Nightmare Month: Skittish · 7:50pm Oct 28th, 2015
The Critique stood outside another home as the frantic children of all shapes and sizes scattered throughout Ponyville in series of cheers and quoting the famous little poem to politely ask for candy. Under the light of the moon, as if to spotlight him, he gave a smile. “Hello, everypony! I am-”
“Uncle Copper! Uncle Copper!” He heard a high pitched voice as he felt a small tug at the scarf around his neck.
“One second,” he said to the audience before glancing down to the unicorn filly that was his niece.
The light blue foal wrapped in a black cape smiled to the Critique. “Look!” She opened her little plastic bag, revealing a caramel apple. “I got a caramel apple!” She exclaimed, clearly excited her treat. Not surprising. That old couple had always given out the best treats. He might not dress up, decorate, give out treats, keep his lights on, or (during most years) celebrate this holiday, but he knew the best routes for Nightmare Night.
“Hey, that’s pretty cool,” Critique said, giving his best impression to be impressed when talking to a little kid. Melody seemed to buy it, and that’s all that matters. “So, I guess you’re done for the night, huh?” He asked, giving a little pat on Melody’s head.
“Uncle Copper,” she giggled. “We just started.”
Critique giggled as well, a tad disappointed with her answer. All he really wanted to do was crawl in bed and forget about Nightmare Night, but that wasn’t about to happen. Not with his niece so excited. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.”
“You’re so silly, Uncle Copper.”
“Melody! Come on!” A group of fillies stood just a few yards of the road. All in bright costumes. A mermaid. A princess. Some superhero. And another vampire. Most of them Melody’s age. A few girls a bit older, but not by much. “We’ve got to go to the Cake’s house! They’ve got all kind of goodies!” the princess called over to her.
Without a word, Melody sprinted over to her group, candy bag in mouth.
“Don’t you kids wander too far ahead of me!” Critique called out as they started to wander towards the Cakes in a skipping manner. A collective response of “WE WON’T” came to his ears as he started to trudge along following them. “As you can see, I’ve been roped into babysitting my niece and her friends on Nightmare Night.
“Your brother saves your life one time! One time and he thinks you owe him by taking his niece out on Nightmare Night.”
”Come now, sir. It is good for you to spend time with your niece.”
Another chorus of ‘Nightmare Night! What a fright! Give me something sweet to bite!’ reaches his ears as his group finds themselves at another house. Not the Cakes, however. Clearly they were distracted by the decorations of the house.
Critique shook his head. “Well, despite this, I’m still giving you guys my review. And what better way to do that then with this week’s story, Skittish
A ghost story perfectly suited for our Nightmare Month needs. Let’s not waste anytime. Let’s end Nightmare Month with the review of Skittish by MacSpooky.
The story begins with Cheerilee and Big MacIntosh taking her class on a field trip to the Chalk Cemetery. Supposedly the most haunted place in Ponyville. Who takes a class to a field trip to a cemetery?
Teacher: Hey, kids! How about we go see a bunch of dead people so we can desecrate their graves by having one of you go to the bathroom on their headstone? Won’t that be fun?!
There was no way out now. No force in Equestria could keep her students from their visit to the haunted cemetery.
Then why did the principal approve this?! It’s official the education system in Equestria is Fu-
*Hears the laughter of children nearby*
… Gotta keep an eye on my mouth tonight. Messed up.
The mare named Dusty greets the students and says that she’ll be their guide on this tour of the cemetery. And the children actually start cheering, they are so excited to come to this haunted place. Huh? I guess Pipsqueak was right.
Not that you ever amount to anything, you little.... Pipsqueak?
