Critique Review: Creature of the Night: Episode 1: The Night Guardian · 6:55pm Mar 2nd, 2016
Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.
Fire Emblem month is finally over and while we’ve had a lot of fun, it’s time to get back to the things that matter. Multicolored talking horses who spend most of their time eating sweets and learning life lessons. And writers who enjoy them because they can put their dick in them or make an overpowered character even more ridiculously powerful.
Our story today is definitely in those categories. The title alone is a big fucking sign that says ‘Notice me’. I realize that with how many fics get posted on the website every day, it’s hard to get people to notice the one you worked on. What with the worst fics often getting notice because they put a pair of boobs on the front cover.
But this is what not to do on how to get noticed and how to be different. Because in that attempt to be noticed, you end up being the same as everyone else. Mostly because everyone else does this.
New writers often make the of making their first story too big. You can’t write Lord of the Rings as your first story. You’re wrong if you think you can. I know it’s your opinion, but your opinion is just wrong.
It takes practice to make a Lord of the Rings story. You have to get something under your belt first. And it’s best to start small. A simple story with a very simple plot.
Too bad this story missed that very important lesson. So, let’s dig into Creature of the Night: Episode 1: The Night Guardian by Creature of the Night.
Not to be confused with Elemental Guardian.
Our story begins with Twilight Sparkle having some kind of nightmare. Well, what is this dream that haunts Twilight so?
One pony who tossed and turned in her bed, stuck deep in a nightmare from which only Princess Luna could free her – if she was even aware it existed. One pony whose fear filled the air as she suddenly shot bolt-upright in bed in a cold sweat wiping her forehead with her hooves. Now, nightmares happen, everypony knows that.However, to this pony, it happened every first of the month.
Okay… But what was her nightmare?
"That same nightmare again," Twilight said to herself, whispering so she wouldn't wake up Spike who was only a few rooms down from her.
Okay… what nightmare was she having?
She kept walking as she looked around the vast, empty halls "Maybe I need more decorations in the castle," she murmured, unsure, "maybe that's it..."
Okay… I’m going to give her a nightmare.
Don’t worry, Twilight. That thing haunts my nightmares too. Why is it dancing on rainbows?!
She gets up to get herself a drink of water or something, because I refuse to believe she is really thinking about decorations for the castle as if she was some interior designer, and out of the window she sees a creature with bat wings.
Ever have one of those days where you couldn’t get rid of a bomb?
Ah, just throw it down Pinkie Pie’s chimney. I heard she’s always having a blast.
The creature stares at her from several buildings away and they just stare at each other in the ‘Long Distance Staring Contest’. The creature then leaves, flying off. Twilight figures he’s up to something evil because he has red eyes. No, I’m serious. That’s the only reason given for why Twilight suspects this guy. Maybe Equestrians are just racist to bat people… Or horrible OCs. I get those confused sometimes.
Twilight chases after him with the bat pony using his vampire powers to hypnotize Twilight. He tells Twilight that he never saw her and that she should go back to bed. Twilight, however, is able to use her magic of not looking him in the eyes to prevent the hypnosis. However, while Twilight looks at the inside of her eyelids, the bat pony takes off.
Twilight follows him and the bat pony, not liking that, shoves her to the ground. However, at the last minute, he feels bad for her and violently grabs her mane before she hits the ground. Yeah, because that’s the most obvious place to grab a pony when their falling to their death.
Her eyes widened as she approached the ground and prepared for the worst. Suddenly, she felt an awful yank as something seized her mane from above. She flinched as something sharp jabbed into her neck, and she tensed up, freezing in place. She opened her eyes and found herself on the ground, the stranger floating above her, his wings flapping. "Sorry," The figure said to her quietly, "I only meant to push you out of my way, not to the ground"
Twilight casts a spell that immobilizes the bat pony, but the story decides he doesn’t like that and rewrites it to where the bat pony is immune to magic.
Bat Pony, I’m just calling him that now, manages to dispel Twilight’s magic before telling her that she will take her to Zecora for treatment and then knocks her out.
Twilight wakes up in Zecora’s hut and asks her about the mysterious Bat Pony she saw last night. Zecora explains that he’s not her enemy and that she is keeping secrets for him. Twilight tries to loosen her tongue, but Zecora isn’t talking.
