Critique Review: Escaped Forest or a Curse Whale · 7:27pm Apr 20th, 2016
Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.
How do you unwind after stressful times? Read a book? Pwn some noobs on Pokemon? Or perhaps you take your victims to the basement and saw off their legs, their screams like a symphony in your mind?
Well, outside the latter one, I like to pick up a fic that nopony expected to be good and meets those expectations entirely. You might think this is going for the lowest hanging fruit, to which I reply; “Shut up! I’ve had a long week and it’s time to take it out on something that nopony cared about. Not even the author!”
Something by Jbond. Jbond, a writer whom many consider is Top 10 worst Pony FanFic writer material, is the author who brought us such classics as Gainbow Dash. The fic where every character in the story wanted to have sex with a minor and Rainbow Dash discovers she’s a lesbian by having sex with every single character in Equestria.
Needless to say, it was dumb.
But that fic was written three years before today’s story. Surely, Jbond has improved by now. Doubtful, but there’s only one way to find out.
We’re going to review, I’m not even making this up, Escaped Forest or A Curse Whale.
Yes, that is the actual title.
I’ve got to admit, I’ve got nothing for this one. With a title like that, you can pretty much expect anything. After all, a forest and a whale are just so well connected.
"We have long go, sister - said Shayning contacting Twilight
Damn, they have Long go! I’ve been looking for that Pokemon for years! I’ll trade you my Bad Write for it!
"We have long go, sister - said Shayning contacting Twilight - Maybe we can take rest?"
"I Need someone to protect me as in any way here, I have never been and who knows what could happen here."
Yes, as we get the full description of where the fuck we are. As in, none of it. Also, that’s the story’s first attempt at spelling the world “Shining” as in “Shining Armor”. Yes, the first sentence of the story already has a major spelling error. I guess we can chalk this up to ‘Author doesn’t give a shit” reason of why this story sucks.
They walked in a strange forest, and he still has not ended.
Nope. Not even FIMFiction itself can stop me. The Critique will review forever.
It was not Everfree forest, but something completely new. There was even scarier and darker.
Look, guys! This forest has Scarier and the super rare, Darker! Go Bull Shit, use tackle attack!
The cold swept hoof poor ponies, but something caused them to go forward.
… I’ve got nothing for that one.
Yeah, it goes on like this for the entire story, so I won’t pick apart every sentence I see. We’ll be here all day.
Shining Armor is apparently with them, though with this story, I couldn’t tell who the fuck is with them, since it doesn’t bother to tell us anything beyond the forest is apparently dark and scary. So is my dick, but nobody wants to write a story about that.
Shining shouted:
"I'm scared!"
"You're the captain of the guard Celestia and still afraid of such nonsense? Come on, there is nothing you do not have ... Well, except that the forest and the darkness and owls."
Okay, Shining Armor scared of a dark forest? What was it that scared him? Mind sharing that with us? Was it a spider? Is he afraid of spiders? Probably ought to show us that!
And apparently, Shining Armor has ownership of everything except the forest, the darkness and the owls. But to the snakes and monkeys, Shining Armor is king.
"You're right, I should not be afraid, but then someone will attack us?"
So, you being afraid is the ultimate deterrent from being attacked by someone? Maybe that’s why I haven’t been attacked by any Mary-Sues lately. That or someone’s a bad writer and hasn’t done anything with that in months.
*Grins*
So umm… Shining Armor and… another character (who I guess is Twilight, though that’s not made clear until several paragraphs in) continue walking through the forest when all of a sudden, they become the opposite gender when they travel into a strange fog. Ugh, this is the second week in a row that we’ve had sex changes in fics. I hope this doesn’t become a thing for me.
"And You become ... Stallion! Your nose, like mine, and your body, it ... Well ... much, much more."
Translation; Twilight is fat.
"It's not funny!"
"And Your voice, it's hilarious! - laughed at her Shining."
I’m guessing since the quotation marks are outside her action. She said she did that instead of actually doing it. Maybe that will work for me as well. Hey, guys. I’m reviewing Asylum and calling it a pile of shit, all while having a seven-some with the main six while Spike is watching.
You have to believe it because I said it.
"Your Are no better - told him alikorn."