As the tour begins, Dusty notices Cheerilee a bit on edge. I shouldn’t be surprised by this. This happened shortly after The Longest Night. A hat I threw into the massive burning pile of Nightmare Night inspired stories. (Self-promotion, Shameless Self-promotion)
Cheerilee says it's because she’s frightened of cemeteries and Dusty reassures her that if she is upset than she can wait while she takes the class on the tour. Something, of course, Miss Cheerilee wouldn’t be so stupid to do, as she is responsible for the children’s safety…
And that sold it. Cheerilee had to admit she would enjoy a little private time with Big Mac, to ‘let fate sort itself out.’
Oh, come on!
This is as bad as me walking in on my teacher with my neighbor when I had a question on my math homework. I still have no idea how he got into that position.
So, the tour begins, without the world’s greatest teacher around to be… you know… responsible! Dusty explains that the cemetery is indeed haunted and that that spirits of the Chalk family linger around.
Turns out that many of the family members of the Chalk family are killed in incredibly ironic ways.
For example…
Are any of you afraid of fire? Here lie Forge and Ember Chalk. They were lost in a fire 124 years ago. Workers near these graves often set their clothes alight on their own torches or lanterns. Two never recovered from their burns.”
Since my name is Critique, would I die by reading horrible fan fictions and being forced to review them? Or would I die from negative reviews I get on the horrible fanfics I write? … Neither of which sound all that appealing.
Are you afraid of monsters? This is the last resting place of Major Bullmoose ‘Both Barrels’ Chalk, renowned big game hunter. Despite royal decrees against it, he was known to poach for trophies in the Everfree Forest. It is a shame you came too late for the open house at the Chalk Mansion. Our taxidermy collection is the finest in Equestria. But it is just as well. On a night like this many ponies refuse to enter the Trophy Room. At any rate, the Major’s last trophy was supposed to be a cockatrice. This statue is not a statue. It is the Major. There is a time limit on how soon you can be restored after being turned to stone, and his bearers found him days too late.”
And the Cutie Mark Crusaders just wet themselves.
Dusty then explains that everypony has something that they are afraid of and when asked about it. Dusty explains that she is afraid of alone in the dark.
I would be too, that was a terrible movie.
“But fear not, children,” said Dusty, solemnly. “You are not alone in the dark. You are with me. And I give you my promise, I will not leave you alone in the dark.”
Unlike that teacher of yours, who ditched you to play night games with Big MacIntosh.
What are ‘night games’?
Ask your sister.
They get to the crypt of the last of the Chalk Family where they go on their next stop of the tour.
This crypt was built to hold several future generations, but there are only two occupants – Slate and Blanca Chalk. Note how the door is ajar and torches are lit inside and out. This is how the crypt is always maintained – when the Chalk family estate was willed to the Equestrian Historical Society it was on condition that the crypt be kept so, always.”
“Why is that, Dusty?” asked Apple Bloom.
“For the Chalk’s only daughter, Rosemond. She… was like me. Very, very afraid to be alone in the dark. I’m sure she would appreciate the gesture, if she were here.”
Hmmm… I have a feeling we are supposed to take something from that… But I’m not sure what…
Dusty explains that the daughter, Rosemond, disappeared failing to become a teacher. Apparently, as a substitute teacher, she could not control her class due to her shyness. Well, at least you are trying with your students, unlike Miss Cheerilee over there, playing with Big Mac’s Big Mac!
I know! I know! I should move on, but I just can’t!
Suddenly a couple appear looking for their daughter. None of the students react to a missing child, but Dusty tells them to just wait until their daughter comes to them. Look, I know why Dusty is acting so calmly, but I just don’t feel like this scene should be there. I’ll get to why in a minute.
They were interrupted by the approach of an elderly couple. Nopony saw where they came from; they seemed to appear out of a swirl of ground fog. “Excuse us, but have any of you seen our daughter?” asked the mare.
“No doubt something is holding her,” answered Dusty, smiling at them. “I ‘m sure she will make her way home as soon as she is able.”
“Thank you, Dearie,” said the stallion. He squinted at Dusty. “Do we know you?”
“We have met.”
