How To Not Cook Like a Fucktard #5: Low Carb Pizza (WTF??) · 6:57pm Feb 20th, 2017
If you're not already screaming about sacrilege, I would be surprised. But I swear, this isn't basically a crispy cauliflower pizza cracker, and it doesn't taste like ass. Believe it or not, this recipe is very near and dear to my heart, and I'll tell you why:
A while ago, a dear friend to me who has type two diabetes found that her condition was getting a little more difficult. She already had an insulin pump, but she found she would have to completely cut even more things out of her diet, due to carbs. One of these things was pizza, and it was basically her favorite dish. As a fellow pizza lover, I said fuck that, and set out to make sure there was a kind of pizza she could eat. Unfortunately, she didn't like cauliflower, almond flower, or many of the other alternative crusts she'd tried. She was more of a carnivore, so I decided that if I could not find a low carb pizza that she'd like, then I would simply have to make one.
To my actual surprise, I succeeded in making a pizza that had a bready but flexible crust, plenty of cheese, and a flavor that was not that of just grainy vegetables. Plus, SHE LIKED IT, and now she can have pizza again. And moreover, it was inexpensive, easy, and lower carb than many of the alternative pizzas on the market! No added sugar or salt, and HALF the calories of a large pizza from Dominos. The secret was that the base was mostly chicken. That's right, chicken!
Let me lay out some nutrition facts for you before I begin. The way I made the pizza last time (the sauce and toppings were actually kind of high carb) it came out like this:
Full large 14 inch pizza-
Calories: 1400
Carbs: 60g
Carbs from the crust alone: 15g
That's for an entire pizza! It's absurdly more manageable, especially for someone with diabetes, and the majority is from the sauce. Get a low carb sauce, this is a much lower carb pizza. I'm not the best at math, so this number may depend on the size of your ingredients and the type, so be aware. There was one slight downside though, and that's that the pizza is incredibly high in protein. The thing contained basically 120g of protein, which is pretty much double a person't needed daily intake. If you're really into working out, though, and want to pack in the fairly low calorie, low carb, but still bready protein pizza, this does work pretty well.
But enough talk. You want to know how to make this blasphemous bastard, right? Well, we'll go over the crust, but it's up to you for the sauce and toppings you want. Don't worry, I'll talk about alcoholic pizza sauce at another, more carb-filled time:
Low Carb Pizza
Cook Time: 2.5 hours
CRUST INGREDIENTS (14-18 carbs):
2 medium zucchini
2 boneless skinless chicken breasts
1/4 cup olive oil (plus a little extra)
1 large egg
1 tbsp flour (bread flour worked for me)
Garlic powder, onion powder, Italian seasoning mix (oregano, basil, etc), paprika, white or black pepper for seasoning
You will also need:
Pizza Sauce (I made my own, using vodka, tomato paste, tomato soup, Worcestershire sauce, and a dollop of sour cream)
Shredded cheese
Various toppings
DIRECTIONS:
1. Take two chicken breasts, and bake in the oven, on tinfoil, without any spices or marinating. You want this simple and bland as fuck. Cook at 350 degrees until chicken is fully cooked and is beginning to get dry. You don’t want it juicy and moist.
2. Let chicken cool, then put into food processor (or blender?) with 2 cut up zucchini. Add a splash of olive oil for moisture, and blend until it is a smooth paste. It's going to look like vomit, and smell weird, but don't worry, that'll change.
3. Empty paste into bowl, then mix in egg, oil, and spices to taste. I recommend at least a tbsp of Italian seasonings, a tbsp of garlic powder, a tbsp of onion powder, and generous sprinklings of pepper and paprika. Feel free to experiment, good spices are kind of important here.
4. Press paste (it will feel moist) into a greased pizza pan (14 inches is good). Leave a thicker area at the edges for crust. It will feel wet and too thick, that’s okay, don't fuck with it or try to pack it down or anything.
5. Bake at 350 degrees until edges of crust begin to turn just slightly golden. Don't overdo it.
6. Remove, and allow to cool.
7. Add pizza sauce of your choosing (I make mine, and it added about 40 g carbs , so you might want something lower carb!) Make sure you get all the way up to the edge of the crust.
8. Add cheese and other toppings (I used spinach and summer sausage for the photo). Remember that this is where a lot of extra sugar, carbs, calories, and fat comes from, so adjust according to your needs.
