Critique Review: God Empress of Ponykind

Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.

Let’s talk about Warhammer 20k.

You mean 40k?

Yeah, that’s exactly what I meant.

Okay, maybe it’s obvious I’m not exactly knowledgeable about Warhammer 40k. Not that I don’t think it could be good, it’s just not something I’ve ever looked into. I’m sure it’s fine. But maybe that’s the point. Maybe we need someone who isn’t into Warhammer to see if this fic is good or not.

Well… maybe not. But maybe that gives me an edge because I don't understand anything that the story references and that means points will get docked for it making references to stuff I don’t know.

Unless, the story fits it in a way that flows well and even if you don’t understand the reference, you don’t miss anything, but shut up! My point is, I’m going to review what I want, when I want and how I want.

So, let’s pick on a subject I’ve been meaning to pick on for a while, but never really got to. And it’s by the same author who did that Mare of Steel fic I liked, mostly.

God Empress of Ponykind by Iowaforever

Oh, yeah… The cat with the monocle that tried to kill me with his death ship…

I wonder what happened to him?

Ah, well. Who cares?

Noon: the easiest hour of work for a Princess. She sat alone, perusing through what forms she had missed or ignored during her earlier hours of work.

8 P.M: Most difficult part of her day, when the Taco Bell she had for lunch finally hits her. That is the true reason why Luna is in charge of the night.

Celestia sits down and enjoys a cup of tea as she scans through her forms. Philomena appears and gets her talking about how she was in the past. Celestia is a little spooked since she doesn’t want to be the pony Philomena is talking about any more. Turns out Celestia was actually Rob Snyder in a past life. I wouldn’t want to remember it either.

“Listen to me. I could not do that; I may lose myself and... well, remember what happened last time?” Philomena squawked. “Well, yes she had declared war on my throne... but you didn’t see the rest of the guard; they were terrified of me, that their leader could be so... ruthless.” The bird chirped and took off, landing on the knob of the door and allowing her weight to open the door.

The door reveals a large suit of armor, which she puts on herself for really no reason, except for a nostalgic trip. She starts to remember some things about her past and we get quick glimpses of it that actually flow rather nicely.

It doesn’t tell us everything, so it doesn't drag on, but it gives us enough that we are interested in it.

Her mind drifted to another time, another universe. There, she commanded legions against the Ruinous Powers, purging the Galaxy of the unclean. She remembered the Heresy, channeling Her powers to smite Her traitorous son. She remembered being entombed inside the Throne, watching in agony as Her body rotted and Her utopia degraded into the very hell She had fought against.

She remembered being freed, and striking with the full of Her power. Mutants, hellspawn, even the Gods of Chaos themselves, nothing stood to slow Her wrath. Countless fell with each sweep of Her mighty blade, their blood staining the ground black as She purged them from the Galaxy.

Celestia gets so wrapped up in her memoirs that when she is interrupted, she goes on a rant against the filly who would dare interrupt her trip down memory lane! Twilight Sparkle!

Looks like Celestia’s gonna have to smack a filly.

As you would expect, it scares the piss out of little Twilight and when Celestia realizes how frightened Twilight is, she goes back to normal. Wow, bipolar much, Celest.

Celestia manages to comfort Twilight and apologize for her behavior.

”I’m sorry, Princess, I’m sorry!” the filly cried. “I-I didn’t mean to! I’m really really sorry! P-Please don’t be mad, I didn’t mean to! Oh, please don’t hurt me! Please!” Celestia deactivated the sword and lowered it. Her mind was pulled back to reality: she was no longer a commander during a time of war, but a teacher who had just threatened to kill her favored student. Oh no, I went too far again…

“T-Twilight?”

“I’m really really sorry, I didn’t... Oh, please, don’t hurt me, I-I only wanted to... to...” Twilight could not hold back before bursting into tears, a small puddle collecting beneath her hooves. Celestia dropped her sword and raced towards the filly, her armored boots causing small tremors as she ran.

“Please, Twilight, don’t cry.” Celestia said, wrapping an armored foreleg around the crying filly. “That was my fault, Twilight; I got carried away for a moment. Don’t cry, I did not mean to harm you.”

Celestia explains that the armor is of another life for her and that she got carried away in her memories. Not meaning to threaten Twilight and forgetting who she had become. Twilight asks more questions about it, like where did Celestia come from.

Celestia: Well, according to the headcanon of the greatest reviewer that ever lived, I came from the sky’s vagina.

Twilight: But what about season 6 where we clearly see an alicorn being born?

Celestia: How dare you question my genius! OFF WITH YOUR HEAD!

Wow… Celestia’s kind of a violent bitch…

Celestia explains that long ago before she was a pony, she was once human.

“But humans don’t exist!” Twilight said, defiantly pointing her hoof in the air.

“No they don’t... not here, anyway." Celestia shook her head. That is a thought for another time.

Celestia: Trust me, you’ll see more humans than you should, in a movie that the most awesome critic in question will consider non-canon because of how shitty the movies are.

Twilight: Are you reading dialogue that somepony else wrote for you?

Celestia: I can neither confirm nor deny that.

So, Celestia tells a seven year old the tale of how she murdered thousands upnt thousands of beings in order to save the world, in every bloody gory detail, and how violent and angry she was, inspiring Twilight to become a psychotic when she grows up.

… I can actually dig that. Carry on.

We then are told about a Black Crusade that’s tearing the Galaxy apart. I’m not sure what it’s about, but according to the wiki, a champion of Chaos brought together forces to destroy the universe or something. The most devastating of these crusaders was Abaddon, who led multiple crusades against the Imperium.

There’s a lot of background to this thing, and frankly, the one wiki page about it made the Chase look like a children’s book by comparison. So let’s move on.

The story continues with Titus, a space marine kicking demon ass and taking names. Titus gets overrun by demons, but fortunately, a fellow soldier named Vulkan appears to help him out.

“You’ll need to shape up if you are going to survive as the new master of Macragge.” said Vulkan He’stan, Forgefather of the Salamanders. He offered a hand to Titus, pulling the Captain up from where he lay.

I see words and yet… they mean nothing to me.

Okay, I kid, the story is actually quite interesting here. The fight scenes are very well done and the characters are pretty human as far as the story goes. The lore can be a bit weighed down for newcomers since we aren’t really given a reason why these Crusades are going on.

“Calgar has fallen?” Titus asked.

“And Sicarius, and Tigurius, well over half your Chapter.

Good to know that the second half of this chapter is going to drop in quality.

Now many of you would think, especially if you aren’t familiar with the Warhammer franchise like I am, that maybe Titus is supposed to be Celestia from before. Actually, no. This is not Celestia at all, so it’s kind of baffling here.

Why are we focused on Titus and his group of soldiers? I’m not saying that they’re bad characters, but if they don’t come back into the plot of the story later, then what is the point of focusing strictly on these characters?! It would have been better to focus on Celestia and then focus on her interaction with these characters. Again, I don’t know how the Warhammer mythos goes, so maybe it would have been out of character for this story, but something other than focusing on characters that have no purpose throughout the rest of the story with no interactions from the main character.

Anyway, they continue to fight demons with them getting pushed back and forth, while mentioning a bunch of names and places that are just names and places to me. This is a double edge sword for me. On the one hand, I appreciate not being weighed down with explanation after explanation. Turning the story into a crawl. On the other, a little explanation would be nice, but I’ll get into why that’s not such a big deal later.

We then cut to the throne room of the God Emperor. No… You heard right. Emperor. Celestia … in a past life… Was a dude.

This is comedy gold, my friends! I’ve always wanted to make fun of Celestia like this now I have the chance!

Sir, is this not offensive to transgenders?

Hey, I’m all about equality in this library. I make fun of everyone equally.

Fair enough, I suppose.

Now, let’s begin the story of Celestia’s Transgender Adventures.

Two soldiers argue about why Celestia isn’t doing anything and why she hasn’t recovered from her … Odinsleep?.., with one stating that it’s his duty to defeat the demons, while the other says that he’s just waiting for the right opportunity.

”Funny, and I was told the Grey Knights were more open in the sight of the 'Emperor',” said a deep voice, dripping with malice and hatred. Draigo and the other humans in the room turned to see a hulking brute clad in warped Terminator Armor march out of the shadows surrounded by a score of Traitor Marines and lesser daemons.

Oh, my god! It’s Arnold Schwarzenegger!

The demons attack the soldiers defending Celestia and the aforementioned Abaddon killing of the Emperor’s men, before turning to the Emperor himself. However, the Emperor springs a trap on Abaddon and manages to suck the life out of Abaddon in order to resurrect himself. And it only took a few of his loyal followers deaths to bring his plan together.

The Emperor works in mysterious, stupid ways.

The Emperor slays the attack force sent to kill him with ease and claims that his next victims will be the Gods of Chaos themselves. With this badass line.

“Y-Your defiance is in vain, False Emperor,” the Traitor said as the Emperor advanced “The Lords of Chaos will smite you and devour all that serve under your name.”

“They failed to kill me while I was entombed in the Throne, when I was weak and helpless,” The Emperor snarled, raising the Traitor up with His psychic powers “I doubt they will be able to slay me when I have regained my power.

We then cut to Titus and his forces on the battlefield attempting to repel the enemy attack. However, with the arrival of the Emperor, the tide of the battle quickly turns.

The Emperor ends the battle and tells his children that he still needs to end the lives of the chaos gods before peace can be obtained. His children fear for him, but he explains that he is the only one powerful enough to destroy them.

The Emperor arrives at the Warp where the Chaos Gods lie and they talk for a bit about how “I’m going to defeat you” and “You’ll never defeat us” before the Emperor slays them all one by one.

After defeating the Gods of Chaos, the Emperor allows himself to be swallowed up by one of the warp storms… Yeah, I don’t get it.

When he wakes up, he finds himself in a new land where he can begins his journey as a dickless mare.

“This world is young... very young. Tzeentch probably planned to cast me here in the event of his defeat.” He sighed, raising a hoof to His head “Perhaps I should find a way to re-enter the Warp and make sure that he’s fully-”

Wait, hoof?

Ooo… Here it comes…

“I... I am a Xenos?” The Emperor asked before placing a hoof against His throat. His voice had raised several octaves, and was now much more bell-like and regal rather than harsh and commanding. “A female xenos?!” For whatever reason, His eyes drifted to the top of His head and saw a horn protruding from His skull.

“WHAT THE FRAK HAPPENED TO ME?!”

Ah, that’s good stuff.

“THIS IS YOUR ATTEMPT AT DEFEATING ME?! WHAT ARE YOU, SOME KIND OF CHILD?

No, I’m not childish!

Sir, I washed your blankee for you.

Give me that! *Snatches blankee* Not a baby... *Sucks on his hoof*

Celestia begins to explore her new world, but finds it void of any life. She decides to use the natural magic of this world to create some instead. And rather than use that magic to find a way to transform himself back, he’s … rather accepting of the whole thing…

Really? You’re not going to be even a little depressed that you just lost your dick? I mean, I know in the previous chapter you mentioned how you never used it, but still I’d think that come as a great blow to you.

She decides that, in order to generate life, she needs to crash a planet into her planet, since the Earth was created that way. Hmm… I wonder what planet she’ll take?

