Let's Talk About "The Mare Who Once Lived on the Moon" (Chp 10-12) · 3:15am Apr 29th, 2017
Part Four of my follow-up for "The Mare Who Once Lived on the Moon!" This part covers the chapters The Guardian Who Loves, The Mare Who Would Love The Moon, The Science of Magic. If you want to start at Part One, you can find it right here!
The Guardian Who Loves
Fact: She had determined it was her destiny to rescue the mare she was madly crushing on from the moon, when until this year nopony could even get a clear look at the darn thing, let alone pop over for a visit and take back a princess-sized souvenir.
Fact: Nopony had worked out how to pop over to the moon for a visit and take back a princess-sized souvenir before now.
Direct quote from my first-read notes: “I love this story.”
Fact: Some pegasus, Sergeant Sentry, had apparently flown into the laser earlier in the week while Twilight was dictating poetry – heavily edited by Rarity of course – and the surviving pegasus guards were still rather grumpy about that.
...really? I’m not a fan of Flash either, but come on. That was just mean.
And now I want to know where Sunny is.
...I think.
She wasn't used to descending so excitedly blind.
So she’s used to being boringly blind?
A vessel fired from a sufficiently large cannon would have the required velocity to breach gravity's surly bonds.[1]
Only Twilight could think with footnotes.
Footnotes! She needed more nested footnotes in her own thoughts, she decided.
See above. Also, seems legit.
Method: First, ask Pinkie Pie. Second, do what Pinkie says.
Ya ain’t gonna understand her, but she’s usually right, so just doin’ what she tells ya seems like a good call.
“Oh." The foal mumbled. Was it a filly or a colt? Hard to tell. Masculine scratchy voice indicated a foal hitting puberty, hard, but the slender form seemed to indicate filly. "Uh, so, if I put this down, can I go now?”
I so heard that in Scoot’s voice.
“If you're going to be baking a cake, you're going to need eggs too. I don't think you can lay them yourself... unless you're a chicken?"
You really had to go there, didn’t you?
Something about the filly reminded her of Rainbow Dash. Fortunately, the course of the last few weeks had given her a firm base of understanding of how Dash's mind worked. Enough that Twilight was fluent in a form of Dashlexia, if one will.
Gee. I wonder why she reminds her of Rainbow.
...Dashlexia. Really.
Then again, what kid[2] didn't love the stuff?'
[2] and Pinkie Pies of all ages, of course.
Please keep doing this. Please?
Twilight headed back to bed, finding the right paths and ladders in an absentminded daze. She couldn't for the life of her remember why she'd come down here in the first place...
Seriously Twi? You aren’t supposed to have ADHD. At least, not that bad.
It was Twilight herself who finished the countdown with the word that came to her with the irrefutable concrete of dream-logic; “Ignition”.
Everything exploded around her, and it was wonderful.
This whole scene was gorgeous.
“But that's when you started talking about chocolate filly-colts and Spike insisted on dragging you back to bed.”
I’ll have you know my best ideas come about four minutes and thirty-five seconds after when I start doing that. Sadly, six minutes and thirteen seconds later, I tend to go totally loco.
...Volcannon...
“Prototypes aren't meant to be safe. If your prototype is safe, it's because it doesn't work.”
...um, objection? Can I object? No? Okay. I’ll just… sit down quietly. Over there… behind the blast doors with the blast shields and with a blast helmet on.
“Tonight, Twilight had a date with a young androgynous foal.
That... that sounded a lot more creepy than she intended.”
...yes. Yes it did. (P.S. You forgot the period after intended.)
Rainbow had the memory of an elephant (what ho!)...
I can’t decide if I should facehoof because of the “what ho!” in parenthesis or because I laughed at it. Probably both.
“There are twelve cards left in the deck and your hoof, two kings, a queen, three sixes, a seven, an eight, two nines, and an ace. I know what I got in my hand, and I'm pretty sure you got the king and the nine 'cause of your guesses. So I mean, it's just basic maths, right?"
Twilight stared at Rainbow unblinkingly. Rainbow just stared intently at her own hoof with a tongue stuck out in thought.
Oki doki loki.
Twilight barely managed to suppress the urge to whack her hoof against her face.
Give in! Give in!
Twilight failed to suppress the urge to whack her hoof against her face.
Yay! She gave in! This makes me happy for reasons I don’t understand.
