How I Lost Something · 9:51am Sep 27th, 2015
You know, a show like Friendship is Magic isn't the sort of thing I usually go for. I don't watch cartoons very much in general, and even when I do, it's usually something like King of the Hill. The pony show is colorful, sometimes childish, family friendly, girly, and very often just feels lighter and softer. I've always been into gritty science fiction, cyberpunk. dieselpunk... I've never cared much for fantasy stories or stuff about magic, or even for superheroes all that much. But... but Friendship is Magic was different.
Back when I first saw the show, something happened. Something inside of me stirred. Parts that had long been dormant. The show spoke to pieces of myself that I had repressed so long as to be almost in denial that they were ever who I was. It reached deep inside my black, cynical heart, and pulled the old me out. There's a reason I identify with Sunset Shimmer, because these magical ponies turned me around just like her. It pulled out the goofy, fun, wacky jokester I once was.
It pulled out the child in me, cliché as it is, and it felt so good. Liberating. It reintegrated those parts I'd thrown away, and it felt awesome.
My brother always resented me, and I didn't watch kid shows when I was young because he would shame me as a baby for it. But now I'm an adult, and that means it's my turn to define what being an adult is. It means I can watch whatever the hell I want. It means I can turn on a colorful cartoon about talking ponies, and nobody can tell me not to. So I did, and I loved it. I accepted those parts back into myself, and for the first time I can recall, I liked who I was.
Then I started getting into fanwork and writing fanfiction. I wrote some dark stuff early on, yeah, but what I found I really liked and seemed good at was the cute, fluffy stuff. I was shocked to enjoy it so, but pleased to have found another thing I liked. It let that fun inner me run free and spill out onto the keyboard. I liked writing stuff that was close to the show, because I loved the show.
But over the last two years, something happened. That spark started to die. That feeling I'd recaptured began to fall away, and the darker parts of me came back harder than ever. You should see some of the notes I have for some of the stories I've had in the works, as of late. Twisted stuff, some of it. And with that return, my passion fell as well. It took me a while, but I think I finally found one of the reasons this happened to me. I hate to say it, I really do, but...
It's you.
It's what you do.
It's all the dark and disturbing ways you took this sweet show and twisted it into macabre parody. Took these cute characters and made them murderers, sadists, pedophiles, rapists, discarding everything that made the show what it was and gave it charm. I can never watch Twilight freeze in place in It's About Time without disgusting flashbacks to a fic which I will not name here (but if you've read it, you'll probably know what I'm referring to). I can't watch Party of One without thinking about all the laughably absurd Pinkamena fanon. I'll never look at garden shears the same way again (though that one is partly my fault). My memories are tainted by it all.
But I don't blame you. I can't, even if I wanted to. It would be neither correct to do so, nor right. And be assured that I don't resent anyone who writes dark stuff (I do it, too). Everyone has dark thoughts and ideas, and anybody who hangs around me should know that I firmly believe that dark stories have their place, and that fanwork is great for exploring stuff the source material can't. You guys keep writing those stories. They explore important parts of our world, parts that we'd be fools to ignore. I wear body armor and carry a gun because I know about those darker parts and accept that they're all around me. I'm no fool. Hell, some of my favorite works outside of pony stuff are very dark, gritty, gory, vulgar, etc. I love Hobo with a Shotgun, John Carpenter's The Thing, District 9, Dead Alive (AKA Braindead), The Mist, Watchmen...
I like that stuff, just... not with ponies, at least not but once in a while. I've read some really good ponyfics that were dark, but they've never been my style.
What drew me to the show was the show. It was sweet and beautiful, and contrasted with my normal media diet something fierce. Ponies were like my little vacation, and yes, even an escape from the cruel world we live in. It was fun to indulge in something so saccharine and almost innocent. I loved it for what it was. And then I came here and found myself surrounded by everything I'd been escaping from. It's everywhere. And, as much as I don't want to admit it, it poisoned me.
I let it get to me, over time. I've changed; you can ask the people I've been in frequent contact with. I used to be nuttier, willing to write the most bizarre stuff just because nobody else would, taking on writing challenges, and never letting anything get me down. I was fun.
