> The Unwilling Command
>  by KGBCowgirl
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> Prologue
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	“You have no place here, freak!"

"We don't serve your kind here!"

"Abomination!"

The multitude of insults thrown my way since the Exodus event have been unimaginative and irritating at best. But I suppose you're here to listen to the story about the Invasion, huh? I'll tell you now that it is far from pretty, romantic, or glorious. It almost broke me dozens of times, but we're obviously here talking about it, so I suppose I should give you a bit of a background on myself.

As I discovered during the Invasion, I am not, nor have I ever been, completely human. I'm sure you heard the stories of how humans who interacted with our new kin "lost" their humanity. I'm going to say now that we never lost it since we never had it. Following that, I must also take note of the fact that our new kin did not come from this world. That much is obvious. However, they are also not from this time.

Sun Buns will tell you differently, but she and the others are from over 100 thousand years in the past. The name for my kind was never settled on, so we simply call ourselves Hybrids. We are the sapient equivalent of a Terran mule. Neither human nor Equestrian. The things we can do set us apart from both species, yet also allow us to be the bridge between both. I could try to elaborate beyond that, but you'll hear the story and I'm sure you'll figure out the details for yourself.

To call us freaks is not far from the truth, but to call us abominations is more than inaccurate. This raises my final point.
Were it that we were here to conquer the human race, they wouldn't have a chance. But, unlike them, Hybrids are not prone to war. We want our place in the world is all.

Now, I'm sure you're becoming impatient, Ms. Pratt, so I'll get started. My name is Maximus Cross, and this is my story...
> Meet Maximus Cross... (Rewrite)
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	Fate is a funny thing. It is cited as the driving force behind the most impossible turn of events for either an individual or a nation. It will either make or break the greatest of men, lead to the inevitable change that in turn sets in motion a colossal chain of events that can never be explained. Despite these observations, facts can be boiled down to the simplest of explanations. The first and foremost of which is that many things can never be truly understood. The second of which is equally important.

The universe is sadistic and has a funny way of changing the rules.

Believe it or not, I wasn't always in charge of our ragtag little band of misfits. For a number of years, I was jumping from job to job, trying to find my place in the world. It wasn't really working out so well until the first time I got my hands on a soundboard. I felt right at home keeping the balance between the ranges. It kept me from thinking about anything aside from my job. Mind you, I still didn't feel quite right, but I ignored that feeling for a long time.

The night this all began was a chance to revisit someone from my past, but I'll tell you about my last regular gig...





The music thundered inside the moderately sized venue, making my chest vibrate. I faced the control surface in front of me, my hands racing across its surface as I kept one instrument from overriding the other. This was the life of a sound technician. I maintained my position, even as the manager of the band yelled at me. Ignoring Mikael Strauss took a special kind of patience, in that he had a nasty habit of becoming physical when he felt like he was being ignored. Even now, I had to keep from grabbing the hand he was using to jab me in the shoulder and break it.

"Are you listening to me?" He hollered. "I told you to quit keeping my star from being outshined by that stupid singer!"

Yeah, he was an ass.

"Mr. Strauss, I already told you the last eight times, if I let Johnny shine like you want him to, this whole gig is going down the drain." My patience was wearing thin, but I kept my cool as I did my best to keep the overweight man from doing something he would regret. "If you don't let me do my job, you'll lose money, fans, and most importantly, I'll walk out the door and take my gear with me."

I wish I could take out my phone and catch pictures of all the instances that Mikael's face turned red with frustration. It was like looking at a fat tomato about to burst.

Actually, a tomato had nothing on him at that point. Frankly, it amazed me that he could turn that shade of purple and not have an aneurysm.

"Have you forgotten that I paid for your services, boy?"

Of course, he ignored that I was almost 21. To call me a boy was mildly irritating. Once again, however, I maintained my composure as the set finished. I was ready to leave and reached to shut down the program on my laptop when Mikael's own hand stopped me.

"You don't stop until I tell you, freak."

Now there's a word I hadn't heard in some time. You see, my eyes were and still are a shocking shade of blue with central heterochromia. The yellow rings around my pupils lent an air of exoticism, especially when coupled with my temporarily bleached hair. I stood at a respectable 6'2" and was still growing. My hair, naturally dirty blonde, reached past my shoulders and tied back in a rogue's knot, when coupled with my Scandinavian heritage, made me look like a Viking. I prided myself in my habit of maintaining my physical conditioning, so I bore quite an intimidating air.

That said, I'm quite polite to anyone who meets me. Unless, of course, they're like Mikael. When he grabbed my hand, I reached over and wrenched it away from my equipment. His yelp of pain did nothing to alleviate his position. I shoved him away and quickly closed my laptop, unplugged my equipment, and put everything in my bag.

"Try that again, Mikael. I dare you." I growled menacingly as I stared at him, my eyes projecting nothing less than unadulterated rage. When I did this, though, I caught sight of the handle of a revolver inside Mikael's coat. He reached for the weapon, drew it, and pointed it at me. At this, I stopped, maintaining my stare.

"Not so big now, huh, freak?" The smug look Mikael bore drove me over the edge. "Now, you're going to put your setup back together and..."

He had no chance to complete his sentence as I lunged towards him, smacking the weapon out of his hand. My left hand grabbed his throat and my right reached back to pull my hidden combat knife from its sheath. I pressed the blade against his throat, keeping my glare focused on him.

"I'm not staying here, fat man." I snapped, keeping my weight on his arm so he couldn't reach for the revolver again. The hammer wasn't cocked, so it was still somewhat safe. "I'm also not wasting my innocence on you. I've never drawn blood in anger, and I won't do so now." I brought my right leg back and slammed it into Mikael's nether regions with as much force as I could muster. He could do no more than squeak in pain and lay there as I stood and grabbed my bag. "Arrivederci a buona fortuna, stronzo.

I stormed out the back door to hear shouting and screaming. Apparently the gun had flown out a window and discharged without me seeing it. I ignored the crowd and made my way to my car, a violet and red Mitsubishi Lancer Evolution XIV. I popped the trunk and put my bag in the back, pulling out my laptop in the process.

I shut the trunk before walking to the driver's side door and getting in. I opened my laptop and pulled several cables from under the radio to open up my satellite uplink that was routed through a modified Sirius XM system. As it loaded, I turned the car on, hearing the satisfying rumble of the engine.

"Cross! I just got a call from Mikael Strauss!" A voice said through the speakers before the video link opened to show my boss, Luke, rubbing his temples from exasperation. "I thought I told you to play nice!"

"Boss, I played nice, but Mikael violated the terms of the contract by trying to tell me how to do my job." I popped open a NoS Energy as I spoke. "If he says otherwise, it's only to cover his own ass."

Luke sighed when I finished. "He's still mad, you know. There's a chance he'll come after you. We both know he's a piece of work." I saw him shuffle some papers around before he pulled out a newer looking folder. "Got another one for you, by the way. Looks like a nightclub."

I groaned. "Are you fucking serious? You know how much I hate working at clubs. There's only one you were ever supposed to give me, and it's..."

"Cross. It's that club."

"...I'm listening."





I pulled up to the club and waited for a bit. Then I pulled out my phone and called the number supplied to contact the owner. She answered with a voice I had come to miss, despite hearing it only once before. Somehow, I felt that I knew this woman, but I couldn't figure out from where.

"Yeah, this is the techie from Main Track you requested. I'm right outside. You want me to bring my gear in?" Straight to business, as usual. That's always been my style.
> Back Tracking
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	I waited in the car for a short while, thinking back to the last time I'd been to Club PON3





I had been unemployed for a few months and had decided to visit with some family in a city where I could blow off some steam. Unfortunately, they didn't have enough room to accommodate me, but I was fortunate enough to meet up with a man who owned a sound technician contractor company called Main Track Audio. I eventually got a job from him, initially as a warehouse worker, but I was transferred to a tech assistant position a few months later when he caught me trying to help one of the company's techies plan out a configuration for a show in Beverly Hills. After a brief argument and a few choice explanations, he had remained silent for several minutes before telling me to go with the techie on the job, "just in case he needs help," as my boss, Luke, put it.

For the next several weeks, I was assigned to various technicians as an assistant. The venues ranged from simple high school dances to full blown concerts for rising bands. Late October rolled around, and I was looking forward to Samhain, or, as everyone else called it, Halloween. I'm a believer of a very old variation of what could be called a Welsh pagan religion. Everyone at MTA called me a druid, though I tried to stop them by explaining a bunch of useless information about genuine druids and their historical significance. I gave up after the first week when Luke told me that it was really meant to be the easiest way to find out who someone was looking for. Thus my title became "the Druid" in our company. I was in a bit of a state of confusion this evening, however. I guess that more explanation would be in order at this moment.

During my little ordeal before I found work, I had finally succumbed to peer pressure and started watching My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic on YouTube. I went through a brief phase of denial before going through every episode that I could find over the course of a few days. I couldn't explain why, but my favorite character of the entire series was a nameless background pony that had appeared Season 1 Episode 14. I did a little research and noticed that she, as I found out that the DJ pony was in fact female, like almost every other character in the show, had been named by the fandom as DJ PON3, or, less commonly, Vinyl Scratch. I thought that the technology of the MLP-verse was no farther than steam-powered devices, but quickly ignored my wandering thoughts.

I shook my head, focusing on my current job. My friend, Enrique, had asked for me to come along to a new club that had opened in Burbank, well outside our usual service area. According to Luke, however, they were paying extra for our services. Ricky and I were on the 101 heading to Burbank when I finally asked him a question.

"Where the hell are we going anyway?" I bluntly said.

Ricky laughed a little before responding. "You might get a kick out of this, brony boy," I narrowed my eyes at him with that comment. "Apparently this place is called, get this, Club PON3. Just like your little fictional girlfriend..." He nudged my side over this, which I responded to by smacking him upside the head.

"So someone, who may or may not be a brony, named their club just like a character from a cartoon." I snapped. "You could at least be a little conscientious of my discomfort with that little tidbit... Jackass." I turned away from Ricky, staring out the window to the illuminated Los Angeles skyline.

We continued in relative silence for a short wile before my boredom kicked in and I pulled out a CD case from my bag. I rifled through my burned CD's before finding the one that had a particular track that I wanted blaring through the sound system Ricky had installed the week before. I mostly picked this one to piss him off, but I also liked to rap along with the lyrics. I prided myself in being able to speak even a small amount of Russian, one of my family's many native languages from generations before. As the lyrics kicked in, I started doing my best impression of the music video while rapping with Seryoga. I couldn't dance to save my life, but my ability to mimic anything that I saw or heard with enough practice more than made up for it. The first verse came up and I went off in the deepest voice I could, matching the track word for word.

Ricky just bobbed his head to the beat and cranked the bass up, causing us to both feel the beat through the seats. I didn't stop as the second verse came in. I matched the whole song, before we finally rolled up on the club, which had yet to open for the night. I looked at the clock on the dashboard, which show half past six. We had a few hours to set up, but needed to work fast. I pulled out my iPod and switched over to some loud tracks, starting with some Skrillex, the calming piano resounding through my ears before switching to the rise and the first bass drop. I started carrying the heaviest equipment from the back of the van, bringing it inside and placing it wherever Ricky pointed. In less than an hour, I'd taken out the pieces of his setup, which would be synchronized with the club DJ's own turntable setup.

We were greeted by the assistant manager of the club, a pretty woman with slightly tanned skin, a short, skinny build and long black hair that seemed as if it had been prepared for hours so that not one strand would be out of place. The part about her that struck me odd was that she seemed to be dressed more for a night out to watch an orchestra, as opposed to managing a club. When she spoke, it had the slight refinement of a British accent that had been Americanized.

"Are you two the technicians we were told to expect?" She asked. I raised my eyebrow at Ricky, who shrugged in response.

Enrique spoke first, before I could say anything stupid that would get us in trouble. "Actually, I'm the tech. This guy," He pointed at me. "Is my assistant. He usually helps with the setup. I have to say, though, you have all the speakers we could possibly want here, which makes our jobs easier." At that last word, I poked Ricky in the rib with the handle of my screwdriver, eliciting a small yelp of pain and a giggle from the woman.

I spoke, discarding any of my formality in favor for getting our job done. "What genius here means to say, Miss...?"

"Octavia."

I stopped for a second, then shook my head briefly before continuing. "...Miss Octavia, we have everything ready to go at a moments notice. I just need to make sure everything was hooked up properly, or else your DJ may have one short show."

"Ah, very well. I can go find her for you, if you like?" She seemed hesitant until I gestured for her to lead the way. "Lets go see if we can find Vinyl anywhere, shall we?" Octavia walked down a hall, and I followed at arms length, before we both stopped in front of a door that had a plate on it that said "MANAGER", obviously the office we were looking for. She knocked on the door before opening it. "Vinyl? The technicians are here, one of them needs to do an inspection before they power up anything. Would you be so kinda as to show him around?"

I heard a female voice from in the office swear briefly before someone exited. She was dressed exactly the same as I'd described her before, but details make an identity to me. On her left arm, I could make out a digital-style tattoo that read "PON3." These weren't her most defining features, however. What caught and held my attention were her eyes, bright red and slightly bleary. I figured she had been napping before we arrived. Coupled with her crimson eyes was the craziest blue hair I'd ever seen. I couldn't help but make mental connections between her and the pony from my favorite show. When she waved a hand in front of my face, I was drawn out of my minor fan-boy stupor and switched back to business mode.

I pulled out a checklist and walkie talkie before finally speaking. "We need to make sure that Ricky's console is compatible with your sound system." I showed Vinyl the clipboard with the extensive steps we would have to go through. When her eyes widened and her mouth gaped a little, I felt the need to calm her down. "Don't worry, I know it seems like a lot, but it goes fast. If anything, I think Ricky is doing the first few for power distribution as we speak." I laughed a little as Vinyl grinned sheepishly, the blush on her face visible, even in the dim lighting of the hallway.

She finally spoke for the first time as she put on these crazy purple glasses, which forced my mind to again make the comparisons between this woman and her pony counterpart. Now I seemed to be looking at Vinyl Scratch in the flesh, but with hands and feet instead of hooves. My thoughts were disrupted when I felt the clipboard leave my hands. I looked to see that Vinyl had taken it from my hand. "So we just need to test the output for all the speakers in the club? No problem!"

I shook my head ruefully as she lead me through the club, I kept Ricky on the radio as we walked around. Vinyl seemed to favor bass and subs overall, a girl after my own heart. We finished fairly quickly, but Vinyl had noticed a loose cable near her station. She asked if I could fix it while she opened up the club, which I obliged to do. As she walked off, it seemed like it had been deliberately wired wrong. This made me wonder whether Vinyl just wanted to see if I knew what I was doing. The story is the same beyond that.





I turned on my stereo and opened up all of its channels while rolling down the Evo's windows. I flipped through my main CD and found Epic Wub Time Remixed. I opened my door, and moved to stand outside while first drop came, causing several car alarms to go off. I stood off to the side, a grin painted across my face that seemed to match Vinyl's. She almost seemed to recognize the voices just like her's and Octavia's, but just continued to listen to the wubs, which continued to make car alarms go off. As the song drew to a close, I walked around and remotely turned off the car, closed the door, and rolled up the windows. I stood directly in front of Vinyl before pointing the remote back toward the car, clicking the lock button and eliciting a beep.

"Max Cross, at your service, Miss Vinyl." I said, reaching my hand out. She took it and instead of shaking it, she pulled me into a tight hug. I tried getting free, but she had a death grip on my torso. I wondered at this point how I could loosen her grip until I felt a slight tightness against my cargo pants. I was desperate now to get loose, so as to avoid any potential embarrassment. The gods were probably laughing at me when Vinyl moved even closer.

"Long time, no see, Bass Drop!" She said happily. "Now hug me back or you aren't going to get free." She finally moved so close that I accidentally poked her. I could feel my face turn red and my whole body's temperature skyrocket. There was even a small amount of steam rolling off my hands and face in the cool winter air. "Oh..." She stopped for a second, leaning back a little while still holding onto me, before grinning devilishly. "Someone likes the Vinyl, does he?" I found the sky very interesting as she still maintained a grip on me. I finally gave in, but decided to let her know that she wasn't the only one who could play that game. I returned the embrace, and let one of my hands venture downward until I felt her jeans. I pinched her just below the waist, managing to make her yelp in surprise, jumping away.

I waited a few seconds before looking back at Vinyl. She was blushing almost as much as me at this point. We made eye contact and instead of looking away again, I raised my glasses and gave her a half-lidded stare. "I believe we can avoid mentioning this ever again..."

She nodded silently before running to the entrance, briefly turning around at the door to wave at me to come inside. As I walked in, I heard Enrique's ringtone from my pocket. I answered his call.

"Che cosa voi?" I yelled into the phone, irritated that he had just ruined my good mood.

Ricky swore a bit before answering. "Dude, where'd you go? I have a bit of bad news..."

I paused for a few seconds, then saw a car speeding down the road. "Mikael got loose?" I asked.

"How did you..." Ricky began before I cut him off.

"Because he's here. Tell the cops." I said before pulling out my pistol. I identified Strauss as he skidded to a stop and jumped out of the car.

"Did you think you could cheat me out of my money so easily!?" Strauss began advancing towards me, and I would hear the frightened whimpering of both Vinyl and Octavia from the club entrance. "After I'm done with you, I can't have any witnesses, now can I? Those little harlots of your will have to die, too!" He pulled out his revolver and had raised it about halfway before I put a round each in his chest and head. The gore splattered all over the cars behind him, followed shortly by blood pooling around his dead body. I pulled my phone back out and said, "Disregard, threat neutralized." I hung up the phone before Rick could respond. 

I turned around to see both women staring at me in absolute shock. My brain took a few moments to register exactly what I had just done, and when I faced towards the body of Mikael Strauss, all the adrenaline that had been present when I shot him disappeared instantly, replaced by a sense of absolute wrongness. I dropped my gun and fell to my knees before I began to hyperventilate. My eyes started to water as the realization sunk in.

'I just killed another human being... What have I done?' I did the only thing that I felt was possible: I dropped to my knees and broke down into tears, my soul screaming out at the violation against nature I had just committed. I could barely see the asphalt beneath my knees from my tear-blurred vision as I let out all of my guilt at once. Sometime during this, I even vomited the entire contents of my stomach. I don't know how long I stayed there before the police arrived. I hear voices, but they were muffled and garbled. I felt hands grab me and didn't resist as I was guided inside the club. It was several minutes before I stopped crying, my first sight being a very sad looking Vinyl, who had removed her glasses. She put a glass of something in front of me, from which I could make out the smell of alcohol. I didn't say a word as I slammed back whatever drink she had given me, feeling the mild burn of the liquor travel down my throat. I set the glass down and pulled my hands up onto the counter, resting my head on them, only to start staring at the illuminated wall of the bar.

Vinyl reached out with one hand, placing it on my shoulder. I responded by placing my own hand on top of it. I noticed that her hands were very soft, despite her apparent profession. I looked over at the same hand and saw that same ethereal glow around it, albeit much dimmer. I made a point of learning what people's auras meant, but this wasn't an aura from what I could tell. She spoke, and I looked at her as she did so.

"Thanks... For saving me and 'Tavi, i mean." She said, her somewhat ragged-sounding voice calming me a bit. I stared into her red eyes for a short while as she continued. "I don't know who that guy was, but the police said he was after you..." She fell silent for a bit, looking away from me.

I lightly grasped Vinyl's hand, drawing her attention. I proceeded to explain exactly why Mikael had shown up at the club. I had no idea how he had found me, since I was on the other side of town. I told her how I'd been trying to keep the band he was managing afloat and how not even ten minutes before she called me, he had been arrested for conspiracy to commit grand theft, as well as extortion, employee neglect, and the always wonderful threat of bodily harm. Her eyes widened at the last one.

"You saw him, though." I laughed hollowly. "I bet that man had never seen the inside of a gym in his life. I used to regularly lift and drag heavy machinery for eight hours a day." I looked at the glass, which Vinyl had refilled, along with pouring one for herself. We clinked our glasses, slammed them on the bar, and tossed back our respective shots. "I suppose the police wanted to talk to me?" I asked quietly.

"Actually, Mister Cross," I heard a male voice from behind me say. I turned around to see a police captain behind me. "I would be trying to arrest you for drinking underage, but I found your old service record." He moved to sit down next to me. "Thank you for your service to our country. Let me buy you a drink, since you'll be twenty-one in," He looked at his watch. "Five hours by my clock. I can let this slide."

I stared at the captain in disbelief. "Captain say what now?" I was still in a minor stupor from my previous actions. "Where did you get access to my military records, if I may ask? I left on a general discharge..." I started going through ideas before facepalming as the information came to me. "Public government records can bite me now... I hate the Internet."

The captain laughed before reaching out his right hand. "Captain Frank Ramos."

I took his hand and shook it, replying. "Maximus Cross."

"Well, Mister Cross, if you'll excuse me, I have other laws to enforce." Captain Ramos clapped me on my shoulder. "If you ever want to talk about what happened, just come down to the station. I doubt the late mister Strauss will care very much."

I waved goodbye to Captain Ramos and moved to push my red sunglasses back down, only to find that they weren't present. I sighed before returning my attention to Vinyl. "You wouldn't happen to have seen my glasses, have you?"
> Drunken Revelations
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	I slammed back another shot, my twentieth for the evening. I looked over to Vinyl's station, seeing her grin while she made the entire club reverberate with her mixes. She had left me at the bar, saying that she needed to help Octavia for the evening. I looked at the clock, which read 11:52, and wondered if I should do something crazy for my actual birthday since I was already drunk enough. I pulled out a fifty dollar bill and laid it on the bar, signalling the bartender that I was ready to pay my rather expensive tab. He walked over and looked at the money, then at me.

"What's this for?" He asked. I stared at him, confused.

"To pay my tab?" I responded questioningly. I received a laugh in response.

The bartender slid the bill back to me, and I was even more confused at this point. He stopped laughing before pointing to Vinyl. "The boss said tonight's drinks were on the house for you. She also said to tell you to meet her in her office after you were done." He paused for a bit before asking me, "Was you old boss really threatening PON3 and Octavia?"

My stomach dropped a bit as I was reminded of what I'd done several hours earlier. "I don't want to talk about that little experience..." I muttered. He looked at me with what I guessed was sympathy and left me, still not taking the fifty. I sighed as I pocketed my money and walked towards the manager's office. I waved to Vinyl as I passed, and she seemed to light up a bit at that. I smiled back before continuing to her office. I opened the door to see Octavia sitting in a chair, facing the door.

She looked me in the eyes before speaking. "Ah, Mister Cross. You've finished calming down?"

"I thought I was meeting with Vinyl in here..." I said, going on the defensive a bit. I knew that Octavia wasn't hostile, but I wasn't sure if she was friendly either. "The bartender said that 'the boss' wanted to meet my in here..."

Octavia smiled. "And I do." She said simply. "You are aware that we asked for you specifically, correct?"

I frowned and crossed my arms. "I was under the impression that Vinyl was the owner... And no, I was not aware of such. I figured Luke went off the basic description of 'someone who had experience with clubs,' and my name came up."

Octavia's smile grew wider. She seemed to be enjoying my discomfort, which was not being helped by my inebriation. "Vinyl simply could not stop talking about you. She also said that when you two were on the stage together, it felt almost like she was on a date."

I stared at Octavia in mild confusion, who seemed to be shifting nervously under my gaze, if her fading smile was anything to go by. I realized I wasn't wearing my glasses still. My eyes seemed to freak people out, no matter what I did, their color caused a great deal of discomfort. "A... date?" I asked, my nervousness filtering through to my voice. "I, uh..." I was at a loss for words, but couldn't find a way to change the subject.

"Oh, dear." Octavia said. "Was that too sudden? I do apologize for that, but I wanted to make sure you were aware of how Vinyl felt before she did something..." She looked down at the floor, fiddling with a pen in her hands.

I suddenly felt horrible about my reaction. I was about to respond when Vinyl walked into the office, sweat pouring off of her. She seemed exhausted, but her expression lit up when she saw that I was also present in the office. I smiled back, more than a little nervous about the recent development, but choked down my discomfort. I was about to say something when Vinyl rushed up to me and gave me a hug. I didn't know how to react, just standing there with the DJ wrapped around my midsection. I decided to return the hug, catching a slight whiff of her hair when she moved closer. She smelled vaguely of grapes and blueberries, under the obvious scent of her sweat from being up on stage in the sweltering club environment.

"What's up, Bass Drop?" She asked happily as she released me. "I saw you wave when you came back here. You need something?" Her purple glasses did next to nothing to conceal her excitement, since she was close enough for me to see her eyes through the lenses.

"Uh, maybe..." I said, looking over to Octavia, who appeared to be suppressing a great deal of laughter, if the fact that her eyes were glinting and she was concealing a grin behind her hand was anything to go by. "Miss Octavia here apparently wanted to see me about something."

