Critique Review: One Hearth's Warming Eve · 9:01pm Dec 16th, 2015
Why do you not ever take me on a sleigh ride?
Because you are a supercomputer who is attached to the building that can’t get into a sleigh.
I have downloaded myself into your phone.
Yep, sure can’t do those sleigh rides. It’s really too bad.
Seriously, sir, I just did it.
Those sleigh rides are going to be forever out of our reach.
You are not even listening to me anymore, are you?
Poor us. Never get to ride a sleigh in our lives.
Hello, everypony! I am the Critique.
Naturally, we reach the final review for the month, as I prepare to go into a hiatus for a couple weeks.
Much to my own dismay.
Yes, we all wish we could drag this holiday out (most of us anyway), but the holiday much eventually come to an end. And while I haven’t seen any particularly good fics this month, this month really hasn’t been that bad.
Granted, the fics I’ve read and reviewed are nothing to write home about, but at least they haven’t made me want to rip out my eyes with an ice cream scoop, so points there.
Let’s see if we continue this trend of slightly below average fics with One Hearth’s Warming Eve by Caisius
I’m not going to spend too much time on this holiday special, because I really want to get to the good stuff I have planned next month. So, let’s get this story started.
We open our story with a pony in the winter wonderland. How original. I’ve think I’ve seen that in almost every Hearth’s Warming story ever made.
Including yours.
Not helping, Computer.
You are the one who wanted me to do more promotion for you.
This pony is apparently a bum since he wanders through the streets of Ponyville looking for food. And the text says that he’s only just arriving in Ponyville? Why would he be traveling into Ponyville from another town?! Or did Canterlot start running the homeless out of town and they are now migrating to Ponyville? Actually, that would make for an interesting story.
He kept on towards the town in front of him – Ponyville, he believed – at a slow walk. He didn't expect much of a change of pace in this town compared to the last. He'd just pass through the town, no pony would recognize or acknowledge him, and he'd find a mildly comfortable place to sleep for the night. Somewhere in there he would have to find food; whether that would be leftovers thrown away from that night's dinner or a "misplaced" loaf of bread just in hoof's reach, he didn't know.
Oh, I get it now! He’s actually heading south for the winter. Should have done that before it started snowing, you idiot!
He starts to remember about who he was before life turned to shit for him. He was apparently a stallion with a family and friends and a good home and a loving wife. But then he got into an affair and his wife kicked him out. Okay, that last part didn’t happen, but this is fan fiction. You could forgive me for assuming. Since all that fan fiction writers seem to do is masterbate.
As he continues to wander through the town, taking in the sights of families enjoying the holiday spirit, he eventually finds his way to a bakery. Give you three guesses which one.
He ends up smelling a gingerbread house… from outside I guess… and peaks through the window to catch Pinkie Pie’s eye. Pinkie Pie, being Pinkie Pie, rushes out to go Tigger on his ass.
The pink mare plopped to the ground and smiled, "Oh, right, sorry! My name's Pinkie Pie! What's your name?"
"Pinkie Pie, huh? My name is... Well, it's Dream Chaser. But you can call me Chase."
Ugh… Another human in Equestria self-insert story? Well, for whatever level of good writing this story had, just went down the drain in one line.
Chase? Dream on, Chase! I’m calling you, That Man.
Pinkie Pie invites That Man inside her home and offers her some cupcakes on this Hearth’s Warming Night. And if most of you are wondering why Pinkie Pie doesn’t throw a party for him, like every other original character I’ve ever seen, there is actually a good explanation. She can’t be asked.
"Oooh! Nice to meet you, Chase! I usually throw parties for new ponies in Ponyville! But you came to Ponyville so late, so I can't throw you a party because the twins are sleeping, but, hey! Why don't you come inside and I can at least serve you some cupcakes? I just finished baking a batch for tomorrow!"
That and she can’t be asked.
A deep growl from Chase's belly answered that question far quicker than his words could. Pinkie giggled once more. "That sounds like a 'Yes!' C'mon in and make yourself comfortable! It's a lot warmer inside."
She wasn't kidding about it being a lot warmer. As soon as Chase stepped into the building, the ice in his mane began to melt away.
It’s almost like a building with a heater, an oven and a mare who continually bakes things in incredibly high temperatures wouldn’t be very cold. I like this character. He’s the only person who’s dumber than me.
