Today is the last day to join, so if you want in on it, be sure to read over the rules and PM Shakespearicles!update and religion talk · 3:10pm May 21st, 2018
Hey guys. How are ya'll doing? I'm... ok, I suppose. Still trying to get used to life here in Wisconsin. I started working on an original novel that I'm (hoping) to publish within the year? It's a NaNoWriMo manuscript (50k words) but messy as hell and needs a lot of work. That's one thing that's been taking up my time. I've also started trying to go on long walks again in an attempt to get healthier. Not so much exploration. My GPS on my phone was shit even in Cali, and out here I barely have network service, so I avoid driving on the country roads. Last time I did that I ended up lost most of the day, just driving hopelessly past farm after farm.
In addition to all that and the little mundane and domestic things I won't bother mentioning, I've been reading the Bible with husbando and going to church every Sunday. This has started to bring up an unforeseen challenge that has dominated my mind for the past few days.
I've said it before on this blog, but I'll say it again: I was raised Nichiren Buddhist. No, not the sect that displays the fat laughing buddha guy. The one that (in Japan) is apparently kinda regarded as we here in the states regard Scientology. We didn't follow the Nichiren Shu, or the Nichiren Shoshu either (the latter being the orthodox, temple-based branch of Nichiren Buddhism, and the former being the more modern and open interpretation of Nichiren's teachings.) My family were members of the SGI (Sokka Gakkai International) which was not that different from the modern Nichiren Shu, save for their emphasis on its leader Daisaku Ikeda. (This caused a kind of political divide more than an ideological one, I think.)
The way my family practiced this form of Buddhism, it was very much live and let live. We didn't stress so much about reading lessons as just doing our daily chants and going to weekly chapter meetings.
Long story short, after my aunt suddenly died due to a head injury, I lost my faith in Buddhism. This occurred when my faith was already at a low point--when I was growing skeptical of the worship afforded to Daisaku Ikeda and the aggressive attempts at recruitment absent the proper care for study. I searched after that. Went to churches and read the bible. Listened to the Qur'an. Read about Judaism, Hinduism, and the Bahá'í. Eventually I read about Wicca and modern day Paganism. I gravitated toward that. I was tired of institutions. Their fear and hate mongering, their constant demands for money, and the strange politics the leaders of such movements subjected their lay believers to. I just wanted to connect with my higher power. I told myself I didn't need to be correct about everything in my life. But now I wonder? When I laid down my offerings and meditated with incense tickling my nose, I asked for enlightenment. For love to fill my heart. The only spells I tried to work were to protect me and my family. To promote harmony and peace and to banish evil spirits. I thanked Artemis and Apollo (the names I came to know my gods by, but I also came to call them Hestia and Cernunos.) Celebrated in their nature. For a while I felt peace.
But I think my lack of willingness to challenge my faith, to suss out why these gods deserved my worship over any other, or even why I deserved to call on them for my workings-- it just left my faith without much fuel. I stopped with my offerings. Stopped with my meditations. Stopped with my spells. I still thought of my gods, but it was anxiously, like a person begging favors when still in debt. When my anxiety grew to outright fear I turned away from God and Goddess completely. I got by on distraction. Video games, feverish writing. Drinking. The move to Wisconsin loomed and it served as an unexpected aid. I was too busy! I couldn't do worship of any sort even if I wanted to. (Ha.)
Upon arriving here, as I've already said, I started going with hubby to church with his mother and step-father. The days went by. I felt wisdom in the words, but felt edgy too. Hadn't we heard this siren song before? Weren't we repelled then, too? I reasoned maybe this time I just needed a more personal connection. I asked my husband to help me understand the Bible. We're currently reading Matthew from the New World Translation. (He knows it's the Jehova's Witness version, but he's not a Jehova's Witness, nor is the church we're attending. But he did agree with some of their practices. Hubby tends to be demanding of himself, and I think some of their extreme doctrines appealed to him...) He helps me to understand some of the portions I don't understand. Most are historical/cultural. Some are more interpretive. Like Jesus' illustrations. Not all of what is stated or explained to me sounds logical or practical. Some of it outright pisses me off. Hubby says it used to do that to him too, until he started relinquishing his understanding of our world. He's done this to the point that he questions the Earth's true age, citing the limitations of carbon dating, for example. I get upset with this and ask him (beg him) not to let go of science. The Bible was written by men claiming to write the word of God thousands of years ago. I do not discount its literary importance, or even some of the wisdom it contains. But I'm starting to feel anxious about allowing my son to get sucked into this institution. We're going to be here for kiddo's formative years. If I don't embrace this, will I lose connection with my own son? I'm living under a roof of avid Christians (something I can say certainly had never been the case before) and so I feel pressured to accept this. And it's not to say that what's being preached is bad... I guess, it just requires commitment I'd never given before.
For instance, Her Collar, Her Love? I dunno if I could keep writing that. This novel that I'm working on? I'd probably feel the need to change it. The same goes for my original fantasy series that I've already published in part. Instead of looking at my past work and feeling pride, I'd feel shame. I don't have much in this life I can feel proud of. Asking me to abandon my work (and not just that, to condemn it as some sinful temptation) feels painful. I suppose that's my pride talking. I'm not even sure what I'm looking for posting this here, as most of you probably followed me for what I have written. Maybe I want someone to take my hand and say I'm being crazy. I know some of you follow some faith or other. I guess I'm just trying to say, that at this moment, I'm not sure I should be writing this stuff anymore, and I feel bad for it, but I'm not sure why I feel bad.
Do I feel like a prideful sinner with an agenda to push corruptive stories regarding debasing sex? Do I feel like a pretender who is only doing this because, damn it, she wants to fit in and fears to fight a losing battle? Do I feel like an extremist who is making much ado about nothing, and plenty of "Christians" go to church and still go on sinning, so what's the big deal?
Do I feel like an idiot who thinks too much?
Don't feel pressured to accept anything. I tried this path and it left me desperately unhappy. Do what your heart tells you.
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I want to relax about it, but it weighs on me. I hate the idea of pretending, but the fear of isolation is almost palpable. I think, "Perhaps it's not pretending if I really try." And I want to believe in something. But how does one really believe if they are doing things halfway? Then I return to the top of the list and go down again. That's why I fret.
In all honesty, as someone who has never been religious, Christianianity has always been a sore spot for me mostly because I grew up in a Christian centered southern state here in the States. My parents never really pushed any religion onto me at all. So at home, religion never had any real place there. The only reason why I even tried to read the bible once was because of curiosity and well... I felt 'out' because I didn't believe in something and there might be something wrong with me.
Of course, I quickly got out of that. There wasn't anything wrong with me. I just studied the religion and didn't do anything with it because it didn't make sense to me and even more so because of how many other religions there were, not to mention that it wasn't a European one. (Reading about my ancestors loss of their ancestral gods was very disconcerting.) But I kept it to myself, mostly because, well, I've learned that even just stating you don't believe around Christians can be... difficult. Doesn't help that I've had trouble with them in the past.
But, really, at the end of the day, I'm going to have to say I'm glad I didn't buy into it. It's actually sort of freer to think on your own instead of relying on one set doctrine. I would say hold fast and be careful and be sure to teach your kid real science. I would recommend dinosaurs since they are awesome. XD
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Heh. I will certainly teach kiddo about dinosaurs.