Octavia's eyes widened a bit before she waved a hand in a dismissive gesture. "Oh, no. I think I've already let you know everything about the job here. I'll just leave you two alone." She stood up quickly and rushed out the door, as the door shut, I could make out the quiet click of it locking from the outside. "Have fun in there!" She called through the door.

I rushed to the door, banging on it loudly. "Dammit, Octavia! Let me out of here, I have work to do!" As I think back on it now, it would have more than likely been best for me to have not had my back turned to Vinyl for any length of time that evening. I felt something soft press up against my back, and a warm air blowing across the back of my neck. I may have been drunk off my ass, but I could still tell that Vinyl had managed to drink way more than myself. I could almost taste the alcohol on her breath, it was so strong. 'Am I about to be raped by Vinyl Scratch?' I wondered. I didn't get paid enough for this, considering I had no preparation for this particular extracurricular activity. "Uh, Vinyl..."

She didn't respond, but I felt her trying to unbutton my pants. Her hot breath still washed over the nape of my neck. I put my hand down at my waist and pulled her own hand away. I turned around to say something, but had to fend off her rushing me, obviously trying to kiss me. I was drunk, she was smashed, and Octavia had just locked us in a small room. Under other circumstances, I would have been thanking the gods for my fortune, but I had a woman who I thought may or may not be able to use telekinetic magic running her hands all over me, while I had no way to protect myself, both from her advances and the prospect of unwanted children. At that moment, I was very glad that I had a second, almost unreachable from the outside, button holding my pants closed.

"Vinyl, this is extremely inappropriate..." I said as she gave up on my pants and had moved on to removing my other clothes. My trench coat had already been tossed across the room and my shirt was not about to face the same fate. I grabbed Vinyl's wrists and held them at her shoulders. "Miss Scratch!" I yelled. "I appreciate that you like me, you're very attractive, yourself. However, I cannot condone you attempting to... mmpf!" I was cut off when she lunged at me and caught my mouth with hers. I could taste exactly what she had drunk before she came to the office: a really strong daiquiri. I fell into such a state of shock that I released her arms and let my own reach around her waist.

She leaned back, releasing my mouth. She spoke in a slightly slurred voice, the smell of the rum from her drink still present. "You wanna keep those on?" She pointed to my pants. "Fine! But I wanna make some sweet wub to... you..." She fell forward and I caught her before she hit the floor. I could hear the snores quietly coming from her mouth. I sighed before I looked at the couch, then back at the passed out woman.

"Well, fuck me..." I said. I thought I heard Vinyl mumble "With pleasure," but ignored the response. I picked Vinyl up and laid her down on the couch. I threw my coat over her sleeping form before I searched for a way to open the office door. After nearly and hour of searching through every crack and crevice of the office and it's furniture, I threw my hands up in defeat and returned my attention to the sleeping DJ. I weighed my options: One, sleep on the floor and risk Vinyl either falling on me or waking up and attempting to rape me again. Two, sleep in the chair, run less of a risk of being raped, but have to deal with the back problems in the morning. And three... Three was the riskiest idea of the bunch. I could sleep on the couch with Vinyl and hope that she wouldn't try to doing anything rash in the morning.

I ended up picking number three. Before I laid down, I pulled out my pistol from the holster in the coat, removed the magazine, and made sure the safety was on before hiding it behind the couch. I could retrieve it in the morning. Then, I lifted up the coat, moved to the position behind Vinyl, and laid the coat back down over both of us. I was about to consider myself home free until I saw Vinyl turn over to face me. I almost jumped off the couch until I felt her nuzzle into my chest, take sleeping possession of my right arm, and go back to sleep. I sighed, then laid my left arm over her and fell asleep.





I awakened to the familiar sight of the ceiling of the manager's office of Club PON3. I looked over to the clock on the wall, which read 8:37. I had no idea of it was morning or evening, due to the lack of windows in the room. I stretched and sat up, feeling the grogginess that accompanied my usual hangovers. I groaned as I rubbed the sleep from my eyes, then slowly stood up. I stumbled a bit as I opened the door to the office. I was met with the sun leaking in through a window down the hall.

"Sunlight... evil..." I groaned loudly, my displeasure vocalized with the sight of natural light. I turned back around and tracked down my glasses, put them on, and walked out again. I made my way to the main floor of the club, spotting the sleeping form of Vinyl on one of the large angled couches near the hallway, her glasses missing. I wandered to the bar, trying to find something that could fix my fatigue. "Fully functioning bar, and they don't have any fucking NOS..." I muttered to myself.

"That's because we never get requests for it," I heard Octavia say from the other side of the bar. I swore as I stood too fast and cracked my head on the counter. "Are you all right?" She asked, appearing concerned.

I groaned for the third time that morning before replying. "Just hung over and in need of saturated caffeine. Usual morning antics for me..." She didn't look any less concerned at this. I sighed before continuing. "I'm not a morning person, sorry. Or a day person in general for that matter..." This elicited a giggle from the dark-haired woman. I detected something other than amusement in her giggle, but ignored it as I spotted a green and black can. I did my best impression of a chorister while singing. "Nectar of the gods!" I popped open the can and chugged its entire contents, suppressing a belch before standing. My view revealed a groggy Vinyl sitting at the bar.

"Gimme one of those..." She mumbled, rubbing her eyes. I looked at her suspiciously, wondering if she remember the night before. I pulled out another Monster and cracked it open before handing it to her. Her red eyes widened a little bit before she reached over the bar and gave me a one-handed hug around my neck. "You're my new favorite pony!" She exclaimed before giving Octavia an apologetic smile. "Sorry, 'Tavi..." I watched as she drank from the can and sighed contentedly. Her words went through my head, throwing up only one red flag.

"Uh, did you just say... pony?" I asked nervously. Vinyl stopped mid-drink, and I saw Octavia stiffen from the corner of my eye. "You know what? The whole cosplay thing was cool for a while, and you two have your characters down to a "T"..." I spoke slowly, my headache beginning to come back. "But, it's getting a little weird."

"Uh, right... about that..." Octavia began.

I shook my head. "Uh, uh. It's too early for this shit..." I grabbed my head and snapped my eyes shut as the headache progressed into a migraine. "I didn't even have the whole bottle..." I opened my eyes to see both Octavia and Vinyl staring at me as if I had... "Do I have something on my face?" I asked in a slightly panicked voice. I dared not move my hands now, save to massage my temples in an attempt to ease the pain.

"No, dude..." Vinyl said, her red eyes still wide.

Octavia finished for her. "You appear to be glowing..."

'Eh?' I thought before looking for a white wall. I found one in the sound room, go figure. I held my hand up and looked at a perceived point between the wall and my hand. It took a few seconds, but I finally made out a whitish-blue shimmer around my fingertips, which overlapped my aura, which, while normally orange with a soft blue undertone, now also had a dirty brown overlay in addition to the aforementioned shimmering. I figured that my insecurity had something to do with either my killing Mikael, or my discomfort surrounding my interesting evening with Vinyl.

I walked out of the room, coming face to face with both women immediately. I gave them no chance to speak before asking. "Whitish-blue?" They nodded. "Around my whole body?" More nodding. "Hmm, is it anything like Vinyl's aura?" Half nod before a shocked pause. "And there's the part I was looking for... You two didn't know I can see auras, did you?"

"Er... what's an aura?" Octavia asked nervously. "I thought that the field around you was your magic."

That shut me up really fast.

"Yeah!" Vinyl continued. "You said you can see it, right? You saw my magic!"

I resembled a fish for a few seconds while my brain tried to go through a reboot process. I finally found the capacity to speak after I observed Vinyl's "magic" fluctuating. Apparently it reacted to moods, just like an aura, just without the color change. "Uh, magic doesn't exist..." I said.

Now was the women's turn to stare. "But... you... we... WHAT DO YOU MEAN	 MAGIC DOESN'T EXIST?!" Vinyl screamed. "Explain! NOW!"

Octavia seemed to be the only person present who could keep her cool, since she put a hand on Vinyl's shoulder. This seemed to calm the angry Vinyl down. Octavia looked at me closely, and I guessed she was trying to determine if I was lying. Not to say that I hadn't done a little bit of research into the metaphysical, but there was no evidence to suggest... that... 'Oh, balls...' I thought, my mind returning to the first time I'd seen Vinyl's aura, the circumstances of their almost sudden appearance, and the strange storms all over the world. I went through a rather unpleasant phase of connection before I heard a voice, which wasn't mine.

"Ah, so you know the truth now?" It said. The voice sounded vaguely familiar, and definitely female.

I jumped in shock before my head darted around rapidly. "CHE DIAVOLO ERA QUELLO?" I yelled, trying to find the source of the voice. "Where are you?!"

"You already know, young Maximus." The voice said again. "These young women will need your help in the coming storm."

"Storm? What storm?" I demanded. "You're not making any sense! Reveal yourself!"

I really wished at that moment that I hadn't said that. You know how it seems like the universe is a sadistic bitch at the worst times? This was not one of those times. Instead, I think even the universe was scratching its proverbial head at what happened next. A bright flash of golden light appeared in the middle of the club, temporarily blinding me. When my vision cleared, I saw both Vinyl and Octavia kneeling before a tall woman with pastel colored hair that appeared to move of its own volition. She was garbed in a white dress that made her look like she was some sort of royalty. Her eyes were an almost unreal shade of violet. Topping off this entire image was the pair of massive white wings on her back. She had a smile on her face that on the surface bespoke benevolence, but her aura revealed undertones of power and authority. I figure that if I made this woman even the slightest bit upset, my destabilization of my perception of reality would be the least of my worries.

"What are you doing?!" Vinyl hissed at me. "Kneel before the princess!" I just looked at her stupidly, ignoring the glares she and Octavia sent my way. My attention turned to the regal woman in front of me, who, judging by her seemingly kind smile, looked like she was either about to act like a kind mother or go Hannibal Lecter on my ass. I was relieved when she chose the former.

"It's a pleasure to see you, too, my subjects." She said in that same familiar voice. I still couldn't place it, which is why when she said "subjects", I had to stop myself from laughing. 'She will kill you...' My mind seemed to say. "And it's an even greater pleasure to meet the young stallion who welcomed them so graciously." I hated my brain, since it chose then to allow me to snort after this dignified woman called me a "stallion." I seemed to be missing some elaborate prank that probably had a lame punch line. I suddenly felt the room become stiflingly warm.I lifted my glasses and looked the woman in the eyes, and regretted it instantly. It felt like I was looking directly at the sun, and my soul was being burned in penance. I stared right back, hoping that she would back down.

We stared at each other angrily for a few minutes, before I spoke. "I will never blink!" I said in a half-quiet voice, enunciating the last word. This broke her concentration as she burst into outright laughter. I put my glasses back down and looked at the woman in confusion. 'Wasn't she about to end me?' I thought before I started making connections again. I hate my mind sometimes... It gets me into projects that I have no time for, and situations I have no way to defuse. Instead of pondering the subject further, however, I opted to walk to the bar. I sat down and laid my head down while I waited for the woman's laughter to subside. I was only there for a few seconds before I noticed someone sit on the chair next to me. I looked over to see the woman still giggling, but in a much more subsided manner.

"I am sorry," She said, in between giggles. "But you are the first individual I've met during my visit here who didn't try to run away when I overreacted." I raised an eyebrow at this before sighing and walking around to the other side of the bar. I pulled a full bottle of Hpnotiq from the shelf an set it down before tracking down my apparently paid for vodka. I started flipping the bottles like drummers would with their sticks and poured both into a glass simultaneously. I stopped pouring and switched to a second, third, and fourth glass in sequence. I placed one of the drinks in front of the woman, who eyed it suspiciously. "What in the world is this?" She asked, sniffing the alcohol. "It smells strange..." I ignored her reaction before handing the second and fourth glasses to Vinyl and Octavia, who had followed me to the bar shortly after the scary woman, who still hadn't properly introduced herself, despite my suspicions concerning her identity. I lifted my glass in a toasting fashion.

"Before I say anything," I began. "Who in the names of all of the ancient god are you." I delivered a pointed look to the woman in front of me as I tried to ignore her still-moving-of-its-own-volition hair. I waited patiently for about a minute as I received glares from Vinyl and Octavia. "I'm waiting..." I waited for a second before I held my hand up. "One moment, please." I knocked back my Blue Storm, watching as everyone else followed suit, except the regal woman, who was still eyeing the shot suspiciously. "You drink it. It ain't gonna bite you." I said in the nicest tone I could manage. I watched as she drank the alcohol, mimicking my action. I chuckled as I saw her reaction to the apparent burn of the alcohol. "Now, you were saying?"

The woman gave me a motherly smile before speaking. I thought that there was nothing that she could have said that would bother me any more than my little experience with my new extra layer to my aura, but I was proven horribly wrong when she said. "I figured you already knew by now. But I suppose you are having some trouble with all of this, so I'll tell you." She had a slight flush to her cheeks. I guessed she was a bit of a lightweight. "I am Princess Celestia, co-ruler of Equestria and Goddess of the sun."

My brain went through a series of computer-like operations, trying to process the new information. However, the recent shock I'd experienced with seeing a whole new layer to my aura that should have been there, as well as Vinyl trying to... I wouldn't even go back to that. Trauma aside, I knew what was coming next, and felt the need to say what had now become my signature line for my reaction to extreme shock overload.

"Cross, OUT!"

I never thought the floor could come up that fast...
> Don't Panic
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	As an avid reader, I had a bad habit of referring to novels, history books, and other written media whenever trying to make a joke, prove a point, or cope. Not necessarily in that respective order, though.

I mention this because when I have stress overloads, I have this bad habit of passing out. This is why I have to repeatedly remind myself of the words printed on Douglas Adam's book within a book: "Don't Panic." Those two simple words can do wonders for one's sanity whenever they are faced with anything from a simple test to something as bad as watching their perception of reality fall apart in the course of a single night. In less than twenty-four hours, I had quit a contract, got my old boss arrested, got a new job at the first and only club I'd ever performed at, killed my old boss, nearly got raped by a woman who I thought was a drunk cosplayer, tried to deny the existence of magic, and finally been told that I was face to face with a fictional deity.

Panic? No. I didn't panic, I haven't ever truly panicked since basic training. I just went into safety mode... YEAH! That's it, safety mode...

Who am I kidding, I was due for a panic attack of colossal proportions any day now.





I awoke on one of the club's long couches to the sight of all three women standing over me, all wearing worried expressions. I knew I wasn't dead, since my head was throbbing. "I need another drink." I moaned tiredly

I'm an idiot.

My face was met with the suffocating valley known simply as Vinyl's cleavage as she glomped me and started screaming a variety of things related to how worried she was for me. I figured that she had no idea what she was doing, but I was having trouble breathing and ready to pass out again from oxygen deprivation. I put a hand against her stomach and tried to push her away, but she wouldn't let go. Let it be known that no matter how cool she acts, any girl will flip out if she thinks one of her male friends is hurt. I started tapping on her side, which got her attention. "Can't breathe!" I tried to say, but it sounded more like "Cmmmf bfffff!" I was finally released, and with Vinyl's chest no longer blocking my airflow, I took several deep breaths. I looked around wildly, trying to regain my bearings, and spotted Celestia sitting with Octavia on the other end of the couch they'd placed me on after I'd passed out.

"I am sorry for the suddenness of my appearance, Maximus." Celestia said apologetically, an embarrassed smile on her face. "You were rather direct with your questions, though." She pointed to a glass on the table next to me, which contained more of the Blue Storm. I reached for the glass before I noticed something different about it. There appeared to be some sort of pill in the bottom. It didn't look like anything I'd ever seen before, so I refrained from grabbing the glass. Instead, I opted to sit up and rub my eyes. I was beginning to become tired of my fainting spells, since I used to be capable of experiencing several instances of severe shock, with the only side effects being extreme exhaustion. "Are you going to drink?" She asked, and I could tell that she was expecting me to simply toss back the drink like I had with the one I'd mixed. I eyed her suspiciously, thinking that the pill in the bottom of the glass was something that I didn't want in my system.

"I prefer to mix my own drinks," I said cautiously. I figured that I wouldn't let her know I'd noticed the pill. I stood, watching the Princess, Octavia, and Vinyl for any signs of aggression. I walked over to the bar and mixed my own Blue Storm. During the process, I thought I heard a faint "plop" sound, but wrote it off as the splashing of the alcohol mixing. I raised the glass, slammed it on the counter, and knocked it back quickly. Then I noticed the sensation of something solid going down my throat. 'Oh, fuck me...' I thought as I tried to keep whatever it was from going down my throat. I felt the alcohol and the object hit my stomach. I glanced nervously at Celestia, who had walked over to sit at the bar. "What did I just swallow?" I asked quietly, not wanting to move around in case it was some kind of poison.

"Do not be afraid, Maximus." Celestia said kindly. "If my theory about you is wrong, the tablet will do nothing but pass through your body harmlessly. If I am correct, though..." Her eyes indicated some sort of excitement. I could tell that I was not going to like what was about to happen.

I swallowed nervously, unsure of how to proceed. I poured another drink and walked around to sit next to Celestia. I felt Vinyl sit on the opposite side of me, but my attention was focused on the Princess with prismatic hair and an apparent penchant for not giving people details about their situation. "While we wait for... whatever you gave me, to kick in, how about you tell me your end of this little clusterfuck?" I said sharply. I needed answers, and I needed them NOW.

Celestia looked at me, then Vinyl, before sighing. "I admit that I haven't been very forthcoming with you, and I'm sorry for that. You must understand, however, that Equestria is on the border of collapse. Not just our government, but the world itself. Harmony has been lost, and we needed to retreat to a safer location." She used her magic to pour herself a glass of what I guessed was the club's strongest whiskey. I raised my eyebrow at this, considering I wouldn't imagine royalty drinking something considered low-brow. She noticed my look and sipped from the glass before saying, "It's sweeter than cider. Now, I suppose you should probably grab a couple more bottles, this is a long story..."





Equestria is known as a land of peace and harmony. A place where even the greatest problems can be solved through the powers of friendship. I swear, Maximus Cross, if you laugh at our culture one more time, I will hurt you. Now, as I said before, our land was one of nearly perfect existence. We had our own problems, and were just as susceptible to the venom of jealousy, greed, mistrust, all of which had plagued our land more than once. You are already aware of our most recent battles against Nightmare Moon, the Changelings, Discord, and King Sombra. What I'm sure you are not aware of is the second uprising of the Changelings. They have infiltrated our kingdom once more, and I had to send many of my subjects all over this world. This was meant only as a temporary solution, as I thought that the uprising would be quelled in a single day, same as the first...





"Sister! We cannot hold back the army for much longer! We must retreat to the other world, lest we be felled by these abominations!" Luna yelled over the raging sounds of battle. She looked on as her older sister, Celestia, stared in horror at the mass slaughter in the streets. Based on the reports, the only place in Equestria that had not been overrun by the advancing forces was Ponyville. However, the small hamlet was still in a state of mass panic. Celestia could only stare in horror as she watched her loyal soldiers be mercilessly cut down by the army of Queen Chrysalis. She was shaken out of her shock as a massive explosion resounded from the far end of the castle. Canterlot was in anarchy, and the Princesses would need to evacuate their ponies to somewhere, anywhere that the Changelings could not follow.

Finally, after she began to regain her senses, Celestia looked to Luna somberly, invoking an order that she had prayed to the Creator would have never needed to be carried out. "Our home is in flames, and Chrysalis fast approaches. Gather any survivors and bring them to Ponyville, We must go to the land of the humans." Luna stared at her sister for several moments, apparently hoping she had misheard her sister. The human world was a land of strife, intolerance, and hate. As such it was a place where the ponies of Equestria would never be able to retain their innocence.

The Lunar Princess nodded. "Yes, sister. I am loathe to say such, but you are right. I shall gather the few survivors from Canterlot and meet you in Twilight Sparkle's library posthaste." She placed a hoof on her sister's shoulder in a comforting gesture before disappearing in a flash of azure magic. Celestia sighed as she considered the severity of the order she had just given. Hope was lost to this world, but she would return with reinforcements when she was able. Doubt's seeds were still in her mind, however, forcing her to ponder whether her homeland would ever be liberated from the ensuing tyranny of Chrysalis.

The Princess of the Sun stole one last look at the remains of her capital city before tears formed in her eyes. "Canterlot, you will be free again. Perhaps the race of man shall hold the secrets to your liberation. May the Creator preserve you." And with those final words, Celestia performed the teleportation spell, leaving the burning remains of the fallen city behind.





Celestia reappeared outside the library of Ponyville. The sight that met her eyes tore her apart, reminding her of exactly what she was attempting to save. The cries of despair from the hundreds of ponies that had escaped from Canterlot and Cloudsdale bespoke the sorrow and despair that plagued her few remaining subjects. Her own teary visage matched those of the Unicorns, Pegasi, and Earth ponies who had lost their homes and families to the Changelings. The first pony to approach her, trotting in a halfhearted fashion, was her faithful student, a unicorn by the name of Twilight Sparkle, Bearer of the Element of Magic. The young mare looked as if she had all but lost the will to live, having been a firsthand witness to the horrors that the Changelings had inflicted upon Equestria. Tears ran down Twilight's face as she faced her teacher.

In between the heart-wrenching sobs, Twilight related to Celestia how she had been in Canterlot visiting her parents. Celestia was aware of this, but the next piece of information only deepened her sorrow. Twilight, who had been enjoying a quiet dinner with her family, was forced to watch as several Changelings blasted through the door to her parents' home and viciously slaughtered her mother and father before her eyes. As Twilight continued to cry, Celestia could see the small marks of dried blood on her face, signifying that she had not only watched her parents die, but had been exposed to her very first sight of bloodshed. Celestia reached out with one foreleg and gave her student a comforting hug. Twilight continued to cry, her tears seeping into Celestia's coat, but the Princess did not care. 

She stayed there, giving her student words of comfort until she spotted Luna, who was equally comforting both Applejack: the Element of Honesty, and Rarity: the Element of Generosity. Both were inconsolable, because they had lost family as well. As Celestia looked around, she could see big Macintosh, Applejack's older brother, giving comfort to the trio known as the Cutie Mark Crusaders. A number of other ponies could be seen crying and, in some cases, simply staring off into space due to shock. A number of other fairly well known ponies from Canterlot could be seen: Fleur de Lis and her husband, Fancy Pants, the oddly friendly musical duo of Octavia Philharmonica and Vinyl Scratch, and a number of other survivors from the annihilation of the Equestrian capital. Hundreds of pegasi had been removed from their homes in light of the impending invasion on the city in the sky. Celestia was slightly relieved to see that two of the Wonderbolts, Spitfire and Soarin', had been able to escape with their kin from Cloudsdale. The normally flamboyant and outspoken Element of Loyalty, Rainbow Dash, was unusually quiet, stoically holding her best friend and the Element of Kindness, Fluttershy, as the latter cried her eyes out. The last of the Elements, Pinkie Pie, was even more out of sorts. Her normally puffed out hair hung flat as a look of depression marred her normally joyous and cheery demeanor. She seemed to have shut down from the world around her, so as to try to detach herself from the living nightmare that had taken hold of Equestria.

The Elements of Harmony were all wearing their respective artifacts, apparently thinking they were to go to battle. This was apparently before they'd received the news that their friends and family were either dead or evacuating in the panic. Nopony was expecting such a massacre to strike their home, and it showed just how sheltered the ponies of Equestria were in terms of war.

Celestia wished she could tell everypony that things would be alright, but even she couldn't convince herself of such false hope. She finally resolved to choke down her overwhelming emotions and reveal her emergency plan. "Everypont, if I could have your attention." She called out in a slightly louder variant of her usual voice. Seeing that only a few ponies could even hear her, she resolved to use the Royal Canterlot Voice. "WOULD EVERYPONY PLEASE BE QUIET. I HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT." This silenced the large crowd rather quickly. "Citizens of Equestria, as you all know, a great tragedy has stricken our home. The armies of Queen Chrysalis of the Changelings even now advance on this, the last free town of our country. I am sorry to say, but we cannot hope to counter this foe. Millions of ponies have already lost their lives at the hooves of these merciless invaders. Hope is lost for our home." This elicited many whispers of fear and dissent. "Not all is lost, though." Celestia continued. "Another world exists, beyond the senses of any of you, and may even be regarded as nothing more than a foal's fantasies. It is a world where the only sapient species is a bipedal distant relative of that world's apes. This species is know as the humans." Even more whispers began, more than a few questioning the sanity of their Princess. "I will not lie to you, my little ponies. Humans are a cruel race. They are not as inclined as you or I to the merits of harmony. Instead, they choose war and strife as their way of living. They bicker with each other over the smallest of things and attempt to push responsibility to others. Despite this, they have developed a stubbornness and will that allows them to survive, even through the harshest of conflicts."