Well, maybe a few nights in my torture chamber will do the trick.
Zecora: You have a torture chamber?
And it’s for zebras who don’t obey their pony overlords!
Twilight leaves after being treated by Zecora, from what we aren’t told, and leaves, pissed off that Bat Pony got the better of her.
The next morning the main six are enjoying a brunch together, with Twilight going over all the reasons why this character is bullshit.
Those piercing red eyes looking right at her, with a magic powerful enough to put an alicorn princess to sleep? Not only that, Twilight had studied magic for years, she should have known every counter-spell known to pony kind, and yet... he had overpowered her. That and Zecora had said he had such a big secret, one that she wouldn't even tell her friends about. Zecora spoke in riddles and rhymes but she always told the truth. What was so bad about this pony that she couldn't know about him? Sure, everypony has a little secret but, what if... what if this secret could put Equestria in danger?
You know, pointing out your plot holes doesn’t fix them, it just draws attention to them. It’s as if the story knew there were going to be problems with it, but rather than going back and fixing them, it just decided to say ‘Fuck it, that’ll do” and shoved it out the window.
Twilight thinks she should write to Princess Celestia about it and get her opinion, but she debates that Celestia is probably too busy. Yeah, busy as shit.
Twilight is upset that a being out of nowhere could overpower her as easily as it did, I’d be disappointed too if the most powerful alicorn got beat by Dracula’s less attractive cousin, and conjures up a swear word that the story censored because we don’t allow for anyone to insult our big baby.
He had controlled her mind just by looking at her. It had been like no magic she had ever seen: there had been no magical glow, no wispy waves of luminescent light. the stallion didn't even look like he even had a horn! What kind of[Removed 'a'.] pony could do such things? It wasn't possible... was it?
Yeah, what kind of [removed ‘f’] [removed ‘a’] would do something as [removed ‘f] stupid like having [removed ‘b’] [removed ‘a’] vampire powers?!
The main six, after finishing their breakfast, making tea, changing cloths and settling international disputes (Okay that last part didn’t happen, but the point is…), they finally ask Twilight what’s wrong.
"You all right, Sugarcube?" Applejack asked as she looked at the increasingly nervous princess. "You're acting like you've seen a ghost."
""Yeah, you haven't even touched your super stack of amazing Pinkie Pancakes," Pinkie added, her usual enthusiasm marred slightly by a hint of concern.
Rainbow Dash, obviously bored with the deliberation, asked the million dollar question everypony was thinking: "Did something happen last night?"
Why would you assume it was last night? Maybe it was something else… Were you spying on Twilight, Rainbow?
I asked you first!
Twilight explains what she saw last night, yeah, good job on your threat not to tell ponies about you, Bat-brat! Maybe if you had kidnapped Spike.
My goal is to get that dragon to snap and go on a murderous spree.
She explains what happened in the last chapter… All of it…
"It was like being poked with a needle, horribly sharp, but quick' Twilight said, automatically reaching a hoof up to feel her neck. The bleeding had stopped since last night of course, but there was a scar there, thankfully hidden by her mane; nothing too bad but still there. "Then...he started to tell me I needed to see Zecora right away, that he had made a terrible mistake."
They looked on, spellbound, as Twilight finished her tale by saying "Then, I realized mine. His eyes and mine were locked for a long time, and then suddenly... I heard his voice echoing in my head, commanding me to sleep." She started shivering "And I did..."
Her friends had all stood up and approached her at this point, placing their hooves on her back to calm her down. Her fear began to subside. "The next thing I knew, I woke up in Zecora's hut. She said she couldn't tell be much, but she said that this pony's name was 'The Creature of the Night'" She looked hopefully at her friends. "Do any of you know anypony who goes by that name? I haven't gotten this "Creature" out of my head all morning. I woke up with blood coming out of my neck that Zecora was patching up. Something happened last night, and I need to know...if I'm not worried over nothing"
I wouldn’t be upset over this if the chapter wasn’t already only 1000 words. So we spend half the chapter establishing something we’ve already seen. So, why couldn’t Twilight explain everything with the narration saying ‘Twilight explained everything that happened last night.’
Bam! Now we can move on!
