Holy shit, it actually works (#NOTCLICKBAIT) · 7:38pm Mar 22nd, 2018
I finally understand why I'm so exhausted all of the time, now.
I’ll preface this by saying that I’m not a psychiatrist or a psychologist. I know a lot of people self-diagnose these days with all kinds of shit, and who knows, maybe I’m just joining the club with what I’m about to say.
Buuut… I am pretty sure I have PTSD. God, I’m cringing so hard saying that since so many people flippantly declare that they have PTSD from all kinds of minor stuff (cough Tumblr cough), but after reading some material by a psychologist named Pete Walker on adult survivors of abuse and resulting Complex PTSD, I shit you not, I have just about every single symptom he discusses, all the way down to some very specific things I say aloud to myself and others that he mentions in his writings. Again, I am not a doctor/psychiatrist, but it fits like a glove. It’s like this: sure, a doctor needs to officially declare someone dead even when it looks obvious, but when you look down at a headless corpse, you don’t have to be a doctor to be like, “Yeah, that dude’s dead.” Same thing with me and this whole C-PTSD business, as far as I can see.
But this (very likely) fact isn’t just good for validation that all of this shit has fucked me up. It’s actually incredibly beneficial for helping me to see why I have the thought patterns I do, and where they come from. For example, I’m very good at reading people’s facial expressions and their tones of voice, and I can usually tell how someone’s really feeling very quickly. This by itself is not a bad thing, but the issue arises when my brain’s default state is to assume that I am the cause of the negativity the other person is experiencing, and/or that if I say/do the wrong thing, I’m gonna be in a world of hurt and people won’t like me anymore and I’ll ruin someone’s day. I also believe that I am very socially awkward and unlikeable, which exacerbates the stress I feel to a huge degree. As a result, I’m constantly on edge and quite literally holding my breath, subconsciously waiting for shit to hit the fan and walking on eggshells with everything I say and do. With everybody, all of the time.
This is not a rational response, of course. It’s a trauma response I didn’t realize I was having until about two weeks ago, and it happens without me even having to think about it. I’m not “doing it to myself” as my lovely father sperm donor so often preaches at me, it is happening to me. Once I’ve made this realization, the amount of power the panicked and desperate feeling has on me is drastically reduced, because now I know I’m not fighting with myself. I’m fighting with him, the bullies, and the horrific enabling teachers/principles/school counselors throughout most of my life. Those people piss me off, and the biggest form of motivation I’ve had throughout my life is “fuck you”. So knowing where it’s coming from? It helps.
That guy I just mentioned, Pete Walker, calls these things “emotional flashbacks”. They are not necessarily even memories of specific events that come back to haunt you, but pre-programmed neural responses developed over the course of many years by repeated and prolonged traumatic experiences. My responses are sometimes so extreme that I’ll be planning out a suicide attempt in my brain while someone is talking to me, because I think they must be annoyed by my presence and don’t want me around.
I’m starting to figure out that the wrong approach to fixing this, though, is the whole idea of “forgive and forget” or “just let it go”. Narcs like my abusive father love to quote bible verses like “turn the other cheek” and say that I just need to “let it go” because it’s in the past, whatever it is. Daddy, why did you spank me until I had bruises, pick me up and body slam me down on my bed, scream at me for five minutes while jabbing me in the chest with your finger and making fun of me when I flinched, and then walk out of my room and leaving me to stare blankly at my bedroom wall until the sun went down? Well, my seven year old son, you just need to let it go because it’s three whole hours in the past, you resentful, rebellious, bad little boy.
When Narcs say “let it go”, what they’re actually saying is “I won’t be held accountable for any of my actions because I did nothing wrong and you’re just a selfish, resentful jerk who should be ashamed of himself for daring to be so ungrateful that I loved you enough to beat you and ridicule you constantly because I love you soooo so much. Oh, and you need to say sorry for hurting my feelings or some shit.”
