Critique Review: The Secret Life of Rarity (With Guest Reviewer Brony Fife) · 3:20pm Aug 5th, 2015
Critique: One thing to note about this story before we begin is that the story has to warn us that the author doesn’t condone the actions and that if any author has murderous impulses to seek help.
Fife: Gotta be a responsible author, I guess. “In this story, Fluttershy explodes twice. I do not condone exploding. If you feel like you’re going to explode, it sucks to be you.”
Um… Is this a parody? I mean, was it really necessary for the story to tell us that killing people violently is bad and that you shouldn’t do it? Story, if we don’t already think that killing people in real life is bad, I don’t think that your little message is going to change our minds! And that would be because we’re a psycho and not going to change!
But at least, this author decided to tell those of us who know murder is bad… Murder is bad…
This is our first clue that this story is going to treat us like we’re children. When one writes a dark story, they must realize the primary readers they’re aiming for are going to be people mature enough to handle the adult themes. In that respect, one must write in a way that doesn’t talk down to their audience.
Yeah, that’s about the gist of it.
Also, I’d like to put this little tidbit in the description in the side pile for later.
*Note* This is not Cupcakes with Rarity. I don't have her just slicing and dicing ponies every chapter for the sake of it. This story is more of a character analysis.
That’s a rather specific act of denial, isn’t it?
Yeah… we’re getting back to that one.
Our story opens with…
Today was the day.
Today is the day?! Oh, boy! It’s Big MacIntosh’s Birthday, the day where he will find a magic hammer that will transform him into thunder god and join up with other heroes in a decent, but entertaining super hero…
Sorry. Was trying to think of something more engaging…
Yes, today is the day. Today is the day the teddy bears have their picnic.
It turns out that our story starts years before Friendship is Magic and little Rarity wakes up to greet her parents.
Her father lifted his daughter into the air with his magic, and wrapped her up in a crushing hug. “Hey there, champ. You sleep well?”
Um… champ? How many parents call their daughters, champs? Granted, I’m sure they’re out there, but is that really that common? I mean, okay, why should it matter what you call your kids (inappropriate names notwithstanding), but I’ve never heard a little girl called champ before? Is this because boy shows and girl shows are blurring the line?
“I WANTED A SON, OK?! This is how I deal with disappointment!”
“B-But, Daddy, I thought you loved me...”
“FIVE ACROSS THE ASS!”
It turns out today is Rarity’s first day of school and she is extremely excited for it. Tell me about it, I’ve got a niece that won’t stop talking about it.
And speaking of little girls, see if this sounds like a little girl to you…
Rarity nodded and leaped onto her father's back. "Yes, dad! I'm as ready as a butterfly that just came out of her cocoon!"
“I’m as ready as a clumsy metaphor!” God, it sounds like Rarity is suddenly channeling Homsar.
Okay… Story… If you’re going to write children characters, try actually writing children characters!
No child talks like this. In the story, Rarity is starting her first day of school, which could make her younger than Applebloom. In a story, a child character needs to talk like a child character! Maybe… maybe if this was Twilight, I might have given it a pass, but no! It’s Rarity! It’s fucking Rarity!
Why the hell would she talk like this if she is six fucking years old?!
I don’t know about you, but I don’t know many six year olds who talk like this!
Evidently, you’ve never watched The Omen.
Can’t say I have...
So, Rarity is off to school and meets with everypony’s favorite school teacher, Cheerilee. Filly form of course. Oh, and just to show that the story doesn’t know how to write children characters unless they’re adults, here’s some more examples of that in Rarity’s and Cheerilee’s dialogue.
Rarity turned around and saw a happy looking purplish earth pony filly smiling warmly at her. "Hi there, you must be the new student in our class."
"Why yes, my name is Rarity. What's yours?" she asked, doing her best to control her excitement. She was making a friend, on her very first day!
"I'm Cheerilee, it's nice to meet you." The filly extended a hoof and Rarity shook it. "So, you're the pony who lives on the outskirts right? Yours is the house beyond the edge of Town Hall?"
Rarity nodded proudly. "Yep, that's my house alright. I know it isn't the best, but it's home," she said, echoing a statement her parents had made many times.
Seriously, I think Mykan can write a better child character than you. And he just copies cliches of child characters!
Well, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery...
So, in classic cliche storytelling 101, when Rarity gets to school she’s immediately assaulted by the first bully with no redeemable qualities whatsoever who happened to be in the area. Is this some kind of sick initiation thing?
Teacher: Now, mother and father, I want you to understand that when your child is placed into a new learning facility, he or she will be set upon by the biggest douchebag at the school.
Father: Really?
Teacher: Oh, yes. It’s quite common. Tradition, in fact. I’m sure your wife went through something similar, yes?
Mother: Oh, yes. I used to move around a lot, so I got to meet a lot of bullies. Most of them with no souls and often burned down orphanages as their extracurricular activities.
Teacher: Indeed, we still have those. In fact, I’m the head coach for the ‘Kicking Ponies While They’re Down’ club. We’re kind of dicks that way.
Well to their credit, at least they don’t recommend putting your kids on Ritalin.
Touche.
So… I guess, the bullies make fun of her, but honestly, I still can’t see these kids being actually kids. In honesty, the bullies are the closest to actually being kids and even they make no sense with the way they talk!
"Lighten up Cheerilee, we're just having fun with the poor filly. I mean, we're not the first to remind her of her sad situation, right?" snarked Dug.
"I mean, look at her hair! It's so tacky," the unicorn filly cackled.
Seriously, this first chapter is really hard to take seriously when all I can think of is ‘Flutter’s Mom is Always Calm.’ A fic that, may I remind you, was fucking stupid!
So, Rarity gets upset and runs into the teacher, who tells her that she can calm herself down by head off to the creek behind the school. Oh, good, leave a child alone, by herself, with no one around, upset, and literally needed a shoulder to cry on.
Teacher: Meh, I’m sure it will work itself out. Just go cry in the corner, you little bitch.
“But it’s a circular room!”
“TEN ACROSS THE ASS!”
God, the teachers in this story are as fucking useless as they were in Flutterhulk.
“Of course.” The mare patted Rarity on the head. “You just go on and calm down for as long as you need, Rarity. I’ll see you later.”
Look at this, she doesn’t even offer to check on the kid or calling the kid’s parents. Granted, a phone probably doesn’t exist by this point, but still talking to the parents about her problems I think is part of teacher’s job description. But what the fuck do I know, I only lived with a teacher for the first 20 fucking years of my life.
Rarity slowed her crying, and looked up at her teacher with hopeful eyes. She nodded and helped me to my hooves.
… Wait… is this story in first person or third? Oh, great. Typos. And this story is revered like some deity? Jesus, people will buy anything these days!
[looks aside at a stack of copies of Fifty Shades of Grey]
Tell me about it. My girlfriend won’t shut up about those shitty books.
In fact, there are quite a few typos in this story.
Cheerilee slid her pencil in one of the pockets before turning to Rarity. "I always though that pegasus history was cool, but I like to learn about Ponyville a lot more!"
She was really looking forwards to the end of the year project where she got to make whatever kind of clothing she wanted.
I think that was supposed to be ‘thought’, but… let’s face it, it pretty much matches how the author approached this story.
So, after classes, Rarity and Cheerilee discuss what kind of games they want to play, do they want to hang out, what they had for lunch. Nah, I’m kidding, they talk about the wonders of learning.
You know, like real kids do!
The real kids who do that get beat up a lot. Wonder why.
And so the week continues on with Rarity in this picture perfect world that even Friendship is Magic would be saying “Jesus, have some fucking conflict.” Oh and wouldn’t you know it, the school even has a sewing class for her!
