Random Ramblings CXCIX · 4:59am Oct 26th, 2017

IN WHICH ONE YEAR HAS PASSED
Hi there. Weren't expecting to see me again, were you? Well, I wanted to let you know a couple of things. First, my next Burritoverse entry is ready to go but for formatting issues, and my latest comedy is almost complete -- I made some headway on it last night. Second, well, follow me past the jump for real talk.

What does the subtitle mean? I'll tell you. Though I'm not aware of the exact date it happened -- I'm not sure I even stated it here -- it has now officially been one year since my longtime girlfriend dumped me. Her official excuse was that I was abusive (that's only a quarter true), but the real reason is that she was tired of dealing with my mental issues -- which got worse throughout last year due to the combined stresses of my mother losing her home and my father's cancer diagnosis, coupled with my panic attacks during conventions -- and she developed a crush on another guy, which I realized before she did and, when she said she wanted "a break", I called her on it and she admitted it. Maybe it's ethical that she'd rather just leave me instead of cheat, which makes her better than her awful mother, but not by much.

That guy broke her heart, as everyone expected, during which time she still depended on me for some things. In January, she hooked up with another guy with whom she'd been chatting online for awhile. Although I didn't take it well, I can't hate this one. He and I have much in common -- we're both longtime Sonic fans, for one (don't worry, I will never write an MLP/STH crossover), for one, and she had encouraged me to become friends with him before she decided to make the situation awkward.

Making things more awkward is the fact that she left the vast majority of her stuff -- accumulated over our seven years living together -- at my home. To date, she still has a lot of it here, making it nearly impossible for me to deep-clean (or attempt it) in preparation for the likelihood of my mother (hopefully temporarily) moving in with me. One of my few remaining friends has encouraged me to do this thing called Kon-Mari. But how can I justify doing that when most of the clutter isn't even mine? Some of the things she left behind are actually valuable.

Anyway, I learned through an accidental leak -- I'm pretty certain there was a conspiracy to keep me out of the loop -- that my ex and her new beau got married on the 13th of this month (she was born on a Friday the 13th and loves Halloween, so of course she'd want to get hitched on one falling in October). Shortly before or after, she defriended me despite our unfinished business. As you can imagine, I took that move of hers very badly and have the scars to prove it, yet still want to send them my well-wishes because that's at least partly how I feel. It's not his fault that I'm such a terrible person my ex has gone out of her way to pretend 2008-2016 never happened. I want to hate him but I can't because I genuinely like him. He is a far better person than I will ever be.

Anyway, since then, I've spent most of every day not leaving my home unless I have someplace I must go, like my mother's temporary home, or my dad's office, or doctor's appointments (which I'll probably never fully pay off), or the store to buy things for my ex's cat who is now my cat -- if it weren't for that little asshole, I'd probably never leave my bed. But even if I don't care about myself, that cat deserves at least minimal attention (I'm allergic to cats, so he's never going to get what he really wants).

Even before 10/13 I was in a bad place mentally, as an older friend of mine simultaneously wanted to see my writing but tried to dissuade me from trying to hack it as a writer and attempt to find a proper job, knowing my neuroses about that. Yes, I am an unemployed bum and have been for many years. This is America; according to our illustrious president (barf) and his government, I am a loser, a parasite, a worthless waste of space. And y'know what? I agree with him for once in my life. "Get a job, hippie!" the Christianists will say as soon as they see me, for what is left of my hair is quite long (partly to piss them off, partly to honour my family's Indian heritage, partly because I'm too lazy and cheap to get it cut -- maybe I should post a photo of myself here one of these days), even though I dress rather conservatively and have never once taken illegal drugs. They don't know or care that I have a literal phobia about certain steps of the job process and even thinking about it triggers panic attacks.

So to conclude this part of the rant, I haven't taken the departure of my girlfriend well at all. I was at Walmart tonight browsing videos and just had a sudden attack of sad. It feels like a part of myself has been ripped out and I know it will never return. It's hard to come to terms with the fact that she was my last chance. No other girl will ever put up with a bum like me. Yeah, I've pretty much given up. On everything. It's a good thing I finished the Recovery Arc before my mental state deteriorated further, because the way I am now I'm not sure I'd be able to give it the happy ending I gave it.

My only real coping mechanism has been listening to and watching lots of BABYMETAL. I love those girls, and their kickass backing band. I think I'll get outside tomorrow before the cold front hits.

I'm SO sorry that I don't have any writing to show you. I feel so guilty about it. I have things but, y'know, old computer, and I simply haven't had the opportunity to get my fat ass down to the library to use their computers. As soon as I do, stories will happen. Before that will be Blogpost 200, in which I will toot my own horn and post an excerpt of a story I can't publish legit. I hope you'll enjoy it. It's sexy kind of. ;)

Anyway, that's all the news that isn't. I hope you all are doing well, and I hope to communicate with you again soon.

Peace out!

Report Soufriere · 392 views · #rant #even less sanity than usual #still not dead #apology #being alone and hating it

Comments ( 7 )

Viewing 1 - 50 of 7
- Newest First
- Oldest First

Dreaming of Magic

Dreaming of Magic #1 · Oct 26th, 2017 · 1 · ·

It's good to see you again, Soufriere, even if the occasion is not the best. I'm sorry that times have not been treating you well, and there isn't really anything I can offer in way of advice, but thank you for sharing your troubles with us even though you don't have to. Not that my saying it will change anything, but I sincerely hope that your situation gets better and that you find a way through life. We'll always be here behind you, never forget that.

Don't sweat it about the story. Taking care of yourself should always come first, and the technology problem is totally understandable. The time simply makes what you post all the more valuable. Definitely looking forward to what you have in the works plus that excerpt!

Best wishes,

-DoM

Posh