Anyway, Dusty tells that Rosemond had been the victim of children’s pranks when she receives a notebook that has various embarrassing drawings of her. Don’t worry, Rosemond, all you have to do is make their heads exploded in a very ‘love and tolerant’ way, just like Celestia!
Rosemond, being grief-stricken by the students pranks, stays at school too late that night and is forced to walk home alone. She meets up with a stallion and despite this being a very bad idea with lots of red flags flying around, decides that she would rather not be alone.
This… while still stupid… Makes a lot of sense considering the character. I usually dog on characters that make stupid decisions and while this is a stupid decision, this one actually makes sense when you think about it and when you consider what we know about the character.
We already know she hates being alone in the dark. Hell, she made a big speech about it. With someone, no matter who it is or what the risk, is not being alone. Her fear of being alone overshadows her fear of a stranger. I admit, I actually like this. It shows her greatest fear turning against her to something that’s even more dangerous.
Turns out that the stallion Rosemond ran into was a graverobber and wanted her to join him in selling the corpses of ponies. However, Rosemond realizes that the graves he’s robbing from are her families. Rosemond is terrified of this and runs off. The stallion catches her, but when the two fall to the ground, Rosemond hits her head and dies. Whoops.
After the story, the group head up back to the surface, but Dusty seals herself in the crypt and locks herself away. The children begin to panic and try to save Dusty, but they can’t get the door open. Diamond Tiara figures it’s just part of the act and convinces the other students it is as well.
And… as most of you probably figured out by now…
Dusty graced her with a smile. “You’re a very clever young filly. And you are right, of course. Only two ponies could have known about any of this, and both of them are long dead. For this to be a true story, I would have to be a ghost.”
Dusty is indeed Rosemond.
And as if somepony wasn't quite there on that… A groundskeeper comes up and tells us the twist.
The older pony shook his head. “Dusty was the nickname us kids gave Miss Chalk, way back when. You know, like chalk dust? We thought it was funny, but really it was just mean.”
“You knew Rosemond Chalk, Mister?” asked Silver Spoon.
“She was my teacher, for a couple months anyway, back when I was your age. She was a skittish little thing, but that wasn’t a reason to be cruel. Miss Chalk was smart as a whip, and she always tried to be nice, even when we weren’t nice at all. She could have taught us lots of stuff, if we’d just behaved for her. And she sure didn’t deserve whatever it was that took her away from us.”
And with that, the spirit of Dusty is laid to rest and joins her family in the afterlife.
And now the conclusion…
Taking into account the problems I have with it…
I still think it’s a fun short story.
The problems I have with it are very few to be honest. I don’t like Miss Cheerilee basically abandoning the class because ‘she’s scared.’ That bugged me. Big Mac didn’t really serve any kind of purpose and was just there for fanservice. Though, as you all know, I do support Big MacXCheerilee (though 80% of the feature box are now calling for the marriage of Limestone and Big Mac), but I still found his involvement in the story nonexistent except to be used as an excuse to get Cheerilee out of the story.
I’m not a fan of the ending personally, as I feel it outright tells us the ending of the mystery, rather than leaving it for us to figure out with the groundskeeper just randomly popping in like that.
I also don’t like the overly foreshadowing nature of Dusty and Rosemond being the same pony. I felt that it could have been handled better or more subtly.
And now onto what I do like and why I do give this story a thumbs up. I do like the character of Dusty. She’s an easily likeable character. She’s not some alicorn royalty or some ‘destiny driven’ character, or even has sex with the main six. She’s just a normal pony with a very interesting personality and some horrible backstory, but she uses it to better herself.
To be honest, I was actually a little disappointed we didn’t get to see more of Dusty. I mean, I know she is in the entire story, but I would have liked to have seen more of her. Like, what has she been doing the entire time as she toured the cemetery? Did she always give tours on Nightmare Night? On the other hoof, I do like not knowing as it adds a bit of mystery to her character and which I said earlier, the story was a bit weak in.
