Movie thoughts. · 4:32am Oct 16th, 2017
I've got very little writing of any kind done over the past month, thanks to various distractions, most notably struggling for a month to restore functionality to my desktop computer.
Today I spent over 300 miles of driving to get the last piece required for a fully functional design computer. On the way back, I poked my head into a theater and watched the pony movie thing.
All thoughts in spoilerspace.
First, the short film left me cold. Visuals aside, I felt like I'd seen it done before.
Second, the first thing I noticed about the pony movie (after the way-too-long-and-dull title tease) was that, especially in the first part of the movie, the animators made the error that peeves me most about animation: "This is an animated cartoon, so every part of the body MUST be moving ALL THE TIME." Ironically, the ONLY pony in the intro scenes that didn't look drunk was Rainbow Dash.
And the faces... God, don't get me started on the faces. The last time I saw eyes like that was on puppy dogs painted on velvet. I NEVER got used to them, not through the whole movie.
Third... So. Many. Plot. Holes. ALL THE PLOT HOLES. Really. Looking back, the single biggest one: if the magic of all four alicorns can undo the petrification spell, why was it that none of the individual alicorns were immune, or even able to block a damn rock being thrown at them? Is it a power level issue? Another one: how isolated is Equestria that the Storm King, who apparently has nothing going for him except a big damn army until he gets batteries for his magic stick, can conquer what seems like everything south of the Badlands UNNOTICED? And, moreover, be the conqueror for long enough to have a line of licensed merchandise??
Fourth... the star power was absolutely wasted, except for Emily Blunt as Tempest, who ruled one of the two new characters actually necessary for the plot. Capper, the air pirates, the hippogriffs, and Songbird Serenade came of as nothing more than vehicles for the actors so the movie executives wouldn't have to put the regular cast's names on the poster. Granted, the celebs played their parts well... but it seemed obvious to me that, for plot purposes, they could have been replaced by any background pony voiced by the show regulars (or, in the case of the air pirates, by a random monster encounter).
Fifth, a quick breakdown of my thoughts on the new characters. TEMPEST - her background story felt far too similar to Starlight Glimmer's, but she was about as menacing and dangerous as you can have and still have four-year-old kids in the theater (as I did right next to me- mostly well-behaved). CAPPER - Yawn. Needed more to do, and needed more reasons for us to care about him. CAPTAIN CELAENO & crew - Have even less to do than Capper, really, and their punch-card villain to big-damn-hero pivot in the course of one song sequence is just too much for me to swallow. PRINCESS SKYSTAR - Fingernails. On. A. Chalkboard. QUEEN NOVO - Her I liked, and quite a lot. She has valid reasons for doing everything she does, and she acts as you'd expect. But I don't know that an Emmy-winning actress was needed for what amounts to a three minute part. GRUBBER - Great shades of the 1980s. Seriously, this is the kind of bumbling stooge to the baddie I grew up with... and yet it grates, because he simply doesn't fit in with the rest of the show. SONGBIRD SERANADE - You know, I couldn't understand a single word of the ending song? Not. One. Word. Thankfully nothing she did was relevant in any way at all...
And finally, the Storm King. Wow. How do I not throw in a Trump reference? Here is a classic psychotic narcissist. I've seen complaints that he's evil for its own sake. Not quite true. The Storm King wants to be worshipped and feared. He's in it for his own self-glorification. For him evil is an image, a look. He's not really bad in his own mind because (like other real life world leaders) anything which empowers him and reduces others is inherently good. And that mentality, so selfish that the idea of not being selfish becomes incomprehensible, is what makes him a compelling villain to me, for the short time he's actually on. And, of course, it's his total narcissism and greed that leads to his downfall, as I wish happened more often in real life.
(Note: successful real world dictators gain and maintain power by NOT screwing EVERYONE over. They maintain two-way loyalty to their supporters, giving them bennies and protection in exchange for the power base the dictators need to control everyone else. Tyrants with no loyalty to anything other than self don't last long and come to sticky ends- just ask Caligula.)
Next, the recurring cast. NON-PURPLE PRINCESSES - useless yet again. APPLEJACK, RARITY, FLUTTERSHY - "Oh, hi, we're here too!" RAINBOW DASH - Took an extra level in Stupid and spent the character points to buy Inspirational Speaker skill. TWILIGHT SPARKLE - The center of the story, totally believable and consistent in her flaws, but (if my other comments here don't make it clear) she gets this characterization at the expense of most of the other Mane 6. There's no ensemble here. The flick might as well be called TWILIGHT SPARKLE AND HER LITTLE FRIENDS: THE MOVIE.
Except for... PINKIE PIE. Yes, Pinkie is more off the chain in this film than usual, and that's saying a bit... except there's a reason. By turning Pinkie's random dial to 11 for most of the show, the creators rendered the one scene where Pinkie acts like a perfectly normal girl into a true Wham Moment. It's easily the single most effective scene in the whole movie, despite the little touches which are clearly the writers talking down to the audience...
... which, I have to add, they do quite a lot, even by MLP standards. And they really don't need to.
Finally, the songs: I liked "We Got This," but in general I'd much rather have versions of the songs that work outside of the context of a musical movie. (That's one thing I like about Steven Universe over MLP: most SU songs are good songs and listenable entirely out of context of the show. Most MLP songs, not in the least.)
My final analysis: eh, it was about an average episode stretched to eighty minutes. It wasn't anywhere near the best MLP, mostly because half the elements felt recycled and most of the other half superfluous. There were cute touches, a couple of truly excellent scenes, but the timing felt weak, the story padded, and most of the characters horribly underused. I would probably have been just as happy watching it on video (and for what I spent at the theater, I could have).
I wouldn't mind another theatrical movie, but I wish they'd abandon the star-power approach and let the regulars carry the project. They're more than capable of it.
I was thinking of treating my nine-year-old niece to this while still in theaters, but after seeing it I don't think I will. The economics plus the movie itself add up to a Christmas present of the first three Equestria Girls movies, if I go the pony route at all.
Rainbow Dash: So, I got my bard all built for the O&O game, Twilight. Here, take a look at how awesome she is.
Twilight Sparkle: Oh, very nice. Inspiring Song, wonderful charisma... um... On your wisdom score here."
Rainbow Dash: Oh, yeah. That's just a dump stat, so I stuck the six there.
Twilight Sparkle: It explains so much.
4699363
Twilight! Check it out! I found an alternate Pegasus build on Hoofbro's website! It's game-official and everything! I wanna change my character background!
Uhh, okay … can I check out the racial template?
Sure!
"Descendant of Hurricane" … okay, sure, a racial destiny bloodline, extra base flight move, Mobile Memorization, DEX +2 —
— wait wait whaaaaa WISDOM MINUS 6?!
Isn't that just perfect? It's a dump stat anyway!
Dash, you can't HAVE a Wisdom of zero! No living thing is that foolish! You'd literally have the awareness of a slime mold!
A what?
That gross film of crud that cakes the edges of —
OH HECK CHECK THIS OUT! The bloodline power means I can use the Sonic Rainboom as a +2 morale bonus on my Inspire Allies checks! Remember the pirates I almost befriended while we were hiding from the bad guys? I'M GONNA RAINBOOM 'EM IN THE FRIENDSHIP!
…
…
… I stand corrected, a Wisdom of 0 sounds about right.
(TWO DAYS LATER, RIGHT BEFORE THE SECOND PLAY SESSION)
You have hit many nails on the head with this review, nicely done