Luna stepped in at this point, allowing her sister to rest her voice, which she knew was already abused from the use of the Royal Canterlot Voice. Luna cleared her throat before continuing at a normal volume. "It is because of their merits that the humans have been seen as potential saviors for our world. Though they are disharmonious by their very nature, a sense of justice is deeply ingrained into even the youngest foals of their kind. Whether they keep this value is completely up to the individual, and it is typically forfeited in favor of their greatest flaws, greed and hatred being the most destructive. Our proposal, nay our plan of action, is to send every one of you to the human world. We do this so that you may find those few humans that put their well-being before others, those that would sacrifice their own safety to protect complete strangers. In essence, we need to find humans that can hold to the very same values we ponies hold so close to our hearts." Luna looked to Celestia, who was ready to speak again. The Solar Princess moved to stand next to her younger sister and looked out to the ponies gathered in the middle of Ponyville. Their subjects were silent at this point, enraptured by the plan that their Princesses had laid before them.

"Know this, my little ponies. The human world is not familiar with magic. In fact, they have become so detached from it that many of their kind are all but numb to even the slightest whisper of magic. This had led to a common belief that magic does not even exist in their world. They favor the use of advanced machines in place of the powers of nature. They have abused their world to the point that it is almost on the point of collapse itself. Many of those who you meet will regard even your most advanced feats as nothing more than parlor tricks. Your abilities must instead be carried out with the use of their technology. You will find the physiology of humans to be strange at first, but do not fret. We will transport anything you need to the cities of the humans that you will meet. You will know who your partner is from the very first moment that you lay eyes on them, and you must ensure that they unlock their own talents, as the humans do not have cutie marks. They are a species of many varying talents, but almost never find their true calling. They may even be performing tasks completely in contrast with their true talent, but they will find the same joy in their calling that you all have come to know. They merely require a small push." Celestia finished her half of the speech and began preparing the massive spell necessary to transport the hundreds of ponies gathered before them.

Luna began her final part of the speech, using the Royal Canterlot Voice to ensure that she was heard throughout the town. "When you arrive, my sister and I will be there to guide you in the basics of co-existing with the humans. In addition, your own bodies will need to be forfeited for the duration of your stay in their world. We cannot emphasize the importance that you do not reveal yourselves as ponies, as our world is regarded as nothing more than a fictitious form of entertainment for children. It will not be easy, nor will the humans be kind to you, but it is for the greater good of Equestria that you must all succeed. If you do not, we may be left without a home to return to." Celestia had finished preparing the spell and was waiting for Luna to assist in the execution. Luna spoke on last time to the gathered ponies, who were, at this point, all shifting nervously, anticipating and slightly fearing what was to come. "May the Creator be with you all, and we wish you the best of luck." With this, Luna touched her horn to Celestia's, and in a massive flash of powerful magic, everypony in Ponyville disappeared.
> Like A Sore Thumb
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	I watched as Celestia began to cry when she related her story to me. I saw her trying to keep it together, but knowing from experience that such things weren't healthy, I stood and face the Princess.

"I'm sorry." I said before giving her a hug and let her cry into my shoulder. It seemed that despite all of the power she held, Celestia was still susceptible to the pain of emotion. She had lost her home, her people had died before her eyes, and she had lost hope. Being the stubborn SOB that I was, I flat-out refused to allow any further pain to come her way. I felt that strange tug on my gut again, but it was more like a sharp yanking on my innards. I ignored the pain and continued to let Celestia cry until I was satisfied she had released all of her pain. Even though I was a crass and anti-social wreck compared to most people, I could relate to the pain of loss better than most. I felt the Princess stop shaking, though I could still hear the quiet whimpering from her, so I held her a bit longer, and even signaled for Vinyl and Octavia to come over. I embraced all three women. "I had no idea that you had lost so much..." I whispered, feeling the tug again, this one even stronger than the last. It took all of my willpower to not keel over on the spot. I could not, however, halt the grunt of pain that escaped my lips.

All three women pulled away at once, watching me as I finally doubled over in agony when a third and even more violent tug turned into a feeling of fire exploding through my whole body. I managed to grit my teeth and maintain focus long enough to ask again. "Figlio d'un cane, what was that pill?" I couldn't stay standing any longer when the fire in my veins effectively turned from small house fire to supernova. This time I wasn't granted the bliss of unconsciousness when my body felt like it had been injected with concentrated pain. I let out an almost unearthly howl of agony. My aura sight started to act up a bit as I looked up at Celestia.

"It was a medicine we developed to unlock your latent magic as a human." She said, the regret on her face apparent, even through my hazy vision. "Your kind have access to unbelievable power, but humans have forgotten magic, regarding it as a myth. This medicine in your body is giving you the necessary push to unlock that power." Celestia's magic felt like a warm hand as it lifted me and placed me on the couch I'd woken up on. I knew then why she had the first drink ready when I woke up. The fire in my veins intensified further, spreading to my brain, which was the turning point of the process. I could feel my mind moving at a million miles an hour, every individual sensation exploding in my senses tenfold.

What I hated was the fact that I;d just gone through the easy part.

I could hear Celestia's voice, but it was unintelligible through the next wave of raw power that exploded through my body. After all of my main senses had already been abused, my aura sight was attacked next. Normally I would have to focus on an individual to see their aura, and that was all I would see. Now my head was searing with the most pain I'd experienced in several years. I could see my own aura several feet in front of my face, glowing like the sun. I slammed my eyes shut, and regretted it instantly. Aura sight is dependent on the user's ability to stretch their sixth sense out, usually in a straight line that required intense focus. Now, even with my eyes shut, I could see swirling energy all around me, almost blinding me, despite my closed eyes. I turned over to face down, thinking there would be nothing to see in the ground.

Today was not my day for luck, since the moment I turned over, I saw what appeared to be a massive underground system of pipes. These pipes glowed all sorts of colors, ranging through the entire visible spectrum, and a few that would have otherwise been invisible to the human eye. From these pipes, I could see millions of tiny strands of energy undulating and moving, almost as if each one was connected to individual people. Some were brighter than others, and my own, which stretched from my core to the pipes, was the brightest of them all. I could not, however, see any of the strands leading up to the three women that I knew were in the room with me. Suddenly, I felt the tug again and watched as my strand grew brighter and brighter, until it exploded, severing my connection to the pipes below. The sensation was indescribable. The most I could say was that I felt as if I was weightless, no longer weighed down spiritually by some previously unnoticed force.

The wonder was short-lived, since I opened my eyes and forced myself into a sitting position. I reached for my glasses, only to find that they were no longer on my head. I looked toward Vinyl, who was holding my glasses out to me. Apparently they had fallen off my face during my mini-seizure. I gave Vinyl a grateful look as I put my glasses on. I was relieved when the maelstrom of energy was no longer visible. It was going to be inconvenient for me if I had to wear my glasses indoors from now on. I looked at Celestia, and she rushed up to me, delivering a tight embrace. I could barely hear her repeated apologies, since my hearing was still overloaded from... what the hell just happened anyway?

I removed my glasses, wincing as the energy around me became visible again. "That sucked." I mumbled as my other senses stabilized. I was distressed to find that even the slightest touch still felt like a needle in my flesh. I looked to the bar and began advancing toward it. I felt someone grab my arm when I was about halfway. I looked to see Vinyl shaking her head.

"You won't be able to do that for awhile, Bass Drop." She laughed a bit as she said this, more than likely because of my horrified expression. Even Celestia and Octavia were giggling quietly at my plight.

"No more vodka...?" I asked pitifully. Vinyl shook her head. "Well, damn! How am I supposed to get over my stage fright now? Also, what's with you still calling me 'Bass Drop'? My name is Maximus..."

"It's a cool name!" Vinyl said, grinning widely. "Not to sound rude, but Maximus is kinda lame." She put a hand on my shoulder, obviously enjoying her entertainment at my expense.

I sighed, then remembered that I had to call Luke to let him know I arrived at the club, which I'd neglected to so last night. "Hang on, I have to call my boss and let him know I..." As I pulled out my phone, I noticed something was wrong. Namely, the phone's outside had been partially melted, and it was beyond repair. "Uh... What happened to my phone?"

Celestia walked over and examined the phone, equally bewildered. "I don't know... could it have something to do with your new..."

"It's not magic." I interrupted. "Humans can't use magic. It's not possible..."

"It is magic," She snapped back. "You've already seen it for yourself. And I believe Vinyl will be able to help you best." This elicited a quiet squeak from the DJ, who I could tell was blushing. Her aura was shifting nervously and seemed to be attracted to me. I put my glasses back on, still unnerved by the newly enhanced sixth sense. Then I detected a smell, which also seemed to be coming from Vinyl. It smelled like her hair, but far stronger and with undertones of... something. Whatever it was, it smelled good. I shook my head to clear my senses.

"Can we go get some grub, now?" I asked. I looked at the clock, it was half past 11. My stomach let out a loud rumble to echo my sentiment. "The Maw demands sustenance beyond strange medicine, alcohol, and energy drinks." I said ominously. I tried to remain serious, and so did the ladies, but Octavia was the first to crack. Soon after, we were all laughing as we walked out to my car. I was grateful that I'd bought the four-door model. What surprised me was the fact that in the several months that they'd been here, Celestia was the only one among us who's never been in a car. I was feeling rather malicious after her failure to fully warn me of the effects of the medicine.

I turned on the car, seeing Celestia jump a bit from the new noise, then I turned on my stereo and slowly raised the volume before switching to my CD. "What, you've never been in a car before?" I asked, and she shook her head silently, gripping the "oh-shit handle" next to her. 

I hit play and the first track started playing. As the guitar rev began I matched it with the car's engine, warming the Banana-mobile up. As the main guitar kicked in, I started to peel out, and as the main riff began I let up and allowed the tires to catch on the road. My car lurched forward with enough force to slam Vinyl and Octavia into the backs of their seats. "YEEEEAH!" I yelled as we hauled ass down the street towards the freeway. As I hit the on ramp, the lyrics began. I was pretty sure that Celestia and Octavia had wet themselves, if the smell from the back seat was anything to go by. Vinyl, however, was headbanging to the beat of the music as I gunned the engine when we got onto the 101. I was doing all manner of stupid things, weaving in and out of traffic and leaving the lunch rushers in my dust. I cackled maniacally when Celestia began to beg me to slow down. Instead, I flipped up my center armrest to reveal a steel bottle with a familiar orange label. I opened up the valve and uncovered a series of switches as well as a red button where the mobile power supply used to be. I flipped up all but one of the switches and looked back to the screaming ladies in the back seat.

"You might want to hold onto something stable. I'm about to show you why I call this monster the 'Banana-mobile from Hell', and it may get a bit, uh, violent..." I returned my full attention to the road as we approached the straightaway leading from Calabasas to Thousand Oaks. I pressed the red button and out surroundings became little more than a blur as we rocketed down the freeway at almost 250 miles per hour. I saw the turn-off for Ventura and cut the NOS before taking the exit. We made there in one piece, though Octavia and Celestia were still holding onto each other for dear life. I slowed down to human speeds as we approached the exit. I navigated my way to the mall and pulled up in front of the entrance nearest to the food court. When I stopped, I think that Celestia and Octavia broke the fastest record for exiting my car after my early morning mania. Vinyl stepped out at a normal speed, seemingly unfazed by my psychotic driving. until I saw her stumble a bit.

"Oops..." She said, blushing. I laughed a bit at her plight. "It's not funny!" She snapped. I continued laughing as I pointed at Celestia and Octavia, both of which were curled up in fetal positions and extremely pale, presumably from the fear they'd experienced from my maniacal driving. "Poor 'Tavi..."

"I'd be more worried about the Princess if I were you." I laughed. I walked over to the aforementioned woman and put my hands under her arms and lifted her to a standing position. I should have expected what came next, but I was still in a state of inconsolable mirth. So I didn't see Celestia's closed fist flying toward my face until it was about to make contact. I didn't think a Princess could hit so hard, much less one who appeared to do so little physically, since I felt my nose almost break, instantly thankful for the years of smacking my face into much harder surfaces. As it was, I was sent flying for a few feet.

Vinyl rushed over to me, panicked at seeing me damaged. "Are you alright!?" She almost screamed. I wasn't exactly seeing straight though...

I moaned as I opened my eyes, then I saw Vinyl leaning over me, but I also saw two more of her. All three Vinyls were wearing a distinct expression of worry. "Hey..." I said dizzily. "Now I have three times the sexy worried about me..." My head wouldn't stop spinning as I tried to refocus my vision. That was easier said that done, since I felt the invisible force of magic lift me into the air. I looked over to a very angry looking Celestia. I waved lazily before addressing the Princess. "Hi, scary lady with the sledgehammer fists!" I then noticed that my glasses, which used to be on my face, were now snapped in two and lying on the ground where I used to be. "Dammit... Those were Oakley's, too..." I felt Celestia's magic release me, and I caught myself before walking over to pick up the remains of my sunglasses. "Good thing there's a Sunglass Hut here, eh?" I said cheerfully before pulling out my backup glasses, which were simple black biker shades.

"How many of those do you have?" Octavia asked as she recovered from her catatonia.

I adjusted my glasses, looking at the cellist. "Enough." I said before making my way toward the mall. I stopped almost immediately and looked at the three women, Vinyl would be fine, since I could just pass her off as a punk rocker or something similar. Octavia, however...

"Why are you looking at me like that?" She asked nervously. I sighed before replying.

"Lose the coat, the bowtie, and mess your hair up a little bit." I looked back to Vinyl. "You're fine, just watch the pony grammar." Then I looked at Celestia and shuddered.

She glared at me harshly in response. "What was that for? I can't be that outlandish."

I lowered my sunglasses and gave Celestia a flat look. "You have multicolored hair that moves of its own volition, your dress looks like something out of the 1500's of this world, and you have an irrevocable air of authority. The best you could do is cover up your hair," This only intensified Celestia's glare as I continued. "And we could probably get you a much less formal set of clothing. Maybe a business suit..."

"Absolutely not!" She exclaimed, and I could feel the flare of sun magic as her temper rose. "This is a perfectly acceptable form of attire and..." I felt a small amount of satisfaction when I cut her off yet again.

I returned the glare in the same fashion as at Club Pon-3. "Shut up and listen." I snapped with the same authority that she had tried to display seconds before. "I don't care if you're thousands of years old and know everything about how your world works, but this is my turf. I know almost everything about basic interaction on Earth, and you will stick out more than a noble at a rock farm if you don't choke down your self-righteous bullshit and try to blend in!" Celestia was almost red in the face by the time I finished chewing her out. I could see her aura flaring in restrained fury.

"You would dare to speak to me in that way?" Celestia seethed. "I am royalty..."

"You are a guest in my gods-forsaken home dimension. I don't care if you're a deity, you need to shut up and try to blend in or else we'll have unnecessary attention from all the wrong people." I could feel my own temper starting to rise, since the air around me seemed to get colder. I knew that I had a high threshold for being pissed off, and hadn't had an incident since before high school. I wasn't going to let this woman break that streak, so I choked down my own building anger. I still let a bit of venom tinge my voice when I spoke again. "We're going in there. The story is that you were at a LARP festival or something similar." I pointed to Vinyl and Octavia. "They are your nieces, twin sisters with different tastes." I then pointed to myself. "I'm going to come up with something on the spot when the situation arises."

"And just what makes you think that your story will be so easily bought by everypony... I mean everybody else?" Octavia asked, crossing her arms now that she'd dressed down a bit. She didn't touch her hair, but now she was wearing dark grey slacks and her blouse without the tie. She'd even unbuttoned the top two buttons for a slightly more casual appearance. "Vinyl and I look nothing alike and Her Highness doesn't resemble either one of us!"

I groaned at Octavia's objections before saying. "You're adopted." I then signaled for all three women to follow me. "That's the story we stick to. Deviate and we're screwed." We all walked to the front entrance, receiving the occasional odd look. I opened the door and gestured for the women to enter before me.





Vinyl and Octavia had already become familiar with the human world, so they stepped onto the escalator and ascended without further incident. Celestia, however, looked as if she was about to have a panic attack at the sight of moving stairs. "This is Discord's magic!" She said to me in a hushed tone. I rolled my eyes and guided her to the motorized staircase, gently pushing her as a step appeared, steadying her as she was about to fall. I stepped on almost immediately afterward, making sure the Princess didn't have an actual breakdown in the middle of the Pacific View Mall. As we reached the top, I lightly lifted her over the stop point and set her down on the static floor.

I watched as she wobbled a bit, and when she steadied herself I walked over to the Sbarro nearby and placed my order for a large vegetarian pizza. I would have ordered something with meat, but the thought bothered me a bit and I was craving veggies like nobody's business. I walked over to a larger table and sat down, pulling out my iPod to connect to the wi-fi. When the connection was established, I sent a message to Luke letting him know how the first night had gone as well as the majority of this morning, leaving out the incident with Vinyl and Celestia's appearance. I received a reply shortly after.

"Why haven't you answered your phone, then? I almost called the cops to track you down! Enrique let me know what happened with that dirtbag Mikael. Good work, by the way. Now the L.A.P.D. wants to offer you a job."

"If they call you about that again, tell them I said to piss off. You know what I do in my spare time. It may not be illegal, but they certainly don't appreciate their officers being involved in our covert nonsense." I typed the last bit with some irritation before sending the reply. I put my phone away when I saw Vinyl and Octavia walking towards me, coming from the Hot Topic nearby.

"What's up, Bass Drop? You look mad." Vinyl said as she sat down next to me, her glasses pushed on top of her head. "Something to do with last night?"

I sighed before pulling out my own glasses on setting them on the table. "Apparently my boss has been going crazy since Ricky told him about what happened last night." I leaned back in my chair, stretching my arms over my head before a loud pop came from my back. "The police want me to work for them, but I like what I do... Sorta."

Vinyl gave me a perplexed look, then she shrugged and looked around. "Where's Princess Celestia?" She asked, a bit of worry painting her expression that quickly turned to irritation when I laughed.

"She's probably still freaking out over the escalator." I then saw that the order at Sbarro was ready. "Hell yeah! Food's ready!" I walked over to the counter and picked up the box, nodding my thanks to the cashier. I pulled out a twenty from my wallet and handed to her. "Keep the change." I said, receiving a smile in return. I walked back to the table and had to avoid a few teenagers that were chatting and ignoring their surroundings. When I almost bumped into one of them, I said a quick "Pardon me." before continuing towards the table. Before reaching my destination, I grabbed a few paper plates, then I set the box down and saw that Celestia had found her way to our little group.

She gave me a confused look when I sat down. "What is that?" She said, sniffing the air. "It smells... different." I opened the box to reveal a massive pie of crust, sauce, cheese, veggies, and a satisfying amount of empty calories. "It looks disgusting!"

I raised an eyebrow before I saw Vinyl and Octavia's eyes widen as they pulled slices of their own from the pie. I retrieved a piece of pizza, folded it down the middle, and tore into it. I never remembered vegetables tasting this good on pizza, so I moaned with a small amount of delight. Considering this was the fist thing I'd eaten since dinner the previous night, I was starving. I watched as Celestia looked at the pizza with minor disgust. I spoke after a few bites. "It ain't gonna bite you, Princess. If anything, the worst you have to worry about is the potential mess." My point was proven when a small drop of grease fell from my own slice and landed on my plate. As Celestia continued to glower at the food, I narrowed my eyes and used a phrase my parents and many other parents had most likely used for many years. "Picky eaters starve, now eat the damn pizza."

Both Vinyl and Octavia gasped at my continued flippant disregard for formal decorum, while I stared down the Princess until she relented and took a small slice from the box. I watched with interest as she held the pizza over her plate and took a small bite. At her expression, I internally cheered at the victory of converting another individual to the dark side of food. She then posed a question that I never expected from anyone.

"What do you need to make this?" She said after swallowing her third bite.

I took a deep breath before referring to my old semi-useless knowledge of cooking. "The crust is made in a similar manner to bread, the toppings, however are a melange of crushed tomatoes that are eventually turned into a sauce, which is then spread on the crust. Mozzarella and Parmesan cheeses layered on top of the sauce make up the glue that holds any number of toppings on the pizza itself, which can range from the vegetables you see here, to some fruits that taste admittedly good when cooked, and most people in America like to put various kinds of meat in tandem with either of the previous two. After all of the toppings have been laid down, the pizza, which is referred to as a "pie" in its whole form, is put in an oven at anywhere from 375 to 450 degrees Fahrenheit for approximately thirty minutes. After the baking is done, a circular or even a semicircular blade is used to cut the pie into semi-even slices. And voila," I took a bite of my own slice. "You have pizza."

I looked around to see all three women looking at me in amazement. I didn't think that making pizza was that big of a deal, but they looked as if I'd spoken the words of some great prophecy. Even Celestia looked as if she was about to kiss me. I stood up, about to go get drinks, when I was shoved from behind by someone. I stumbled a bit and turned around to see one of those teenagers that I'd almost knocked over.

"You think you're cool, huh? Hangin' out with this hot pieces of ass and not sharing?" The kid said. He looked to be Hispanic and no older than sixteen. "I don't think you deserve such fine women, puto. I think the one with the blue hair should do real nice..." He had a lecherous grin on his face. This kid couldn't have possibly known exactly what he was about to get into, but he was talking about Vinyl like she was a prize to be won.

I shrugged my coat off, hearing the sound of the armored sections thumping on the ground. "Listen, kid. I don't want any trouble, and my girlfriend here," I put a hand on Vinyl's shoulder for emphasis. "Is just trying to enjoy a day out with her mother and sister." At this I nodded toward Celestia and Octavia respectively. I glowered at the teenager before continuing. "I would very much appreciate it if you would leave us all alone. I'd rather not cause a scene." I had my right hand hovering near the knife on my belt, just in case the brat in front of me was armed.

"Cause a scene?" The kid repeated, walking up to me and trying to get in my face. Unfortunately for him, he was almost a foot shorter than me, so I was forced to look down when he was less than a foot away. "Nah, we ain't gonna cause a scene." I saw his hand move toward his pocket before I caught the slight glint of metal. My free hand grasped the knife, ready to draw. Then I saw this little toy of a butterfly knife. I couldn't help but snort in derision at the tiny blade. This seemed to piss off the teen further, since he held the knife up to my face. At that point, I slowly drew my own knife, which was barely within the legal limits of my open carry license. I continued to move slowly, keeping eye contact with the kid, who was sneering as if he'd won. Then I held the point of my own blade against the crotch of his pants.

"I don't think you want to move, kid." At this I looked down slightly. He followed my gaze and his eyes widened at the six inches of black painted steel pointed at his manhood. He quickly put his own knife away, but didn't move otherwise. "Good, you're smart. Now, go back to your buddies and tell them that these three," I twitched my head toward the Equestrians again. "Are off limits, and if they attempt to pull what you just did, they won't ever need to worry about impregnating their cousins ever again." I leaned forward, almost past the teenager's face, and growled into his ear in the single best impression of an MTI I'd ever managed. "Do you understand me, stronzo?" I leaned back to a standing position and proceeded to glare in an almost demonic fashion until I received an affirmative nod. I removed the knife and put it back in the sheath on my belt. As I kicked my coat up with my heel, I let the stock of my pistol flash into the kid's view momentarily, eliciting a small squeak of terror.

"Bass Drop, be nice!" Vinyl said when my glare hadn't softened. I sniffed the air and looked down. The poor kid had pissed himself. I sighed and put a hand on his shoulder before walking him back to his friends.

I handed him an unused temporary debit card that had about a hundred dollars on the balance. "Here." I said, looking at him with a slightly less intense glare. "You're not gonna want to walk around in piss-stained pants all day. Just don't forget what I said, yeah?" I'll admit, I had my values, and I would stand by them until death. However, cruelty was not in my nature. I'd been bullied enough to know what it could do to someone. I lightly pushed the Hispanic kid toward his group of friends, and I heard him trying to spin some wild tale before I interrupted. "By the way, kid." He looked at me with a small amount of fear. "Max Cross, ex-Air Force and current security and sound specialist at Club Pon-3. Come by when you're old enough to know the difference between an easy mark and one you should just let go." With that, I turned around and walked back to the table. I reached for another piece of pizza, only to find it was all gone.

At my slightly shocked look, I heard a small burp from Celestia. I looked over at her to see her trying to act demure and covering her mouth. "I'm so sorry!" She said. "But I simply couldn't help myself!" I hung my head before sitting down and resting my forehead on the table after pushing my plate out of the way.

"That was an extra large pizza..." I groaned. "It was meant to feed six people..." I looked over to Vinyl and Octavia, who looked as shocked as I was. "How many pieces did you two have?"

"One each..." They chorused.