They decide to go find this Bat-Pony and get some answers before he does something awful to the town.
Meanwhile, at Zecora’s hut, Zecora and Bat-Pony, who is called Creature at this point and I’m not convinced that it’s actual name, converse about how Zecora had to lie for him. Bat-Pony says that he doesn’t want to be a part of ponies and wants to keep away from them. Which is why he is always in Ponyville, spying on other ponies. Sure, I’ll buy it. Just like I buy that people who have arachnophobia are often known for living in places with lots of spiders.
Bat-Pony is moping because nopony loves him because he’s a vampire and he has all these bullshit powers that prevent magic from working on him and he has the ability to cancel out magic and is easily able to overpower Twilight Sparkle. Now that I think of it, why are we supposed to like you?
And I haven’t mentioned Zecora’s dialogue. It’s passable at best, but occasionally I find a line that really has it in for me.
Zecora nodded "Almost every week you come to me with feelings about being evil or meek" She groaned "It drives me crazy"
I know you're trying to rhyme ‘me’ with ‘crazy’, but the flow is so bad that I didn’t immediately get that. Poetry as a flow to it and thus Zecora must speak with that same flow. This has a flow that has been bent over and fucked.
Oh, my mistake… That was intentional…
"Wow no rhyme" Creature said with a teasing smirk as Zecora playfully nudged him.
… So … you admit you fucked up. You’re glad you fucked up… and you are going to continue to fuck up…
The author’s note tells us that Zecora is hard to write. Which is true. Zecora takes a little bit more skill to write than most characters in the show. Which begs the question, why the hell are you writing her?! If you don’t have confidence that you can pull off her character, you shouldn’t be writing her?!
Many writers don’t write Zecora for this reason!
Twilight and the others arrive at Zecora’s to ask some questions about Bat-Pony. Zecora, finally had it up to here with being whipped by the pony master race, is about to tell Twilight and the others what she knows, when suddenly Bat-Pony darts out of the doorway, plowing through the main six as if that is supposed to stop Zecora from telling his secrets.
Fortunately, the main six left their brain with Spike this story as they rush off to chase after the bastard. Bat-Pony manages to give them the slip, but they find his castle in the middle of the Everfree Forest. It’s right next to the castle where Nightmare Moon was defeated. Frankly, I’m surprised nopony saw it before now.
We then cut to Bat-Pony where he is seen talking to a gravestone.
Creature's nose furled under his nose and then he looked at the other stone, it was actually well kept together as Creature smiled as there was fresh roses planted next to it, like there was a barricade preventing the other grave from touching it. The stone simply said "Purity Heart- Even brilliant lights will fail to burn".
… That’s a bit depression to put on a gravestone… It’d be like putting ‘If only he wasn’t standing in front of that bus’ on it. What the hell?!
"Pure, hey. I was talking with Zecora again." The grave didn't speak but Creature groaned "Will you relax, you know you're my only special some pony I will ever have"
He laughed and said "I've been thinking about you a lot, there's a pony out there that reminds me of you. I like to think that you are guiding this one, helping her accomplish her dreams, becoming a Princess which was your dream."
I know we couldn’t put it on your tombstone because I guess we wouldn’t want to put on your grave ‘May your dreams never die’ or something.
He then turns to another grave, literally right next to her fucking grave, but is clearly upset with that one. Isn’t it convenient how both of those graves that are significant to this character are placed right next to each other?
Suddenly, a hydra is heard off in the distance, likely the main six couldn’t find the Bat-Pony to beat up, so they settled for the hydra.
Actually it turns out that the main six aren’t involved with the hydra, but it’s just an excuse for Bat-Pony to leave so that the main six could snoop around his tomb. What a fucking coincidence!
The main six take a look around finding the tombs of the two ponies Bat-Pony was talking to earlier. Bat-Pony returns and the main six chase after him, wanting some answers. They manage to catch him and Twilight reveals the shocking revelation about the identity our mysterious Bat-Pony.
He’s… a vampire!
Yeah… well, at least he didn’t try to change the twist halfway through it. So… points there?
Yeah, the twist in this is kind of obvious. I know twists are hard to do in stories since they require a lot of setup and a good payoff. But this is hardly what I’d call a good twist.
