piece of shit and feel like it. But I just don't have the drive to do anything right now. Hell, I barely leave my bed unless I have to.
Siding work isn't completed yet, though they're close. They were actually here today until it started raining. They MUST be done by Saturday. On Sunday the guy who bought the house where my mom and I have been parking comes back from his month-long trip to Spain and he's going to put the "For Rent" sign back up.
I feel guilty for wanting to die while my home is getting a much needed facelift that will make it awesome for the next 20+ years. If I don't kill myself or die of natural causes, I would like to still be living here 20 years from now.
That's my rut. My roots. I'm not exciting or ambitious or anything interesting, so eventually everyone leaves me. Except my mother. But many days she drives me up the wall.
I'm so so so so sorry for being mostly unwilling and partly unable to keep my promise to deliver you a story. Oh well. It probably wouldn't have entertained you anyway, since evidently I'm incapable of that. Regardless of how I see myself, I wish most of you well.
Peace out.
Please don’t stress or fret over it, I would gladly wait for the story so long as you still continue to post it at some point. I hope everything works out for you, I do thoroughly enjoy your story’s and I hope you find the time and motivation to continue them.
I hope things work out for you too. And while I haven't read the criticism so I can't speak to it's merit, any work is going to have flaws and I still love these stories. I also strongly disagree that not showing her become depressed is a flaw, but that's neither here nor there.
So yeah, try not to stress about this. You're still awesome.
I started following you because of Sunsets recovery arc, and I don't think those were flaws so much as that commenters opinions. You're the artist, it's your art. Would the Mona Lisa be as alluring as it is now if Davinci had listened to all of his critics? Keep writing and keep your mind busy.
It’s all right, man. I know the criticism gets to you, but don’t let it be the only thing in there. Plenty of people like your stuff and wish you well regardless of whether some part of your work may have flaws. Find me someone’s work that doesn’t!
(Okay, I know we have some amazing people on here; that’s not really my point either!)
Honestly I thought you'd been doing Sunset's recovery extremely well. It seems like she's genuinely improving. And if you're concerned all you have to do is keep in mind that certain mindsets in a depressed person aren't the same in a healthy person. Like a healthy person doesn't beat themselves up constantly for the past. They just acknowledge it's there, accept it, and move on. A healthy person doesn't feel like you do right now. And I'm willing to wait. :)
Sorry you didn't get to see your father. :O
I don't like holidays much anymore either.
I get not being ambitious. Part of mental health is finding comfort and contentment in who you are despite your relationship status, and finding wellness within being alone. Being okay with your own thoughts.
Found it, read it.
My dude, I'm reading that as an opinion, and while people are entitled to an opinion, if it is your creative work so you do you! Actual constructive criticism offers up something to help improve it, not just question your choice.
You write very good horse words and you are on the list of People who write First Person that I can bear to read (not an award many, if any, Fanfic writers hold. In fact I can only think of published authors with books on actual paper for the rest).
So yeah, don't stress over not giving a new story, we are all happy to wait,