The Unwilling Command

by KGBCowgirl

Murphy's Law

The original coining of the term "Murphy's Law" took place in 1949 when a technician infuriated his supervisor, Air Force Captain Edward Murphy, after which Murphy said, in reference to one of the technicians on his team, "If there's more than one way to do a job, and one of those ways will result in disaster, then he will do it that way." This unfortunate trait has passed down through the Air Force, leading to many silly rules the were created as a result of Airmen doing one or more things that break their equipment, themselves, or other people. That luck seemed to have passed to me in the last year.

I mention such a development due to the fact that in the last two days I had nearly been shot, almost got raped by a woman that I found out was from a completely different dimension, stared down a deified figure from said dimension, been drugged with a pill that sent me into a minor seizure and apparently severed my connection with Earth's leylines in an attempt to unlock my "magic potential", and finally had to fend off a teenager that threatened to stab me.

If something can go wrong, it will.

---

I'd sat down outside the changing rooms and tried to take a nap. The employees had several objections to that particular choice. I'd already bought my new glasses, so my red-tinted glare sent most sales associates and a manager away. When the security personnel came by. I told them that I was "waiting for my girlfriend's mother and sister to hurry the hell up." This ceased any further annoyances, which allowed me to get about an hour of shut-eye before Vinyl tracked me down.

"Hey! Wake up!" She said, poking my cheek. I lightly swatted her hand away and tried to return to my nap until I felt her magic lift my glasses off. The searing light from the fluorescent lamps burned through my eyelids. I groaned and covered my face with a hand before feeling Vinyl pull on the limb to force me to stand up. "Come on, get up." She said as I was lifted to my feet. I glowered at her before snatching my glasses out of the air and putting them back on.

"Octavia and Celestia aren't done yet, though..." I groaned when I stretched. I looked around to see Celestia walking toward the changing rooms with the scariest stack of clothing I'd ever seen. I'm only slightly above average height, but her findings towered above my head. I swear that I felt my wallet trying to claw its way out of my pocket. I started panicking when I saw Octavia appear with an equally large stack. "Madre degli dei..." I quietly cried. "I need to limit them to only a few outfits..."

Vinyl looked over to see what I was looking at, and I hoped that she wouldn't get the same idea. That hope was in vain when she let out a girlish squeal and disappeared into the Pacific View Mall.

---

I didn't realize that I was looking at the inside of my wallet in misery until Vinyl nudged me with her hip. I was shaken from my stupor and wished that I had been left to sulk when I noticed that I was about to fulfill my other duty as unofficial boyfriend.

"Here you go!" Vinyl chirped happily. I silently took the bags from Vinyl. She managed to get more clothes than Celestia and Octavia combined. The former had settled for a few outfits similar to the latter. Vinyl, however, had made her way to Hot Topic again. I cursed in Russian when I felt just how heavy the bags were. I wondered how she'd paid for this when I remembered that she was a DJ in a club near Los Angeles. There was no way she would want for money.

I continued to curse my misfortune while Vinyl held onto my arm. I was beginning to think that she was getting a little bit too into the "girlfriend" role. I looked over to her and could see her blush, even through my red glasses. Then that smell reached my nose again, and I made the connection. My senses had been enhanced by that drug that Celestia had slipped me, to the point that I could now consciously smell Vinyl's pheromones. I blushed when I made this realization, leaning a bit against Vinyl. I could see her blush intensify, but she didn't move away. We sat like that while waiting for Celestia and Octavia to come out of the store.

---

When they did, I looked over Celestia's new outfit. It consisted of an outfit similar to Octavia's old clothes, but she had somehow found a pair of pink capri pants instead of slacks and she'd donned a tanktop shirt. Octavia had switched her style a bit more drastically, opting for something similar to Vinyl's own outfit, albeit with much less exposed cleavage. Both women looked like they were ready to leave, so I stretched a little bit.

I tried to stand, only to find my arm in a vice-like grip. I looked down to see Vinyl sleeping on the bench we'd sat down at outside the store. I chuckled as I sat back down, poking Vinyl on the cheek to wake her up. Instead of waking up, however, she decided to tighten her grip. I sighed before putting my free arm under her legs and carried her bridal style to the car. I nodded to the people who were pointing at me and mumbling to each other when they saw me carrying Vinyl. By the time we were halfway to the car, Vinyl had moved her grip from my arm to my neck, nuzzling into my chest as I walked.

"Is she...?" Octavia began.

"Sleeping." I replied. "She seems to think I make an excellent sleeping surface. You may have to drive if we can't get her off my neck." Octavia's eyes widened in fear at the prospect of driving my demon car. "Unless you want to wake the nocturnal magic-wielding DJ up?" I asked, raising an eyebrow. I received a wide-eyed stare and rapid shaking of Octavia's head in response. I dug the digital key from my pocket and handed it to Octavia, smiling apologetically before getting into the car. I had to position Vinyl in such a way that she wouldn't accidentally break my neck if she tightened her grip again, which resulted in me being forced to strap her into the middle seat. I once again tried to pry her loose, to no avail. I then had a bright idea. I turned my head so that I was facing Vinyl, less than an inch from her face. I choked down my ideas while slowly slipping my neck from her grasp. I was carefully to not let anything get within her reach. I then felt a tugging on my trench coat.