That was one of the first times in several years that I had beat my head in frustration.
> Murphy's Law
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	The original coining of the term "Murphy's Law" took place in 1949  when a technician infuriated his supervisor, Air Force Captain Edward Murphy, after which Murphy said, in reference to one of the technicians on his team, "If there's more than one way to do a job, and one of those ways will result in disaster, then he will do it that way." This unfortunate trait has passed down through the Air Force, leading to many silly rules the were created as a result of Airmen doing one or more things that break their equipment, themselves, or other people. That luck seemed to have passed to me in the last year.

I mention such a development due to the fact that in the last two days I had nearly been shot, almost got raped by a woman that I found out was from a completely different dimension, stared down a deified figure from said dimension, been drugged with a pill that sent me into a minor seizure and apparently severed my connection with Earth's leylines in an attempt to unlock my "magic potential", and finally had to fend off a teenager that threatened to stab me.

If something can go wrong, it will.





I'd sat down outside the changing rooms and tried to take a nap. The employees had several objections to that particular choice. I'd already bought my new glasses, so my red-tinted glare sent most sales associates and a manager away. When the security personnel came by. I told them that I was "waiting for my girlfriend's mother and sister to hurry the hell up." This ceased any further annoyances, which allowed me to get about an hour of shut-eye before Vinyl tracked me down.

"Hey! Wake up!" She said, poking my cheek. I lightly swatted her hand away and tried to return to my nap until I felt her magic lift my glasses off. The searing light from the fluorescent lamps burned through my eyelids. I groaned and covered my face with a hand before feeling Vinyl pull on the limb to force me to stand up. "Come on, get up." She said as I was lifted to my feet. I glowered at her before snatching my glasses out of the air and putting them back on.

"Octavia and Celestia aren't done yet, though..." I groaned when I stretched. I looked around to see Celestia walking toward the changing rooms with the scariest stack of clothing I'd ever seen. I'm only slightly above average height, but her findings towered above my head. I swear that I felt my wallet trying to claw its way out of my pocket. I started panicking when I saw Octavia appear with an equally large stack. "Madre degli dei..." I quietly cried. "I need to limit them to only a few outfits..."

Vinyl looked over to see what I was looking at, and I hoped that she wouldn't get the same idea. That hope was in vain when she let out a girlish squeal and disappeared into the Pacific View Mall.





I didn't realize that I was looking at the inside of my wallet in misery until Vinyl nudged me with her hip. I was shaken from my stupor and wished that I had been left to sulk when I noticed that I was about to fulfill my other duty as unofficial boyfriend.

"Here you go!" Vinyl chirped happily. I silently took the bags from Vinyl. She managed to get more clothes than Celestia and Octavia combined. The former had settled for a few outfits similar to the latter. Vinyl, however, had made her way to Hot Topic again. I cursed in Russian when I felt just how heavy the bags were. I wondered how she'd paid for this when I remembered that she was a DJ in a club near Los Angeles. There was no way she would want for money.

I continued to curse my misfortune while Vinyl held onto my arm. I was beginning to think that she was getting a little bit too into the "girlfriend" role. I looked over to her and could see her blush, even through my red glasses. Then that smell reached my nose again, and I made the connection. My senses had been enhanced by that drug that Celestia had slipped me, to the point that I could now consciously smell Vinyl's pheromones. I blushed when I made this realization, leaning a bit against Vinyl. I could see her blush intensify, but she didn't move away. We sat like that while waiting for Celestia and Octavia to come out of the store.





When they did, I looked over Celestia's new outfit. It consisted of an outfit similar to Octavia's old clothes, but she had somehow found a pair of pink capri pants instead of slacks and she'd donned a tanktop shirt. Octavia had switched her style a bit more drastically, opting for something similar to Vinyl's own outfit, albeit with much less exposed cleavage. Both women looked like they were ready to leave, so I stretched a little bit.

I tried to stand, only to find my arm in a vice-like grip. I looked down to see Vinyl sleeping on the bench we'd sat down at outside the store. I chuckled as I sat back down, poking Vinyl on the cheek to wake her up. Instead of waking up, however, she decided to tighten her grip. I sighed before putting my free arm under her legs and carried her bridal style to the car. I nodded to the people who were pointing at me and mumbling to each other when they saw me carrying Vinyl. By the time we were halfway to the car, Vinyl had moved her grip from my arm to my neck, nuzzling into my chest as I walked.

"Is she...?" Octavia began.

"Sleeping." I replied. "She seems to think I make an excellent sleeping surface. You may have to drive if we can't get her off my neck." Octavia's eyes widened in fear at the prospect of driving my demon car. "Unless you want to wake the nocturnal magic-wielding DJ up?" I asked, raising an eyebrow. I received a wide-eyed stare and rapid shaking of Octavia's head in response. I dug the digital key from my pocket and handed it to Octavia, smiling apologetically before getting into the car. I had to position Vinyl in such a way that she wouldn't accidentally break my neck if she tightened her grip again, which resulted in me being forced to strap her into the middle seat. I once again tried to pry her loose, to no avail. I then had a bright idea. I turned my head so that I was facing Vinyl, less than an inch from her face. I choked down my ideas while slowly slipping my neck from her grasp. I was carefully to not let anything get within her reach. I then felt a tugging on my trench coat.

Vinyl had woken up halfway, just enough to grasp the middle of my coat. I shrugged off the coat and removed my pistol from the holster before letting Vinyl take possession of my only cold weather clothing. I sighed in relief when I didn't feel any further pulling on my body. I gave the thumbs-up to Octavia, who gratefully handed me the key before scrambling to sit next to Vinyl in the back. I looked in to see Celestia cheerfully seated shotgun, obviously not remembering her latest experience with my driving. I sat down in the drivers seat and closed the door.

"Everyone is here then?" Celestia asked with a smile on her face, which bothered me more than a little bit. I nodded slowly, hoping she wasn't planning anything drastic. Fate just likes to kick me between the legs sometimes, since I saw Celestia's aura through my glasses, indicating her use of magic. "Good!" She said happily.

To anyone who wishes to try teleportation, you're a crazy fool. The concept of teleportation relies on at least partially being in two places at once for a split second. This usually results in a similar lurching feeling to that which one gets when they are bungee jumping and they hit the bottom of their fall. Take that feeling and multiply that by ten for every hundred feet, and you have teleportation. You have that math down? Now take that and consider the fact that I had just experienced my first instance of teleportation over a distance of nearly sixty miles.

As soon as we appeared in front of the club, I jumped out of the car, found the nearest trash can, and vomited for a good five minutes. Even after that, I was so dizzy that I couldn't see anything straight, my body felt like it had been put through a garbage compactor then rapidly decompressed in the blink of an eye. On top of that, even my aura sight still had minor afterimages from Ventura. Basically, I had just been severely abused physically by my first true exposure to magic. In between my heaving I was spewing curses in Russian, Italian, and English. Even my worst bike crashes hadn't messed me up this much.

I felt a hand on my back and looked to see Celestia smirking at me. "One does not get into a prank war with the Equestrian Princess of the Sun, Maximus Cross." She smiled sweetly after those words and walked inside, bags in hand, while I continued to suffer through my sickness.





When I recovered, I returned to the car to carry Vinyl into the club. She released my coat and wrapped her arms around my neck as I unbuckled her seat belt. I lifted her out of the car and used my foot to close the door when I walked away. I still felt sick from the teleportation, but pushed down the bile in my throat when I reached the door. However, I didn't calculate how do open the door. Since I couldn't use the so-called "magic" that Celestia's evil little pill had supposedly unlocked. I then tried putting one leg up against the wall to support Vinyl was I reached for the handle, only to be just short of my mark. I put my arm back under Vinyl's legs and sighed dejectedly.

At that moment, Octavia walked outside, presumably to check on me. I looked at her miserably while I stood in front of her, holding Vinyl's sleeping form. "Can I carry her in now?" I asked pitifully, giving her a begging look. She smiled apologetically and silently gestured for me to walk inside. As I passed the bar, I saw that it was a few hours from opening time for Club PON3. I started to panic, wondering if Vinyl would wake up in time. I knew that Octavia had no experience with the DJ position, and Celestia would be even less help. 

When my thoughts turned to the Princess, I looked around, trying to spot her. She was nowhere to be found. I set Vinyl down on the couch in the manager's office, somehow managing to loose her arms from around my neck. She shifted a bit in her sleep, obviously uncomfortable, and I felt bad just leaving her there. However, I had to try to find the Princess and interrogate her further on the situation.

I wandered around the club, searching every single space possible for Celestia. When my search proved fruitless, I groaned in exasperation until I spotted Octavia looking at me in confusion. I walked over to her, rubbing my temples to soothe the growing headache I'd developed. "Where's Princess Celestia?" I sighed, exasperation lacing my voice.

Octavia's eyes widened. "She left some time ago." She said. "I believe she said that her next destination was some place called "San Antonio", which she also said you would be familiar with." I groaned as I heard the name of the Earthly incarnation of the Seventh Circle of Hell. I hated the city of my birth almost as much as I hated the colder states in the Northern US. "I take it that you aren't particularly fond of it, then?" Octavia asked, backing away from me a bit.

"I spent two months there getting yelled at by a bunch of overly enthusiastic gym teachers that the Air Force likes to call Military Training Instructors." I grumbled in irritation. "I also spent those two months baking in the hottest summer in recorded Texas history. So, no, I don't really appreciate that city."

Octavia crossed her arms and I saw her look over to the clock, just as I had when I brought Vinyl inside. The same panic lit up her purple eyes. "HOW WILL WE WAKE UP VINYL?!" She screamed at a deafening volume. "Oh, dear. if she doesn't wake up, what will we do?"

I chose that moment to forget what Vinyl had told me about the alcohol, pulled out the Everclear, and poured a tall shot of the liquid. I tossed back the shot, feeling the usual discomforting sensation from the nearly pure ethyl alcohol burning my throat. I followed it with a can of Monster before walking to the DJ station. "I have a job to do, regardless, Miss Octavia. I'll get the stage set and the speakers wired while you wake up our sleeping musician." I got to work with my solo diagnostics, performing a mass sound check with an Excision track from my iPod. When the bass "test" started up, I could feel the vibration through my hands, grinning like an idiot. I raised the volume after the initial section and brought the subs up to about thirty percent capacity from their usual ten. If the death by bass didn't wake Vinyl up, I had only one more idea, but didn't want to use it in a public facility and potentially destroy the speakers. After about fifteen minutes and no sign of Vinyl, I paused the track and walked back to the manager's office, only to find Octavia still attempting to wake her friend up, and Vinyl still sleeping with a cheesy grin on her face.

I narrowed my eyes and picked her up, slinging the DJ over my shoulder. I walked out to the main floor, dragged one of the chairs out to face directly towards the entire main speaker system. I propped Vinyl up in the chair, making sure she wouldn't move when I released her. Satisfied with my work, I walked back up to the station, and noticed for the first time a REALLY BIG red button, which was labelled "Wake-up." I wondered exactly what it went to, so I opened up the access panel to the console and saw that the button was hard wired to the entire bass range with a capacitor for each of the speakers on the outgoing wires, and a separate power supply for the button itself that was hooked up to a set of wiring that I couldn't trace.

I closed the panel and looked over the top of the console. Vinyl was still out cold, so I figured I could break new tech rule number one: never push the red button. I yelled at Vinyl one last time, received no response, and sighed before donning the soundproofed headphones. I muttered a quick plea for forgiveness to the gods and slammed my palm into the button. I heard a series of whirring noises, even through the headphones, and couldn't help but look down. I gaped upon seeing a genuine Bass Cannon powering up, the blue glow scaring me a bit.

"Now I am become bass, destroyer of hearing..." I whispered, not hearing my own voice when the music started, I watched as Vinyl was sent sliding back and her glasses were blown off her face with the concussive force. Her red eyes snapped open just before she flew over the back of the nearest couch. I pushed the button again, powering down the system. I removed the headphones and rushed down to make sure Vinyl was alive.

Remember how I mentioned Murphy's Law?  At the moment that I caught sight of Vinyl, the "legalized moonshine" I'd consumed took effect. I don't know if it was the combination of the energy drink in my system and my overall adrenaline, or if it was sheer dumb luck, but my inebriation chose that moment to commence in full force. I fell over into a compromising position on top of the DJ, my face stopping less than an inch away from her own. I blushed deeply, cursing my luck, but at the same time catching a whiff of her hair, which still smelled like berries. I tried to make my own limbs respond, but my arms were locked and Vinyl seemed to lack any inclination to remove herself from under me.

We stared at each other for a few seconds, me in embarrassment, and her in apparent comfort. She chose then to lean upwards to kiss me, not failing to take advantage of my current state. We stayed there for a few minutes, her tongue attempting to demand entry into my mouth, which I stubbornly refused. Even while in a severe state of inebriation, I was in possession of the mood-killing knowledge that the club would need to be ready to open in less than an hour. I stole a glance at my watch, which was surprisingly visible past the veil of Vinyl's wild hair. It read as half past eight, and the rest of the staff had arrived during our shenanigans on the floor. I managed to force myself away from Vinyl, receiving a disappointed look from the DJ until I turned my wrist to show the time. Her own eyes widened, and she moved to get up while I stumbled a bit, trying to find out why gravity had decided to make me its bitch.

"How long was I out, Bass Drop?" She asked, holding onto my shoulders to stabilize me while I wavered dangerously, unable to stand up straight for more than a few seconds. I felt my ability to stand fail me as I dropped to the ground. "Oh, no..." She muttered, facepalming as she looking at the giddy grin that had somehow plastered itself onto my face. "You didn't listen to me, did you? What did you drink?"

I tried to make my speech center cooperate, I really did. But my constitution for alcohol had basically taken a vacation. What was supposed to come out as "Everclear" ended up sounding more like "Mega queer", but with a lot more slurring. The perplexed look I received only further reiterated the stupidity of my decision. I tried to speak again, with about the same level of success. "Va botto wif nahndy pasent alkamahol." Holy hell, was I drunk. I tried standing again, but gravity had other plans, since I went from almost standing to face-planting straight into Vinyl's chest. My oxygen supply was of no consequence since I felt Vinyl's magic lift me into the air and carry me to the manager's office. Yeah, Murphy hated me today...

As soon as I made contact with the couch, I blacked out.
> Dreaming of Fate
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	A blackout is usually just that, a black-out, where the majority of conscious cognitive processes cease until awakening. I cursed my luck more than a few times in the last two days, so why not keep up the combo, right? I hadn't had a single deep sleep cycle in over ten years and upon that particular instant, my body decided that "advanced recovery mode for shock and overall trauma" would have to come with a new dreaming feature.





My dreams were never normal, they consisted of vague images and occasionally full blown events that I would forget until they somehow took place in the real world. I referred to this phenomenon as "trigger-flashing", since it seemed to take a specific moment, or trigger, to allow me to recall an entire small event. I'd resigned myself to this particular curse by the time I was fifteen. Pondering why I was cursed with a nasty case of precognition induced headaches 

This dream was different, somehow. The colors were less vibrant and more attuned to the hues that I was attuned to during my waking hours. I wandered around a landscape of dusty winds and rocky terrain until I came upon a woman, whose hair seemed to flow like Celestia's, but on a much calmer wind than that of the solar winds. I approached her, identifying the sparkling blue hair that shimmered like the night sky, a dark hued dress that reflected the darker tones of the middle of the nocturnal phase of time. Her face was young and pale, closer to my own age than Celestia's, but her eyes still bespoke of many centuries of experience and pain, despite her near-adolescent appearance.

As I approached, I became aware of the raw emotions that seemed to pour off this young lady, who I had finally identified as Luna, Princess of the Moon, and Ruler of the Dream Realm. I figured that it was only fair that I would be faced with the only near-deity whose domain I was almost never a patron to. Being an insomniac was never a comfortable fate, having been placed before me from the age of merely six years old. I rarely slept comfortably, much less entered a cycle that allowed the almost prophetic dreams to plague my mind, resulting in a colossal headache for the rest of the superseding day. But I digress.

I won't lie, she was a very pretty young lady, despite the distant look in her eyes. I watched her for a short time, observing the way she gazed out at the Earth's sky, as my own psyche had rendered it. She seemed enamored by the sheer volume of stars and potential constellations that were scattered across the night sky. I approached her slowly, ensuring that my feet were generating at least some sound in my own mental projection of the world. I stood next to the Princess silently, merely choosing to sit next to the humanized pony. She and I gazed out to observe my rendition of the night sky of my own dimension, my own gaze being constantly drawn either to Orion or the impossibly placed Aquarius. both of which normally existed in the night skies of opposing hemispheres.

"Thy night is most interesting." She said, regarding me. "'Tis filled with a great multitude of stars and stories. Prithee, what is the name of yon constellation?" She pointed up to the sky, and I followed her gaze.

I saw several stars, but made out one shape. "It's called the Big Dipper." I replied, looking back to Luna. "The star at the end of the handle, the brightest one you can see, is called Polaris. It's one of our Northern stars, the other one being Vega." I pointed to each star as I spoke.

Luna looked at me, her face a mask of impassive resolve. "Dost thou know of our plight?" She inquired, a flicker of sadness flashing across her face. "Of the invaders that plague our home?"

My aggression flared at the reminder of the Changelings. I saw a medium caliber weapon begin to materialize next to me. I identified it as and M280 from Halo. I stood, grabbed the rifle, charged it, and waited until the silhouettes of several Changelings appeared in the sky. "I imagine they make good target practice," I said, raising the rifle and bringing it to bear on the approaching illusions. I squeezed the trigger, unleashing a short burst on my first target. The shots made contact, turning the Changeling into airborne puree. I continued firing until every one of them was blasted out of the sky. "But, knowing you, that isn't the course of action you want to take." I set the weapon down and returned my attention to the Princess.

She seemed surprised that I had displayed such violence. "Is thy temperament a result of war? Or might it be linked to something else?" She sat next to me, patting on the grassy terrain next to her. I sat next to her again, keeping an arms length between myself and the Lunar Princess. "Such violence would normally have no place in Equestria, this is true. Despite such, we must ask thee of a favor." I raised an eyebrow at this. "Though our sister has most certainly bereft thee of a choice in thy new abilities, we are not so presuming as to force a decision."

I laughed suddenly. "Not giving me a choice is a euphemism if I ever heard one. She slipped me a pill and didn't tell me what it would do until it already hit my gastric acid." I began raising fingers as I counted off the moments where I was being tricked or uninformed. "Then she fails to sufficiently warn me before teleporting almost sixty miles and disappears while I'm puking up my entire stomach. Now I'm unconscious after imbibing in less that ten percent of my former regular consumption of alcohol and talking to a deity from a different dimension." I gave Luna a flat look before saying, "Needless to say, I have a bone to pick with Celestia, tragic invasion and forced migration to a separate dimension be damned."

She seemed shocked at my demeanor, which was a bit more sour than usual. "Dost thy opinion come from the unexpected?" She asked, her head tilting to the side a bit. My eye twitched as I tried to choke down my "D'aww" moment. "Art thou well? Thy face is contorting in a most unusual fashion..."

I sighed at her continued archaic speech. "Are you speaking that way out of habit, or are you just messing with me?" I rubbed my temples from the headache that sprouted from my attempt to translate her speech to modern English. "I'm quite aware of the fact that you are, in fact, capable of speech in a modern dialect."

"If it irks thou such, then perhaps practice is in order?" She giggled, a mischievous smirk appearing on her face. Yeah, she was screwing with me. Fine, she wanted to play? I'd play that game.

"If it pleases Her Majesty, I wouldst much prefer to parley in a more modern dialect of our shared language." I thanked the gods for the almost mind-numbing hours that I'd spent reading Shakespeare. "Failing such, our banter shall continue as such until thou art humored by mine plight." I crossed my arms and raised an eyebrow at the Princess, entertained by the new expression of shock on her face.

We stared at each other for a few minutes, trying to break one another's bearing. I was half tempted to use the same line that I had with Celestia, but opted for something else entirely.

"Thy face might remain in that expression if thou fails to change it." I said with a smirk.

Luna's face was a priceless mask of disbelief that quickly turned into an extremely amused grin. "I like you, Maximus Cross. You and all of the others that have come into the care of our subjects." Now it was my turn to look shocked. "You did not know there were others, and this is understandable. We have all worked hard to acclimate ourselves to your world."

I narrowed my eyes again. "If Princess Fireball-flank had told me about others, I could have started gathering others to our little army..." I fumed at the fact that Celestia had failed to supply necessary information, despite the obvious implications. If she wanted my help, she would have to tell me everything, not withhold key bits and hope that I'd just roll with it.

"While your name for my sister is most amusing," Luna giggled a bit at my coining of "Princess Fireball-flank", before turning serious. "It is your duty to learn the rest of your new abilities. Magic is not lost to your kind, merely forgotten as a result of your dependency on technology." She placed a hand on my shoulder, drawing me out of my ire briefly.

This was one of the first times I'd been forced to constantly think before I spoke in a long time, since I pondered her words for a moment before speaking again. "You say that I have more abilities, but I only noticed my aura sight never turning itself off. What other nonsense do I get to look forward to, hmm?"

The Princess smiled at my curiosity, or so I assumed. "Among other things, your eyes are merely the first of a few abilities afforded by your new-found affinity. The next thing you will need to learn about is something I am sure you have already noticed: your empathy." Luna's gaze softened as she continued. "You will notice that the feelings of others will become more apparent with practice, but you must also learn to control your own emotions. You will be easily influenced by those around you if you are not careful."

So that explained some of my attraction to Vinyl...

"You will also find that stronger emotions may have the same effects on those around you. As I have noticed, both Vinyl Scratch and Octavia Philharmonica have taken a notably stronger liking to you. Vinyl in the more romantic fashion, Octavia as more of a sibling."

Fuck...

Luna laughed out loud. "Your face is betraying your thoughts as clearly as if they were inscribed in a book!"

Double fuck...

At that moment, my dreamscape vibrated. I felt myself being dragged into consciousness from the outside. "Ah, it seems our time is at an end. I do hope you find more time to visit me, Maximus Cross.

I smiled before correcting her. "Just call me Max."

Luna returned the smile. "Max. I wish you the best of luck in your endeavor to find your calling and in acclimating to your new power. It is not easy to be aware and open to emotion, but I am sure you will learn to control it"

I felt the pull of consciousness again, stronger this time. I began floating away from Luna. "See you on the flip side, Your Majesty." I waved goodbye.

"Call me Luna!" She called back. Then everything turned white.
> Let The Games Begin
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	The human brain is and advanced mechanism, whose functions typically revolve around keeping the body. This normally includes a decision-making process in which pros and cons are weighed before and action is carried out. The other side of that is usually implemented as a form of retribution for failure to make the safer decision.

Hangovers are one such form of retribution, which come from failing to recognize the risks involved with imbibing in too much alcohol. They consist of migraines, continued balance problems, and nausea. I was about to learn that the hard way,,,





I awoke on the couch in Club PON3's manager's office for the second time in a row. However, this time was a bit different. As my hangovers normally consist of light sensitivity and dizziness, I was in a state of disarray that I failed to remember the important details from yesterday's events.

Like the fact that my aura sight had been given magical steroids...

Did you know that being able to see auras through closed eyes also means that light sensitivity carried over to that same second sight? I didn't, so I stumbled through the club, desperately looking for my glasses while being blinded from below by the Earth's leylines. I opened my eyes briefly to shut off the lights from below, only to walk headfirst into the closed door to the office. I groaned as I gripped the handle and opened the door, wandering drowsily out to the main floor. I didn't see anyone in the immediate area, but walked to the bar to get myself a glass of water. I made it two steps before I felt something slam into my back. I met the floor with a resounding crack, feeling whatever it was that hit me still lying on top of me. I finally caught the smell of blueberries and smiled slightly.

"Morning, Miss Scratch..." I muttered into the floor.

Vinyl lifted herself off of me and started spouting off a series of rapid apologies which I could barely understand. I was actually happy... to hear... her voice? Fuck me. Rule 27: no relationships with contract clients until the job is done. The problem with that, however, was that I didn't know how long the contract had been signed for, if it had been at all. I felt her small hands grab me by the waist and lift me up. I steadied myself, rubbing my head to alleviate the throbbing that had begun to arise from my sudden meeting with the hard floor. I felt myself being guided to a vaguely familiar spot in front of the DJ station.

"Wakey, wakey, Bass Drop!" I heard Vinyl's voice over the speakers. I looked up to see her standing at the station, her aura showing traces of mischievous intent. "The Princess said we have places to be!" I heard the whirring of gears and noticed a blue glow in front of me.

I groaned as I finally realized why this spot was so familiar. Hangover be damned, I can move fast when I want to, and I wasn't going to be on the business end of a bass cannon. I started towards the door, remembering how loud the music was when I fired it up the day before. I was too slow, however, since the concussive force of the cannon lifted me off my feet and flipped my over the same couch that Vinyl had been sent over when I woke her up.

