Depression · 11:59am Oct 24th, 2015
It sure isn't just being sad... Honestly, it might not be sadness at all. Feels more like... emptiness. Loneliness. Like nothing matters, and everything is distant. Like being in pain, but there's no pain. A constant sense of just wanting something to be over, even if you don't know what that something is...
When I get sad, I'm not empty. I just change. My humor gets dark and morbid, but at least it's there... Some glimmer of light to hold on to. Something to retain control. There's no humor now, just... morbid.
Variation... Sometimes I just feel a little tired. Sometimes a distraction helps and I feel okay for a while. Then when I'm alone again, and in my bad moments, it's suffocating. That crushing sense of loneliness... Never troubled me before, but now it's pervasive, overwhelming...
Lingering... I can wake up and feel mostly okay. Stay that way for a while, but never quite normal. It's as though I'm sitting in the light of a campfire, and a monster lingers at the edge, waiting to attack. Never see it... Like a shadow, flickering at the edge of the light. Makes me nervous, makes me fear, always keeps me afraid even when it's just waiting, watching...
Cycles... I start okay, then I just plummet... The monster attacks, I'm alone and drowning... And then things feel a little better. The monster leaves, I hide in the firelight again. I sleep, and it all repeats. Endless and damning.
Is that what it is? An endless cycle? Hiding in the light, hoping the monster will spare me another night? Seeking false safety at the fire, when the only reason it ever worked is because the monster wanted me to think I was safe?
Limbs heavy, can't move... All the better for the creature to find me. Can't escape, fire is the only solace, but even fire is useless.
Always questioning, always fighting against myself. Doubting friends even as I cling to them, desperate for comfort even as I refuse to believe their words... So afraid of being alone, even as I prepare myself for it. Can't stop talking, even when I don't want to talk... I want to talk, but I try to stop wanting to. How do I win against myself if I can't even choose a side?
Don't know what saying this will achieve... Maybe talking is my only defiance, my only control. Maybe I just need to express what I'm feeling. Maybe I just want to explain why I haven't written anything lately.
I don't know. Maybe it'll pass, maybe it won't. I just needed to speak.
Know the feeling all too well, sadly all I can offer is my sympathies and hope you find some comfort in that.
3493061 I second this.
(hug)
*hugs*
I know this feeling also, living with depression and many other disorders. If you need anything or to talk I'm available pretty much whenever. You've admitted that you have a problem with this on a place like this which means you really want to change. You are fighting the feelings, it makes you strong even if it doesn't feel like it. Some days are harder than others and its hard to forgive yourself at times for not being able to to better. You really sound like you are struggling, have you considered a therapist or counselor?
Take care of yourself, Marshal. If it's as bad as you feel it is, please try to see a doctor or a therapist, and ask friends or family for help finding one if your mindset interferes. This sort of thing can be dangerous.
Don't be afraid to ask for help and support from those around you.
"Even this is a passing thing, this shadow." --Sam Gamgee
Well... speaking is good. I find talking about something makes it much more manageable, no matter what it is. Still, I don't even know where to start with this kind of thing. I have no bearing or experience on it. But you've got what little support I can offer, even if it's just moral.
If nothing else, although I don't know you that well, I feel like you're a good person. Just remember that, will ya?
meds nigga
*hugs*
Medication dude, and always remember, they doesn't start working immediately. But seriously if you haven't already go get some help.
Dragging yourself to a doctor, psychologist or psychiatrist may be your best course of action. Of course, there's a significant hurdle involved in doing anything while you are depressed ...
Even if it never really goes away, it is possible to lower how often and how hard depression hits. I hope you manage to gather enough strength for the first step. Asking people you trust to give you a push can help, provided that this doesn't trigger an opposite reaction.
Good luck.
I never was able to convey this in words... Thanks you.
*hugs*
I started having similar experiences lately. You put into words what I never could. Pretty much exactly the same thing.
I discovered (and subsequently was diagnosed with) bi-polar depression. Ever since I started getting treatment for that I've felt much better.
Just something to consider is all. When you talk about the ups and downs, it makes me wonder if that might apply to you. Note: I'm not a doctor.