… What? Your elementary school didn’t have a sewing class that teaches you how to operate a sewing machine when you were fucking seven years old?! Pfft, what kind of backwards school did you go to?! Next, you’ll be telling me that they actually had recess at your school!
My school had a potty-training class. It WAS the Texas public school system, after all.
So, at the end of the week, Rarity and her mother approach the school grounds to see the bullies have returned, having been suspended for a week after bullying Rarity. Rarity explains her hesitation to going to school and the world’s greatest mom gives her two cents.
"Rarity, just because those foals are there doesn't mean you can't have a good time at school. The best thing is to ignore them. They'll get bored and leave you alone."
Um… no! Wrong! Try again!
That’s the best advice you’ve got, mom?! Seriously, your daughter tells you that she’s being bullied and you just tell her to ignore it! What kind of mom does that?! Any other mom would be tearing down doors demanding why her daughter was being bullied and why the school would allow that kind of behavior!
Between the children characters not acting like children, the teacher being ineffective, and the mom just not giving a shit, not a single character acts like an actual character!
You would never get away with this in any other story, so why the hell does this story get a free pass like this?!
Because people like the concept. That's the only reason these shitty stories always sell the best. Execution doesn't matter to most people, because most people are not artists and don't care about how anything is done. Just look at the mess that is the Call of Duty series.
Ugh… Anyway, since the bullies in this story clearly are unredeemable, they decide to … what else? … Pick on Rarity again. They kind of have no souls that way.
It’s a thug thing! You wouldn’t understand!
She flinched as a hoof came down right next to her ear. Kicker was standing directly above her, glaring downward. "I wouldn't keep telling Teacher about us," he growled.
Wait, so is the teacher in this story actually named Teacher? Well, it wouldn’t surprise me how cliche everything is. Next you’ll be telling me Rarity’s parents are actually named ‘Mom’ and ‘Dad’.
Fuck, I’m surprised Sweetie Belle isn’t just called ‘Sister’ at this point.
This is coming from a critic named Critique. Gotta love the taste of irony.
Shut up!
And so this kind of behavior continues on for WEEKS!
As wonderful as the first week had been for Rarity; Dug, Annie, and Kicker made sure that the following weeks were quite the opposite.
I hate everything about this sentence. That semicolon. THAT SEMICOLON, THOUGH.
Story, come the fuck on! This kind of bullying has been going on for weeks and nothing has been done about it!
Fuck, Rarity even tells the teacher several times about their behavior! I’m not kidding! Look! Look!
Unfortunately for Rarity, neither the notes nor the whispers of ‘rat’ could be punished, let alone traced back to the trio. They continued on with no regrets or remorse, shrugging off the teacher’s constant lectures on behavior.
What are you talking about? What do you mean ‘couldn’t be traced back to the trio’?! The teacher knows about their behavior! Rarity’s mother knows about them picking on Rarity! The bullies have been in the spotlight and they’ve been confronted by Teacher before! So, why the hell would Teacher ignore Rarity’s plights after she just helped her through it?!
Jesus, Teacher really is fucking ineffective!
And this is supposed to be taken seriously?! Seriously enough that the story has to claim that it’s a character study?!
I’m sorry, I don’t buy it! This is like something South Park would parody! Where the adults are extremely idiotic and the kids have to solve their problems themselves! Except, the story forgot that South Park is actually clever and humorous and sucked all of that out! Now, we’re left with something that acts like that, but tries to be ‘dark’ and ‘serious’ and ‘deep’ and ‘poetic’ and it’s nothing like that because the characters aren’t acting realistically!
Nothing feels real in this story! Not the characters, not the plot, not the actions of the characters, nothing feels real! And that is a huge sin for a story to make! And we’re still on the first fucking chapter! The first fucking chapter!
Oh, and take a look at this bullshit! Rarity goes to Teacher to try to get them to stop, but what happens?!
She did occasionally try to stop it, but wasn't in a position of power to do more than lecture them.
Are there no fucking principals in this fucking world?!
Why is it a common trope in stories involving schools there is no fucking principals in the schools?! Did the principal kill your parents?! Or was it because you got sent to the principal’s office one time and this is your only chance for revenge, by cutting them from the story?!
And if there is a principal, why doesn’t she fucking go to him?! A principal’s job is to help deal with these kinds of problems! We also have assistant principals and other administrators to assist students in dealing with these problems! Why the fuck can’t she go talk to them?!
And what is this ‘position of power’ bullshit that she can’t do anything more than lecture them?!
I seem to remember her being able to SUSPEND THEM FOR A WEEK! Where the fuck did that kind of power go?! If she lost that power, clearly she has to have some kind of superior that could take that away! Why can’t she go to said superior about this problem and get permission to use that power again?!
This story lacks basic consistency! This honestly should have been over in a millisecond! Just expel the little bastards and be done with it! Too extreme, you say? It would make about as much sense as anything else in this fucking piece of shit!
And believe it or not, it only gets stupider and stupider with every passing sentence to the point where I could literally comment on every single one, but we’ve not even passed the first chapter yet, so let’s move on.
Eventually, the bullying gets so bad that Rarity decides to not tell her parents, or Teacher anymore.
I don’t blame her. These ponies have been ineffective dealing with six year olds!
"Why doesn't Teacher do anything?" she whimpered. "She suspended them the first day, why doesn't she just kick them out of school for good to make them leave me alone?"
Oh… well, okay then. Story, now is your chance. Tell me the reason why Teacher couldn’t do anything.
So, go ahead. I’m all ears.
Rarity sat on her haunches and closed her eyes, but the second she did the image of the three of them laughing at her flashed into her vision.
Story… Story, I’m ready. Let’s hear it… Why doesn’t Teacher just kick them out of school?
Her body was instantly consumed with rage, and she slammed her hoof down in the creek, splashing both herself and the surrounding area with water.
Story, I’m right here! Just tell me!
"I HATE THEM!" she screamed. "I WISH THEY WERE DEAD!"
You know what, just fuck it.
So, as you can probably guess, Rarity is possessed by anger and wants to see her bullies dead. You know, I think I’m supposed to feel bad for Rarity as this point… And I do… but not for the reason the story wants me to.
I feel bad that Rarity was put in this backward world in the first place.
But, since bullying apparently is a non-issue in this world, murder will probably be met with a slap on the hoof!
Her teacher had suspended the three of them on more than one occasion, but the last suspension was a month ago as Rarity had stopped telling her about it.
Does… Does the story not know what consistency is? So, she does have the power to suspend them? But she doesn’t have the power to expel them for the safety of the other students?! WHY?!
And for that matter, why doesn’t the teacher get the hint?! If the kids continue to bully another kid, even after suspension, the punishments should get more severe! Because obviously they're not learning that bad things are not good things to be doing!
And that if you do bad things, you will get punished for it! It has become clear to me that Teacher is obviously a bully herself! That is the only way I can see this even working! Teacher clearly wants to see Rarity suffer, and so do her parents, since Rarity mentions telling them as well. Yet, the father, who seemed to love Rarity with all his heart, has done nothing!
“B-But Daddy, they’re bullying me!”
“TEN ACROSS THE ASS!”
Fuck, why can’t they transfer her to another school?! If she is being victimized, the district of the school can give the student a chance to transfer to another school without being penalized!
Oh, who the fuck am I kidding?! In this story, transferring to another school wouldn’t change shit! We have to force Rarity’s transformation somehow!
Rarity goes to her special spot, but her bullies find her.
Rarity whimpered and took a small step backwards. No, they can't be here! I'm safe here! They couldn't be here!
Oh, no! They couldn’t be in the place that’s literally 40 yards from the place where I keep getting tormented by them! How did they find it so quickly?!
I’m surprised they didn’t find it earlier! But like every other character in this story, they’re not very smart!