You know what? Fuck that. When these emotional flashbacks (and sometimes, explicitly clear flashbacks) are forced upon me, I won’t try to “let it go”. Because all “let it go” means is “stop having feelings, you pussy”. I remember there were innumerable times I wished I couldn’t feel anything. I couldn’t fight back against anyone who was doing shit to me, so what other option did I have to defend myself? But now, I can fight back. I can fight these flashbacks when they pop up, because I’m not the helpless kid I used to be.
Now, for the good news: I’m fighting, and it’s working.
I started the Monday before last with really trying to put this stuff into practice. I lost count of how many times I had to tell myself “this is an emotional flashback, not a real response to what’s going on” after the sixth time. It was before noon. My GA duty was also that day, and my dissertation advisor was giving me instructions on things to do around the lab for some experimental setup. I normally have to fight panic whenever someone is giving me directions for anything (my post two blogs ago explains why), but I once again reminded myself that this was an automatic response that comes from past traumas, and that I wasn’t in danger. And it worked; I felt more relaxed, and I wasn’t terrified of disappointing him and making a fool out myself. One of my daddy dearest’s favorite things to say to me was that he “loved me enough to be honest and tell me what others in the real world will simply think about me” when I do [insert thing here]. I’ve carried that with me for longer than I realized, because I always tend to think that even if other people aren’t saying things to me directly, that they’re actually still thinking ill of me when I mess things up and they just aren’t telling me. Bullshit.
By the end of this second week, it’s already gotten easier to fight this shit. Good god, with the number of times a day that this has been happening, it’s no wonder I always feel so exhausted at the end of the day. And guess what? I have a noticeably greater amount of energy day by day, now. I’m also breathing a lot better, which sounds trivial, but I never noticed how often I held my breath all throughout the day due to being so constantly on edge.
The irony of always being so panicky and suicidal and depressed and worthless on the inside is that other people never perceived it. It was always on the inside, festering, but I’m starting to see that I was still using masking strategies I learned at home in order to deal with my family, and to deal with bullies, as well. I’ve actually had two people in my life say to me that I should be a special forces operator because I’m so relaxed all the time. It’s actually kind of hilarious. I freak out about fucking everything… except for things that any normal person would freak out about. Like running into a black bear in the woods while hiking, or nearly having a semi-truck run you off the highway going 80 mph, or a guy trying to run you over with his car and saying he’s going to shoot you because you dared to go on the cross walk before he reached the stop sign. I’m like “oh, that’s nice lol” and I don’t give a fuck. But fumbling over my words during a clinician-patient interaction? Literally kill me now. But I get why that is, now, and things are starting to get a lot better.
I still think my mom is brainwashed and an enabler, but I don’t hate her. I’m angry, but my dad also did some of his absolute worst stuff to me when she wasn’t present, so I can’t completely blame her. I don’t hate my sister, either. I’m pretty sure there are things I don’t know about with her, even though I know I took the brunt of everything. She struggles with a lot of the same stuff I do, and I don’t think it’s a coincidence. Yes, she was the golden child, but she didn’t approve of what was happening to me, either. I wouldn’t be surprised if she felt guilt from the OTHER side. I love her, and I’ve always had a close relationship with her. She was my only friend growing up.
I know I have to go totally NC (no contact) with my dad when I’m able to, but I’m still nervous about what that means for my relationship with my mom and sister, especially my sister. She’s brainwashed by him in her own way, and whatever he’s told her in the past or in the present, it doesn’t seem to be helping her. She has horrendous self-esteem issues despite the fact that she’s one of the most brilliant people I know, but I can’t just bring up all of this stuff with her right now. I don’t know all of her details, either, but I know that this can’t be coincidence. I don’t know what he’s done to her, not fully anyway. I don’t want to just ask, either. If it’s anything like me, I repressed memories of stuff until I began having flashbacks due to discovering the r/raisedbynarcissists subreddit. I didn’t even think repressed memories were a thing until this experience. I don’t want her to go through that right now, not in the middle of the school year.
