I did a bad thing, for good reasons · 10:45am Feb 1st, 2016
About three months ago, a user of this website, who had become a good friend, contacted me to tell me she'd been self-harming. We talked about it a lot that night and I told her I would do whatever I could to stop her. (If you can guess who it is, please do not comment below. Respect her privacy.)
The next day, she skipped her medication, and was acting a little crazy and surprisingly suggested she'd like to try roleplaying with me — and that it would be sexual.
My answer was:
Well, any time you want to, you know where I am. But I wouldn't feel very comfortable making it too sexual. […] It would just feel like I was exploiting you. And I care too much about you to do that.
But I gave it some thought. The self-harm seemed to stem from a need to be punished. If I could punish her in RP, maybe she'd feel less need to punish herself in real life.
So a couple of days later, after we'd both had time to think about it, we agreed we'd give it a try. While I won't go into details, but because of our age difference (I'm in my thirties, and married with children, and she's in her teens), we put in place a few rules that were designed to limit how sexual it would become, and because I was concerned about how she could act crazy when she was off her medication, and later regret it, another rule would only allow us to do it on days when she hadn't skipped her medication.
And ultimately it worked. Her urge to harm herself was reduced. After about six weeks, she stopped.
But along with that, the roleplay became increasingly sexual and extreme.
The line between our roleplay relationship and real life became blurred. This was unexpected, but also welcome. In roleplay, I was always the dominant partner, so it meant that outside roleplay she would also, to a limited extent, do what I said.
When I told her to get off the bathroom floor, put the bottle of pills away, and go to her room, she did.
When I told her to do her overdue homework, she did. Sometimes. Okay, not often.
While this was certainly fairly (no, let's be honest: very) inappropriate, we both enjoyed it, it was improving her self-esteem, making her happier (and indeed making me happier), and reducing her desire to hurt herself.
But anyway, let's fast forward to about a week ago. Somebody else found out. And they told Infinity Shade, my best friend on fimfiction.
Infinity Shade and I had for months had a very open friendship where we told each other a lot of secrets and placed a lot of trust in each other. While she did know about my friendship with the person in question, and she knew about the roleplay, I hadn't let her know how extreme it had become, nor how blurry the line between roleplay and real life was.
So when she found out, she was hurt. Because I was somebody that she trusted, and she's seen a side of me that she didn't think I had. I didn't realize how much this would hurt her, and I'm truly sorry for that. I no longer expect her to ever forgive me, but I need her to know how sorry I am. She was probably my closest friend in the world, and now that's gone.
And now Infinity Shade is concerned for all the other people I'm in contact with on this website. After all, many of them are young and female. (Though this is a My Little Pony website, so that's hardly surprising.) And she has a point.
So the rest of this blog post is an open message to them.
Firstly, I'm a little flirty with most of the people I encounter on this website. If I sign a message a off with a little 
that doesn't mean you're next.
Secondly, the type of relationship I described above happened because the person in question wanted it to happen. For the rest of you — those who don't want it to happen — it's not going to happen. People have different kinds of relationships with different people. Most of you, I think of simply as friends and nothing more, and have never had any plans to force you into something else you weren't comfortable with.
Thirdly, if you're concerned that I'm a danger to you, don't give me your home address. Don't tell me anything that would let me track you down. Not that I'm planning to, of course, but just don't give that kind of information out to people you met on the Internet.
Even if you're not concerned that I'm a danger to you, be concerned. You should always be concerned about everyone. Maybe I'm just pretending to be nice?
Now I've said all that, if you're worried and don't want to be friends with me any more, then I can understand that. I'll miss you, but you need to take your own safety seriously. I expect I'm going to lose a few followers and a few friends over this.
I was honestly trying to help somebody. I never wanted anybody to get hurt.
If commenting below, please consider whether your comment might be better sent to me as a PM.
You did what you could to help a loved one, that's how I see it.
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Mhmm. Thanks, I appreciate that.
I know many others won't see it the same way though. They'd point out that there are other ways I could have helped her which would have worked. Maybe they are right, but it's not like we could test out that theory in a parallel universe.
3726316 People will always see things differently. I personally don't agree with what you did, but I can see why you did it. As I said, you did what you could and what you thought was right, and that's all they could ask of you.
3726316 You shouldn't beat yourself over this. I'm pretty sure you're a good person
Sometimes we make mistakes trying to make the right decision. I'm not going to state my views on this, due to an event that happened to me in the past (similar in certain ways) I will say that sometimes lessons are learned in the most difficult ways. I hope that things improve for all parties involved.
