It needs Zazz

Hey, Dethklok! Can you guys help me out here?

So, I get a letter back from EQD today, rejecting The Carrot Dog Fight without a strike. That's pretty good, though I was beating my head against the wall when I got it. I'm tired of that story. Very tired.

But basically they said it needed some minor tweaks, most of which I have done now. However, there is one area that I still need to look at. Because it needs zazz. This is what they had to say about my long description.

The only thing I'd say about the synopsis is that it's a little heavy on the "to be" verbs. You'd ideally like this to be something active that will grab the reader's interest.

I spoke here the other day about my crappy long and short descriptions, and here we have it biting me in the ass once more. Here's this story's synopsis:

When Rarity gave Spike a delicious carrot dog, he was thrilled. A tasty treat from Equestria's most beautiful mare? What could be better? Unfortunately, a passing red jay had different ideas. Now, Spike is on a mission to recover his carrot dog, but he's about to discover that city birds can be pretty tough…

Now, I know this must have problems, because I didn't get very many views on that story, but I have roughly a one in five like to view ratio. That means that quite a few people who read that story liked it. It's the best ratio of any of my stuff. That tells me that I'm bad at selling it. I need more zazz.

Do you guys have any good advice? It's a story about Spike going to recover his carrot dog from a couple of thieving birds, only to find out that they've got it pretty rough, too. How do I make that sounds zazzier?

Comments

[Seether00]

A delicious carrot dog gifted by the most beautiful mare in the world? What could be better?

How unfortunate that a passing red jay has different ideas. Now, Spike's on a mission to get back what's his.

Too bad the city's birds really really want it.

Meh, could still use some tweaking.

[Inquisitor M]

What's better than a huge, succulent carrot garnished with everything and stuffed in a freshly-baked bun? Why, a huge, succulent carrot garnished with everything and stuffed in a freshly-baked bun given by the most beautiful mare in all of Equestria, of course. And what's worse? Having it swiped from your own two claws mere seconds before the first bite.

By a bird.

Oh, it's on, alright.

[Zerbin]

1850813
Oh, I'd read that story.