“Dash," Scootaloo whispered with an awe that Rainbow remained entirely oblivious to, in spite of it being as obvious as the nose on her face.
./happy-sigh All is right and proper in the universe.
Rainbow declared, clearly pronouncing each and every exclamation mark.
As is right and proper. This simply must be done.
“What?" she repeated, helplessly. "What'd I say?"
Twilight didn't know how to answer that.
"Are you the most brilliant idiot I've ever met, or the most idiotic genius?" she thought instead, being very careful not to say it out loud.
Yes.
The tenement was... nice.
It was nice.
In case you’re wondering who we’re about to meet…
“Oh! Oh, if you're here then... oh!" Then she turned tail and ran, taking the chocolate with her.
Well, I’m as confused as Twilight here.
“He thinks it makes him look like a ponce." Viola nodded sadly, the tone of the notes changing to something sad and sombre.
Erk. Hack. Grargh. Grit teeth.
Take a breath, Twi.
Okay, break here. You did a bang-up job on this entire introduction to the orphanage. I just don’t have a lot to say because I was so lost in the moment. The counterpoint of Meadowgrass’s actions versus what happens to her is… powerful. What we see about the industrial accidents and the kids getting totally screwed in them. Just… the whole cast is pretty damn amazing.
His hair, too, was slicked and tugged and pulled into a style that stole heavily from a decade that hadn't happened yet.
Brilliant.
“They're all very grateful," a very gentle voice announced. "It can be very hard for them to trust ponies. It's always nice to have that trust returned."
My first read through, I remember not being sure if this would be Flutters or not. But the moment I read this, I knew.
The filly practically exploded with delight when Twilight curtsied most properly.
You know… this hurts a hell of a lot more on the second read-through.
“...Let the foals have their cake."
Rainbow glared at Twilight around a mouthful of cake. "Hey!" she protested, spraying crumbs.
Twilight did not correct herself.
Wow… the first confrontation of Fluttershy and Twilight. I never expected them to have such an aggressive reaction to each other. Don’t get me wrong, I know Flutters has a core of titanium underneath, but she’s shooting down Twilight’s assumptions with the efficiency of a firing squad.
And once again… everything Twilight knows to be true is shattered.
“...an excellent seamstress who's currently between careers at the moment."
"Was she the one who—"
"Yes, she is the one who set fire to the court."
"Oh." Fluttershy allowed herself a weak smile a moment. "Good. I would very much like to meet her.”
Heh. Heheheheh. Heh.
Plus: FRIENDSHIP.
It made far too much sense.
Suddenly she felt very ill.
"Sorry," she said weakly. The glare of Matron wavered a little.
I teared up at the end of this scene. Especially the bit about Bright Spark. You did an excellent job of obliterating Twilight’s beliefs. And they were destroyed for her own benefit by the hard reality of an industrialized society.
Now Fluttershy was the loving protector, the watchful guardian, and she would guide this child safely into dreams.
If only…
Fluttershy hugged Twilight as she let out one long, low whimpering whine, childish and beastial.
Good job. Made me tear up as well and I’ve read this before dammit. Jerk.
If it were the other kind of rye, Twilight would surely ferment it into a strong whiskey, just so she might offer the mare a drink. Somehow, she knew the fallen angel would turn it down anyway. Twilight could not say she would as well.
My only note was “Swallow.”
Well, this was certainly a painful chapter. Only a gifted storyteller can craft such scenes with love and care, making them achingly painful yet achly beautiful at the same time. As someone with two kids, anything about children hits me like a freight train. This did too, but not for the same reasons.
Because I know intellectually, that this was the scene in far too many places during the Industrial Revolution. You did your homework well. Almost too well.
Yes, I know we have the shock of Shining Armor pointing a gun at Twilight at the end, but honestly, after what we just went through with Meadowgrass, it has almost has no impact until I think about it after the fact.
I wish I had more to say. This chapter deserves more to say. But I don’t. Puts me through an emotional wringer. I choked up many times. Cried a couple times. Swallowed hard. And watched as Twilight had the world revealed to her.
The bitterness she shows toward Celestia later feels so much stronger after these scenes. After we’ve seen what’s become of Equestria. Of what could have been… what should have been…
And what was instead.
Yet, there’s always hope for a brighter future. And even if we have to fight for it… it’s worth it.
Maybe these lessons weren’t left back in the Industrial Revolution. Or maybe… better yet. Maybe they shouldn’t be. Because as much as we may want to believe otherwise, there are still places in the world where this sort of thing is all-too-real.
