In Which I Suffer Through New Moon: Chapter 1 -- Party · 3:30pm Mar 3rd, 2018
Before we begin New Moon, I’m happy to announce a new staple to this series, the Clinginess Meter! Whenever Bella — just Bella — says or does something that’s horrifically obsessive about Edward, rather than comment on it, I’ll simply put the quote down and add 1 to the Clinginess Meter. And it needs to be obsessive; simply “I love you” doesn’t count, but “I could never live without you” does.
That settled, on we go!
Clinginess Meter: 0
Much like Twilight, the book begins with a pointless preface that comes from the climax of the book. There’s no context and no reason why I should be invested. Skipped.
Bella’s having a dream. Specifically, a dream about her grandma, who’s been dead for six years. Then she hears someone call out her name, and HOLY SHIT we’re adding to the Clinginess Meter on the very first page!
The voice I’d walk through fire for — or, less dramatically, slosh every day through the cold and endless rain for.
CM + 1
Yeah, it’s Edward. He walks up to Bella; she puts her arm around him, but when she sees her grandmother doing the same thing to an invisible person, she realizes she’s looking into a mirror: her “grandmother” is actually her. Edward wishes Bella “happy birthday” and she wakes up screaming. It really is Bella’s birthday — her eighteenth, to be precise — and she’s freaking out because she’s getting old. She even checks for wrinkles. Really.
When I went to brush my teeth, I was almost surprised that the face in the mirror hadn’t changed. I stared at myself, looking for some sign of impending wrinkles in my ivory skin.
There’s a brief mention that part of the reason she’s freaking out is because she’s eighteen and Edward will never be — yet another good idea thrown into the abyss — but for the most part, Bella’s focused on herself and how she’ll eventually grow old. Bella, you’re closer to your birth than you are to 40. You’re not allowed to freak out about that yet.
Dreading the day ahead, Bella heads to school, where she sees Edward and-
Despair momentarily vanished; wonder took its place. Even after half a year with him, I still couldn’t believe that I deserved this degree of good fortune.
CM + 1
Alice is there as well, wishes Bella a happy birthday, and asks when she wants to open her present. Even though Bella had asked for no presents. Well, way to be considerate, Alice. You’re specifically asked to not get gifts, and you still get her one? Great. (Alice isn’t even alone in this; Bella’s parents got her a camera and a scrapbook to document her senior year. At least those gifts had a point.) And why’d you say, “Happy birthday!” when you know Bella doesn’t want it? You could’ve said… (peruses Wikipedia)… “Happy International Chocolate Day!” Alice, what happened? You’re becoming less discount Pinkie Pie and more filterless Pinkie Pie gone bad!
As the three of them exchange words, Bella thinks about becoming a vampire and staying fixed at this age.
Being a vampire didn’t look like such a terrible thing — not the way the Cullens did it, anyway.
Yeah, but the Cullens need to work at it. It’s not like they can just turn off their lust for human blood and turn it into a lust for animal blood. It takes a lot of effort to make something look easy. But no, you just think that it is easy.
The school day passes. Bella and Edward head to her house to watch an adaptation of Romeo and Juliet for English. As they’re sitting together-
“Do you think I’ll ever get better at this?” I wondered, mostly to myself. “That my heart might someday stop trying to jump out of my chest whenever you touch me?”
CM + 1
The movie plays, and when Romeo commits suicide, Edward gives an out-of-nowhere monologue about how easily humans can kill themselves. He brings this up because, if James had killed Bella, Edward was going to kill himself after he’d killed James; there was no way he’d live without Bella. (I’d add 1 to the Clinginess Meter, but I said that that was only for Bella.) Edward muses that maybe he’d do something to provoke the Volturi, a powerful vampire family that lives in Italy. Carlisle had lived with them for a while before he came to America; you might remember them as the vampires he tried and failed to persuade to only drink animal blood. Edward compares the Volturi to royalty; you don’t irritate them unless you want to die. Bella doesn’t like the idea.
“You must never, never, never think of anything like that again!” I said. “No matter what might ever happen to me, you are not allowed to hurt yourself!”
The idea of Edward ceasing to exist, even if I were dead, was impossibly painful.
CM + 2
After the movie’s done and Charlie gets them pizza (his idea of a party, giving Bella a break from cooking for the night — which is honestly a lot closer to what she actually wanted than what anyone else did), Bella and Edward head off to the Cullens’ house so she can celebrate with them. As this is the first “real” birthday any of them have celebrated in decades, they go a little overboard with the decorations and presents, much to Bella’s chagrin. And for once, I agree with her. Are the Cullens celebrating her, or are they indulging themselves? It feels like the latter.
The first gift Bella opens is a radio for her truck. But as she opens the next one, she gets a papercut. It must’ve been the worst papercut in history, since she actually bleeds a little. Jasper, the vampire with the least control, goes ballistic at the slightest smell of blood; Edward pushes Bella out of Jasper’s way (rather than restraining Jasper) and she tumbles onto a glass table. It shatters and she cuts up her arm on the glass — and now all the Cullens are ravenous from the intense scent of blood. End chapter.
Semi-effective cliffhanger aside, this opening was a lot weaker than Twilight’s. Bella’s even more annoying than usual with her whining about her birthday and the Cullens don’t seem to be very considerate of her, with splurging on the decor and gifts. I know Bella’s parents also got her gifts, but A) they’re her parents, and parents are always allowed to embarrass their kids, and B), they actually got her something with a purpose. Already, I’m disliking New Moon more than Twilight.
Clinginess Meter: 5
Why, why, why D:
Oh, so Twilight took up the first three seasons, then. :B
This does make it seem like the Cullens are keeping Bella around as their pet human. Somewhere between living vicariously through her and getting her cute little outfits to where with that adorable still-beating heart of hers.
Also, Edward really needs to find a different way to rescue Bella from things aside from "shove her out of the way."
Also also, do you think the Clinginess Meter will break triple digits with this book?
Poor Charlie. Never read the books and I don’t want to.