Wise Cracker's Top Five Things That Will Never Happen: Celestia Edition. · 7:41am Jun 30th, 2016
This may become a recurring thing depending on its reception, but it's just a few humorous things I've noticed over the years. Keep in mind I've only seen the first six episodes of the new Season so far (can't seem to get the parents out of the house for long enough) so there may be some things that have already happened.
Anyway, top five, go!
5. "An ancient evil has returned. You know the one, you learned about it in history class. Yes, that one. Phew, that saves me a lot of time."
Nightmare Moon, Discord, Crystal Empire, all these were supposedly part of Equestrian history, but almost no one knew about them. But Celestia did. And she's a ruler. Might wanna look into that education reform sometime, Celly. Or is there something besides your sister you don't want ponies to know about?
4. "Now, now, my little ponies. For all her crimes, this is still an Equestrian citizen, and she has a right to due process. Officer, arrest that pony."
Exactly how does Equestrian law, or justice in general, work? Discord was cited to be a ruler, meaning Celestia and Luna overthrew him. And his punishment? He was blasted with magic that, at the time, they didn't know the effects of. Think about that for a second. The first time they nuked him, that could have killed him. And he was laughing at them. He got shot in mid-laugh, and stuck in stone.
Fast forward to Starlight Glimmer. Actual crimes committed, some against children. Eyewitness accounts, physical evidence. Nothing happens for... who knows how long. Not even a 'Wanted' poster. She was able to move freely in Ponyville and no one stopped her. Also, she was never convicted, and she has yet to see a parole officer or, you know, a certified shrink to help her with her obvious mental problems. Trixie physically abused two little boys and tore the face off a national hero. Nothing happened.
One has to wonder just what is legal in Equestria and what isn't, and how much Celestia even cares about the distinction.
3. "Okay, class, time to learn magic. You do this and this, but you mustn't do this or this. And if that doesn't work, do it like this."
Why is it Celestia has an Academy for magic if magic talent is, as far as we can tell, completely pre-determined? To help guide young mages into their career? Didn't work for Starburst. As a matter of fact, if unicorns are allowed based on their cutie marks, wouldn't that make the whole thing pointless?
Think about it. Starburst was sent to the Academy. He knew a lot of spells, but he couldn't do any. Okay. Umm, why? Was his mana pool too small? How do you expand your mana pool, then? Did he have concentration issues? You'd think the teachers know how to fix that. Or is it because it wasn't his destiny to be able to do all those things?
It's like sending a fat kid to fat camp in the hopes that they'll lose weight, only to find that their weight is completely unrelated to diet or exercise, and instead was just 'meant to be' so they'd end up being a crucial counterweight when the hero's car is hanging over a cliff.
'Buh-but he could learn all those things! He just got discouraged and gave up!'
Oh, really? Then how did he get in in the first place? No matter how you twist or turn it, this is still a matter of progression. He stated he couldn't do spells. The only answer we've ever gotten to why a pony can do a spell and the other cannot was cutie marks, and by extension, destiny. So the Academy is, until further notice, pointless.
'That's not true! What about the kids with unstable powers?'
Well, what about them? The same rules apply. Destiny chose them to have those unstable powers. Their success and failure at mastering said powers still depend on what destiny they have. We're not talking about X-Men here, where powers are genetic and can be developed and honed, like a muscle (Oh, Banshee...) We're talking about magic being tied to destiny.
Magic students have zero motivation to want to study. Any failure or success can be blamed on destiny. So why put state funds into perpetuating the illusion? We need to look into the numbers sometime; I think Celly's laundering money.
And while we're on the subject of Celestia's Academy:
2. "This is my student. She's very powerful, and she'll be of great use to your mission."
Celestia has a terrible track record with students. Twilight has always been neurotic (though now she's graduated -snrk- to delusions of grandeur), Sunset Shimmer decided to go lifestyle on her transspecies age-play fetish, Starburst was a disillusioned wreck so ashamed of himself he'd left the country (and Celly f*cking knew it was him, remember), Moondancer was a recluse, and as for the normal ones? Twilight's friends at the Academy?
What can they do?
If the point is to produce great wizards, then the point has been missed, gravely. The only normal ones to come out of that place are unicorns that didn't need the special attention in the first place. Rarity wasn't at the Academy, she's still a capable mare. The only powerful wizards are mentally broken in some way.
