An Extremely Long, in Depth Review of "Applejack remembers." · 12:50pm Aug 24th, 2014
[There used to be a sentence here, but I have no idea what I was saying with it, so I had to put it down]. You can find my original comment and the story here.
Enjoy!
You know what? Fuck it, I'm going to go ahead and review this because I haven't reviewed things in a bit. This is a review by yours truly, JustAnotherTimeLord. Let's get started!
And so we begin this tale with so far, so good with a tag that gives the location and time, which is nothing truly wrong. It's been done many times, though it is most notably done with the Doctor Whooves Series by Loyal2Luna. Of course, in that case, it is necessary.
It was only eight in the morning in PonyVille on a sunny Tuesday.
But is it necessary to repeat what you already said in the time stamp in the story itself? We get it. It's morning. The only thing that is valuable information is that it's sunny. That sets up the scene and gives us a mental picture to begin drawing. But why does it matter what day of the week it is? Would this be a drastically different story were it on a Wednesday? God forbid it be on a Monday. Chances are that this story wouldn't be written at all. Everyone hates Mondays. Also, it's just "Ponyville." I'm not sure why people do this, but now you know it's wrong.
Every pony was starting to open their stores and begin the day, but all was different at sweet apple acres. Big Macintosh And His little sister Applejack was out working in the apple fields Big mac was plowing the fields and Applejack was Bucking Apple trees all was normal for a day at the farm.
And here is where things start an unfortunate trend downhill. First, you didn't even capitalize "Sweet Apple Acres." It's the name of a place (specifically the official title of said place), so you need to capitalize it. But here's what gets me. You keep on capitalizing random-ass words. "And" isn't a noun, and "His" isn't either. And why would you capitalize "Bucking" and "Apple"? That doesn't make any sense. But back to the content. Applejack is Big Mac's "little sister"? I mean, technically, sure, but she's not only an adult, she's not really all that small.
"Little sister" would be for someone like Apple Bloom because she's . . . you know, little. The connotation fits the literal description. And the definition actually fits the actual description. Anyway, you also don't do anything with this at all. You just say, "Hey, this shit's happening while other people are doing things. I don't know why I thought it was important, but I just wanted to include Applejack at the beginning because the story title and subject is about Applejack." And let's not forget the fact you jump to a completely new sentence right after Applejack was bucking trees. It's not even a comma splice; the comma died long ago in the war called the writing process of this story.
*Meanwhile...
I can't believe I even have to make separate point for this, but I guess I'm going to have to swallow this pill. And no, it isn't cyanide. That's for later. First, this is a terrible, awful, almost borderline atrocious way to have a scene break. This is something that you would write on, say, a script for a play, movie, or TV show that is basically saying, "Move on to the next scene, but remember that this is going on at the same time." You may be thinking, "Well, that's the point! What is your point? Huh?" Well, this leads me to number two.
This one little word completely makes the beginning scene even more useless, and that's something I almost thought couldn't happen. I am now very sure that you had the beginning scene because you wanted to have Applejack mentioned at the beginning and for no other reason. Now, you can successfully do what you did, but the core of the problem here is this scene break. You don't need one! You are in Sweet Apple Acres! You only need to move the camera to wherever you want to go. A scene break would be necessary for instances where either extreme distance or time are in between the first and second parts. In this case, there are none.
" Comon Silly Filly were gonna go eat." Said Grannysmith, She was trying to wake up Applebloom.
" Just five more minutes granny." Said A sleepy Applebloom.
Granny rolled her eyes.
" Oh well, I guess All those fritters will be mine if Ya don't wan em"? said Grannysmith.
" WAIT"!
Applebloom's eyes shot up, And she flew out of bed and ran past granny smith. By the time, granny reached the table Applebloom was set at the table all ready. After about thirty minutes of the two eating, AppleBloom decided to checkup on her Big sister Applejack.
Comon, m8. Rly? You started off the very first line of dialogue with an error. Not only that, this may be one of the most error-strewn lines of dialogue I've seen in a great while. How about a check list.
√ – Typo at the beginning of the dialogue, including a space after the first quotation mark of the dialogue . . . for all dialogue in the entire story.
√ – More random capitalizations, and there is no comma surrounding the noun of direct address
√ – No comma at the end of the dialogue line, and the speaking tag is capitalized for some reason. Probably a product of random capitalization
√ – You repeat what is obvious right after you say "said Grannysmith." It was also a comma splice. Shamfur Dispray!
That's just in the first line of dialogue. This isn't setting up the story to be very good at all. I mean, let's do a quick word count, shall we? I'm doing this from the start of the review (not including my introduction) to the question mark. So far, not including quoted material, I've got 766 words. Amazing, isn't it? Anyway, let's continue.