I’m sure there was nobody important on that planet.

As she waits for the planets to crash into one another, she manages to figure out how her new body works and where he wants to put everything, such as oceans and landscapes. I know I keep switching back and forth between he and she, but I’m technically not wrong either way.

However, during this time, she accidently invents one of the most horrible things in all of Equestria. Something so sinister it haunts us even today. BOREDOM!

Damn you, Celestia! Why did you invent this?! Now I must suffer through every boring fic in Equestria!

Celestia figures that a creature of flesh and blood would not be able to survive, but a creature of fire would.

“Beings of flesh and blood cannot yet survive, but a creature of fire can prosper.

That’s what I just said.

With her magic, Celestia manages to create a phoenix out of rocks and a piece of her wing. A phoenix she names Philomena.

However, Philomena is not too kind to Celestia, when Celestia demands the bird bow before his greatness and flies off. Celestia chases after her and Philomena explains that Celestia is being kind of a dick, despite not having one.

“LISTEN TO ME. I DO NOT WANT TO DEAL WITH YOUR EVASIVE ACTIONS. WE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE COMPANIONS, FRIENDS EVEN. WHY CAN’T YOU JUST ACCEPT THAT?” the bird looked up at Her and squawked.

I used to wonder what friendship could be. Until she shared his magic with me.

And yes, just to remind you, Celestia is telling this and death and destruction, gods and demons, to a seven year old. I guess that’s the backbone for Asylum. Twilight went mad when she kept dreaming about the Warp and other such things.

When suddenly, who should appear? Why the most evil pony in all of Equestria? The most diabolical pony who is plotting to ruin the lives of everyone in every timeline ever created?!

Princess Cadance!

Yeah, honestly, I have no idea why Cadance is even in this thing. She doesn’t add anything to the story and she hardly has a reason to be there, other than, the show had just introduced her. Seriously, what point does she even have of being there?!

She sits down as Celestia begins storytime. Oh, boy, I can’t wait until by the end of the story when the whole fucking castle is there with Celestia telling the story! Seriously, what the fuck?!

Back to the story, Celestia asks Philomena what she could build next and Philomena comes up with the only logical response.

“... No, a mate for you shall have to wait.” She continued to sift through the magma before Philomena chirped again.

Dude, way to fucking cockblock her!

Celestia gathers enough metal to make her armor and Philomena is pissed that she seems to care more for a suit of armor than she does for another being. I’ve been saying that for years and yet, nopony still believes me! I wonder why that is?

Perhaps it is your tendency to lie or to exaggerate the truth? Or maybe your ability to jump to conclusions?

Nah, I don’t think that’s it.

Philomena starts to ask more questions about a character named Horus and how Celestia failed him from turning to dark powers. Hmm… Why do I get uncomfortable foreshadowing here?

I’m sure it’s nothing…

“No, I can’t rush this process.” The Empress replied to a chirp. There was another series of chirps, followed by a squawk. “If I did, the impact might scatter more debris over a large area, and then the planet would be too small for my plan. For someone who has parts of my memories, you don’t seem to use them very much.” another squawk, causing the Empress to smirk. “I have made myself productive while you have gone on about mates and children; who do you think is the more industrious?” A chirp, this one removing the smirk from the Empress’ face. “No, I’m still against it.” Yet another chirp. “... Yes, I have thought about it...” She shook Her head and turned Her attention back to the collision before Her.

You know, I picture Philomena as some hormonal teenager and Celestia is her overprotective mother.

Philomena: Mom, Tommy wants me to go to his house! Can I?

Celestia: Absolutely! Just as soon as you put on this chastity belt.

Philomena: Wait, what?!

Celestia: Oh, don’t be like that. It’s not like you’re going over there to have sex.

Philomena: Mom! That’s none of your business!

Celestia: I’ll have the key and I’ll unlock it when you get home!

Philomena: Why don’t you trust me, mom?! I hate you!

Celestia: I love you too, sweetheart!

Once the planets collide, Celestia begins construction of the planet and her new genetics lab. Where she can put random animals together.

Celestia: Let’s see … what do I get when I cross a lizard and a chicken? Ooo, or maybe a lion, a goat or a snake put together into an abomination? Or even… *Giggles* Okay… A dragon… with several heads… all in one body… *Burst out laughing* Let’s see how long it takes for one head to eat the others.

… Wow… Celestia’s kind of sick…

Anyway, she creates the first life in the world beside Philomena. A scorpion, crab… thing…

“Impressive, isn’t it?” She said, lifting her creation out of the manipulator. It was small, about the size of a bolter shell, and colored a weathered brown. It had eight claw-like legs and two small pincers, and a thin tail protruded from the rear of its carapace. “I call it the Scorpia. What do you think?”

I think you’ve got a pretty fucked up imagination Celestia.

She’ll stop eventually. Once she realizes I don’t need a mate or child, she’ll stop.

That hasn’t stopped fan fiction writers, why would it stop Philomena?

However, Celestia quickly realizes that the creatures she created are herbivores and that they are rotting away since they are eating up the plant life too quickly and many of them starve to death. Celestia realizes that she needs a predator for the creatures as a balance.

Philomena manages to convince Celestia to make a pony to keep her company. Not that kind of company. A sibling who she can share everything with, including her rule, with this sibling being second in command.

“Okay fine, you win. Once I finish building a stable ecosystem, I'll create someone to keep me company so you'll stop annoying me. Go and gloat somewhere else if it will make you happier.”

Philomena: I will most certainly not gloat! Where is my sex partner?!

So, Celestia begins working on the schematics for the perfect sister. Writing down everything she wants her sister to be.

She shall be of my own flesh and blood, but she shall not be my daughter.” there was a flash of pain as She pressed the syringe into Her leg, crimson liquid filling the syringe as She drew Her blood. “All of my strengths, my powers, my capacity of knowledge; all these I give unto her.” She injected the blood into the manipulator, scanning the DNA strands that appeared. “As I am ruler of the day, she shall rule the night; the darkness shall be subdued and she shall be its master.” Manipulation and alteration began, the Empress working as fast as possible to make sure everything was ready. Impurities were erased, flaws ironed out, and changes in potential power sets were made to make sure the new pony was as different as possible.

“And above all, she shall have a capacity for love; I may not show it very often, but she shall. Her subjects will be her most prized possessions; her loyalty to them shall never waver. Their safety and well being shall come before her own, and she will defend them to the utmost of her abilities.” Finally, the manipulation was finished. Before the Empress was a single cell, not yet ready for growth. Smiling, She leaned down and touched Her horn to the manipulator, letting off a pulse of Warp Energy. The cell stirred for a moment before it began to divide, growing faster with every passing second.

“She shall be named Luna, and she shall be my sister.”

Luna? … Who the fuck is Luna?

You aren’t Luna! Don’t pretend that you are!

Time passes by as Celestia watches Luna grow. She feels happy about it, but isn’t quite sure how to respond. And I’ve got to admit, it is nice seeing this brutal warrior slowly transforming into the Celestia many fans have come to admire and love. Known for her kindness and compassion rather than her abilities in combat. Not saying she can’t be kickass, but in my eyes, that’s not Celestia’s first option when dealing with a problem.

She’s still got a long way to go, but then again, so does the story. So let’s keep going.

“But... how am I suppose to handle this?” She approached the chamber and knelt down, bringing Herself as close to the head of Her sister as possible. “Um, if you can hear me... I’m sorry for treating you like a subject. I mean, after all, you are my... sister, I guess. But... well, there’s nothing much I can do while you grow, and rushing the process may expose you to potential corruption, and I can’t let that happen.” She closed Her eyes and hung Her head. “That’s what happened to some of my sons in the past, although they fell in different ways... you won’t know them, hopefully; it was not pleasant in the slightest.” Pleasant doesn’t even begin to describe it. “But you shall not be like them; I shall teach you kindness, and generosity.

But not honesty, loyalty, laughter, or magic. Those ponies totally suck ass.

Ah, your hatred for me fuels my soul.

Somehow, during Luna’s last stages before birth, she is able to conjurer enough power to move the moon close to the planet, causing the tides to shift. And she’s still technically in the womb. That is one nasty kick, kid. Celestia has to restart the life of the crustaceans all over again, but it is a small setback since she can just create them whenever she wants.

Luna is eventually born and things seem to be turning out okay… Until, Celestia realizes how difficult motherhood (Older sister-motherhood?) truly is.

“Shh, Shh. Your sister is here for you, please stop crying. Please.” Luna would not listen, her tears dripping down the sides of the Empress’ armor. “Maybe there’s some way to cheer you up...” What do mothers do when trying to cheer up children?... Sing, that could work... But I don’t think I know of any songs. She shifted through Her memories before coming to one She had learned from viewing the memories of a psyker sacrificed to Her during Her time on the Throne. ... No, that won’t work; I doubt she’ll know what a Land Raider is, much less why someone would spend all day crushing heretics with it. She frowned and continued thinking while Luna’s crying got louder.

But she does manage to get Luna calmed down with a song that maybe some of you might have heard of before…

“Hush now, Quiet now,

It’s time to lay your sleepy head.

Hush now, Quiet now,

It’s time to go to bed.” Luna stopped crying, blinking slowly as the Empress continued.

“Drifting off to sleep,

The exciting day behind you.

Drifting off to sleep,

Let the joy of dreamland find you.” Luna’s eyes began to close and she snuggled into the crook of the Empress’ foreleg.

“Hush now, Quiet now,

It’s time to lay your sleepy head.

Hush now, Quiet now,

It’s time to go to bed...” the Empress stopped when She heard the sound of snoring. Luna fluttered her wings and snuggled closer to Her chest, a small line of drool running from her mouth. “Sleep well, Luna.” Philomena returned to the Empress’ shoulder and chirped.

You know I’m against singing in a written story, but… I’m do make exceptions.

Celestia figures that Luna shouldn’t have to address her as the Grand Empress of the Universe or whatever (Why not? We all do. When have we ever needed to call her that? How are you in my thoughts?!), so he decides that he’d best come up with a name.

How about Chelestia?

… Yeah, you’re right. Too stupid.

Everything seems to be running smoothly for the story and our heroines, but like all good things, it must all come to an end. With this line…

“Yay!” Luna latched on to Celestia’s leg once more. “I have the bestest big sister in the world!” Celestia sighed again and stepped out into the forest, Luna letting go and walking after Her. “So, you you ever see anything really amazing when you do all your walking around and stuff?”

That’s it! Game over! Fic irredeemable! Thumbs down! Party on!

…

…

You guys are never going to fall for that one, are you?

Celestia begins to spend more time with Luna, only to find that Luna has typical needs for a filly of her age.

“Tia, I’m hungry.”

“Tia, I have to go to the bathroom.”

“Tia! There’s a snake looking at me!” the filly cried. Celestia's ears perked up a little. Snakes were not much of a threat to Her, but Luna was still young, relatively speaking, and not as strong as She was.

“What does it look like?” there was a pause.

“It’s all green and snake-y!” I thought I taught her how to describe animals better than that...

Perhaps I missed something.

“That kind of snake won’t hurt you.”

“Yes it will!”

“Tia, I’m tired.”

I like how this perfectly describes every mother’s trip to the supermarket ever.