And then Rarity goes bat-shit crazy and kills all three of them… Yep… Just kills them… And you want to know what her reaction is to committing murder?
That’s right! It’s another fucking day in the park for her!
Now, admittedly she does say that she’s afraid of going to jail, but after she kills one of them. Clearly dead, by the way. He’s bleeding. He’s dead. He’s not getting back up… She violently attacks and brutally murders the other two!
…
Holy shit, where the fuck did this come from?! She starts talking to herself and starts thinking like the fucking Joker! About how much fun it is killing people, about how no one is going to find out… Fuck, she manages to drag three… THREE other kids into the Everfree Forest to bury them!
So, not only was she strong enough to lift and drag three kids to the Everfree Forest, however long the distance was, and dig a hole big enough to bury them in and drop them into the pit, and nopony… FUCKING NOPONY spotted them!
Not even her fucking parents, who are probably worried about her after she spent all her day being bullied! Oh, who the fuck am I kidding, the parents don’t give a shit! Rarity doesn’t give a shit, Teacher doesn’t give a shit! Why the hell should I give a shit?!
I know this is supposed to be a really tragic moment, but this scene is not justified! Nothing about this scene is earned! It’s just one forced, contrived moment after another, leading up to this completely forced and contrived moment! And I promise you, it doesn’t get any better!
Rarity goes home, cleans herself up. Again, to remind you, six year old here, and acts like nothing happened. My seven year old niece can’t even steal a cookie from a cookie jar without making it really obvious she’s lying! I don’t think that a six year old who committed murder is going to lie like a fucking mastermind!
We then cut to FIVE YEARS LATER!
Hey, nice beard ya got there, Critique.
Oh, my god! It really has been five years!
After Rarity just murdered three children, CHILDREN! FUCKING CHILDREN, GUY! Three children disappear and nobody asks any kind of questions. Not Teacher, not Cheerilee, not even the kid’s parents!
This is clearly the idea of someone who lived in a box for most of their life with nothing to entertain themselves, but the worst self-inserts of all time.
This might be a shock to you, story, and I know this is going to be hard to believe so I’m going to make this as clear as possible. Bullies have families! Bullies usually have someone who they live with! Especially that young an age. Are you telling me that none of them… NONE of them care that their children are missing?
We should be exploring the investigation and Rarity’s reaction to this. For this so called ‘character study’, we don’t seem to be exploring any kind of reaction Rarity has to the consequences of her actions. All we know is that she enjoys killing. Well, what happens when she meets the victim's family? What happens then? What happens when she learns how much pain she has caused them?
And you know what? This character study should be over! We know why Rarity kills! We saw that! We saw every step that happened in order to turn her into a cold-blooded killer! So the story is over, save for 150000 words of torment! There is literally no reason why this story continues after the first chapter! No reason, whatsoever!
But it does.
...Yes, yes. I know…. grumble, grumble….
So, it goes through how Rarity has gotten better at killing ponies and how skilled she is and how brilliant her mind is and how much better she is than you glorifying her to the point where all you want to do is take her favorite pet rock and turn her into an earth pony.
So, finally, we get a flashback to the funeral, I don’t know why we couldn’t start with that, but whatever, we’ll roll with it, as the story explains how the investigation went. And here’s some bullshit for you.
The funeral was held today for the three unfortunate foals found dead in the Everfree Forest last week. Investigators believe that they were playing there and were attacked by timberwolves. Authorities urge the residents of Ponyville to stay away from the forest so that we may avoid such tragedies in the future.
Wait… so, the authorities think that the Timberwolves smashed their heads in with a blunt object, and then buried one of them alive? What kind of investigators are these?! Did they just not bother to do their jobs?! Or is the South Park parody again?! I’m sorry, I know I’m supposed to take this ‘dark character study’ seriously, but everyone in this story is just so fucking stupid!
Really?! The authorities in this story believed that the three kids were killed by Timberwolves?! Are you fucking kidding me?! Are these ‘authorities’ the same ‘authorities’ that didn’t want to help Rarity when she was being bullied by the kids in the first place?! Because that would explain a fucking lot! No wonder Rarity turned into a mass murderer! I would too if I had to live in this bullshit of a world!
Oh, and we look into another serial killer while we’re at it. I guess, the story realized that Rarity wasn’t getting us anywhere so we needed another serial killer in the mix.
Rarity clicked her tongue and turned the page. There was no need to have a traceable M.O. The only thing that should matter to a good serial killer was body count.
Except most serial killers have a specific reason why they do it. Not just because they want to kill. They kill because it gives them something. Usually a sexual release. A surrogate for their anger or even the target of their anger. So, the only thing that matters to a serial killer is not how many bodies they accumulate! Serial killers aren’t thinking “Gee, how many bodies can I get today?!” It’s usually something a little deeper. Like “How can I kill my wife?” “How can I get some sleep?” “How can I feel better about myself?”
For this ‘character study’ to work, she needs to have a motivation beyond “Let’s kill people!”
So, Rarity goes downstairs to find out that she has a new sister on the way. Oh good, a new victim to add to the pile.
So, time passes and Rarity finds herself in the hospital waiting room when someone comes along to talk to her.
However, before she could engross herself in the magazine entirely, she heard the most unbecoming voice behind her. "Well howdy do there, miss. You here waitin' on someone?"
Oh, thank god! I needed some kind of character that was actually intelligent in this story! Please tell me, you’re from the future here to arrest Rarity for her crimes! Do it before the rest of the story is written!
And Rarity responds with…
Rarity decided to ignore that for now and she cleared her throat. "Well, considering I am in a hospital waiting room, I think one can reasonably think the answer is yes," she said a little more coldly than she intended, but the other pony didn't seem to notice.
… Well, up yours, bitch!
And, Applejack didn’t notice? Well, there goes my only hope for an intelligent character in this story! Fuck it, I’m making up names for these characters, because clearly these characters are so far gone, that that’s the only way I can take this more seriously!
Rarity - Murder Moxie
Applejack - Naive Nelly.
More to come as the story progresses.
So, Moxie tells Nelly that her mother will be delivering a new baby foal soon and when Moxie asks Nelly why she is at the hospital, Nelly explains… Oh, yeah, this should be good…
Immediately, all of the happiness and vigor left Applejack's face as her forced smile fell. "Well, mah Ma and Pa were just in a carriage accident. They were crossin' the street and somepony didn't secure their carriage right. It rolled down the hill where it was positioned and..." Applejack's lower jaw wobbled and a pair of tears streaked down her face. "It hit 'em both. It was about ta hit me, but mah pa pushed me outta the way before it did. It hit him, and Ma couldn't get outta the way fast enough either. The docs 'round here are doin' their best to patch 'em up."
You want to know why I showed you Moxie meeting Nelly? Hmm? Do you? Because look at this! Her parents were just hit by a carriage and are in critical condition and…
What does the story have Nelly acting like?
However, before she could engross herself in the magazine entirely, she heard the most unbecoming voice behind her. "Well howdy do there, miss. You here waitin' on someone?"
Let me rephrase that … Her parents… her family… her mother and father who love her very dearly and whom she loves back…. were just hit… attacked… assaulted… damaged… hurt… by a carriage and are in critical condition… meaning they might very well die… not make it… go before their time… sleep with the fishes… and…. WHAT DOES THE STORY HAVE NELLY ACT LIKE?!
Um… story… do you not know how people act? Have you never stepped foot outside your house? Have you never talked to another human being before? Because this clearly shows you haven’t! Why would Nelly be so composed about her parents being in the hospital that she would go and try to make a new friend instead of panicking, crying or being completely closed off?!
