Theoretically it would be okay to fuck a robot pony (Late April Fools) · 9:15am Apr 2nd, 2015
Today I am here to talk to you not as an esteemed author, but as a scientist and sociologist who deals with the issues at the forefront of our rapidly changing civilisation. Tell me: what is the Western world's greatest, most unbreakable taboo?
It isn't homosexualiy. Indeed, homosexuals, asexuals, pansexuals, demisexuals, transsexuals, transgenders and nonbinaries and otherkin and whatever conceivable variations thereof are gaining acceptance. It is a slow and arduous process, but a process that is nonetheless happening. Even pedophiles are slowly, gradually being seen more as victims of a mental illness than the abhorrent monsters they were previously considered to be. In fact, I predict that pedophiles -- if not pedophilia -- will soon be considered a mundane, everyday part of life. You can no more "fix" a pedophile, after all, than you can "fix" a gay person. So what is the one, great taboo that even today is far from acceptance?
Bestiality. Even the word is enough to make most people sick. Even I, who consider myself to be entirely open-minded, think it is a despicable thing. I firmly believe that if a person were to, hypothetically, exchange sexual relations with a pony for example, that person should be jailed for their entire life, never seeing the light of day. Words cannot describe the disgust that I -- and, I should think, most of you -- feel at this perverted thought.
But as a socio-scientist as well-edcuated as I am, it would be wrong and against my nature not to consider other points of view when it comes to an issue such as this. For instance: suppose the pony is not real. It could be a robot. The technology is there, folks -- it's only a matter of time before sex robots, and indeed, non-human sex robots become a thing of reality rather than fiction. It isn't inconceivable that one might think to, perhaps, create a pony-shaped sex robot.
Real pony (left); robot pony (right)
Now think about it: would it be wrong to have sex with a robot pony? Well, why would it? It's not a real pony. It is an outstandingly realistic robot, make no mistake; it looks like a real pony, whinnies and moans like a real pony, it smells like a real pony, and no matter where you look from or how deep you go, it feels exactly like a real pony -- but is isn't a real pony. It secretes (fake) bodily fluids, and it acts so realistically that the person being intimate with it could be entirely convinced that is a real pony (even though, of course, it isn't). It could even be dyed to look like my favourite pony, Princess Luna.
Outfitted with all the necessary accessories: fake horn, fake wing, regalia -- the full programme.
And you could then have sex with it, nobody would think it was weird. I mean, let's be honest with ourselves. I certainly wouldn't think it's any kind of odd or weird. It's this hypothetical person's right to have sex with any robot that he owns. Or one that she owns. It could be a woman. It would probably be a man, I mean, the large, meaty, scrumptious, beautiful backsides of horses are in general far more appealing to men. Not that there's anything wrong with that. It is natural to be attracted to sizeable butts. It's just a fact of nature; they symbolise fertility, and men are as such hardwired to find them visually appealing. It's why we like women with big butts. Real, existing, human women that I am attracted to exactly because of their butts.
Okay, so let's say you live out in the country. You're surrounded by equines and large bovines no matter where you look -- it's just how things are out there. You are, of course, a perfectly healthy and functional human being who has no sexual interest in these animals. It is abhorrent and you shouldn't. So one day you're outside, walking around the household, when suddenly you hear grunting and whinnying from the barn. You peek through the window and, to your horror, find a man having sex with a horse. You are disgusted and horrified -- as you should be -- so you rush to call the police.
Eventually the police arrive and burst through the barn doors, and find the man and the horse still engaging in these terrible sexual acts. The guy is startled and pulls out, putting his hands up: "No, officers, it's alright! It's a robot."
So they take the horse to a vet. And even he has a hard time telling that this is a robot. It's such a well-made robot. It isn't until they x-ray the thing that everyone finally sees: it's a metal robot underneath, only it's all horse on the outside. So you and the respectable police officers who were only doing their job apologise. This man didn't do anything wrong at all, as the horse was not a real horse. Heck, you never know -- maybe the guy isn't even into horses. He could be attracted to robots in general. "Robosexuality," as it were, is certainly something that already exists, through for the lack of proper sex robots it's more of an obscure fetish than anything for the time being.
I mean, the guy is into horses and not robots, but he could be into robots.
Again, why would it be a crime to have sex with a robot pony?
For one thing, it isn't hurting anybody, is it? Sure, the theoretical Luna-robot might writhe and kick like it doesn't want it, but it's just following a set of pre-programmed instructions. It isn't a real pony.
Second of all, anyone will admit that horses are beautiful creatures.
It is not a real horse.
Let us imagine a different scenario. Suppose you didn't actually see this completely hypothetical man having sex with a robot horse, but you do walk in on him watching a video of himself fucking a lifelike robot horse.
You would still be this man's friend, right?
You wouldn't call the police.
You wouldn't get him thrown out of university. I mean, what does one's higher education have to do with their sexual preferences? Nothing. Not in the civilised world.
You most definitely wouldn't tell his mother and his friends.
You wouldn't contact the local media.
Because this man didn't do anything wrong, did he?
Now, say it with me: because it is not a real horse.
Thank you.
So what if I'm a bit late with my April 1st post I was busy get off my back.
Yes I stole the joke.
Seems legit.
Coinidentally, the new EQG shorts have provided feature box fuel for those who always wanted to see a pony-turned-into-a-human fuck a real horse, from what I can tell. :B
This was so mind-bendingly descriptive it actually made me uncomfortable.
Well done, you bastard.
.....sure, why not.
This was great.
I actually live on the countryside, and need only walk out my front door and go... what, three minutes, ish, to pass by some pastures.
All horse pastures. Including some with foals.
Don't talk to me about how attractive those things supposedly look. They make the kangaroos look like spotty teenagers in comparison. April Fools aside, yeah, I'd still call the police if I caught someone doing that.
For, you know, public indecency and all. It'd only be legal if no one saw it ;3