“I wanted to spend time with my big sister, but you’re only looking at the scenery and stuff. Can you tell me a story?” That’s new, Celestia thought. She’s never asked for a story before.

Oooh, tell her about the time you were a psychotic, angry murderer who killed a bunch of gods and then bathed in their blood. I’m sure that will be good for a child to hear.

“Fine, fine.” Celestia stepped over a fallen tree and began Her story. “Once there was a man-”

I WAS KIDDING!

“A what?”

“A... pony, a colt.”

“What’s a colt?” Luna asked.

“It’s a male pony.”

“Why aren’t there any around here?”

Because then we’d have several hundred thousand ponies running around, who want to stick their dicks in you. And then they’d write about it on their blogs. Fun times for me…

So, Celestia begins her story about a pony who was tasked to bring friendship to this other group of ponies. And for a time the succeeded, until they meet up with a group called the Tau. Now, the Tau wanted peace at the time and eventually it was to be earned, but then a third group called the Genestealers sabotaged the summit and caused the two groups to fight one another. The stallion and a member of the Inquisition killed the Genestealer leader and … that’s it…

Well, what did you think?

Luna: No offense, but I liked the one with the seven dwarves better.

Ungrateful brat!

Luna requests a much better story for next time when the two are suddenly attacked by little green men. Well.. sort of…

They were not exactly tall, the largest only coming up to Celestia’s chest, and they were covered in green feathers. They had clawed hands and feet, with the second toe-claw being larger than the others, and they hissed at the two sisters, revealing jaws filled with razor-sharp teeth. Celestia raised Her sword, energy crackling as She swung upward, and She pulled Luna closer to Her.

Hmm… why do I get a resemblance to Jurassic Park here? Could it be that the author is some kind of Jurassic Park fan? Pfft, that’d be like a reviewer making pointless Fire Emblem references, because he likes Fire Emblem.

I would make a pot and kettle joke, but we all know it would fly over your head.

What does that even mean?!

So, after the fight, in which Celestia brutally kills these creatures in a kind of badass way, we then cut back to Canterlot, I guess to give Cadance a purpose.

“Wait, a few million years? How old are you?”

“Twilight, you know you shouldn’t ask ponies that.” Cadance said, lightly flicking Twilight with her wing.

See? Cadance is teaching Twilight a valuable lesson about asking personal questions.

“Now, Luna didn’t venture very far after that incident, but she was still very curious about how the world worked. Several times I found her trying to sneak into the genetics lab to make something, but I think she got bored of that after awhile. I have to say, it was a fairly peaceful existence...”

Which means, that most likely, something bad is about to happen. Oh, boy. I can’t wait to see what new nightmares Twilight gets.

Celestia wakes up to Luna screaming. Told you she’d have nightmares.

No, it’s actually Luna screaming about a mark appearing on her flank that won’t come off. Yes, Luna, it’s natural for a mark like that to appear. Now, let me know the name of the stallion who put it there and I’ll make a mark on his body appear with my magic chainsaw.

Actually, it’s Luna’s cutie mark that finally appearing. Celestia isn’t sure how it appeared or why it is there, but she assumed it had something to do with the Warp. But Luna thinks it’s something completely different.

“No, it won’t come to that. But still... Luna, I would like to sample some of your fur, and maybe if you could use some of your Warp Energy-”

“You mean magic?” The filly asked, causing Celestia to blink in confusion.

“... What?”

“Magic. That’s what I’ve always called it.”

“Luna, utilizing the Warp is not magic. Magic is just a mess of illusions and slights-of-hand; utilising the Warp is actually bending reality to your will, crafting and creating things that most mortals wouldn’t be able to comprehend as long as they lived.”

Hmm… So what you’re saying is… that friendship is magic? But magic is illusions? … I am so bagging this in my ‘Friendship is bullshit’ pile

Little known fact about this fic, Lauren Faust was going to name the show Friendship is Warp Energy. And Mykan would have been happier for it.

Celestia wants to run some tests on Luna to figure out how this mark appeared. But Philomena seems to have an answer.

She heard a chirp and saw Philomena land on Her shoulder. “Do you have any idea what’s wrong with Luna?” she asked the phoenix. Philomena tilted her head to one side an chirped again “... Adolescence? I suppose that is a theory... I’ll have to confirm it once there are more ponies to study.”

So, how exactly did Philomena come up with that theory? It only happened twice. A third time I might have believed it. … And technically, it only happened once because Celestia had her’s when he got there!

Celestia then decides to turn her attention elsewhere, I guess she’s distracted easily, saying that she is grown soft on her combat skills and tactical mind. So, she invents a game that will surely increase both. The Knife game.

Actually, it’s chess, but to me there is no difference. Either way, I’m losing blood.

It is not my fault you are a sore loser.

Luna wants to learn how to play and apparently, so does the audience cause we get to learn, step by step how to play the game of chess.

“Now, this game is a bit complicated for beginners, so pay attention.” Celestia raised the smallest of the pieces, a lightly armored pony wielding a small spear. “This is a Guardspony, your most basic unit. He may move only one square at a time in a straight line, but he may attack another piece diagonally.” Luna blinked a few times before nodding. Celestia set that piece down and pulled out one of the boxy things. “This is a Tank. It may move as far as it wants, but only in horizontal and vertical lines.”

“Why do I have eight of the first ponies but only two of these?” Luna asked.

“Because Guardsponies are expendable, tanks are not. Now,” Celestia produced a second pony, this one clad in heavy armor and armed with a large sword. “This is a Marine. Marines move two spaces and one space to either side, and they can do so in any direction. They may also jump over opposing pieces if they so desire.” She moved the piece slightly to emphasize Her point. “Next are your Chaplains; like Tanks they may move as far as they want, but only on diagonals. Then, there is the Primarch.” She lifted one of the larger figures, an impressive Pegasus in finely crafted armor with a large hammer as a weapon. “The Primarch is the strongest piece in the game; he may move as far as he wants in any direction he wants. And finally, there is this.” Celestia picked up the final piece, an alicorn armored similar to the Primarch. “This is the Emperor. Should he be taken the game will end.”

“Why does it have to be a colt?”

“I’m sorry?”

“Why can’t it be a filly? Can’t it be an Empress?” Celestia was silent for a moment.

“I... I suppose so. Anyway, the Emperor may move in any direction he... she wants, but only one square at a time. There are a few other rules, but I will teach you those once you have practiced a little.”

“Okay.” Luna pushed a few of the pieces with her hooves before looking back up at her sister. “Can I go first?”

“Well... normally white goes first. But I thought you would enjoy playing as black since-”And now you know how to play chess… Thank god for fucking that!

And then we get into some foreshadowing which is handled well, but I can’t help but feel we’ve seen this kind of foreshadowing before in the story. It’s not bad, but I just hope that this kind of foreshadowing doesn’t go overboard.

“Luna,” Celestia’s face hardened slightly “Should you ever be in a situation such as that, you must remember that your enemies do not play by rules. There will be times that they will be more numerous than you, stronger than you, and more intelligent than you. You must never lose faith in your own abilities, for there lies temptation and falling to Chaos.”

“How?”

“Say somepony was smarter than you, and you got jealous. Now, a normal pony would go and study, devoting their time to texts and knowledge to learn what the others were better at. However, some would think themselves too inadequate to gain such intelligence, so they looked for other ways to become the other’s equal. They make deals, commit rituals, ask favors for intelligence. They swore allegiance to powers that they could not hope to control, all in the name of something that could be easily gained. In the end, they gain their intelligence, but their mind lies shattered and their soul forfeit to the Dark Gods."

“I’d never do anything like that!”

“I hope so.”

Again, it’s not bad, but it does raise my alertness of it. We had seen this before in the brief scene with Horus and now we’re getting it here. I get that those are two completely different characters, but the result is the same. So, I’m going to be judging future foreshadowing that’s similar much harsher.

The game continues until Luna is able to promote one of her units and defeat Celestia at her own game.

Yes, Luna won her first chess game, against a seasoned veteran. I’ve got my mary-sue sticker ready to go!

Celestia takes Luna into her genetics lab and wants to see if Luna can use her brilliant mind to create something. Luna fiddles around with it, with Celestia’s guidance, and manages to create a Griffon.

The device beeped and out came a small animal, about half the size of Luna. It was avian in appearance, yet it contained the hind legs of a lion. The chick blinked at Luna and chirped, fluttering its wings slightly before standing up.

“Congratulations, Luna.” Celestia said. “You have just created a Griffon.”

Griffon: Kill me! Kill me! My body … it hurts!

Celestia: Oh, get over it!

Time passes by with Luna growing older and become less of a filly and more of a teenager.

“Yes.” Celestia produced a genetic manipulator, three different strands of DNA displayed on the screen. “I suppose you know what this is.” Luna leaned in for a closer look.

“It looks like your genetic code but... modified, with a few things removed.”

“Exactly. I think it’s time that there were more ponies in the world.” Luna raised an eyebrow in surprise.

Luna: It’s about fucking time, sis! I can only get it from dragons for so long!

Celestia: But they are the only way to stop a flaming vagina.

Luna thinks that they should guide ponies into their future, but Celestia thinks that they should be able to survive on their own without the need for them. Luna still thinks that her way is better, but agrees with Celestia for the time being. Celestia then gives Luna a suit of armor to protect her in case she is attacked.

Something to note about this story so far is… There’s not really anything to gain from Celestia doing these things. Sure, it’s about the origin of the entire world, but there’s not much reason for Celestia to create this world. Not much incentive. I guess if you have the ability to play God, you would, but it just seems strange that she would create an entirely new world, rather than try to find her way home and change himself back into his normal self. Maybe it’s impossible, but he gave up pretty damn quickly as well.

There’s nothing for Celestia to really looking to gain. She’s not really doing it to satisfy a personal reason. She’s doing it because… the story demands it. Maybe the loneliness was getting to her or something, but it never really showed that since almost a few minutes after she arrived, she was planning on building a new world and civilization.

Anyway, we’ve still got a lot of story to get through. So, let’s move on.

The world begins sprouting with life as Celestia continues to pump out pony after pony. It’s like Pony RP’ing all over again.

However, the three tribes of ponies, the Unicorns, the Pegasi and the Earth Ponies begin to bicker and fight amongst themselves. Celestia is, understandably, upset at this, but refuses to do anything since she wanted the ponies to solve their own problems. Celestia and Luna then discover that a group of creatures have broken into their world, I guess, and have brought forth winter with them.

Celestia figures that she needs to break into the Warp once more and defeat these mysterious creatures. She suggests a conduit to summon a portal there, but Luna is against it since that might require a pony sacrifice.

Why not? They could just pop one out of their machine whenever the fuck they wanted. No risk. So what if they built a life for themselves? Made friends? Had a family? With kids?

Celestia claims she would never stoop that low and Luna comes up with an idea. Since the creatures are made from malice and hatred, a creature or creatures of equal kindness and love might be able to form a portal for her to defeat them. Makes as much sense as half the show’s logic.

Celestia discovers, however, that the creatures are drawn to the ponies of her land and their dispute with one another. She approaches a pony named Private Pansy who explains that many of the Pegasi are blamed for the snowstorm that is destroying their land. When Celestia asks if that was true, Pansy explains that the snowstorm simply appeared and that most Pegasi blame the unicorns since they have little understanding of magic.