9. Put back in oven at 350 degrees, and cook until crust begins to recede at the edges and look flatter. May turn a dark brown around the edges, as pictured.
10. Remove and allow to cool. As it cools, the crust will gain a denser, more bread-like integrity, so don't worry if it seems flakey at first.
11. Slice and serve! It will taste more like chicken than zucchini (I could not taste the zucchini at all), but the mouth feel is actually kind of like a pancake or waffle. You may be able to pick it up and eat it like normal pizza right away, but it will be a little fragile while very hot, so be careful. Once fully cool, it was easy to pick up without falling apart. It is NOT crispy like a cracker, which is kind of the most important thing.
And there you go, a pizza. Instead of being like other people who try to make meat out of other thing, I have spent my time trying to make bread out of meat!
Behold! It acts like bread and tastes damn good! Also mine was alcoholic.
BONUS INFO:
- Type two diabetics like my friend did not become diabetic because they ate too much sugar. Their body either produces too much insulin, or cannot produce it, which means they have to inject it themselves in order to process carbs. Every diabetic is different, so this pizza may not be right for everyone's dietary needs. All I know is that it could let people who can't have a lot of carbs, for whatever reason, still have pizza.
- There are a lot LOT lot of other low carb pizza recipes and alternatives out there. This version matches many of them, and has even fewer carbs than many other places, at 10g carbs per slice or LESS. In fact, this pizza crust kicks the crap out of many Atkins crusts. Take that Atkins, ya dead fuck.
-I make an alcoholic pizza. You may know that already, and I'll teach you to make it pretty soon. Don't worry, it's insanely high in carbs.
-This pizza loses a lot of moisture during cooking, and that means it creates a ton of steam. Don't burn your face when opening the oven, seriously.
-If you want a good workout pizza, this is it. It's basically a low fat chicken and veggie meal with ALL the protein, depending on how you do the toppings. But also, it's pizza, so you can eat it all awesome and stuff and feel like a slob.
-It reheats okay, so don't worry about leftovers. Of course, it's better fresh though, if you want to eat a whole pizza in one sitting. And come on, who doesn't?
-The over all cost to make this pizza was less than $10. For a large pizza, that's a pretty damn good price.
Low carb pizza might not be your cup of tea, but I am glad it exists, and I'm glad it helped out my friend when someone told her "no pizza." It also goes to show, don't ever, EVER tell me that it can't be done, given the right ingredients.
Now get cooking.
-Pencil
Saving this recipe to try for myself. I could do with making my own pizza as the shop ones are getting boring (and alcoholic sauce sounds like a great idea, because who doesn't like booze in food)
Every time I see the titles of these posts I chuckle to myself.
4430145
Well then I am certainly doing something right.
4430151
You monster.
Ohhhh, this looks really yummy. I'll def try it out o:
You're doing miracles for a lot of us by sharing these hard-worked recipes.
If it's not for me, it's for relatives and friends.
P.S.: I've been meaning to ask since that all-purpose dough, what's your opinion on stove-top baking? I've never tried it before, but if you can give some tips or warning, it would help us who doesn't own an oven so we don't have to go again over to the rich neighbor and borrow theirs or wait for vacation and have a baking party at grandma's. xD
4430279
Stove top baking is kind of a bitch when it comes to much of the stuff I do. It takes a lot of experimenting, trial and error, and time, and you're prone to burn the hell out of a lot of things you attempt. I suggest doing a few internet searches about your particular type of stove, see if anyone has tried before you and had any success.
I can only wish you good luck. :/
4430309
Oh, thanks!
I'm not having much of a problem about access to an oven, but doing it at home is a lot more convenient. We just mainly use a propane stove for almost everything. Rice is life
Keep the recipes coming!
That looks pretty good, I'll have to try it sometime.
Wow that's really cool. You made a meat-based pizza crust.
4430740
I am nothing if not good with meat.
4430756
i2.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/517/324/10a.gif
This looks great, I can't wait to see what alternative flours (quinoa, etc.) will work with it. As a celiac who loves pizza, I despise having to shell out for those gluten-free pizzas, this looks to be a great alternative especially since I'm working out now.
What other meats can it be made with? Does it absolutely need chicken as the base or can other meats like ground beef, lamb, or pork be used?
4435352
I dunno, but I suspect chicken works best, just because of the texture.