But that’s another topic.
As a storyteller, the biggest moments for me are when I’ve made the reader feel something. Not just give them “feels,” but something deeper. When they react on an emotional level. That’s… that’s when I know I’ve done my job right.
You did yours right. Very right indeed.
The Mare Who Would Love The Moon
Situation:
I've got a gun aimed at my face.
Let’s just start with Twilight’s analysis of the opening scene. While your formatting and visual presentation of her thought processes may be somewhat inconsistent over the course of the entire novel (and there’s a few inconsistencies in this section by itself), the content of these analyses are perfection.
I can easily imagine all of this going through Twilight’s head in the space of “seventy milliseconds.” And her calculating her odds “quadratically.”
And it still freaks me out that Celestia has her entire family at gunpoint.
Also… since when is Rainbow the one thinking on her hooves?
You know what? Actually, that makes sense. Rainbow is impulsive as hell, while Twilight would get stuck in an analytical loop. So congrats on using character over logic.
“Next question, Ms Dash, what was an explorer doing in my sister's plumbing?"
That's Luna's job!
No! Bad thoughts! Get back to tactical assessment.
Now that’s blowing off tension. And steam.
...and a few other things.
Shining never was one to back down from a dare. Even the one time it caused him to turn up to the war room covered in custard—blame Cadance for that one.
Oh my…
I also just realized you slipped into present tense during the opening scene of this chapter. Intentional?
Dictated but not read
The Offices of Prof. Spark”
Oooh. Now that’s a nice touch. Not a lot of people are going to get what that even means. (I may be assuming too much there). But either way, it’s awesome. Just pile on the facts that reveal the guy needs to get punted off Canterlot Mountain.
“Well, tell her I want to be an aunt sometime, okay? I want a little foal I can spoil stupid with books.”
Her brother coughed on his tea a little, punching a foreleg to his chest repeatedly, choking and wheezing far longer than the tea would have caused. He was also blushing furiously. "Twilight!”
Blowing off a bit more tension here. And spitting up tea too! It’s a two-fer!
Also, very well played. 
“It's the word 'moist' isn't it?" Twilight agreed straight-faced, watching her brother carefully.
It is. It definitely is. By the way? Every little thing that Rainbow says next horrific. Terrible. Tragic. You’re definitely evil. Evil. So very, very evil.
“Well, what does Cadance call it? She doesn't seem the sort to be shy about it."
"I don't want to say."
Twilight took a swing. "Is it snuggle times?"
"..."
And it's good! "Oh my goodness, it is, she really calls it that."
"...!" Shining stated eloquently behind the sound of him choking on his own tongue.
...evil.
Whoever said pure math had no practical applications was a fool and a part of a depressing majority!
Go Twi! Sci! SciTwi! Wait… wrong Twi. Ah well, still works.
By the way? Math hurts. Though I suspect you took the time to verify these calculations. I’ll take your word for it.
That Twilight would make it to the moon and save her Princess was not an impossibility. It was an inevitability.
I just really like this line from the “Her Princess” to “It was an inevitability.” It’s just a really good line.
Now here she was, left alone with her thoughts, and the prospect that maybe Pinkie Pie—
— yep, definitely needed more sugar —
—that Pinkie Pie had seen the writing on the wall that Twilight had missed. That maybe Twilight didn't respect Pinkie Pie for more than her brilliance, and what she could do for her. As a means to an end.
Ooh. This is painful to watch. More because I’ve had these downward logical spirals. They don’t end well. For anyone.
“Silly pony. Has she forgiven us?"
Celestia... forgiven her?
But that didn't make any sense.
Celestia banished Luna, why would Luna feel...
Another one of those retrospective moments that I should have seen coming. It’s so obvious that this mare is not Nightmare Moon. At all. I should have seen it coming. I didn’t. Hindsight and all that.
“Magic is strange. Fate especially is a force to be reckoned with. I consider our meeting fated, certainly." Luna stopped to consider this. She found a large, blank portion of moon surface to work with and wrote in it the word MAGIC. Around it she drew a five pointed star. Each point had its own word attached to it.