Celestia tells Pansy that she needs to balls up.

“Well... He’s a bit stubborn, and doesn’t like change all that much. He listens to me, sometimes, but most times I feel like he ignores me.”

“Then you need to make yourself more apparent. Be assertive, but not too pushy.” Pansy shuffled around, but did not want to seem like she was panicking.

A quote that has gotten me through most of my life!

That explains so much.

Pansy is grateful for Celestia’s help and asks if there is anything she can do to repay her. Celestia is at first confused, since most people she knows just scream in anger about ‘Getting things done!’ And it’s really the first time she’s interacted with ponies outside of Luna.

With that, Celestia gives Pansy the gift… of kindness? Um… I’m confused… Was she not kind and this was just given to her? Or did you mean, she represents kindness?

“I give you the Gift of Kindness: You will care for and protect those that are in need. Selfishness and greed are your enemies, and you will follow the goodness of your heart in everything you do. Hold fast to your friends, for they will help you in ways that you cannot yet imagine.”

Aren’t the enemies of kindness, cruelty and disdain? At least, that’s what people call me when they call me ‘unkind’.

We then cut to the other five who are given different elements based on what they’ve done in the past and the good they’ve spread, despite the fact that the three races want to tear each other’s throats out.

While kind of neat, I don’t really see why these scenes are necessary to reinforce that they personify the qualities of the respective characters they play in the… well… play! These scenes could honestly be cut out of the story and you’d barely notice. The only thing it really gives us is some backstory to them. Not that it matters much, since the story is more focused on Luna and Celestia. After this bit, they’re never seen again.

Not to mention that the personalities they have are just copy-paste from the main six anyway.

However, one piece of dialogue did make me chuckle, with the gift of hindsight.

“How do I see myself?” Cookie paused, resting her head on one hoof as she thought. “Well... to be honest, a lot of ponies, especially the ones I study with, don’t like me all that much. Can’t say I blame them; I use insults, I scream a lot, and... well, when I get really angry, I start... swearing.”

And this is why I’m perfect for the Element of Honesty.

So, finally, after meeting everyone, we finally get to the scene in the Hearth’s Warming episode where the Windigos are about to finish off our heroes.

Clover the Clever receives a vision from Celestia and helps her find the magic of friendship. Oh, I’m sorry, the Warp Energies. After the group defeats the Windigos, they are forced back into the Warp, where Celestia battles and finishes them off.

Ah, so the answer here was actually violent. Friendly violence.

But then Twilight tells it like it is…

“That’s not how it happened.” Twilight said.

I have to agree with Twilight. There wasn’t enough realism in this scene. The original story, where a group of ice monsters spirits froze the land with their vaguely explained powers by feeding of mistrust of the three races of multicolored talking horses, was much more real than the story with the human who gets transformed into a pony.

After that, ponies begin to become more united under one banner and begin to prosper. However, things begin to get weird when, you guessed it…

Celestia and Luna investigate the strange goings in Equestria, when they find a creature they’ve never seen before. Celestia is confused since demons are more menacing and destructive, where this one is more of a prankster than a destroyer of worlds.

Which makes sense, if you kill off the butt of your joke, who are you going to prank? That’s why I haven’t killed Celestia yet.

The creature, who you all can pretty much guess is Discord, claims that he’s just livening up the place, because he thinks it’s boring.

“Corrupt? Me?” the creature laughed. “This isn’t corrupting; this is just me trying to liven the place up. To be very honest, it’s kinda boring around here.”

Okay… I honestly expect Discord to know what I’m going to say before I say it.

“Eh, it was good while it lasted.” the creature teleported back to his throne “Suppose I should introduce myself, right? You can call me Discord... or John, but I prefer Discord.”

And while you’re at it, call Twilight, ‘Tara’. Rainbow Dash and Applejack ‘Ashleigh’ and Cheese Sandwich ‘Al’!

Celestia, having enough of Discord’s shit, attacks him with everything she has. However, unlike most of the enemies Celestia has ever fought, Discord seems disinterested in fighting back, preferring to avoid and insult.

However, after getting his ass kicked, Discord decides that, “Yeah, I’ll fight you!” And the two go at it. Discord manages to wound Luna by ripping her fucking wing out of her back during the fight, (Okay, he just snaps his fingers and makes it disappear. No mess.) and Celestia is forced to retreat to save her sister.

Celestia uses a machine to regrow Luna’s lost limb, and yet Scootaloo still can’t fly (At least as far as season 4) and Derpy is still handicapped. Worst Princess Ever.

As Luna recovers with her new bionic wing (I guess we call this Metal-wingboner), Celestia begins to wonder how they would defeat Discord. Suddenly, the images of the past representations of the Elements of Harmony show up in Celestia’s head. Not sure how that works, but whatever.

Bottomline, they tell Celestia that their gifts they had years ago might be strong enough to battle Discord. They approach Discord and to make a really long confrontation short, they manage to turn Discord into stone, but Discord puts one last thought into Luna’s mind before he goes.

“I suppose you get full credit and poor Luna will just have to stay-” Discord said, but his words were cut off as his head was petrified. The statue of Discord hung in space for a moment before plummeting to the ground. Before he hit the ground, the rainbow that had turned him to stone flattened and exploded into a disk, all traces of corruption dissolving into dust as it rushed over the world. Luna and Celestia were wreathed in energy, their eyes and horn glowing bright as the powers of Harmony flowed through them.

Soon, the power left and everything returned to normal. Celestia and Luna landed, dismissing the necklaces and tiara as they did. Luna looked around before speaking. “Looks better, although the castle is still pink.”

“That can be fixed.”

“I suppose...” Luna paused for a moment. “Sister, what Discord said, about you taking-”

“Don’t tell me you actually listened to that monster?”

“Well...”

“Luna, I will always remember you and never take credit for your accomplishments. I am not that kind of pony.”

“I know... I’m sorry for doubting you, sister.” Celestia smiled and turned, preparing to head back to their shelter, but caught Herself before tripping over a pony. The pony was bowing down before Her, quivering in fear, and Celestia saw that many other ponies were doing the same.

The ponies finally meet Celestia and Luna for the first time and instantly cheer for them and beg them to lead them into the future. However, they praise Celestia and name her princess of their land. Luna is happy for her sister… However, a voice comes and talks to Luna about Celestia taking all the credit for herself.

Luna ignores this and doesn’t tell her sister about it. … … … No comment.

Celestia and Luna build a castle and promise to lead the ponies into a better tomorrow. Starting with an army to defend the borders.

“Before anyone asks me,” Celestia said “My sister and I shall take neither mate or lover; our first devotion is to Equestria, and to place anypony before the nation would compromise our leadership.” She smiled slightly when She saw most of the colts in the front slink off to the back, muttering something that She could not hear. She turned Her attention back to the group at large. “Now, is there anything else I can answer?”

Yes, could you explain the slew of fan fictions that put you in such situations?

Celestia: They are mostly there to keep that fan fiction reviewer that nopony likes in his little corner where he can’t hurt anyone.

Ah, good move. Good move.

Oh, and guess what? Shining Armor is now here to listen to the story. Because why the fuck not?

Again, no reason why he is here, except to make a pointless nod to the wedding episode. Again, what the hell?!

So, we get back to the only thing that’s important, the actual story! Where Luna and Celestia are building their army, Celestia realizing that their army is kind of shit.

“You would think that, Luna, but these ponies are no more organized than your standard band of peasant militia. No assigned ranks, no standardized weapons, not even a decent uniform.” She sighed.

With their advanced technology and Celestia military prowess, things go smoothly for the army and Celestia is able to turn them into a fighting force. Unicorns use their horns to wield weapons while Earth Ponies and Pegasi wear helmets that simulate horns. I don’t see any of that shit nowadays! Maybe I would be so bitter if Celestia kept all the best stuff to herself!

However, two ponies keep the army from being their best. Ponies named Dawn Sparkle and Firefly. These two are fighting with each other and bringing their troops down and Celestia has some very choice words about it.

“Silence. I am going to say this once; you two are a threat to my army’s integrity and coherence, and if you do not bury your rivalry this instant, I will kill you both with my bare hooves and let somepony else take your position. Do I make myself clear?” there was silence, the two mares looking uneasily at one another. “Answer my question.”

Jesus, lady! Wouldn’t you want to try striping them of their rank and dismissing them first?! I knew Celestia was a psychotic, but I thought it’d been a couple thousand years since she was her angry bitchy self?! Seriously, what the fucking hell?!

Luna, however, is actually on my side on this.

“Don’t you think that was a bit harsh?” Celestia turned and saw Luna approaching “They just needed discipline, not death threats.”

“You would be surprised how one can pull themselves together when faced with death. Besides, I allowed rivalries like that to go unaddressed for so long during my previous reign they sparked a civil war; consider this cutting the head off a snake before it has the chance to strike.”

“But then it also could foster resentment amongst the commanders.”

“I expect my commanders and generals to respect me and take orders; I don’t expect them to like me.”

“Risky plan, sister. I hope you know what you are doing.”

Uh, no. She fucking lost it. Pure and simple! Dismissing someone is one thing! Cold blooded killing is entirely another!

Fortunately, Celestia’s not the only one losing it as Luna watching Celestia training her troops brings the voice in her head back. It tells Luna that Celestia doesn’t care about her, blah, blah, blah and once again, Luna pushes it from her mind.

Celestia then approaches Luna realizing that many commanders in her army don’t like Celestia, because let’s face it, she’s a bitch. Whereas Luna’s compassion is more welcome in the army and accepted, while still doing what needs to be done. So, Celestia gives her full control over the army and allows Luna to do with her troops whatever she feels is necessary.

And just in time too, because the Diamond Dogs are moving in the south. And as you recall from Dakari’s fics, Diamond Dogs are invincible. The God Emperor doesn’t stand a chance.

Fourteen Legions had been selected to face the Diamond Dogs; fourteen-thousand ponies began marching towards the Badlands, led by Celestia and Luna. Thousands of ponies waited for them on the path towards the contested territory, cheering as their Empress, Her Warmistress, and Her Legions marched onwards to defeat the enemy. Luna seemed to enjoy the crowds, and Celestia was happy to see Her sister’s mood improving.

Because nothing makes people happier than a fucking war!

And now, the story doesn’t just give us the representation of the characters, it downright gives us the main six.

Ah’ve lived mah whole life out here, more’r less.” the mare answered. "Mah Daddy always said the desert kinda mocks ya, since ya think there’s somethin’ out there when there ain’t. Ah’ve gotten used ta it.”

“I see... Apologies, but I don’t think I asked your name.”

“Name’s Applejack.” the Legionnaire said, giving a polite nod. “Ah’m in charge of the Plainsrunners... guess ya already knew that.”

So, when exactly does this part of the fic take place? Because this is fucking confusing! Piece of advice to writers, don’t name a character similar to another character in a story. It gets too fucking confusing when you refer to them. It’s made more so, when they share the same fucking name!

Applejack explains how she was captured as a little girl by the Diamond Dogs and how she probably would have died a slave, if not for a mysterious hero who saved her and killed a horde of Diamond Dogs.