I guess he’s a huge fan of the Heavy Metal Band, Korn. I know I am.
"Can's Go back?"
"If You turning you'll cockerel."
For those of you who don’t know, a cockerel is actually a rooster. Specifically a young rooster. So, basically, Twilight tell Shining that he will chicken. … Either he will turn into Scootaloo so the Wonderbolts can have sex with him or he’ll do the Scootaloo dance. I’m honestly hoping for the latter.
The two bicker back and forth about who’s a coward and who’s a Scootaloo and what’s the definition of a chicken and I’m not even kidding you, it goes throughout the entire fucking chapter.
They continue forward, from where is anyone’s guess at this point and they run into another Pokemon.
"Quick, Slowpoke. - Customized Shayning his sister."
Apparently, Shayning is able to get his Slowpoke to customize him a sister. Best Pokemon Ever.
As they walk around, they tell each other how difficult it is to walk with or without certain body parts. And then they fuck. Not even kidding they fuck. I’ll spare you details, but let’s just say, I’m not a fan of this story sticking to the oldest trick in the book. If you don’t have a story, don’t worry, just have a couple characters fuck. That’ll get you popular in no time.
Way back they took less time. They were able to change the floor again and now again found their bodies,
Turns out that Twilight and Shining have been dead this whole time. That makes this story all the more confusing!
They find a shack that they can stay in when it starts raining and Twilight finds a bathtub where she can stick a sponge up her. Why? I don’t fucking know! It’s not like the author gave a shit! So, why should I?
And then they fuck again, because clearly the chemistry between the two so far in this story has been so good, that they have to fuck each other’s brains out a second time. Of course, they had to have brains in this story to begin with!
We then cut to Pinkie Pie licking Ice Cream and cake off… somepony? I have no fucking idea. There is no name. There is no identification. I really have no idea who Pinkie Pie is having dirty sex with right now. I wouldn’t be surprised at this point, if it was her imaginary friend or something stupid like that.
Unfortunately, Pinkie Pie is having sex during business hours as a pony comes in and sees them. Fortunately, Pinkie Pie gives him something else to snack on. Well, at least we are running a legitimate prostitution ring around here. I always knew Mr. Cake stripped for SugarCube Corner patrons.
After a chapter of that unintelligible mess, that has nothing to do with the entire plot of this story, we cut to Big Mac and Applejack. More of the same, so there’s really nothing to comment on. In fact, that’s the entire story. The first chapter was the entire story. Proof that Jbond cannot write anything unless there is a completely forced sex scene that adds nothing to the story except to show that he has no idea how human beings act. Or ponies for that matter.
And you know what the weirdest thing is, each sex scene is more fucked up than the last. Between Applejack giving birth moments after having sex with Big Mac. Rarity bleeding out due to sex with Spike and Fluttershy fucking multiple animals at a time, it’s clear the author spends most of his days just imagining new ways he’ll never get any.
After some more BDSM with Rainbow Dash, and after 7 fucking chapters of the same goddamn mother fucking thing we’ve seen in every single goddamn Jbond fic ever written, so it makes me wonder why the fuck does he keep writing, if he keeps writing the same thing we’ve seen a million times from him, we finally get to the sorry excuse for a plot that this story claims to have. Turns out that Cheerilee has been taking advantage of her students and that Twilight and the others have to stop her.
Oh, I’m sorry. I thought, according to Gainbow Dash, that having sex with minors was okay. What? Just repeating what you taught me in every other fic you ever wrote.
They end up killing Cheerilee, I think, the typos in this story make this incredibly difficult to follow.
"Cutie Mark Crusadersi Necrophilis!"
"No! No one should know about it - Twilight said."
Shining again became an adult.
"You Know that there will have to build a new school and to find one in a pony-like Cheerilee. 'Said the white unicorn."
"But Now you will only Cadence, right?"
"You Know, I live in Canterlot? Did you know that Cheerilee teaches in Ponyville? Did you know that teachers in schools can be a little ?!"
"So It was not Cheerilee?!"
"Well of course not, I did say that it Cheerilee?"
"Well ..."
"-You Better think about what we say foals that come to the school, which is not present."
