Progress report: still slow, but getting there. Also sneak peek.

Okay, first off: really sorry, superfun, but the TwiDash thing remains mostly at the same level of completion as before. I've settled on more of an oblivious 'She has to be joking' attitude on Rainbow Dash's part, I've got the outlines, but while I have been getting my writing groove back, it's mostly centered around dialogues so far. I'm still having trouble doing descriptions and action scenes to a degree I'm comfortable with, and for a story that's centered on descriptions that's a serious handicap.

Second: first draft of Changeling Observations is nearing completion, I expect to have a rough first version of it by the weekend.

And what will it be like, you ask? Have a look.

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Changeling Observations on Animal Acquisition (working title)

Pharynx was glad to be on a mission again. Thorax had finally wizened up and gotten the former military ‘lings back into training under the watchful eyes of their (usually) most muscular member, Coleopter, and they were actually getting some decent infrastructure in place, infrastructure that didn’t have pretty vines on it.

Pharynx was nowhere near all that bustling activity, though. He was now in Equestria, flying across the landscape to purchase new supplies for the Hive. Specifically, he was getting guard animals. Thorax had been most insistent he should get something good, and to listen to his companion. Said companion had then been made privy to far too much personal information than Pharynx liked.

“Are you sure this is the right way?” he asked.

“Umm, yes,” came the meek reply. “It’s just a little further until Mister Thundereye’s place. That’s what Rainbow Dash said, and Doctor Fauna.”

Pharynx stifled a groan. Of all the ponies Thorax could have saddled him with, it had to be this one, this yellow-belly, pink-haired pansy of a mare. The name alone, Fluttershy, it made him sick to his stomach. If you were going to name your child after a butterfly, at least make it sound intimidating. Now, the eagles, they’d never make that mistake. If an eagle decided not to name their firstborn Adolph or Hilda or any of the names that made one check the escape routes twice, they’d name them something that inspired true terror, like Smiterling, or Zweiundzwanzigpunkt.

Pharynx thought back to when he was first sent to kindergarten, hearing all those funny names, learning about different cultures, scaring the teachers. Took those eagles two hours to get unstuck from the wall and three to figure out which one of the chicks was a fake.

Good times, when he could show off what changelings were truly capable of, when he could command respect, even as a youngling. Not like now, with the sharp angles of his wings dulled into a grossly inadequate rounded dragonfly shape, all the functional surface-enhancing holes of his body gone, and his carapace now far too shiny and colourful to be intimidating. At least the green of his body was a dark military green, that was a plus. And he was pretty sure he’d seen the same shade of purple his carapace sported on something venomous, so that was bound to be scary to some species somewhere. He could have done without the mandible-shaped antlers, but Thorax had a bigger version of those, and Thorax was a pushover, so Pharynx getting them wasn’t entirely misplaced.

Pharynx still wasn’t entirely sure what to make of this new body.

Not like I need to stick to it all the time.

“Are you sure you want to do this, Pharynx?” Fluttershy asked, snapping him out of his fond childhood memories, and less fond ponderings on his body image. “Keeping pets isn’t easy, and, umm, changelings aren’t used to it, I think. And, you know, guard animals can be a teensy tiny bit hard to keep under control.”

“I’m sure,” Pharynx replied. “The Hive needs a strong defence, and besides, you heard Thorax: that’s what Celestia used to do. If we’re going to be more like ponies, we should follow her example.”

“Yes, she does have Philomena as a personal guard animal. And Cerberus to guard Tartarus.”

“And you and your friends to guard her kingdom.”

“Exactly.” Fluttershy nodded, before realising what the changeling was trying to imply. “Wait.”

“Is that it, there?” Pharynx pointed to what looked like a circus tent down below, in the middle of nowhere. It was surrounded by cages, and had a small house nearby, presumably living quarters.

“Looks like it.”

((introducing Thundereye. Remark from the author: remember I said I'm rusty at descriptions? This is one of the issues, and a large part of why I'm writing this segment later.))

“Alright, then, I need guard animals to secure our border. What monsters can you deliver, salespony?”

