• Member Since 14th Jan, 2013
  • offline last seen Nov 22nd, 2018

The Accursed One


>tfw you realise you're a generic white girl

T

Wingstead, the capital city of the pegasus empire, gets attacked by a combined force of the other two races. Long story short, the city is in ruins and there's no other choice but to move to the sky. What happens next, you ask? Read on to find out.

Chapters (3)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 16 )

Oh mah
History lessons
History gets me hard :heart:

2590889
Congrats...? Hope you liked the first chapter!

2590898 Oh don't worry, I will...

2590908
I hope you don't mean what I think you mean...

2590972
:rainbowderp: This is getting awkward.
I hate this. Hold on, let me look for a fuck to give. *looks around* Nope, sorry. Nothing.

2591033
You're just... an idiot random/awesome And a little bit crazy. :pinkiecrazy:

Looking good, but I have to say.

This isn't a one-shot if it has more than one chapter. :twilightsmile:

2594805
It would take me too long to complete. I decided to split it up and... yeah, I guess you're right.

It feels like you're caught between trying to make this a history lesson and a story following commander hurricane and her army. Combining the two seems to have yielded a confusing mess.

The history part begins, but it's cut up by sudden dialogue, which would've been fine if you gave the all the backstory of the history, then went into the story, but you didn't. The dialogue needs some sort of transition into it, otherwise it's just jarring for the reader.

Then you get into the story, and just when a scene starts to come together, you go back to overview history, or it's just a really rushed scne description.

The story itself seemed really rushed too. Speeding blade came out of no where, and you killed him just as fast. Then you introduced this unnecessary side plot that it's his son. While character building over the course of a whole chapter would've made this an emotional and sudden experience, his sudden introduction and death leave me not really caring about it too much.

Some of the scenes aren't very well put together either. For example, the fight between fault line and hurricane. Instead of an epic battle, I just got the image of her slapping at him for three minutes hoping to hit something, and him just kind of leaning back. Some things you should leave to the imagination, but the reader needs at least a little more description to really put it together.

Overall, you need to seperate the history aspect and story, instead of going back and forth. Put the history to build the backstory in the beginning, then go into the story after that and leave out the anything that isn't in that specific moment. And flesh out the scenes too, I didn't get the feeling that a battle was really going on, just those four ponies.

But otherwise, this is a good idea, and if written properly could be a really good fic.

2600102
And this is why I'm horrible.

2600426

Oh, dont be like that. I'm just pointing out what I think needs improvement. Your fic isn't condemned, it just needs work. I'm just trying to help you make it better. You did put the story in the "stories that want feedback" folder after all. I don't want to belittle your ability, I just want to help.

I like it.

It's like a History Channel Documentary, where they have the actors play out major historical figures.

2600102
Hey, you know what? After the story's done, I might rewrite the first chapter. Get it up to date with my style, y'know?

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!