I like how the children are portrayed in this. With none of them being outright dickish. Even Diamond Tiara isn’t really that bad. At least, not as bad as I’ve seen her in other stories, where she can be outright heartless. Mind you, Dusty is the one who does most of the talking, but in the little tidbits that each character has, they show a lot more personality than other stories I’ve read that focus entirely on them.
I also love the build up in the horror and atmosphere here. It’s really good at making you want to be afraid of the dark, much like the main character. There’s only a drop of blood in this story, which means it’s able to produce fear by not having a lot of ketchup smeared all over the place. The story knows that gore doesn’t automatically equal horror and that it produces an atmosphere where the gore, though little there might actually be, is actually effective.
I would have liked to have learned more about the Chalk family, but that’s more of a nitpick since they aren’t the focus of the story anyway.
I know I keep going back and forth between not having a mystery versus having the mystery, but that’s only because I’m actually interested in the story and invested in the world of the Chalks that the author was able to create with only 3000 words. Something that Soren the Alicorn or the Starfleet Magic characters of Mykan, with 2 entire stories, hasn’t yet done.
But even if this is all I would get, I would leave this story satisfied as it told the tale it wanted to tell and it told it well.
Overall, an effective little ghost story that really has nothing offensive or appalling about it (in the bad way) and just wants to tell a good story. And I think it does it’s job. If you have a chance this Nightmare Night to check out just a fun little ghost story that you would tell around a campfire, I’d give this one a shot. You won’t regret it. Just … don’t read it alone… in the dark!
***
“And that’s it for Nightmare Month. I hope you all enjoyed it and-”
“Nightmare Night! What a fright! Give me something good to bite!” The children chanted as they appeared at the Cakes house. Critique couldn’t believe it had taken them the entire review to get to that point.
Actually, he could believe it, with the girls stopping every few yards to go to another house. “Sorry, everypony, duty calls.”
Critique catches up with the girls as the gather around the counter of Mr. Cake’s shop. The stallion greets the girls with a smile and hooves out their treats for the night. The superhero smiles to the others. “Look, I got a strawberry cupcake!” she exclaimed as she held out the pastry in question.
“Mine’s chocolate!” Melody continued.
“I got banana nut!” the princess said.
As each of the girls declared their pastry, Critique couldn’t help but smile. A clever thought entered his head as the girls finished stating what treat they received. “I got a rock!” he stated as he reached for the ground and picked up a rock.
Surely, howls of laughter would be in his favor. However, his smile disappeared as the girls, one by one, tilted their heads in confusion. “Charlie Brown?” No reaction. “The Great Pumpkin?”
Still no response.
Suddenly, a chuckle came from Melody as well as a smile, but it was hardly the laugh out loud one he had expected. “You’re so silly, Uncle Copper.”
“Come on!” the princess interjected. “We’ve got to get more candy!”
With that, the five girls leaped to their hooves and ran off back into town.
”I thought it was funny, sir!”
“Shut up, Computer,” he replied, not in the mood to be patronized.
The night moved on as the girls continued their quest to get ‘the most candy in all of Equestria’. A tall order for the five fillies that were swiftly growing tired. Especially the youngest of the bunch. The little light blue unicorn in the vampire cape. Melody yawned as the group made their way back to the little town square, where their parents were waiting for them. All except Melody’s, who were no doubt waiting for her back at their house. Melody set down her candy bag, which was probably quite heavy for her, and laid on a nearby bench.
“Come on, kid,” Critique said as he watched the last of his little group meet with their parents. “Let’s go. Time to go home. We need to get you to bed.”
Melody got up from the bench, but slunk back to the ground as she did. Giving a yawn, she attempted to speak. “But I’m not sleepy,” She couldn’t have been faking it any harder if she was actually trying to fake it. Her eyes were closed and she looked like she barely had enough energy to move.