I know ‘Friendship is Magic’ and all that bullshit, but I think that Celestia will forgive you not making friends ONE DAY to mourn the loss of your parents! Oh, yeah, if you’re familiar with Nelly’s headcanon, you know her parents die. And … what is Moxie’s reaction to all this?
Before Applejack could respond, a doctor came through the door to the waiting room. "Which one of you is Rarity?" he asked, surveying the two ponies.
Rarity bolted up, eager to be away from this sad mess of a pony. "I am, sir!" She had said that perhaps a little too fast, but Applejack didn't notice.
Of fucking course it is!
Why the fuck would we want our character to be sympathetic to a character who’s never done anything to her?! Never will do anything to her?! Pours her soul into her grieving words?! And attempts to comfort herself by asking for help?!
...Wait, where are Big Macintosh and Granny Smith in all this? They’re his parents too, and at least one of them is Granny’s own child. You telling me they’re dying and she’s the only one who showed up?!
Doesn't matter anyway... The story doesn’t care where they are, why should we? Either way, this would be a fine moment in which it would give Rarity no redeemable qualities whatsoever. But… that’s not what fucking happens!
So, Moxie goes to see her new baby sister and wouldn’t you know it, the brain dead parents haven’t thought of a name for her and need Moxie to come up with one. Doh, will those parent’s ever do anything right? It’s like the author has something against them or something!
So, Sweetie Belle gets a name, which is more than most of the characters in this story, and Rarity decides to go out for a stroll. At night. By herself. Without her father. Or anypony. And the parents are okay with this… For a 12 year old… You know these really are the worst parents in history!
If I was Moxie, I’d file to be an orphan! I’d much rather have no parents at all than these waste of spaces! They act nothing like the loving, caring parents we saw in the first chapter! Nothing at all like them!
They only care for Moxie when the plot tells them to!
“Well, it’s six o’clock. Time to care. Maybe tomorrow at eight-thirty, we can remember what her name is.”
Official Headcanon accepted.
So, Moxie starts to think about killing Nelly because… she really doesn’t have any reason to do anything else… when Nelly tells Moxie about her little sister, Applebloom. And apparently this is reason enough for Moxie to not kill her… I’m not even kidding… Look at this…
Rarity let out a tiny gasp. You have to call this off, Rarity. Think of how Sweetie Belle would react to finding out she had a big sister who died before she was born! Apple Bloom deserves a sister if she can't have parents.
Yeah… because… that kind of logic stopped you from killing those kids… Those other kids that she’s apparently murdered… I’m sure those kids didn’t have families that you’ve hurt… You’ve only known Sweetie Belle for what… 12 seconds… so, obviously… that would compel you not to murder anyone else… the whole motive for this character is bullshit!
So, after not killing Nelly… which makes less sense the more I think about it… We cut to a few months later where everything is so cartoonishly perfect for Moxie, until someone from a representative from the Fillydelphia Valley Corporation to take a survey. Yeah… he’s asking the 12 year old girl to take a survey about customer service. … Um… you do know that a filly and a full-grown mare look very different right?
Whoa. One of them is kinda hot, in a “finally legal” way.
I know… shocking isn’t it?
So, Moxie decides that ‘Hey, I haven’t had any pointless killing in a while. Why don’t I start with this adult who probably has co-workers who would look for him, who is too heavy for me to carry to the Everfree Forest, and would cause authorities to go door to door, following the route he had and asking everyone if they had seen him?’
"Oh, Annie." Rarity inclined her head and bent one knee in a small curtsy. "My name is Annie."
Annie, are you okay? Are you okay? Are you okay, Annie?
She’s been hit by… she’s been struck by… a smooth criminal.
Huff… really? Annie? Fucking Annie?! That should have screamed “I have no idea what pony names are?!” to the audience of this story!
Also, why would Moxie lie about her name? She ends up killing the dude, so telling a lie about her name is kind of pointless. There is no reason for her to lie to someone she is going to kill.
So, after stabbing … the salespony in a violent rage, she cleans it all up and nopony asks any questions. Fuck it, I don’t care. Let’s just move on…
So, three years pass and Moxie finally pays off the Carousel Boutique, at the age of fucking 15. Does time and space mean nothing to this fic? Who am I kidding? Just add to the list of things this fic doesn’t give a shit about!
And Moxie starts throwing a fit with … guess what.. curtains…
She saw that they were a garish mustard yellow color and shrank back with a tiny squeak. "I should kill whoever put these curtains up," she grumbled.
Ugh… You know… Serial killers usually have a reason for killing. It’s not about body count to them. They usually have a motive for killing people. The bullying thing… That was stupid and pretty damn cliche, but at least it was a reason. She killed them because they were belittling her and abusing power.
Okay, a clear solid motive. But what about the salespony? There was no reason for her to die. Moxie had literally no motive to kill her. And it certainly wasn’t consistent with what we saw in the past when she decided to murder the bullies. Nelly was not the consistency we’ve seen. Yes, Moxie didn’t kill her, but the thoughts were still there and still strong. The only reason she didn’t was because of Applebloom. Which again, makes no sense.
The motive of Moxie is all over the place. Being from saving Nelly from pain, to pleasure, to randomness, to payback.
Serial killers do not just randomly change their motives. Usually they have a good reason to if their motives change at all!
So, again the 15 year old Moxie moves into her new home. When the movers decide that they want a little extra money for a little extra work they did, Moxie says it's unfair, but the movers are insistent and say that they’ll sue her if she doesn’t pay.
I’m pretty sure she could just get a lawyer. If a merchant does services the customer did not ask for, just to make the bill bigger, that’s much more punishable by law than somepony not paying for something they didn’t want.
...not to mention, threatening a customer with a lawsuit? Really?
But of course, it makes much more sense to murder them in their sleep leaving a trail of bodies that will eventually lead to your capture and judgement! Tell me you wouldn’t do the same?
And so Moxie goes on her killing spree and goes off to behead the workers.
Honestly, it’s the same as the last two chapters. Somepony pisses off Moxie and Moxie goes to kill them. That’s it. It’s the exact same thing we’ve seen for the last two chapters! For this ‘character study’ that’s ‘Not Cupcakes’ we seem to be making a lot less character and a lot more cupcakes!
So, she murders the foreman and his wife and finds an infant Scootaloo. Moxie reacts to this with a …
I’ll put the girl in a orphanage where Fluttershy will be the mother and she’ll be kidnapped by her father in a Fan Fic that will hopefully never be finished!
Our next chapter begins with the Mayor asking Moxie to be the one to set up the Summer Sun Celebration decorations. To which Moxie is overjoyed. The Mayor even gives her a fucking blank check for anything she needs. Fucking sign me up for that shit!
Abuse of Ponyville finances here I come!
I dunno about you, Critique, but I’m gonna go buy a new house for my house.
Oh, the weapons of mass destructions I would buy. And the slaves. Can’t forget about the slaves.
And, as most of you can probably guess by now, the story finally moves to the first episode with Moxie meeting Twilight Sparkle for the first time. However, one thing I would like to point out is that MOXIE’S A FUCKING MURDERER! And she starts having murderous thoughts as Twilight interrupts her! Would you seriously see that in the show?! Or is Moxie just ‘so good’ that she can hide it extremely well?!
Yeah, she’s a bipolar as they come! Fine one minute! Jason Voorhees the next!
shu-shu-shu, hah-hah-hah…
Oh, and you really thought that Moxie was fucking petty when she murdered the salespony, take a look at this.
"Out of my hair? What about your hair?" said Rarity. This had to be fixed. If this pony wasn't open to Rarity's generous help, then Rarity supposed she had enough time to kill her and get rid of the body.
What the flying dutchman of a fuck is this?! Moxie is one step away from being a spree killer who goes out and just kills random people on the street! Twilight has to die because she didn’t want to inconvenience you! Why the fuck would Moxie kill her?! She literally has no motivation! In fact, that’s a lot of this story! It tries to give a character study, but won’t give the killer any motive for killing other ponies! And that’s the single most important fucking thing to any serial killer!