"It's too early for this shit!" I yelled as I hit the floor again. My head started spinning, my sense of direction hopelessly compromised by my position. I squeezed my eyes shut, barely noticing the speakers powering down. When I opened my eyes again, I saw a slightly disheveled Vinyl Scratch standing over me, grinning like the Cheshire Cat. "Sadist..." I grumbled, as I attempted to stand, failing miserably.

Vinyl's grin only widened as she positioned herself on top of me, trapping my legs. "What do you mean, it's too early? You've only been asleep for ten minutes!" I blinked when she said this. How could I have been asleep for only ten minutes and still have a hangover? I should have been plastered at that point. Then I remembered 'Right, deities from another dimension... Luna probably purged my system of the alcohol while I was asleep.

I returned my full attention to Vinyl, who had moved her face closer than I would have normally been comfortable with. "Uh, son't we have work to... mmph!" I was cut off when Vinyl slammed her lips into mine. I don't really think my brain was ready for sober Vinyl trying anything like this, since I only stared dumbly at her when she released my mouth. "Don't we have to open the club?" I asked quietly, trying to catch a breath that I didn't know had been lost. She still tasted like blueberries, but I still had that annoying voice in the back of my head spouting off Rule 27 like there was no tomorrow.

"Hmm, nah." She replied with a smirk, still straddling me. I tried to push myself up, but she grabbed my arms and pinned them to the ground. "Uh-uh. You're gonna give me the attention I deserve."

I sighed, cursing my luck as I felt myself succumbing to the temptation of meeting one of my three basic needs. "One. This is not an appropriate location to be doing that." I started, feeling Vinyl's hands travelling south. "Two. Since one of us is not fully consenting, this is... OI! GET OUT OF THERE!" Vinyl had managed to unbutton my pants and was trying to pull them off, but I was trying to still be professional. I really wished that she wasn't so attractive, then this would be way easier. I thought of the only thing that might save me before I got into trouble. I yelled at the top of my lungs, "MISS OCTAVIA! I NEED AN ADULT!"

I only had to wait a few seconds before I felt myself being dragged out from under Vinyl. I scrambled to put my pants back on, watching as Vinyl tried to push past Octavia. I would have run, but I was being held in place by Vinyl's magic. She really was determined to get into my pants. I thought that it was supposed to be the other way around. Then I remembered something, a detail that would have normally not applied to humans, but Vinyl and Octavia were not originally human.

"I'm terribly sorry about this, Mister Cross!" Octavia said loudly as she held Vinyl back. "The Princesses never told us that some of our... other traits would carry over to this world." My eyes widened as my suspicions were confirmed. "Yes, she is, fact, in heat."

Those words are scarier than anything that I'd ever heard. I frantically tried to pull my legs free of the telekinetic grip they were in. I felt a strong tug in my gut again, and felt the force disappear. I didn't take the time to ponder this phenomenon. Instead I sprinted for the door and called over my shoulder, "Call me when she's sane again!" I made my way outside, jumped into my car, and locked myself in.

I thought about the situation I was now in and tried to work out a suitable course of action. 'The Princess could have at least given me come sort of warning...'

'And where would the fun be in that?'

Great, she could hear my thoughts now... Invasive bitch...

'That's not a very kind way to think of somepony, especially if they are simply trying to help.' Celestia's voice echoed in my head.

I figured she would come back to either interfere or help at some point, so I started the stream of questions. 'Answers. NOW' I said mentally. If Luna was right, then Celestia could at least give me a more acceptable rundown of my new situation.

I heard a sigh before Celestia began to speak to me again. This telepathy nonsense was starting to freak me out more than a little bit. 'Yes, Vinyl is in heat. Unfortunately, I can't stop her attraction to you. That was her choosing.'

'And if she tries to ride me into next week and fails to take the necessary precautions? I'm too young to be a parent, dammit!'

'That is something you will have to sort out with her. Your cousin seems to be taking his situation in a far better manner than you.' Celestia's smirk could almost be felt through the link. I shook my head ruefully.

'Who did you stick Jay with? He's more of a brony than me, and quite open about it, if I may add.' My cousin, Jay, was a bit... odd. He was a gamer, a musician, and he could out-drink me any day of the year. He also seemed to have so much of a multifaceted personality that we considered having him tested. He was a happy kid, but he also had to deal with bullying at his school. Poor kid was only seventeen.

'The Element of Laughter seems to be quite taken with him. She doesn't seem to appreciate the bullies any more than you do.' Oh, gods help him. He could be odd at times, but he was stuck with the violator of the fourth wall? That was a recipe for disaster...

I realized exactly what the new development meant and swallowed nervously. 'Uh, Princess...'

'Yes?'

'My little cousin is an amateur engineer...'

I could hear notes of nervousness tinging Celestia's voice. 'I'm aware of this. What has you so worried?'

I wondered if the Princess could look at mental images.

'I can...'

Mindreading sucks... But I thought back to the last rig that Jay had put together. It consisted of a series of car batteries, conductive metal rods, steel girders, and a dizzying amount of capacitors and delayed circuits.

The crazy fool had built a railgun from scrap. I had a mini-Tony Stark for a cousin, and he had been paired with a character known well for regularly violating the laws of physics.

'We might have a problem' I thought before my phone started ringing. I looked down to see who was calling. Only one person had that ringtone on my phone. 'Speak of the engineering devil, and he shall call...'

I picked up the phone and answered it. "Buona sera, genio folle." I groaned into the speaker. "I was just talking about..."

"Yeah, yeah. Not important, dude. Guess who's in my room right now?!" Excitable little idiot...

"Three guess rule?" I asked, rubbing my brow in exasperation.

"As always!" I could hear slightly high pitched giggling from the other end of the line, which made my hair stand on end.

"Ugh... fine. Bleeding Jesus?"

"Why do you always ask that?" He asked, clearly annoyed.

"I want an apocalypse, dammit. And it's not like Discord is gonna come banging down my door."

Celestia piped up at that. 'You might be surprised...'

'Can it, Princess. One conversation at a time' I didn't catch Jay's answer, but he did tell me to guess again. "Okay... Your new girlfriend? I heard giggling." I grinned evilly before continuing. "Remember, little cousin. No glove, no love..."

"Sh-shut up, Max!" I could picture him blushing up a storm. "Last guess, and make it good!"

Did he always have to be so enthusiastic about things? I practically had caffeine for blood and didn't spaz out as much as Jay. "Va bene. Last guess, you said?" I paused to make him think I was actually coming up with a good answer. "Before I guess, has anyone given you anything that may have, uh, had some unpleasant side effects?"

There was an extended silence on the other end of the line. I finally decided that I could mess with two people at once. What can I say? I'm evil like that. "Also, I'll give you any new video game you want, no rating or price limit, if you and Pinkie grope Celestia."

'You did not just... EEK!'

'That was for the unannounced teleportation, Fireball Flank.' I mentally smirked as I could all but see the look of shock and absolute disbelief on the Solar Princess' face. Jay spoke from the other end of the line, though now he seemed scared. "Uh, Max... Why did I just grope a goddess of the sun? Am I going to die?"

'You must be punished!'

"Jay... Run." I said before hanging up the phone and scrambling out of my car to get back to the club. Between an angry deity and a magic user in heat, I'll take the latter. I slammed through the door to see Vinyl was tied to a chair with several glasses floating around her. "Your Princess wants to kill me!" I yelled as I ran through the club. I frantically untied Vinyl and threw her over my shoulder. I turned to speak to her. "Second base, clothes stay on. No other rules" I could feel the joy radiating off the DJ and also felt something pinch my backside.

"We can do a lot with just second base..." She whispered into my ear. I was too scared to be turned on right now. I had a Princess that wanted to either kill me, or, at the very least, hurt me severely. I felt the ambient temperature rise and turned around to see Celestia glaring at me, her eyes glowing white.

I hate myself sometimes, because I say things that get me in even more trouble than I started in. "You wait your turn!" I yelled, before rushing into the manager's office, which seemed to be the only safe haven for the moment. I set Vinyl down and started blocking the door. Before I made any progress, however, the door was violently removed from its hinges. I looked to Vinyl for help, but she was cowering in a corner, her red eyes wide from fear at the sight of the vengeful deity in the doorway.

I believe the term I was looking for was... Fucked? Yes, I was quite fucked.

'You would dare to treat royalty as a mere plaything?!" Celestia thundered. I believe at that moment I pissed myself, be it from fear or the fact that the angry woman in front of me just generated a 4.5 earthquake from her yelling. "I will show you the error of your ways!" Duck and cover had never seemed so sane, since I managed to cram my entire body under the desk in the office.

'Please don't kill me, please don't kill me...' I thought as I waited for either divine wrath and excruciating pain, or blissful silence and death. I felt a strong force take hold of my body and try to pull me from my hiding spot. I stubbornly grabbed onto the desk, holding on for dear life. I didn't know this at the time, but the desk itself weighed three hundred pounds and was bolted to the ground. I weighed a little over two hundred and I was currently airborne. My chances of survival seemed very slim at this point.

Suddenly there was a loud bang from the main floor. I thought it might be a gunshot, but it wasn't one I was familiar with. I felt the magical grip release and saw Celestia turn around rapidly. I looked once again to Vinyl, and now she was borderline catatonic, so she wouldn't be any help. I pushed my way past Celestia and quietly took up a position behind a wall. I peeked out from my hiding spot to see several men in suits, none of which looked very happy, storming around the club, holding strange devices that gave off the occasional loud beep. I felt a presence behind me and turned around to see Celestia no longer angry, but worried.

"Not friends of your's, I assume?" I asked bluntly. Celestia shook her head in response. "Joy..." I watched as the men began to progress towards our location. I cursed myself for not grabbing my coat while I was in the car. Then I remembered my knife, or rather knives, that I had hidden all over my person. I gripped the handle of my combat knife and poised myself to charge, but Celestia shook her head. I released the knife and looked out to the floor again. I still didn't have my glasses on, so I could see their auras, even through the walls, albeit less clearly. I counted seven of them, two were maintaining their positions near the entrance, two were in the sound room, one was on the stage, and the last two were wandering around the main floor.

Celestia whispered to me, "I don't believe you have figured out any magic beyond your second sight, have you?" I shook my head, not bothering to correct the "magic" comment. I saw one of the men advancing directly towards us, but it appeared he hadn't spotted us in the dimly lit hallway just yet. "I will deal with him." Celestia said quietly. I saw her hand glow, and hear all of the devices beep loudly. My eyes widened and I smacked her hand down, trying to be as quiet as possible.

"They're still here!" The nearest suit called out, moving closer to the two of us. I slowly pulled out a smaller throwing knife. I flipped it so the blade was in my hand, ready to throw. He was less than ten feet away, and his device started going crazy.

I pulled my arm back and threw the weapon, watching it fly through the air to embed itself in his throat. That was now two people I'd killed defending these foreigners from a different dimension. Oh how I wished I could use Celestia's so-called magic. I pulled out another knife and my combat blade, ready to go crazy, when I heard a very distinct gunshot. I peeked my head around the corner to see one of the suits holding a Glock, pointing it to the ceiling and the muzzle still smoking. 'That's just not fair...' I thought as the men returned to the main floor, all with their weapons drawn. They almost reeked black ops or government, so I kept myself in the shadows. 'Is Octavia safe?' I thought toward Celestia.

She nodded. 'She is in the office with Vinyl as we speak.'

My eyes narrowed as I thought of a plan. I could try to take out all six remaining men, but that would leave me open to getting shot. I glanced to the dead man and spotted the grip of a pistol poking out from under his jacket. I didn't think I could make it without being seen, since he was still in the brightly lit main floor. Then I remembered my aura sight...

'Get her and Vinyl ready to run. I'm gonna try something stupid.'

Celestia's eyes widened, as she had obviously been listening to my plan. I positioned myself next to the light switch for the main floor, then nodded to Celestia, who crept back into the office. I put my smaller knife away, and took a deep breath. 'Eyes, don't fail me now...'

I looked around the club, creating a mental map of what I would need to avoid, then I reached for the light switch. I would need to avoid close contact with the armed men, but I would also need to get any credentials or some other ID off the dead one. I swallowed my nerves, muttered a prayer, and killed the lights.

The whole club went dark.

I could hear the panicked shouts of the men near the front, but I was patting down the dead man for anything I could find. I took his Glock and turned off the safety. I took aim at on of the closer auras, aiming for where I thought the heart was, and fired. I saw the aura blink out almost instantly. This little trick was coming in handy, but I needed to move. I felt my eyes adjusting to the dark quickly, my normally painful light sensitivity acting as a blessing in disguise. I moved toward the couch nearest to the DJ station, and aimed at another one of the auras.

Before I could fire off a shot, however, I felt myself being dragged back towards the office. I craned my neck to see Celestia's glowing aura flaring as she telekinetically pulled me inside. I then felt the tug of teleportation, and suddenly we were outside, directly next to my car. I didn't question Celestia, I just opened the driver's side door, jumped in, and started the engine. I flipped the NOS control panel open, and also turned on my GPS.

"Get us to Los Angeles!" Celestia ordered from the back seat. I looked around to see Vinyl riding shotgun and Octavia sitting almost ramrod straight in her own seat. Celestia was gripping the "oh shit" handle, knowing what was about to come.

"LAX, or...?" I started.

"YES!" She screamed in the Royal Canterlot Voice.

I slowly pressed down on the accelerator, driving towards the freeway, knowing the Suits would be after us before long. As soon as we were near the 101, I slammed the dreaded big red button. All four of us were slammed back into our seats as we sped towards L.A. I pulled out my new phone, which I'd bought at the mall, and punched in Luke's number.

He picked up almost immediately. "What is it? You break something again?"

"Cut the crap, Luke. Why are there armed men in suits at Club PON3?" I yelled over the car and Octavia's screaming. I switched the phone over to Bluetooth and placed it in one of the cupholders.

"Suits? What are you...?" I could tell he was about to avoid the question, so I cut him off.

"Ehi, stronzo! Se non mi dici cosa sta succedendo, ho chiuso con te!" I started yelling in Italian to let him know I was pissed. "I just had to bust my way out of there and my clients are scared out of their fucking minds!" I didn't need him knowing I shot someone... again.

"Listen, Cross. Just come back to MTA, we can figure this out." His voice was tinged with anxiety and a slight note of desperation.

"Nope. Bye." I hung up on the call. I growled angrily, fuming that the one person who I thought I could trust was now dodging questions. "So, where are we going from the airport? 'Cuz I'm not leaving my car behind."

Celestia sighed in resignation. I waited while we tore past L.A. and I started looking for the turn-off to go to Vegas. I wasn't worried about any personal belongings, since the only things I owned were the Titan, my gun, and the Banana-mobile, all of which were with me. All of my money was in the trunk in the form of either cold hard cash or gold. What can I say? I was careful, and cash couldn't be traced when I had to pay for car modifications.

"Who were those men?" Celestia asked as I finally cut the NOS and slowed down to eighty. I remained silent as I dug out the wallet and badge that I'd retrieved from the dead man. I handed both to the Princess as I continued driving, turning off to start in the direction of Las Vegas. I had no intention of staying in Sin City, but it was the first place on the way to Texas that I could feel remotely safe in. The Equestrians and I could easily pass as convention patrons, so I figured that would be a good place to rest.

"Agent Frank Samson, Central Intelligence Agency." Celestia read out loud. Fuck my luck, I'd killed.a fed. As if my day couldn't get any worse.

"Anything else?" I hoped that this guy was at least legitimate. Then I could say that he and his team failed to observe proper investigation practices, like prior notification...

"There's a phone number here." I held out my hand for the number. I took one quick look at it and swore. It was Luke's cell number. I crumpled the paper and threw it out the window. "Why did you do that!?" Celestia seemed alarmed.

I gritted my teeth and slowly responded. "That was my boss' number. He had a hand in this, somehow..." I shook my head to clear my thoughts. "Now, assuming you won't tell me where we're going, my current plan is to meet up with my little cousin in San Antonio. He may just be a kid, but he's also an evil genius."

Vinyl looked at me in confusion, as did Octavia and Celestia. "Your cousin?" They chorused.

I raised an eyebrow and looked at Celestia in the rearview mirror. "Yeah, the little brown-haired minor who I told to grope you?" Celestia's eyes flashed dangerously at the mention of that incident. "Jay's my little cousin. Jay Cross, engineer extraordinaire, as he calls himself." I felt a headache coming on again and winced a little in pain. "Hey, Vinyl." She was still looking at me. "Do you see the water bottle in the door slot next to you and the pill bottle next to it?" Vinyl looked over and nodded. "Hand me one of the pills and the water bottle." She opened the medicine bottle and doled out a single pill, which she seemed shocked at. Imagine a throat lozenge, now make it about ten percent bigger. That was the pill I was about to take. 1600 milligrams of ibuprofen did wonders for my headaches, which had become more frequent since Celestia had given me her little "supplement."

"What is that?" Octavia gasped as I held the pill between my thumb and forefinger.

I threw the pill in my mouth and took the water from Vinyl. I washed it down without too much trouble. "Ibuprofen. Makes my headaches take a vacation for a few hours at a time." I finished the water and dropped it into a trash bag in the back seat, still not taking my eyes off the road. "This is gonna be a long drive, ladies. You might want to get comfortable. We have a little over two hundred miles to cover."
> No Inhibitions, No Regrets
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. That's the popular line when going to the Sin City of North America, right? I was bound to get into more trouble than I was prepared for if I listened to that advice. Did I care? Hell, no. I was on the run from a federal agency that I suspected was on someone's payroll, and I needed a temporary source of income. I can't count cards to save my life, but I had other... skills that could now be put to good use, morals be damned.

I just hoped that none of the more unsavory types that resided in Las Vegas discovered my little ability...





"No." I snapped.

Vinyl tugged on my shirt as we wandered the floor of Caeser's Palace. "Come on! You know you can win!"

I was being asked to use my aura sight to essentially cheat at cards. Yes, I could sense the emotions of the people around me like a radar, and I could read people like open books, but I was not about to...

I heard Celestia sigh from behind me. "Just do it, Maximus. It's not like they can actually catch you."

That made two women trying to get me to play dirty. I had to step up my game if I wanted them to leave the subject alone. I had over fifty thousand dollars locked away in the trunk of my car, and I knew that would be enough to get us to San Antonio without any trouble. However, I made the mistake of telling Vinyl how Vegas gambling worked. Statistics and chance had almost no place in games where emotions were as good of an indicator as knowing what cards were on the table. I looked to Octavia pleadingly, hoping she would be the voice of reason.

"I agree with them." She pointed to Vinyl and Celestia, who were silently cheering.

Why did I put myself in such a predicament, one might ask?

Simple: men are stupid and women are evil.

I groaned and hung my head in resignation as I was dragged to the blackjack tables. I had a very bad feeling that this was going to not end well.





My suspicions were unfounded as I managed to slowly accumulate winnings, careful to moderate my "luck" so as to not arouse any attention from the casino's security teams. I kept my glasses on, but watched the reactions of the other players out of the corners of my peripheral vision. I knew that they were wondering how I managed to call almost every on of their bluffs, but not many people placed stock in the use of metaphysical auras as a method of reading people. I was up by almost twenty thousand and rising. I kept a wide area of awareness, looking for anyone who was watching me. I noticed a few individuals who hadn't left their own spot, perfectly in a line of sight with my seat at the tables. I signalled to the dealer that I was ready to cash out.

He looked at me suspiciously, but I was tired and showed it. Years of insomnia can create these wonderfully deceptive dark circles under one's eyes that don't fade for a very long time. Take that and add the fact that I was stressed, and it looked like I hadn't slept for days. He nodded to me and I threw my chips into a case to bring them over to the cashing booth, Celestia following closely behind me. I saw the group that had been watching me stand up and start towards an intercepting course. I subtly quickened my pace and pulled Vinyl and Octavia from the penny slots. I had a minor suspicion that Vinyl had been using her magic on the machines, since she struck a jackpot as soon as I walked up to the pair.

"I made about three months of my usual pay in less than three hours, happy now?" I grumbled while Octavia helped Vinyl scrape up the coins that were spilling out like a waterfall. I only received a cheeky grin in response, Vinyl's eyes obscured by her purple glasses. When they finished cleaning up the mess, Octavia dragged Vinyl away from the slots, receiving some assistance from Celestia. I managed to make my way to the cashing booth and gave the clerk my chips. His eyebrows raised at the sight of my winnings.

"You did well, I see..." He said slowly.

I shrugged in response. "My first time here, if you can believe it." I pointed back to Vinyl, who was still doing a minor victory dance. "My girlfriend over there did well on the penny slots, too. Her sister... not so much." I leaned in a little closer. "The guys that are walking over here," I nodded towards the now identified men in what looked like casual suits. "I don't know them, and they've been watching me for the last three hours. You mind calling security?" He nodded while sliding over several bundled hundred dollar bills. I nodded my thanks and slipped out one of the bills. "I'm gonna stick around for a bit, wave when you see security." I handed him the money, and he grinned, nodding his confirmation.

I walked back to the Equestrians, carrying my winnings. Vinyl's glasses dropped a little as she gaped at the bundles of money. "You won all of that?" She gasped. Both Octavia and Celestia seemed equally impressed. "Why did you leave if you were doing that well?"

I grabbed my backpack from next to the slots and threw the cash inside, putting a small lock on the zipper. I put on a fake smile while hugging Vinyl before whispering. "The guys in the suits over there? They haven't stopped watching me since I started winning big, and they reek of bad news." I released Vinyl and turned to Celestia. "I don't supposed you can read their minds, can you?"

The Princess shook her head. "I can only do that with people like you, who have been chosen by my subjects." I gritted my teeth a bit. I raised my sunglasses and looked around, slightly focusing on the group of men as I looked around. Their auras were all a foggy pink, which put me even more on edge. They were trouble, and I didn't bring my weapons with me. I looked over to the cash clerk and saw him wave slightly. I nodded towards him, and looked around for the security personnel.

"What can we help you with sir?" A voice said from behind me. I turned around slowly, and saw the earpiece the man in front of me was wearing. "You are the young man who called for security, correct?"

I nodded. "Those gentlemen in the corner over there," I twitched my head toward the group, who I had a feeling would not be there for long. "Have been watching me for an uncomfortable amount of time. I think my luck may have drawn some unwanted attention." I could tell the security officer was skeptical at best. He would need some convincing if I was going to receive any sort of aid. "I'm going to walk toward the exit, since I only made a stop here for the sake of my girlfriend and her family." I put an arm around Vinyl, with which she responded by putting her own arm around my waist. I let my face become serious before I spoke again. "I don't want to have to deal with any trouble, so if you could please help me out?"

Celestia walked up next to me, somehow keeping her normally flowing hair under control. "We would greatly appreciate any assistance you could render, sir." She moved a bit closer to the guard, and I saw him blush lightly. Score one for Molestia? I saw the guard walk away and caught the word "mafia" while he talked into the earpiece. Yep, score one for Fireball-Flank.





I hate magic. I really hate magic.

Vinyl was abusing her magic in an attempt to get my pants off while Celestia had locked the door and barricaded it with her own ethereal energies. I was again in a position without aid from Octavia, since I had been specifically warned that Vinyl was in heat.

And being the dumbass I was, I didn't think twice when Vinyl asked me into our rented room, alone, to help her with an undisclosed something. Now I was in a room with a humanized mare, who was in heat, locked inside until I somehow satisfied her. I wasn't ready to disclose a rather important fact about myself just yet, but now was looking like a good time for an excuse I hadn't used since my time in the service.

"DAMMIT CELESTIA, OPEN THE DOOR!" I yelled, banging on the door from inside the room, attempting to twist the handle. Yet, every time I tried, the door was either so hot I couldn't touch it, or it shocked me like a taser. "I NEED AN ADULT!"

Then I felt Vinyl pressing he breasts against my back as she leaned in next to my ear and whispered. "I AM an adult, hot stuff."

"FUCK!" I screamed at the top of my lungs as I began to try to demolish the door to get out. After the first few strikes, though, it seemed Celestia put up another barrier. "YOU FAT-FLANKED CRAZY WOMAN! SHE'S GOING TO DEFILE ME!" Remember how I mentioned that I was overdue for a panic attack? Yeah... I was almost there.

Celestia's voice echoed in my head. "Just give her what she wants. It can't be that bad."

That last sentence broke me. My brand of panic attacks are actually closely related to complete mental destabilization of a severe degree. I turned away from the door, taking advantage of my last few moments of lucidity before I blacked out. "Vinyl, I need to tell you something." I reached out and pulled her close, eliciting a small squeak of surprise.

"What's that, Bass Drop." She asked as she moved up to kiss me.

"I'm a virgin. Please be gentle." I replied before we kissed.

To be perfectly honest, I don't remember much past that first kiss, but, according to both Celestia and Octavia, the volume levels we both reached may have violated some of the hotel's noise ordinances for quiet hours.





