//////// · 10:03pm Jan 13th, 2018
I keep getting told to call a suicidal hotline if gets bad enough and I promised to do so if I did.
Here I am, sitting in front of the snake river, and I call them.
“Hello, and welcome to the suicidal hotline~”
pause.
Same in another language.
I am sitting at the edge of a river, and it’s a machine. A machine to sort people out. Who call this in a last attempt to not do something.
Like.
I.
I just.
I’m so tired. I can’t tell you how tired I am. I am just so tired. I’m so tired of this. I’m so tired to trying to change my personality and learn the things your parents or school would teach you as an assumed life skill to deal with things. I don’t want to hit a series of numbers to get someone, I just want to jump in a river.
All the little things to cope I use are not here and won’t be here, and my house is antagonistic while trying to not be, and I just want to be alone and not alone, and...
I just so want to jump into this river. So much I can’t contact someone I know and say I want to jump into this river, because I really want to jump into this river. I really really want to jump into this river. I’m probably gonna stare at the river, cry, hate myself, and go home. But I really want to jump into this river.
I just wanted to grieve to someone who didn’t know me, lord...
Well thats a terrible hotline: they should at least have a person there talking to you for a while even if they have to transfer you later to someone more qualified to talk to someone with suicidal ideation.
Here try this, its a chat but it might be faster and it also has some nice relaxing video links
https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/chat/
Dude, I know I'm halfway across the world, I know I can't give you much support, but...
Two and a bit years ago my friend who got me into the Brony fandom in the first place killed himself, hung himself by the neck until he was dead.
I binge watched the show all the way up to the end of season 5, and probably would've dropped the whole thing again until I ran into "The Prank".
It got me to read your stuff (Primarily "Changeling Doll" "Celestia Play Canterlot Seige 2", and "Loser's Booth"), and it got me to read Kudzu's stuff, and those stories made me want to write my own stuff again, and read more stuff.
I've met friends, I've written stories (some of which are still in the planning stages), I've found some real gems of literature; all these good things (and bad things on occasion) becuase you had a funny idea and put it down to type.
If you want to, or need to talk to someone, just send me a PM. I can't promise an immediate response, living in Britain puts me at a pretty significant time gap, but I will respond.
*offers fluffy ponies and hugs*
Don't really know what else to offer as help, sorry.
Jesus, dude. Words can’t really do justice how to properly respond but, please, please don’t ever get the idea that you can’t talk about this shit. With people who care abiut you, not a bunch of hotline randos. I wish I could offer anything more in support besides that.
dude just calm down your life has value people would be sad if you where gone
It sounds like that service line needs new management yesterday. That is inexcusable please check online for another service fast. Call your family and tell them you need them now. Call your therapist ASAP as they will get you the help you need fast. I don’t know where you are but I would tip off the media about this poor service. Many people on this site care for you.
I can just picture the catch-22 with the hotline... Like, having a machine answer it is awful. And yet any time somebody who doesn't speak English calls, having an operator who will have no idea what they need is awful too. Somebody probably didn't really think through the solution to the latter problem! Though I'm not sure what the ideal solution is.
Regardless, I would be really sad if you weren't around. You seem like a pretty interesting person. Depression sucks, and the world sucks, and life sucks, but still... people would miss you.
There is something you've heard a thousand times and probably have no way of believing, but it's true. It gets better. Ive done the same thing you're doing now but, with a little medication and some slight changes to my diet and exercise routine, I've stopped having the thoughts so often. In fact, if you're able, I'd say for sure get yourself some vitamin d supplements and go for a walk a couple times a week. That's what my therapist told me. There is even talk of taking me off my meds.
So it sucks. It sucks so much. I understand. I've sat on the ledge of buildings and considered jumping. I went to my favorite spot of my favorite park and climbed the railing to take the leap.
And yet here I am. I don't know you, you don't know me, so if you ever want to talk to someone feel free! You can just be like ' I just wanna vent' and go into whatever and I'll listen and respond unless you don't want me to.
Because you are worth so much more than what you think you are. You're worth twice your weight in gold.
Whatever you do, please just pay attention to these comments. Every single one.
These are people who care immensely about you, and they just want to help.
You're being noticed by people that care about you. Including me
I've felt very similar, and I don't have any advice. I wish I did.
Usually it's a wish that I could just drop dead, then it wouldn't be my fault.
The last time it got really bad was a while ago - but because I have a minor phobia of talking on the phone, I didn't want to call a hotline. I did find a crisis line that works through text and it did seem to help at the time.