The story pretty much continues parallel to the episode with a CUPCAKE LIKE DUNGEON WITH A FUCK TON OF KNIVES! But just so we’re all clear, this isn’t Cupcakes.
Of course not. Cupcakes are delicious. This story makes me wanna puke.
The story doesn’t get much better when Nightmare Moon finally shows up and Moxie thinks she can take her. The only thing that would have made this fic good was if Moxie was thrown into the sun and replaced with an actual Rarity. You know, that character I love that the story forgot about.
And you can pretty much forget about the originality of this story because it’s basically just season 1 of the show, only Moxie is a murderer instead of an actual character with feelings and emotions other than ‘Kill all the poines’.
Maybe if Moxie had something that made her the least bit relatable, this ‘character study’ would have been more disturbed, but she’s certainly hard to take seriously when the story tries really, really hard to tell you she is disturbing rather than letting the character have a motive and lost sanity enough to actually show it.
Oh, yes there are added scenes, but they mostly consist of Moxie thinking about killing people, wanting to kill people, finding new ways to kill people, and wanting to find new people to be killed. It’s all her character has and I guess if you're going to be given a single personality trait, you might as well make the most of it.
So, yes, the main six go out to find Nightmare Moon and defeat her like they do in the show. Probably not a point in the stories favor when it reminds you that you could be doing something better with your time.
Like watching the show?
Or pulling your fingernails off with pair of pliers!
But… I don’t have any fingernails. You don’t have fingernails!
Don’t question my logic!
At the mention of the word 'generosity', a feeling awoke inside of Rarity that she couldn't explain. It was almost as if a spirit was lying dormant inside of her, something that was a very part of her soul.
Oh, fer…! It’s too late to get poetic now, story. You had your chance and blew it.
Oh, yes, and we get some attempts to show that Moxie could still hold the Element of Generosity by some mystical bullshit that doesn’t seem to take into account that Moxie is a murderous psychotic. I guess the Elements of Harmony are kind of lenient that way. That would explain why Tirek and Discord could use them, couldn’t it?! But I honestly think this would have been a better argument.
Of course I’m the Element of Generosity. I am generously giving out free bullets from my gun! No thanks necessary!
I’m going to skip over most of it because unless you somehow forgot what My Little Pony is because you drove a drill into your head hoping that it would prevent you from reading the rest of this story, I don’t need to remind you of what happened in the first two episodes of the series.
And for those of you who are going to be dicks and ask ‘What happened in the first two episodes of the series?’ instead of doing the the more entertaining thing and watching the fucking thing, heroes be heroes, bad guy be beaten, happy ending. And there’s a rainbow. Dash!
Which of course brings me to my next point, the fucking Sea-Serpent scene. Seriously, I know you realized you fucked up story, when you decided to make Moxie a psychotic murderer with no compassion towards others and would slit their throats at the slightest inconveniences, but could you at least have it make sense why she decides to be all of the sudden little miss nice pony, with flowers and butterflies and shit!
I think you forgot she’s supposed to be SECRETLY evil. It’s right there in the title. Maybe she’s just pretending to be generous.
But she gets all these feelings about helping others and that confuses her! And even that doesn’t make any sense because it’s barely in the story! I guess the story could be using the episodes to try and justify it, but that’s pretty lazy writing.
This comes completely out of the fuck nowhere and certainly doesn’t help keep the consistent tone of the fucking thing by having her want to slice up Twilight in one scene and having her give up her tail the next.
She’s gotta be fucking bipolar at this point!
So, Moxie goes back home and … I think we get some character development, but… again, comes the fuck out of nowhere…
Rarity grabbed her skinning knife out of the air and rubbed a speck of blood off of it. "True. Slaughtering anypony who makes eye contact with me seems wrong, but what about protection? Twilight and the others are family to me now. I don't want to see them hurt."
Tell that to the salespony and the other bullies you’ve murdered. I don’t think that’s how character development works, story!
Kind of seeing where the inconsistency comes from.
And because the last chapter didn’t see Rarity killing anyone, our next chapter immediately starts with Moxie’s new protection plan. By randomly killing a mare whom we’ve never met and know nothing about.
And despite her saying that she going to kill her for justice, the mare says that she apologized for saying something that she didn’t mean. Freedom of speech, my ass!
And see how inconsistent Moxie is when the mare begs her to spare her for her three year old daughter, and then deciding to kill her anyway, even though she spared Applejack for a similar reason earlier.
Seriously, this story has 1200 likes guys. I’m not fucking with you.
However, a group of guards finally show up at Moxie’s door and arrest her for kidnapping and murder. It turns out that Nelly had seen her abduct that pony and had contact the authorities.
So, Moxie’s arrested right? Story over? Maybe that’s why it has 1200 likes! The story ended before it had a chance to get even stupider! … So… why are there still 21 chapters waiting to be read? … Oh… god…
I’m going to spoil this incredibly, incredibly long sequence of a trail and other nonsense…
It’s a dream, right?
It was all…
Sounds like it was a dream.
say it with me…
A dream?
… A dream! Do you want your prize?
Yes, the last 4000 words of this story have been nothing but a large dream sequence. Yes, the story just went that cliche route. And … this story has 1200 likes… Sorry, I’ll stop mentioning it. I just can’t get my head around it. So, it’s just another cut and slash scene that we saw earlier. I guess it was to make Rarity not seem like the bad guy in her dream by killing a pony who hadn’t done anything, even though that’s exactly what she’s done in the past.
You know, if this story had focused on its character as it did its blood fetish, maybe we’d have an interesting story here. There’s not much else to say about this story since it’s a repeat of every single chapter in this story so far. So, I’m pretty much going to skim the rest of it.
So, she kills Gilda, which might piss off a few bronies now a days. Hindsight’s a bitch, isn’t it? Trixie, again, I don’t think Sethisto would approve of that.
Oh, trust me Critique, Sethisto doesn’t approve of anything these days. (glares at EqD rejection notices for Pie Am Bread and No More Ponies)
And like I said, it is pretty much a tour of the first Season of MLP where Rarity kills all the characters that the author doesn’t like while partaking in gore fetish. I know the author claimed that it wasn’t a story about slicing and dicing ponies, but that’s pretty much all she does.
The only real thing to note here is that she has a moment where Sweetie Belle has a problem with Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon. And Moxie tries to convince Sweetie Belle that she’s not dangerous, but aside from that, very little has actually happened in this story. Moxie just takes ponies to her basement and pointlessly kills them in the longest, slowest, and most boring ways possible.
It’s like if Cupcakes was stretched out far beyond what it needed to be. We hardly ever get a break from all the slicing and dicing. I don’t mind gore in a fic, but could we try to balance it out with something else, like some actual character development?!
But speaking of things finally happening, Sweetie Belle unwittingly stumbles upon her secret basement.
Now, let me repeat that. A 10 year old girl… is able to find the secret murdering ground of a killer… who has been killing for more than 15 years. Ooooh, and you want to know the best part about this scene… trust me, you’ll be so blown away from this… After she opens the door…
Moxie wakes up!
That’s right, it was all a dream, AGAIN!
… Okay. Listen. Because I’m only going to say this once, and I hope I’ll never have to say this again. All you people who gave this story more than a thousand likes, who fed this author’s monstrous ego, and who ballooned his reader count? This. This is all your fault. The story was completely dishonest about its intentions right from the start, and you loved it. The story was amateurishly written right from the start, and you loved it. The story was just rehashing scenes from the series it is based on, and you loved it. The story destroys Rarity as an interesting character as an excuse to have a pointless “character study,” and you loved it.