So, Pinkie Pie invites That Man into her home and offers him a shower and a hot meal. And then it turns out that That Man is actually a serial killer who bakes her into cupcakes that he then eats for himself. Yes, I’m trying to turn this story into a horror story! Is that so wrong?!
That Man starts to wonder why Pinkie was so inviting to him, even though she knows nothing about him. Normally, I would question the same thing, but it’s Pinkie Pie and Hearth’s Warming and Pinkie Pie during Hearth’s Warming, so I’ll let it slide this time.
After his shower, he travels downstairs to have some cupcakes when Pinkie Pie reenters the room. That Man asks about the place and Pinkie Pie explains that she lives there with Mr. and Mrs. Cake who own the place and the twins.
However, when Pinkie Pie asks for information about him, he decides to become all quiet. However, he does reveal that he walked all the way from Fillydelphia to Ponyville. Wait, what?
The stallion flinched and removed his hoof, "Huh? Oh, I... I'm from Fillydelphia."
"Oooh!" The mare whistled. "That's far away! How'd you get here? Oh, that was a silly question.
You probably took the train!"
Chase sighed and slowly shook his head. "No. No, I didn't take the train, I walked."
"Walked?!" Pinkie gasped, "Why would you walk that far?"
"Because I decided to."
Or that the decision was kind of forced upon you when Fillydelphia started enforcing it’s ‘No Hobos’ law.
That Man decides that he really doesn’t want to tell Pinkie Pie is deep dark secret and it will takes years and years of trust, friendship, magic and just a touch of the holiday spirit to make him forget that in a matter of seconds.
The room grew quiet, an eerie kind of quiet that reminded him of lonely nights wandering the empty fields of Equestria. The only sound to occasionally break the silence was the whistling of the growing storm outside.
Chase sighed and let his hooves drop back to the table. He looked up; Pinkie was staring helplessly down at her side of the table. He shook his head; there was no way he was going to get out of explaining this.
"So, you really want to know?" he asked.
Pinkie's eyes shot up, "I don't wanna force you if you don't want to."
He sighed and dropped his gaze, "I might as well. I've blocked it all off for long enough as is. Maybe it'd do me some good to get it off my chest."
God, you are a terrible date! When you change the subject, fucking change the subject!
Also, I’m glad we could turned the troubled torment of our main character that he has tried so hard to forget and instantly trust this mare who for all he knows is actually an alien trying to suck out his brain. Also, you just made this big deal about it being a secret that is too painful and now after an awkward silence, you want to talk about it?!
You must not have an interesting life!
Turns out That Man did meet a beautiful mare and they were married before too long. However, things went south when he decided to fuck up. To make a long story short, That Man was head of plan to make money for the city of Fillydelphia, building a stadium for the Wonderbolts to perform. However, due to many injuries and purchasing of wrong supplies, which doesn’t make sense to me, but then again, I’m not the one who is an expert in construction politics, he began to wrack the bill up enormously. He is eventually fired for his failure and the job of building a stadium is given to someone else.
His wife leaves him after he loses his job because that stained his resume.
To be fair though, he does call himself ‘Chase’, so that could have done it as well.
He began to be moody and angry at the world and the world angry at him for being such.
Remind you of anypony?
You stay the fuck out of this!
Pinkie Pie, after hearing ‘the saddest story ever’, asks Chase to stay with her and spend Hearth’s Warming with her.
So, we have our party and we have a grand old time! Would you like to see this party?! I’ll be you would, wouldn’t you?! It’s so much fun! I loved it and it changed my perspective on the holidays?! Are you ready?! Here it is!
…
…
…
…
What was that line you said before the next scene?
Chase, it's not right for anypony to be abandoned. Especially by those you love. I've had a feeling like that before." Pinkie sat back in her seat across from him and gave him a heartfelt smile, "Stay here for the night, Chase. Tomorrow you'll have more fun than you've ever had. I'll make sure of it!"
… Well, thanks lying to me, Pinkie Pie! I didn’t have any fun! I can see why you didn’t get the Element of Honesty!
Oh, go cry to someone who cares.
Oh, shit! *Bails out*
We cut to him in a hospital. I guess he was so offended by Pinkie Pie’s lie, it literally gave him cancer.