Uh, I call hacks! There is no way anyone can just beat Diamond Dogs! After all, they beat the superior Starfleet Magic!

Celestia reveals this information to Luna and Luna explains that she already knows this.

“... What do you mean, ‘you know’?”

“I was the one who killed her captors.” Luna replied, as if it were a rather minor fact.

Hmm… I always knew she had Mary-Sue qualities about her.

And to make this scene even better, we have our soldiers contemplating suicide.

“Forests get dark.” Firefly said. “And... well, we kind of got off on the wrong hoof, so I wanted to see if I could make up for that.”

“I’m sure you can. However, I do not wish you to do something stupid; you are a commander, after all, and your example is reflected on your unit as a whole.”

“I promise that I will not do anything irrational. If I do, you may execute me in any way you so wish.”

“I will hold you to that. Wait until the cover of darkness before you move out.”

See? This is what happens when you threaten your soldiers! You make them think they’re not worth keeping alive! And yes, I realize in a war that people die on both sides, but they shouldn’t WANT to die! There’s a difference between being prepared to die and just wanting to cut your own head off yourself!

Firefly and the Wonderbolts begins their nightly watch of the area when they scout too far from their camp and find a Diamond Dog prison. Which oddly enough, is not used to imprison Diamond Dogs.

The group end up attacking the Diamond Dog guards and manage to free the ponies. Rather than going back and getting Celestia and telling her what they know, Firefly decides to battle the Diamond Dogs herself. Where we see that Firefly is fucking unstable…

“Nice eyes,” She said, raising her sword slightly. “Be a shame if anything bad happened.” She looked towards Rolling Thunder, who looked back at her in confusion. Taking that as a sign to go ahead, she flicked the point of the gladius into the Diamond Dog’s eye, the creature screaming as steel pierced soft tissue.

“Firefly, are you insane?!” Rolling Thunder hissed.

“What? He needed motivation to talk.”

“You can’t just go about torturing things, even if they hurt other ponies.”

“And since when did you become the moral judge?” Firefly turned to the wounded Diamond Dog, aiming the sword at the Dog’s good eye. “Now, would you like to go two-for-two?”

Jesus, fuck, who does she think she is?! Jack fucking Bauer?! Did Celestia not teach them about prisoners of war? Proper ethics to an enemy who has surrendered? Anything?!

Fortunately, one of the ponies speaks up, but only to promise not to tell Celestia if she promises not to do it again. Well, this can only end in good! Also, spoilers, this amounts to nothing. So this pointless torture… was just that… pointless.

The group manage to sneak inside the Diamond Dog cavern and see the prisoners in cages and a dozen Diamond Dogs guarding them. They choose a pony named Pinkie Pie to distract them.

“I can see why you chose Surprise to come with us.” Rolling Thunder said.

“She and I grew up together.” Firefly said, collecting any discarded weapons the Dogs left behind. “I think she enjoyed sweets a bit more than what is normal for a pony.”

Oh, I’m sorry… Surprise… Because that’s totally nothing like Pinkie Pie. And yes, I know Gen 1 and that other shit, but it’s still doesn’t excuse Applejack!

Fortunately, Surprise has the same personality as Pinkie Pie and manages to distract the Diamond Dogs while the others rescue the civilians. During the chase, Pinkie Pie manages to bring them back to them straight to them. The group fight them off and end up capturing some of them.

Meanwhile, Celestia in her meditation is served some tea by one of her servants, who she realizes is terrified of her. Celestia believes that if she is truly to earn everypony’s respect than she needs to be a lot nicer.

And I shouldn’t dog on this, but how was threatening them with death not working?! It seemed to work for Rainbow Dash and Twilight Sparkle!

Firefly’s group returns with Diamond Dogs as prisoners and bring them to Celestia. Celestia asks why the Diamond Dogs are taking prisoners and the dogs explain that they are protecting ponies from a nearby dragon.

Celestia doesn’t buy his bullshit and when she threatens him, the dog explains that his boss told them to collect ponies, declaring them as weak. Well, at least it’s a step up from the amount of torture the first guy went through.

Celestia plans to investigate the dragon while Luna stays behind and listen to the voices in her head. Again, not even bothering to tell someone, ‘Hey, is it normal to have this voice in my head that whispers dark temptations to me?”

I mean, if this had been developed due to Luna’s jealousy that was already present, that would be one thing. But this is making Luna jealous instead of her own anger and frustration and someone taking advantage of it. Hell, Luna gives perfectly legitimate reasons why she doesn’t turn to the dark side.

She’s not even angry over anything. The only reason she ends up being is because the voice tells her to be. This is something I hate about the Nightmare Moon thing. They say it’s because Luna was possessed by a demon. Okay, fair enough, but the demon wouldn’t have gotten to her, if those feelings weren’t strong in the first place. If her anger towards Celestia wasn’t there, wasn’t developed, wasn’t nurtured by her, the demon would not have taken advantage of her.

This could be differing of opinions, but if you’re going to go this route, have it make sense why it goes this route.

Anyway, Celestia enters the desert and finds the dragon. However, unlike the Windigos from before, the dragon seems to be more open to communication. He explains he is not dangerous and doesn’t care for the war of ponies and dogs.

However, the dragon explains that the dogs have a group digging south of them and they don’t have a fortress to hide in. Celestia figures it’s a good time to attack since their enemy is weak.

They begin forming their strategy, during which they are able to capture a group of Diamond Dog spies. They plan to trade one of them to use as a bargaining chip for the others. They execute the rest.

Celestia manages to gain an audience with the Diamond Dog leader and when she fails to get her ponies back, the war begins.

The battle switches back and forth between different characters and honestly, it happens a bit too often for my taste. Lengthening each part out into different chapters focusing on a central character would have helped and give the battle a great length if the fight is supposed to be going on for a while. But keeping a few quiet moments as the characters absorb everything around them before their minds click back into chaos.

Not that the fight scenes aren’t good, it’s just it hops around quite a bit.

To make a long, but entertaining fight scene short, Equestria manages to defeat the Diamond Dogs and slay their leader.

They return home, but Luna is a bit upset about the whole thing, since they are calling Celestia a war hero and barely give Luna the time of day.

“That’s another thing,” Luna said. “I don’t like it how ponies act as if I am not here. A simple ‘hello’ would suffice, but no, they seem overly fond of you.”

“Oh don’t complain about that, Luna; they appreciate you in their own way, it’s just that my status as Empress can be a little overbearing.”

“But I am your Warmistress. You said ponies would respect me in the same way they respect you.”

Oh, Luna… Just relax… You’ll never be as good as Celestia. It’s okay.

Luna says she would like a little more respect from her subjects, but Celestia says that it will happen with time. Something happens in Fillidelphia that Celestia needs to attend, but Luna says she wants to do it. Celestia forbids it, saying that Luna isn’t experienced enough to handle it, but Luna makes a really good point.

“But how am I supposed to learn if you go and take up anything that may present a challenge to me?”

“I don’t want to just drop you into a situation that you could not handle; the best method is to ease you into this so that you do not overreact under stress and do something irrational.” Again, Luna's scowl returned

Well, up yours too, Celestia.

Oh, I kid. This might be an overprotective thing, which I do like. I like to see Celestia in Pre-Nightmare Moon be a bit less of the pony than what we normally associate with. She’s a bit more arrogant and a bit selfish at times, but still maintains a good heart, even if she doesn’t always use it. Here, it seems like Celestia’s heart is in the right place, even if she is a bit blinded by the limelight and her warrior-like nature. A nature that would prevent her from showing the things that present day Celestia would show.

But enough about that, let’s get back to making fun of this story.

Celestia ends the argument with basically saying “The Fans like me more! Nah-nan-nan-nan-na-na!” Before wandering off. And it’s here that the voice seems more appropriate to pay Luna a visit, since her trust for Celestia is already starting to slip.

But we’ll come back to that. We cut over to Celestia in the Fillidelphia where some strange goings-ons are… um… going on. The soldiers explain that ponies and livestock have disappeared and then returned… Only when they do return they seem cold and distant.

A hyper violent Fluttershy? … You know, I find that hot…

Note: Become hyper violent.

What was that?

Nothing.

Celestia orders the city evacuated until they can discover what’s going on. Unfortunately, Celestia doesn’t examine one of the victims for… I don’t know… chaos magic? Anything?

Anyway, we then cut back to Luna who is finally having her little conversations with herself and I’ve to say, this makes no sense having this scene here. Oh, I do like the scene since it gives Luna a chance to get more spiteful of Celestia and begin her transformation, but I don’t like it HERE. It makes much more sense to have it happen immediately after Celestia left. Since she’s in a mentally weakened state, due to her anger and frustration.

But that’s just me. Luna and her imaginary friend talk about how Celestia was a brutal dictator who murdered her sons by being distant from them.

No you don’t; your beloved sister, whom you place so much trust in, was once a brutal dictator that drove her sons into rebellion. She had them slain in cold blood, completely cut off from their pleas and suffering.

No, that’s not true... that can’t be true... Celestia would never-

Look past the delusions, you know that what I say is the truth.

I would defend Celestia here, but let’s face it, beyond what we see with Luna, Celestia isn’t that much better. She’s still kind of a psychotic, angry bitch. Hell, even in present day, she almost took of Twilight’s head for wanting to say hello. I hate to say this, but I’m starting to agree with evil voice in Luna’s head.

Luna thinks that maybe it she can take more responsibility, Celestia will be less likely to go mad. Luna, I think that ship has long since sailed.

Back to Celestia, her troops manage to find a group of creatures that can take on the appearances of others. I know I’ve seen those in the MLP lore… but what do you call something that can change into something else?

Shape-shifter?

Modifier?

Transformer?

… I think it was Transformer.

Anyway, the Transformers manage to get away, but Celestia prepares herself for an inevitable attack. She manages to contact Luna and explains the situation to her and says that if Luna can find a spell that can reveal who they really are, it would be helpful. Luna asks if she can take on more responsibility, but Celestia dismisses it. Much to Luna’s dismay.

After which, Luna realizes that Celestia is kind of a bitch and really always has been.

As evidence by the invasion force that the Changelings are facing that are leagues behind them. Kind of hard to relate to a fighting force that is miles above the enemy. The Changelings explain that this land was their before Equestria invaded and took it for themselves. Celestia doesn’t believe it, because why would she, and attacks them when they don’t surrender.

During the battle, Celestia pins down the creature and rather than sympathizing with her… kind of laughs at her expense…

“Just a simple mental probe; I was able to peek into your mind and learn everything I wanted to know. I knew of an entire race that was more skilled at such tricks, but you wouldn’t know of my previous travels would you, Metamorpha of the Changelings?” Celestia’s opponent’s eyes shrank to pinpoints. “Oh, something the matter? Don’t like other ponies mentioning your name?”

“I-I...”

“That’s not all I know. I also know that your entire motivation is based off of lies and deception. It took me a bit of effort, but I learned a very interesting bit of information: you and your brethren were created by Discord, shortly before I disposed of him.”

“You’re... you’re lying!”

“I rarely lie.” Celestia smirked. “Although from your reaction, it seems that you did not know this to be true. Possibly a mental block either on Discord’s behalf or yours. Although, I imagine that it would be traumatizing, to know that your entire life is merely a charade made up by corrupted forces for their own amusement.”

