Leaving Tracks: Nine Years · 11:49am May 23rd
I'm a few days late. Happy ninth anniversary to "Inner Strength", and to the rebirth of my passion as an author.
I've talked before about how I had given up on writing by the time I wrote "Inner Strength", but it's been a while so new followers might not be aware. See, I had failed to find an audience with original fiction in the past, probably because I was a teenager writing some very teenage shit. And I did what "gifted kid" teenagers do when things get a little hard, and I gave the fuck up.
Eventually my mom talked me into writing again, and I tried to get an original story off the ground. Then I had the idea for a fanfic, and well, it did manage to get off the ground. I've been successful here, and I'm very thankful for that. Especially in light of continued readership when I haven't written anything in far too long. I regret that I haven't written much as of late...
Which brings me to the main point of this blog: Where has nine years gotten me? Not where I thought it would. I thought by now "Who We Become" would be finished. I also thought there were just a few slice of life stories leading into an epic war story. That's the secret, by the by. The changeling thing. I was gearing up for a war story way back in "Inner Strength". Regret that big time now, but I was coming in from having written original adventure fantasy stories, so that felt like a natural conclusion.
And I suppose that is something this past nine years has gotten me. I know what I like to write now. Really, the first five years of that nine years got me a lot. I went far in that time. I made progress rapidly, and then I just... didn't...
After writing "Thicker Than Water", by far the easiest story I've ever written, I've been pulling teeth on writing for four years. In the span of that time I've written two of my favorite novels, "Acts of Love" and "Tension Points", and two novels in four years is not bad at all! But both of those were actually in the first year of that span, or thereabouts a year, and I struggled greatly for the following three years. It seems I only struggle more and more with writing...
But I don't want to wallow. I want to be better. So I need to identify why I'm struggling. It's not enough to know that I am, I need to know why. I could blame it on ADHD. The fact is, I wrote damn near every novel I've ever written without medication for that. It's an excuse. I could blame it on the tiredness I've felt lately. That crept up in the past year, so what about all the time before that? Another excuse. Depression? "Looking Glass" was written amidst a mental breakdown that I have never recovered from, that's an excuse too. Sure, all these are factors. But the fact is I've lost my dedication writing.
So why have I lost that? I don't know. I didn't come into this blog with answers, and I ain't getting them from writing it. I'm not getting answers from y'all either. I'm talking to myself out loud because it may help shake something loose, though. Here's hoping.
I am currently on vacation in Virginia until early June. Then I have moving house in June and into July. This is not a good time for writing. But I will try to move towards doing something. As it happens, the person I am visiting is not available today, and while I've got some homework to catch up on, maybe I can write a little something as well. I'll try.
I need to finish "Just a Pony". I need to show myself I can still write novels, and get another one done to break this long streak of not having written anything significant in years. I need to stop playing so many damn videogames and focus more on writing... This has been the most important passion I have for nine years now. And I don't want to lose sight of it because it got too hard. I am not a gifted kid anymore, I'm not a teenager. I'm a depressed adult, as is the way with burned out gifted kids, but I've done this before. This ain't my first rodeo, it's time to get back on the horse (lol) and do some fucking writing.
I want "Just a Pony" completed and published ASAP. I want to finish my first ever original novel within a year. Those are my goals. Satan help me, this is going to be a hell of a ride...
I think every "gifted" kid feels this. There's something about being generally good at things that makes you want to back off when you find out something can actually be hard. Personally, I think it's winner's bias; so used to winning that the actual thought of losing is off-putting. Maybe we should call it Rainbowing.
Anyway, good luck with the long-term writer's block. I went through something very similar a few years ago, and I honestly couldn't tell you what pulled me out of it. I spent years trying to write things and not being enthusiastic about it, and yeah, I had a million excuses too. But then, about two years ago now, it all just... clicked for me again. I hate that I don't know why.
Maybe that's all there is to it; just keep trying until it clicks again.
Augh D: fucking gifted kid syndrome rears its ugly head once more
Oh man. 👀 I fucking knew it! And I still want it lol
But hey. ADHD and depression and low energy aren't excuses, they're all reasons, they're all related, and I swear to god if they go untreated or undiagnosed for long enough, they turn into huge goddamn obstacles to everything. :( In short, I sympathize. I'm hoping maybe I can bust out a stupid short story as I recover over the next couple weeks. Who knows, it could happen. Take time when you need it,, just don't give up again!
Sending you lots of virtual hugs!
Feeling burnt out is never fun >c<
I've been trying to continue writing my fics for an entire year, but I've not managed much beyond chipping away a couple paragraphs a month due to tiredness and countless distractions as well, so I sympathise with the difficulties of writing long fics.
I hope you manage to get out of this funk you're in. Life can be chaotic, and there can be a dense fog blinding the path towards your goals; but the answers you seek lay hiding beneath the fog.
Good Luck, and Cheers
Lemme know if you need any help! Whenever I get super stuck, I find writing with a friend tends to make things fun again, and helps things go more smoothly.
Jesus, I remember waiting for new chapters for Act of Love to drop.
Can’t believe that was four years ago and not eighteen months or something
Good luck getting WWB hope you hit those goals
Oh man, Gifted Kid Syndrome.
I feel your pain
I wish I had a solution. But everything I've ever written (everything good, anyway), I had to do by just clenching my teeth and continuing to push myself to write - and very often failing to make myself actually get any writing done - even when I didn't really want to.
Probably not a good solution in every case. But sometimes it gets me to the finish line. I just have to keep remembering that I have a reason to get to that line.