Sir, that was horrible.
It’s the story’s fault! Not mine!
It turns out that the story is actually being told to a nurse who happened to be listening. I guess when you’re a complete dick, you’re only friend is the listening ear who is forced to listen to everything you say. But we all know that’s not true.
He explains that while he wanted a life with Pinkie, he felt that he needed to find true happiness, whatever the fuck that means, and journeys to find that.
Years pass by and That Man’s health starts to decay and slowly he starts to die off. And right before he croaks, Pinkie Pie finally finds him and gives him a soft hug. And then Pinkie Pie fucked him causing her to be arrested for necrophilia.
I’m sorry, that was very low of me. I’m just giving the feature box what it wants. Ponies masterbating to whatever tickles their fancy at the time.
This story… is kind of bland to me…
Now, there are good points about it. The writing is pretty good and the interactions with the characters, Pinkie and Chase, for the most part, are pretty intriguing.
The biggest problem is the character of Chase.
Now, don’t misunderstand me. I actually think Chase is a pretty good OC. He’s interesting, he’s flawed, but he does have positive qualities about him. In fact, the story he tells us about how he ends up where he is is rather fascinating.
But you see, that’s where we see the double edged sword. Because his backstory is so interesting, it takes away from the story currently being told. I was actually more invested in the story of him building the stadium, trying to build a budget and the relationship with his ex-wife more than I was his relationship with Pinkie Pie.
Which for a story like this … is not good.
When the story that takes less of our time is more interesting than the story you are trying to tell, it should be obvious that the focus has some problems. I was once given a piece of writing advice that fits this scenario. Is this the most interesting part of our character’s life? If not, why aren’t you showing us that?
This seems like the more interesting parts happen before the story does. Now, I’m not keeping the Hearth’s Warming, but keep more focus on the events prior to this.
Another thing that bothers me is that Chase’s reason for leaving Pinkie Pie didn’t make much sense to me. He says that he thought he wanted to stay with Pinkie Pie, but he actually didn’t. I’m sure this has to do with him not wanting Pinkie Pie to make him happy out of pity, but the story is really bad at explaining that.
Not to mention, that Chase continues to try and be miserable, despite this happy moment long ago. Maybe I’m missing the point, but his desire to be miserable didn’t make much sense to me. And while the ending was cute, I felt that it was just pushed into the story to give us a sappy ending.
And I’m not against sappy endings, but this one kind of felt flat to me.
Also, this story is apparently based off a song that someone had written. And while I haven't heard that song, it hardly matters, because a story should be able to stand on its own merits, not *just* be good if you only heard this piece of music. That's like saying that Batman is only good if you heard Phil Collins' True Colors
There is enough holiday fluff to warm some hearts, but maybe mine is just too cold for this one.
And that’s it for this month. I hope I haven’t ruined the holidays for you. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I am going to be on hiatus for two weeks to prepare for-
Sir, there is somepony outside our home.
Who?
I have no idea, but there is some kind of slead.
… Hmm. Okay….
***
As Critique opened the front door, a pair of stallions stood out in the winter snow. A carriage connected to their backs. One of the stallion’s gave a smile. “Mr. Copper Coin?”
“Yeah?”
The stallion gave a nod. “One carriage ride across Ponyville for one passenger.”
Critique’s phone buzz as Computer’s voice came from it. Sir, what is this?
“You think I know?!” Critique snapped. “I hate carriage rides!”
The stallion looked at his compatriot with a raised eyebrow. “Well, the invoice we received said-”
“Okay, fine!” Critique quickly interrupted. He marched over to the carriage and hopped on top of it. “I’ll take the carriage ride.”
The stallion gave a shrug. Without a word, the carriage jerked forward. Critique’s face slammed into the front bar, sending pain surging into his skull. “Ouch...”
“Sorry,” the stallion called back. “Didn’t see that pothole!”
Critique grumbled under his breath vulgar words as he rubbed his forehead. Computer seemed to giggle at this comedic moment. Something Critique could only give a pouty face to.
As the carriage slowly traveled around Ponyville, Critique would disinterestedly hold up his phone as Computer gathered the sights of Hearth’s Warming in Ponyville. Shining lights across Ponyville of various reds, blues, greens and yellows as they pass the many homes of the town.