Critique dug his head underneath her and slipped her onto his back. “Yes, you are.”
“No, I’m not…” her tiny voice was able to get out before it went silent with steady breaths. She barely moved or said a word as Critique took Melody’s candy bag with his mouth.
The trip back to her house was a short trip. A few minutes and the pair found themselves at the front door. After a quick knock at the door, Critique was greeted by his brother and his wife. Sunshine smiled as she noted the tuckered out filly on Critique.
“Aw, poor little thing. She’s tired.” With a flap of her wings, she made her way above them and scooped Melody in her hooves. “Come on, little girl. Let’s get you into bed.”
Melody soared up the stairs to Melody’s bedroom. Bronze turned and gave Critique a smile. “Thanks for doing that for her. It means a lot to Melody.”
Critique scoffed. “Nah, she’s kind of cute. I wouldn’t do that for just anypony.”
A chuckle escaped Bronze’s lips as he gave him another smile. “Thanks again, bro.”
Critique nodded. “Yeah.” He turned away. “Have a good night.” With that, Critique traveled back to him library, a smile on his face. This Nightmare Month… for all it’s problems… turned out pretty okay.
Ooh, this should be interesting. Will Critique be able to keep himself under control with all these kids around?
Do we get extra credit for grave robbing?
I have fears you might fail...
Didn't he become class president or something?
You too?
Either that or they pissed off the wrong blonde... shouldn't have touched her hair.
Admittedly, these stories are pretty cool. Kudos to the author for that.
She's the ghost, isn't she? I read this in a Stephen King story once.
To be fair, she only does that to Chaos Worshippers... wait, wrong fic.
Called it.
We need more stories like this.
Aw, but I like that special.
A nice end to Nightmare Night... shame it can't last; you have to go back to reviewing stories after this.
clearly excited about her treat. But, what ever...
The cool thing is, likely no worries about poison or razors to be found in that apple.
That is a human world worry. One of the many things that makes a fantasy world, like the pony world, rather nice.
Depending on who is doing the writing.
a few yards off the road. Could not help myself.
Cool!
I have done that once. That is, I have been in such a class field trip. What little I remember of it was talks of stone rubbings. Though we were not allowed to do it.
He did win the election to become class president. It's a start. A small one, but still.
You know, these shipping of Big Mac and Cheerilee is soon to be replaced by shipping of Big Mac and Marble Pie. Who seems a little like what Fluttershy use too be like. It dose seem the two do like each other. In fan made stories, it will happen.
The possibilities based on what we choose to do, and such is life regardless.
And a horrible fanfic is a matter of perception. Even though some may not agree with that statement.
I happen to like the ones I read of yours.
Seems odd to me, the idea of a pony being a big game trophy poacher. But the cartoon has had stranger things than that in it.
I bet! After an encounter they had with one.
What can I say, to her the guy is an irresistible stud, and may wish to keep him around for breeding.
It's hard. And I am sure Cheerilee knows it.
Take that one however you like. She take it with relish.
I can't help but think of the moment in Investment Losses when Aurora talks to the two ponies siting next to her on the bus about stranger danger situations.
Some how I have trouble thinking that such would be seen as a troubling situation with the ponies within the cartoon. Though not all stories take directly what life in the Equestria in the cartoon is most likely to be like within many stories, and tend to take more from what we would expect things to be like in the human world, and I am not talking about EQG.
Still, even within the cartoon, there has been a few questionable ponies, children should not likely be left with alone. Sunset Shimmer before she went good, and King Sombra just to name two.
Whoops, is kind of an understatement, but does get the point across.
I had a real nice teacher back in elementary school, 4-6 grade. The kids where so mean to her one day, they made her run out of the room crying. One of the other teachers came in the class room to chew the kids out for being cruel to her. It was a bad scene, a real sad one. She did not deserve what the kids did and said. To say "kids will be kids," is a horrible excuse for what happened that day.
So that sort of thing does happen.