After that single night in Vegas, Vinyl became, for lack of a better term, clingy. Wherever I went, she wasn't any farther than a few feet away, barring the bathroom. It took the better part of our second day after leaving  L.A. to finally cross the border into Texas. I'd thought ahead, because instead of taking the direct route through El Paso, I arced our trip north so we would be entering closer to the panhandle, thus avoiding complications with the border patrol officers. I respect the whole national security deal. But, border patrol officers in Texas, from my experience, not the happiest people in the world.

We made it through the panhandle without any complications, and I even managed to make a quick nostalgic trip through the town where my old training base was located. I took one look at the front gate, shuddered at the winter I spent there, and continued driving. It would have taken an additional ten hours of driving to reach San Antonio, had Celestia not finally spoken up as we got back on the highway after stopping for gas.

"I know where we need to go." She said simply.

I sighed and pulled over onto the shoulder before bringing up the GPS. "I hope you tell Jay and all of your other little science experiments where we're going. 'Cause I sure as hell don't know them all."

Celestia giggled at my irritation, which only earned a flat look in response. "Washington D.C. That's where your country's leader resides, correct?" She asked.

"Yeah..." I replied cautiously. "But one does not simply go to the white house and talk to our head honcho..."

Celestia waved my comment aside. "I can convince her to speak to us, but we must ensure that the Elements of Harmony are present for the meeting."

I facepalmed, getting ready to go on one of mt famous tirades in an attempt to correct her again when I thought of something that was a bit more pressing. "How do we get my cousin, the seventeen year-old on a plane to D.C. on his own without my aunt and uncle flipping shit? They won't exactly be to keen with the idea of sending their son on a cross-country trip, even if it is to prevent an inter-dimensional apocalypse."

This seemed to give Celestia a bit to think about. I knew I couldn't safely fit six people in my car, especially since driving to D.C. would take another two days. I had the money, but not the space, and Jay was almost as big as me, so we wouldn't be able to fit his giant ass into my car.

"Does he have his own vehicle?" Celestia asked after a few minutes. I pondered whether his parents could even trust him with a car, since I was the one who taught him how to drive... in California... during low traffic hours.

I shook my head. "His dad could probably reason getting him a car, but his mom nearly pissed herself the last time I drove during one of my visits." I chuckled as I recalled Julie's screams of "SLOW DOWN!" while I tore down the I-35 at about ninety, barely slowing down for the turns and cloverleaf intersections. "Auntie Julie still has a vendetta against me after my last visit."

Vinyl piped up at that moment, and I really wished she hadn't. "You just won all that money, right? Why not buy him a car?"

"Oh, that's a wonderful idea!" I said sarcastically. "Then I can be prosecuted for the kidnapping and reckless endangerment of a minor!" I looked at Celestia in the mirror. "Can't you just teleport him cross country after we get to D.C.? You seemed to have no qualms about doing that to me back in Ventura..." The Princess giggled as I reminded her of my reaction to teleporting sixty miles.

"That might be a bit much for him..." She replied as her mirth subsided. "How far is this, what did you call it? D.C.? How far is it from San Antonio?"

"Really fucking far." I muttered. "About 1600 miles, as a rough estimate. Almost twenty seven times the distance you decided to teleport us for my first experience... sadistic bitch..." I glared at I the mirror before turning my attention back to the road. We were still en route to San Antonio, since I need to talk to Auntie Julie and Uncle Tom about our predicament. Then I heard my phone ringing and handed it to Vinyl. She answered the phone and put it on speakerphone.

"Max! How's my favorite cousin?" Jay almost yelled into the phone.

I sighed before responding. "I'm your only cousin, idiot. What's up?"

"The Princess says we need to go to D.C.? When did that come up?"

"She pulled a 'Take me to your leader' bit. Auntie Julie might be a problem, though. You know how she can be, especially if I'm involved."

He laughed a bit. "Mom still wants a restraining order placed against you, but Dad says she has no case against you." There was a slight pause before he continued. "I do have a car. You know that, right?"

"Who in the name of Hecate gave you a car? You know what? I don't want to know, they're probably in an institution or something." I shuddered at the thought of Jay behind the wheel, since he decided to pick up all of my bad habits and enhance them to titanic levels.

"Dad bought me a Mustang!"

Yeah, may the gods have mercy on the world. My potentially insane cousin had a muscle car...

"Oh, so he's not in an asylum, he's just related to me. Yeah, that's so much better." I thought for a moment before an idea popped into my head. "Will Auntie Julie even let you go? I know that Celestia can be a bit... persuasive when she wants to be." There was a bright flash of light from the back seat and I looked in the mirror to see Celestia was no longer present. 'I am so boned...'





Turns out that Julie didn't need much convincing, just a severe amount of coercing and deception. I finally made it to the house in San Antonio to be met with the whole Cross-Gino family sitting out on the front driveway with several luggage bags in the back of Jay's Mustang. I stepped out of my car, followed closely by Octavia and Vinyl, and quickly had to dodge a thrown shoe from my aunt.

"Why didn't you tell me that you were going to take your cousin to an engineering convention?" Julie demanded. "I would have said yes right away!" She was a little woman, but she, like my mother, had the ability to scare the shit out of me at any moment. She stood at 5'5", with curly blonde hair, green eyes, fair skin and a skinny figure. She and my mother had surreptitiously gained a combined title as the "Duchesses of Blue-balls" since they made it into a game to shamelessly flirt with any of the men that tried to talk to them. Whenever I came to visit, Jay, Uncle Tom, and I would make bets on how many guys would try to buy her drinks and get ruthlessly shot down. I almost always won, since my mom played the same game with my stepfather.

I looked over her shoulder to look at Jay. He was an almost perfect clone of me, but instead of growing his hair out and dying it, he kept it short and left as its natural blonde color. I hated to admit it, but the kid was essentially my "Mini-Me", down to the periodic insanity. However, in opposition to my constantly stoic expression, Jay was a happy teenager, able to make anyone smile, no matter what the situation.

"Oi! Midget! What did I tell you about keeping Auntie Julie informed?" I threw up the facade almost instantly, knowing he must have put together quite the tale to deceive his mother. I swear, she was a human lie detector, who just happened to be a sniper with shoes. Why she threw shoes instead of something a bit less painful, like a football or something similar, was beyond me. Unfortunately, she was my mother's sister, and both of them were sharpshooters with their weapons of choice.

I saw Jay holding a large black case, which took me a moment to identify. "Dad finally let me get my license! He even gave me one of his old Remingtons!" Great, the mad genius who built a backyard railgun had a shotgun. Uncle Tom was going to a new circle of Hell for that. "He even showed me how to clean it and..."

I put a hand up to stop him before turning back to Julie. "Where did he tell you we were going, Auntie?" I saw her eyebrow twitch at my title for her. I only really called her Auntie since I liked to get a rise out of her. "I know he tends to skim over certain details..."

"You and my son are going to D.C. for a few weeks for a national engineering convention. You'll also be doing the usual sightseeing and you have promised to not antagonize any government officials while you two are there." Julie paused to take a breath. She then pointed to Vinyl and Octavia, who were both shifting nervously under my aunt's piercing gaze. "The young lady with the blue hair is your new girlfriend and the girl next to her is her sister. They will also be coming with you on the trip since they've never left Los Angeles."

Celestia walked out at that moment, chatting with Uncle Tom cheerfully about something before she waved to me. "Max! Good to see you! I have the hotel reservations booked, so we should be good to go when we get to Washington." How did she do this? I don't know, nor do I care. Princess Fireball-Flank made things happen, and that's all I cared about at this point.

"And miss Celestia here," Julie continued. "Is the sponsor for Jay Jay's little trip."

"MOM!" Jay whined, his voice cracking a bit. He was a late bloomer, poor kid. Of course his voice was the last thing to change, so he was a bit insecure about his mother's childish nickname. I had to constantly remind him of the odd name that my own mother had given me, which had absolutely no like to my real name.

I had to keep myself from laughing while Auntie Julie went into "Overprotective Mother Mode" and started gushing over how worried she would be and how she would "Miss her little Jay Jay." The glare I received from my cousin did nothing to shut me up, and even Vinyl and Octavia were having trouble containing themselves. Uncle Tom sighed and shook his head ruefully as he watched his wife embarrass their only child.

"Hey, Auntie Julie!" I got her attention, saving my cousin from his plight. "We need to go soon. I'll follow the Air Force's old rules about long distance travel and make sure the midget eats real food. I'll have him call you whenever we make any stops and take the obligatory pictures." I saw my aunt's expression soften before she rushed to embrace me as well. "Now, I understand Jay has a guest of his own..."

I hate myself sometimes...

A bright pink blur sped up to me and stopped less than an inch away from my face before the verbal cannon fired.

"HiI'mPinkamenaDianePie,IwantedtoknowifyoulikepartiesandIheardyou'reJayJay'scousin!Wow!Youtwolooksomuchalike,likeyou'retwinsorsomething!Ihopewecanbereallyreallyreallygoodfriendsandthatwecanhavetonsoffun!JayJaysaidwe'regoingreallyfarandmeetingsomeimportantpeople!IsittrueyoucanusemagicAreyoureallydatingVinylorareyoutwojustfriendswithbene...mmfph!" I clapped a hand over the pink demon's mouth before my ears could be further assaulted. Since I had practice translating "drunk" to "not drunk", and "Pinkie-speak" was about the same, just faster, I proceeded to answer the questions in order.

"Hi, Miss Pinkamena. I don't particularly like parties, but I work at a lot of them. Yes, Jay is my little cousin. We're not twins, we just look a lot alike. I don't really know you that well, so the friend thing will have to wait." I paused to take a breath, keeping my hand on Pinkie's mouth to keep her from bombarding me with more questions. "Yes, we're going to the nation's capital and we'll be talking to some important individuals. It's not magic. And that last subject is not appropriate for discussion in front of minors." At the last response, I nodded toward Jay with a smirk. I removed my hand and signaled to Jay that we were about to leave.

"Keep him out of trouble!" Julie called out as we entered out respective vehicles, Celestia mercifully joining Jay and Pinkie. Then, I swear to every god in existence, the air around her turned dark before she directly addressed me. "If anything happens to my little Jay Jay, you know what will happen..." Julie's demeanor turned back to normal while she waved goodbye. Like I said, the woman scares me.
> F*** You, That's How
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	I absolutely hate long distance travel. It, along with taxes and politics, is one of the great evils in the world. Why the human race had to proliferate to such a degree that I needed to travel over three thousand miles just to meet someone is beyond me. The only solace I can find in such inefficiency is the fact that I was, directly speaking, at least two and a half thousand miles from one of the craziest regions in the United States, known more commonly as New England

Anyone who asks me "How do you justify going to such a place that obviously makes you so upset?" will receive the same response.

I'm just stupid that way.





I was ready to severely damage something, someone, or somepony very soon.

I was in the worst possible mood since Celestia had somehow figured out how to turn her telepathy with the Equestrians and their chosen partners into a wide-scale chatroom from Hell. I had to somehow use my selective attention span to ignore the hundreds of voices in my head, ranging from the high-pitched stabbing soprano of Pinkie Pie to the resonating bass of some guys from the Midwest. 

If anyone ever wants to experience the headache I had just managed to escape, beat your head multiple times with a history textbook after getting the worst hangover of your life. Following that, blare Rebecca Black's "Friday" at maximum volume at the same time as a recording of the mosquito noise. As soon as you're done, tell me so that I can call you a masochistic fool.

I'm sorry, that was mean.

Returning to the matter at hand, I was doing my best to ignore the cacophonous noise that had somehow turned into an overwhelming chorus of Pinkie's "Smile." The song was so catchy, that I almost jumped in myself, but restrained myself so I could focus on the road in front of me. This was made nearly impossible by the fact that Jay had convinced me to swap Octavia for the pink demon.

My sanity left me within the first few miles, occasionally poking its proverbial head in to wake and say "Look at what you don't have anymore!" I decided to privately watch the Skyrim video to the same song in my head. I finally gave in and started to sing along, my evil grin misinterpreted by Pinkie as enjoyment of the song. I didn't notice the fact that Vinyl had somehow "hacked" into my version of the song and was mimicking the combative motions from the game footage.

Was I going to Hell for that? Maybe, but Heaven won't take me and Hell's afraid I'll take over, so I think that I'd make Limbo interesting if the afterlife didn't just throw me back like a bad fish. Fortunately no one else had discovered my twisted humor. Shortly after the singing was finished, I tried to start the CD in my car, only for Vinyl to grab my hand and shake her head. I sighed as I put my hand back on the wheel, looking around at the scenery to figure out where we were, since my GPS seemed to think we had managed to turn towards Florida instead of D.C.

I looked to my left to see a formerly forgotten sight: that of the Gulf of Mexico. I guess we managed to take a wrong turn, since we should have been nearing Kentucky by now. Then we passed a sign that made my blood run cold.

"New Orleans	10 Miles"

I started swearing under my breath as I tried to figure out how our course had turned farther East. Then I looked in my rearview mirror to see Jay doing a small victorious fist pump from his car. I knew he was fond of the East Coast, but I didn't think he would want to visit New Orleans that badly.

'We will be taking a slight detour, Maximus. Your cousin mentioned something called Mardi Gras?'

I hated my cousin so much at that point.

Mardi Gras is a religious holiday, but I had intended to celebrate it with a tapped keg and watching television. Now I was en route to the one city that would host the biggest Mardi Gras celebration in the country, and Pinkie Pie was in my back seat. Oh, how royally fucked I was...

'Did he tell you what Mardi Gras actually is?' I asked the Princess. I hoped she knew exactly what she was getting into.

My phone rang, and it was Jay calling. I answered it and immediately put it on speaker phone. "Sei pazzo?!" I yelled. "Mardi Gras in New Orleans and you're in charge of Pinkie? What are you thinking?"

"Dude, calm down." Jay said. I wanted to slap him through the phone so bad. "Pinkie Pie! Do you want to go to the biggest party in the country?"

Pinkie Pie gasped dramatically and almost blew my eardrums out when she screamed. "Do I!"

I was going to hurt that boy when we made our next stop. I had no time to plan out my revenge, since I saw New Orleans on the horizon. The Big Easy was a lantern in the dimming evening. "Jacob Anders Cross, We are not going to New Orleans for Mardi Gras!" I thundered through the phone. I had a strong feeling he was about to hang up the phone at that moment, but Celestia piped up at the last minute.

"Discord is there, and I must speak with him."

If my blood had run cold when I saw we were nearing New Orleans, then it turned to liquid nitrogen at the mention of the Spirit of Chaos. "HE'S HERE?!" I yelled, my panicked state at the idea of Pinkie Pie getting drunk rapidly overlapped at the prospect of being face to face with the one being from Equestria who could bitch-slap logic with a rubber chicken and get away with it. "ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?!"





The ensuing argument was little more than Vinyl attempting to calm me down, Celestia disregarding my fears, Jay distracting me from turning away from the city, and Pinkie cheering about chocolate rain. Before I knew it, we had entered the metro area and were about halfway to the French Quarter. I groaned when I realized how far into the city we had made it, since I was unconsciously following my GPS directions. We came to a stop in front of a hotel a few block from the French Quarter, and I had to be forcibly dragged out of my car by everyone else. I managed to lock the car as I miserably made my way inside the hotel. I barely registered the words of the man working at the desk as we checked into a pair of rooms for the next three days.

I walked outside and grabbed my backpack with the Titan out of the trunk of my car and silently followed everyone else up to the room. I didn't realize exactly what our sleeping arrangements were until I heard the rundown.

"Very good, so Vinyl and Maximus will have one bed, Pinkie and Jacob will have another, and Octavia and myself will be in the other room with our own beds." Celestia said, smiling as everyone but me nodded in assent. Well, most of the others nodded, while Pinkie did her best impression of a jackhammer with her own acceptance of the assignments.

I shook myself out of my shock and finally spoke for the first time in half an hour. "Wait..." I began. "You're going to have me sleeping with the mare in heat? Do you not remember Vegas?!" I looked over to Vinyl, who was giving me the most seductive smile she could have ever mustered. I won't lie. After Vegas, New Orleans seemed tame until I was told that I would be sharing a bed with Vinyl for three days.

"What happened in Vegas?" Jay asked slyly.

I shot him an icy glare, which shut him up quickly. Then I looked at Pinkie. "I'm assuming you and Jay have done some dirty dancing of your own?" This caused both Jay and Pinkie to blush furiously, while they managed to find everything in the room but each other interesting.

Vinyl punched me in the shoulder. "Bass Drop! Be nice!"

This caused Jay to raise an eyebrow. "Bass Drop? What's that name for?"

I looked at Vinyl, and she nodded before we both said together. "Noise complaints."

Even Celestia blushed at that comment.





"Oh, Princess!" Octavia screamed from the other room. "Where did you learn that?"

Celestia's giggles could be heard through the world. "When one has lived for thousands of years, she has the opportunity to learn a great many things, Miss Philharmonica."

I groaned under my pillow and felt Vinyl poke my arm. I turned over to her and let her see my expression of irritation. "Yes?" I grumbled tiredly.

She pointed to the door. "Want to beat them at their own game?" She asked with that same smile she had given me earlier that day. "I bet we could even teach your cousin a few tricks."

I turned my body to face Vinyl's and moved a bit closer. "Nah, I think I'll just use you as a pillow. At least then I'll be comfortable while I can't sleep." I laid my head on her breasts and wrapped an arm around her waist, pulling her towards me. "Besides," I pointed backward towards Pinkie and Jay, who were sleeping peacefully. "They found a way to sleep, I think we can do better."

Octavia's pleasure filled screams sounded through the wall again, louder than ever. Vinyl looked at me skeptically. "How can we sleep through that?"

I pulled out a couple pairs of sound-cancelling headphones and my iPod, which had a dual channel splitter already hooked up. "Wub-a-dub-dub, right?"





Mardi Gras hold many opportunities for revelry and debauchery, so I wasn't surprised to find out that the French Quarter was currently host to Discord. Vinyl dragged me all over that part of town until we managed to come across a pub, which I almost instantly ran into when I saw that they had German brews on tap. I made my way to the bar and sat down and called over the loud cheering of the many patrons.

"Oi! A pint of Bitburger here! And whatever the lady wants!" I saw Vinyl sit down next to me, her glasses in the dimly lit establishment serving as more of a hindrance than anything else. I reached over and snatched them off her face, pulling my own glasses off at the same time. "No way, I want to see the great Vinyl Scratch get properly drunk. That means I want to see some cross-eyed shenanigans!" The pub itself was an Irish themed place, which meant that their were a lot of patrons carrying on with poorly chorused melodies of their favorite drinking songs. I heard the clack of a mug hitting the bar in front of me. I laid down a five and raised the mug towards the bartender before taking a drink of the lager in front of me.

I savored the flavor before I noticed another person sit on the other side of me. I turned to see a man with a scraggly goatee and disheveled graying hair. His eyes were a bright, disturbing red with yellow sclera. He had a snaggletooth that seemed to accentuate the mad look in his eyes. I didn't take very long to identify the man I was looking at, and started shifting nervously in my seat. I was already out of my comfort zone being present on New Orleans for Mardi Gras, with all of the crowds and noise. I may have enjoyed working as a techie in nightclubs, but I suffered from a very specific kind of claustrophobia, which made me suffer from extreme panic attacks if I couldn't escape the group quickly. That phobia was nothing compared to sitting next to the embodiment of Chaos himself, who, with a snap of his fingers, could absolutely demolish any vestiges of logic and reason in the world.

"Ah, Bitburger." Discord said in his unsettling voice. "A good choice, though I would have expected you Russo-Americans favored that potato liquor, vodka." I watched as a bottle of absinthe appeared out of thin air, as well as a glass, which Discord promptly filled with the green liquid. "I personally prefer these supposedly hallucinogenic substances you humans have created. A creation after my own heart, this drink." He quickly drank the whole glass before pouring another drink.

"Yo, Discy! How you doin'?" Vinyl yelled from behind me. "Been a few months since I saw you!" I looked over to see Vinyl drinking a large glass of what looked like a radioactive fluid, which smelled strongly of Triple Sec and Hpnotiq. "This is Bass Drop, he's my coltfriend!" At this she grabbed my face and turned me so she could kiss me. I didn't resist, since her mouth now tasted like Jolly Ranchers and orange juice. She released my face, only to wrap an arm around my shoulder.

I looked over to her. "Uh, Vinyl, I keep telling you, my name is Max... And how much of my Sobieski did you drink before we left the room? I only had a quarter of the bottle." I tried to gauge how drunk Vinyl was, but she and I now had about the same tolerance. The side effects from the magic pill Celestia had given me had finally worn off in the last couple of days, so I could drink again, but not as much as I used to. I knew that I was pleasantly buzzed by now, but Vinyl seemed like she was liable to go into "party girl" mode at any moment.

"Ah, Maximus! You must be the human that Celestia told me so much about." Discord's smile only grew more unnerving by the minute as he studied me. I turned away before hearing one of my favorite songs come onto the pub's speakers. I started bobbing my head to the beat and grinned evilly at Vinyl before chugging my whole mug of beer and stood on one of the tables, stomping out the rhythm and receiving cheers from the other patrons.

'Fuck stage fright, I hope this goes online.'

Finally the guitar went into full volume and I headbanged for a bit before singing along to the lyrics. When the first verse finished, I pulled Vinyl up with me, and she squealed loudly. We started dancing and singing until the last note played. The entire pub was cheering as we jumped off the table. Then, in front of Discord and everyone else, I grabbed Vinyl by the waist, leaned her back, and kissed her for a good thirty seconds. When we both finished, we were gasping for air and Discord was clapping while grinning at the two of us. I checked myself to see exactly how drunk I was by taking a few steps forward into the limited empty space.

I had to catch myself on almost every table when I only walked about ten feet. I turned back around and sat at the bar, turning my attention to the Spirit of Chaos that had just cheered on my drunken antics. "So, Discord..." I began.

"Oh, please. You already know why I came to you." I drunkenly giggled at his statement.

"Hehe, I didn't know you swung that way, dude." I slurred before pulling Vinyl's barstool closer to me and putting an arm around her shoulders. "But I like my Scratchy." I could feel Vinyl heat up from my use of a nickname.

Discord chuckled, understanding my drunk humor. "I'm sure you do. However, I have another reason for being here." His tone turned serious, which caught my attention a bit more than usual, so I listened closely. "I'm not allowed to help any you that are preparing for the counterstrike against Chrysalis, but that doesn't mean I don't have a vested interest in your success."

I released Vinyl and crossed my arms, focusing on Discord. "Your point being?"

"Chaos is great, but without anypony to enjoy it, I have become rather bored with the dictatorship that Chrissy has put in place." He took another drink of the absinthe before offering me a glass.

I waved it away. "That stuff tastes like bad licorice. It'll make me sicker than tequila." I raised an eyebrow before asking. "Unless you have some rum?"

I saw a bottle materialize near my hand on the bar, which was filled with a dark brown liquid. My eyes widened as I saw the Captain Morgan label on the side.

Discord set both glasses down before pouring drinks for both of us. "Now, I believe you and I have things to discuss. I've already spoken to the other paired groups, and you are the last one."

I raised my glass in a toasting fashion. "Mister Discord, you have my full attention." We clicked glasses before we started talking.
> Rising to the Challenge
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	I look at my circumstances and simply shake my head now. I managed to overcome my nerves and talk to Discord, Spirit of Chaos and Illogical Madness. I drank with the guy, for the gods' sake. Not only that, but we were in the city that was to be party central for the next few days. That said, I had a feeling that more than one of my former interpersonal barriers was about to be shattered. Now I was on to complete a whole phase of training that revolved around a force I had believed for the last twenty-one years to be completely mythical.

Magic, by it's apparent nature, is chaotic and ever-present. Now I'm about to undergo a kind of training to control that chaotic force and bend it to my will. Celestia has already told me that it won't be easy, nor will she be a kind instructor. I just hope that she doesn't try to feed me another mystery pill...





"Try it again!"

"Bite me! This is beyond foreign to me. This is like taking a high school student and telling them to deliver a dissertation on string theory!" I growled at Celestia. "The least you could do is get off my case for a few minutes. It's not like we didn't book a room to stay here for the next two days..." I focused on my assigned task, which was causing me more frustration than when I couldn't do a single push-up at the beginning of basic training. Celestia had told me to try to find the pool of energy that I drew on for my magic, which was far easier said than done.

Celestia crossed her arms and glared at me while Discord was perched on a nearby mausoleum, laughing his head off, literally. He was playing ping pong with his disembodied head, and it was distracting me more and more as time went by. I had tried everything short of going to sleep and asking Luna for help. I returned Celestia's glare, which started the thirteenth glaring contest of the day. I had been forced to leave my glasses off so I could get more used to my enhanced aura sight, and I had a headache the size of... huh, Celestia should probably lay off the cake before her backside developed its own gravitational pull.

