Let's Talk About "The Mare Who Once Lived on the Moon" (Chp 1-3) · 12:37am Apr 26th, 2017
Note: This is my longest follow-up to date, so I'm going to be dividing it into sections with three chapters a day. I'll be doing separate blog posts for each day. So, let's get this party started shall we?
Good golly, it’s been too long since I’ve done one of these. First and foremost, the following will spoil the entire story for you. So, if you haven’t read this story yet, go away and read the story first!
I’ve actually had this story in my to-read list for months and I’ve been tracking it for just as long, waiting for the day when the tale was complete. I’m weird like that. I hate waiting. I also have trust issues when it comes to stories getting done. I can’t stand falling in love with a story just to see it unfinished (one of the reasons I’m actually screwing around with a new ending for Tchernobog’s “A Couple of Ponies.”) So, when I saw this was finally complete, this went straight to the top of “To Read” list.
Why?
Because steampunk ponies! Magic working with technology! Alternate universe! And romance between entire worlds!
I wasn’t ready for just how deep this world got, either. The dialects and tones of the characters sound like they just came out of the Industrial Revolution. But even more fascinating to me was the cultural changes. The concept that Cutie Marks were an intensely private thing and bringing in the idea that ponies actually do wear clothes all the time was a great idea. Seeing the various mechanized pieces of the world come together, down to Equestria essentially becoming Imperial Britain.
However, that’s where it also took a turn for the strange. To see Equestria as a warmongering imperialist nation intend on destroying anyone who stood in their way was… disturbing. Ponies dying in expansionistic aggressive wars. We get a bigger picture of this as things move along and Celestia is slowly revealed over the course of the story. This is definitely not the Celestia we know… and since this isn’t the Celestia we know, this definitely isn’t the Equestria we know.
We’ve got violence, war, firearms and a draconian rule by what appears to be a madpony on the throne.
But that’s not what we’re really here for. We’re here for a complete reimagining of the pilot of MLP:FiM. We’re here to brave new frontiers and push the boundaries of pony fandom!
Okay, fine.
We’re here for a steampunk pony romance between two of the loneliest ponies in all the worlds (yes, plural intentional). We’re really here for that steampunk pony romance. And we get us some serious steampunk pony romance. So let’s get to the steampunk pony romance, shall we?
Steampunk pony romance. ./squee
Funny thing is, I guess I’m doing this even more thoroughly than usual. I usually blast these out in a day or two. But I’ve been taking my time on this. Then again, I’ve also been launching a whole damn game, finishing Bards of the Badlands, writing my entry for Scribblefest 2017, polishing up Habits of the Equestrian Phoenix and all the other things going on.
Now, I’m going to do this a little different this time around. Usually, I just have one massive master document, but this time, I’m going to break it up by chapter to make it more fun (and easier to follow).
So let’s get started and hit the highlight reel!
The Mare Who Lives On The Moon
Lacquered wood. Polished brass. Vented steam.
This. This is what is known as a “Story Hook.” This is also what is known as a really freaking good one.
You would be forgiven for not noticing, however, for all of the books that got in the way.
This was a really great way to set up the tone right at the get-go. I was a little disappointed that this style of narration didn’t stick around. In fact, I believe this may be the only time the reader is addressed. The perspective of the story ends up with a very “hoppy” third-person omniscient and while that does occasionally cause problems and confusion, the story more than makes up for this little issue in so many other ways.
The bookshelves created a lot of dust though. Bad news when you had a little dragon assistant around with sinus problems. The owner’s insurance policy didn't cover 'flamethrower sneezes', or 'pyrotechnic hiccups'.
That is simply a horrid oversight. Seriously, Twi. You should have done a better job getting coverage. You do have some Royal Authority after all. Use it!
Its creator, a purple unicorn covered in scorch marks and sticking plasters, with neat midnight bangs cropped at right angles, sat in a red velvet seat at the Telescope's control hub, staring down its eyepiece.
What really sells this and made this utterly delightful was the “...covered in scorch marks…” I just went ./squee. I don’t even know why. But I simply loved that tiny little bit.
The scorch marks were, at least for now, hidden beneath a set of hardened synthetic-leather overalls she wore with all the decorum of a ballgown, with a white cotton blouse where the overalls ended and she began, for modesty.
My first read-through, I just thought this was interesting. But after coming back around, I see just how much this tells about a character who hasn’t even spoken yet. It is an exquisite image.