Around Twilight lined up a bunch of foals. They came to study, but discovered the ruins and the corpse of his beloved teacher.
"And When wake up Miss Cheerilee? - I asked one of the students."
"it will be all right, I'll take her home perhaps, and it will soon be better."
"And What happened to school? - Asked the other kid."
"She Moved ... Yeah, she's in a different place."
Together they carried the corpse to the house of Twilight.
And the Cutie Mark Crusaders want to have sex with Cheerilee’s corpse. Because Jbond.
And then there’s a … Scarecrow? What?!
Rarity and Spike walked around the city and saw even more destruction.
"Rarity, Suddenly there is a zombie !?"
"Oh, Spike, zombies do not exist, it's just a pony tale."
Rarity had to buy new fabrics, because the old ones were ruined and so she went into one of the shops.
"Good afternoon, you are greeted by a workshop Trixie. You can order the most chic apparel for all occasions."
"What Are you doing here?"
"Excuse me, but after the event I needed somewhere to work to pay off the debt, so I'm working here."
"Now Too many problems, and I just want to buy stuff."
"Okay, but I have one condition. Now grab my suit your body and you'll be in it."
"What!?"
She was attacked by one of the costumes and we can say it is swallowed.
Now, this creature was like a Rarity, just like a suit similar to the remote body Rarity.
The suit came out of the building
"Rarity, You scared me, I have heard your cry."
Scarecrow was silent.
"You Bought what you needed?"
Scarecrow nodded.
"Excellent, Went to Applejack."
Honestly, I’m having a really hard time following this story. Not helped by the poor as shit writing that comes with it. Based on what I can tell, a thief has been going around and stealing food and causing damage to the town while everyone is off having sex. Cheerilee is now dead because Twilight and Shining killed her after they discovered what Cheerilee was doing. They are taking her to Twilight’s home to stash the body or something.
Maybe that’s the plot, the first eight chapters added nothing to the story, that it might as have been just an excuse for Jbond to write more porn.
"Common, Spike, we must find Twilight."
They went on and found Ponyville Dash and Fluttershy
Damn it! I wanted the rare Spike! Not the common one!
Also, I’m glad they found the Ponyville Rainbow Dash. The Cloudsdale Rainbow Dash is kind of a psychotic.
Though to be fair, I do want to see a lot of the characters ground up into rainbows.
They are suddenly attacked by vampires and zombies … for really no reason, other than for them to fuck our characters instead of you know… killing them.
They meet up with a zebra, who doesn’t speak rhyme because ‘she’s too smart’.
"Why do not you say the rhyme? I thought all the zebra so they say."
"I Too smart and large, to be like everyone else zebra.
Translation: I’m a shitty writer.
The zebra tells them that her white ‘milk’ is the only thing that can save the world. I’m not sure why her ‘milk’ can save the world, when she’s a girl, but hey, the story hasn’t tried so far. Why the fuck would it start now?!
So, the zebra fucks Celestia, because that’s all the story knows how to do, and the world is saved from whatever the fuck was wrong with it in the first place.
Well, that was a fun waste of my time.
This is probably the worst Jbond fic out of all of them. The plot of this fic is trying to be this grand adventure, but Jbond can’t write those. He just can’t. He has no experience in writing anything except horrible sex scenes that are only errotic to the most desperate bronies.
There are tons more porn that you could be reading or viewing if you want to get your fix than supporting this lazy ass story! Some with more quality! It’s a fucking mess! The story makes no sense, mostly because half of it is so poorly translated from whatever language it was originally, you’d swear it was written by a five year old. And it probably was.
My recommendation. Stay away from Jbond fics. They’re repetitive. Have nothing. Give nothing. And will hopefully find a black hole and return to nothing.
"Cursed Whale"? What does a whale have to do with anything related to a forest?
Well, only one way to find out.
I like to pretend that little plastic dudes are chainsawing other little plastic dudes, but that's just me.
Oh, that guy. For a moment I thought he was the Wonderfall guy, but then it came back to me.
Quote's busted. Also, who the heck is Shayning? Is he Shyamalan as a pony?
Interestingly enough, I wanted to write a Cupcakes parody where it's a horror movie Rainbow and Pinkie got roped into by a Shyamalan pony. It would have been funny.