Now that I've covered the errors (which I won't need to cover again because . . . they all happen over an over), let's talk about what's wrong with this quoted bit already. Apple Bloom said "wait" before she opened her eyes. First, why? Just why? Second, . . . why? You do realize that the order in which you say things is just as important as what you say, right? Because putting her dialogue before the actual description of her actions breaks the sequence of events. And rather spectacularly, too. While this may be ridiculous, the rest is the icing on the cake that is basically a microcosm of the rest of the story . . . within the story itself.
So let's track the events so far. Granny Smith comes in to wake up Apple Bloom. She doesn't at first, very clichely (you should be proud: I invented a word for you) says she'll eat all the breakfast food of her obviously favourite breakfast food, and then they go to eat breakfast after Apple Bloom realizes that the author is forcing her to do things against her will, and the consequences of her not obeying are . . . severe. They eat their breakfast in thirty minutes, and then Apple Bloom's like, "It's been thirty minutes already? That was only one sentence!" and is once again forced to go and do something, that being going to find her sister.
This was all in one paragraph.
↑ That is one paragraph. That paragraph and your paragraph have something in common: they both are sparsely worded. The difference is that mine didn't glaze over thirty minutes in one sentence. Once again, I bring up the point of pointlessness. Why does how much time they spent eating matter? Did they seriously only eat apple fritters for breakfast? I mean, yeah, they love apples, but they can't have apple fritters every single day. They'd all be fat. So what's so special about today? What did they talk about at breakfast? At least TRY to make things important. It's like you are trying to do exposition, but you start thinking, "Why am I doing this? I only need to try and get to the main point of the story as fast as possible, so I'll just not try at all."
But then things just get ridiculous. She steps outside . . . and then yells out for Applejack. She didn't even try to find her. She just said, "Fuck it, walking off the thousand pounds of apple fritters I ate is too much right now. I'm just going to plant my ass and yell for her." Also, a better question is . . . why isn't Apple Bloom about to go to school? Are we just supposed to assume that it's summer time luh-uh-uhvin!? You didn't even state that. But oh well, right? It's all about conveniences here, not what makes sense.
" Hey Sis!" Said Applebloom.
" Whoa"! Applejack Became frightened from the jump scare.
Jus' saiyan, jump scares are things that happen in SCP Containment Breach, Amnesia, and the trillions of RPG horror games. It's pretty ill appropriate to use in a story (but we at least know you watch and/or play games with jump scares). But the main thing they all have in common is that . . . they all happen when someone is facing forward. You never actually said which way she was coming from or anything. Of course, I kind of feel like this is just a shameless addition to imitate Pinkie in some way. I don't know. It makes no sense why this is here anyway. Can they not just meet normally? But . . . this is what gets me.
But Applejack realized it was Apple Bloom.
This may be the most grammatically correct sentence in this story! But it also is one of the worst because it is just so pointless. Did this even need to be said? Better yet, did it really need an entirely new line? Le sigh. This is becoming a trend, huh?
" What in tar-nation was that for"? Said Applejack.
" Well, I wanted to know what y'all were doin"? Said Applebloom.
" Well all I was doin was buying something other than apples because I heard if all I eat is that Apples ill get myself poisoned and if I'm sick I can't work " Applejack gave the little filly a stern look as she waited for a response.
Appleblooms Smile turned into a frown, and she pouted a little. Apple jacks stern face when away she smiled and hugged Applebloom.
Why did this scene even happen? Why is this information important? Why was Applejack giving her a stern glare after answering her? Why was she glaring at all? If this is supposed to mean that she got a little angry, then why? Why would she be angry in the first place? Also, speaking of eating only apples . . . I am reminded of breakfast. I'm sure Apple Bloom still has those excess pounds laying around. That short walk won't burn 'em off quite so easily.
"Ah shucks Applebloom I ain't mad at yah; I'm just a tad hungry and tired." Said A sorry Applejack.
P-proper use of a s-semicolon?! Fuck yeah, man! But . . . a sorry Applejack? Really? Come on, man. You had it! You used a semicolon correctly! Your life was made! You can literally do anything in life now, but then you said . . . that. "A sorry Applejack." I really, really want to be able to find a way to explain this to you, but . . . I just can't. That is simply a really, really bad line, and I don't even know why you would write it that way.
Applejack Gave the mare behind the stand a small Cloth sack of about five Bits and the two sister earth ponies walked back to the farm.