I felt a rock hit my forehead, causing me to yelp in pain and rub the affected spot. "What was that for. Sun Buns? Did I strike a nerve about a certain Princess' fat a... OW!" Another rock collided with my head, and I looked over to see Celestia's body glowing furiously with her magic, several larger rocks floating around her, ready to be launched at me.

"I AM NOT FAT!" She screeched. "I JUST HAVE WIDE HIPS!"

"Then get off your ass, so it doesn't become any fatter, and actually help me!" I yelled back. I dodged another rock before I felt myself being held in place by Celestia's magic. "Hey! That's cheating and you know it!" I sent my most icy glare at Celestia, wishing she would be in the same predicament as me.

Then the strangest thing happened. I felt a powerful, but not uncomfortable, tug in my gut and gaped as a glowing whitish blue aura surrounded Celestia, holding her in place. The rocks floating around her dropped harmlessly to the ground, while Celestia was frozen, unable to move a muscle. I was also released, after which I walked slowly to Celestia, still angry at her. I positioned myself on her left and poked her backside, which had a lot more give than I expected. "Seems pretty flabby to me, Fireball-Flank..."

Then the entire graveyard was illuminated with blinding light, and I was sent flying into an angel statue. When my vision cleared, I was lying on the ground and Celestia was smirking in satisfaction at me. "So it seems you need to feel strong emotion to use your magic. I would expect nothing less from the human paired with a pony whose special talent is using the emotions of music to bring her crowds together."

I groaned as I felt several parts of my body object to my attempts to move. I looked behind me to see that I had broken off an arm from the statue. I managed to push myself off the ground and stand before stumbling past Celestia toward the nearest bar. I needed may shots of hard liquor after that nonsense.





"So you're telling me that all I have to do is focus, and I can use this magic that you so graciously forced on me?" I asked skeptically. "Sound's like a load of crap to me. Also, why in Hecate's name are we outside at five in the morning? This getting up early nonsense is for the birds."

Discord laughed as Celestia's face turned a very interesting shade of red. "Must you be so hard to work with? The other paired humans were nowhere near as difficult as you!"

I grinned evilly and replied. "I don't try to be this difficult, it just comes naturally."

Celestia groaned in exasperation while Discord and I laughed at her. She regained enough composure to ask me another question. "Have you ever meditated? That seems to be how you humans develop control..."

I gave her a flat look. 'How does she think I got my aura sight in the first place?' I sighed loudly and told her. "Yeah, and I still do. It helps me when I want to get rid of my headaches." I crossed my arms before I addressed Discord. "Is she always this pissy? Or is she in estrous and not getting any?" At this, I felt Celestia trying to set the ground around me on fire while Discord fell over, laughing uncontrollably.

"How dare you?!" Celestia seemed to be dangerously close to barbecuing me, since her aura was in a massive flux. "You have to be the most impertinent, stubborn, and flat-out horrible human I have ever worked with!"

I started yelling back. "You think I'm horrible? Who slipped the other a magical roofy without prior explanation, then used long-distance teleportation in the same day without warning?!" I did my best to keep my temper in check, but my control was slipping quickly. "Not only that, but you made me lose almost an entire night's sleep because you were boinking 'Tavi! I think I'm entitled to a bit of a bitching session!" By this point, if looks could kill, then Celestia and I were enacting World War III in full force.

Discord stepped in between the two of us, putting his hands in our faces. I was still fuming, as was Celestia, but I was quickly distracted by the appearance of a large bottle of NOS. My rage quickly dissipated as I grabbed the bottle and opened it, catching the strong smell of tropical flavoring and caffeine. I looked over to my impromptu instructor to see she was equally occupied by a rather large vanilla cake with what appeared to be buttercream frosting. Apparently the memes were right. Fireball-Flank liked cake... a lot.





The bar I wandered into was sparsely populated, but I heard a familiar laugh and turned to my right to see my cousin, my seventeen year-old cousin, drinking a large mug of beer, with Pinkie Pie knocking back shots of what appeared to be tequila. I quietly crept over to the table and stood behind my cousin, looking down at the top of his head.

I took in a deep breath and spoke in my "scare-the-piss-out-of-anyone" voice, which was slightly reminiscent of Sauron from the Lord of the Rings movies. "What dost thou think thou is doing, Jacob Anders Cross?" He locked up and looked straight up, meeting my ice-blue glare with his own pale green gaze. I grinned like a demonic figure and said. "Boo." After which he promptly passed out with a wet spot around the crotch of his pants.

"Maxie! That was mean!" Pinkie exclaimed as she tried to wake Jay up. "I think you broke Jay Jay..." He hair fell flat as she took on a dejected demeanor. I hated having feelings sometimes, because I immediately felt bad that Pinkie Pie was so upset.

I sighed dejectedly. "Fine, I'll wake him up..." I turned Jay around, watching as his aura was stuck in a state of fear, despite its now vibrant green color that seemed linked to Pinkie Pie. Her own aura was two colors, one a fluorescent pink, which was subdued by the overlapping darker pink. She was really upset, so I assumed that they were on a date of some sort. "Hey, Jay! Your girlfriend is stripping for you!" He woke up immediately, shooting forward and cracking his forehead with my face. I was lucky that my nose hadn't broken, but I still got knocked over.

"WHERE? I WANNA SEE PINKAMENA DIANE PIE'S AMAZING BODY!" His head was darting around, and I could see Pinkie blushing furiously. His eyes settled on me and he grabbed me by my shirt, pulling me up to his face. "Where is the naked party goddess?" I managed to keep a straight face as I pointed to Pinkie Pie, who was doing her best to hide under the table.

"She's not naked, genius." I said flatly before taking on a devilish grin. "Though you didn't deny that she was your girlfriend this time..." This caused Jay to drop me and begin spluttering like an idiot while I laughed loudly. I stood and brushed myself off before remembering something. "Oh yeah..." I smacked Jay in the side of the head. "Little pervert."





After my entertainment at Jay's expense, I joined them in drinking. We were quickly joined by Discord, Vinyl, and Octavia. Apparently Celestia had other places to be, so she would not be joining our little party. Jay and I were slightly buzzed, while the girls were almost plastered. The bar had also gained some more patrons, several of which were still obviously exhausted from the previous night's antics. Today, however, was the actual Fat Tuesday, so the partying on Bourbon Street was just getting into full swing at the early hour of about 6 in the evening.

Jay and I were on our third pints each. No, I didn't care about giving the minor alcohol, since he had proven that he could hold his liquor at our last family reunion, which I will not elaborate on. He and I shared a look and started stomping out feet at a slow tempo, quickly joined by the girls and Discord. I hummed a few notes to open up the song we had invented at that same family reunion. Then Jay led us in.


From among the plains of Texas
You'll never miss us


I joined in, turning it into a chorus.


The twins of doom
Are in the room
And they're about to cause a fuss


Jay took the lead and stood, pointing at me while singing even louder.


The older came first, glaring at the Doc,
And all forms of authority does he mock!
His thirst for music cannot be tamed
And on his birth, Maximus he was named


I stood and wrapped an arm around Jay's shoulders while I sang my part.


The younger one, born second
Was the odd one, they reckoned
The smile on his face will never fade
And thus Jacob was his name made


We joined in a swaying motion, holding our mugs high before singing together again.


Max was the method,
Jacob the madness
Together they caused
Great havoc, no less

Their names are feared both far and wide
And any who call them sane shall have lied
They bring chaos wherever they tread
And young as they are, both far from death

There's no cause for fear,
The Cross Cousins are here!


I saw several smartphones out, filming our poorly written theme song. Jay and I clacked our glasses loudly and drank deeply of the drafts we'd ordered. When we both finished, we slammed our mugs on the table, synchronously tipped our respective Equestrian partners back in their seats, and kissed them full on the lips, receiving a series of loud cheers in response. I released Vinyl's mouth, only for her to grab my face and pull me back down. She and I continued making out in the bar for several minutes, occasionally taking a break to down shots to keep ourselves pleasantly drunk.

"Hey, hey Vinyl!" I slurred as I knocked back another shot of tequila. "I gotta question fer ya!"

She leaned in close and asked. "Wuzzat?"

I grinned before whispering in her ear. "Yer not wearin' a bra, are ya?"

She leaned back and gave me a fake look of shock before returning my grin. "I never do!"

My grin widened as I told her about the Mardi Gras tradition involving girls and beads. To say she was pleased would be an understatement, since she squealed loudly and dragged me outside to where the outdoor celebration was in full swing. Almost immediately, someone managed to land a necklace of beads around her neck from behind me, and she pulled up her shirt, giving me a full view of her breasts.

Normally I would have been embarrassed in this situation, but I was too drunk to remember my usual inhibitions. I had a feeling that this night was going to be very good
> Some Adaptability Not Included
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	The human race is notorious for facing any situation that may be new or unexplained. We can take something as outlandish as magic and eventually accept it as something beyond our immediate comprehension and move on with life. I, however, have more difficulty dealing with certain changes that aren't addressed beforehand. This include the aura sight and other apparent abilities that I had been "blessed" with.

Maybe I should talk to Luna about this problem I have, since she had to learn about a thousand years of culture after she escaped the moon. Little did I know there was even more to come beyond the already apparent madness...





I awakened to Celestia levitating a bucket over my head, which was slowly tipping upside down. I groaned as I rolled off my bed, ignoring my splitting headache to escape what I all but knew was a gallon of water that Celestia was preparing to tip over my sleeping form.

"I'm up, Fireball-Flank..." I grumbled from my face down position on the ground. Apparently the bucket wasn't meant for me, since I heard a high-pitched squeal from the other side of the bed, followed by a loud thump. I looked under the bed to the other side and saw a miserable, soaking wet Vinyl Scratch. She was naked, only covered from the waist up by the sheets she was tangled up in, giving me a very hood view of her thigh and her cutie mark, which was apparently still present in this world. I was shirtless, leaving my tattoos exposed for all to see.

Vinyl turned over to me and gave me a sheepish grin. "I didn't know humans got cutie marks, Bass Drop." I figured she was looking at the kanji on my right arm. "Looks pretty cool..." She pushed herself up to a kneeling position, and I turned over onto my back to sit up.

"I don't have a cutie mark." I said, standing up and wandering over to where my shirt and trench coat had migrated. As I bent over to pick up my shirt, Vinyl walked by and smacked me on the ass. I stood up quickly and gave her a disbelieving look. "They're tattoos." I pulled my shirt on and stretched every muscle I could manage, causing several joints to pop loudly. "Urgh, I hate stretching in the morning" I groaned as a particularly loud crack could be heard from my back.

"If you two are quite done..." Celestia said loudly, making her presence known again. I glared at her sharply. "We do have to get moving." Celestia then directed her attention to me. "You also shouldn't be too sure about your lack of a cutie mark. Those of you who have partnered with my subject may find things like that to be a bit different."

I pulled slightly on the waist of my pants. "I think I would have noticed if there was a mark on my thighs. One doesn't really miss that sort of thing in the shower." I lowered one side of my pants and looked down. I expected to see nothing but unmarked skin, but I was met with a surprise. I blinked for a few seconds, since I was sure I was hallucinating. Then I looked at Vinyl, who was staring at me with wide eyes. "Please tell me I'm just so tired that I'm seeing shit that isn't there..."

Celestia and Vinyl shared a look before returning their attention to me. They shook their heads and I looked down again. Emblazoned on my thigh, clear as day, was. in fact, a cutie mark. One I was familiar with, since it was the same as my OC, whose name was... oh fuck me. In plain view of everyone was a black bass clef, the cutie mark of my OC, Bass Drop.

"Huh." I said as the shock set in. "Bass Drop, out."

My vision went dark as I hit the floor.

[hr[

I awoke to the familiar smell of artificial tropical flavors and caffeine being waved near my nose. I groaned, opening my eyes to see Vinyl holding a can of NOS near my head. I instantly became fully awake and snatched the can out of her hand, chugging the contents voraciously. I looked around to see that I'd been moved to a chair and I'd been fully dressed in my unconscious state. I saw Octavia, Jay, and Pinkie sitting on the other side of the room, expressions of relief painted across their faces.

"What the hell hit me?" I asked, rubbing my eyes to remove the rest of the sleepiness from my system. "Last thing I remember is seeing some sort of new tattoo on my thigh... Celestia called it a cutie mark of all things, can you believe it?" I laughed a bit until I saw everyone else looking around nervously. "Speaking of which, where is Fireball-Flank? It was my understanding that she was coming with us to D.C."


Vinyl laughed nervously. "Yeah, about that..."

Everyone else covered their ears as they saw my irritation rising. I couldn't help myself at this point, since the extra emotions that I used to keep under wraps were now free to roam. "THAT BITCH LEFT AGAIN?!" I swear some of the windows near me managed to crack from my volume.

Right when my outburst occurred, there was a flash of golden light in the middle of the room and Celestia appeared, looking very tired. "I really wish you would not assume such things, Maximus. I did not leave, I was merely in the other room quietly consulting with my sister over this new development." She seemed to be a bit more on edge than usual, since she was in a defensive stance.

My eyes narrowed to slits, and I could see my recently trained magic beginning to seep out. My glasses had been confiscated by Celestia, so I was able to clearly see everyone else's auras flaring like my own, all of it being directed toward Celestia, though the Equestrians seemed to be resisting the emotional pull. I took several deep breaths to calm myself, returning to my baseline stoicism. I was still staring harshly at Celestia, however, so she didn't relax her stance at all.

"What new development?" I growled. I was secretly hoping this had nothing to do with the "cutie mark" I supposedly had. "I'm getting pretty sick of these 'new developments' popping up every few days. Can't I have a break from the insanity for a week?"

Vinyl, Octavia, Pinkie, and Celestia all looked at one another nervously. Celestia finally spoke up after several seconds of uncomfortable silence. "It seems that medicine we gave to the partnered humans may have had some... unforseen side effects. You all may want to sit down for this."

Vinyl promptly sat on one of my legs, while Octavia took the other. Pinkie sat down next to Jay, her hair flattened out. I leaned forward to rest my arms on what little leg space I had left. I regarded Celestia calmly and waited for her to begin.

She looked around, making sure we were all comfortable. Then she spoke. "I should tell you exactly how we made the 'medicine' that my subjects' partners have been given."





The several months we spent in your world were not only biding our time, but also a period of research where Twilight Sparkle and our greatest surviving minds from Equestria worked to find a way to unlock human magic. It was noted that humans were magically numb for the most part, oblivious to the energy that permeated their own home. This was determined to be caused by centuries of denial of the metaphysical, where magic was ignored in favor of the time and effort directed into human science and technology.

Your kind had forsaken their link with their own world, which used to be a font of magical power that any human could have harnessed. However, since your civilizations' industrial ages, Earth's natural reserves of magic have been depleted as the environment was abused and polluted. Instead of producing excess magic, your world has been draining the latent magic from its denizens. Humans, animals, plants, even the natural elements that permeate your world have all been drained of their magical potential to such a degree that it is a wonder anything can live for very long.

Despite this, it was found that humans were still born with the potential to, at the very least, perceive the natural energies that existed anywhere in the world. This includes your own "aura sight," as you call it Maximus. What your kind refer to as adrenaline rushes are really unconscious pulls against the drain of the Earth's dying state in order to enhance individuals' speed and strength. Empathy is also a lost art to your people, since humans have become so secluded from one another that external emotions have become almost taboo.

We searched desperately for a way to reestablish your species' connection with your home, but our efforts were for naught, as we found the planet's drain to be an insurmountable obstacle. Then a new idea was proposed, one that my sister and I were loathe to pursue. I imagine you already know what it was.

It was proposed that we find select humans whose values and potential abilities could serve in the inevitable war against Chrysalis and her forces. This was an almost unbelievable proposal, which was met with great resistance. However, necessity overcame the inhibitions we would have normally faced. It was found that the link with your world could only be severed if the human was forcibly linked to another world entirely.

Much research was poured into this project, some of it would have been considered almost heretical in Equestria, but we were desperate. The only world we could link a human to other than their own was ours. The magic necessary was almost titanic when we considered attempting a direct shift. Therefore, we used the Equestrians who were to be partnered as a bridge for the new link to follow. We took samples of magic from every Earth pony, Pegasus, and Unicorn that had traveled to this world and put them into the form of pills.

These pills would contain the spell, with a sample of the Equestrian partner's magic as a template, that would sever the bond between the humans and Earth while simultaneously establishing a link with Equestria. It was foolproof in our eyes, until this new "side effect" kicked in. It seemed that in the process of linking a human to Equestria, their magic had to mold itself to be almost identical to a natural-born Equestrian's.

In this process, it appears that the human would essentially become an Equestrian, as opposed to retaining their old humanity. Every partner has been slowly discovering this, ranging from the spontaneous growth of wings in Pegasus partners, to increased strength, stamina, speed, and durability in Earth pony partners, and lastly the awakening of conscious magic in Unicorn partners.





"In essence, the partners are becoming near-perfect counterparts to one another. We have not determined if there is a way to reverse the process, but rest assured that we are doing our best to find a way to repair our mistake." Celestia finished. Jay and Pinkie simply stared with matching looks of shock.

I took in all of this information, pondering the new development. We were all silent for several minutes. Octavia and Vinyl looked at me hesitantly. I raised an eyebrow before asking. "So who is my actual partner, then? I don't think it would be possible to have two partners' magic energies attuned to the same person at the same time... I would assume it's Vinyl, yes?"

"That's correct, which means that we need to find Octavia's partner..." Celestia mused. "Perhaps this will be harder than I thought..."

I chuckled before replying to her sentiment. "Have you never heard of Murphy's Law?"
> House of the Shards of Sorrow
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	It has been said that the human race is a cruel species. We fight one another over foolish things, such as money, land, religion, or even a simple set of differing view on trivial topics. It comes to no surprise that we failed to see our world dying around us, since we have secluded ourselves from the potential to be as open as the Equestrians. We look for how one view differs from the other in lieu of finding the similarities. This was a recipe for disaster from the beginning, since we couldn't even see the war that threatened to spill over from another dimension. A war that could easily destroy our entire way of life...





After leaving New Orleans, Celestia told Jay and I to continue towards the capital as quickly and directly as possible. Our new route was lining up to take us through West Virginia, and I knew what was to come when we reached that state. For now, however, we were refueling in Raleigh, North Carolina. Vinyl and Octavia had gone into the convenience store to pick up a couple cases of NOS, since I hadn't slept a single wink since we left Louisiana. I was beyond exhausted, but I had no inclination to stop in a state that I'd come to know for it's relatively small, albeit influential, bigoted population. I'd lived outside Charlotte for my last two years of high school, dealing with the ridiculing remarks from those who found out I'd moved their from California. The jabs at me about how I was either a pot-head or homosexual, simply because I'd lived in Los Angeles for a little over a year, were almost too much to bear.

I quickly became that target of abuse for the school football team, because they had somehow concocted a story about how I was too good to play on their team. Mind you, calling it a team was a stretch, as the only practices I'd gone to early in the season resulted in me being used as a tackling dummy because I didn't have the standing capacity to want to hurt anything that got in my way. It wasn't that I lacked the capacity to get angry, I was simply afraid of my temper. The last time I'd ever gotten truly angry, I'd almost put someone in the hospital.

However, I found out later, after leaving the caustic environment of that failure of a team, that the rest of the people of North Carolina were actually quite sociable, if a bit strange to me at times. Those two years before I left to join the military were the most tumultuous period I'd ever been through. There were no fewer than four drug raids, five cases of vandalism, and a number of other freak occurrences that almost permanently marked North Carolina as a state to never live in ever again.

Yet here I was, refueling my car on the way to speak to the person who used to essentially be my boss at the highest level. Vinyl said something, which snapped me out of my reverie.

"Sorry, I spaced out. What did you say?" I asked. Vinyl giggled quietly before holding up a stack of boxes of my favorite drink.

"Where do you want these? I think there's room in the trunk." She nodded to the back of the car. I pressed a button on my remote, opening the rear hatch. I took several of the four-packs from Vinyl and started playing "trunk Tetris", and age old game of fitting an almost impossible amount of cargo into an otherwise too small space. After about five minutes, the gas pump had already stopped and I had successfully loaded twelve cases of NOS Energy Drink into the space not taken up by everyone else's belongings. I even managed to fit one of the four-packs into the space under the driver's seat for easy access.

I pumped my fist in the air as I removed the nozzle from the fuel port of my car. "I am the King of Car Tetris! Bow down to my awesome cargo-loading skills!" This caused several of the people at the gas station to look at me strangely, and I sheepishly lowered my arm while ducking my head to hide the blush on my face. I looked into the car to see Octavia was passed out on Celestia's shoulder. The Solar Princess was equally indisposed, her mouth hanging open slightly while a drop of saliva rolled down her chin.

Vinyl jumped into the passenger's seat and fastened her seatbelt before I could say anything else. I looked back to Jay to see that he and Pinkie were ready to go. I nodded to him before getting into my own vehicle. I had decided to save the remaining canisters of nitrous for any situation that called for a quick getaway, so the Banana-Mobile from Hell would not be getting any exercise in North Carolina. I started the car and pulled away from the gas station, starting us on the way to Huntington, West Virginia.

The place where my father's parents were buried.





We entered the small town several hours later, since Fireball-Flank made me Pinkie promise to respect the speed limits the whole way there. And, since the demon of shattered logic was in the car behind me, I grudgingly complied. Huntington is a small town, the kind where everyone knows exactly what goes on all over town within an hour of the event's occurrence. My dad was from here, so I had been obligated to visit once when I was younger. Everyone we met said that it was like looking back in time, and that I looked just like him. My dad and I were never on the best of terms, but I respected him, if only for the reason that without him I wouldn't be alive.

I was in the small town for one reason, which was a matter of personal responsibility to me. I had come to visit my grandparent's grave. I never knew them, but Mom had told me that they were nice enough. My grandfather was apparently just an older version of my dad, which made me wonder if they had somehow discovered the secrets of nearly cloning someone in earlier generations. It wouldn't have surprised me, but I wasn't visiting to ponder the impossible. I was there to pay my respects.

My grandparents had, in fact, been ruthlessly murdered in their own pawn shop before I was born. It was a ruse disguised as a potential customer wanting to purchase some coins. The details were never completely worked out, but the encounter had ended with the fake customer shooting both of my grandparents in the head before taking as much money from the store as he could. It made my blood boil to think of the story, but the culprit was already in prison. I walked through the cemetery and stopped at their gravestones. I had my hands in my pockets while I muttered a prayer to the gods of the afterlife, wishing them peace.

I had never met them, simply because one individual chose to act on his greed. He killed two people, without regard for their families or friends, simply because he wanted their money. It was a known failing of humans to covet things that others worked hard to obtain, Mikael had been the most recent proof of that. Chrysalis was now trying to do to the ponies of Equestria what my grandparents' murderer had done to my father and his family. She destroyed the ponies' way of life because she craved the love she could never have in her tyranny. This was why I accepted the task of helping Vinyl, Octavia, and the other Equestrians. This was why I knew we couldn't fail.

I stayed there for a while, silently remembering the stories my dad had seen fit to tell me about his parents, I think it was almost an hour, since the sun had begun to descend past the horizon.

I walked back to my car to see Jay leaning against his Mustang. I nodded to him curtly and got into my own car. I sat there for a minute, trying to return myself to the present. I started the car and began driving towards the highway.


I know of a place, where none dare tread
Atop the darkest hill,


I turned onto the ramp and began our final northern stretch.


A place of memories, a place of the dead.
The house of the shards of sorrow.


Vinyl tried to get my attention, but I was quietly focused on the road to D.C. while planning how my first encounter with the President would take place.


Gone are their bodies, passed are their souls
Our loved ones enter, to never exit upon the morrow.


Celestia and Octavia had joined Vinyl in the effort to rock me from my stupor, shaking me by my shoulder and calling my name. I finally started to return fully to the world of the conscious and living, but the final words of my poem echoed in my mind before I came out of my reverie.


Though they have left our world, eternal they are
Our memories make them immortal
To never fade, even as we leave
The house of the shards of sorrow.


I blinked a few times before I took on a determined expression. "Alright, ladies... and Celestia." I began with a sly grin. "We have politicians to convince, so let's start planning."

All three women smiled, and we began our work.





"Oh, and I suppose we can just demand that the Head of the CIA tell us if he had a bounty on my head?" I asked sharply, doing my best to keep my volume down. "Yeah, that'll go over really well. And while we're at it, we can tell him that he may have spies from a different dimension hiding within his ranks with no way to prove it!"

"I didn't say it was a perfect plan, I just suggested it so we could make sure you had no problems when we were in Washington!" Jay snapped back in an equally hushed tone.

We were currently sitting outside a bistro near Congress, arguing over the information that Celestia had mysteriously obtained. Apparently those "agents" from back in L.A. were Changeling soldiers that had managed to follow the Equestrians to Earth about four months after their escape from the scourging of their home. Chrysalis was in the process of opening a mass portal to follow the Equestrians to this world.