Now I'm here, blogging about this to an audience I never expected to have. Now I'm a cynical, whiny sad sack who can barely write anymore. Part of that is burnout, part of that is my own normal life... but part of that was the fandom itself. It's my own fault for viewing the stuff and letting it get to me, but that's what happened. I'd like to reiterate that I don't blame anybody who creates or consumes (well done) pony grimdark, and that it's important to have from an art and storytelling perspective. As far as I can tell, though, it really did taint the show for me and strip away a lot of my own passion for working with the show's material, because it was so much the opposite of what I loved about the show, and the fandom is saturated with it.
I dunno why I'm putting this here. I guess I just wanted to share the realization I had. I started watching something recently, it also captured that feeling in me, and I suddenly realized what I'd lost. It's a hardcore first world problem, and my own fault, but it's kinda partly ruined something I loved. Not like I can't just avoid the stuff that does it to me, though... for the most part. I just feel like such an idiot for taking this all so seriously and letting this happen, but I can't help how I feel. It's not "ruined forever", because that's kinda stupid, but it has caused me to enjoy the show less.
As a final note, I'd like to apologize. To whom? To the people I've indirectly implicated in all of this. You know who you are and you know what I'm talking about. I'm sorry for what's basically leveling an accusation at you guys. You guys are great, and I don't regret hanging with you. It's been mostly good times, and some of the ways I've changed have been for the better. This just seems to have been a side effect of that time spent together, as well as other things.
And you know what? Maybe it'll be better this way. Maybe I'll throw off this funk I'm in, laugh off the stuff that poisoned my happy memories, and then I'll be nice and balanced. I like balance. For now, though, it's not great, and I have some issues to work out.
Damn. I think I introduced you to this fic...
Eeyup. Your take on garden shears made me be like, "wait, what?" and it was me who came up with garden shears in the first place...
Yeah, heh. You should have seen me during the first post season when the fandom was still young. To enjoy something so much because of how innocent and totally not like our world which focused on fantasy, real classic myths and legends, yet with a focus on community, togetherness, and of course the magic of friendship.
I found it relaxing. Hell, the VERY FIRST grimdark I read, I couldn't help but feel extreme pity for them. How could someone write that stuff? I ended up writing a 'fix fic' which, gawd, so embarrassed. Just no. Dear god no shoot me now. It was so embarrassing since I did that just after a fresh read too, so you know it's gonna be extra bad!
I used to be super defensive over Rarity and how people called her a horrible pony and stuff. Over time there was more dark stories, one in particular stood out. Fillystata. Whoa, talk about dark done right holy bucking Celestia. I don't know why I kept reading it, wishing for a happy ending for some characters that you knew deep down weren't going to get one. But it was good. It helped me come to terms that this is just something people love doing. The more pure something is the more people want to corrupt it, right?
Eventually you can only really do one thing. Adapt. So I did. I gave stuff I avoided like the plague a try, like ship fics. I used to think those were, by later definitions, clop. So I grew to like those, mostly adorable stories and some sad ones too.
But then, much like you, I started to lose my spark. I just started to grow bored with the fandom and some of the people who were just practically out to make it as shitty for everyone else as they possibly could. Even this place started to go downhill with all the sudden porn fics that made people want to write less and less because their big, well thought out stories would just get overshadowed by some fic that preys on others to drop their pants. And all the 1k word fics that started to bring the place down as even good writers saw that people gave their 1-2k fics far more views then their multichapter stories.
So most of the crap was porn, and even (especially even) fics with the CMC became almost impossible to find that weren't them beating, raping and killing their so-called tormentors and all I see in the comments, hell the story itself was laughable but the comments, those held the reasons why I just grew sick of this fandom and its trash. Why any writers want to condone and spread hate and malice in a community based around such a once innocent show is beyond my comprehension. As a famous black fat lady once said, "Y'all niggas need Jesus!"
We got egocentric idiots ruining a perfectly good site on one side and the cesspool of bigoted and sexist retards in often used to be found in comments, and then it's like you come here and you have people PRAISING and CHEERING the show's most innocent characters doing the most disgusting and disturbing things that you can't help but wonder if these sickos in the comments aren't just one hair-trigger away from pulling some Columbine shit, you know?