INSPIRATION
DEDICATION
IMAGINATION
VALOUR
CHARITY
1. Bonus points for the ‘u’ in Valour.
2. I love the five star bit.
3. These traits… interesting. At first, I though Charity would be Kindness, then I remembered Celestia associates it with Generosity during her announcement after Twi’s ascension. Now, assuming these to be in order of how Twi met this version of the Mane 6 (Mare/Moon 6? Moon 6?), it would be AJ, Rainbow, Pinkie, Rarity and Flutters. Which would mean that Charity actually is Kindness in this. Some of these translate one to one… some don’t.
I’m overthinking this aren’t I?
Thought so.
./puts-away-Twi-Charts
Let’s move on, shall we?
“...I wish that we could meet so I might know your body as well as your mind."
There was a long pause as Twilight soaked that in. Then a very panicked Luna erased 'know your body', drawing a long line out from those words and into more blank space so that she might write instead "Appearance? Forgive my unintentional euphemism.”
I’m not sure Luna’s allowed to be that adorable. Woona is. But Luna? Hmmm… I feel like this is breaking a rule…
(Actual comment: SO CUTE)
“To love the moon
Is not easy
To talk to her
Is harder still.
To reach the moon
Impossible
But all these things
I surely will."
By the way, Rarity? Thank you for saving Twilight’s poetry. Because that was gorgeous.
Maybe that was how she was destined to help Luna. She would aid in her escape by destroying her gaoler.
...oh… oh my. I honestly don’t know how to react. Totally stunned by this.
Pinkie Pie didn't know what a patent office was, but Rainbow Dash seemed to know what she was doing, so that was okay.
You did an excellent job of nailing Pinkie’s voice in this entire scene.
She’d apparently taken some crayons out of her bowler hat and started to doodle more sketches, using the back of an illustration demonstrating the workings of an oscillating kilogram thingamajig that apparently shook buildings.
She’s freaking Leonard of Quirm
“You're lucky Applebloom likes that sister of yours, else I might not have trusted you past the property line. Still ain't lettin' you anywhere near my brother."
Rarity smiled wickedly. "I taught Sweetie Belle to share her toys.”
I’ve mentioned I love the whole endless chase thing right? Need to mention it again. I love the whole endless chase thing.
A white gloved hoof pumped triumphantly. Rarity smiled a smile that grew fangs, and those fangs passed the bar exam and acquired expensive suits to become something far worse.
...eep.
“My other friend, Twilight Sparkle, has been really, really super nice to me for ages now, and I really want to pay her back.” Pinkie smiled, even as her right front foreleg vibrated anxiously. She wasn’t used to being out in public for this long. “I have a lot of neat friends.”
“Wasn’t used to be out in public?” Oh jeez, just twist the knife even more why don’t you…
“Frabjuous!” Rainbow decreed, pottering around Golden's desk, much to her dismay.
I’m stealing this word. Just sayin’.
Golden remained silent. Then, after a deep, wondrous sigh, “I am employed solely to be plausible deniability, aren't I?”
“Almost definitely.”
“My mind has been expanded.”
“Fantastic.” This was said with the utmost earnestness.
Well, that’s… something. Ouch? Maybe?
“Sol invictus?" she intoned solemnly to no one in particular, a threatening determination as she pulled another gear ka-chunking into place, "Sic Semper Tyrannis.”
...oh 
Had she nearly made a terrible mistake?
By doing it… or not doing it?
Applejack threatened to lasso Rarity and truss her up good. Rarity threatened to like it.
Do it. Please?
Oh shut up. A pony can dream.
“Our sisters are weird,” Sweetie said.
One of the best lines in this book. Right here.
The fillies armed themselves with the bushel in the treehouse, weaponized in the name of friendship and learning.
Well, considering how often every Twilight in the multiverse has weaponized both… I’m sure she’d approve. I have no idea if that’s a good thing or not.
Hmm… and I finally just realized you’ve giving us time with most characters inside their own heads.
And reading this a second time, I see much better what was going on with Golden. I was honestly rather lost during the beginning of this. I knew there was subtext, but since it was from Rainbow’s perspective and she wasn’t getting it, I wasn’t getting it either.
“Until then, these patents infringe upon mine. And until my assistant is returned to my custody, voluntarily, you will never see a cent of profit from her work, you thieving, opportunistic bitch.”
Fire him out of the cannon and then shoot him with the telescope. Because the laser hit the wrong pony.
“Turns out you can’t always understand something just by watching it hard enough, even if it seems like you should.”
Twilight didn’t say anything to that for a long moment, swallowing nothing in a suddenly too-dry throat. “Wise words.”
No kidding.