Honestly, I think the closest thing Celestia's had to a successful student was Spike, and even that's debatable. ("We don't know anything about dragons." - "But the glowing?" "Oh yeah, Dragonlord calling." - "What's a Dragonlord?" "Just something we know about dragons.")
And finally...
1. "No. No more Elements, no more Harmony, no more Missus Nice Pony. You go and take care of the others. This one is mine."
Let's be frank, Celestia's track record for fighting the enemies of her nation is about as terrible as that with her students. Now, I'll be the first to say that there are extenuating circumstances: Cadence was beloved by all, Chrysalis could have fed on Celestia's love as well, for example. But come on, at some point we're going to have to see Celestia take care of something on her own. Let the mortals deal with the disaster, stay behind in Opa Gandalf style and have a proper fight with a villain.
Celestia needs to get her righteous anger on at some point.
But that would undo years of establishing her character as a useless pink toy pony.
So there's my top five. Let me just grab my marshmallows and let the flame war commence 
(Please note the author does not hold any of these ideas as serious convictions, and the text should interpreted as an exercise in iconoclasm. The author also wants you to stay groovy.)
Yeah, that's what happens when you have a dozen writers trying to write a consistent kid show's timeline over six years, unfortunately. Actually it would be refreshing to have an episode where Celestis is like, "Look, Twilight, I keep this country from going up in flames, but there are a lot of ways I'm still a shitty leader, and that's why I count on you to bail my ass out so much. Thanks." Actually it would be nice to just have any sort of Celestia episode in general.
But yeah the more you think sbout it, the more fucked up the whole starlight glimmer situation is. For a much less calmer take, check out Meep the Changeling's blogs from however many months ago.
I find myself willing to suspend disbelief for most of this, but I do kind of want to see Celestia and Luna take care of whatever monster threatens Equestria at the end of the season. Whether alone or with help, doesn't really matter to me. Heck, have it be an all-out 9-vs-1 match with all of the Mane 6 and the 3 other Princesses versus whichever monster ends the season.
They were on the right track with The Crystaling, IMHO.
That said, my personal theory is that Celestia and Luna aren't actually that powerful beyond their control over the day/night cycle. They're ageless specifically because they control day and night which is kind of a necessary thing to sustain life, but they're not invincible - which is why they have to rely on the 6 ponies that, combined, surpass them in raw combat power by a freaking landslide by virtue of being The Chosen Ones.
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Meh, I'm just smirking at the little brainfart, honestly. And hey, if Celestia never gets her moment, I'm still looking forward to seeing that trigger-happy gym teacher from Filly Funtasia. Not to mention this majestic mother-hubbard:
2.bp.blogspot.com/-pTIR2IBZjmI/V2NhBmYEsJI/AAAAAAAABeA/jwN6NACJn8UXUgH9YuhX9vhLW17_DlaoQCLcB/s1600/Zack%2527s%2BFather_Proposal.jpg
I'm kind of okay with Starlight in general now, I just feel it's disjointed. And the magic thing really grinds my gears. I'm tempted to say it's offensive to my beliefs, but nothing good can come of that.
What other Top Five Things That'll Never Happen are there? Apple Bloom edition, Discord editions, maybe?
"transspecies age-play fetish" Snrk.
As for number 3, I have to wonder how Sunburst even got through the practical entrance exam. Unless his parents knew ponies who knew ponies and he was let into a school he never should've been, to his later detriment.
4057990 the apple bloom one needs to be entirely dead parent jokes. (Apple Bloom will never dance with her father at her wedding do ho ho!)
I'm a horrible person!4058026
Ask and ye shall receive. I'll give it some thought, see what else comes up.
Man, what I wouldn't give to see Celestia just burn some bad guy down at some point, just to see that she can. The power of four alicorns was able to go all DBZ with Tirek, surely the power of one could smack someone deserving around properly.
In the classic hero's journey, the mentor must die before the hero can truly realize her full potential and destiny (e.g. Obi-Wan and Yoda die, and so does Gandalf, even though he eventually comes back). This seems especially true in MLP as Twilight's destiny essentially seems to become Celestia's successor (it's even in her name).
Why would you want to see nr. 1 if we already got to see Better Princess slam a villain around the town? Twilight was objectively stronger at that point than Celestia will ever be, and Luna is probably the far better fighter anyway.
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Well, one, I'd like to refer you to the end of the article (you are staying groovy, I hope?)