Vinyl had woken up halfway, just enough to grasp the middle of my coat. I shrugged off the coat and removed my pistol from the holster before letting Vinyl take possession of my only cold weather clothing. I sighed in relief when I didn't feel any further pulling on my body. I gave the thumbs-up to Octavia, who gratefully handed me the key before scrambling to sit next to Vinyl in the back. I looked in to see Celestia cheerfully seated shotgun, obviously not remembering her latest experience with my driving. I sat down in the drivers seat and closed the door.

"Everyone is here then?" Celestia asked with a smile on her face, which bothered me more than a little bit. I nodded slowly, hoping she wasn't planning anything drastic. Fate just likes to kick me between the legs sometimes, since I saw Celestia's aura through my glasses, indicating her use of magic. "Good!" She said happily.

To anyone who wishes to try teleportation, you're a crazy fool. The concept of teleportation relies on at least partially being in two places at once for a split second. This usually results in a similar lurching feeling to that which one gets when they are bungee jumping and they hit the bottom of their fall. Take that feeling and multiply that by ten for every hundred feet, and you have teleportation. You have that math down? Now take that and consider the fact that I had just experienced my first instance of teleportation over a distance of nearly sixty miles.

As soon as we appeared in front of the club, I jumped out of the car, found the nearest trash can, and vomited for a good five minutes. Even after that, I was so dizzy that I couldn't see anything straight, my body felt like it had been put through a garbage compactor then rapidly decompressed in the blink of an eye. On top of that, even my aura sight still had minor afterimages from Ventura. Basically, I had just been severely abused physically by my first true exposure to magic. In between my heaving I was spewing curses in Russian, Italian, and English. Even my worst bike crashes hadn't messed me up this much.

I felt a hand on my back and looked to see Celestia smirking at me. "One does not get into a prank war with the Equestrian Princess of the Sun, Maximus Cross." She smiled sweetly after those words and walked inside, bags in hand, while I continued to suffer through my sickness.

---

When I recovered, I returned to the car to carry Vinyl into the club. She released my coat and wrapped her arms around my neck as I unbuckled her seat belt. I lifted her out of the car and used my foot to close the door when I walked away. I still felt sick from the teleportation, but pushed down the bile in my throat when I reached the door. However, I didn't calculate how do open the door. Since I couldn't use the so-called "magic" that Celestia's evil little pill had supposedly unlocked. I then tried putting one leg up against the wall to support Vinyl was I reached for the handle, only to be just short of my mark. I put my arm back under Vinyl's legs and sighed dejectedly.

At that moment, Octavia walked outside, presumably to check on me. I looked at her miserably while I stood in front of her, holding Vinyl's sleeping form. "Can I carry her in now?" I asked pitifully, giving her a begging look. She smiled apologetically and silently gestured for me to walk inside. As I passed the bar, I saw that it was a few hours from opening time for Club PON3. I started to panic, wondering if Vinyl would wake up in time. I knew that Octavia had no experience with the DJ position, and Celestia would be even less help.

When my thoughts turned to the Princess, I looked around, trying to spot her. She was nowhere to be found. I set Vinyl down on the couch in the manager's office, somehow managing to loose her arms from around my neck. She shifted a bit in her sleep, obviously uncomfortable, and I felt bad just leaving her there. However, I had to try to find the Princess and interrogate her further on the situation.

I wandered around the club, searching every single space possible for Celestia. When my search proved fruitless, I groaned in exasperation until I spotted Octavia looking at me in confusion. I walked over to her, rubbing my temples to soothe the growing headache I'd developed. "Where's Princess Celestia?" I sighed, exasperation lacing my voice.

Octavia's eyes widened. "She left some time ago." She said. "I believe she said that her next destination was some place called "San Antonio", which she also said you would be familiar with." I groaned as I heard the name of the Earthly incarnation of the Seventh Circle of Hell. I hated the city of my birth almost as much as I hated the colder states in the Northern US. "I take it that you aren't particularly fond of it, then?" Octavia asked, backing away from me a bit.

"I spent two months there getting yelled at by a bunch of overly enthusiastic gym teachers that the Air Force likes to call Military Training Instructors." I grumbled in irritation. "I also spent those two months baking in the hottest summer in recorded Texas history. So, no, I don't really appreciate that city."

Octavia crossed her arms and I saw her look over to the clock, just as I had when I brought Vinyl inside. The same panic lit up her purple eyes. "HOW WILL WE WAKE UP VINYL?!" She screamed at a deafening volume. "Oh, dear. if she doesn't wake up, what will we do?"

