I want to tell you a secret · 2:28am Aug 19th, 2018
Hearing hooves clomping on the catwalk, Twilight’s ears pivoted towards the sound and then she turned to look just as a tiny grinning earth pony filly approached. A pegasus mare—presumably her mother—stood a short, respectful distance away, flashing an apologetic smile.
“Hiya, Princess,” the filly said in a distinctly nasal voice. “Wanna hear a secret?”
Casting a glance at the pegasus mare, Twilight saw her shrug. The filly looked up and Twilight, looking down, wondered what the filly might have to say. Why share a secret? Foals shared silly secrets; time and time again, Twilight had been regaled with tales about pilfered cookie jars, stolen candy, mommies and daddies dressing up in strange costumes, foals had so many things to say, things they believed were secrets.
“Come closer,” said in the filly in a congested, nasal whisper.
Twilight lowered her head down, wary but curious.
“No, closer.” The filly took a step closer and almost tripped over her own hooves.
Twilight, overcome by her own curiousity, lowered her head down until her ear was less than an inch away from the filly’s muzzle, and she waited for the big secret to be revealed. The filly took a deep breath, which tickled Twilight’s ear. Silence. The worst of all outcomes. Was she having second thoughts? Twilight needed to know. She had to know. What secrets did the filly hold?
“Butts.”
It was a perfect deadpan delivery, but the filly’s composure did not hold. A giggle escaped, followed by a torrent of laughter while Twilight lifted her head. Shaking her head from side to side, her eyes rolling with astounding, fluid movement, Twilight sighed and then noticed the pegasus mare was struggling to hold herself together. A wing whipped out, there was a rustle of feathers, and then the mare, the filly’s mother no doubt, covered her face. Much sniggering came from behind the wing and a merry, devious twinkle could be seen in the mare’s eyes.
A hearty chuckle could be heard coming from Seville.
“Butts, you say…” Twilight took a deep breath during a particularly raucous peal of laughter that came from the filly. The worst thing happened; her mouth tried to betray her and she had to fight to keep the corners of her mouth under control. “What’s so funny about butts?”
“Pegasus ponies have the funniest butts,” the filly said between bleats of laughter.
“Is that so?” Twilight adopted the demeanour of a schoolmarm, which was basically her impression of Princess Celestia.
“Mama says that’s where clouds come from.”
Clouds of what? Twilight thought to herself.
“Mama also says that the sun shines out of Princess Celestia’s butt. But she uses a naughty word. She says it when somepony asks her a dumb question and she’ll tell them, ‘Does the sun shine out of Princess Celestia’s…’ you know.”
A resonating snort escaped from Twilight and she almost lost it completely.
“Dad is a scientist,” the filly said to Twilight. “He works in Canterlot sometimes. He says our butts are a marvel of biology. We have built in fumigators so spiders won’t make nests in our tails and lay eggs. He’s pretty smart, my dad.”
Something almost like a whimper came from Seville, followed by a raspy wheeze.
“Dad says that monsters won’t destroy the world, they won’t get the chance. He says pony butts are going to destroy the world. And cows. And other animals with fermenting guts. He says there’s too many of us now and even more of us are happening every day, and our butts are changing the, uh, comp… compos—”
“Composition?” Twilight said, trying to be helpful.
“Yeah, he says our butts are changing the composition of the atmosphere.”
Flabbergasted, Twilight stood at a loss for words.
“Dad is a butt scientist and he studies butts every day. Ponies think my dad is crazy. He loves to study Mama’s butt. We talk about butts a lot in our house.”
“Come on, Peony, I think you’ve pestered the princess enough.”
“Buh-bye!” The filly, Peony, raised one hoof and waved. “Maybe you could think about making my dad the Princess of Butt Studies?”
“I’ll, uh, ask around,” Twilight managed to say. “Goodbye, Peony.”
Humming to herself, little Peony pranced off to be with her mother once more.
Behold! The Princess of Posteriours!
Butts. <3
Interesting. I'm actually intrigued on the effect of millions/trillions(does Equestria have a set population?) of ponies and what it does to the atmosphere.
This was SO what I needed today.
That dark message behind all the humor... oh dear. pretty smart dad too.
"Welcome to my every school day" said Miss Cheerilee.
Also, I guess her dad is asscientist.
Okay, that was awful. I'll leave now.