[whiny blog] · 3:59am Aug 30th, 2016
It is so, so hard for me not to walk across my room and grab my hidden blade right now. I want it. So I'm just delaying it, even though it's probably inevitable. Maybe if I work on this pointless blog for long enough, I'll be too tired to get out of bed.
I finished a story, finally. It just needs to be edited and polished up, which, knowing me, is going to take a while because I despise going back over my own writing. Luckily, I have a proofreader to help me out, but he can only help me so much.
I think my writing skill has deteriorated in the past year. The only fanfiction I've written was an 11-page crossover story for English class. It's a bizarre mix of The Odyssey, Of Mice and Men, and some other book. I can't be bothered to go check what the third book was. Oh, and I also wrote a tonne of Percy Jackson shitfics where I shipped my friend with Octavian, her least favourite character. That was fun. There's something brilliantly amusing of being the cause of such annoyance and irritation that it causes a person to tear it up while glaring at you, promising your death.
My ear is bothering me. I pierced it a month back, with a sewing needle (BAD idea, please do not do this), and then went to the beach last week. The salt water dried out the wound and it's angry at me and it hurts.
Yes, this blog is extremely random. I just like talking. Or... writing, whatever.
Oh, I remembered the third book that was included in the crossover. Romeo and Juliet!
So, back when I was banned, in December, I actually got kicked out of school temporarily because they were afraid I'd try to kill myself in school or something like that. My English teacher realized that I was super depressed (I mean, I basically just hid under my desk and cried all day...), asked me if I was suicidal, and I'm a bad liar so I just told the truth. And yeah, that happened. Then my mum had to come pick me up from school, and I had to show her my wrists... I had cuts all up my arm, from my wrist to above my elbow. I think I hurt her.
I think some people kind of scoff at me, like "ha, Panda has never been bullied, she's pretty, she has tonnes of friends, she has a job; she has no right to be depressed!"
Sorry. I guess I have no right to have a disorder that I inherited from my father. My cousin killed himself two years ago because he was affected by the same thing as me.
I'm rambling, but really, it's not like I expect anyone to read this. It just feels good to write. I have a journal that I'm supposed to be writing things in, but I write a lot slower than I can type, and my written English tends to be really bad because I'm focusing too much on just getting the form of the letters right.
I don't really want to post this blog. Then I won't feel like cutting anymore, but I want to hurt myself, so...
I don't know. 
I'll probably delete this sometime. I don't know. I seriously hate to be that depressed person.
Whatever, expect a story from me in a few days.
This is why I tell you that you shouldn't keep a blade in your room.
*hug* We're all here for you. We love you. Don't quit on us.
Talking helps. You might not want to but in the end it's the best thing you can do. Talk to some one about your anxiety's and you're bound to feel better after a while. It can't stay bottled because it's like a cancer, it kills if left untreated.
i remember the days i still had my grandpas switchblade, it was really fun to open it and close it. that thing was as dull as a butter knife though, and i probably wouldn't have enjoyed that as much if it was sharp.
srsly though why do your parents let you have a knife if you had suicidal thoughts in the past
4181102 They don't. I found where my mum hid it and I stole it back.
4181107 get rid of it, and any other sharp objects. and see a therapist for good measure, talking with them feelsgoodman
4181113 Seen many therapists. Not my thing.
Forty six and 2.
Wait, I forgot nobody likes my music. Dammit.
*hugs*
4181118 talk w/ a friend that wont blab to everyone about said thoughts
if nothing else works, do something that feels good, like vidya, or board games, or take a walk outside (if you dont live in a city), or do something incredibly fun and incredibly childish.
tl;dr get a hobby
You could always try and get Microsoft word or a Google account. That way you can type whatever you feel like. I know that helped me during some tough times in my past.
Just, don't forget that we're here. But we can only do so much. Maybe talk to a therapist? I know it gets weird having to talk to a total stranger about what bothers you, but trust me it helps.
4181134 I have hobbies. Lots. Thing is, depression makes me not give a shit about 'em.
4181135 Writing doesn't work for me unless I have an audience. As for the therapist thing, I don't know why people keep suggesting that. I've seen over ten therapists and it's really, really not my thing. It does nothing for me. The only reason that I can see going to a mental health professional useful is getting my prescriptions refilled.
4181142 i have no fucking clue, talk to your parents? if you can take the energy it takes to type a reply on a keyboard you can look up lucky star ep1
or hellsing ultimate ep1
unless you dont like animu n mangos
in which case download ifunny n scroll through features
4181155 Can you not?
4181154 I quit iFunny when I was 12. No thanks.
4181154
She does talk to people. She'd been talking to me for about two hours before this blog. She talks to other people too. However, she tends to shut us out when things are at their worst.