I've seen the worst of the worst in terms of LUS, but this might just be the greatest example of LUS ever. In case you aren't aware, LUS stands for Lavender Unicorn Syndrome, a terrible degenerative condition that slowly eats away at you brain matter beginning in the neocortex. It can, in many cases, spread very quickly to the temporal lobe, and it continues to liquefy the brain from there. The case in point is "two sister earth ponies." Is there no way you could have used their names? Hell, you could have at least said "two sisters." That's totally fine. But you didn't. You had to say "sister earth ponies." We know they are earth ponies. You don't need to remind us.
" So do yah do this all the time Applejack?" Said apple bloom.
" Well No, not really you see that with out the work that I do we would be broke and be forced to sell the farm."
Applebloom took some time to process the information.
" Huh interesting." Thought Applebloom to her self.
[insert "That Escalated Quickly meme here]
So if Applejack leaves the farm everyday for . . . ten minutes each day to eat something other than apples, the farm will go bankrupt, forcing them to sell the farm. I'm pretty sure that's not going to happen. I'm also sure that there are actions in place that allow someone to get back up on their feet after going through a bankruptcy. It's called bankruptcy.
Also, an entire line devoted to telling us that Apple Bloom is thinking. Then, you make her say something about it to herself. Why? That's all I have to say. I've asked that question too much already.
The two were about half way back to Sweet Apple Acres when suddenly Applebloom noticed an Old Path that lead into the woods. She decided to take a short walk inside to see what there was.
Oh man! Look at that path! I can't believe that, in all my time living in the town, walking through the town, and crusading through the town, I didn't notice it before! Let's go ahead and go down it because I can! And, you know, it was a sudden thing. There was no warning.
One word, my friend: contrived. It's there to lead the plot along without making any sense in the process.
* Creek.
The sound of a very loud creaking noise and brush moving killed the silence.
And then . . . a creek forms out of nowhere. The creek appeared out of thin air and burst through the forest. And it is because of this that the tree fell. It makes sense.
But seriously, really? This isn't a play script. You don't have to tell us that a sound is happening. You should explain this in the narrative. Not only that, you go the extra mile of literally telling us what it was. And you spelled the sound correctly the second time! Seriously? I . . . I don't even know anymore.
" AHHHH"! Apple bloom screamed.
Applejack heard the screaming, and she noticed that Applebloom was missing.
How did Applejack not notice she was gone? What the hell were they doing? Equestria hasn't advanced far enough to invent MP3 players, iPhones, or fast food restaurants, so she has no reason to not know when her sister just up and leaves. They're walking together, for God's sake! They're hooves make sound when they touch the ground. And since Apple Bloom is around 150,000 pounds due to all those fritters, she will make one hell of a sound. This simply doesn't make any sense, and if we are to take this at face value, Applejack is the one at fault here for not being attentive enough.
But I know she's innocent. It's hard to do things you don't want to do against your will.
" Oh No"! Said a frightened Applejack. She ran to the noise behind her.
Applebloom saw a large, dead tree fall towards her, and She jumped just missing the tree from hitting her little body.
Once again, sequence of events are all kinds of messed up. Applejack had time to start running towards Apple Bloom's scream before we are told that the tree is falling. Better yet, Apple Bloom spent that whole time watching the tree fall. According to this order of events.
" This is bad please oh hang on their Applebloom"!
" Mah Leg hurts AJ." Said Apple bloom.
I . . .
I . . .
I don't know what to say. Applejack is truly frightened for Apple Bloom because a tree fell on top of her leg. And the only, the only response that Apple Bloom gives to a tree falling on her is "my leg hurts." Her leg's broken! Why isn't she screaming? Why isn't she visibly crying? Why, why, why, why?
" Big Macintosh, AppleBloom got cough under a tree But I can't lift it I need your help "!
Big Macintosh stood up and then he realized the situation and her then agreed with a
" Eeup"!
So . . . Big Mac had to stand up before he realized that, yes, Applejack is indeed talking about something rather serious. He couldn't have figured that out while he was sitting down? I mean, that'd make him more urgent to get up. You know, just a little . . .
All Applebloom could remember is that everything became blurry, and she dozed off from all the excitement and pain.
Because, you know, everyone passes out when they break a bone or injure their body. I remember when I passed out for a year after accidentally getting a fiber glass splinter. Fun times.
The Beeping of a Hart monitor filled the room.
This is too funny to pass up.
A white Hospital room that housed Applebloom and a White earth pony Nurse, who Was Writing down notes on a clipboard. Apple bloom was laid down on her back with her Metal Arm Holding her Right rear leg up which was also In a cast. Applebloom Opened her eyes.
" Were am I?" AppleBloom said as she waited for a response.
But all that she got was Happy Smile from the nurse whom then walked over to her bedside.