“We're getting two millibars of pressure, oh Captain my Captain!”
“What's something nopony else could do without an instrument this precise?"
"Hit the wrong lever and crush themselves?"
"Not helping, Spike."
"Sorry."
He wasn't.”
He shouldn’t be. It was awesome.
(Psst, Twilight, double negative! Somepony’s not getting enough sleep.)
“It's like going into a theater pit with a bright lantern to see the celluloidtography better."
"Oh. Wait, that wouldn't work? Is that why they have it so dark in there? I thought it was just so you couldn't see what they put on the popcorn to make it taste like that. Or what the ponies in the back row were doing."
Okay, so, Spike may be wrong, but she couldn't blame it on a lack of insight.
Nice terminology use to get us even more in the mood, time period and the area… but the real gem was Spike’s last line and Twi’s response. 
“Yay is right!" Twilight giggled excitedly, much in the same way another pony would after staying awake for a few hours too long, being sustained by at least four cups of coffee too many. "Where should we start?”
No matter the universe, Twilight is still Twilight. There are some universal constants, just as there should be.
“Huh. So, no new libraries for you on the moon, then?"
A dangerous gleam appeared in Twilight's eye. One that spoke a simple statement that began with inspiration, and ended with the infamous phrase, ‘or die trying’.
"No, Twilight," her assistant chided after a long moment of contemplative silence. He knew her too well.
"A mare can dream, Spike."
"One mare's dreams is another dragon’s nightmares.”
When I saw that gleam I went “We’re all DOOOMED.”
Dragon’s nightmares, everypony else’s nightmares, whole world’s nightmares… Still, after the end of the story, I think Twilight should get to found one anyway.
A small nudge, just the smallest of gestures. Timid as a mouse, or perhaps even timid as a mouse who had spotted cheese on something which appeared decidedly spring-loaded, Twilight pushed the middle lever up.
Delightful wordplay here.
“Grudges should count for something."
"No. No they really, really shouldn't.”
Still, I can hear this in my head and she sounds so petulant. It’s so cute I could die.
I think if there’s any real issue with this story, is that in later chapters, it loses some of this magnificent wordplay and worldbuilding. The terminology and language of the early chapters are so whimsical and delightful. I got the sense that some parts of the story got rushed and the author didn’t have time to put that layer of polish there, but even still, the magnificence of the world still shines brilliantly.
Anyway, it wouldn’t be steampunk if there wasn’t a little grease and tarnish now, would it?
Oh shut up, I thought it was clever.
The Farmer who Builds
Twilight's doorbell was, naturally, a work of utter genius.
Have I mentioned that I love the tone of this story yet?
You can imagine the expression on Twilight's face, then, when she heard three loud, hammered knocks at the door.
Great setup. Two enormous paragraphs about the utter brilliance of her doorbell… and the comic drop of “BANG BANG BANG.” Wonderful! And I was wrong about the “You will…” narration.
To think, the prior owner had wasted the space with an expansive wine cellar! Twilight couldn't get rid of the nasty stuff fast enough to make room for the boilers and tanks it now held.
This shows her mind so very well.
“Ah, beg'n your pardon?"
Now, that's a voice she didn't recognize. The voice was so... ignorant sounding.
Well, of course they were unencumbered by erudition. They knocked.”
I just about fell over laughing at the sheer disgust I heard in her internal voice. So much of Series Premiere Twilight right here.
Twilight slid back the deadbolt, removed the chain, unhooked the latch, kicked away the chock and unlocked the padlock – something especially tricky if you didn't have magic, or a dragon's nimble hands – all in the space of ten seconds, desperate not to let that dreadful hammering hoof come into contact with her poor door again.
...security much?
One of the apples from the cart itself was plucked and tossed to Twilight, who caught it effortlessly with her magic.
“Woo-wee! Caught a whole apple, there, tossed and all? You must be one heckuva powerful unicorn."
Twilight blushed faintly at the praise, attempting to hide her embarrassment with a crunch of the apple.
My original note for this was “Perhaps this is the reason for the technological advances?” Theory being that with magic, there wouldn’t be such a drive for technical innovation. Why bother with steam, electronics and industry when you have magic?
