Where the hell have you been? · 4:39pm Jul 13th, 2016
To some followers this may come as a surprise. But for the readers of a certain story, I'm sure you've come here because of some curiosity pertaining to my well-being. And for all of you who chose to read, well... thank you.
Often times I don't really have anyone to vent to in IRL without the conversation devolving into one side of the issue or another. And I know that coming here with the issue would probably be a bit divisive, considering the circumstances. But I'm obviously weighing everything that's going on right now and what could happen as a result.
Again, not everything is bad, but they have been trying nontheless. Perhaps it would be better if I gave a bit of backstory before we dive headlong into it.
June 28th to July 1st:
This was one of the instances where it was a little personal for me. Allow me to explain it a bit.
In October of 2009, my grandmother, my cousin and I were set to go out to a college homecoming parade. As we stopped at the gas station, I noticed that my grandmother started to walk out of the car a little funny. So I paid it little mind, writing it off as a cramp. She came back out staggering slowly... only to collapse right before she got in the car.
That staggering she did was the result of a blood clot that had traveled to her lungs. She didn't make it.
Fast forward two years into 2011. I didn't cope very well with everything and neither did my family, as my grandmother was the equivalent of the Grand Matriarch of the family. Everything went through her and the fact that her death was so sudden caused a unstable shift in our family that caused so much chaos and malcontent, we didn't know how to cope. So when my grandfather (on my dad's side) got remarried, we were still sorting things out. And of course, coming from college, it's hard to find a job. I was given two months from his wedding to find a job and failed to do so. Thus, I was booted from the household and sent 800 miles from point A to point B into another family situation that was probably more volatile than the previous. That was back in 2011.
Now back to the present. That whole 2011 caused me to completely fall out with my dad's side of the family. I practically maintained radio silence for 5 years because of it, and I had to help my mother clear some things on this side of the country. So now that I've broken the silence, I've had to pack and pay my way up to Oklahoma for a family reunion (yikes). I rode a bus getting up there, taking me a good 28 hours. So of course I was sleep deprived like hell when I arrived.
So when I arrive back, I see that much has changed since I last left. Some places I used to know weren't there anymore, but that's the breaks of life. Of course, a few family members have passed and I was just then catching up to the fact that those individuals were no longer of this world. Met my aunts and grandpa for the first time in years. We all hugged and spoke, caught up, shared our experiences, and discussed family matters. Then my dad and sisters comes into the picture, seeing them for the first time in five years. We had a family outing, dined, talked, and then... We took a moment, just hours before I had to leave, to visit my grandmother's site.
It went without saying how emotional I was.
So after that, we went out to eat, I said my goodbyes, hopped on the bus and left. Another 22 hours without rest, even coming across three sites that woke me out of my sleep. The first instance was a fellow passenger who suffered an epilepsy attack (my prayers are with him), and two instances of roadside disaster.
Twice, the bright lights of emergency response teams and the smell of death woke me out of my sleep.
In speaking of deaths...
June 13th, 5 p.m.
I'm typing on this chapter and suddenly hear five gunshots clapping just on my block. I walk outside only to hear that a shooting had taken place just in my back yard (not really my back yard, but I could look over the low-sitting fence and across my neighbor's yard to see it). The reason for the shooting was a traffic stop gone sour... You know exactly where I'm getting at.
Michael Moore, a 19 year-old male was gunned down by an off-duty police officer. Granted there are several reports with different perspectives, but I usually tend to trust the neighbors' accounts, especially since they've been around the place for several decades. Many have confirmed that the man was shot once, fell down and was shot another four times. The officer then proceeded to kick him over and place the cuffs on his wrists. In his hand was a cell phone.
Albeit the fact that he was a guilty party of a crime and was armed, he was not seen reaching for the weapon as video evidence points out. Police incident reports also state this.
I took a small stroll around the corner to hopefully get some insight and there his body laid... for forty-five minutes before they took him to the hospital (which happened to be directly across the street). So for a moment I had to kinda look back and reflect on all that had transpired as well as what I should do and how to react, being that this is seen as a national issue.
Some cops have started responding to instinct as opposed to discipline, reacting out of fear as opposed to properly assessing the situation and how to avoid a fatal encounter. I'm not against the police, as I do believe there are some DAMN GOOD cops running around the place, willing to help and protect others. But being that an incident like this happened on my block, it makes me grow even more concerned for my future and safety. I know I've done nothing wrong, but there's a part of me that will remain terrified of what's going on considering two facts:
1. The recent shootings over the past week.
2. I'm as dark as the night sky.
So as of the moment, I'm trying to be a little more careful and will adhere to local authorities, as to give them very little reason to detain me using force. At the moment, holding my peace is what's going to let me continue living where I'm at. Again, I respect all officers of the law, but I now hold slight worry for my safety because I know that (especially being in Alabama) I am a target to some, not to all.
My older sister, who's north of Atlanta, checks in on me and tells me to repeatedly be careful. My father, who's in Virginia, is urging me to record everything that occurs should I get stopped by police because he's scared that his son will come up as a victim. My mother is worried about every night I go out to gig, because of the possibility of me not coming back. My 81 year old grandfather, who was a part of the Civil Rights Movement in the 60's can't stop rambling about how we're a target.
Of course, I'm not "triggered" or none of that bullshit. If anything, I'm trying to stay calm and remain strong in the fact that not everyone is "out to get me" because that would be just plain conjecture. However, I realize that I can no longer be ignorant to what I am and what that may mean for me.
So forgive me for being so long-winded and writing so sparsely.
And if something was to happen to me, know that I have enjoyed every one of your comments, good and bad. I love writing these stories, no matter how many bottomless pits it throws me into (plotwise). To all who followed me, I love each and every one of you all. To all who follow my stories, thank you. And to everyone who reads this, I want you all to stay safe, be careful, and show respect even in your dark times. It may look like love won't get you through these trying times, but I can assure you that just a little shown will be the cause of something greater in your life. Each one of you are wonderful, and I appreciate you being an audience I can vent to.
Hugs for all.
Good luck, and stay safe. No matter what people think about the situation, people are people, both good and bad. The more charged things get the more dangerous things become. So all I can do is offer my prayers for your safety and hope calm will prevail.
As a black man myself I am trying to not let what has happened recently make me hate all cops because I know there are good ones out there it's just that these police departments need to rid the bad cops and not give them vacation days when they obviously did something wrong I want to have faith in our police and I'm not gonna lump the bad in with the good I thankfully have never had a bad run-in with the cops and I hope it stays that way but you never know but I hope that we can all be together in peace and not let this whole thing destroy us black, white, or whoever.
:( *hugs*
*tackle hugs* glad to hear fron you at least
-Offers you a good to bump-
Never lose sight of who you are, where you come from, or where you're going. Just do you to the best of your ability, and things will fall into place as they should. Keep your eyes on the prize and continue to go forward, but keep your peripherals in check. Nothing in life worth having, including life itself, comes easy. Good luck out there.
I absolutely love how you chose to describe yourself.
look, i'm sorry for what you've had to go through. no, i can't feel your pain nor would i try. we all have troubles to go through. but i feel i should note that your stories are well loved and you know you have people here more than willing to encourage you. you have already done more than i ever could to soldier through such a situation. know that you will be in our thoughts. peace be with you, bro.