“That’s cheating!” Scootaloo protested. “You can’t just put the same two letters next to each other and have them make completely different sounds!”
*Mutter* Welcome to English, kid.
Or Equestrian? Oh, I don’t know!
See? WORDS ARE HARD!
As Twilight wrote them, Scootaloo looked practically apoplectic, and just seeing that word might have given her a conniption.
Priceless. Simply priceless.
It was, too, then that Spark’s face showed such a crushing mix of conflicting and complementary negative emotions, that to list them would be a disservice to the sum of their whole.
Rekted.
“...You’re condemning these foals to a life of poverty as much as any bastard factory worker.”
Fluttershy stood still, like a statue, expression glazed, mouth hanging very slightly open as if to make a retort.
And that’s when Twilight felt the right hook connect.
...well, that just happened.
“Wait, what incident?”
Sweetie sighed, and just double tapped her hoof on the page again. “Long story. It involves potted plants and a hot air balloon, and then the dragon got an axe I think but then he got grounded, and I was real high up or something? Why’d we even do that?”
“Don’t wanna talk about it.”
Scootaloo still had no real idea who these ponies were, but she absolutely needed to be best friends with them forever.
And so it was that the world’s days would forever be numbered from this moment. For upon this very spot, the seeds of destruction were planted. The harvest would come soon… to the ruin of all....
Because those fillies be trouble.
“Hey,” Twilight poked her in the side, smiling, “can we be friends? You seem really nice.”
“Oh, wow. Uh, I hit you a bit harder than I thought, didn’t I?”
Yes, you did. And yes, it was awesome. Seriously, didn’t see this coming from a mile away. A physical brawl between Twilight and Fluttershy? Never saw that coming. But Twilight literally punch-drunk after? Awesome.
Twilight smiled, finally falling back onto the floor herself, head beside Fluttershy but facing the other way. “I wanna turn a volcano into a cannon.”
Fluttershy blinked, turning her head – slowly, slowly! – to look at the dazed and crazed unicorn beside her. “Really? I didn’t think I punched you that hard.”
...that’s the problem, Flutters. You didn’t.
“You truly are a remarkable lady, aren’t you, Ms Sparkle?”
“The remarkable Ms Sparklable!” Twilight smiled, then fell asleep happily. Fortunately rumours that falling asleep with a concussion is dangerous is purely myth.”
And so we finally get an (almost) full-cast chapter. Sadly, Rarity didn’t get a perspective scene, but frankly, with dialogue like hers, she doesn’t need it! She’s so freaking epic. I love her. Just adore her.
Oh yeah, and the world-ending combination of the CMC. Ayep. Everypony’s doomed. Oh boy.
Still, this chapter had a lot of ups and downs. Twilight almost gets shot by her brother. Twilight seriously considers the premeditated murder of Celestia because she’s lonely. Fluttershy throws the first punch in a brawl at Twilight! Bright Spark finally gets what was coming to him.
...that last part is a lie. He still deserves to be fired out of the volcannon and then shot with the death ray laser on the way back down.
And the lasso comment. Pure gold. Platinum even!
One of those chapters you need to walk away from and just take a few breaths. Massive character development across the board, from the CMC to the Mane 6.
Ya dun good. Ya dun real good.
The Science of Magic
Well, congratulations. This is officially my longest follow-up of all time. Actually, it’s way past that. And it’s actually gone into review territory. That’s new for me. But it’s worth it. It’s been great to re-live this story a second time, enjoying all the little eccentricities, all the little wonders and all the little magic.
And catching all the stuff I missed the first time.
“That's what I thought. Stars above, Twily, if you're going to do something like that, you gotta promise me, absolutely promise me,” and now he was closer, so close that all Twilight could see were those cold and serious eyes, “that you won't miss. No regrets, no second chances. You'd get one shot and that's it. So don't miss.”
Wow. Just… wow. Celestia truly is a monster if they are both willing to take this act. But considering what she’s threatening them with… it’s still understandable.
Shining whispered as his sister continued to press herself into his chest, stroking her hair idly with a hoof idly. She was still his baby sister, even now. Maybe even especially now.
Good phrasing. Very potent.
“My friends will help me.”
“In no particular order,” he held out a hoof and tapped it on the table with each ‘name’, “the arsonist, the madpony, the one who gave you a concussion, the broke farmgirl, and Rainbow Dash.”
The last one surprised her. “Not going to summarize her flaw?”
