November Update + Mental Health + My message to you · 8:34am Nov 17th, 2023
Hey y'all. Seems I missed a couple months, it's been... Hard. Figured I'd give a little update.
So, look. I'm gonna be real with ya. I don't think I'm going to have another chapter of QCC nor the project discussed previously before the end of the year. In fact, it may be awhile before I do anything here, there are just a lot of things that are demanding my attention; as much as I enjoy writing for the few of you that are still around, I don't do this for a living and there isn't enough of a demand or priority for me to keep doing this regularly. I've been on the verge of either putting the projects on hiatus or simply canceling them and just disappearing from the site. But I've decided I'm not going to do that... At least, not yet. I want to at least finish one project in my life, I want to see at least one thing through to the end. It just might take some time, but at this point I'm doing this for me.
I've been battling depression and some resurfacing suicidal thoughts over the course of the year. Between the general stresses of my job and financial situation, coupled with the loss of my beloved cat who has been my therapy animal and anchor, and my focus on education and building a career due to being sick of being an autistic high school dropout nearing, I just haven't had the desire to write or really do anything. The burnout and health pressure has been some of the most challenging I've ever experienced thus far in my life.
And at the end of this month, I'm hitting the big three-oh, which is when I'm supposed to stop dicking around and having my life sorted.
*sigh*
But, if you're reading this and you're concerned about me, don't worry. I'm seeking help for my depression, I'm seeking therapy and doing what I can to get my life back together. My family and support network are there. I'm going to be just fine. I have tried to killed myself many years ago, but I've made it this far thanks to the people I love in my life. I'll admit, I don't always take the time to show the appreciation I have, sometimes even go out of my way to scorn and drive away because deep down I'm embarrassed of the attention. I don't know why I'm like this, I guess my self-esteem is just so far in the gutter at this point that I don't feel like I'm worth the effort. But after reading a book recently, I've come to realize that's really just another form of narcissism, victimizing myself to make myself feel some what special, just another form of attention really.
If you care at all, I will recommend the book I read. It's called "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Better Life". I recently read this whole book and... Honestly, It's one of the best I've ever read. It's given me some major insight on how I view life and though it will be difficult, I believe the lessons are something I really needed to hear. I might read it again in the near future just to cement that knowledge.
So while I may be depressed, in debt, struggling to make something of myself, I have the courage to look at all those problems and say "who gives a fuck?" And you know what? That's honestly really liberating. I am responsible for everything that happens in my life, not in the sense that everything that's ever happened to me is my fault and I should take the blame for it, but rather I'm responsible for how I interpret those woes. I can control my perception of what happens to me, I can choose to view these struggles not as tragic misfortunes but as a challenge to overcome. It's a lot of responsibility on my shoulders, but it's the one thing I have full control over. I can choose who I view my life. And you know what, I want to write a story about surmounting the demons, not succumbing to them.
It's going to be a monumental task and I probably will fail many times along the way, but if I do fail... Is it really going to be any worse than where I am now? Probably not, and if by some bad luck it gets worse, who gives a fuck?
Much of what I read reminded me of a video by our beloved DWK (who goes by Absolute Unit now). I found this video some time ago, a ways after my other darkest moment, but it's one that I have always found myself coming back to, and will continue to come back to when I feel I need to put things into perspective. If you are going through some deep shit in your life, I implore you to watch it. You owe it to yourself and to those around you that you love to tell yourself the right story. "If death is so certain anyway, then what's the harm in trying to live a little longer. Worse case scenario you end up dead just like you wanted, but at best you might actually be happy".
If your running through life and you feel like you can't take another step, ask yourself "but what if I can?". Try and take another step, and then another step, and another, and before you know it, you've gone another mile or two. You can take it for one more day, I know you can. You're already at rock bottom, how far are you going to fall if you fail?
So that's how I look at my struggle. I still want to kill myself... But I'm not going to do it now, and with any hope I won't for many decades. Maybe I'll do it one day, but not today. I can keep moving forward because who gives a fuck about my feelings? Who gives a fuck about my pain? I'll tell you doesn't give a fuck: me. And in my opinion, saying that is extremely refreshing, because it means I can give a fuck about something more important than the misery, something like my family and friends, something like my future. It doesn't necessarily mean I'll come out of it in one piece, it just means I engage it with the same passion as I do with everything else. Write the sad chapters with the same conviction you would the happy chapters. Tell yourself the right story because your life is the story of you told by you and how you tell it to yourself is the difference between utter despair and great triumph.
I got a bit carried away with this post, wrote a lot more than I expected but you know what? No fucks given. I have beaten that feedback loop from hell. I write from the heart... Mostly because my head hurts too much. Anyway, while I'm sick and suffering from a very long time of mental stresses including Autism, I'm going to be okay. I'm angry and I have a lot of pent up emotional pain, but I'm not bitter because it's necessary. It's forced me to reevaluate my life and what it means to me. Examine who I am and who I want to be. I don't need to be some special "woe is me" kind of person who just uses his pain as an excuse to do less (even if I do so unintentionally), I feel like shit but who gives a fuck?
If you've made it this far, I want you to continue through life and consistently ask yourself why give a fuck. That's not some excuse to dismiss some random crap you don't wanna do, it's a legitimate question on why you should give a fuck about it in the first place. What does it lead to? Does it have a point? Does it have a purpose? Is it something worth giving a fuck about? If you can't find a reasonable answer to this question, all you have to do is just "not give a fuck". It really is that simple. It's just not very easy. But you'll manage. I believe in you.
Just keep moving forward.
In this November update, I want to address an essential yet often overlooked aspect of our well-being: mental health. Amidst the hustle and bustle of everyday life, it's crucial to prioritize our mental well-being. Remember, it's okay not to be okay sometimes. Reach out for support if you need it. And as we navigate through these challenging times, let's remember to extend kindness and compassion to ourselves and others. Visit https://medicalwholesalesupplies.com/ for resources and support. Take care, everyone.