“Shut up.”

“You are little more than a construct, plodding along according to a mental suggestion: no free will, no way to determine who you really are, and it has turned you into a parasite.”

“Shut up!”

“You have no power to speak of, and I know that you and your forces are doomed. And here you are, wrapped up in your belief in having what you feel is yours when in reality you cannot claim descent from anything.”

“SHUT UP!” Metamorpha fired a spell at Celestia, green energy sparking off Her armor and pain stabbing into Her limbs. “You’re trying to destabilize me, throw me off guard so I’ll make a mistake.”

“You made a mistake when you decided it would be a good idea to fight me.” Celestia began to draw in more power. Her bonds glowed with energy, and the power limiters kicked in and nearly drained Her, but She pressed on and drew in more power, energy crackling around her and her horn glowing bright. “You see me as an average pony, that I am just another charismatic and delusional ruler. But you are mistaken.” There was an explosion of power as Celestia broke free of Metamorpha’s spell. She rose into the air, reactivating Her sword and raising it over Her head.

“I am more than just a pony; I am only four words away from being a true goddess.” Celestia dove towards Metamorpha, sweeping Her sword towards the changeling queen’s head. Metamorpha attempted to dodge, but she clipped Celestia’s armor in her attempt to escape. There was an explosion as Celestia struck the masonry beneath Her, sending stones and Her opponent flying. Celestia drew in more power and a wall of fire enveloped the citadel, temperatures rising to levels that would have killed lesser beings.

“You are nothing!” Celestia bellowed, Her voice echoing over the city. “You are no more than a child lashing out against forces you could never understand! I am the Bane of Chaos, the Anathema, the Light of the Immaterium and Beacon for all whom travel its currents! I am the Empress of Ponykind, the mightiest being to have ever walked the land, and I shall smite you and purge your pathetic race from this earth for daring to challenge my power!” Celestia landed, advancing towards the fallen form of Metamorpha. The changeling queen tried to pull herself back up on her hooves, but Celestia stopped that by pinning Metamorpha to the ground with a hoof. She raised Her sword and swung, a single stroke being enough to sever Her enemy’s wing. For her part Metamorpha did not react, instead glaring up at Celestia.

And then, Celestia proceeds to slaughter the entire race of Changelings.

You know, couldn’t you have destroyed the Hive Queen and trying to reasoning with the crippled Hive Mind since they have no puppet master to order them around? But I guess that wouldn’t have been hard core enough for you, Mistress of Death!

Also, don’t believe me when I say this… Well, here’s an author’s note to prove that.

Celestia's sweep missed one Changeling; three guesses as to who she missed.

So… let me see if I understand this correctly… We all know, in order for the show to happen, that the Changeling she missed was Chrysalis. Okay, fair enough. But… does that mean she wiped out the entire hive? How else am I supposed to take that?! She literally wiped out the entire Changeling race.

And I’m pretty sure that not all of them were adults, since if she is the last one, other changelings would have to be created. And I don’t think Queen Chrysalis has the resources to build a DNA machine. So, it’s likely that she’ll have to build a nest and begin giving birth and laying eggs or whatever she does.

So… my point is… Celestia murdered the entire Changeling race… including children. … Starting to see where I’m going with this.

Meanwhile, in the Crystal Empire, the King and Queen are under some kind of love spell that prevents them from performing their royal duties. At that time, Minister Sombra murders his way into power and takes the throne of the Crystal Empire for himself.

Ah, I can see why in the comics Sombra and Celestia are a pairing. They truly have a lot in common.

A couple of Equestrian soldiers find out about Sombra’s coup and attack him. However, Sombra’s troops prove too much for them and one of them leaves to warn Equestria of what is happening. And then… this happens?

“Excellent.” He smiled again. “Once our new armor has been completed, we will march south and show the Equestrians’ precious ‘Empress’ who is the true power in this world. Relay your orders, and then we shall-” Sombra stopped, turning all of his focus towards Icewind. Obscured by blood was a small rune, which moments before had been flashing blue. Now, though, it was bright red, and he could hear a small whine rising from the fallen Equestrian.

Sombra had little chance to react before the entire plaza was consumed by light as the Self-Destruct spell activated.

Not so fast! I activate my trap card! Magic Jammer!

… I’ve been watching too much Yu-Gi-Oh! lately.

So, Celestia rigged his guys to explode if they were ever captured? She’s more messed up than I realized! Maybe the villains are right to want to overthrow her!

A message get to Luna, and doing the smart thing and not waiting for permission to deal with this threat, gathers forces and begins her march against the Crystal Empire.

Celestia arrives back at Equestria where she is mighty pissed about Luna starting a war behind her back. Hey, at least Luna hasn’t slaughtered an entire species because they looked at her funny.

“Begin firing on the enemy. Lunar Knights, Drakeguard and Black Ravens will advance with me. I care not for prisoners; kill anything that is not an Arctic Wolf.” her commanders nodded before shouting orders. Swords were drawn, crossbows strung, armor checked one last time, before Luna’s army began their advance.

… Is there some third Empress I could side with? Preferably one that isn’t a psychotic bitch?

To make a really long battle short, Luna wins the battle and amasses great pride in herself. However, when Luna orders a continued march on the enemy, a general says that he is not willing to put his troops in danger due to her hasty nature.

Shut. Up.” Luna’s eyes once again shifted to green and cat-like. “I am in command here. This is my fight. Mine. Nopony elses. I make the decisions, I make the plans, I am in control of everything. Don’t make me destroy you, you pathetic waste of flesh.”

Oh, god! The bitchiness is spreading! First, Celestia and now, Luna! Is there no one this curse will not touch?!

“Thank you, Empress. Also, when I told Luna of my plans to stay here she... I don’t know what, but something happened to her.”

“What do you mean?”

“She became... violent, and her eyes shifted... or something. I’m not really sure what happened.” Celestia frowned.

Ah… She had her first violent outburst… *Sniff* I knew this day would come… My little sister is growing up so fast…

Luna continues her attack on the Crystal Empire with Celestia gathering forces and giving chase after her. She confronts Sombra who is able to tap into her desire to impress Celestia to mess with her, causing Luna to become violent.

I mean… even more than usual. No, I will not stop harping on this! This is a big issue for me!

Fighting an enemy is one thing, pointless slaughter is entirely another! I should not be asking myself, who the fuck am I supposed to be cheering for?! Celestia claims to be ‘holy’ and ‘good’ but she knowingly slaughters entire races she is at war with, rather than trying a compromise when corrupt leaders are taken from power. She threatens her subjects with death if changes are not met to her standards. And she belittles enemies rather than trying to make peace with them. She’s as bad as half of the enemies she fights!

I’m not saying that Celestia shouldn’t ever fight or kill, I’m saying that there has to be a good reason for it! The Celestia in this story seems just… cruel. And yes, I get it, different personality and all that, but even in the present time, she doesn’t seem to have much more control than she does in the past! The show would have been over before Season 1 if past Celestia was in present day Celestia’s shoes! I’m not convinced that Twilight would still be alive!

Anyway, Sombra continues to taunt Luna, showing Luna her greatest fear. Luna appears in Canterlot Castle and Celestia claims that she is no longer needed.

“How dare you say what rights I have and don’t have! I am the God-Empress of Ponykind, the Forger of Worlds, the Morningstar! I created this world and forged this nation. I am solely responsible for Equestria’s success; not you, not anypony else, Me! I will not be lectured by a disgrace like you, and I am ashamed that I even considered calling you ‘sister’!” Luna’s bonds were released, and she collapsed limply to the floor. She looked up, tears streaming down her face.

You know, this might only be a vision, but based on what I’ve seen from this Celestia, this would not surprise me if it actually happened.

Luna collapses before Celestia arrives and murders Sombra. Okay, he was attacking Luna. You win this round, Celestia.

However, Sombra has one final trick up his sleeve, where he teleports the Crystal Empire into the warp, with Celestia and Luna barely getting out in time.

Celestia wants to return home, but Luna is sick of playing second fiddle to her and always being in her shadow. Celestia tries to reason with her, but Luna isn’t buying it and returns to Equestria. Celestia then sees her vision of Horus and promises herself that she would never let that happen again.

And just to remind everyone, this is being told to a group of ponies who are supposed to admire her for her work. Admire her for her kindness and forgiveness, while she slaughters other creatures that look different than her. … This image could not be more appropriate.

However, once Luna returns, she realizes that her sister loves her and cures herself of the dark powers that control her and is so not jealous anymore. … I’m not even making this up.

“She... she was right...” Luna lowered her swords. “I... lost faith. I got jealous. I... Oh Gods, I was trying to betray my sister!” Luna dropped her swords and staggered back.

… Why?

Just… why?

Why did she go back on this?! Why would she?! Is this some kind of redemption scene where ‘It’s not Luna’s fault! It’s just evil beings that possessed her!’ Oh, so that’s what we’re teaching the audience?! ‘Oh, it’s not your fault you’re jealous of your siblings, friends, other people’s success. It’s because you’re possessed by a demon! Just keep hitting yourself until the demon pops out!’

Seriously, why is it so hard to grasp the concept of just letting Luna have these negative feelings?! It makes her more interesting if she is flawed! If she is a pony! If she is a character! This takes away from her! She doesn’t need a demon in her head to tell her to feel bad! She already feels bad! And now, we’re going to backtrack all that character development in one shot! Instead of her going through this change on her own accord, now a demon is going to force that change!

I cannot do that; you were mine the instant you told your sister you hated her. The voice laughed, and Luna’s mind was filled with images; snakes, ravens, flies, bulls and other creatures flooded her mind, choking out anything that remained there before. She tried to fight back, but more power flowed into her, crushing her attempts at resisting.

Luna cried out in fear, before the darkness swallowed her up.

She rose up to her hooves, looking around the room. She reached out and grabbed the two swords, using a quick Warp Manipulation to forge them into a single blade.

“Yes,” She hissed. “Finally, a body from which I can affect the Materium directly. Soon, all shall tremble at my might. Soon.

Equestria.

Will.

Burn!!!"

What.

A.

Load!!!

Celestia arrives to talk to Luna, but like I said, a demon has possessed her and claims her as it’s own. Celestia vows to free her sister, but the demon is having none of it. Celestia attacks, but the demon gets away and claims that it will gather followers to destroy Celestia’s army.

With Celestia giving this speech

“No, the danger has passed... And if you were present, most likely you would have been killed.” Celestia began walking, the Legionnaires forming up behind Her. “Take notice; the pony Nightmare Moon and all those that swear allegiance to her are to be considered Traitors to Equestria, and they are to be immediately executed without trial.”

… So, because they are loyal to your sister, they are considered traitors and are to be killed without trial? … Are you sure the demon isn’t the hero of this story?

And so, the demon begins to gather followers using the magic of brainwashing, instead of, you know, showing up as Luna and claiming that Celestia has done some horrible things. She wouldn’t even have to lie. She could just bring up that she’s a violent psychotic who cares about taking lives as opposed to saving them. That might sway some ponies.

Celestia discovers the hiding place of where the demon’s army is and begins her advance towards them, hoping to lure them to a place where they’ll have the advantage. Meanwhile, Dawn Sparkle, yes, she’s still in this, I guess, tells her family to escape when the demon makes an offer to her to join it’s ranks.

