How to Make YOUR Blurb/Description Better · 2:30am Jan 23rd, 2014
So, I've been spending a fair bit of time here. It's a site for writers, similar to Fimfiction, but a tad more... general.
While there, I found threads where people needed help with various things, from summaries to blurbs to whatever. And I love helping them. While showering today, the thought crossed me, why was I helping them instead of the people here? This is my home on the internet and these are my ponies. This is the place I should be helping.
So, with a thin, thin layer of egotism wiped off, I decided to drag the thread here.
Post your summary/description/blurb below and I'll tell you what I think.
DO NOT post links, DO NOT post an entire chapter and DO NOT ask me to read your entire story. If I like what I see, I'll check it out on my own terms.
I don't want anything in return. The responses will be quick, but if it gets busy, please give me a few hours to post back to you. I do have stories of our own, and, on occasion, enjoy a leisurely amount of sleep.
Thank you and post away!
Hi. I would really like if you could give you're opinion on this, if it sounds interesting enough to read, right format, etcetera.
1748581
Most certainly, friend! Dig the profile picture, by-the-by.
Let's start!
Hmm, you have some good here, and some not-so-good.
Starting your description with dialogue is always risky. On the one hoof, you could get the reader intrigued with your character's voice. On the other, the voice is face-less unless you use a main character that's well know or really know how to write dialogue.
My honest opinion would be to simply cut out all the dialogue at the start. Your second section, with the "I am The Writer" is very good on its own.
Keep it up! Maybe add just a tad more, then polish it up and you’ll have gold.
Fuck it, I shall make use of your services. Inform me of what you think about this:
Short:
Long:
I'll post the one I'm least sure about, for an upcoming story. Usually I copy the ones from Netflix and apply them to my own, so I don't have as much a problem.
Also, nice to see you enjoying Wattpad! I'll eventually be switching all my prose over there, so it'll be nice to have a friendly face.
1748626
I won't poke at the short one. I hate short ones.
Let's start!
Okay, first off, damned intriguing. You have more questions piled on here than Twilight reading a Rarity-Spike clopfic. No, that analogy made no sense. Let's move on.
Your first two lines are the only ones I have a bit of issue with. You could phrase this better. Improve it. Judging from the title, we already know that the subject is "Flight 19,” you can work outwards from there and perhaps add just a tinge more about the characters. Or not. This is a mystery (I presume) and vagueness is your ally.
Also, beware high entropy words. Using "tale" twice in quick succession makes my inner reader twitch. It's not wrong, per se, but it's annoying to some.
Well, since you're offering...
1748632
Holy crap you are a genius.
Right, let's begin.
I’ll be a bit rougher with you, since you can take it like a man (hehe).
Your first line is long. As in, very long. Maybe cut it a bit shorter and toss in the governance information later in the description, or not at all. In fact, you could rewrite this and turn the return of the changeling into the first paragraph’s focal point.
After thirty years of relative peace, the changelings and their windbags returned. blah, blah, Stuff about all of Equestria being holed up in the Crystal Empire.
Of, and the line that goes “The forest is on the move” is awkward. Read it outloud, you’ll see what I mean. Most of the second bit’s gold.
Also, you ripping from AoT?
Alsox2, Wattpad is hella hard to get good at. The system can only be gamed a little and it's painstaking to grab any attention whatsoever.
1748641 Ewww, I didn't even notice that (using tale twice, I mean. Thanks for that). Also, what do you mean by improve the first two phrases? Can I get an example?
1748661
Examples cost extra....
...
Oh, fine!
1748655
Ah, this is nice and concise. Unless you plan on divulging more information, then keep this the way it is. Good work.
1748667 Seen.
How about:
1748626
Also don't use 'very' if you can help it.
1748659
Yes, yes I am ripping from AoT, though not as much as one of my other story descriptions. Like I said, I steal from the people who get paid to write 'em.
Oh, and I am aware of how hard it is. Luckily, I have a good chance of getting published for payment in other places, so I could use that to build a base, along with the tips on that one forum post about the tips and tricks. Because it is a game, and every game can be won. Thanks for the help!
1748683
For what reason should he not/avoid using the word 'very'?
Hmm... well this is the description to a fic I may publish, I don't know. Just wanted to hear you opinion on it.
1748715
It's a lazy word. In a description it's okay. But in normal prose, the word "very" usually replaces a point in the writing where you should Show rather than Tell.
The pony was very big.
Vs,
The pony towered above the rest.
1748682
Oh, not bad. Plus you introduce your main cast too. Nice.
Well, this story isn't pony related, but since you're offering.
1748731
Go over it again, slowly, reading it out loud if possible. You have the right idea, though it is a bit long. Try to correct some of your grammar here and there (you use the wrong words sometimes) and then come back. Bad grammar will make many turn away faster than a Trekkie meeting George Lucas.
Also, check your tense and person. You can only pick one, so stick to it.
1748757 Alright, I'll do that. Thanks.
1748744
Remus Crowe?
Really?
That's like calling your character Bassass McNinjaKiller. Not that it's a bad thing....
Okay, onto the actual thing!
You have some good things going for you here. Notably, there's a good story already presented and we know about the characters already. Brilliant so far.
Where you seem to have trouble is with the lenght of your sentences. Try reading them out loud without running out of breath. It's not the easiest thing. Find places to cut your sentences, and remember: one idea per sentence.
Keeping that in mind should help you improve a bit, I hope.
1748774
Maybe I should rename him. Maybe something along the lines of "Badass McNinjaKiller," I was thinking?
Ahh, isolating ideas, my only weakness!
And thanks for the advice. This is my first serious story, so it's going to be a long haul from here on out. Best to get off on the right foot.
1748742 Not bad, but it can be better?
1748828 Everything can be made to be better. I just don't know how.
Bring it, Raven.
1748996
WAit, it needs approval from the Redundancy Department of Redundant Redundancies Department [RDRRD].
Ooh, can you have a look at mine? I'd like to know what you think.
1749094
Yeah, you don't need my "quick fix" or anything. If I try I'd just be wasting time looking for really, really tiny details. Good work.
1749169
Wow, really? I thought it wasn't that great. Thanks!
1749030
How long will that be?
1748835 Touche. Thanks, mate.
Huh, that's a neat thing. I've got one that's been worrying me for quite a while now, an opinion would be appreciated:
This story isn't out yet, but I have the tentative long & short descriptions:
Short:
Long:
I'll let any of you take a gander at what it's about.
1750260 Huh, that's pretty cool. No, really, you have nothing to worry about.
1750568 Thanks. Now I can actually put that off my mind.
Not sure if you're still looking at summaries or not, but I figured it wouldn't hurt to give it a shot. The following is from a story I've already published, Legacy of the Pegasi. I never actually ran the summary by anyone for critique, which I'm sort of regretting now.
Though this has been the description since publication, I'm considering deleting the second paragraph altogether. It's bugged me for a while. It sounds awkward, and I think it probably delves into details that are better left to the story itself.
Any insight you have would be appreciated.
1773097
Can you rewrite it?
But keep it under 200 words.