And now, this. He not only used the Just A Dream cliche… he used it fucking TWICE.
And. You. Loved it.
Get that out of your system?
But, it turns out that waking up from a dream was totally pointless as Sweetie Belle finds out anyway. So… whatever… I should be fuming with anger… but… I can’t… This is too beautiful… I am watching new stupid that I have never seen before. A stupid that is… so stupid, that it managed to fool everyone into saying more than it actually was. It’s not your fault. It’s this story. It thinks it's so smart and so clever and is so confident in how smart and clever it thinks it is that it actually has you guys thinking that it’s smart and clever without actually being smart and clever.
This… is an amazing stupid. A stupid that I can barely comprehend. … It’s actually kind of spectacular to read. I am reading the stupidest, most pretentious, and most arrogant story I have ever read in my entire life. Even Mykan couldn’t get as arrogant as this.
...You’re welcome?
*Gets on his knees in front of Fife* Thank you! Thank you for this wonderfully awful fic that I can mercilessly pummel!
But I didn’t write it.
And yet, I will send you the psychology bills.
So, rather than being, oh, I don’t know, freaked out by this, Sweetie Belle is rather interested in how her sister became a serial killer and wants to start doing it herself. It’s like fashion only less relatable.
But Moxie doesn’t want to show her how to commit an act of murder and she does this by showing her exactly how she would kill Diamond Tiara. Wait, what?
And then, Moxie says that she hopes that Sweetie Belle, whom I am now calling the Sister because fuck you, forgets that she has a basement full of bodies. Yeah, that’d be something I’d dub as unimportant too.
Right up there with unpaid taxes and that nagging pain in your lungs.
So, the next day, Sister wants to be shown how to kill, Moxie does so, kidnapping a mare and here’s where it gets funny. Moxie kidnaps a mare, whose little sister, Sister goes to school with, who talks about how great her older sister is, and is pretty much the exact same god-damn fucking thing as Moxie and Sister and yet… nothing. Nothing happens. They just move onto the kill without anything.
Granted, Sister tries to tell her not to kill her, but the conversation goes.
Sister: Don’t kill her.
Moxie: No.
Sister: Okay.
CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT ESTABLISHED
So, after Sister kills the mare that Moxie was going to kill anyway, Moxie decides that “maybe I don’t want my sister to experience the joy of cold steel cutting through warm flesh.” Yeah… Sister kills the mare… I would say I’m shocked at this point… but… nothing this story throws would surprise me now… I know I can’t take it back, but I’ll say it.
And then… guys, I’m not going to lie… this is where things got from really dark to really silly. I’m not even kidding… I’m trying not to laugh.
Moxie gets a memory spell from Twilight so that she can erase Sister’s memory of what she did. And when Moxie tries to cast the spell on her, they… have a Benny Hill chase?
Seriously, listen to this music while reading it, it actually fits quite well.
Rarity fired up her horn. If she did it right, Sweetie Belle would forget about this whole thing and simply wake up believing that she had fallen asleep on the floor.
Sweetie Belle squealed when she heard Rarity's horn fire up, and she quickly rolled out of the way. Rarity's spell hit the floor where her sister's head had been seconds before.
"No! Please don't kill me!" Sweetie Belle wailed as she backed away. "I'm sorry; I didn't mean to hurt her so bad! I won't tell anypony; just don't kill me!"
"No, Sweetie Belle: I'm trying to save you!" Rarity insisted. She fired off another memory spell which Sweetie Belle easily dodged.
"I don't believe you! You're going to leave my dead body in the Everfree Forest for the timber wolves to rip to shreds!"
"I would never do that, Sweetie Belle!" said Rarity, firing off another memory spell.
Sweetie Belle was slower to react to this one, and the spell hit her in the ear, knocking her backwards. Sweetie Belle quickly recovered. "You killed that mare in the basement! I saw you stab her in the leg and I'm going to tell everypony I see!" Sweetie Belle turned tail and began running towards the door.
"Sweetie Belle, you Pinkie Promised me that you wouldn't tell anypony about what I do in my basement!" Rarity cried.
Sweetie Belle stopped dead in her tracks and looked confusedly at Rarity. "Uh, no I didn't. The last Pinkie Promise I made to you was to clean my room by the time you got home from Twilight's. That was last month."
Rarity rushed over to her door and blocked Sweetie Belle's path. "Sweetie Belle, don't you remember? You Pinkie Promised that you wouldn't tell anypony about big sister being a serial killer!"
Sweetie Belle frowned, thinking over Rarity's words for a moment before shaking her head. "I think I would remember making a Pinkie Promise like that."
"Sweetie Belle! You..." It hit Rarity at that moment and she facehooved. "Oh for Pete's sake."
Sweetie Belle ran towards the back door and Rarity moved to intercept her. She didn't dare try another memory spell right now as she was not sure what the outcome would be. She quickly levitated her saddlebag over to her and took out a syringe that she stuck into Sweetie Belle's neck.
As a guy who loves himself some Mood Whiplash, I must state that such a thing requires good timing to work. This scene is presenting itself as intense, only for a lame joke to poke its head in, say something stupid, then leave. Like I keep thinking, this story would have worked better if the author had tried selling its premise as a black comedy instead of a… rather… dubious “character study.”
And then, just to add to the silliness of it all, Twilight Sparkle, after using a machine that can look into people’s dreams and memories…
She learns the truth about what Moxie had done and breaks down about and agrees to let Moxie wipe her memory.
That’s right! Their friendship is so strong and so powerful and so wonderful that not even when one of them turns into a heartless, soulless murderer would they dare turn on each other! Even though they have turned on each other and bickered over less, but it’s good to know that if one of them does go ‘Cupcakes’ on them, at least they got each others back.
… This… this really is a satire, isn’t it? This has to be! There is no way this could be anything less! The problem is that it isn’t very funny and isn’t very clear what it’s satirizing. Is it satirizing Moxie that during the episodes you’d think that she’s the dainty flower when really she’s this psychopath? It plays itself too straight to do that. It plays out like this could actually happen and that we shouldn’t let it happen!
And the author tries to be philosophical in an author’s note with this line.
In her own, perverse way, Twilight was being merciful by letting Rarity alter her memories, was she not?
Or being an accessory to murder. That works too.
Because, hey, the lavender goes great with the blood red.
Jesus, I need a break from this shit...
We'll continue with this crap next week! God damnit!
***
NEXT WEEK! THE THRILLING CONCLUSION! OF THE REVIEW OF THE SECRET LIFE OF RARITY! BECAUSE ONE OF US HAS TO BE THRILLING AND IT WON'T BE THE STORY!
Guest reviews, fun stuff!
I condone war and mass slaughter of civilians, but that doesn't mean I have to deliver a PSA about it every time I write a story.
Side effects include headaches, heartburn, vomiting, and your limbs flying about in every possible direction. Talk to your doctor if you experience any of these symptoms.
Amen to that.
For every bear that ever there was/
Is gathered there for certain because/
Apparently wearing a disguise means bears won't kiiiiilll you!
I... have this problem as well. I think I need help.
It's 'Always Calm is Flutter's Mom', but I don't really care either way.
I admit, I've been half tempted to read those things just to see how bad they are (and to make myself feel a little better about my own work).
I'd do that if I was in her position. It'd be like that scene from Tropic Thunder with Tom Cruise, except I'd actually go through with the threats.
... Wow, I actually agree on some level with South Park. This is... this is weird.
Bullshit! I can't say I can speak from personal experience, but they have a lot more power than that! You explained it better, but there are such things as principals and cops in the real world!
Maybe because you haven't told anyone. God, even Kalani would be saying you need to get help.
Given that the kids did not run away screaming when Rarity killed the first one, they probably deserved getting taken out of the gene pool.