And as a vampire, Bat-Pony has all the powers and abilities of normal vampires. He can sparkle in sunlight, has rivalries with incredibly hunky werewolves, make teenage girls all over the world swoon. … Actually, being a vampire sounds pretty awesome.
AHHH! GET IT AWAY FROM ME!
As fear grips the group about vampires, they attack it with Twilight leading the charge! Yeah, kill that Twilight Sparkler… Twilight Sparkle!
However, in the confusion, the hydra moves in and rather than warn the main six, Bat-Pony goes off on a rant about how much is life sucks. (Heh, Vampire humor.)
He closed his eyes as he took off his hoodie and his face mask. "Monster..." Creature said revealing his now glowing red eyes under the moonlight, like burning rubies. "Do you know how sick to death I am of that word?!" Creature barked as Twilight noticed an uncomfortable pressure filling the room. "You have no idea, what it's like. To have to hide from the ponies you only want to get to know, to have to act like a creepy stalker in order to protect them from the things that go bump in the dark, only knowing that you yourself will be hated and hunted for what you are. I am no monster..."
And how does our vampire prove he’s not a monster? By beating the shit out of Twilight Sparkle!
Creature sneered back showing his monstrous aura "Fine, if I have to protect you. I will give you, your monster!" Suddenly Twilight felt herself being upper bucked by Creature's left hoof as she went flying, unintentionally in the air. He let out a venom filled hiss as he looked at her. Twilight spat out part of a broken tooth as the two looked at each other.
The two continue to fight, with I guess the rest of the main six playing cheerleader at this point.
He then bolted forward and then swung for Twilight again, only for the Princess to chuck a rock at him.
It was a big rock* as Creature had to soar over it.
Okay, I’ll give you one point.
Thanks to Applejack finally stepping in to help Twilight, while the rest of the main six sniff their own farts, Twilight manages to beat Bat-Pony. However, the hydra appears and is pissed off at the Twilight Saga, putting a hit out on all vampires.
The hydra attacks the group and Rainbow Dash manages to cut off one of its heads. Wow, I didn’t know that this was a fic about Rainbow Dash being a superhero. Except this one sucks compared to that one.
But in true, hydra fashion, it grows two more heads to replace it. The group battles the hydra, and I’ve just noticed how many stories have a fight scene with one or more creature. It’s like the story can’t find something interesting unless they assort to violence or sex. As if simple real-life issues were boring.
Anyway, the battle goes poorly for the group, with the hydra tricking the heroes into blowing up it’s heads, so that more grow back. It’s a sad day when a mindless monster is more intelligent than your main cast.
So, as you expect, Bat-Pony comes in to save them at the last minute. Gee, what a surprise.
Her eyes widened as she saw that it was Creature looking right back at the Hydra who looked angry. He said to Twilight "Next time I say listen to me, stop and listen to me" teasing the princess as Twilight sheepishly nodded.
Wait… What?! When the hell did you say that?!
All you did was whine about how you aren’t a monster and my life sucks and how angsty you are. You never said that there was a giant hydra that was going to eat you. Also, thanks for finally showing up, asshole! What, were you just going to let Twilight and her friends die? It’s not like you were incapacitated. This is the line you said right before you save them.
Creature on the other hand just stood there, having a debate with himself. He tried repeatedly to warn them about the Hydra, okay Twilight, but no pony listened to him. Instead they attacked him, tried to drive him away from the ponies he'd loved to protect. Why should he help them?
Congratulations, you’re an asshole!
So, they manage to subdue the hydra, Twilight apologies for being a dick, Bat-Pony is showered with praise and they even share a high five.
Creature walked forward and extended a hoof "It's cool" as the two connected with each other in a hi fiving type of way.
Oh, I’m sorry. ‘Hi five’!
Our last chapter gives some backstory to Bat-Pony, but I really don’t care. And neither should you.
This story had some potential, but any that it had is squandered by the poor execution. The character isn’t likable. We really don’t learn that much about him until the end. Twilight is made to be vengeful without much of a reason.
Yeah, having someone fuck with your head is bad, but it wasn’t so much that Twilight would have been out for blood. Hell, Trixie stole her home from her and even she was willing to forgive that.
