• Member Since 22nd Jun, 2012
  • offline last seen Jan 19th, 2020

Peregrine Caged


I miss the days--to all my fans and supporters, you were great. I leave a ghost, honest but neglected promises, and just the tip of the worlds I wished to share...

More Blog Posts218

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  • 221 weeks
    My Name is Jared DeZarn. I'm a Worthless Failure.

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Jul
30th
2017

My Name is Jared DeZarn. I'm a Worthless Failure. · 5:31am Jul 30th, 2017

So heads up. I have had a bit more to drink than I meant to. I'm still, more or less, aware of myself. I won't be blacking out or anything. If anything, I'm kind of in a super aware state?

I am a goddamn failure. And I know it. I'm not looking for pity--at least I hope I'm not. I guess I'm just in this mental state where I need to talk (selfish asshole mode awaaaay!) and I have only so many options for that.

So a blog, a pointless thing--easy to ignore.... That seems like a fine place.

Sometimes I think to myself, "I should really do a farewell blog. An official retirement from pony fiction."

I mean, it's not UNTRUE, exactly.

Augh. What do I even want to say?

That I'm tired of being a pathetic fucking worthless loser? Who is just so fucking alone? Who hates everything about his life and... AUGH.

Like, that's partially true. Those feelings exist. I'm so tired of being alone. Of caring so damn much about being honest and faithful and caring, but NOT HAVING ANY OPTIONS WHATSOEVER FOR A MATURE AND FULFILLING RELATIONSHIP.

Ugh. That's not what I want to talk about either. And yet it's one of the loudest voices in my head. Love is something I value so much, and yet I've been denied and tortured over so much... And who hasn't? I'm not fucking special. I hate pretending that I am.

And yet, I value so many people out there. So many as individuals, special and worthwhile. Am I not allowed to be so as well?!

Sometimes, yes, I want and feel that. So many times, no, I don't. Notas much as years past.... Before I camehere. Before I rediscovered my love of writing.

Now I'm just fcking rambling. Wow, I seem like such a drunk! Haha.

So I want toa pologize. I have failed this place. Utterly. Which is one reason I don't want to say I've moved on, or quite, or whatever.
Like. All my stories? I stil have in my head. I still care about.

The friends and memories I've made here... They literally helped me get out of my depression. I miss it, so.
but life doesn't care. Life moves on.
And life stays the same.
I stay alone, I stayh limited.
Largely my own fault but.... Gah.

I don't want pity.
I onlywant to express my appreciation and apologies.
I made a lot o fpromises that will never come to pass.


At the end of the day, that's why I am who I am. I fail becauase I AM A FAILUre. I am alone bcause i neverreallly DESERVE anythign diffently.

Bah.

Report Peregrine Caged · 496 views ·
Comments ( 8 )

I'm sorry to see you're down in the dumps right now. People are different, that's one of the things that's been made clear to me over the years. I've been alone for most of my life mainly because I'm an introvert with severe social anxiety and prone to constant depression because of said anxiety so being alone doesn't really bother me or I'm just numb to it, whichever comes first.

Iunno what to say really to make bad thoughts go away but one thing I've started to realize recently is that people who think they're failing at stuff and then get depressed is because they get too self-absorbed and need an outside perspective. So for example, you may think you're a failure at writing but your stories here (especially DITR) are among the best this site has to offer so I'd so you have real chops for this. Good night, and good luck! :raritywink:

Okay, dude. Couple things.

First, hey! Long time no see! Glad you're alive and (seemingly, physically) healthy! -ish! Healthyish!

Second... I don't know if it's the drink or underlying psychological issues, but you sound less "hyperaware" and more "anxious/depressed and looking for someplace to pin it." I know I get like that, and I've learned that by the time my brain hops to the second or third pending disaster or failure, I need to remind myself that this isn't real, it's the anxiety (depression/drink) talking.

