Anxiety disorder sucks · 7:11pm Mar 3rd, 2014
Hey everyone. I've been feeling like absolute shit lately, so this blog post is going to be solely about me venting.
In the past few months, my anxiety disorder has decided to act up far worse than before, which has caused me no small amount of grief. It was pretty manageable before Christmas, but now, I really don't know how long I'll be able to hold out. It doesn't help that it seems like I'm getting sick on top of that.
It isn't fun to spend two months with such strong feelings of anxiety that I can't sleep well, can't properly distract myself with anything, hell, there are times when it's difficult walking down the fucking stairs because my whole body is shaking uncontrollably. Meds don't seem to be working either, at least not anymore. The doctor recently decided to up the dose, but that turned out to have the opposite of the intended effect, so we dialed that down again.
Nothing really helps. Shit, I wish it did. I regularly do breathing exercises, but those don't really help anymore. Calming myself down through peace of mind doesn't work either. My head just kind of... ignores it, I guess. Which is the problem with a lot of things. I know what's wrong, I know what I have to change, but my head just doesn't listen. There's no legitimate reason I should feel anxious about anything. Strictly speaking, everything's going well, actually. The fact that I can feel my heartbeat all the way in my arms, however, suggests otherwise.
It's really, really frustrating. I'm catching myself nearly lashing out at people at times, which is something I never, ever do. Last time that happened, I was in an awful depression, so that kind of indicates where I am right now. I feel awful, being a huge burden to myself and others. I can't properly take care of my own health, I can't do important school work on an acceptable level... Hell, I can't even write. Whenever I try, my head starts rebelling against it, saying that I'm wasting my time doing something not related to school, causing more stress.
I hate it! I want to write stuff. Things I enjoy writing, and which people enjoy reading. Today, someone asked me what I'm anxious about, considering I'm one of the most famous authors on the site. Which is still weird. I don't feel that way. Not for my skill, at least. I just had a lucky little accident. It's fun, and sometimes, when I'm in a bad mood, I still act like probably a lot of other people would act. Insecure, jealous, whatever. The folly of human nature, I guess. At times, the site frustrates me. People recommending this and that, and having to say sorry, but I'm not reading any pony fics right now. It's not that I don't enjoy them, it's just that I have such an enormous list of things yet to do. All of which is getting massively stalled by this stupid anxiety.
I love... this, I guess I'd call it. Writing, talking to people who enjoy what I wrote, learning new things, and the occasional surprise. Funnily enough, some people are kind of scared to approach me, or think they're not worthy of my time, or something silly like that. It's always kind of ridiculous. Then again, I'd feel the exact same in the vicinity of some other people. What feels like absolute crap is having to constantly wait until I can allow myself to write again. Sometimes, I can manage a little bit. Like, a hundred words, maybe a bit more. It's never really up to par, though. Then again, I've never felt like anything I wrote was up to par, not even the stuff people like the most. I guess that's what you get when you're pretty humble and have a bit of an inferiority complex, hm?
Both of those also tie in to my current situation. Constantly feeling anxious about having to do stuff is bad enough, but always feeling like I'm never doing good enough can be very damaging as well. It helps, sometimes. Usually with writing. It makes it easy to learn, because I feel like I'm never really 'done'. When it comes to school work, though... At first I worry because I haven't finished it yet, and after that, I worry because 'obviously, it's not good enough'. There's no real escape from me being a dick to myself. It doesn't matter whether I'm right or wrong, the feeling is just there.
I guess what I want to say is, you probably won't see any writing from me for a while. I just can't, not when I can't get a moment of peace and quiet at any time. I can't make one for myself for the coming next few weeks at least, and my next holiday is once again situated in the middle of classes, promising another bout of extreme anxiety. I'm so tired of everything, and it's only been half a year, or something like that. I can't give you any ETAs, or whatever. Not until I figure out an ETA on when I'll feel better, if that even happens in the near future.
Take your time. A lot of people, including myself are struggling with the same kind of thing you are, so the majority will understand. Work at your own pace, we'll be patient.
Awwww.
Sounds like somepony needs to give their fluffy ferret friend a BIIIIIIIIG HUG! 
It's alright. I didn't realise it was so persistent...