I have to say, I was sad there wasn’t some deeper meaning behind this, especially since we learn later that the “aether” is chock-full of pure magic. My working theory was Celestia’s corruption had actually changed the sun, causing the natural magic it radiated to stop at the edge of the atmosphere, thereby preventing ponies from having the same plentiful magical resources that we’re used to in the show. I suspect now that this was used as a plot device to further limit the abilities of unicorns, though I have to say… to what end? Pegasi are the only ones who seemed to have kept their natural magic (we don’t see enough about Earth Ponies to say one way or another). I did notice that the Unification did happen very differently (namely that it didn’t), so this isn’t just a straight alternate timeline where the banishment of Luna happened differently.
Still, I felt like there was so much potential in the lack of magic and the lack of magic power of the unicorns of the age that even basic levitation is looked upon with awe. Might be worth exploring significantly if a sequel were to come about... *cough cough*
Applejack: Hint, hint.
Applejack tipped her welder's mask back and blew on the tip of her torch, like a gunfighter who was quicker on the draw than the poor sap who wasn't.
“‘Poor sap?’” Celestia, I love the language on this. I think this was the first time I saw mention of firearms and at first, I simply thought it was a mistake on the author of accidentally slipping in an anachronism. I am so very glad I was wrong about that. This was a tease and a very well-done tease at that.
“I can't help it! If the Mourning Princess had wanted me to get up this high, she'd have given me wings and left me a pegasus. This ain't natural!”
“‘Mourning Princess.’” My original comment was “Misspelling or intentional? If the latter, brilliant.” Indeed, it was intentional and indeed, it was brilliant. It sets her up so perfectly. Using this title was a stroke of brilliance.
My second comment when the term was repeated later in the chapter was “Intentional! Boing Squee!”
A pony choosing to follow passion over money, in this day and age? It warmed the cold cockles of Twilight's frigid heart.
Squee!
Had she really said that? She had nothing in common with a mare so... so blasé, so uneducated, so... pedestrian.
And yet... she did.
DAMN YOU FRIENDSHIP! DAMN YOU AND YOUR INSIDIOUS WAYS!
Inside Twilight's head, a dusty, cobweb-covered filing cabinet creaked open. Inside it she placed an orange file with a single word on it: Applejack.
There were no other files beside it. And for some strange reason, that made Twilight sad.
I love this imagery. I also loved that it was fairly consistent throughout the story (I remember Rainbow and Pinkie’s quite well), though I don’t remember it happening to Fluttershy and I don’t remember it being revised during Rarity’s encounter. I do however, appreciate that it came back during the finale with Celestia when Twilight dumps out her entire mental filing cabinet over the mental floor. I would have loved to see this used more. It’s such a wonderful analogy for Twilight’s mind and I think could have played a major role in recognizing the outside influence at the end of the story.
And as is so common in reimaginings, Twilight begins to make her friends and does it in the same order she met them back in Ponyville once upon a time in a dimension far, far away. Yes, it’s a trope, but just because it’s a trope doesn’t mean it’s bad at all. I see it more as a homage. I’ve done it myself plenty of times. But the important thing is that Twilight and Applejack are both true to their characters we know and expect. They’re consistent, yet different. That’s the real trick with stories like this… to keep the personality generally the same while putting the characters in very different situations (at least externally) and completely different memories and upbringings. Because if you didn’t do that… they would become basically recolored OCs.
Thankfully, this story does not fall into that trap. Twilight remains Twilight. AJ is AJ and the rest are the rest. The only ones who are rather different are Rarity and Fluttershy (Celestia doesn’t count, obviously), but I think that’s because the life they’ve lead is so radically different from the ones we saw in Ponyville. More on that one later.
The characters are magnificent… the greatest balancing act, and nowhere is it done better than with Twilight.
The Mare Who Runs On The Moon
I just want to say, as someone who enjoys chapter titles consistencies, opposite views or essentially being creative in my presentation of the story structure itself, I do love that we go “The Mare Who…” to “Character Focus.” That was quite nice indeed.
“The Mare on the Moon. I want to see her!"
Twilight considered it a moment. Was there really a reason to keep it to herself? Why hadn't she reported it to the Princess yet? The thought of telling the Princess of Mourning about this felt... wrong, for some reason. Very wrong.
Actual note: Dun Dun Dun. And here we get another note in the dark orchestra playing every time Celestia is mentioned. Something is very wrong with the world. The real question is… is it just that this world is different… or something more? (For the longest time, I thought it was the world was different, honestly).
The Mare on the Moon was standing, stock still, looking up into the sky...