Third, you know, I've found in my life that breaking promises isn't so bad. What matters is the intent behind the promise (did you ever intend to keep it) and what you're doing instead of keeping the promise ("sorry I'm not writing those pony fics, I'm designing a video game/writing a novel/dealing with personal issues/working and sleeping and working again instead.") Everyone understands that sometimes more important or interesting things come up.

Fourth, I could give you advice on the romantic front, and I would be happy to, but if you're not quite there at the moment I recommend checking out Dr. NerdLove. I found him because I love advice columns, but the self-help articles there are some of the best advice for guys I've ever seen. He does sometimes get a little social justicey in his reasoning, but the advice is solid on all kinds of subjects including self-improvement and online dating, so it's a great place to start from the comfort of your own home, whenever you want.

Fifth, keep in touch. PM me whenever, even out of the blue. And I'm pretty sure you have my Skype and email, which are fine too. (If not, I'm happy to give them to you.) I have some OF I'm thinking of self-publishing, so let me know if you'd be interested in being paid to edit or proofread.

Sixth, take care, and hope you don't have a hangover or regrets!

Firstly, I apologize for not being in the chat last night to check up on you. I had gone to bed as soon as I came home from work, but I should've at least checked to see if everything was okay.

Secondly, I'm not sure how alone you feel in the chat, but please, please know that you can always talk to me about your problems. You aren't alone there, so please don't feel the need to hide your emotions.

Thirdly, if you would like someone to help you do things, like writing and other projects, let me know. I'm very persistent in those matters, when need be.

Fourthly, I'm sorry that I can't help you with any sort of romance or relationships. I've had virtually no experience with that, and I've not done enough research on it, so I couldn't speak with any sort of knowledge, wisdom or anything of the sort.

Fifthly, if you read this, get some water. I hear that helps prevent/deal with hangovers.

Sixthly (why does that have a red error line?), if you do read this, don't regret posting it. A friendship-fueled place is a good place to bring up a persisting trouble. Don't forget that there are people who're here to help you get through it.

Seventhly (does it just go up to fifthly?), please take care of yourself. I know a lot of people who suffer from some sort of depression, and more often than not they don't take care of themselves during those times. Please take care of yourself, especially at a time like this.

Eighthly, if you need any money, I can spare a little bit right now. Just let me know.

That's all that i can come up with for the time being. Please get the appropriate help you need, and take care.

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Thanks muchly for reading this inane rambling and responding. I appreciate that a lot, more than I can really say.

Honestly, though I barely touched on it at all amidst all the other thoughts that went straight from brain to fingertips, I am fairly certain my general point here was to address the guilt I have of basically just disappearing from here. And my promises and ambitions that crashed and burned. Just an open admission of it, since this place--and so many people here--did a lot for me. And, both for them (and thus you guys) and myself, I feel bad that I both stopped working here and didn't really pick up the slack on my own time away from here.

The rest, though it sounds bad I admit, is old news and not really all that big of a deal. Those are the sorts of issues that used to weigh very heavily on me, and, while certainly I still care about them, I promise aren't getting me down to an abnormal degree. If anything, they probably shoved their way forward just because I was admitting to guilt, and lord knows we humans can have a hard time doing that, heh.

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Honestly, you should never feel guilty about being absent from here. Maybe an occasional message saying what's the status of your writing/life/whatever would be nice but at the end of the day people write here on their free time and have lives of their own, lives which should take precedence over this place. I'm only a reader and I know it sucks when stories are left to stagnate but I know that's because authors have real life to deal with and I understand. Anyone who doesn't however can *insert profanity* :yay:

I know the fight against depression first hand. That voice telling you that you're a worthless failure is a dirty liar. Hit me up on PM or Discord if you ever want/need to talk.

-Cv

So, fun fact, the way that the notifications are for me, I couldn't even tell that you posted anything. It sucks to hear you're hurting like that man. I share Book's sentiment, if you're ever needing to jaw, don't hesitate to drop me a line on Steam/Skype/whatever. Not sure what, exactly, I can do or say to make things better, but I'm there to listen at the very least.

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