Let's be blunt. · 2:36am Jun 28th, 2018
My life has not been too busy to write horse words. I have not done ANYTHING in the last month and some amount of time before that. I haven't worked, I haven't really gone anywhere, I haven't hanged out with anyone besides my cousin once.
I'm just really depressed~
A while back I was administered at the psychiatric ward of a hospital, and diagnosed with Major Depression, at risk of harming myself. I'm still not really eating (No longer slightly fat!!) I occasionally miss taking this new anti depressant and it's driving me a little nuts how it doesn't make my issues go away, it just gives me enough composure to let everyone around me know I'm on pills, problem solved.
I have a good things in my life, I have access to the internet and a device that I can write easily on. I have a food card, I have a bed, I have a smart phone that was a gift and I'm on my eldest brother's phone plan, who is not charging me for that. Vistamage made me probably the best fanart I have ever received and occasionally I glance at it and wish I was more patient/thankful towards him, especially since it was free oh my gosh- I have recreational things, like books and games, and there are always dank memes on the internet to find. I managed to charm an old lady so much that she insists I call her grandma and she's teaching me sewing for free. I do good things, many of those.
But no matter how much I say that, I'm depressed, I'm only sleeping most of the time, otherwise I'm messing with the one game I love so much I pull the energy together to play. For the last couple years I have done barely ANYTHING. I've been on the mentality of 'whatever happens to me happens, let me die, whatever, jokes on you losers I'm suicidal!
I realize this is a very selfish mentality, but it's a difficult one to defeat.
Writing is lovely. Trying to write in the Changeling Doll is stressful, I don't have any confidence I can live up to anyone's expectations on what they want from it, and I don't know what I want from it myself. Other stories, like Shyset, I suffer a similar fear from. Home is for the Weak is therapeutic to me, low word count, easy plot, easy characters. always a joy to write and I just don't have the energy. It's not even that I don't want to write a Home is for the Weak chapter, I sincerely do, I just can't work up the humor for it.
I apologize, I haven't been writing. Not because I'm busy, not because I'm trying to get busy, and not even because I don't want to write, but I'm just depressed. I don't think I'm going to stop being depressed anytime soon, and if you want me to update anything anytime soon, I'm not sure I could even if I tried to force myself to.
Even then, you all have been pretty great to me~
Thanks for mostly positive reception on various things, authors are suppose to have thick skin, which I started with, and COMPLETELY lost, the smallest things bring me to a panic now, but I'm happy to say a lot of you on site, more than you probably think, really do lift my spirits. Reading horse words and playing a phone game is all I really do now, but it makes time past without going completely insane and that is a blessing.
I don't promise you all anything!! I have nothing to give~!
But I can try my best to be honest without a bunch of drama, or as little I can do.
I will super probably go back and read this note and stress over how dramatic is probably is, but I'm not deleting this one, not this time.
Kisses~
Depression isn't necessarily feeling sad all the time, people don't always realize. It's basically the lack of motivation to do anything sometimes. And medications aren't a cure-all. It took me 5 different tries to get one that worked for me.
Don't give up the fight bro. It'll find a way to work, trust me. It just takes time, unfortunately.
*Hugs*
Friends tend to help in situations like this, or at the very least online friends to voice chat with. I don't think any watcher of you expects your new chapters or stories to be masterpieces, just that you're trying and having fun, dude. *hugs you cause I can*
If you ever wanna chat on Discord or something, PM me and I'll give ya my details. I'm told I'm fun to vent to.
*hugs super duper tight* We love you!
My server is always open
I wish I could do more to help you. Still to quote a great man.
*hug* i wish i could help
Please let me know if there’s anything I can do, my friend! (Otherthan finishing the fanart I promised you because you cant rush art! :P
I’m an artist, not a writer, but I’m going through the same thing as you and I know it’s hard.
I’m fairly young, and I’ve been following you for a few years now. Getting the email that one of your stories updated was enough to make me smile and pull me through depression for a little while as I read. Your writing was a pretty good antidepressant to me.
I really hope you can feel like your normal self soon. Depression sucks and it makes me sad that people have to suffer through it.
*super hugs*
Bro, I'm always here for you if you need anything.
Take whatever time you need to recover, and only when you have the energy, find a better solution. But for now, take care of yourself. We'll wait here.
If you ever need to chat ribbit...I'm here.
You were a sweetie and helped me when I joined,least I could do is open my doors to you.
-hugs you tight- I'm sorry hun, I know what it's like..
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I don't really know what to say because making this blog post made me squeamish and it's hard for me to try and not write it off or deflect sympathy but thank you all very much-
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Anytime. *nibbles your Banana and runs off into the sunset*
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Wish I could nibble the bananna...
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Too late.
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