The End? · 1:54pm February 18th
So I've had some time to gather some thoughts after the release of the latest Deos ex Caellis chapter, and I suppose it may come as a bit of a shocker to you all, but I'm really just unsure if I want to continue down the whole "content creator" path.
I think all of us are, in a certain way, the same when it comes to this; when we are younger, we feel like we can take on the whole world, like we want to leave a mark upon it. Even if deep down we know it's not going to happen, we can't help instinctively feeling that way.
But the problem is... if anyone at all is in any way special in the first place, it most likely isn't either me or you. The chance of us making a mark and being known out there is simply mathematically insignificant. I don't want to discourage anyone from trying, for if nobody tried, there would be nothing of value in this world in the first place - but I do think all this is simply... not for me.
I've been indulging in art lately. And... you know, I feel like calling myself a "content creator", "artist" or even just "writer" is so incredibly overblown; I'm none of those things. I'm just a random gal who scribbles stuff down in haste every once in a while. If I've ever brought anyone entertainment - good, I'm very, very glad for that, but I just don't think I have much talent to begin with and I don't feel like pretending much longer.
I'm incredibly grateful for the hundred followers who, for one reason or another, have deemed it worthwhile to follow me. It's kind of insane to think that such number of people, even if impossibly small when compared to actual writing personalities here, decided that I was someone they wanted to give this little bit of recognition.
I also don't mention it often, but I struggle with several mental disorders which make it extraordinarily difficult for me to do stuff like content creation in any form; and... when I do release chapters, it simply doesn't give me enough satisfaction or any form or gratification anymore. It's not me being burnt out either; it's the complete inability to market myself and the lack of interest in my stories.
I know I've said numerous times in the past that I don't write for glory or fame, but rather for myself, because it simply feels fun to do. And it's true! But even if writing itself is fun, releasing a chapter to almost zero reader engagement at all tends to be heartbreaking anyway, and that is the feeling I wish to avoid in the future.
I don't want to blame you guys for anything, and please do not feel bad in any way. I know this is a struggle every creator needs to go through, but my point is, I just don't think it's for me. Does it make me weak-willed? Ill-spirited? Maybe, but that's just me. Besides, I don't know what I'll end up doing yet. Maybe I'll stay and keep writing. Maybe not.
I think this is it for now. Even if I do end up abandoning my stories, I'll be sure to post the remainder of the planned plot in one final chapter, and for now, I don't intend to leave my OSaGA lore group hanging at all. But that's, sadly, all I can guarantee for now.
Stay strong, and don't be like me,
-Lilia.
It takes a strong will to know when your in over your head and step back. It takes even stronger will to keep everyone informed of your decisions. Your not weak and even if you do decide to stop writing I will be here hopping you just might surprise use with a new chapter every once in a while or you give someone permission to continue the stories in your place. David Silver just posted he is willing to write with people maybe ask him for help or suggestions on this project.
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Perhaps I should've waited a bit more before announcing this decision; a week or two, maybe. That far from now is probably when I'll know what I plan on doing for more certain. Either way, I want to thank you immensely for being the one person who always says something and gives me all the motivation you can give me in the first place; that's invaluable.
As for what will happen if I do stop writing... well, maybe there will be an occassional update, like once a year or so, but I don't want to give any promises. Also, such chapters might well be shorter than my usual ones...
I would definitely be up for giving others permission to continue the stories though, if I see that they can do justice to what I've envisioned. Unfortunately, I don't know if anyone would be willing to do so at all.
I've contacted David Silver though. His services are pretty expensive for my income, but I might at least give it a try. If I do, that would mean an additional, kinda experimental, chapter for Deos ex Caellis might show up in 1-2 months. Thanks for the recommendation!
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Your welcome. Glad I could help even if it's very little. I have over 6 stories that update only once a year and that is just fine. Do what feels right for you and I will be happy.