“Advance into the city. Kill everything in your path unless I state otherwise.” Her army bellowed out a warcry before surging forward towards Manehattan, weapons and banners raised high.

See?! More evidence that the demon is actually a good thing! It’s already stating that it’s not going to just steamroll over everything! That would be the best twist ever!

The fight takes place in Manehatten, where Dawn is trying to save her city, but the demon’s forces prove too much for them.

Celestia arrives, but the battle is over and very few ponies are left. Already a vast improvement. I am fully behind our new demonic overlord.

“Empress,” She turned and saw one of Her captains approaching. “We found fifty surviving Daughters and a few civilians. What are your orders?” Celestia looked out at the ruined landscape around Her. Wind from the south whipped the smoke into a large cloud, the sun becoming a foreboding light against the darkened sky.

All around Equestria people are tired of the constant fighting and violence around them. And I’m sure they’re not the only ones.

Celesita goes to visit a priest, who tells him a tale about his life and how it got turned around by an act of kindness. Oh, so it couldn’t have been Celestia. Celestia asks why they have faith in her, a question that I have asked myself several times during this fic, and the priest gives an answer.

“Because you have had the opportunity, but you did not.” Celestia blinked as the priest continued. “When you defeated Discord, you took the title of Empress. A powerful title, but a mortal title nonetheless. You could have declared yourself God Empress of Ponykind, and marched your armies through the streets and built monuments in your name, but you did not. You even went to the masses when they were in need and brought comfort to them.”

You could have shown mercy to those weaker than yourself and offered a them a chance to chance, but you did not.

Sir, they get it.

Oh, I know. This is for me. It’s very therapeutic.

Celestia and the demon’s armies clash and a big fight scene ensues. You know, after all the wars and conflicts we’ve had throughout this story, this fight scene seems kind of meh. I mean, we barely get any time from the fights before we have another one start up again.

The last six chapters, that’s all we’ve seen! And they’ve gotten to the point, that I just don’t care about them anymore. Why? Because I don’t care about the characters. They’re written well enough, but if I don’t have investment, I’m not going to enjoy it.

And as the demon and Celestia battle, you all know what happens next, Celestia uses the Elements of Harmony to defeat the demon once and for all, sending Luna to the moon for the next thousand years.

Except that the demon isn’t actually defeated and actually escaped the last battle.

Well, glad that accomplished much…

Celestia finally finds her and then the final battle actually begins. Celestia wants to speak to her sister, but the demon says that Luna is gone. Celestia begins to apologize for the way she’s acted. Just a minute, let me get some popcorn.

“What you gave her was an illusion, so that you could work your plans and destroy everything we have held dear... and I was too much of a self-centered fool to realize that.” She sighed. “If Luna is there, if she can hear me, I wish to apologize for what I have done. I... I fell into old habits. I got swept up by the crowds, the soldiers, everything, and I lost sight of what truly mattered.” a small tear rolled down Celestia’s cheek, but She ignored it. “It’s my fault Luna fell, my fault that I ignored her and did not speak to her about her problems. And... I am unworthy of being called her sister.” Celestia let out a breath of air, Her sword lowering slightly. “She would understand it.” there was silence before Nightmare Moon began to chuckle again.

Oh, apologize for the dead Changeling children you ate that one time! I’m sure those kids need an apology.

They fight for a bit before a demon, who I am not going to bother naming, appears and tells Celestia that it was his whole plan to trap Celestia here so that she would not bother them at the end of his fight at the beginning of the story. You know, back when the story was good.

Meanwhile, Horus manages to make contact with Luna, inside the demon, and helps her regain control of her body and defeat the demon.

However, the demon manages to still be inside Luna and she is losing control against. And of course, you know how this all goes down, Celestia is forced to use the Elements of Harmony to defeat the demon and send Luna to the moon for one thousand years.

Celestia feels guilty about the whole thing, blaming herself for Luna being ‘possessed’ by evil powers. Celestia says she’s tired of all the fighting and violence. The constant struggle of death and destruction and wants to leave it all behind her.

Horus makes contact with her and tells her that Luna will be freed one day, but not due to her power or his.

And thus, our story of murder, mayhem, and destruction draws to a close with Twilight now having everything she needs to justify ‘Why did I do this?’

Well, if Celestia can do it! So can I!

Why? … Why do you guys put me in a position where I have to pick a side?

Because this story is…. Eh….

Don’t get me wrong, there are things I adore about this fic. And then there are things that fucking piss me off!

Let’s start with the positives and work our way down. I like the opening half of this story. The first half of it mostly focuses on Luna and Celestia, which I found enjoyable. In fact, I found it very enjoyable. It’s the most fun I’ve had reading a legitimately good fic in a long time.

They were adorable, they were funny, but they knew how to be serious. A Bloodthirsty Empress trying to be a mother was comedy gold and was cute at time. Little Luna was a lot of fun and it made me want to read the rest of the story and see where it went.

A lot of the fight scenes are good, if they do tend to be a bit mashed together in the second half of the story.

But the second half is where the story and my happy fun times start to fall apart. First off, any relatability the story had built up for Luna and Celestia is completely washed away by the uber violence. I understand they are in warring situations, but that doesn’t excuse cruelty. There’s fighting a war, there’s defending oneself, and then there’s being a dick. And those two are almost always in the later.

Between threatening their own soldiers with death if they have a hair out of place and murdering entire races because of racism, it’s a wonder Celestia ever changed her ways by the end. Not that we see that. But I suppose that’s what the sequels are for.

Even in present day, Celestia doesn’t seem to be much better.

I’m open to different interpretations to Celestia, but this was one I couldn’t get behind. I’m not saying cut out the violence entirely, but have her be the subject of controversy for these overly violent acts, instead of worshipping her. Luna was build to be compassionate, right? Have her question Celestia’s lack of mercy!

That’s a good building block for the rivalry. Luna could say that Celestia takes things too far and Celestia could be like ‘I will kill all enemies of Equestria!.” And that proves awkward when Celestia has to kill Nightmare Moon. With Celestia trying to kill her, but she can’t because of all the happy fun times they shared. Learning that behind every enemy is a figure with a family, friends, people that love them and not demons filled with hatred that she is used to fighting.

The extra characters in this story are pretty much a wash. The story tries it’s best to characterize them and they all come off as soldiers with none of the humanity to them. The best one was probably Dawn Sparkle, and I only gave her slightly more of my interest than the others. Maybe if we had gotten to know them outside of battle and more into who they are, but the story never gets that far.

The Changelings and the Diamond Dogs are pretty much a waste in this story. And the only reason they show up is so that Celestia can have more things to kill like she’s fucking Kratos.

Honestly, you could have cut them out of the story and it wouldn’t have changed anything. They don’t amount to anything by furthering the story and don’t have any consequences to what happens during the war. Discord and Sombra you can have, but only because they were slightly more interesting. Even if Sombra’s part was about as rushed out as the show did, so points there. If you had taken away the Dogs and the Changelings, you could have spent more time developing Sombra and his role in all this.

And as I move my mouse to click the thumbs down button, I fucking weep into my scarf. Because I don’t want to hate this story! I don’t want to give it a thumbs down! In fact, I wanted to like this story! The first half was a big barrel of fun and I found myself literally looking forward to the next chapter!

I was gitty about what was going to happen next and by the second half, little by little the story drained me of all the enthusiasm I once had until I truly was trudging through it, like I was waist deep in slime.

Maybe the problem is that I’m thinking too much about it and that’s not what you should do in this story. It’s probably fine if you just want to see Celestia and Luna being a badass, but I couldn’t read this story’s second half again. I get too depressed because of it. Depressed because I know the story was so much better than it’s second half. All the elements were there, it just didn’t live up to them.

Comments

[iowaforever]

Going through, I noticed that one of your quotes got busted. Might want to fix that.
I also saw your final verdict, and I shall see why that is in a moment.

So, Celestia tells a seven year old the tale of how she murdered thousands upnt thousands of beings in order to save the world, in every bloody gory detail, and how violent and angry she was, inspiring Twilight to become a psychotic when she grows up.

… I can actually dig that. Carry on.

I should totally have gone with that.

Anyway, they continue to fight demons with them getting pushed back and forth, while mentioning a bunch of names and places that are just names and places to me. This is a double edge sword for me. On the one hand, I appreciate not being weighed down with explanation after explanation. Turning the story into a crawl. On the other, a little explanation would be nice, but I’ll get into why that’s not such a big deal later.

I understand completely. Nowadays, I know and preach that a crossover should be inviting to people that have little prior knowledge concerning one side or another (Mare of Steel or the Godzilla crossover The Bridge come to mind). I should have spent more time fleshing out these sorts of things, but I didn't.

Ooo… Here it comes…

Also, a lot after this is in italics.
And that scene was probably one of my favorites to write. Of all time. Because you never see humans in Equestria raging against the heavens because of their transformations.

She’ll stop eventually. Once she realizes I don’t need a mate or child, she’ll stop.

Here's where the quote gets busted.

Yeah, honestly, I have no idea why Cadance is even in this thing. She doesn’t add anything to the story and she hardly has a reason to be there, other than, the show had just introduced her. Seriously, what point does she even have of being there?!

She was actually going to be a catalyst for Nightmare Moon's rebellion. That plotline was dropped, though.

Yes, Luna won her first chess game, against a seasoned veteran. I’ve got my mary-sue sticker ready to go!

Again, this was foreshadowing to a plotline that was dropped in the final draft. I could probably wrote a book on the number of dropped plot lines from this story.
Also, more busted quotes.

And while you’re at it, call Twilight, ‘Tara’.

Not until the sequel, Critique.

To make a long, but entertaining fight scene short, Equestria manages to defeat the Diamond Dogs and slay their leader

Told you the Diamond Dogs weren't invincible.

Fighting an enemy is one thing, pointless slaughter is entirely another! I should not be asking myself, who the fuck am I supposed to be cheering for?! Celestia claims to be ‘holy’ and ‘good’ but she knowingly slaughters entire races she is at war with, rather than trying a compromise when corrupt leaders are taken from power. She threatens her subjects with death if changes are not met to her standards. And she belittles enemies rather than trying to make peace with them. She’s as bad as half of the enemies she fights!

I’m not saying that Celestia shouldn’t ever fight or kill, I’m saying that there has to be a good reason for it! The Celestia in this story seems just… cruel. And yes, I get it, different personality and all that, but even in the present time, she doesn’t seem to have much more control than she does in the past! The show would have been over before Season 1 if past Celestia was in present day Celestia’s shoes! I’m not convinced that Twilight would still be alive!

... Valid point. I could try to defend myself in saying that Celestia, like her past self, is so wrapped up in her pride that she can't see her own hypocrisy, but at this point it just comes off as a bit weak.

Maybe the problem is that I’m thinking too much about it and that’s not what you should do in this story. It’s probably fine if you just want to see Celestia and Luna being a badass, but I couldn’t read this story’s second half again. I get too depressed because of it. Depressed because I know the story was so much better than it’s second half. All the elements were there, it just didn’t live up to them.