“I said her name, didn’t I?”
Well, point taken. “Yes.”
Sounds awesome to me! (Seriously, this is great. Freakin’ great. I burst out laughing at the last bit)
...and, finally, her favourite.
Rainbow’s was blue with a swirly rainbow lid. She’d been the most fun to paint, and it was her absolute favourite one. She put her best candy in it.
And almost everything she poked these days was real too, and she’d stopped tasting the metal colours quite so often, like she only did when she got really bad.
This is both incredibly wonderful… and incredibly sad.
...she’d lose some time for a bit, and when she woke up her throat was sore and Rainbow looked really worried about her and she never knew what happened, and Rainbow just said she went away for a bit but she was back now.
...worrisome.
I should like to point out that I never did really understand what happened when Pinkie “got really bad” during her blackouts (or whatever they were). I assume they’re some sort of psychotic episode, but never was sure. I also can’t decide if this is okay or not. Sometimes leaving plot threads hanging is a good idea. Sometimes not.
So we’ll just go with it for now. 
Applejack put a hoof to her chest in mock offense. Rarity had been a terrible influence on her.
Eeyup.
“Sides, reckon you’re just jealous because if we stuck one on you, it’d stay stuck. Or maybe it’d bounce off, can’t quite tell.”
It’s even odds, I’d say.
“I like... I like math,” he admitted with a growl. “Wanna be an architect. That okay with you, Miss?”
Oh snap.
Brass eyed the paper suspiciously but snatched it regardless. The rest of the group quietly watched him descend the stairs to... Well, best not think about it.
"AND HE WAS NEVER HEARD FROM... EVER... AGAIN!"
“It’s not the other kids under Matron that I’m worried about.”
Ah.
This whole scene confused me a little. I remember having to read it a couple times to get what was going on. I eventually just had to move on, though what happened at the end…
“Why?” Flatcap asked with a curious but happy smile. “I really liked it, Miss, really, but you need a horn light for safety and I couldn’t anymore.”
Some things clicked, distressingly. Applejack smiled on the outside to hide the hideous cringing going on behind her eyes. “Well, your hat’s gorgeous, kid.” And it fit horribly tight to his head. He was as much an earth pony as Scootaloo was a pegasus, huh?
Ouch. Too much real Industrial Revolution here.
Brass’s face was covered in dark letters, a ribbon of sentences that glowed around the edges. And it extended all the way down and around his neck, each line a perfectly legible phrase: “I will not speak blasphemy.”
As was right and proper!
...actually, he got off too easy. Way too easy.
“Well, you wanna get that out of the way before we start, then? We’ve got a little bit of time while some details are sorted.”
“Can’t, Miss.”
“Why, won’t Miss Twilight let you?”
“No, uh... I already tried, but... the spell can’t read my hoofwriting.”
And AJ lost it again.
And the crowd goes wild. Oh God, that’s the best punchline in this whole book.
“Tonight we will be closer
Though yet so far apart
So far you might not notice
Together in my heart”
Luna was still for a moment, as if in thought. Her response was short enough that she could reply back in morse rather than writing: “That was twee”
And once more my vocabulary is expanded!
...for the record, I thought it was cute.
“The distance between us is two in dimension
Distance and time dimensions each
We must travel through both if ever to reach
I have patience enough, and you the intention.”
...though yeah, that was a lot better.
“And a cone, like a metal party hat, stood looming beside them, big enough to uncomfortably fit a pony with all the scientific instruments that had been wedged into it.”
I felt like this chapter was rushed (which it may have been due to the chapter note at the beginning, which still confuses me since we’ve got a ways until the ending). In previous chapters, we’ve had a lot of build up (literally) to the creation of various devices. I felt like there should have been at least a couple construction scenes here to keep consistent pacing through the book. I got to this point and felt very, very confused for a bit. It’s only on the second readthrough that I really get what was going on beforehand.
Then again, that might be because I’m so invested at this point, I’m just desperate to find out what happens next, so I might be skimming too much.
“We don’t have enough hydrogen, we don’t have enough room, and it’s too late to change it now. You can fly up with me until you can’t, though.”
Hydrogen? Why is she mentioning hydrogen? Is that propellant or what’s being used in the balloons? (For a while, I thought this was actually going to be fired from a cannon, since that was the focus of so much of the beginning of the chapter and the previous chapters. The balloons didn’t really register for me for some reason.)