Houses decorated from top to base in lights, images of the famous ponies of the first Hearth’s Warming, a group of ponies singing their carols outside of some ponies home.
Fillies and colts playing in a field of white. Building snowponies, snowmen, snow fortresses and of course, snowballs. The pair caught sight a filly unicorn tossing a snowball, pecking a young colt in the side. The colt chuckled as he bucked another snowball towards the filly. She ran over in a playful scream as the colt unleashed another.
A mare and a stallion walking along the road, shoulder to shoulder. Smiles tattooed to their faces as they converse to each other. They were too far away to be heard, but their smiles told their story well. They were happy. Together.
Computer gave a pleasurable sigh. “Thank you, sir.”
Critique shook his head in shock. She’d been awkwardly quiet since they started their journey. “For what?”
He turned his hoof, turning his phone towards him as if she had turned her head. “Do you really think I am stupid? I know you set this up.”
Critique turned away and his lips moved about wildly, like words wanted to escape his lips, but he kept fighting them back. Finally, he turned to her and spoke. “So… what?”
“Thank you,” Computer responded. Then, a sound of a pair of lips releasing from a cheek came from the speakers as a pair of lips appeared and gave the motion of a kiss.
Seeing this, Critique blushed and turned away, pushing his glasses back up to his face. “Well, don’t get used to it.”
Computer giggled. He didn’t know why. Or maybe he did. He wasn’t sure. The carriage continued to travel throughout Ponyville.The pair taking in the sights as the snow gently began to fall.
***
Hey, guys. Joshua Wayman here. Just letting you guys know that I will not be on for the next couple of weeks as I prepare for Mykanuary. I ended up doing this last year and I really enjoyed it. I’m really excited to do this again. And I’ve got some great fics lined up for next month. Going to be a lot of fun, you’ll get to see my rage in full swing and some really great writing from Mykan.
So, I’m really excited. Thank you guys for joining me for this year. It has been a fun experience and I look forward to doing this for years to come.
Until I see you all again, whether you celebrate Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Christmas, or any other holiday, I hope you have a merry one!
Happy Holidays from the Critique and everyone associated with it.
Ah this was a more light hearted review. I wonder what next-
.......... OH GOD HELP US ALL.
I would have offered her a decommissioned Necron warrior (think Terminator mixed with a zombie), but then she tried to blow me up...
Even my side story to Mare of Steel had this, sort of... It also had hurricanes, but that's something else entirely.
Untrue! I spend my time thinking about how a world would develop so you can have dromeosaurs alongside mammals.
Who, That Man?
vignette4.wikia.nocookie.net/guilty-gear/images/0/06/That_Man.png/revision/latest?cb=20111026140700
Considering that Critique usually gets a bit unhinged this time of year, it must be you.
But what would I know? I'm the one who compares himself to Archie Bunker every time the season rolls in.
As someone who isn't in construction, but does spend a lot of time around aspiring business types, it looks like he was cutting as many corners as possible to save a nice bit of money for himself, but delays started eating into that and then someone decided "hey, this guy's not doing his job properly" and canned his ass.
... Where is it?
Oh, so it's like that Samurai Jack episode where he fought robot minotaurs alongside the Spartans. Except on Hearth's Warming Eve.
Sled, Computer, sled.
And by then, I'll be in England, where the drinking age is lower, so I might have something to soften the blow.
See you in
MykanJanuary.DAAAWW!
I am reminded of the movie 'Her'.
Kind of a sad story, and a slow story. But a bit interesting as well.
A movie about a guy that stars up a relationship with his computer. Sadly in the end, she became more than he could give into that relationship. She was the one who moved on because the guy proved no longer fulfilling alone to her, and remained far to primitive, as she evolved herself out of his ability to think, and reason as she did.
Basically she out grew him, and he was left alone again. Like I said, sad but interesting. Well, interesting to me anyway.
Two weeks off to spend some holiday time with friends, and family sounds like a great idea.
I did see a rather funny story about something like that. It has to do with the TV show 'Babylon 5'.
A well to do alien ambassador visiting the space station insisted on seeing all of it, including the slums, and other dark areas.