Thundereye smiled. “Well, then, for border patrolling I have Observers with full three sixty vision in all directions, both the Sharingan variant and the Byakugan variant.” He pointed to a set of cages containing creatures that looked like little more balloons with eyes strewn about their surface. None of the eyes blinked in sync with another, so the creatures never had more than one eye closed at a time.

“What does that mean?” Fluttershy asked.

“Byakugan means each individual eye can see in three sixty vision and can see through the skin to pinpoint enemies’s pressure points. Very handy in case they get into a scuffle, impossible to be blinded.”

“Sounds promising,” Pharynx said, leaning closer to one of the white-eyed ones. “What else can they do with it?”

“I beg your pardon?”

“When this Beaky Gun thing lets them see the weak points, what do they do with it? How do they attack? Or do they report it to their handlers somehow?”

Here, Thundereye had to be frank. “Err, no, no they don’t. Their language system is still too primitive. Mostly you want these when stealthed enemies are a problem.”

“And their means of attack?”

“Err… mostly they scream loudly, and they have nettle cells on their tentacles. Very effective against foes of an etheric nature, good way of silencing spellcasters, not that useful for grunt work.”

Pharynx grumbled. At least this Earth pony was honest. Then again, Thundereye had gotten advance warning from Princess Celestia, so scamming wasn’t an option anyway. “What about the other breed? Cherry Gun?”

“Sharingan. Lets them see everything in slow motion and dodge enemy attacks, even copy the patterns. Same offensive capacities, though, or lack thereof.”

Pharynx stared at the balloon-like things, then at Fluttershy, to wordlessly communicate his displeasure and the obviousness of its source. She did not get it. He was annoyed by her ignorance. “What else have you got?”

“I have acquired some fresh Orthros. Two-headed dogs, both heads are shepherds. One is a Marshland shepherd, the other a Germane.”

“What’s the difference?”

“A Marshland shepherd bites once to drag the enemy down,” Fluttershy replied. “Germanes like keep snapping and biting, but they risk letting go in the process. Putting both on the same body is, umm, you know, practical.”

“But no ranged attacks? No magic, no nothing?”

Thundereye shook his head. “Not that I’m aware of, no. I’ve heard of puppies that shoot lasers out of their eyes, but I’ve yet to see one.”

Fluttershy paid it no heed. She’d already found one of the chained beasts and was currently in the process of assessing the merchandise by means of bellyrubbing. “Aww, who’s a good boy? Yes you are, yes, you are. Oh, you’re just the sweetest wittle two-headed guard dog, aren’t you?”

Pharynx felt a quiver go through his membranous wings. “Perhaps there’s been a miscommunication, Mister Thundereye. I need an animal to help guard the Changeling Hive. Something fierce, something powerful, Maulwurf-level of ruthlessness at least. Something vicious that’ll make anyone think twice about attacking us.” He bared his fangs for effect.

This gave Thundereye pause for thought. “Hmm… you would like something... fearless?”

“Fearless would be a start,” the changeling said with a curt nod.

“I suppose you could try a honey badger, then. But they’re quite hard to keep fed, and they keep breaking out. And they scare the living daylights out of all the other animals I have.”

For the first time that day, Pharynx smiled. “Sounds like my kind of animal. Where are they?”

“Right over there.” Thundereye pointed to a clearing where a whole group of black and white badger-like creatures lazed about. They lacked the pointed snout of the normal Equestrian badger, though, sporting more of a rounded skull and a flatter, more otter-like snout.

“You don’t keep them in a cage?” Fluttershy asked.

“I gave up on trying that. Honey badgers eat cages.”

Fluttershy immediately went to cuddle one of the critters, pinching its cheek and rubbing along its back, making the skin come loose, from the looks of it. “Aww, this is so cute, and so much floppy skin, too.”

Thundereye nodded. “Yes, they’re quite the hoofful. Immune to most any toxin, jaws that can lock even beyond death, powerful enough to kill an elephant, and thick loose skin is so flexible, predators can bite them in the neck and still the badgers will have enough wiggle room to turn around and bite said predator in the throat. And they are completely fearless, I assure you. A single one of them will walk up to a lion and steal his food, doesn’t think twice about it.”