But I digress.
Things are looking up for the first time in a long time. Last Sunday, I caught myself feeling genuinely excited to wake up for the first time in years. I’d say that’s progress, eh?
I also want to give another thank you to everybody who’s given me support through all of this crazy shit. You’re not all “strangers on the internet”, but real living, breathing people who DO care. I think I get that, now. I’ll keep fighting and doing my life, and who knows… maybe I’ll be able to finally start writing, again.
Until next time.
A very good development you made here. There are universes between what you wrote here some weeks ago and what you wrote here today.
Once you feel well enough to write a fic again, it will be on top of my priority list of fics to read!
Dude, what happened to you before? Are you okay?
This seems to go along with something my counsellor told me. I forget what the context was, but I remember asking, "Is it really that easy? Just stop thinking this way?" His answer surprised me. "Well you see, thought patterns are habits. We think certain ways because we've thought that way over and over and over until it's a habit. Just like any other habit, it can be broken. The best way to get rid of a habit is to replace it with another habit."
Your welcome. I'm glad you're doing okay now.
To quote the OG starwars battlefront 2
I know it can feel like we are just numbers on the internet, but we do care. Good to know you are feeling a bit of the love.
And yeah people using the forgive and forget thing as an excuse to be crappy people is just stupid. But in the long run forgiveness will be good for YOU. To be clear, NEVER say what they did is right or excused. But say Because I am better than (Person who wronged you), Therefore, I can forgive. And then go no contact if possible.
Turn the other cheek is a very interesting phrase, so many interpretations. I always personally thought the phrase was intended for petty things, insults, get dirt on your shoes maybe even burst of anger, literally getting slapped on the cheek.
But physical abuse? Psychological abuse? There are levels of insult or attack so great that even the Lord himself would have trouble convincing us of forgiving, I say, don't hold it against them, be polite, remember it in the future and remind them that while what they did was heinous you forgive them and you are above the hate.
But don't let them use it against you, to take advantage of good faith.
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Glad to hear it, man. Things are looking up right now, and I'll do what I can to keep them that way.
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I had a total breakdown due in large part to recovering a shit load of repressed memories of being abused as a child by my family, and now I'm trying to work my way through it. This blog explains in more detail if you want to read.
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It really is amazing/awful how automatic my extreme responses are to things. It really is like needing to reprogram your whole brain from scratch. Your counselor is right. I hope you are doing alright, man, but if you want to talk about anything just shoot me a PM!
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Me too, man. Me too. Thank you so much for everything you've said, too. Your sentiment that you would let me stay with you for a while if it were up to you touched me.
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I understand what you're saying, I do. But I can't forgive him, and I don't think I ever will. And I feel more peace in saying that than I do the idea that I need to "forgive".
I can accept what happened to me, and I am doing what I can to move on and live my life. But that plan includes harnessing the anger and hatred I feel for all of the things he's done to me when the flashbacks occur and using that energy to fight back with everything I have. I won't become sane by trying to force myself to "forgive" a man that is still, to this day, actively trying to undermine and control my life in abusive ways. If you don't understand what I'm saying or can't relate to it, then that's perfectly alright with me. I hope you will NEVER find yourself having to feel what I'm feeling, especially not about your own parent who is supposed to love and support you.
If he was a changed person, it would still take some time for me to forgive him. If his abuse was unintentional or sparked solely by outbursts of anger that he later regretted, it would still take some time, but would I be able to do it someday? Yeah, I think so. My worst school bully messaged me on social media three years ago and apologized, and we ended up grabbing coffee. Turns out, he had a horrible home life, too. We're on good terms, now. This is one of the guys that used to stalk me on my way home from school and throw rocks at my head, fight me (I was much smaller than him), and did his best to make my life hell every day through other methods. I forgive him.
