There's Nothing Left To Say Now · 4:00am Jul 28th, 2013
I know I'm not very active on this site, but I need to get these thoughts out of my head. Forgive me for how angsty it is. I'm tired, and very upset right now.
I've made a few amazing friends from this community, but as of late, it's been more of a trigger for panic attacks than anything else. I'm putting this here instead of my Tumblr because it pertains to the MLP community specifically. A few people, or just one person? A specific group, or the general fandom? People on FiMFiction, or not? Personally, I know exactly which one it is, but I'll leave it vague for now. (tldr; Read the last paragraph)
I need to forget.
I can't keep this up. I feel sick. My stomach's in knots, my head hurts. I'm angry and afraid. I don't want to cry anymore, but the tears won't stop. The only thing running through my head is "How could you?" It feels like I'm drowning. They don't know it, but this is the most betrayed I've ever felt.
Being too scared to talk to you is literally the worst thing about this. I'm so afraid of what you'll say or do if I tell you what I'm actually thinking. I want to make you feel bad for what you've done, but I don't want to hurt you. But I want to yell and scream at you because of how much you're hurting me.
I can't do this anymore. Why couldn't you just listen when I talked? Why did it have to come to this? Posting passive-aggressive blogs isn't going to do anything for me, except make me look like an asshole, but what else can I do? They're ruthless. I'm so scared of what they'll say or do if they find out how, or even that, they've been inadvertently causing my panic attacks this week.
I feel anxious and alone. What's happening to me? Am I just going crazy? Has the world always been this fucked up? Am I only just realizing it now? I can't keep skirting around this. I need to breathe again, but this is suffocating me.
I need to remember.
Because remembering is the only way I'll be able to overcome the fear. Remembering may explain why this is affecting me so negatively. Remembering is painful, and bittersweet. And as much as I think I need to, I don't want to forget.
I give up. My hands are raised in surrender. Not the surrender you want though. I give up, but that doesn't mean I'm conforming to your beliefs. I thought I could save you from this, but I couldn't. So I'm giving up trying to save you from yourself.
I'm staying off of FiMFiction for a while. I'll be around to check messages for the next day or two, but after Tuesday, I'm leaving. For how long? I don't know. I have a lot of very personal, very difficult questions to answer and decisions to make in the next week or so. I'm going to end up depressed. I'm going to have a few more panic attacks. But I'd rather they be many in the next week, and then go away for a while, than to have to deal with them every day for the rest of my life.
So goodnight FiMFiction. I'll see you again.
Well... I have very little to say about this, honestly. I don't know you that well, let alone your past and your personal issues, although I wish we got to know each other more before this happened. Obviously, I do wish the best for you and hope that your future is brighter than the present, but I can't be sure of that. The future, by its very nature, is uncertain, unlike the past which is set in stone and the present which keeps on trudging through life. The internet is not a friendly place, but it can be if you look in all the right places. Talk to someone, express yourself, look for a solution, do whatever you think is vital to coming close to that one place that no soul can reach but every human wants to find. Peace. I'm sure you'll find it in time, and if you need someone to talk to, which I'm sure you do, you can talk to me along with other people who care about you. Like I said, I may not know you that well, but you have shown yourself to be a soul worth saving. No, not just that. A soul that deserves happiness and forgiveness and kindness and all the greatest qualities of mankind. I don't know how this will turn out for you, but I can guarantee you that you're not alone in this. And that is all I can say, really.
This post just SCREAMS "we need to talk."
I can't tell you anything other than get well, okay? If only for yourself.
I'm sorry if I sound like a dick, but if you are having this many panic attacks and problems in your life you might want to contact a therapist. They helped me get throught my own panic attacks and at the very least they are a person that you can vent to without it having any bad consequences.
Anyway, I hope things go better for you soon.
I wish you well, and look forward to your return. Good luck.