Wish I could help, but I'll probably end up researching for your benefit, which isn't as good as it sounds.
Just take it easy.
Magis
As the others say, take your time. The health is more important than the story.
It sucks when ones brain just plays agains yourself because whatever reason. I'm not an expert but I can make an idea of what you are living.
In anycase I can say that I like a lot your drawing, so you are good and capable. And if you want to talk or whatever, just send some words
I wish I could do more to help. Best I can do is to remind you to not lose hope and try and be optimistic, but given your situation, I can see how that'd be both hard and only going so far.
Still, take your time. Do what you feel you need to. Don't think that just because you have a notable fanbase you're thereby obligated to go out of your way to keep us happy at your own expense. We can wait.
Look, friend. We care about you, and you know that. Why else would you post a blog like this? I doubt there's anything I could say that makes me stand out from the others here... but maybe that's the point. We're all one big voice telling you everything is gonna be fine.
And everything WILL be fine.
There's nothing more I can do but reassure you. If you ever want to talk, my door is always open.
And I thought my lfe was hard. Yours sounds like mine, times eleven or more
1893260
Beautiful. I culdnt have said it better myself. I agree completely with you.
Everything WILL be fine!
Dude, from my own experience with anxiety disorders I know it can be pretty rough. Hope you manage to work out some relief soon!
1893260
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I wish I could give you the biggest hud/cuddle ever and just help you calm down somehow... what you're going through sounds terrible.
But don't give up. You can make it through this. I believe in you.
It's okay, pal. It's all right. Let it allllllll out.
*virtual hug deployed*
Thanks, everyone. I really appreciate all the support, even though the only reason I made this blog post was pretty much to vent my frustrations.
1893260
I guess you're right, about the reason why I made this. It's nice to be able to vent every once in a while, and have people show support. I'm just so frustrated and depressed by all this that it honestly doesn't seem like it ever will be fine, or at least, not in the near future.
1893046
Drawing? All the art you see on my page is made by other people. I just supply the words! Still, thanks. It means a lot to me.
1895031 LOL Also I have to mention that I am very dislexic when I am tired (it was late here when I wrote that) I meant writing XD I was talking about your changelings stories, specially Suncloak's
Do your teachers know about this? If so, are they making adjustments to help you cope with your stress?Like maybe getting you a personal mentor, or something? I had one for a while, and I thought that maybe it might help for you to try something similar? Hope you get better soon, but please don't try and write anything until you feel comfortable with it. I'm sure everyone here can wait a while longer for a story if it ensures your continued health. Thanks for all the great stories you have written us!
Well...you got fans here in Germany too, you know.
We can anytime start a new war, just to capture some of the best Docs for you.
Okay, just kidding.
To be honest, i don´t know what else i could say, than the support the others already shown and some silly jokes in the hope to give you a little smile...
I´m not you and i never had Anexiety disorder, so i can´t tell you what is the best way to deal with it.
All i can do, is to tell you, what i do, when i feel down.
Usually i drink a nice cup of Earl Grey tea or hot Lemon with honey, while i hear some happy mood songs.
Just some out exemples out of my head: Hakuna Matata from Lion King, Let it Go from Frozen, Pinky Pies Smile Song (of course) and Laughter from AcustiMandoBrony.
And than there is the one song, which kind of stuck in my head (and heart) since i was...four..i think...
Its Nessaja´s Song from the Rockfairy-tail Tabaluga from Peter Maffay.
The Song is in german, so i don´t know, if that works for you but maybe it helps a bit.
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JFXT62QF-6s]
Sadly, the original is no where to find, so sadly the speech of Nessaja is missing.
It goes kind of that way:
"Grown up? Whatever does it mean?"
"Reasonable? Whoever is it?"
"I am me and you are you"
"Thats all i know"
"You are young and i am old."
"But what could it mean anyways?"
Wow...look at that...
For someone, who doesn´t know what to say, i wrote a lot.
What i tried to say was:
We care for you and we won´t give up on you.
I am sure, it will get better for you.
1895704 Don't forget Winter Wrap up - the best anti-depressant invented
1895317 Oh, hehe, I know the problem.
1895516 Yeah, they do. It's not much help though, because my teachers just know what's up, and nothing more.