Forsaken

by Iron_Hooved

Author notes: Forsaken 2.0

Okay so it's been over eight months since my story got rejected by Equestria Daily. The review in question pointed out the following problems:

1) Overuse of onomatopoeia

2) Improper use of capitalization to emphasize dialogue.

3) Punctuation/capitalization errors.

4) Characterization: mainly Storm Chaser's.

5) Inconsistencies regarding plot devices in the first chapter, such as the Imperial Guard allowing Twilight to easily get away in the first chapter.

6) Improperly denoting numbers.

7) Massive walls of text and info-dumping. I was also asked to include another character in chapter two rather than have Silver Tongue go over a monologue.

Since then, I can confidently say that I've smoothed out most issues (mainly 1, 2, 3, 6, and 7), but the first eight chapters remain horribly written in comparison to the later ones. There are also some parts of the story that need revising such as Twilight's reunion with the others (as IraqLobstah pointed out it was lazy on the emotional part).

Later today I'll start working on chapter 24 and hopefully have it published tonight, but right afterward I would like to begin working out the aforementioned problems so that I can resubmit to EqD (mainly numbers 4 and 5). I also have some mixed feelings about General Hawk Eye, granted he's fairly new to the story but he just feels like the second coming of Storm Chaser.... Clean Shot has much more personality than either of the stallions.

I'll probably try and get all of this done within the next week and hopefully it won't set me back on my writing. As for the parts I've pointed out I'll try and re-characterize Storm Chaser into a much more believable villain, and work a bit on Hawk Eye as well to prevent them from overlapping. Any feedback and suggestion regarding either stallion are quite welcome.

Also, regarding the second half of issue number seven it's already obvious whom I'm going to include in chapter two, which means the first chapters will have to be accommodated to include her as well. Who am I referring to? Well Pinkie Pie of course!

...

Well, not really. It's actually this filly.

Pony Creator, why you no have more accessories????

Comments

[eskorpionvx22]

Good luck Iron!!! Forsaken is such a great story... You are gonna make it!!

[Iron_Hooved]

1389788 Neither. Motherfucker has aimbot, report please.

[Iron_Hooved]

1389860 More like friendzoned.

[TheAssumingMage]

Do I have to reread the first chapters now?

[Nagaina]

I like the story so far. 4, 5, 7, and maybe 1 also sound like a pre-reader on a power trip also.

[Csquared08]

Good luck, sir. I'd offer to give it a look over, but I'm not very reliable for that sort of thing. I get distracted easily and do other things instead. So, yeah, I don't want you depending on me for something like this. That would most likely end poorly for you.

[LightmanBrony]

195122
Don't feel so bad, in my story (still under construction) she goes through a lot worse... except for the guns. Mine doesn't have guns...
The most important rt is that it has (will have) a happy ending. If it all turn out all right in the end then everything is fine.

[LightmanBrony]

270113
Nothing more needs to be said...

[Lolsternater]

FUCK THE CRITICS! LET THE PUBLIC DECIDE!!!

[Marioland1]

1392293 Grammar bro Get that keboard worked on!