I chose that moment to forget what Vinyl had told me about the alcohol, pulled out the Everclear, and poured a tall shot of the liquid. I tossed back the shot, feeling the usual discomforting sensation from the nearly pure ethyl alcohol burning my throat. I followed it with a can of Monster before walking to the DJ station. "I have a job to do, regardless, Miss Octavia. I'll get the stage set and the speakers wired while you wake up our sleeping musician." I got to work with my solo diagnostics, performing a mass sound check with an Excision track from my iPod. When the bass "test" started up, I could feel the vibration through my hands, grinning like an idiot. I raised the volume after the initial section and brought the subs up to about thirty percent capacity from their usual ten. If the death by bass didn't wake Vinyl up, I had only one more idea, but didn't want to use it in a public facility and potentially destroy the speakers. After about fifteen minutes and no sign of Vinyl, I paused the track and walked back to the manager's office, only to find Octavia still attempting to wake her friend up, and Vinyl still sleeping with a cheesy grin on her face.

I narrowed my eyes and picked her up, slinging the DJ over my shoulder. I walked out to the main floor, dragged one of the chairs out to face directly towards the entire main speaker system. I propped Vinyl up in the chair, making sure she wouldn't move when I released her. Satisfied with my work, I walked back up to the station, and noticed for the first time a REALLY BIG red button, which was labelled "Wake-up." I wondered exactly what it went to, so I opened up the access panel to the console and saw that the button was hard wired to the entire bass range with a capacitor for each of the speakers on the outgoing wires, and a separate power supply for the button itself that was hooked up to a set of wiring that I couldn't trace.

I closed the panel and looked over the top of the console. Vinyl was still out cold, so I figured I could break new tech rule number one: never push the red button. I yelled at Vinyl one last time, received no response, and sighed before donning the soundproofed headphones. I muttered a quick plea for forgiveness to the gods and slammed my palm into the button. I heard a series of whirring noises, even through the headphones, and couldn't help but look down. I gaped upon seeing a genuine Bass Cannon powering up, the blue glow scaring me a bit.

"Now I am become bass, destroyer of hearing..." I whispered, not hearing my own voice when the music started, I watched as Vinyl was sent sliding back and her glasses were blown off her face with the concussive force. Her red eyes snapped open just before she flew over the back of the nearest couch. I pushed the button again, powering down the system. I removed the headphones and rushed down to make sure Vinyl was alive.

Remember how I mentioned Murphy's Law? At the moment that I caught sight of Vinyl, the "legalized moonshine" I'd consumed took effect. I don't know if it was the combination of the energy drink in my system and my overall adrenaline, or if it was sheer dumb luck, but my inebriation chose that moment to commence in full force. I fell over into a compromising position on top of the DJ, my face stopping less than an inch away from her own. I blushed deeply, cursing my luck, but at the same time catching a whiff of her hair, which still smelled like berries. I tried to make my own limbs respond, but my arms were locked and Vinyl seemed to lack any inclination to remove herself from under me.

We stared at each other for a few seconds, me in embarrassment, and her in apparent comfort. She chose then to lean upwards to kiss me, not failing to take advantage of my current state. We stayed there for a few minutes, her tongue attempting to demand entry into my mouth, which I stubbornly refused. Even while in a severe state of inebriation, I was in possession of the mood-killing knowledge that the club would need to be ready to open in less than an hour. I stole a glance at my watch, which was surprisingly visible past the veil of Vinyl's wild hair. It read as half past eight, and the rest of the staff had arrived during our shenanigans on the floor. I managed to force myself away from Vinyl, receiving a disappointed look from the DJ until I turned my wrist to show the time. Her own eyes widened, and she moved to get up while I stumbled a bit, trying to find out why gravity had decided to make me its bitch.

"How long was I out, Bass Drop?" She asked, holding onto my shoulders to stabilize me while I wavered dangerously, unable to stand up straight for more than a few seconds. I felt my ability to stand fail me as I dropped to the ground. "Oh, no..." She muttered, facepalming as she looking at the giddy grin that had somehow plastered itself onto my face. "You didn't listen to me, did you? What did you drink?"

I tried to make my speech center cooperate, I really did. But my constitution for alcohol had basically taken a vacation. What was supposed to come out as "Everclear" ended up sounding more like "Mega queer", but with a lot more slurring. The perplexed look I received only further reiterated the stupidity of my decision. I tried to speak again, with about the same level of success. "Va botto wif nahndy pasent alkamahol." Holy hell, was I drunk. I tried standing again, but gravity had other plans, since I went from almost standing to face-planting straight into Vinyl's chest. My oxygen supply was of no consequence since I felt Vinyl's magic lift me into the air and carry me to the manager's office. Yeah, Murphy hated me today...

As soon as I made contact with the couch, I blacked out.