Good try mate.
I see a salty comment downvoter. Whoever you are should be ashamed, the levels of salt I'm detecting are quite weak. If you feel the need to state a negative opinion don't be a wimp and hide behind the anonymity of a nameless vote. People like you are the reason I feel better about myself though, so feel free to continue this behavior!
Not going to mention that most of the rules ended up broken?
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You shouldn't beat yourself for it, you are amazing Vital, and I know it.
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They weren't really broken, but two of them, she indicated she didn't like, and we removed those rules. (If I recall correctly, one rule was lifted in late November, and another in early January.) While the rules were in place, they were followed.
The one in particular that I'll mention was the medication one. She's on a variety of different medications, and she dislikes that people in her life won't trust her unless she fills her body with mind-altering chemicals. Although I personally think that she is best off taking those medications (and she almost always does), I agreed to remove this rule. By this point, we had been RPing for some time, so I had a reasonably good idea of what her limits were, which was one of the main reasons for putting that rule in place. (I didn't want her to go crazy one day and go further than her usual limits, and later regret it.)
3726342 I HAVE DONE NO WRONG! EJECT! EJECT DAMMIT!
3726342 I stand by what I said. I'm not going to give an opinion on this situation due to a past incident. Some of life's lessons are learned the hard way, and I hope for the best with all parties involved.
3726348 You're very good at making it look like you're the good guy you know?
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I never claimed that I didn't enjoy it too. Sexual RP can be fun in itself, but mostly what I have enjoyed about my friendship with her is the feeling of being helpful to somebody whom I know needs help, being appreciated by someone whom I care about, and being liked by somebody pretty awesome.
I know you're a good guy Vital. I trust you. So please don't take it the wrong way when I say I'm staying out of this.
3726360 I'm sorry to have to state my opinion now, especially with myself wanting to stay out of it, but there are two things that just don't sit right with me. First off, age difference of that extreme. I understand wanting to help someone else, but a sexual rp with a teenager is too much in the gray zone for anyone older than 17 to think it's a good idea. Second, wouldn't sexual rp's count as cheating on your wife? Having a sexual relationship with another person other than who you are wedded to? With my understanding, it would be, and that isn't right.
What did your wife say? Nothing terribly bad, I hope.
Life is a complication of tricky choices at best, at worst a complete disaster, rules of life are not the same as human rules, one should never be confused with the other, sometimes we have to do what ever it takes to help another and in so doing find peace within ourselves, to often we are limited by the simple minded limits placed upon us by society to see the big picture. I am one who sees beyond, and lives, you have done nothing wrong. and have nothing to be sorry for.
Sounds like you're not feeling too good about this. I'm here for you.
Vital, what you did, granted, was a bad thing, I can't lie to you. But your intentions were only to help someone you care about, and I see nothing wrong with that. If I were in this situation, I think I would do somewhat of a similar thing to help someone I cared about. So, please, please, don't beat yourself up about doing the right thing.
3726364 3726366 Responded via PM.
3726342 Yeah I understand that but still. He had good intentions
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I do think Scootaloo96 understands that I do genuinely care about her, and am trying to help her, but he nevertheless believes we went way too far. (And he happens to know a lot of the details about exactly what went on, so isn't in such a bad position to judge.) And I do actually agree — he's right, we did.
But that's the past. I think we can limit ourselves better in the future.
3726395 Okay I guess
Oh dear.
No good deed goes unpunished does it?
I'm sorry Vital Spark.
I'm sorry you're going through this.
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It would be wrong to characterize it as either entirely good or entirely bad. It happened because I thought it would help her. But it also happened because I thought we'd both enjoy it. (And it did help her, and we did both enjoy it.)
3726408 well you know- you tried to help and it sounded like it DID help.. I don't understand why your friend would get so upset about it, and furthermore feel the need to "warn" people.
It's so so satisfying to help people with big issues like alcoholism and cutting / self harming and it's nice to think something we have done helped them.. But ultimately the only one who can help them is them.
It was good of you to try, though.
I'm sure your friend will see that way.. And all will be forgiven.