Wow. This story is Critique approved!
Don't see that often.
I am calling for Big Mac and Marble Pie. Though, Marble Pie is a bit young looking, and is Pinkie's, who she called her baby sister. That is sometimes just a pet name for younger sister. No telling how old she is. It is all rather questionable at best.
That has not stopped writers before though. Mostly seeing there has been some debate over the age relevance of the main six within fanfic stories, and what they have been made to be involved with. I say the age issue of the mane six is a little irrelevant to me. None of them are school girls. Not talking about EQG. All of them have jobs, for one. Rarity is even a full fledged business owner. As for actual age, here is an actual quote from Lauren Faust: "I think of them from anywhere from 12-17. I use the excuse that horses age differently then humans to give them their adult independence."
Horses typically reach the age of 30 max. Just as human life expectancy was just around 50-60. Modern medicine has made an impact as to how old we can live now. This is a direct quote- "Under natural herd conditions mares that are in good nutrition typically start cycling, are bred, and become pregnant in their yearling spring, often even before their first birthday. Some of these young mares will lose their pregnancies, but most go on to foal at about the age of 2." So, Horses can bread at the age of three safely, though as young as their first year. Some breeders have them wait till the age of four or five max to have their first foal, just to be extra safe.
So if we are talking about horse, or pony years, not human years as Lauren Faust seems to suggest she is doing, this brings the main 6 possibly at the age of 12 still well within the adult breading age. Likely one at 12 to be anywhere near the age of 19-25 in human years, or even much older, maybe in their mid 30's in human years. Humans can have children at the young age of 14 (individually specific), though mostly start at the age of 16 (when most have their first period. Hence the sweet 16's), though many cultures don't allow it till 18. This would make those like Sweetie Belle to likely be near the ages of 5-10 in human years and possibly 2-4 years old in pony years. that would bring her right near the age for breading, but not likely to do any. In there world they may wait till she is closer to the age of 8 in pony years before she could, just as 16 year old humans, 14 for some, can biologically can have kids, we tend to have them wait till they are 18 at the least.
As I said, the age of the main six is quite irrelevant to me, regarding their eligibility for relationships, and having kids. Rarity has been itching to be in a relationship with at least two possible suters already on the show. Lauren Faust seems to regard them as adults, be it young or mid life adults. She is no longer calling the shots anymore (as far as I know), as to what they are like on the show now. It is all a big guess, none are ever likely to get right.
So I see no prob with Big Mac and Marble Pie hooking up. It would kind of be like a 19 year old hooking up with one who is around 25, and is just a guess. It is quite legal (in most places), even if some do frown on such things.
Wow! that was long. I got to stop doing that.
And he did his job well.
You, actually like not knowing something about a story for mystery's sake?
I never would have guessed. That is kind of news to me.
None of us are entirely what we may appear to be to others. learning that, is part of getting to know someone.
And that is confusing.
I am guilty of doing the same at times. For each person, it depends on what it is a person wishes to see as a mystery within a story, and what is missing from it to make it frustrating, rather then interesting, and entertaining as a mystery.
Not every writer is going to get that right for each reader, though some writers do indeed create a better mystery for most readers then others can, or do.
Critique catches up with the girls as they gather- I know, I'm at it again.
Wrong world. This is also one of the problems of mixing references from the human world with theirs. All you get is confused blank stares. I have seen this in stories with humans that cross over trying to do the same. It rarely, if ever works.
Sure, she would get the reference.
Critique traveled back to his library- Could not resist.
But you do tell a good story.
Funny, with all the stories I came across on my own in the past, I rarely found a story I didn't like. You seem to find a lot of them.
This story dose seem worth having a look at. It will be on my to do list. And it's a long list.
3503416
Funny how grave robbing is in the story.
Yes he sure did, and I brought up that little reminder as well.
You know, the nightmares are never quite over, it's not exactly just a seasonal thing.