1. Combat
How Cloudsdale Came to Be
Chapter 1. Combat
by: MOAKStryker
Preread/Edited by: A lot of my buddies
Special thanks to Chessboard_Jack for helping A LOT with this story.
“Ever since the Pegasi were created, they could walk on clouds, and controlled the weather only for their race. They had no love for the unicorns or Earth ponies, and just let weather take its toll on them, while the areas that the pegasi occupied had clear weather every single second of every single day.
That is, until the day the other races invaded. The pegasi of Wingstead were having a hard time defending their city, and they were forced to flee.
“Commander Hurricane, my scouts have reported that the unicorns are flanking us from the east,” warned one of the lieutenants, named Speeding Blade. “We must be prepared to defend our walls.”
“Okay, Lieutenant. Gather your forces and defend the perimeter. We need all the strength we can muster against their amassed forces.” The Commander of the Pegasi was very distressed at the warning of her city being attacked. She sighed, as she equipped her armor and weaponry.
“ALL ABLE-BODIED PEGASI TO THE SQUARE! I REPEAT, ALL ABLE-BODIED PEGASI TO THE SQUARE!” came a cry from one of the higher-ranking officers in their militia. Everypony was prepared for the worst-case scenario, that the borders had fallen and the army had to fall back in a last defense.
Speeding Blade raced towards the town square, avoiding fleeing civilians on his way. When he arrived, however, the area was deserted, with not even a feather remaining. ‘Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me...’ he thought, feeling that everypony except him had fled the city. In reality, though, the whole city’s military force was flying high above the Commander’s residence, preparing for a dive-bomb attack. Blade flew up to the rest of his squad, falling silent.
The combined forces of the Unicorns and the Earth ponies was too much for the walled city to take. Soon, they had flooded into the streets, ransacking homes and businesses alike. In a matter of minutes, the entire city had been looted, homes and shops left barren, all the mares and foals had been evacuated. All of the Unicorns and Earth ponies converged on the town square, oblivious to the danger above them.
“ATTACK!” shouted the commander. She and her forces raced towards the ground at astonishing speeds, fast enough to shatter somepony’s spine if they weren’t careful. Speeding Blade barreled into a unicorn, immediately rendering him unable to fight for a few minutes at least.
Moments later, another fight broke out between Lt. Blade and an Earth pony named Fault Line. Blade wildly slashed at the Earth pony, his blades arcing and speeding towards the pony’s head, Fault easily dodged every strike with practiced precision. He then launched his own strike at the Pegasus, a powerful kick aimed at his neck. There was a loud crack, as Blade fell to the ground with a thud.
As he lay dying, Speeding Blade watched Fault Line briskly trot up to him. “Pathetic. You were nothing but a disgrace. I knew that the student always beats the mentor, but father, you were just... weak...”
“I... You... What? You’re my son?” I could swear I used protection...” The dying pegasus was extremely confused as to what was going on at the time. “This isn’t something I should hear as I lay here dying.”
Lieutenant Speeding Blade’s vision went dark as he finally succumbed to his wounds. His son was standing over the corpse, his face not even showing so much as a shred of emotion at the death of his father.
“Um... Commander? Commander Hurricane?” Private Pansy was attempting to tell her superior something, but her voice was drowned out by the sounds of battle. “Commander, Hurricane, um... Speeding Blade is dead.”
The commander of the Pegasus Empire had ignored her subordinate’s attempts to speak, and continued overlooking the battle, somehow not being targeted. She only responded when the private tapped her on the shoulder. “What do you want, Private?”
“Commander Hurricane, your lieutenant Speeding Blade has fallen. He’s lying there on-” The Pegasus was cut off by her commander rushing to the corpse of her most trusted advisor.
When Commander Hurricane got to the dead pony, she was trying to wake him up. Little did she know, though, that the pony was dead and his murderer was standing near the corpse. Without a second thought, Hurricane flew with the speed of a bullet towards the Earth pony named Fault Line. She extended her retractable hoofblades and rushed at the Earth pony, making several quick swipes, attempting to hit his vital areas but missing every time.