But then I had to go and read a silly story in a thing called The Diamond Cutters Anthology. It was probably the first ever fic that had Tiara actually in it that didn't have the Mane 6 or CMC acting in such ungodly out of characterness that included some form of violent retribuition against the pink filly. Hell, most were ONLY just with the pink filly. It brightened up my day somehow, just reading this INNOCENT and FUN stories. They were smart, they had many different takes on the same pony doing so many different things.
It's like the last good traces of what made reading fun was in those short little stories. And it was thanks to being pointed to the group that created those stories that I found fast friends (I never came here looking for any and had zero interests in getting involved with any group) and I just had a blast.
But over the past two years, yeah. Bad shit has been going down. I've been struggling with health and financial stability. Betrayed by people I tried to help and thought were my friends only to be robbed and over time I tried to balance out my emotions. I grew very cynical after being framed for a crime, which thankfully resolved itself since they let the real culprit escape. Though they're still in denial and don't want to admit their wrong doing, picking at everything trying to paint me with something to put on my spotless record. Seeing the world for what it truly is sort of sucks. So yeah, I started to make fun or all the dark and sex stuff. It helps cope with all the crap I've had to put up with, what I still put up with.
Sadly that's led me to share those adaptive dark story concepts with you and others. My growing disgust with the world in general just flat-out showing through all the dark and perverse stories. And yet, despite all those ideas I share, the ones I keep in notes, one or two here, and the ones in gdocs, what do I do?
I don't write dark fics.
I don't write clop.
I write comedy and generally mostly geared toward Everyone.
But why? It's not like I'm adversed to clop stories or grimdarks.
It's because I can't. No, more like won't. I won't drag characters through the mud just because I can. I won't taint the innocence of characters I love and respect. I won't disrespect the integrity of a show that helped remind me how much better a person I used to be before I allowed some loser to take up so much of my life.
So it's not like I can't write clop. Or a Cheerilee's Garden. Anyone can write shit like those. But how many can make a story that can entertain masses with the restrictive level that the show adheres to? Very fucking few.
So yeah, on skype I might talk a bit dark fic or childish levels of uncouth humor. But it'll be a cold day in hell before I click publish on a clop fic or grimdark. I ain't adding to that pool. I just can't bring myself to do that to those characters. It's not a challenge that interests me. Hell, Ian's last story he never published. It doesn't even have clop but it has Diamond and Silver making love. You never see the sex. Most of the fic was literally just them discussing life and one chapter we got a nice flash back to happier times. Probably one of his most touching stories. I wish you could read it. It's genuinely entertaining.
You gotta kill the characters you love.
You have to make your favorites suffer.
All good tips for writers. But I just choose to do those with an E or mild-Teen rating. I'll leave the darks and clops to the pros and attention seekers, thanks.
Apology for contributing towards your unenjoyment of the show. I know all too well how that feels and feel bad for doing it to others, however much that may be. But just find what you love most about something like the show and just lock it away deep down and hold yourself to that. Right only what you earnestly believe in. Every story you put out there will be seen by someone. Those stories can have potentially lasting effects on how they'll see fanfiction and the characters within your story. Make each one count towards what you want more of from this fandom by being the one to set the example.
A fandom is only as good as you make it. And I'm thankful for having met each and every one of you. Hang in there man, keep it real.
I try to keep the ponies as in-character as possible in my stories, so I'm still uncertain if I'm one of those people you were referring to. Anyway, I'm sorry you feel the way you do. I browse this site with the mature filter on, since I don't really like extreme gore or overly sexual stories. I haven't been feeling all that motivated to watch the show since season 5 started, but that's partly due to the show not being as good as it used to be. Or maybe I'm subconsciously blaming the fandom, too.
Just do whatever makes you happy, my man.
This is quite a mature way to look at your dissolution. Congratulations.
This disillusioning is quite a situation. I've come to a point where I take fan stuffs and draw a very clear line to distinguish it from the cutesy, happy, awesome show we're all here to love. When I watch the show, I take all the other crap (no matter how great some of it may be) and pretend it was a bad dream I had the night before. ...but I let myself get fully immersed in the show and take things as they are.