Reading this now, a few years after I've finished the story... you are right. I guess I got so caught up in the 40K aspect of the story (where people who think like Celestia are the good guys only because everything else is so much worse) that I forgot the pony side. I wanted to develop the characters more, have a time where they're not being soldiers and actually have some meaning behind the conflict, but I guess I got so hyped up in my success that I started rushing everything out. The story's a mess of plot lines that go nowhere, character actions that are way too cruel for canon, and squandered potential as you said.
So, thank you, Critique. I'm glad you gave this story a fair overview, and hopefully I can take your words to heart in the future.

[inum76]

3867645

I also saw your final verdict, and I shall see why that is in a moment.

You are a monster fast reader if you can get through that! in a moment. looks like it might take me a day to look over.

You mean 40k?

This is why computers are going to rule the world some day. It's coming.

Okay, maybe it’s obvious I’m not exactly knowledgeable about Warhammer 40k. Not that I don’t think it could be good, it’s just not something I’ve ever looked into. I’m sure it’s fine. But maybe that’s the point. Maybe we need someone who isn’t into Warhammer to see if this fic is good or not.

I don't know, with over a thousand likes, some may disagree with said end verdict. Partly do to that they may know a lot about the game. It may take just such a game fan to appreciate the story for what it is. References to the game and all.

After all, is that not half the fun of reading a story with references to something familiar? Or writing about them? It would be like getting someone who knows nothing about MLP, to understand most of these stories on this site. It kills the fun of all involved! For both the reader and the writer.

If I was to have someone say in a story, "That Pinkie, if she didn't seem so child like most of the time, I'd swear she was a genius!" Any not familiar to the show, may not get that reference all too well. Not without the writer doing a full workup on Pinkie and her life in the story, when she is only being referenced within an event in the story, but not actually being in the story itself. The comment is lost to those that don't know the show, or Pinkie.

But those who know the show would understand. They know who Pinkie is already, and know what she is like. The writer does not have to make a full bio, and work up of many of the things she does and is like, just so those who don't know the show can understand that one small reference to her. That would be madness!

As I said, it's part of the fun of reading or writing about something familiar. I usually don't read a story with something in it I know little about, for that exact reason. I don't think I would like it, for I may not know what is going on, or who is who.

It would be like me judging a fan made story based on Yugioh, and Yugioh alone. I know next to nothing about Yugioh, so I know right off the bat I am not likely going to like it. Not like a Yugioh fan would. In fact, I most likely would not enjoy reading it at all.

This is not to say it is do to it being a bad story. I just don't know Yugioh!

Any story on this site is like a side story to the cartoon. You ether get what the story is referring to, or you don't. But most side stories are not going to line up every detail to what has already been established in what the story is referring to.

I am moving on.

Unless, the story fits it in a way that flows well and even if you don’t understand the reference, you don’t miss anything, but shut up!

NO!

My point is, I’m going to review what I want, when I want and how I want.

Well, that do expect.

It doesn’t tell us everything, so it doesn't drag on

Make up your mind. Do you want every detail, or no?

but it gives us enough that we are interested in it.

Well, that much is good so far.

Celestia gets so wrapped up in her memoirs that when she is interrupted, she goes on a rant against the filly who would dare interrupt her trip down memory lane!

Yes, I too hate to be interrupted when I am thinking. It is so hard for me to get into the flow of it. I feel like a derailed train after.

As you would expect, it scares the piss out of little Twilight

Twilight on the show already worries about what Celestia might do in a situation. Look what she told Fluttershy Celestia might do to her for taking her bird.

Than again, Twilight has a few reasons to worry. Look at the reaction Celestia had when Twilight told her that Discord was going to lock up a pony at the Gala into another dimension. Celestia about laughed and said "I know. Isn't it exciting! I knew it was a good idea to invite him."
My own reaction to that was, WTF!

she was no longer a commander during a time of war, but a teacher who had just threatened to kill her favored student. Oh no, I went too far again…

Something tells me I got to read this thing myself.

Celestia: Well, according to the headcanon of the greatest reviewer that ever lived, I came from the sky’s vagina.

OK, I will buy that.

Twilight: But what about season 6 where we clearly see an alicorn being born?

What!? I am already missing season six?
Damn, I am so out of it...

Now WHY! is my recorder not recording it!?
I told it to record any new episodes. And it has nothing new in it. Looks like I got to set it up again.

Celestia: Trust me, you’ll see more humans than you should, in a movie that the most awesome critic in question will consider non-canon because of how shitty the movies are.

Now that I can agree with. Well, they are not totally horrible to me, but they lack being near as good as the show.
It still does not keep me from wanting to see the new 3D CGI film Universal is helping working on. I am so excited!

So, Celestia tells a seven year old the tale of how she murdered thousands upnt thousands of beings in order to save the world, in every bloody gory detail, and how violent and angry she was, inspiring Twilight to become a psychotic when she grows up.

Hay, she is keeping it old school. None of this coddling BS from reality that kids are forced to have today, unless you live in a place like the Middle East. The shit is real there.

The lore can be a bit weighed down for newcomers since we aren’t really given a reason why these Crusades are going on.

The freedom to have power over everything. What else is there to crusade for, cutie marks?

Now many of you would think, especially if you aren’t familiar with the Warhammer franchise like I am, that maybe Titus is supposed to be Celestia from before. Actually, no. This is not Celestia at all, so it’s kind of baffling here.

Actually, that didn't even come close to crossing my mind.
I have no clue just who Titus could be, other than a high ranking Captain who has now gone up in rank to master of Macragge, do to others no longer around to take the spot. I would not assume beyond that.

Sure, like I don't make my own guess work on a story. But I didn't assume that much about it yet.

This is a double edge sword for me. On the one hand, I appreciate not being weighed down with explanation after explanation. Turning the story into a crawl. On the other, a little explanation would be nice, but I’ll get into why that’s not such a big deal later.

I feel like I am going to cry.

Fair enough, I suppose.

It's like one of may own personal puns Computer.

"I hate everyone equally, until they give me reason to either like them, or hate them even more."
Actually, it's not so much of a pun than something real I feel, I just treat it like a pun. Oh, well.

Now, let’s begin the story of Celestia’s Transgender Adventures.

Somehow, I am starting to enjoy this.

The Emperor works in mysterious, stupid ways.

Hay, when you are the one in power and a GOD!, what is a few lives compared to your own?

“They failed to kill me while I was entombed in the Throne, when I was weak and helpless,” The Emperor snarled, raising the Traitor up with His psychic powers “I doubt they will be able to slay me when I have regained my power.

Cool!

The Emperor arrives at the Warp where the Chaos Gods lie and they talk for a bit about how “I’m going to defeat you” and “You’ll never defeat us” before the Emperor slays them all one by one.

NO! Not a DBZ talk, talk, talk moment of who is greater.
Those are so annoying!

When he wakes up, he finds himself in a new land where he can begins his journey as a dickless mare.

What! Talk about a warp in reality.
Can this get any more funny?

“WHAT THE FRAK HAPPENED TO ME?!”

Why, yes it can!

Sir, I washed your blankee for you.

You are so nice to him Computer.
Now if there were only more in this world (or any world) like you.

Really? You’re not going to be even a little depressed that you just lost your dick? I mean, I know in the previous chapter you mentioned how you never used it, but still I’d think that come as a great blow to you.

You know, some are not all so attached to such things, or feel it is in some way to be a burden.
The old saying, "He is thinking with his dick!" Now it has no power over how his whims may hang, or what it may wish to point him to, all on it's own. Must be nice not to have that alternate influence, that hinders thought on things more important than getting some.

I can dig it.
OK! So I am strange.

Speaking of which, I saw a new movie on Doctor Strange is coming out.

I know I keep switching back and forth between he and she, but I’m technically not wrong either way.

No, you are not.

She sits down as Celestia begins storytime. Oh, boy, I can’t wait until by the end of the story when the whole fucking castle is there with Celestia telling the story! Seriously, what the fuck?!

You are a sour-puss. No wonder I happen to enjoy stories more than you.
Yes, I may be a simpleton, but I am at least a happy one. Er, most of the time.
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Celestia gathers enough metal to make her armor and Philomena is pissed that she seems to care more for a suit of armor than she does for another being.

Or maybe it's do to no longer having a dick, he is less focused on such things like matting. I mean he has his hands in mode of creating. He has not time for thinking about... Well, other ways of how others create things. HE IS A GOD! And he will be the only one working at creating things for the moment, until he is board with it or satisfied.

Besides The bird pissed him off earlier by evading him, when all he wanted is some company. You think he wants to give the bird a alternate distraction than spending time with him? No sure.

Philomena: I will most certainly not gloat! Where is my sex partner?!

You know Philomena, I ask that very same question sometimes.

Ah, your hatred for me fuels my soul.

There are times I wonder how true that may be.

“Hush now, Quiet now,

No. It's too much.

You guys are never going to fall for that one, are you?

No.

Well, with that I am going to bead, I may finish reading this later.

[iowaforever]

3868555 What I do is open two tabs, one to read the fic and one to write my comment. I immediately scroll to the bottom on one and work from there, and I just happened to see the Thumbs down

I don't know, with over a thousand likes, some may disagree with said end verdict. Partly do to that they may know a lot about the game. It may take just such a game fan to appreciate the story for what it is. References to the game and all.

This is a possibility, but since the 40K fandom and the MLP Fandom generally get along like water and alkaline metals it could be that people are happy to see a 40K/Pony fic that isn't "Kill all ponies! Humanity is #1!"

[inum76]

3869432

What I do is open two tabs, one to read the fic and one to write my comment.

It is moments like this I feel like a dumb ass.
It is so simple, I should have thought to have been doing this as well.

I do this for other things like setting up comments I may make on a story I am reading, I just never did it for this.

I immediately scroll to the bottom on one and work from there, and I just happened to see the Thumbs down

I scrolled down at first as well, but I read and comment form top-down. It's a personal preference.

Speaking of such.

This is a possibility, but since the 40K fandom and the MLP Fandom generally get along like water and alkaline metals it could be that people are happy to see a 40K/Pony fic that isn't "Kill all ponies! Humanity is #1!"

I see your point, but your story does have over 1,000 likes. That is vastly far more than any of mine (then again, Derpy's Finest Hour has far more than any of mine as well. )

It would be hard to know from the like count alone, wither or not that number of over 1,000 is from any majority of 40K/Pony fans than pony fans alone. That would be hard to say.
But I am thinking it likely would be.

Seeing that I am more of a furry, than a brony, I feel my views on such things is vastly more lax with the "Kill all ponies! Humanity is #1!", than many bronies would be.

Actuality no, I am not a fan of such. Still, it would not be something that would make me hate the story to have such a subject in it, it would more depend on how it was presented, than that being the subject of the story.

Like if it was a story about a human who came to Equestria and made a way for others like him to come in and take over, in part by killing all the ponies. That I would not mind reading. It just would have to be done in a way better than, said human wins by because humans are better. The story would have to show how said victory by humans could be achieved, over magical ponies, ponies that can rip up the ground with a beam from a horn or those that can crack a rock by flying past it fast enough.

The human tek would have to be good enough. Not just a "humans are greater!" story. I would not buy that. Now magical humans, or ones with mutant powers taking over, that I could see happen. And might not be such a bad story to me. Not that I would like to see the ponies lose in such a story.