Well, that's realistic. I can barely lift someone who is about a third my size and yet Rarity can sneak three corpses past an entire town.
Wait... not only is this drivel longer than God Empress, it's almost as long as my 44+ chapter Avatar: The Last Airbender epic? Obviously I've been doing this wrong; if I just babbled about bullshit for a few dozen chapters I'd be raking in love and adoration... not that my stories are unpopular, but they never got this popular!
Probably the ones who were so easily convinced that all the death and destruction at Jurassic Park was caused by earthmover accidents (from the book).
If this is supposed to make me feel sympathy for Rarity, it's not.
You know what fic does this better? It's not the Raptor DNA, a Jurassic World fic that makes the Indominus Rex a sympathetic character. It actually explains why she broke out and went on her rampage, and does it in such a way that is both a) understandable and b) sympathetic.
Yes, I feel more sympathy for a mutant killing machine than for Rarity in this fic.
I'd get all the money and retire early. Spend the rest of my day writing. And get New York Style pizza.
Now I want cupcakes... or failing that, scones.
... Why does this sound like a scene from a rejected story idea I had where Rarity is secretly a badass demon-hunter/knight in exile?
Again, It's not the Raptor DNA made the I. Rex more sympathetic in less time than this fic tried to make Rarity sympathetic.
See my last comment.
Khorne cares not from where the blood flows. BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD! SKULLS FOR THE SKULL THRONE!
Looks like Moxie's been taking some lessons from the Crazy Steve School of Social Justice.
I stopped caring around the time they rejected Mare of Steel.
Well said, my friend. Well said.
Yakety Sax also works quite well.
Wow, it's like Mass Effect: The Equestrian Equation, but stupid!
might want to label this as Part 1, unless you're being secretive about it.
Good review, can't wait to see how it ends next week.
This was a hell of a fun read. Eagerly awaiting Part 2!
3297007
The Benny Hill theme is Yakety Sax.
3297265 Oh... Didn't know that (the computer I'm working on doesn't have working speakers)
In fairness, assuming someone on the internet is mature isn't the safest thing to do.
So that's when she decides to become a serial killer.
Everyone assumed they tried to pick on a stranger in a dark alley that turned out to be a vampire or something. Best they could hope for, honestly.
Wait... she's worried about being a professional serial killer, and she's twelve?
Yay! The Mayor's going to die!
Awwww...
That's why she kills literally everypony she meets.
Because friends let other friends turn into monsters without doing anything to help them.
3297007 I think it's safe to assume that... I don't really like this one. It's pretty dumb as far as I'm concerned. I'm glad you guys are enjoying this review. Brony and I put a lot of work into it and I'm really glad it's going as well as it is
3297265 I'm glad you are enjoying it.
Part 2 coming next Wednesday.
3297325
Touche.
3297007 On what grounds? I can't think that a Superman crossover has any real reason to get rejected.
Just observe how kids behave. Interact with them. Nieces and nephews are a good start, since you don't want to freak people out by randomly talking to kids. But if you feel you should speak to kids to learn how they behave, I suggest learning a few small, quick magic tricks. These will help kids trust you and their parents won't think you're some weirdo.
On another note, children's author Beverly Cleary was probably one of the only authors I can think of who can write from a child's perspective in a way that is totally accurate for a child to behave. And of course there's plenty of books on child psychology. (Though according to the books I've read, when kids start acting they're grownups it indicates they hail from unstable families.)
3298707 I think it was some petty formatting issue, but I can't really remember.
I'll have to see about the kids, though. The closest I think I got was in my Avatar story, but it's been a while since I wrote that section
3298905 With the kids thing to add to Brony Fife, I've learned a lot about kids by dressing up as Spider-Man for birthday parties. Humiliating? To be honest... I actually enjoy it. The kids have a lot of fun, the costume looks cool, I make a bit of income, and it's a chance for me to be my childhood hero.
But Fife is pretty much on the dot with this. Working at a supermarket and talking to kids has helped me a lot and like the character I play, I have a niece and nephews.
3298937 Thanks for the suggestions
If you're interested, I can send you a link to what I'm working on so you can get a bit of context
3298949 Of course. I'd love to see what you're working on. I'd love to help anyway I can.
3298937
You dress up as Spiderman for birthday parties? Oh God, that's adorable.
I'm actually a party clown, myself. Magic shows, balloon shapes, face painting, even caricature artwork. I mean, come on, I get paid for babysitting kids AND doing what I'm good at!
Okay, I would like to start this by saying that 1. I get your review style. It's intentionally loud and over-the-top, so you're not just being jerks for the sake of it. I get it. Also, this story is often getting re-writes, and having read both of your reviews, I can say that some points are valid and I will take them into consideration when doing future re-writes. I'd be a poor author if I just ignored every negative review because I didn't like it.
But there are some points that I need to rebut...
In a fandom post-Cupcakes, I felt I had to clarify this, as for a lot of people, serial killer ponies automatically equals Cupcakes. However, you're right in that's it's a silly statement. I removed it.
Gah, I've written and re-written the opening scenes a lot. I agree, I can never get them quite right either...
... What do you care what he calls her? Champ is a strictly male term?
The very next line, if you recall, Rarity mentions that it wasn't the best one either.
When you do, watch the 1976 one with the always great Gregory Peck. The only thing that the remake did right was hiring Mia Farrow to play the nanny.
Quite agree. Again, chapter one of this story gets more re-writes than a George Lucas Star Wars film.
What schools did you go to? I wish I'd gone there. Cliche this may be, but yeah, it happens.
Oy. Fixed.
And again.
Granted, this is a world with cutie marks. Who's to say that there aren't a few classes designed to help foals possibly explore interests?
Seriously, what world do you live in and can I come visit? "Just ignore it", while not advice I got from my mother, is such common anti-bullying advice that I'm surprised they haven't put it on t-shirts.
Or, you know, it's a nickname they give her. You mention South Park several times in your review. Well, then you know the character of Butters. What's the name he calls Mr. Garrison?
... Teacher.
Fixed the semicolon.
Your world must be a utopia. I was bullied by the same people for years and nothing was done about it, despite repeated talks to the vice-principal.
Read: the utopia you live in vs. the real world.
I know it has problems. *sigh* I know what I'm addressing in my next re-write.
No, I'm not talking my way around this one.
Except the expulsion part. Trust me, if schools suspended students for verbal harassment... read: utopia vs. the real world.
Dug and Kicker weren't dropped into any pit. The timberwolves ate them. Again, it's a scene I'm going to be re-writing at some point so she doesn't drag them all the way to the forest.
re-wrote that bit. They onnly found Dug and Kicker. They never found Annie, as the paper stated before I fixed it. As for the whole "blunt trauma to the head" thing, look up how hard some animals can bite. It isn't ridiculous to imagine that they just assumed those wounds were the timberwolves chomping on their heads. No reason to think that timberwolves can't bite through bone. A lot of predatory animals can.
Rarity is a Power/Control killer. Which, yes, is one of the classifications of a serial killer.
Everyone deals with tragedy in a different way. Especially in the instance of something this traumatic.
Her happy-go-lucky attitude is fake. It's an act. It's her coping because the alternative is fixating on the fact that her parents might be about to die. She'd much rather talk to Rarity and try to have someone to help her cope than just sit in a corner and soak in her emotions. Just because that may not be how you would do it, doesn't mean that it is unrealistic.
Also, yes, I do want to re-write how cold Rarity's being You're right about that part.
They saved the naming process so that Rarity could have input.
Also, twelve in Equestria is WAY different than twelve on Earth. We don't know how old the Mane Six are currently. Some estimates put the number as low as sixteen. Plus, it's Ponyville. Not a big city.