If it was air, it would have been oxygen, and I simply don’t see you making that mistake, so I’m going to go with it being for the balloons.
Pinkie’s eyes widened with disappointment, like a puppy’s. “Aww... but I wanted to see how high you’d bounce.”
Actually, that did sound fun. Her parents had never let her jump on her bed, and this seemed like the most logical extreme of harmless childhood fun, should she survive it.
Why do you need to worry about survivability? You’re totally ruining the mood. 
“There’s also pure oxygen, just in case. It’s the shiny metal tube that’s welded to the chair, not the red one, just so you don’t, uh, try to breathe out of the fire extinguisher. That’d be... that’d be a problem. Heh.”
Twilight looked at Dash and Pinkie utterly stone-faced, a rigid look of apathy bordering on disbelief. “I was so confident about this a few moments ago.”
Eh, you’ll be just fine. Just don’t make a mistake or you’ll die! That’s simple!
“Aww... Can’t Spike do it?”
“Only if he gets to lick the beaters instead.” Both of her friends stepped out and away from the launch pad.
“Dangit, fine.”
And that was the last thing Twilight heard before the capsule door closed, sealed.
Is this how Celestia saw everything all the time, with the distance granted to her by time instead of height?
It was a chilling thought, but far too believable.
Wow, it’s only on the second readthrough do I realize just how much you set up Celestia as a monster.
Heh.
She might not have a poet, but she had plenty of rime.
Why was nopony around to hear that? That was brilliant.
...I was actually worried she was somehow got laughing gas mixed up with her breathing apparatus here.
I can’t pick a single quote for her description of the world at the edge of space, but the whole thing was magnificent. You really captured the glory here. I got the sense of a real astronaut here. Touching the stars and staring into the true night, without the filter of the atmosphere.
“Twilight felt out into the void with her magic and—
“Woah!”
She rocked back into her chair, pressing into it, huffing heavily. She felt like she’d tried to fellate a live wire.”
...now that’s a phrase. How would she even know what this felt like—
You know what? Nevermind. Forget I asked.
Alright. She reached out with her magic and spun the fan a—
She was falling.
Oh hell.
Pressed the mask to her lips, turned the knob, deep breath.
Gasp.
Everything snaps back.
So, did you intentionally move into present tense here?
Remember to DIE.
Determine, Infer, Execute.
...seriously?
Now came the hardest letter.
Execute.
Twilight struggled with the strap.
And now we’re back in past tense. (Though I should note I only realized this particular one on my second readthrough).
For the record, for the rest of the scene, I didn’t write a single comment. That usually only happens when I’m so wrapped up in the story that I totally forget. (It’s a good thing!)
“And I talked to that gallant brother of Ms Moony-Eyed – let me tell you, if he hadn’t been my first client, I’d have sabotaged that entire soiree, stolen him for myself and then coasted on my reputation until I could build it back up again, sweetie, truly, he’s such a wonderfully delicious specimen – about contributing rations to the military.”
...I love how over the top Rarity is. It’s so crazy, you can feel her screaming her lungs out for joy at being free from the mask she was forced to wear. Yet it’s still Rarity.
“I sold a pattern once, you know,” Rarity said, miserably.
That snapped Applejack out of her reverie. She finally looked at Rarity, and saw a pony who was far older in life than she was in years, now. “What, to another fashion pony?”
Wow… never thought we’d see that from Rarity. Nice for her to finally put all of her shields down. Even the flirty ones.
Applejack had come to learn Rarity cared as much about her fashion and she did her farm. She didn’t get it, but she respected it. Sometimes she forgot, but when Rarity said stuff like that, she couldn’t help but be reminded.
Finally, they have an actual connection. Now, to tell Tchernobog so he can throw a fit about it a good RariJack ship. (Sidenote: I did. Still didn't work.)
“Were it only those three— The production had sold out. I had outdone myself.” She spat that last bit out with a venom that seemed completely at odds with the statement.
Ahh… the Princess Dress. Ayep. That’ll do it.
A pleasant little shudder rocked through Rarity’s body. “What is it with you ladies having delicious older brothers I’m not allowed? Apples always were depicted as the forbidden fruit...”
Applejack whacked Rarity over the back of her stupid unicorn skull with her hat.
./full-blown-cackle
Rarity raised her voice, and higher again so she didn’t have to look at him. “You want one, Macintosh?”
“Eeeyup!”
Rarity shuddered again. Applejack whacked her again.