" Now Applebloom I'm glad you're awake But I need you to not move your legs. It will hurt if you do." Said A reassuring nurse RedHeart.
Okay, once again, you have a very unfortunate case of LUS. But . . . you continue to make the record books. Not only do you have LUS, you decided to not tell us the name of the nurse until her first dialogue line. What's the point of that? Why not just tell us her name from the very beginning? How many nurses do we legitimately know the names of in the show that are white? Not many. So you aren't being creative here; your being annoying.
" Well Ah-." Applebloom was then drowned with questions of concern from her family.
This happened for about five minutes in till the nurse settled them down. Applejack then went up next to Applebloom and gave her a kiss on the forehead.
So . . . let me go ahead and get the puzzle pieces. I need to put this together. You decided it was a good idea to pass over five minutes of highly valuable exposition, where we get to see the very heart warming moment between the family as they get to talk to Apple Bloom while she conscious, just . . . because? Because it wasn't important to you? Better yet, you completely passed over the point that Applejack was (at least, in your story due to contrivances) the reason why she got hurt; she was (technically) negligent in her duty of watching over her sister. If you are going to intentionally dig yourself in a hole, at least make the hole your home.
_______________________
*( Apple Jack's thoughts)" If I lost her I don't know what I would do without her." Apple Jack thought to herself.
_______________________
There are so many things wrong with this that . . . I don't even know where to begin. I guess we'll start top to bottom. First, you, once again, used an asterisk and an explanation of what is actually happening to tell us what's actually happening. You could have used italics instead, and no one would have thought, "Is Applejack thinking to herself?" Not a single person. Second, this . . . this is so dry. It's nothing, once again. It's only there to be the "climax" of the story, where Applejack realizes that she might just be sad if Apple Bloom died. Just a little. You didn't even have any real emotional build up to this. It went by so fast and with so little sense that nothing truly worked. Once again, you are skipping over things because you can. Or maybe because you don't know how to. I don't know.
And finally . . . you decided to place the thought by itself. For no reason. At all.
After AppleBloom Had her accident Applejack decided that after she had Went to her sister's bedside and took care of her little sister she wanted a little one of her own to love and take care of. So she went to her doctor the following Sunday, and this is what happened.
This pretty much sums up the story in more ways than one. Right here. This is what I'm talking about. THIS is you deciding to just not give a fuck. You just decided to glaze over it because it wasn't important. But it is! It is very important! It's the entire basis of your story! You said that while Applejack cared for Apple Bloom after the accident, she starts to realize she might want a foal of her own to cherish. But you skipped that entire part! We don't even get to see the emotional build up to her decision. There was nothing. It was just, "Hey, this happened, so yeah."
This is laziness. There is no excuse for this.
" Come in."
Applejack opened the wooden door and stepped inside.
" Take a seat will you?" Said the doctor.
Applejack then took a seat, and there conversation began.
After about 20 minutes later.
You know, the more you keep on skipping things, the more this story is simply going to be boring. Also, she's there to see if she's fertile, right? Why did she go and check herself first? Usually, girls go and have sex first. That's kind of how it works. You assume you're fertile until proven otherwise. You bypassed an entire step in this process because . . . I guess pony sex is bad or something. Who knows.
" I'm very very sorry Applejack but your chances of having a child of your own is extremely slim to none." Said the doctor.
Applejack's eyes teared up as she got the terrible news. She got up and hugged the doctor tightly, and she cried out loud.
"Well, Mrs Applejack have you ever thought about adoption?" Responded the doctor.
And the stunning, totally unexpected conclusion to the first chapter sets up the entire story. Next up, Applejack adopts Scootaloo, she loves her, Apple Bloom gets all happy because she has a new sister that also happened to be her best friend, and everyone lives happily ever.
The end.
And maybe some aspirin.
Just know that Applejack remembers.
2396705
VL;IW
Very long; I wrote [it]
Nice review, but I'm not sure if I understand the point of reviewing it. I would have just pointed out the mistakes and told them to go read FIMFiction's writing guide for some information.
2396731
Reviewing allows people to know what's wrong and why. Unfortunately, those two things cannot always be answered by the writing guide. But it's also the familiarity aspect. It's far better for someone to get a review from a user than for them to do research because a review holds far more meaning if it's by a user . . . "just like them." When I get one, I'm on the edge of my seat at every error, and it sinks in. Just look at Nightmares.
Apart from this entertaining sentence, I like your reviews. Please continue doing them.
Why am I not following you yet.
2398302
Welcome to the crew! It's going to be a hell of a ride.
This was awesome.
Too bad the author deleted the comment. I'm just glad that you saved this great review!
2396706
TL:DR version
This is terrible.
Also, I lost it at the creek/creak part.