Critique is life. Critique is love.
... New Jersey?
At least my fic didn't have it be because of something stupid.
Also, where's the whale? This story promised me a whale. Or is this going to be like Moby Dick where the whale doesn't show up until the end?
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Incest rates about as high as Rape and Celestia shipping in my list of "Things I hate in fanfics"
Mindless carnage works just as good.
I thought he was an alien warlord, but then my sources might be mixed.
You could apply that to any sentence in this damn thing.
Replace Jbond with Mykan, and you'll also benefit.
Also... what happened to the whale? I WANTED A WHALE, DAMMIT!
Well, I am exhausted from moving my mom's backbuilding. Might as well read a bad fic
What? I thought he was saying Shamalyan!!
Will somepony please translate this sentance
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I think it's about the determination of ponykind to move forward with their lives... or it could be something about bananas
And yet... still adorable.
25.media.tumblr.com/629df1a266f2fabb6b41b36b45d88368/tumblr_mj3yyrc41W1r33d8qo4_500.gif
...What? So fat people can be adorable.
The bigger question is... do you really WANT to know?
The truly sad part is, as disturbing as all this smut is, in the hands of a decent author it could at least be entertaining. I can think of guys like Abyss, Chuckfinley, or Bronystories being able to chisel something mesmerizing out of this mess.
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Truer words were never spoken.
I know! You give a title like that and you don't give us a whale?! At least give us a character fucking a whale?! I promise not to give you less shit than your currently getting, Jbond, for fuck's sake!
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No, that would be so bad, it's good. This is so bad, I can't understand a word it's saying.
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I love fat people! Fat people are my favorite!
If it was the aforementioned whale, probably.
Yeah, take Abramus's Solar Embrace. I didn't like it, but it did have at least one creative sex scene that did spice it up and did make me laugh and enjoy it. The sex scenes in this are just boring. The same thing over and over with nothing tantalizing. And even if it was, you've already blown your load in the first chapter and you've got another 8 chapters of jerking off to get through.
Thank you.
I guess if one really wanted to get the full experience on how badly this is written, one could just try to read the story. And from what you have pulled from it and shown already as an example to what one would see, I put an emphasis in TRY! to read it.
Damn I thought the spelling in my stories were bad. And mine are, but this could compete with mine as to which one is worse.
What!?
"You're the captain of the guard Celestia"
I think it should have been "You're the captain of the guard Shining"
Yes! One day even I could be an editor!
Yeah, like in my dreams.
Hay, it works for opossums. Why not ponies?
With stories from on this site, I am sure you can make it happen, even if unintentionally.
Again. What!!?
I know what this is trying to imply, but it is horrible. It is so bad that even I would likely have turned away from this story by now.
Critique I applaud your effort to get through this one. I really do.
I did have a potential sex scene in one of my stories. But I did not take it that far. Maybe that is what my stories have been lacking all along, is at least one good sex scene. And I failed to bring everyone that.
So, If I was to make another story, maybe I should have everyone in it like-
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Confused as me now are you?
I have an odd image of Rarity eating clothing.
This could be a new thing for her.
Rarity: "Oh' do try my new line of sumptuous but affordable garments. They are absolutely delectable."
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Got it.
Are you sure about that fun part?
I could always count on finding one by Rainbow Bob, and a few select others writers.
"The story makes no sense, - you’d swear it was written by a five year old."
Yes, I kind of got that impression.
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Fun times.
Have not done anything like that in a while. Kind of miss it.
Possibly even the lost world. No. That would make it completely old.
Oh' I already used that in some of my stories, and it didn't work.
Guess there will be no whale of a time in this story.
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I though his 'The Last Airbender' movie was a red hot poke in the eye to the cartoons.
Even with CG to help in making the film, the powers in it that was shown was like a candle flame vs the blinding spotlight that was the cartoon. Let's not even get into the bland acting. Oh' I guess I did, a bit there.
I am taking a real wild stab in the dark, but I think it is trying to mix the idea of sweaty palms and a cold sweat, to a cold sweat coming off their poor hooves. Saying despite their (whatever) scared state, that they pressed on. But this is only a guess.
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You got my attention. Now if only I had the time too look at some.