Pharynx grunted. “Oh. Yeah, that sounds… that all sounds great, Mister Thundereye. But they’re still not quite what I’m looking for.”

“Ah, of course, silly me. You want to see the basilisks, don’t you? Excellent choice, perfect for turret warfare, just tell me what range they should spit and I’ll see which one’s right for you.”

“I have a better idea.” Pharynx marched past the pony and got a good amount of distance between them. Then he shifted into his Screecher Wasp form and let loose a bloodcurdling cry.

Silence descended over the grounds. The Watchers had their eyes clenched shut in fear. The Orthroses all whimpered. The honey badgers looked mildly irked, but walked off, regardless.

Thundereye himself quirked an eyebrow at the beast form Pharynx had chosen. He looked to Fluttershy, who was likewise confused.

Pharynx shifted back and growled. “All of these animals are useless! I need something that’s not scared of changelings, that can fight alongside us. Something powerful, that can take out our enemies.” He stopped when Fluttershy nudged him. “Oh, right. Ahem, sorry, Mister salespony, sir, but it seems the wares are not to the specifications of my Hive. Thank you anyway.”

“That’s much better,” the mare said. “See? It’s not that hard to be polite, is it?”

Thundereye rubbed his chin, thinking. “I see your point, yes. It is a tall order, but I certainly can’t fault your taste. From what I heard, your Hive is not easily defended without the Black Throne. Forgive my candour, but can’t you just… turn into one of these animals? Don’t you already have an army of these things ready, technically?”

“It’s a little more complicated than that,” Pharynx said, looking away. “Military secrets, international espionage, very hush-hush.”

“Pharynx...” Fluttershy nudged him again. “What did Thorax say?”

“Okay, fine. For starters, we don’t have a lot of fighters anymore to begin with. Second, even if we did, they’re not good enough as it is and they can’t all turn into monsters. We can change into anything, sure, but we need a model to base off of. I can turn into a Screecher Wasp, but that’s my trick, I’m the only one.”

“And you cannot simply come up with an appropriate form, then? Fabricate something new? If you wish to make yourself into a chimera, I can show you plenty of interesting creatures with a myriad of useful traits.”

“No, we’ve tried that already, it doesn’t work. We can’t just turn ourselves into a pretty dancer girl to infiltrate the enemy; we need to have the actual dancer in front of us to copy. That’s what got Thorax beaten up.”

Fluttershy’s ears twitched. “Your brother tried to turn into a dancing girl?”

“When he was little. We figured since he was always playing with dolls, he might as well. Unfortunately, he didn’t get it right, and the girls saw through the charade right away. We’re still not sure what gave it away.” Pharynx scratched his head. “Probably the tail, he always had trouble with that. Or maybe it was the beard. Anyway, we prefer not to gamble with these things anymore. We don’t have enough changelings able and willing to fight, now that we’ve stopped feeding the way we used to. Even if we did, we’d still need to bring one of these things to serve as an example; we can’t copy each other, if that’s what you mean. And besides all that, some shapes can be… uncomfortable for us to adopt.”

The stallion gave him a knowing nod and said, “I understand completely. If such is the way of things, I’m afraid I don’t have the means to secure your home. Most of my beasts are more suited for home protection, urban life. The larger monsters are a custom order for circuses and the like, and those aren’t meant for combat at all.”

“Right. Thanks anyway.”

“Although...” Thundereye started before the pair could leave. “There is one option we could try, but I can’t guarantee success. We could see what we find out in the wilds.”

Fluttershy shivered. “You want to go hunting?”

“If Master Pharynx is so inclined. I have in my possession a telelocator staff. It can teleport us to any number of bases I have set up.”

“But all of them have the same animals you have here, don’t they?” Pharynx remarked.

“Not quite. There is one place we can travel that would be fresh ground: the Limos Valley. I have a basecamp there, but I’ve never explored far. I’d be more than willing to take you, let you investigate and choose for yourself if anything is to your liking.”

