A new thing - My first novel attempt · 1:42pm Sep 3rd, 2023
Hey everyone!
Once again, a blog out of the blue. For people who follow me, I apologize for the unusual activity... I know you don't expect blog posts from me. Heck, these days you probably don't even expect clopfics from me (sorry about that too, life has slowed my writing down a bit... and to be honest I tend to write a LOT of roleplaying experiences using AI Chatbots like ChatGPT, Claude, and Novel AI.)
Anyway... I am trying a new thing. A novel attempt... at a novel. (God, sorry for that pun, even I'm cringing).
At this point, I'm sure most of you are rolling your eyes. I'm sure many of your favorite pony-authors (...and probably quite a few more talented than I and who are doing actual, honest-to-god, non-erotic writing) have made similar announcements. Heck, even I've had a few abortive attempts to spin some 'novel' up only for it to peter out.
But I'm making an honest run at this one. I did my due diligence, writing in a whole new way where I actually planned out my plot, scenes, characters etc. BEFORE putting pen to paper.
And now I'm about three draft chapters into this novel (a little over 10,000 words), and looking to get some first-impressions.
I doubt there's any of you that are so interested in my writing you'd be willing to entertain a non-pony, non-erotic (for now, I plan to have SOME romantic scenes later on) piece of work from me... but just in case there are any... here.
https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/73615/iteration
...I can't tell you enough just how much it would mean to me to get ANY feedback on this story. Here, or there, or in Discord if you have me there or whatever, I just want to know if people are at all interested.
It reminds me of when I wrote my very first fic on this site, how unsure and unconfident I was before this lovely community embraced me.
But it's a new adventure, can't wait to see what comes next... good OR bad!
(PS, if you do leave any comments on Royal Road, I would appreciate if you DON'T mention this account, as I'm trying to keep that nom de plume separate :) )
And that's how we know that our pal Clop has been replaced by a pod person
. Or an AI 
.
But seriously, good luck with it. And if I can somehow, somewhere rustle up the attention span to spare, I'll take a look.
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I wish you luck.
Oh hey, good luck on the new project!
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It was a very weird experience, planning out writing when you've always done stream-of-consciousness. But I think it has helped a bit... it makes me feel a little bit less like the whole thing will never end when I'm writing out minute details, as I have some idea what I'm progressing toward.
I read both chapters, and I’ll give my honest reactions. There were parts I breezed through because it kept me intrigued, and others where I was left thinking of how I would write sections. From a novel standpoint, it seems a bit early to provide mystery after mystery so early on. We (the reader) barely have time to recover from the reincarnation bit that we’re presented with a secret magic organization? Seems a bit contrived at this stage.
I’d like to think that reincarnation is a stronger force than what’s presented. Allowing the protagonist to have perfect comprehension and self-awareness kinda makes being born again pointless. Maybe have the protag have hazy memories, or go through some sort of struggle(s) to regain his former mental skills.
The other cast so far seems alright, I just have some minor grievances. The parents are in their twenties, and he is their first kid, but they seem a bit “too” into their role. Maybe we haven’t been given enough time to flesh them out, but I think they’re a bit “tropey”. Also whether the servant is a reincarnation herself or not, her being as abrasive to him as she is seems out of place.
I think this story could benefit from writing from other perspectives. Maybe giving us a chapter as one of the parents or even a town member would help flush out the world more, and allow for easier to follow characters. Writing in place of the Tecka could help also, since I would imagine that giving so much emphasis on them “being able to see Janus’s soul” means that they can, and I would like to see what they do with this information.
All in all not a bad rough draft, a couple spelling errors or grammar mistakes for all of it. With some polish I can definitely see myself reading this down the line. Hopefully you’re passionate about it and are willing to put in the time. Eager for your response.
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Thanks!
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Hey this is great and exactly the kind of feedback I'm looking to get!
I was really glad to hear that you breezed through some sections because the writing was intriguing and hopefully straightforward. That was one of my goals for sure in writing so far. Easy to digest and read.
I'm surprised to hear that you felt the introduction of the Tecka was too quick! I had other feedback that asked for a hook to be set more quickly, which is why I went with that reveal in Chapter 2. Ultimately, the goal is to move Janus along toward the rising action portion of the story, which will be him in his young adulthood rebelling against the system of control that defines the world.
Absolutely I intend for his past-life to emerge piecemeal, and I want his past-life to be a detriment overall, not an advantage. The traumas he experienced will be a motivating factor but also a hindrance to him as character flaws. I have an arc planned where deeper truths about his background are revealed and are quite debilitating. There is no intent for me to 'lift the curtain' and have his memories all back in a flash. I was hoping that had already come through to an extent... things like his breakdown when his father pointed out his lack of social interaction to date.
I think that might be a fair point about the parents. One thing I really wanted to get to was the warmth and love of Janus's new parents. That would be a major source of character strength, and just also something I wanted to write in general. You may be right in that I should have a little bit more mistakes/youthful parental errors made by Rose and Elias. In the setting they are in, they are both mature adults, several years into their careers/lives.
Writing from a separate perspective is something I considered, though I know MPOV is kind of frowned on since everyone started doing it after Game of Thrones. It might be something I think about doing later... the idea of a Tecka POV is intriguing but unlikely.