Grimdark stories occasionally appeal to me, but they're so far out of line with the canon characters and situations I have a hard time truly conflating them, though I suppose the downside to a well-written story is its ability to sink in effortlessly into the show and muck it up. I've seen videos that would later chill me when I'm reminded of them while I'm watching the show (i.e., when I'm not in the mood for the grotesque) and it's disconcerting at best.
3423729
I don't think you did introduce me to it. I believe it was during the initial talks of the maggot project that someone said I should attempt to rival the author of the fic in question, and so I went off to see what sort of stuff they wrote. I kinda wish I hadn't. It's also the total opposite of what I strive to write.
Oh, and if you ever wondered, I'm quite thrilled to have inspired the darker Sleepless series from something much lighter, because that series explored characters and situations. It told stories and plots. It wasn't just dark stuff for no reason. It was well done pony grimdark.
3423912
Pretty sure you didn't contribute to my downfall, which has many factors at play. And I try to do what makes me happy. But when the thing that makes me happy feels corrupted... well, perhaps I should find something else.
3425692
A kindred spirit, I have found. I agree on all points, there. Yeah, just gotta work to keep the stuff separate in my mind.
3425945
No need to apologize for things you like (unless they actually hurt people, which I'm pretty sure the large majority of such stuff does not). And writing stuff with meaning is where it's at, yo. Dark stories that actually say something and explore themes and characters are great. What makes me shake my head is the senseless stuff, where it's just "Applejack kidnaps foals and drowns them in oatmeal for no discernible reason." It's just dark for dark's sake, and I've never seen much value in that. Also throws a huge wrench in canon, and most such fics never address all the continuity issues such events create and just keep going like normal. Makes no sense.
Yet... if we have Rule of Cool, Rule of Drama, Rule of Funny... maybe we just have an unspoken Rule of Dark, where if it's dark done well enough, we should just let it go, even if it makes no sense. I dunno.
And yeah, part of why I can't blame anyone is because humans love doing that. We've always loved corrupting and destroying things. We see this bright, colorful world, and some part of us wants to reject it because it looks too nice to be real. So we repaint it in our own image, pouring on our own twisted and violent history to make it more like the world we know. It bugs me when a fic makes Equestria look much more like Earth than the Equestria we know. Doesn't feel like the same universe anymore. I love the show for what it is. It's lovely, and it has enough dark and dangerous stuff of its own that I don't feel much need to add more.
3423737
I was wondering if anybody had a similar experience to mine. I know almost exactly what you mean, though I previously just thought that shipping was dumb rather than all clop.
The first ponyfic I ever read (and first fanfic I actually wanted to read) was a darker one, but it was very tasteful and downplayed. It was beautiful. It was darker themes (child abuse) done well. And yeah, over time, I've tried new things and reading new genres. If I were utterly afraid to try new stuff, well, I wouldn't be here right now.
I never understood it. Someone will recommend a fic where, like, Lyra cuts off Bon Bon's hooves, makes them into glue, glues Bon Bon's mouth shut, and then staples her to a dress form and dances with her to polka music before disemboweling Bon Bon and herself. Someone will recommend something like that, and I'm just like, "Uh, why the hell would I want to read about that?" And, frankly, I do sometimes worry for the sanity of some people I see. Nobody I know and talk with, for the record, but some I've seen. Pretty sure we have some straight-up insane people here.
Oh yes. You actions have spoken in the past, as well. What you've written was a far cry from some of the stuff we've discussed.
I have indeed ended up putting my favorite characters through some ordeals (Sunset has the worst luck in my work). I just love to see them grow. They struggle so they can come out the other side stronger and triumphant.
And no need to apologize. We all have reasons for what we do, and dark is a natural part of humanity. Honestly, this was probably just bound to happen, no matter what crowd I hung around. And good did come of it all. Chatting, along with my work with clop, has allowed me to deal more openly with sexuality, which was something I always had trouble dealing with.
And yeah, that's always what I've tried to do. I see a tasteless fic where AJ gets raped, and I start writing about her having a nice day. I've always worked to inject some nice stuff among the dark, even if it's just a story about nothing. I can't and shouldn't try to change the work of others, I can only add my own to the mix and hope people enjoy it. I'm still hanging in there, I just need to work through some stuff, like this. Just gotta keep on keepin' on and don't let it get me down.