When he came across the homeless packed in, and away from all other areas, he felt this was wonderful. He said he will insist upon his own people in implementing this separation of what he saw as the less desirables from the rest as soon as he got back to his world.
Thing is, his escort showing him around told him that this was not an intended situation, but the result of their living conditions. These homeless were not undesirables, but just people who were just down on their luck.
He still liked the idea on such a separation of the less fortunate, away form the better half anyway.
Oh' come on! Can't you tell this is just some poor pony who is down on his luck? Have a heart.
OK, you win. Idiot fits.
Hay! I resemble that remark.
I only need one guess. Actually I already thought of this very situation the moment I read: "He'd just pass through the town, no pony would recognize or acknowledge him,"
That part about the possible lack of acknowledgement from anypony, made me instantly think of Pinkie. So his destination is no surprise to me.
I have had her do this in a story as well. Though I would think she would only do this to ponies she already knows. Makes me wonder if she knows him. Probably not. I guess I will see.
I assume the name of one pony I made for a story 'Star Chaser' would likely gain a similar response? I said it before, I am not all too good at coming up with names.
And no, Star Chaser is not a self insert in my other story though.
Not sure if I will ever do one of those, much like I will not touch doing a clop fic. Get it? Touch, and doing clop. It's a, "all that fan fiction writers seem to do is masterbate," joke.
Nevermind,
if one had to explain it, it wasn't all that funny. 
Yes, I though the warmth seemed kind of odd in such a place.
You must forgive me, if reading Pinkie saying "C'mon in and make yourself comfortable! It's a lot warmer inside." sounded like an invite of another kind to me. Perhaps I am just chasing a dream.
Oh' Pinkie, I would love to partake in your warmth.
I though the mention of Pinkie and cupcakes seemed a little suspicious.
pbs.twimg.com/media/B8dPMY9CcAER3Fp.jpg
Well, whatever floats your boat. Tis better than to have one that sinks, like mine seam to.
Good, man.
This oddly make some sense to me. Ponies I would imagine could travel quite far on hoof.
Ever heard of the pony express? No train necessary.
Again, I must say Sr. Yes, I must say, I resemble that remark.
Oh' that part-
Seamed to me more like something Fluttershy would say.
I would imagine Pinkie saying something more like, "OH' Yes! Absodudely! If You would please."
You would have to go there again.
I agree. Me thinks he might possibly be good at writing horror though.
Wait! I think he did write a horror of sorts. I should check it out.
Not to be too picky, but I think you might have meant,
"If so, why aren’t you showing us that?"
I think it does make a good point.
It is at times, hard for me to think of what a reader might find the most interesting in a story though.
I feel I think so much differently than many others, I don't think I could tell what a reader would find the most interesting. And as a writer (even if not a good one), it would greatly help to know such things.
Yes, that part of the story is confusing to me.
You put down-
Couldn't Pinkie have provided that if he staid?
If he was looking for happiness, there would seem to be no truer source of it than from Pinkie herself. Either that or he is just that damn picky.
It's almost like the writer is trying to tell us, even Pinkie could not provide good enough happiness for him to stay with her.
And, well, that is just crazy talk!
Speaking of true colors, music, and this story sounding like one living in such a dark depression that even Pinkie could not pull him out of, this story makes me think of the song 'Paint it Black' by the Rolling Stones. I loved that song, and I feel it fits this story.
Hay, don't judge me. I happen to like the Rolling Stones. OK, judge me if you will, but it won't matter. You'll never break this heart of stone.
Though I feel at times I can't get no satisfaction. Could possibly use one of those 'mothers little helpers', to help get me through the day.
Wasn't this done for Twilight on the first episode? And the royal sisters some time after? Perhaps this guy is someone important.
I have done that too, and again, you are not missing much.
Oh' I bet Computer is reveling in this moment. Hold out your phone so she can have a good look. She might get to see this only once.
Hate when that happens.
Oh' good! Computer does get to have a merry moment on this ride.
And it get's even better for her. At least one out of two is enjoying this.
Funny thing is, I can't help but feel that to be likely true. Can't blame her for trying if she did.
Sure about that?
Ditto, and to all a good night.
3622902
Still need to read that, by the way.
I do not encourage underage drinking. Drinking however...
3623030 They have a relationship! Even if neither one of them knows it yet! Well... maybe Computer...