I was very happy to hear you were interested in potentially reading more. I would love for someone to continue to bounce ideas off of.
Thanks for your comment!
Also, might want to let people know about the DARK MODE option at the bottom of the page.
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Thanks for the catch Shake!
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A lot of it is harder to evaluate this early on. It just seems like from a “novel” standpoint, things are moving a bit fast. Granted this is your first time doing this sort of thing and I shouldn’t expect a 1,000 page timeless classic, and I’m not sure of what your end goal story-length is.
Certain world-building bits felt out of place, of course that may just be my tastes. Also I guess I just want more of his body going to war with his mind. Having a mallet fall on your foot would make anyone yelp, just a kid would drag it out for 15 minutes due to their sensitivity.
As someone who is basically raising a little boy myself, I can certainly attest to their boundless innovation and curiosity. But his first word being “what” feels off to me, due to the bodies lack of mouth control at that age. I’d go with “huh” instead, as it requires very little movement.
I’m definitely willing to give my two-cents on your prose. If I had someone doing the same for me I’d have finished many stories by now, just out of commitment because I know someone enjoys my musings.
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That's awesome, really appreciate that. Might send you a PM tomorrow and share with you the story bible and link to the gdoc as I work through.
Remember on the little boy part... he's a man inside a little boy's brain. A mix of both.
I feel you with the 'at war with his own mind' bit. That will come, I just didn't want to do too much, too fast with the psychological trauma elements and make readers think it would be a drama/angst fest.
Having read through the first two chapters I feel that right now the first is the stronger one. It shows the first few thoughts of our protagonist without a true look into their past life. It also shows how he views the work around himself through a more technical viewpoint and is quite educated. Even a hint at a possible ski-hobby, cause only skiers would use ski tracks as a reference to neural pathways as far as I know.
The 6 months passing also feels fairly natural, showing how Janus is both kinda a child due to his physical body but not quite due tohis mental state.
The only off thing is the ending of the chapter I feel. Both because of the word choice which as already pointed out might be a little complex for a boy that young, and because the reader is informed of the ringworld at the start of the next chapter. Because it isn’t much of a secret just describing what Janus sees there (plus a ‘huuuh’ sound of surprise to show what he thinks) spares the need for explaining it later. It is a bit of an awkward start to the next chapter.
The time jump at the start of chapter 2 feels rather off. Mostly due to the first section that sees Janus think back on seeing that he is on a ring world… which shouldn’t rly be that on his mind after 5 years. At least not so actively when he isn’t actively looking at the sky. That intro to chapter 2 feels like something that would be from the first time he got his hands on a pen.
The large time skip also makes it seem like the story should have just started later then the birth. At least that is the best way I can think of describing it.
Maybe the best way to describe it is that it feels like chapter 2 is rushing to go somewhere? That is at least how it felt when reading it until the conversation between Janus and Elias, after that gets going it feels like it flows again… though there is something just a little off even there. Like Janus knowing the translation of the word saint. Something that doesn’t feel like a sufficiently common word for him to know yet. Then It clicked. He isn’t the only one acting older then it feels he should in the body of a child. Those around him also act older.
Like while the scene with Janus crying is just about perfect, the thing that set it off like having friends to invite to a party might not be quite so strange at age 5. It feels like Janus is physically 8 yet also younger during the conversation. The question about friends is just a bit too early. Though it might also be the time skip that makes it fell like those around him are now acting not quite right. The ending for the birthday though, that again was perfect. And that may have been what I felt everything was rushing towards.
I now notice I got a bit carried away writing all this. Though as a final thing I would advise looking up the first books of both MUSHOKU TENSEI and ascendance of a bookworm. They both feature great reincarnation stories. MUSHOKU TENSEI starts just before death and shows the main character as significantly flawed but with a shred of goodness the rest of the story is about building up. And ascendance of a bookworm starts when the one the main character reincarnates into is already 5. This skips the birth scene but the body is so sickly that much si left unknown to both reader and character. The first scenes are also a great example of how to write sentences where only half the words are understood by the main character. Signalling that they still need to learn bits and pieces but understand most of it from context clues. This book also showcases some great methods for switching between characters to fill in bits and pieces here and there with short stories after the epilogues.
I hope this all is a bit helpful cause I haven't rly written this kind of feedback before with what little non academic writing I have done outside of DnD. I also wrote much of this while reading the second chapter as I felt I'd otherwise miss something.
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I felt like I couldn’t quite put into words what felt off to me about Chapter 2, and thankfully you nailed it. It’s the time skip. Working the story around such an early jump, that felt like it was just there for convenience, made things feel tedious when already referencing callbacks to the previous chapter. I think a lot of the information in Chapter 1 should be sprinkled within 2, instead of a direct jump. Maybe something with flashbacks.
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Thank you very much for your feedback! Sorry it took so long for me to reply. I missed it originally.
Some parts of your comments were a little unclear to me, but I'll do my best to respond point by point.
This was incredibly helpful. Getting different perspectives actively shapes how I write the next chapters (and sometimes rewrites of existing chapters), and even how I think of the characters.
It's quite hard for a writer to read his own work with the eyes of a reader, so seeing where/how you absorbed the writing is key.