Commander Hurricane kept up her assault, attacking from many directions. She made low sweeping strikes, several fast jabs, and powerful downward slashes, all of them missing their mark by mere inches. Fault dodged each and every one of Hurricane’s attacks, his speed was becoming too much for the pegasus leader to handle. After only 3 minutes of fighting, Commander Hurricane was finally able to land a hit. She had aimed for the back of Fault Line’s neck, hoping to snap it, but her blade simply glanced off of the armour that the Earth pony was wearing.
She regained her focus, then initiated her second attack. This time, though, she aimed for an unprotected area, the front of his neck. With a direct jab, her blade hit its mark, puncturing the pony’s neck, severing his carotid artery and causing blood to squirt out uncontrollably. The fatally wounded Earth pony grabbed his neck as if he were choking. He hacked and sputtered, trying to form his last words, but he collapsed on the ground. The last sight he ever saw was that of an angry mare glaring down upon him with all of the hate of the Pegasi.
The commander of the Pegasi was relieved that she had just killed the pony that so brutally murdered her lieutenant. After she got over the slight euphoria of killing a hated enemy, she looked around the old city. The battle had ended, with minimal losses to the Pegasi. The commander returned to her army, which suffered the loss of 100 militia and 15 civilians.
She gave a short speech to all the citizens of Wingstead about the battle that the city had just witnessed.
“Everypony, I have good news, bad news, and worse news. Good news, we just survived an ambush by the combined forces of the Earth ponies and the Unicorns, and we only lost 100 ponies to their 1,000. Bad news, my second in command, Lieutenant Speeding Blade, died on the battlefield today. He will be remembered fondly. Worse news, the city is destroyed. We have to either rebuild this city and risk another attack, or relocate to the sky where we’ll be safe to plan out an attack to cripple the enemy. What do you all say?”
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Oh mah
History lessons
History gets me hard
2590889
Congrats...? Hope you liked the first chapter!
2590898 Oh don't worry, I will...
2590908
I hope you don't mean what I think you mean...
2590924
2590972
This is getting awkward.
I hate this.Hold on, let me look for a fuck to give. *looks around* Nope, sorry. Nothing.2591004
2591033
You're just...
an idiotrandom/awesome And a little bit crazy.Looking good, but I have to say.
This isn't a one-shot if it has more than one chapter.
2594805
It would take me too long to complete. I decided to split it up and... yeah, I guess you're right.
It feels like you're caught between trying to make this a history lesson and a story following commander hurricane and her army. Combining the two seems to have yielded a confusing mess.
The history part begins, but it's cut up by sudden dialogue, which would've been fine if you gave the all the backstory of the history, then went into the story, but you didn't. The dialogue needs some sort of transition into it, otherwise it's just jarring for the reader.
Then you get into the story, and just when a scene starts to come together, you go back to overview history, or it's just a really rushed scne description.
The story itself seemed really rushed too. Speeding blade came out of no where, and you killed him just as fast. Then you introduced this unnecessary side plot that it's his son. While character building over the course of a whole chapter would've made this an emotional and sudden experience, his sudden introduction and death leave me not really caring about it too much.
Some of the scenes aren't very well put together either. For example, the fight between fault line and hurricane. Instead of an epic battle, I just got the image of her slapping at him for three minutes hoping to hit something, and him just kind of leaning back. Some things you should leave to the imagination, but the reader needs at least a little more description to really put it together.
Overall, you need to seperate the history aspect and story, instead of going back and forth. Put the history to build the backstory in the beginning, then go into the story after that and leave out the anything that isn't in that specific moment. And flesh out the scenes too, I didn't get the feeling that a battle was really going on, just those four ponies.
But otherwise, this is a good idea, and if written properly could be a really good fic.
2600102
And this is why I'm horrible.
2600426
Oh, dont be like that. I'm just pointing out what I think needs improvement. Your fic isn't condemned, it just needs work. I'm just trying to help you make it better. You did put the story in the "stories that want feedback" folder after all. I don't want to belittle your ability, I just want to help.
I like it.
It's like a History Channel Documentary, where they have the actors play out major historical figures.