Go back to the previous comment. Though I admit I do need to think of a better name for the company. Besides, you've come across solicitors before. Be honest, would this surprise you THAT much?
Fixed.
See previous comment about we don't even know what the age of the Mane Six are at the time of the show. Early twenties is just a guess. Also, you're a year off. Chapter one she's eight, chapter two she's thirteen, and here she's sixteen.
Granted, she lives with her. The rest of the ponies in Equestria... don't.
I... What? No it wasn't? Rarity's so shocked by what's happening that she wants to wake up from it. When the story says "it was a dream and she woke up" or whatever, that's not Rarity actually waking up, that's her in shock that this is happening. So no, you can calm down. There was only one dream sequence in the story. The one where Sweetie Belle finds out was not a dream sequence. At all. It never was. It was never intended to be.
She's not saying that as a "well it's unimportant, so you shouldn't worry about it" it's Rarity trying to avoid the problem. She has no idea about how to react to all of this, so when she's telling SB to forget about it, she's essentially shoving it all under the bed and hoping it goes away.
She has about two seconds to make a choice on it. Not a lot of time to weight the pros and cons of what to do. She's so shocked by what she's discovered that, at that exact moment, not later when she's thinking more rationally, she just wants to forget.
So yeah, I'll rebut part two later. Again, are all of your criticisms wrong and you're meany heads for "daring to speak ill of my masterpiece"? No. Not at all. You're right in a lot of places. And I'm constantly going back and trying to make it a better story. I think I would have written it a lot differently now. But were you right in every place? No on that, too. News flash: Rarity is not good. She's evil. She's a bad guy. Just because someone is a protagonist doesn't make them good. When you point out that she thinks she kills for reasons, but it's really just random ponies, you're right. She's deluding herself.
Like I said: she's a power/control serial killer. She gets her kicks by having absolute power over another pony. I study serial killers as a hobby sometimes. So I actually did some research on this. Rarity is not at all atypical of how real serial killers have acted. Ted Bundy, for example, lured people to him to kill or sometimes just broke into a house to bludgeon them. Some quotes from serial killers include:
"I killed people I didn't think was worth living anyhow." Otis Elwood Toole.
"Gratification lay not in assault but in the possession of the victim." Ted Bundy
"Once I've done a crime, I just forget it" Henry Lee Lucas.
John Wayne Gacy was a beloved member of the community and a family man. Harold Shipman was a doctor people really respected in his town.
And in terms of Rarity getting away with it for so long, that's typical in a world where we have whole police and FBI units focused solely on catching serial killers. A lot of the big serial killers killed for years before they were caught, because they were so good at blending in. They didn't look or act like psychopaths. When Ted Bundy's crimes came to light, his prison guards didn't believe it because he was so nice and charming. Imagine how hard it would be to catch a serial killer in a world where the last one (which barely anyone remembers) was three hundred years ago.
So no, I know a little more about serial killers than nothing at all. My representation here might not be perfect, but it's certainly not without precedent.
Again, though, you have a lot of good points, and I never thought my story was flawless. If someone can rip it apart like this, then yeah, it needs work. So no, I'm not mad at you. I'm not even irritated. You've helped me out here. Without stuff like this, I don't know how to improve.
One small thing, though. One thing I'm not going to budge on. I don't care what your style of review is: don't insult my readers. Ever. Rip on me all you want. I don't care as long as it's legitimate criticism. But my readers are just out to read stories. Calling them idiots for liking stuff like that (and I'm not talking about the bits where you wonder why the story has 1200 likes, but talk about them directly. We come on this site to relax, and read and write pony fiction. It's really poor form to call my readers dumb just because they liked something you didn't.
3316318 I understand you are upset over this. And I apologize. This was never my intent to insult your readers or your fans. They are free to like what they like and if they don't agree with my opinion, I respect that.
If that came off as otherwise, I apologize. It was never mine or Brony's intent.
3315520 I'm glad you read this review. Thank you for taking the time to check it out and letting me know what you think. I'm glad this helped you, even if it was just in a little way. I'm glad that you are so passionate about your story and about improving. It really warms my heart to see that.
A lot of the stuff you said, is warranted, but these are just how the story made me feel and what I gathered from it. And it's not perfect or right or the only way. It's just what I came up with when I read it. Others may enjoy it. Others may like it. And there's nothing wrong with that. If they like it, I don't want to make anyone feel bad about liking it. (Again, I apologize if I made anyone feel that way.) I just want to give my opinion and hopefully make better writers out there.
Again, thank you for giving the review a chance and I hope to hear more from you in the future.
3316318
Hey, guys, Bronywriter's here. Um, he claims I smack-talked his readers and implied I'm trying to dampen everyone's fun. What do you think I should do?
4.bp.blogspot.com/-7II3dJcYbfg/UMMTGWIKslI/AAAAAAAADvc/Um69JqRY-Yg/s1600/dr-evil-laughing.gif
Good idea, but I'll do something a little more constructive first.
A work only becomes big due to its audience, and as I outlined before, people generally aren't artists. Not caring about art isn't the same as being stupid. Stupid is willful, practiced ignorance. Apathy towards artistic merit is not. In fact, it's actually pretty normal. They loved your fic, warts and all, not because it was a gripping piece of fiction; they loved it because its core concept was gripping. They loved the premise, and in doing so ignored the quality of its execution, which led to lavishing praise, however undeserved, on this drivel. And because we, as writers, all write to some extent to be validated by our readers... yeah, it's our fault when something stupid happens in our stories, but if they love it still, then it kind of is their fault too.
It may be poor form to rip on your readers... but it's much poorer form to accuse others of something they never said.
Your notes on serial killers must be solid... but at the same time, there's one little detail you're overlooking regarding Rarity.
She's a bearer of the Element of Generosity. It's an ancient relic that, even near the beginning of the show's canon, is implied to have selected her as its bearer. It didn't float over to just anypony; it floated to her directly. Why on earth would it select somepony as rotten as Moxie?
Now I understand this story was written a long time ago, and this may be a good sign that this story is now horribly dated because of it, but since Equestria Girls showed us what happens when someone undeserving of the Elements wears one, they transform into a shape befitting what they always were on the inside.
So in short, it actually makes absolutely no sense that an Element would select a serial killer, since it can probably already see that Rarity is evil.
3318228
Yeah, it was written before Season 3 had even started. Maybe even before Season 2 had ended. We'd seen the Elements twice by that point and knew next to nothing about them. We still don't really.
Also, you claim you never insulted my readers in the review.
So... correct me if I'm wrong, but you're saying that it's all their fault that the story took turns that you didn't like? How is that not bashing them? You think they had anything to do with it? The 1200 likes came over the course of three years. When the story was finished, I don't think I'd even broken 300 likes yet. Come on, dude. Relax a little.
3316942 For sure. I'm still going to rebut the second half of your review, too, but as long as we know it's all in the interest of improvement and respectful discussion then I see no reason to think that it's going to go poorly.
Also, looking at your review, and I hate to come across as self-promoting here, I think you'd like the Secret Life spinoff A Shadow Hangs Overhead. It's a spinoff where she's caught right away after killing Kicker. Annie gets away and Rarity is arrested. So yeah, no serial killing, no torture and murder basement, nothing like that. It's a mare trying to cope with a huge mistake she's made.
I dunno, I think that one addresses your problems with this one.
3318942
Calling people out on letting bad writing slide isn't insulting anybody. How many sequels to Land Before Time did it take for the patience of the original's fans to run out?
3318988 923.
And yes, they like the concept. Could the execution be better? I already said that I go back to this one all the time. In the end, it's a difference of opinion.
3318946 I'll add it to the reading list.
3301106 Very cool. I'm sorry I didn't respond to this earlier. I enjoy doing it.