CCC: Cleverpun's Critique Corner #2 · 10:53pm Jul 14th, 2015
For a breakdown of the format, don't forget to check the first entry.
Title: Of Angels
Author: PaulAsaran
Short summary: Angel Bunny learns to write from Twilight, for a reason that quickly becomes obvious. Told through letters/written conversations.
Genre: Slice of Life/“feels”
What does this story do well?: This story’s foremost strength is the emotion in it. It is fairly subdued for most of the story, but there is still weight to the character’s emotions. There’s a few turns of phrase/images that I found very evocative, and it generally avoids being melodramatic or overwrought. After so many fics that focus on making the reader emote by mutilating the characters or making them orphans or whatever, it's a nice change of pace to see a “feels” fic with more grounding.
This story’s other strength comes from its format. The format is unorthodox, but it does help give a sense of Angel Bunny’s frustration and personality in a way that other formats might not. Writing characters who have some limited skill or unique perspective often requires some gimmick; writing the story normally would not give a proper sense of their situation. Such gimmicks need to be used to carefully, however, lest they become grating or intrusive. The Epistolary Novel is one of those gimmicks that I generally dislike. It often detaches the reader from the characters and can become rather dry if done incorrectly. I think this story uses it well enough, however, since it does use it to help reinforce the perspective of one of the characters. There are some annoying aspects, like the colored character text, but it’s not a dealbreaker.
Finally, the story does a decent job of informing the reader of what is going on without too much direct exposition. I was able to understand the format and situation fairly quickly without too much fuss. There’s enough little mentions here and there to make the situation seem believable and logical (like the mention of the size of the pencils and Angel’s need of a dictionary), but not so much that the story is bogged down in exposition or headcanon.
Where could this story improve?: Angel’s characterization is the biggest stumbling block in this story. Any time one gives voice to a voiceless character, it runs a huge risk of alienating the reader. Contradiction of canon is a common risk in fanfiction, and it’s even more true for a character like Angel Bunny who doesn’t talk. Even if one doesn’t mind Angel, and is willing to accept the characterization he has here, the way he talks is going to put off a lot of readers. I suppose there is some leeway here; the entire point of the plot is that Angel is learning to read and write from Twilight. His word choice and diction could certainly evolve many ways, especially learning from an informal academic like Twilight. I don’t think the result is as naturalistic as it could have been, though. The combination of cussing and the aforementioned evocative imagery in particular.
The second problem is that Discord’s appearance does absolutely nothing for the story. In a story this short, every word matters. His brief scene doesn’t really do anything to advance the plot (at least, nothing that wasn’t already being done by other characters). His shenanigans also highlight a weakness of the epistolary format by being hard to read. Discord is a difficult character to write regardless of his role; even the author admits themselves that they have trouble writing him. This only makes his appearance even more questionable and unproductive. I suppose if the contrasts and similarities between his and Angel’s relationships with Fluttershy had been played up more, it could be an interesting thematic point. As-is, his presence could be cut and improve the story.
Finally, the story lacks a conclusion. Obviously, having a more explicit scene between Angel and Fluttershy would have ruined the more subtle, realistic tone of the story. This fic crosses the line between “open to interpretation” and “vague”, however, and I think it is worse off for it. Perhaps the author could have had a final scene between Twilight and Angel, to help emphasize what had changed without being explicit about it. That also could have been a good opportunity to break from the epistolary format and emphasize how awkward and difficult it is for Angel to communicate by writing everything in real time.
In a single sentence: A “feels” fic with a pleasantly realistic tone, but hampered by pacing and characterization problems.
Verdict: No vote. I always appreciate a “feels” story that takes a more realistic, subdued tone. It’s nice to see a fic that is intended to make readers emote, without resorting to melodramatic clichés and heartstring-tugging shortcuts. The story also makes reasonable use of a format I normally dislike. Unfortunately, the plotting missteps and characterization issues hamper the story greatly. Anyone who can move past those might enjoy it, but that is a very large asterisk to place on a recommendation.
What's this? Actual criticism? My one weakness! But seriously, this is nice. Thanks for the review, it's good to be the one in the frying pan for a change.
I find your criticism of Angel's characterization to be... interesting. He's always been depicted in the show as a grumpy individual, even towards Fluttershy, so it only made sense to give him a cranky, rough tonality. In many ways, his behavior in-show doesn't seem to fit in with the MLP world, and I wanted to play on that. I'm not sure how I could have improved upon Angel's characterization based on what you've stated.
As to Discord... yeah, even my editors were trying to convince me to get rid of him. I'm still certain that having him was a good idea, but I'll concede that it was an idea with poor implementation. His relationship with Fluttershy was indeed part of my reasoning for including him, but I definitely didn't focus on that topic as much as I needed to make his presence viable.
Lastly, I wholeheartedly disagree on your point about the story lacking a conclusion. I don't see anything vague about the ending: Angel said what he needed to say, and the reader is free to interpret the next step – which, knowing Fluttershy's overall personality and Angel's revealed situation, isn't hard to guess. There will always be readers who think that more should have been said, but I honestly don't think the story needed it. If anything, I feel adding a last scene would have deadened the impact of the letter itself or, worse, become one of those heartstrings-tugging shortcuts you lamented.
Thanks for taking the time to write this bit of criticism. Perhaps at a later time I could ask you to do some pre-reading; I get the distinct impression that my stories would only be better for it.
3239893 Well, Angel's characterization in the show does have its inconsistencies. He ranges from being grumpy to tough-love to abusive. Like I said, I think the bigger problem is his voice and vocabulary. It's one thing to make a case for a given characterization, but it's a lot harder to justify a particular set of vocabulary and speaking style for a character who doesn't talk in canon. I think no matter what you had done, it would've been alienating to some people or another. That's the risk with giving voice to a character who doesn't have one.
Having him be a little more abrasive is definitely justifiable, but I think it clashes with some of the other traits you gave him. He cusses twice, but they are either cut off or PG-rated swear words. He uses some very evocative descriptions in his letter, with some very rich vocabulary and imagery. He also has at least one blunt Freudian slip. All together, it feels a bit odd. Any one of them is a reasonable point of characterization, but taken together they feel a bit mismatched and disjointed. That's what I was trying to get at.
For Discord's appearance, having him and just Angel might've helped; it would have made it easier to focus on those thematic points. It also would have made the conversation easier to follow and more plot-oriented. It's good to try writing characters one has trouble with, but it's also important to realize when things should be cut to improve the story
As for the conclusion, I agree that showing the interaction between Fluttershy and Angel would've been overkill. The important thing to remember, however, is that stories are about change. In classical plotting, the characters overcome a problem by growing and changing to meet it (or in a Tragedy, they fail to change and fall as a result). Here, Angel changes, but the reader is left to imagine the extent and ramifications of that change.
As I mentioned in the critique, there are ways the story could have concluded without showing that interaction between Angel and Fluttershy. Like I said, a scene between Angel and Twilight would illustrate Angel become a bit more humble and would also give a chance to tell part of the story in real time. Maybe Angel comes to the library to thank Twilight in person, or to return the journal since he doesn't need it anymore. Another way could have been to have Fluttershy return the journal, and hint at what happened through the way she acts. It's okay to be subtle and hint at things without being explicit, but less isn't always more. The story could've said a bit more without being blunt, in my opinion. Obviously that's a personal threshold, but I think such a scene could've improved the story.
Regardless of the specifics, thanks for taking the time to reply. Hopefully there is some advice here that will help in a future story, if not this one
I don't preread too much stuff these days, but I agree that outside perspective and critique can only help.