./even-more-cackles
“But she’ll get better right? She’s my best friend! She has to be okay!”
A flash of hurt passed like reflected light behind Dash’s eyes. “I thought I was— No, look, she’ll be fine, we just need to—” She was cut off by a fuzzy pink crash tackle.
“You’re my best friend, too, okay? The bestest of best friends! Please don’t be mad I couldn’t take it right now if you were mad at me right now...”
...okay, you’re not allowed to be that cute when life and death are on the line! Seriously!
“It’ll be okay, Pinkie. You haven’t done anything wrong, okay?”
Pinkie knew she had, but she didn’t want to upset Rainbow by disagreeing with her. “Okay...”
...I’ve never resonated with Pinkie Pie more than this moment. Yeah. I’ve had that “knowledge” myself. It sucks.
“You did well, little one,” she whispered so gently into Pinkie’s ear and she knew, she knew, that everything was going to be okay now. “Help me move her? As many hooves as possible to spread the load.”
Yup. Still Kindness.
“Pinkie, would you please get Rainbow an empty bucket? And lay out one of these mattresses?”
Rainbow seemed grateful so Pinkie just did as she was asked. She adjusted the bed and got the bucket and as soon as she did, Rainbow emptied her stomach into it, blinked twice, and fell over fast asleep, beyond snoring, onto the mattress.
Good pony. She handled it well. This also was a very nice touch and “humanized”...”equinized…” “ponized?” Oh you know what I mean. It made her far more relatable. I’ve done stuff quite similar. Everything gives shoved aside, all emotions, all reactions, all true fear and you get the job done.
Afterward, you pay the price for telling you emotions to buck off while you get it done. It’s hard. But it’s necessary.
And you did a bang up job of it here.
She was curled up next to Rainbow when Pinkie saw the most beautiful sunrise she’d ever, ever seen in her whole life.
The Princess was mocking them, she knew it.
What a mean, cruel, horrible, awful, dreadful... grargh!!!
I’ve mentioned just how good you are at Pinkie right? Because you’re good.
So yeah. The chapter felt a little rushed. I felt this experiment could have been foreshadowed a bit more or at least drawn out a little bit more in the prep stage. Still, it became a pivotal moment for Twilight. I had hoped to find out that Celestia had actually been blocking the “magic of the universe” with her ability to spin the world. Maybe she actually was and it was never explained.
Still, either way, you had brilliant lines in here, wonderful back and forth and simply majesty. It felt like a person seeing the world from on high for the very first time. The scene between Rarity and Applejack wasn’t laced with sexual tension (even if it’s one way). She finally became real for AJ. She knew what it would mean for AJ to actually mechanize things… because she’d gone through it. And that was how AJ could actually accept knowing that Rarity knew what it would be like.
And thinking back, perhaps this is a metaphor for those who fell in our race to reach the stars. Getting there wasn’t an easy job and many lives were lost along the way. Sacrifices have to be made.
Still… to think that they’re doing this for love and friendship. Not for what the final result will be…
The salvation of Equestria.
It’s amazing the kind of things that can happen when we do it for the right reason.
And that's the end of the follow-up for chapters ten through twelve of "The Mare Who Once Lived on the Moon!" Tune in tomorrow for the next three chapters!
The Mare Who Once Lived on the Moon Follow-Up:
Chapter 1 through 3: The Mare Who Lives On The Moon, The Farmer who Builds, The Mare Who Runs On The Moon
Chapter 4 through 6: The Madmare Who Invents, The Mare Who Writes On The Moon, The Explorer who Dreams
Chapter 7 through 9: The Mare Who Would Gift Twilight The Moon, The Socialite who Schemes, The Mare Who Would Escape The Moon
Chapter 10 through 12: The Guardian Who Loves, The Mare Who Would Love The Moon, The Science of Magic
Chapter 13 and 14: To Love the Moon, To Love the Moonshine & The Student who Defies
Chapter 15 and 16: The Mare Who Once Lived on the Moon & The Stars Will Aid in her Escape
yee
You're in luck, he stole it too.
Jabberwocky
... oh yeah that would have been a good little detail wouldn't it?
it's actually completely jumbled out of order:
INSPIRATION: Pinkie Pie
DEDICATION: Applejack
IMAGINATION: Rarity
VALOUR: Rainbow Dash
CHARITY: Fluttershy
I think these changed at least six times through drafting is the issue... need to go back and look at that...