4181159
Why not? You said you were going to delete this blog soon anyway.
4181177 You of all people should know I tend to go back on things I say.
Blocked, because you've been annoying me on here anyway.
4181161 since i have no fucking clue what else, have pics i enjoy that i downloaded off the internetcdn.discordapp.com/attachments/206383294206443530/219202969533415443/akarin.gif imgur.com/dabuzdR.png
orig08.deviantart.net/9f47/f/2014/082/c/7/my_new_attorney_general_can__t_be_this_cute__by_vivaceco-d7bakdl.png
by this point im just bored, so below will be random shit
4181196 That last one tho
4181202 is it bad that i unironically like that song
4181203 dunno man. I probably liked it at some point too
4181208 doesnt even mention run run bodywash. srsly though its a good video
What... significance ...does that image hold? All I see is a reminder to a short video about Miis dying I saw about half a decade ago... a video I never wanted to know about again...
Ah no, I saw again!
4181227 Old thing I drew in school. Basically all the OC's I've ever had, sort of representing a part of me.
If there's anything I can do to help, let me know. Depression hurts more than people realize, and if you need someone who's been there, don't be afraid to reach out to me, okay? I want to help. Whatever I can do.
Do you need my help? (with editing)
Time out get my weps.. in slow mo.
:V.
meh.
Sounds rough.
4181113
getting rid of sharp objects doesn't help...
When I am feeling the urge to cut and have no weapons i use blunt force trauma.
I can't write print at all.
Learn cursive.
4181086
4181107
4181102
Removing the blade does no good, ya wanna eliminate the cutting? Fix the depression. How?
media-cache-ec0.pinimg.com/736x/cf/11/60/cf1160c55fc93e2b94fa6aa1c974bd28.jpg
Thus is the gist, achieving is hurd though.
I suggest finding a romantic partner, that's helped me an absolute ton. Beyond that just find something that has meaning to you and cling to it
My chemical romance always helps.
Stuff!!
Find a real hobby.
4181327 I know cursive and multiple forms of shorthand.
4181424 See, nobody tells me that though.
4181424 it's not a condition, it's a world view
My Advice: Get to a mental asylum.
I have a friend that deals with depression slot like you. I have had some depression myself but nothing nearly as bad as you. My friend has cut her wrists too, but I will tell you the same thing I told her, even though it might not help at all. Find some hobby or project and distract yourself with that. Find friends and go to a movie, or do something with them. You shouldn't just sit and think because that will bring on the sadness. But find a purpose or project or hobby. Just anything. That's all I can really do to help because I don't have so much experience, but that's all I can really do to help.
4181142 Oh
I once went through a phase of depression so bad I had to get antidepressants. I know how it feels to be hopelessly depressed. I'm so sorry my friend. Don't give up though, all of us here care for you so much.
The really brain-twistingly frustrating thing about depression, I always found, was that three-quarters of the reason I felt depressed was because I was screaming at myself for feeling depressed when I had no right to. It's the most fucking insidious merry-go-round in history; something makes you feel bad, and ordinarily you'd just feel regular-bad about it, but then all those voices crop up and scream that you ought to be ashamed for feeling bad when there's people out there suffering so much more than you and God, what kind of ungrateful degenerate are you. That's the stupid thing about being told you ought to be ashamed of yourself. You are ashamed of yourself - that's what depression is. They're getting mad at you for feeling the very thing they just told you to feel.
Piss on that. Everyone feels bad about things. It's a thing that happens in human brains. If I have a twisted ankle, it is not shameful of me to feel pain from it just because someone else, somewhere, has a broken leg. Nor should I avoid putting it up and putting on an ice pack if that's what's needed to make it recover faster.
I confess I have little experience with self-harm. I do have experience with deliberately making things harder for myself because I thought that I wouldn't deserve my victories until I'd "truly felt hardship." If I might ask, is there a similar feeling behind it? The idea that you only deserve things in life after you've suffered? Or am I just off the mark entirely? (I'm off the mark entirely, aren't I.
) If so... well, saying it's bollocks never helps; I know that. Nevertheless: it's bollocks. No matter how much you suffer, there's always someone who suffered more, and someone who suffered more than them. There isn't a 'suffering line' that you need to cross before you become an acceptable person. Again, those voices that are screaming you should punish yourself are also sneering because you're punishing yourself. At that point, their statements are officially horseshit.
Of course, if that isn't the problem you have, then all of this is horseshit, too.