The descriptions range from passable to bad. While they are few, there are actually some moments of decent writing here. To the point where I can tell that there was at least effort put into it. Much more than other fics I review that are similar.
A little more polish and a lot more practice and the writing could have actually have been good. It wouldn’t have saved the story because the plot is so weak and it’s character uninteresting. Some of the jumps in logic are not there. And the story can’t balance writing more than 2 to 3 characters a scene, making the main six feel like they don’t need to be there and it could have worked much better with just Twilight and the vampire.
It would have at least given more of a focus instead of having Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie and Rarity there who don’t do anything or contribute anything.
A fic that at least tries, but fails to live up to that effort.
Have a good day guys.
As you do.
Now if only I had some silver food spray...
The author's name is in the title. That alone has me worried.
You're welcome
Then again, you don't see many good guys with red eyes... I think...
He double parked for five minutes?
What is this I don't even
It's not like they can help it. Spiders are everywhere.
... Like crawling across the back of your computer right now.
Exhibit A, me.
Wait a minute... When was this published?
6th December from the looks of it. Which is funny because that particular phrase showed up here (1:25):
Back in 2013
Author, I know the phrase sounds cool. But handle your shout-outs better. If you have anything else from RWBY in here, I might get more suspicious.
And he's talking to the grave. Not unusual, but with the last possible RWBY shout out I'm jumping to conclusions (Ruby Rose had a similar conversation with her Mother's grave at the beginning of Season 3)
I think you mean resort.
Nice review, poor story. Can't wait for the next one
I tried to read that fanfic but I couldn't get past the first paragraph. There was no grab attention line.
If only it were possible.
Well, it kind of is. I tell you, the things people will do!
That is bloody surprising. People will fantasize though, can't stop them from doing that.
Maybe I should try that.
OK, skipping that idea then.
Few wish to believe that of their own opinions, even thous without a good one. And most everyone as one. An opinion I mean.
I am liking that part of the story already.
So, it is a self insert? Big bloody surprise there. You seem to find a lot of these.
You are questioning the mind of Fluffle. That is some dangerous territory that could melt you brain.
About as dangerous as questioning the mind of Pinkie.
And yes, it would be nice to know what Twilight is dreaming. I am sure it is not of me. Well, that might be a nightmare for her, so maybe she is, who knows. Seems this story isn't telling.
OK, I like the part about some creepy creature stocking twilight, but thinking it is evil because he has red eyes. Hmmm...
Who else has red eyes?
i.ytimg.com/vi/mzKF18dSRn0/hqdefault.jpg
Yep, it is ofishal. Dash is evil. No wonder so many write her up as being a jerk. It's those red eyes!
Is Bat Pony a him, or a her? and who is to be taking who for treatment?
I will assume you meant "telling her that he will take her to Zecora for treatment."
I am actually trying to follow along. Something about this story I like, though much of it so far I don't.
The part that he is immune to her magic for one, I don't like.
I think, for the bite on her neck, but that would be more of my assumptions.
That is about as bad, no, worse then the beep on TV.
I did like the censoring they did in the move Dark Man. He got angry, and held the stuffed toy to his girlfriend wile upset, and said "Take the fuzzy elephant!" Though that is not what he originally said. I though the fix in the movie was funny, mostly after knowing what he did say.
This bit of correcting in this story could have been better handled.
See, I knew Rainbow Dash is an evil one. She watches Twilight at night with her red eyes, just like The Bat Pony creature does.
I am doing it in one of mine.
OK, don't look.
But I swearer it is not that bad.
I can hear Zecora saying, "I will pass him some poison, I will whip up with a proper magical baleful-brew. If his attempt is met with ruin and makes me look like an utter manic babbling-fool."
I think I may already have.
What the hay!? Now I am really not liking this this story. What jerks! All of them.
The writer is even making the mane six look like jerks.
Isn't it though.
And why are so many of these "Awesome wanna-a-bes" Also turn out to be such a villain as well. I guess it's one way some try and make their character diverse and not one dimensional. One can do that, without making one side nice and kind, and the other half an uncaring psycho.
3788024
And as I do, though not so much in my stories. Yet!
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But you're right, there is not many.
I am going to give it a go, and may heaven help you all if you ever see it.
3788563 Another sin to add to the pile that this story just keeps making.