Directly at her.
GIANT EYES. Eep.
It was true. The Princess of Mourning was strong enough to spin the world, but even she had stated that it was impossible to send magic out beyond Equestria. A single tear had fallen from behind the black veil that she was never without, not even alone, so Twilight knew the truth of it.
Considering her relationship with the Princess, I find it a little odd that she would take her at her word, but I’m game for it now. What’s bigger to me is the “strong enough to spin the world.” That is a fantastic tiny tidbit of lore. Utterly brilliant. She’s not moving the sun and the moon… she’s moving the world itself.
Wow.
And that bit about the black veil? A somber chord was just struck…
And that ends the first three chapters of "The Mare Who Once Lived on the Moon!" Tune in tomorrow for the next three chapters!
The Mare Who Once Lived on the Moon Follow-Up:
Chapter 1 through 3: The Mare Who Lives On The Moon, The Farmer who Builds, The Mare Who Runs On The Moon
Chapter 4 through 6: The Madmare Who Invents, The Mare Who Writes On The Moon, The Explorer who Dreams
Chapter 7 through 9: The Mare Who Would Gift Twilight The Moon, The Socialite who Schemes, The Mare Who Would Escape The Moon
Chapter 10 through 12: The Guardian Who Loves, The Mare Who Would Love The Moon, The Science of Magic
Chapter 13 and 14: To Love the Moon, To Love the Moonshine & The Student who Defies
Chapter 15 and 16: The Mare Who Once Lived on the Moon & The Stars Will Aid in her Escape
So glad you're tackling this fic, it was a delight to work on and the author should be properly excited too. The formatting on your last mention got a bit wonky though.
I didn't really have a way to go with this, other than it made most unicorns not-particularly-special, except that it gave them a little more finesse with tool-use.
As to;
Alright. Author headcanon time that didn't really get shown;
The reason behind the story is that, in this setting, there's the same net amount of magic. It just behaves similarly to electromagnetism, which is why everything outside of the magnetosphere is so full of it.
The original, from-the-beginning concept of this was that all magic was weaker. All of it, including the original Elements of Harmony - more details on that going in the rewrite. As a result, while in the original series the elements were strong enough to banish the Nightmare, and Luna, for a thousand years... in this universe, the Elements themselves were weaker.
The Nightmare, too, being a magical creature, was also weaker and more insidious. Instead of making someone into a cackling anime villain, it was more... well, the creature it ended up being.
There was a lot of deeper meaning to that apple catch. It was just hard to make that consistently overt.
Aye, The Mare Who Once Lived on The Moon, is a wonderful tale. T'was a pleasure to read.
Definitely ditto!
I'd like to know your thoughts on this.
Dang, I'd better double-time my read on this and finish before you catch up with your "Let's Talk"s.
Oh yeah, TMWOLOTM is definitely one of my all-time favourites.
4510050 Oh yeah. I've had this in the works forever. Finally getting this thing out, but I wanted to give it the treatment it deserved.
As to the "mention..." which formatting is that? I'm sorry, I can't find it!Nevermind. Tired Novel is Tired. Fixed!4510054
I love that concept of just magic being weaker in general. It solidifies the "alternate reality" vs. "alternate timeline" thing I stumbled across with the description of the Unification (or lack thereof). More than anything though, this just inspires all sorts of crazy ideas. It's the sort of thing Sanderson would do by playing with a basic concept (such as allomancy and the use of metals) and tweaking it just a bit. I don't think I've seen another author take a "natural constant" of the fundamental nature of the universe and play with it in a FanFic (Or I simply haven't come across it yet or seen it pulled of to this level).
I'm pretty sure this was part of the inspiration for And a Sky Full of Stars, even if it was only opening the door on true Alternate Universes that fiddle with those fundamentals. There's just so much potential!
(In addition, I do hope you enjoy the ride through your epic adventure through another's eyes. Hopefully I do it justice.
)
4510083
...but it's not done. And it hasn't been updated since 2012! I can't handle having my emotions toyed with like that!
4510086 Chop Chop!
4510398 It's not complete and it won't ever be, I can guarantee you that. Just wanted to see your thoughts on it.
Though, you really don't have to if you don't want to. I know your preference for already-completed stories.
I just finished TMWOLOTM and River Road directed me to your followups, which I shall now consume greedily. Because I love good followups and it really was an amazing story. ^^