Two, if I were taking this seriously, and that's a big 'if', it's basic worldbuilding. Twilight wasn't around for a thousand years. Neither was Luna. Neither were the Elements of Harmony, or the Crystal Heart. Celestia was. And really, nothing happened? No one came knocking on Equestria's door when its two most powerful artifacts were out of commission? All that time, no one showed up who that required that display of power? Sounds kind of like a cop-out. At the very least, we should get a vibe of 'This is why no one f*cks with ponies (except the writers)' when it comes to Celestia defending her little ponies. Otherwise, why hasn't anyone taken them from her since? If the answer is diplomacy: with whom? Who's protecting Equestria for that long?
When the Emperor showed his stuff in Return of the Jedi, that made some sense. Shooting lightning out of his hands and having some moderate precognition explains how he survived presumed assassination attempts. Master Roshi was built up as this grandmaster of martial arts in Dragonball, but he was also a loon. It wasn't fully justified until the first tournament. The Fourth Hokage was supposedly one of the most powerful ninjas alive, but a porny nosebleed knocked him out. It wasn't until he donned his armour that his reputation was justified. Or take King Bumi. You see that guy in action, you see why nobody messes with Omashu even when the Fire Nation is moving up. The Earth King, then, was so weak it was readily apparent someone else was in charge. So if we have a ruler who's presented as protective of her subjects (which she is), in a world where there are many dangers, past and present (which is also the case), as long as we don't see this ruler demonstrating her power on her own as long as she is presented as weak as she is for no reason, that thousand year-long gap of her defending the kingdom alone is kind of off. I'm willing to believe it's her pets, actually: hellhounds, phoenixes, I'll believe that Celestia's more of a beastmaster type than a brawler. But then I'm going to want to see that play out.
tl; dr: it doesn't matter who the better fighter is or was. What matters is she was the only one doing the fighting for a thousand years, and that's hard to match with what we've seen.
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I wasn't it taking seriously, don't worry.
As for the thousand years, almost every story I've read has some iteration of "Celestia rained heavenly justice on the griffons/dragons/jerkass invaders centuries ago, so no country has tried to seriously attack Equestria for at least three centuries." That's enough time to go soft, I wager.
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Yeah, the old 'ancient terror' schtick. So old and hackneyed.
I should use that more.
IDK what your problem with starburst is. He was smart and knew what to do, but nothing suggested that he was supremely gifted or that the academy produces super saiyan level unicorns. At least we saw Twilight studying magic before her exam, it's starlight glimmer that defies explanation. By all measures she was better at magic as a unicorn than twilight as an alicorn in the s5 finale, and as great as that episode and fight were, there was no alicorn-amulet explanation.
Oh shit, SG CLEARLY tops the power ranking chart.
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Again, I refer you to the end of my top five, and must ask if you are staying groovy.
But if you'll take a closer look at the argument, if taken seriously, the issue is this: the idea that he'd have to be gifted in the first place to be succesful. The so-called Academy does not teach anything. We see Twilight studying, yes, and Starburst studied. But what determines their power is, as far as on-screen stuff goes, completely arbitrary: destiny.
To take the former analog again: he may have learned exercise and proper diet, but his weight was set in stone already, and no amount of exercise or diet changed it. So why teach him in the first place? There is no progression for spellcraft, as far as we've seen. Learning new spells depends only on how gifted they are. So... basically they're only sending the lean and fit kids to fat camp to become lean and fit and learn about diet and exercise.
Actually, you know what? Make that a number 6: "This little unicorn's magic is so weak and frail. The poor thing will never live its dream to be a wizard at this rate. I shall create a school where all such unicorns can develop their fledgling magic in peace, and grow strong."
If magic is tied to destiny, then any idea of progression is a farce. And if it's not, then the question remains: what is it that made Starburst unable to cast those spells if the likes of Moondancer, Lyra, and Colgate could pass the entire curriculum?
The actual thing we'll never see Celestia doing is her actually teaching magic to anypony, because there is no set system for it. Starlight only further proves the point on that: she wasn't an Academy student, she lacked the resources Twilight had, and yet she matched her in power. Why? Because destiny.
The other thing we'll never see her do is present a competent and successful student, because she has none.
I'm sure there's a Ranier Wolfcastle meme lying around here somewhere to clarify, but I can't find it right now.
Also, I totally do not have a problem with Starburst because I've been whining about the lack of unicorn colts on the show for so long, and he basically came in as a slap to the face by only being a colt in flashback. I suppose they can't all be transpecies ageplay fetishists... what does Celestia teach at that Academy, anyway?