Pharynx growled under his breath. “Is your camp near the shore, or away from it?”

“It’s not at the shoreline, but you could walk there from my base if you wanted to. And it’s not too close to the Limos River itself, either. You’ve been there?”

“I have. The Limos Valley a brutal place, full of strange and violent creatures. Not only that, but the land itself is cursed. Shadows that can come to life, trees that bite you, flowers whose mere presence drains your sanity.” Pharynx narrowed his eyes. “Why would a pony want to set up a base there?”

Thundereye chuckled. “It’s a very rich place to harvest spider silk, among... other things. The market demand has skyrocketed the past few years, but unfortunately it is next to impossible to accumulate. The dens that litter the landscape are fiercely guarded, and as you may know, the larger dens...”

“Can get up and bite you, I know. So why would I want to go there? What’s out there that you don’t have here?”

“Honestly? I do not know. The Royal Guard commissions me every so often to make the trip with a few of their soldiers, to check the borders of the territory, make sure there haven’t been any catastrophes. Usually the pegasi do a quick flight, the unicorns scan the area, and me and the other Earth ponies, we, ah, we collect what we can. I never stray too far from my base camp when the Guards are around, but, as the colonists used to say, inland lie the riches. The Limos Valley is secluded, and magical. There’s bound to be a monstrosity or two that suits your needs.”

Fluttershy got in between the two. “Excuse me, I don’t mean to be rude, but this sounds like a horrible idea. You can’t just capture some poor, innocent creature and drag it away from home. I’m sorry, but I simply cannot allow it.”

Pharynx nodded. “Hmm, good point. If we take an animal that wants to stay, it’s useless to the Hive.”

Fluttershy breathed a sigh of relief.

“You’d better come along to make sure we only take the volunteers.”

And then she gulped. “Oh, me and my big mouth...”

“When can we leave?”

“I cannot operate the Staff on my own. It only operates on a particular type of fuel-”

Without further ado, Pharynx gagged and coughed up what looked like a dust bunny made of oil. It stuck to the ground and swirled every which way, even bubbling without losing its volume. “Nightmare Fuel, right? Will that do?”

“Quite nicely, yes. It’ll get us there and back again, several trips if we need to.”

“And your fee?”

With a grin, Thundereye said, “If you are willing to risk a journey inland, so am I. I’ve always wanted to take a little trip without any, ah, officials in the mix. Let me go grab my gear, and we’ll be off.”

---

Some remarks: yes, I know, I still need to write Thundereye's introduction. I'll get to it after I get a good first draft, do all the descriptions I'm missing in one go. Probably meditate beforehand. Thundereye is the name I'm giving this magnificent bastard, the ancient beast dealer from Trade Ya!

His trading card names him Cratus, though. What do you think? Thundereye or Cratus? It's a simple Search and Replace at this point. I could just go for the middle road and call him Cratus Thundereye. Not that far off Cheese Sandwich in terms of silliness.

Why the Limos Valley? Chanced upon the name on Wikipedia, looking up what I might get wrong if I use the word 'lethemancer'. Greek mythology has lots of neat deity names no one's using, turns out. If you've guessed what this is a crossover with, then you'll see why it's that river. If you haven't guessed it yet, if you've at least heard of the game, then the river's meaning will tip you off on it.

Plot-wise, it's a spiritual successor to Worst 'Ling for the Job, but it doesn't require previous reading to enjoy. I'll be aiming to make Pharynx a little more nuanced as a character, and I'm turning his giant wasp monster thing into a major plot point and a defining thing for his arc.

Also, I'll be ending the story on a pun, sort of. Fair warning, it's worse than the one from Necro-Semantics. So much worse, on so many levels.

In any event, I'm having fun writing again, I'll be sure to keep my promises in due time, but I have no intention of delivering a subpar product. Not again, at least. These next two stories need to be zingers. Whether they'll be popular, I don't care as much.

Still need to get cover art, though. That's going to be tricky.