But my dad isn't redeemable. He has no empathy, and the only reason he stopped trying to beat on me and sexually humiliate me in front of other kids and fondle me is because I got bigger than him. And mark my words, if I find out that he ever touched my sister, I will make it my greatest mission in life to end him. The flames of hell won't hide him from me.
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That is the intention of the phrase, definitely. I agree with you. My dad, just like he does with everything else, corrupted it for his own purpose.
I will, against him. I have no shame in saying it.
I can maintain the facade with him if I have to, no worries.
I have to love myself enough to hate him and everything he's done to me. And what he is still doing to me.
And besides, he has never said sorry. For anything. Ever. No exaggeration, no exceptions, he has never uttered the words "I am sorry" or "I apologize" or "will you forgive me?" ever.
You want to know what he would say if I told him that I forgive him for his abuse? More or less verbatim, here's what he would say:
"Forgive me? For what? I never did anything wrong to you. I am your father, I don't answer to you! You always try to make everything about you, acting like you're such a victim all of the time! If you go through life always acting like you're being persecuted then you'll never get anywhere! I fed you, I clothed you, I loved you enough to guide you down the right path when you needed it, and you still hold onto things that are way in the past? You've really shown your true colors, today. I am very disappointed in you. And you should remember this the next time you ever want something, eh?"
Someone like my dad doesn't need forgiveness. They need cancer. Preferably stage 4. Will I get downvotes and unfollows for saying that? Sure. I don't care. That's okay with me.
I have no ill will towards you, but your approach for forgiveness only works for people that aren't malignant psychopaths. I've tried what you've said before with my dad, and it's made me totally miserable. I can forgive almost every one of my bullies because, while I have trauma to work through from what they did to me, I know that they wouldn't want to do those things to me now. I've seen some of them, and they've changed. I also know that there were probably other things going on at home for them, too. What they did was bad, but I CAN forgive them. Not my dad.
Anywho, that was my rant. Sorry if it's disturbing.
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Hey, no skin off my nose, I only offer my point of view you have the right to use whatever judgment you decide.
I only offer a change of view, I know that forgiveness is hard, for me even with my faith, it's one of the hardest things for me to wrap my head around. Whatever happens, you don't owe him an apology, he owes you. Know that he will not get away with this.
He obviously didn't read the bible. Punishing a child for something negligible doesn't sound very disciplined or caring.
I haven't been online much lately (just wrapped up my first set of grad school finals and you know how that is) so i'm just going to respond to everything here instead of at each post.
I'm really glad to hear your doing better. I've been concerned about you for a long time (especially with your more recent posts). What your dad did to you was unforgivable and the second you're able to you really need to cut off all contact. I know that it may damage your relationship with your mom and sister, but i don't think there's another option.
you'll get your doctorate. you'll get a good job. And you'll be successful. We know you can do it, and we'll be with you all the way.
I think you know this now, but we're not just strangers on the internet. I've been reading your fics for four and a half years now. You're one of the authors that got me into fanfics, and you were one of the original batch of authors i tracked down after changing from fanfiction to fimfiction. If you ever feel like we're just strangers on the internet, remember that i've know you longer than most people i'm friends with today.
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One of my life goals now is to get to the point where I can cut off all contact and become totally independent. I'm doing the setup as sneaky as I can right now, and it also helps that I have summer semesters so I have a reason not to go home. For now, I'll just keep living my life and working at it.
Thank you so much for giving your support and caring about me, man. I hope your finals went well, and congrats on getting into grad school! I'm so glad that I've been able to write things that have had an impact on you, and hopefully I'll get a chance to continue that in the future.
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I fully support that goal. Yeah, being able to work/take classes over the summer has got to be nice in your situation.
Of course. If you ever want someone to talk to about this, fell free to message me.
I look forward to seeing what you write in the future. Although of course real life is more important.
Thanks. Finals are still being graded, so stuff is still trickling in. Although I know I didn't do great on one of them. It was a poorly written test (including stuff that wasn't taught in the class) so I don't think anyone did great and I believe it's curved. How's your doctorate going?