Well, it seems I got some dislike on where I was going with it, so I'm taking down the latest chapter and I'm going to rework the last part of it.
Didn't think you all would be angry with reintroducing the General like this.
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I wasn't angry...I was actually suprised
3802720 Well the majority of the readers didn't like it.
3802723 wow....tough crowd?
I think it was more why rather than how could you to me it just didn't make any sense at all with what the story was.
3802727 So basicly I should slowly introduce the General instead of "Surprise motherfucker!" Hmmm, I'll have to go through my plot line and alter it to introduce him at Gryphonstone then.....
i gotta say it seemed way too sudden, I'm also unsure of how it's going to turn out with the griffons getting what is basically adams tech through the general while the equestrians have just developed their own low tech to be on par with griffon tech. My only advice I guess is the speed at which the griffons get the new human tech from the general so that it seems like the equestrians have enough time to develop their own a bit farther. otherwise we just run into the problem of adam having to directly arm the equestrians which you spent chapters explaining why it was a bad idea. otherwise it was well written
I wasn't a fan because you said he was fatally wounded. Quite honestly I don't even want to see him. Another reason is how the hell did he even get there?
You said he died in chapter one... Unless they have some like miracle cure to save his mind or something, I'm very skeptical about his return. Their transportation isn't so great to be able to transport his brain within 3 minutes to a place of high technological capabilities to store his brain. And frankly why would the government waste so much resources to save one person.I'm open to hear your reason as its your story and i'm sorry if I sounded rude in anyway shape or form
Wait what? What happened?
3802857 Basically if you hadn't read the chapter, at the end of 17 the General from chapter 1 made a surprise appearance in Equestria on the side of the Griffon's in some kind of super mech. A lot of readers did not like his sudden appearance so it seems Urimas has decided to change this.
3802864 Hmm. Yeah, I guess I can see people having problems with that. Guess I'm lucky I didn't get to read it.
The problem is that you are terrible at build up. every time there is some sort of reveal it just kinda hits you like a slap to the face. there was no hint that maybe earth was behind the griffon's technology so the sudden reveal just feels forced. If you had characters wondering how the griffon's are getting more advanced so quickly or even a spy report reporting strange bipeds in griffonstone. Maybe then it wouldn't feel so forced.
Tl:dr learn to foreshadow.
3802872 You say he's terrible at foreshadow, yet you only give one example. At least start off with "you could use improvement" before going with terrible and provide more than one example.
I have no idea as to what was wrong. I didn't get a chance to read it.
Honestly, were I you I'd get rid of the terrible Idea of second shackled AI. Especially since the GOV't Was trying to decommission the Tech in the First place. Honestly I'd rather you go with something a bit more fresh, like maybe the Griffons actually Coming up with their own Tech, and Instead of a human Opponent that they have Gained through a portal similar to the one that Brought ADAM over from Earth, Have something else be their strange support. like say a creature from Tartarus or A creature from Fallout Equestria. Also I thought all of the Professors notes were destroyed in the first chapter.
3802730 I didn't see any reason in the plot for him to be there at all in fact there are a few points that make it not possible such as having all of the doctors notes destroyed in the first couple chapters, and if the "creatures" walking around the griffin Capitol were anything it sounded to me more like the changelings considering you've just had one in a cage doing nothing for half the story.
3802872 Yeah, I'll probably go that route now.
3802872
Foreshadowing is VERY difficult to learn. From where I stand, Urimas strikes me as someone who has just recently begun with writing for others instead of personal enjoyment.
So you need to look at the overall preformance and improvement. Which I must say is pretty good. He/She has shown great improvement. While he/she is not "there" by a long shot the improvement is to obvious to not see.
So instead of simply saying "Learn how to foreshadow" Say things which can help like:
Next time, it is better to give subtle hints in a chapter. like:
As the last petitioner went away to return to their families either triumphant or in defeat, the King slowly rubbed his head. It was like there where more and more complaints or idiotic idea's as the days went.
He could only look at the shadows behind his masive throne, where a large figure retreated deep within the castle. Leaving only a silent humm of aproval, or that could have just been the sound of the creature's movement. The disraught king was still not clear about that. But overall he did picture it as a sign of aproval.
and 3802723
Pardon my language: Screw them!
Having a enemy who had been defeated return like this is a stable classic in this type of story. I would have been seriousely dissapointed in you if you would not have brought the general back in a manner like this.
In chapter one it was already more then clear that he would pop-up when you really didn't want him to pop up. Cause if you have the tech to create a very complex A.I like Adam then uploading a mind or re-animating a recently deceased (and very important) general sounds like something very plausible.
3802935 Hmmm yeah, I'm going to have to redo my notes for the future chapters a lot for a new plot.
I didnt even get to read it....
3803020 assault on outpost happens then a giant mech drops from the sky for no reason says it's an ai and it has the generals voice
3802945 oh no don't get me wrong, the story has very good grammar and the writing is fairly enjoyable, but it feels rushed at times and the lack of foreshadowing or even the abruptness with which problems get fixed kills some of the enjoyment. The only reason I am still reading is because Urimas seems like he will eventually be a fantastic writer. Right now he needs to focus on pacing and foreshadowing. There are other problems but right now these two things need the most attention.
3803537 Thanks for the feedback
What I have issues with is how the hell did the General or any human at all get there in the first place. Where did they get the resources for that. That kind of research requires massive amount of resources and moving that kind of money is noticed. The military would not get the research done without government noticing and shifting that amount resources to some project does not work without congress noticing and at that point the general would not be the one in charge considering his previous failure. The level of infrastructure mobilized for this would also
Secondly, 2 years is nowhere near enough time for humans to develop a whole new branch of science (with no previous noticeable incidents documented) to the point of creating a stable enough portal between worlds for travel. Heck, I'm willing to bet it would require reworking a large portion of scientific theories as we know it. Another thing that would draw attention to the project. At this point the thing would be so damn public that militaristic approach through the portal as the first thing would not be tolerated. If congress even tried that there would be a public out cry around the world. I know that people consider American government idiotic assholes but even I'm willing to give them enough credit that at that point they would not risk becoming the enemy of the whole world and giving whole rest of the world (including China and Russia) reason to stand united against them.
Thirdly they were so afraid of Adam that they tried to destroy him and now they built another even more powerful thing. And they allowed that particular general to have anything to do the project. If you think something is a threat to you don't just create a bigger more dangerous version of it. No you make something designed to deal with it because otherwise you might have an even bigger threat to worry about. Breaks any sort of suspension of disbelief for me.
Sorry for the rant and for being so rude. It's just that I'm so damn tired of seeing authors depict humanity as too stupid to breathe on their own or the ultimate assholes of the multiverse. Sure we have had our moments but come on.
Would you consider joining Megaman Battle Network Chrono X? They really need more spriters and since you are such a good spriter I thought that you might be able to help. If you're interested, you can find out more about it here.
3833449 Sorry already making a Megaman X themed game with our team and another project we plan to sell on steam.