I still love you if that matters
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Because of the way he was helping her. He's in his mid thirties, she's a teenage girl. What they were doing was wrong
3726598 I suppose. I still love Vital Spark though.
You did what you could. I understand where you're coming from. I know you did what you could. It's hard not to, I know, but don't get too worked up over it. I tell this to a lot of people, yes, but it was the best choice for me when I was unhappy. I also know that you would never involve me in something like what happened in that roleplay, because of my age and well, general discomfort to the subject.
I think it would be better if we stopped talking as much, but I'll still message you with updates and maybe a little conversation starter sometimes. My parents are generally concerned of me talking to someone of your age, so it probably would be the best choice. Still love ya though, don't forget that, okay? I'll always be there for a friend, no matter what
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Yep, that's fine, and also makes a lot of sense given given that you're planning on distancing yourself from fimfiction anyway.
First and foremost, I don't think sex RP with somepony who you know is a minor (even they're emancipated where you live and also where they live) is legally safe in most parts of the Western world, particularly when you have discussed their RL with them. I'd be very concerned about that. I don't think posting about it here is a good idea either, and I think you should delete this post. I'm concerned you might end up in a lot of trouble. Anywhere in the US you would definitely be in danger, even if she's seventeen.
That said, I don't think it's fair to say that you did it for good reasons, even if she wasn't a minor. When we provide reasons for our actions, most of that reasoning occurs in retrospect. The problem with sex and lifestyle issues is that they always tilt your view of the world toward things which feel good both mentally and physically. Somewhere along the way, you let your needs and desires get in the way of your friend's, and this seriously compromised your judgment.
Even the idea that roleplaying with abuse could be therapeutic is extremely sketchy. You had no idea what would happen. She could have killed herself right at the outset, for all you knew. Your friend needs a therapist and a psychiatrist. She does not need what you gave her. Even if it helped her, it was extremely dangerous for both of you psychologically. I worry that you're still trying to rationalize your actions as not being self-centered, and that's why you've laid out this TMI here, because this is really not something you should be opening up about or admitting to in public.
I honestly hope you are able to reconcile with your other friend someday. But I think I can understand how she feels, because you're still not accepting responsibility for what you did. You need to do some more honest thinking about what happened.
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I've checked the laws where I live (not the US) and am fairly sure we always stuck to the right side of them.
The person in question has been in and out of therapy for years with very little results.
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While I stand by my comments, I don't think you're a bad person. I wanted to make that much clear.
I hope the best for you and both of your friends. I know how bad depression can get, and it can be a mess to treat. Generally the best you can do is to keep pushing to see different therapists and to try different medications until something works.
Sexual roleplaying with a teenager you knew was mentally ill? This may not be directly illegal, but it sure as hell is unethical. I'd be ashamed of myself if I did that to someone.
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Mentally ill is going a bit far. She has mood swings and is prone to depression, but she's an intelligent, rational person. (Probably moreso than I am.) But I didn't claim this aspect was something I was proud of — it was something that happened.
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Clinical depression is a mental illness, though. It's nothing to be ashamed of, and neither intelligence nor rationality play into it. However, it is a legitimate, medically recognized illness that should be treated.
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She has been getting treatment for depression for the last four years, I believe.
Don't worry, all interactions can be considered delicate. Relationships are so fragile and it's easier to allow yourself to deviate into a less considerate mindset in pursuit of helping others. It's not like there was any malicious intent from any party involved, and this outcome was possibly unavoidable.
What you did was tolerable, you aren't exactly a criminal but some people still take exception to whatever you did, and I don't think that's fair. I personally think you're great. Keep up the good work.
Maybe you should add the new stuff to this
Or or I could link everyone telling them the latest developments? That sounds like a good idea.
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Or you could stop threatening him?
4383848 Ha point proven. He couldn't respond himself he sent you instead
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I'm not even supposed to comment on this blog.
4383852 Says who?
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I brought it to her attention because she deserved to know. I had not yet had time to respond.
I won't be updating this blog firstly because hardly anybody is going to look at an old blog post, and secondly because the main points that I made in it are still pretty valid. There are details I didn't go into at the time, because the details are private to me and the other person, and the details don't really add much to the message of the blog post. The details may have changed with time, but I still think them remaining private to us, and not adding much to the message of the blog are true.
You could, but in doing so you'd hurt somebody you claim to care about.
4383862 Finally you decide to respond, took you long enough. That threat was to get your attention so you stop ignoring me like a coward. You need to know what you did was wrong
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I was not ignoring you; just really had no idea how to respond to that first message. Also, I've had a busy weekend (Friday and Saturday in particular).
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