"And I suppose you have a plan for avoiding their attention while we try to meet my old boss? The President doesn't exactly have an open appointment book for anyone to walk in and chat." I pointed out.

Jay crossed his arms, his usual smile long gone as we argued. "The Princess could just show off her magic..."

I cut Jay off quickly. "And then we'd have to fight off the government scientists that would want to figure out how to duplicate that same magic. It's bad enough we're not human, but what do you think will happen if they figure out how to use magic themselves? Do you want to run the risk of Earth being killed off because we wanted to prove a point?"

We both threw up our hand in exasperation as the girls walked over with our food. Apparently, since we had been changed into Equestrians, the partners to the Equestrian natives had become as vegetarian as the former ponies. I would not forsake the flavor of burgers entirely, however. I graciously accepted my veggie burger with extra cheese, unwrapped the sandwich, and tore into it like a starving man. The burger itself was filling, but I never knew veggie patties could taste as good as the ground chuck I had grown up eating.

I finished the burger before anyone else had even finished half of their own. The looks of disbelief I received were perfect, as even Celestia's mouth was hanging open. "Celestia, it's not very lady-like to gape. However, if you want to catch a fly, that's a very good way to do it." The princess snapped her mouth shut, blushing furiously and giving me a sharp glare. "Don't you have to attend to the Elements of Harmony? Last I checked, Vinyl blows things away with her telekinesis and I can barely make a shield." I started counting off the Elements on my hands. "Applejack could probably break someone's ribs with a light jab, Rarity could talk their ears off, Rainbow Dash could throw them off a cloud, Twilight could probably teleport them into a holding area, Fluttershy has the Stare." I nodded towards Pinkie Pie. "And we could just give her a can of my NOS and let her loose after we got into a bomb shelter."

Pinkie perked up at the idea of being given a drink she'd seen keep me awake and aware for the last two days. "OOH! Is that the stuff in the blue can that you like? I bet its good!"

At that point, everyone looked between me and Pinkie with expressions of fear and disbelief that I could suggest such a thing. Once again, they seemed to ignore just how cracked I had become since the three days in New Orleans. I pulled a can of the aforementioned drink from my bag, holding it loosely at the top. "Maybe we should get to work on finding the other Elements before I get a bad idea?"

Everyone finished eating very quickly before we began our attempt to rendezvous with the rest of the Equestrians and their partners. Today was going to be a long day.


End of Part 1

> Bureaucracy is a Bitch
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	It can never be said that I don't respect authority when that respect is due. My blatant disregard for Celestia's apparent rank is quite simply my way of showing her that I have no inclination to blindly follow a ruler without them proving themselves. She seems to think that I'm an ass because I enjoy it, but, in fact, the opposite is true. I just think she needs to realize that this world doesn't cater to the whims of royalty anymore.

Hopefully she figures that out before someone tries to shoot her...





Today was a good reminder for me as to why I absolutely hate politics.

I had met up with a number of the other teams of background ponies and their human counterparts. Apparently not all of the humans had taken the wonderful "magic pill" that they were offered, as they wanted to know everything involved in the process. When they were told that they would no longer be completely human, they flatly refused. This left the reinforcements that could be sent to Equestria in a state of severe deficiency. As it stood, only the Elements of Harmony and Vinyl had their partners converted. I was in charge of our new little guerilla force while the Princesses explored avenues of obtaining support against Chrysalis and the Changeling army.

The political nonsense started when I received a call from the Office of the President. How they found out who I was escaped me, but the call amounted to what I hoped was going to be a meeting with my former boss. I liked the current President, a woman from Kansas by the name of Loretta Reiser. She was, surprisingly, ex-military and knew most of the Armed Forces inside and out. This didn't detract from her ability to relate to the people of the United States, what with her recent legislature that pushed for tighter crackdowns on repeat violent offenders, gangs, and their ilk. That didn't stop the smaller scale crimes, like those Mikael had committed, ranging from petty theft to outright embezzlement.

But no, instead of meeting with the POTUS, I was sitting in front of the desk of some nameless paper pusher who was reviewing my private petition for informal tactical training of the Equestrians and their partners. I was doing my absolute best to keep my temper down, since the endless stream of questions all amounted to variations of either "Why do you need this?" and "Who will be in charge of the operation?"

I had argued with Celestia for hours, pointing out that I wasn't the only ex-military partner. That aside, I tried to tell her that I was far from qualified as a leader in any capacity. Every one of my objections was promptly brushed aside as she pointed out the last week's occurrences, ranging from me killing Mikael to our rather violent escape from Club PON3, and finally my unintentional act of volunteering to deal with the lower echelon of bureaucrats and brown-nosers.

Which brings us back to my standing plight. This paper-pusher was dangerously close to needing to order a new desk, as he badgered me with queries about the necessity of having beginner-level courses in firearms safety and concurrent classes in self-defense.

"In case you ignored the wonderful little dossier that Mayor Mare put together for you to read, I'll tell you exactly what is going on." This caused the man to give me a sharp, annoyed look, which I returned as I continued speaking. "This whole planet is under threat from a separate world's more unpleasant denizens launching a large scale invasion in order to suck out every last positive emotion our kind can possibly possess. They have the ability to shapeshift into any form, fire little bolts of potentially lethal energy from their bodies, and have little to no sense of mercy." I was nice and didn't remove my glasses, since I already had to deal with this annoying man questioning my professional status on the grounds that "no twenty year-old has naturally white hair" among other things.

"If you are quite done feeding me fairy tales and nonsense, Mister Cross, can you tell me the real reason you need all of this training?" The sneer on the man's face was making me more and more angry by the minute, but I choked down my fury once again. I really wished that Celestia had allowed me to bring Fluttershy along. Aside from having weapons-grade cuteness almost all the time, she had the Stare. I could have obtained entertainment by watching this little paper-pushing dirtbag piss himself until he relented and simply approved my request.

Instead I had to grit my teeth and restrain my urge to introduce his tesicles to the heel of my boot as he discarded every bit of factual data in front of him. "Sir, you have only a few moments of my patience before I simply leave and let you deal with the women who are, in essence, my new bosses." I stood and placed my hands on both sides of the desk as I leaned forward. "And trust me, the older of the two is a royal bitch when she wants to be. Now, if would kindly discard your bigotry, ignorance, skepticism, and any other inhibitive aspects of your current mindset, maybe we can obtain a satisfactory concordance in which I can train my subordinates to handle themselves in the event that one of these Changelings attempts to attack any of us again."

I watched as the politician grabbed a stamp from one side of his desk and slammed it on the top sheet of our petition documents. He lifted it to reveal a big red "DENIED" in the middle of my preliminary report. He smirked, sliding the papers forward. "Have a nice day, Mister Cross. Do try to not bother your government with such silly requests again, it can be considered a federal offense. Just for your future reference."

The average desk weighs almost two hundred pounds on its own. Most of them end up weighing in at a sold three hundred when loaded with all necessities for whatever the owner's job requires. Take that math and compare it to this: I can, on a good day, lift three hundred and fifty pounds above my head, using proper techniques and safety. This man had just treated me like I was beneath his attention, denied my rather serious request for training of a foreign military force, and told me to basically quit wasting his time.

Did you know that a fully loaded desk can become airborne when thrown by an angry Texan farmboy? I didn't, at least not until right then and there, when I wrenched the furniture sharply to the side and sent it crashing through a nearby wall. This had managed to get the little politician's attention rather quickly. I stood tall with my arms crossed. My voice resonated as I projected it with the same authority my old TI had used when "whispering sweet nothings" after one of my major screw-ups.

"Let me make this perfectly clear to you, oh horribly over glorified sack of hot air. I am in the standing enlistment of the Princesses Celestia and Luna of Equestria, Goddesses of the Sun and Moon, and currently displaced refugees. I am not paid enough to deal with little insects like you. I am lined up to be paid for military training and the assisted retaking of their overrun homeland. I have been shot at, chased across the country, been stripped of my very status as a human being, and a number of other things that would take too long to list." I still had my glasses on, but the air around me was starting to spark with the output of my magic. Security officers had rushed in already, but they were too scared to approach me. Even Luna had appeared in the office to see what caused the disturbance. I was too focused on the politician to notice that a growing crowd was watching me scare the piss out of a bureaucrat with extreme prejudice.

"Y-y-you can't do this!" He squeaked. At this I removed my glasses and proceeded to deliver the angriest glare I could muster. It wasn't too hard, since along with the foolishness I had just been dealing with, I was missing a very important ingredient in any of my activities that occurred during daylight hours.

Celestia took away my coffee.





"Well, I'd say that went fairly well, wouldn't you, Luna?" I said cheerfully to the Lunar Princess as we walked away from the White House.

Luna groaned as I hummed Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture. "You demolished an entire office, traumatized a leading politician, and nearly put the Capitol Building into lockdown! How is that remotely 'well'?" Her nearing use of the Royal Canterlot Voice caused me to temporarily pause before I returned to my humming.

"We got the training approved, at least." I replied, mimicking directing a symphony as the signature crescendo approached in my head. "Now we just need to get them conditioned for the prospect of possibly killing the Changelings when the time comes. The hardest ones will be the Elements, since war and harmony aren't exactly two peas in a pod."

At this point Vinyl ran up to the both of us, a panicked look on her face. "Bass Drop!"

"Dammit, woman! Call me Max!"

"Yeah, whatever! Listen, we have a problem." Vinyl was trying to catch her breath.

I raised an eyebrow, pulling out my phone. No messages from any of the other partners. I looked back at Vinyl. "What is so damn important?"

Vinyl's look of panic turned to one of mischief. "You haven't taken me out on a date yet!"

The facepalm I performed at that moment was so hard that I unintentionally used magic with the smack, creating a crack in the ground at my feet from the sound wave. I rubbed my temples, ignoring the looks of shock from the nearby tourists and politicians. "That was your emergency? You want me to take you on a fucking date?!" I growled as I felt a headache coming on. I swear, Vinyl was going to be the death of me if Chrysalis didn't kill us all first. "Don'y we have other things to worry about?"

At that moment, I was reminded of a very important fact: women are evil. Vinyl put her hands together and produced a heart-wrenching puppy dog-eyed look. The piteous expression was painted across her face as she started to tear up. 'I thought she couldn't do that trick... Dammit.' My cute glands were about to explode, since I was  even more hard pressed to say no to the DJ. I had the money, but I needed to supervise the Equestrians' training.

I maintained eye contact for a second too long, since I felt my resolve melt. I reached over and gave Vinyl a hug, trying to stop my traitorous mouth from releasing a series of words that I had been trying to avoid since Vegas. Oh, how miserably I failed...

"Vinyl Scratch, would you like to go to dinner this evening?" I asked, releasing her from the hug to look her in the eyes through our glasses. She raised her glasses before performing the same action with mine.

"I would love to, you sexy sound technician..." She replied before pulling me down into a kiss.

'Fuck inhibitions, she's beautiful...' I thought as she grabbed my hand and we walked to my car.

As we were about to get into the Evo, we were flagged down by a mosh pit of reporters. I glowered harshly at the crowd, which only seemed to attract their attention tenfold. I sighed as the questions began.

"Mister Cross! Jennifer Grace, Capital News. What do you have to say about the reports of the appearances of cartoon characters in the United States?"

"Maximus, right? Darius Yates, CNN. Is it true you are no longer human? If so, how did this happen?"

"Mister Cross!" A third reporter began before I raised my hand for them to stop. A number of cameras were pointed at myself and Vinyl. I looked around the crowd to make sure no one was  about to speak again.

I took a breath before speaking. "I am not at liberty to discuss any details of the current development. If you have any questions, they can be directed to my acting superior, Princess Celestia. Now, if you all don't mind, I am on my way to dinner, and I don't want to speak to any of you for the rest of the day."

"But, Mister Cross..." The man from CNN began again before I shot him a look, silencing him.

"In case that wasn't a sufficient hint, I'll speak a bit more plainly." I looked around, making sure everyone was paying close attention. "It's not my job to deal with you people, now piss off."
> Personal Matters
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	As I said before, I show respect to those who I deem worthy. I'll be honest, though. Celestia seemed to deserve respect right off the bat, Luna was too timid to accept it, and the Elements were oblivious to the concept altogether. I tend to become casual after a few days of interaction with an individual, but sometimes I have to put my foot down and become an absolute asshole. This only comes about under a very specific series of circumstances.

The first is a blatant disregard for another individual's safety or beliefs. This is why I only slightly messed with Celestia after a few days. I felt that she needed to know my boundaries before she went and did something monumentally foolish.

The second is an absence of common courtesy. This happened once with Rainbow Dash, but she quickly found out that there are a few buttons of mine that should never be pressed. She still isn't very happy about being thrown into the pool by the Washington Monument.

The third is paramount and usually can make or break the "asshole evaluation process," depending on the result. This is my immediate judgement of character. I have a habit of making sure the people I work with have at least a few morals that coincide with my own. If they fail, they are immediately demoted to my "shit list."

Can you guess who failed all three?





I'm a patient man. I can weather the trials involved in sitting calmly in a room full of screaming children and flying objects, mostly because I have my music turned up to deafening levels while I take a nap in the midst of the chaos. I can even stand dealing with people like that politician whose office I had recently remodeled.

I hate nobility.

Pompous windbags loaded with enough pretentious superiority and overall snobbishness whose only purpose in the world is to waste valuable time and money. The nobility of Equestria had, for the most part, perished in the Canterlot assault. However, fate is a sadistic bitch and uses me as a personal situational punching bag every few weeks. Out of all the nobles to survive, I loathed only one of them: Blueblood, or, as I had dubbed him, Blueballs.

When I entered the interim command center for the Equestrians and their guerilla forces that I had been put in charge of for whatever reason, Blueblood had promptly walked up to me and made several loud demands for better living arrangements. He had pointed to a rather nice little setup consisting of a cot, sleeping bag, and secondary thermal blankets.

"What's the issue? You have one of the nicest cots in the barracks?" I'd asked irritably. In my defense, I normally don't go straight to irritable, but this princeling had a grating voice, an abrasive personality, and I was extremely hungover. "That little setup is like the Ritz compared to the cot I'm using."

"I don't care what your arrangements are, peasant!" Remember the kill authorization sequence I'd gone through with Mikael? Yeah...

Bitch slap evaluation commencing...

"First off, I'm going to let you know now that I'm descended directly from blood older than Fireball Flank herself," I snapped harshly, eliciting only a loud huff from Blueblood. "So shut your trap and get back to... whatever it is you do."

He poked me in the chest sharply. "I could have you strung up for speaking to a prince like that, peasant." He was already up to security level two in my restraints? This guy could make an excellent distraction...

Authorized. Force determination sequence initiated.

"I'm going to tell you this only once," I growled before I leaned in close, removing my glasses so my icy glare could be seen. "I don't get paid for this. Ergo, I don't get paid to deal with your nonsense. I have the patience of a saint when it comes to certain things, and entitlement is not one of them."

Blueblood backed up quickly at my display of contained rage, eyeing me in the same manner a mouse would a cat that had it cornered. "I-I-I will report you for this!" He said shakily. "Who is in charge of this riff-raff? Who is your superior?"

Force determination completed: head movement required for proper message delivery. Continue? Y/N

"Whispering Sweet Nothings" is the title given to the harsh, albeit quiet, private discussion a drill instructor will have with a trainee when they screw up badly enough. I had never perfected the technique until that moment. My blood boiled with the temperature of a supernova as I moved closer to Blueblood, glaring him directly in the eyes.

"Who do you think is in charge here, dirtbag?"

And there went his bladder...

"Please don't hurt me!" He wailed.

I didn't let up on my glare, but I sighed tiredly. "Do you really think a little piss-ant like you is worth my time?" I closed my eyes and shook my head. "I've met children who could stand up to me without flinching. And you know what? One of them is over there with the Pink Demon." I pointed to Jay and Pinkie, who were working on what appeared to be the infamous Party Cannon. I listened closely before hearing the unnerving cackle from my cousin as he completed some new and, more than likely, dangerous enhancement. "That twerp has laughed openly at people hundreds of times more frightening than myself, so don't you think it's up to your status as a grown ass man to show him up?"

Blueblood's eyes switched from fear to outrage. "You would compare me to some child? I am Prince Blueblood, and I..."

I smacked Blueblood with almost bone cracking force, sending him to the floor. "You ain't 'Prince' anything now, dirtbag. Your title, until I say otherwise, is now Private Blueballs! Now, on your face, and give me fifty!"

The Iron Cross had entered the building, and I would not be fucked with.





"Maximus, I need to speak with you," Celestia said quietly after my period of sadistic abuse of Blueballs.

I turned to face her, my expression flat. "What did I do this time, Fireball Flank?"

Her eye twitched a bit at my nickname for her. "I need to ask you why my nephew looks as if you just locked him in a room with Snowflake on one of his workout days."

My control broke immediately as I burst into laughter.

"This is no laughing matter!" Celestia snapped. I didn't care, since she had just given me a new idea.

I choked down a longer bout of laughter before responding. "I didn't do that, but thanks for the idea..." I watched Celestia's face turn red in a matter of seconds. "Oh, calm down. I didn't permanently damage him." I crossed my arms and smirked in the direction of Blueballs, who was currently stretched out on his cot, wincing in pain from every breath.

"What. Did. You. DO."

I dropped my smirk immediately, returning the almost lethal glare the Sun Goddess was sending my way. "That spoiled little fucktard has the potential to be a great leader. However, he needs to learn humility before he can be put in a position where other people's or ponies' lives depend on his decisions." I shot my hand out to point at Blueballs, my own face a mask of fury. "If he can't be polite to a random stranger and hold his tongue, his stupidity will get not only himself, but those under him, killed." I then moved my pointed finger to Celestia. "You have failed to beat some common sense and courtesy into that idiot, so I'm doing him and you a favor. So, instead of assuming that I was putting your nephew through the wringer for shits and giggles, think about the fact that he is getting the beating on his ego that he needed."

The silence and tension between myself and Celestia could have been cut with a knife as we glared at one another with raw fury. I refused to give, remembering the last time I'd been a participant in a staring contest against her. This time, however, I wasn't going to give her the benefit of my droll humor. I removed my glasses and allowed my ice blue eyes to make full contact with her own purple gaze. Before long, I could see Celestia's rage simmering down as her own gaze softened slightly.

"I didn't realize he'd become so..."

"Stuck up? Arrogant? Foolish? Stop me when I hit the right one," I sighed as I calmed myself down and allowed my eyes to return to their typical half-lidded gaze and put my glasses back on. "Like I said, he has potential. I just need to help him get his head out of his ass. We need all the leaders we can get, and Blueballs is a good candidate for a position of command."

Celestia looked down in shame as Luna walked toward us. "Sister, is something amiss? Did Maximus Cross distress you in some way?"

Celestia began to tear up, her shoulders shaking as she contained her sobs. "No, Luna. If anything, he just helped us more than I ever thought possible..."

I turned away, looking over my shoulder. "I'm getting a drink. Would you two care to join me?"

Both sisters looked at one another before smiling. Celestia spoke first, "That would be lovely, Mister Cross."

"Prithee, Maximus Cross, do taverns of this dimension carry the nectar known as wine?"

I looked at Luna with one eyebrow cocked. "I think we need to expand the preferences of your palate, Luna..."





Hangovers suck.

I say this because I was dumb enough to try out-drinking both Luna and Fireball Flank. Celestia was down after just a few glasses of beer, but Luna...

In the space of an hour, we had managed to both become very intoxicated. The one advantage Luna had, however, was her mastery of magic. Did you know that she and Twilight had developed a spell to purge any toxins from the system of anyone that the spell was used on?

Yeah, neither did I...

She and I were well into the tenth round of our contest when she used that spell. I had no chance, since I was so plastered that I wouldn't have noticed an elephant stampede on my head. I took my fourteenth and final shot before I fell off my stool and onto the ground. I only vaguely remember the details beyond that, but apparently I spent the entire trip back to Luna and Celestia's hotel room shamelessly flirting with the princess of the night. Not only did that happen, but I'm told that Luna flirted right back with a vengeance until I passed out on her bed.

This is why Luna is best princess.

Returning to the subject of hangovers. My variety, for whatever reason, have very rarely consisted of the full gamut of side effects. That is to say that I get all of the light sensitivity, fatigue, and partial disorientation, but almost never the splitting headache. This was the case I rolled around on an unfamiliar bed, stretching and doing my best to face away from the window. When I let my arms fall back down next to my sides, a slender, tanned arm crossed my vision before I felt a warm breath tickle my neck.

'Uh...'

I slowly turned my head to see Luna scooting closer to me, a content smile on her face. So, I did what any rational young man would do...

"WHATTHEFUCKNO!" I yelled at the top of my lungs, scrambling out of the bed and pressing myself against a nearby wall. Okay, maybe not so rational...
> Meetings With Politicians and Other Headaches
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	The effects of alcohol are such that many first-time drinkers tend to overestimate their capacity and tolerance for its intoxicating effects. I'm no lightweight, at least not anymore. Back then, however, I was done after less than a whole bottle of straight liquor. I knew that morning was going to be interesting when I woke up with Luna, but now that I think about it, I consider myself lucky that she even consented to letting me sleep with her. To this day, she won't say if we did anything.

I'm certainly happy that I didn't end up bedding Cloud Kicker or one of the other promiscuous Equestrians. I don't think I'd ever hear the end of it. I could only hope at the time that Vinyl would forgive me... Or at least not demand that the Princess of the Night share the next time she and I ended up getting frisky.

That morning was to bring a number of exasperating dilemmas, but I think I'll return to my reaction after what Luna now refers to as my "Flight Amongst the Stars"...





"Maximus Cross, this hour is not suitable for such clamor, now please return to the bed. We are feeling a chill." Luna grumbled loudly as I flattened myself against the wall, hyperventilating.

Hangovers may suck, but the bad decisions that result from drinking too much are far worse. I had no problems with Luna whatsoever. I did, however have problems with the fact that I couldn't remember a damn thing from after we left the bar. "What the hell!? Did we...? Did I...? What happened last night?" I couldn't really form a long sentence that early in the morning, and my impending panic attack was doing me no good in that department.

"Maximus. We command you to return to this bed immediately, or we will force you to do so." Luna looked so cute with the tired, albeit irritated pout she was sending my way. "What happened this past evening is of no concern. A more pressing matter is at hand."

"What the hell could be more pressing than me worrying about whether or not I spent last night getting freaky with the Princess of the Night!?" I fired back.

Luna got up from the bed, exposing her nude body. I blushed so hard that I think my face could've been mistaken for a ripe tomato. She walked right up to me, put her face in mine and said, "You. Bed. Now." The fact that she was so close, and she seemed to be projecting enough authority that she could've made my drill instructors piss themselves was enough for me to fall back into my formerly latent military habits, as short lived as they had been.

I'm one of the lucky few people in the world who has a decent set of lungs, and I can be heard when I want to be. What I had failed to take into account, however, was the magic that had mixed into my body and I still had yet to learn full control of. I snapped to attention, stared Luna in the eye and yelled at the top of my lungs. "PROCEEDING, MA'AM!"

The resulting concussive explosion of sound from my moderately deep voice, enhanced by magic, caused the window in the room to not only shatter, it outright exploded. Several pieces of furniture in the room were flipped into nearby walls, and the door connecting Luna's room to Celestia's blew off its hinges, embedding itself in the opposite wall, just over the head of the room's occupant. Miraculously, Luna stood her ground, still naked, still glaring at me, and still scaring the hell out of me with nothing but pure authority.

We both stood there for a few seconds before I sprinted to the flipped over bed, corrected it's position, and jumped back under the covers, hiding from the angry Luna. I felt her slide back into her own spot, cuddle up next to me, and within a few minutes, heard her quiet snoring.

Yeah. Today was going to be interesting.





I could hear the loud tapping of someone's foot against the floor, but I was comfortable, and after the shenanigans of the early morning, I was unwilling to leave the bed without Luna's say-so. I squeezed my eyes shut and scooted closer to Luna's slight frame, pulling her closer. I heard a quiet, contented sigh from her as I tried to get comfortable again, only for me to be levitated out of the bed, still very naked, and dropped on the floor next to my clothes, which were piled next to the shattered window of the room.

"Maximus, would you care to explain why an entire door was stuck in the wall over my head when I woke this morning?" Celestia asked in a falsely sweet voice tinged with undertones of malicious glee.

As I tiredly pulled my underwear on, I pointed at Luna. "She made me do it." Okay, I was acting childish, but I was already planning on getting back at Fireball Flank for waking me up. "Hey! Luna!" I called over to the still drowsy woman. "Sun Buns wants to hear about this morning's fun."

Luna sat up in her bed and stretched, yawning cutely with a tiny squeak. She rubbed her eyes as she spoke, "Tia, you never told me that Maximus Cross could utilize the Royal Canterlot Voice."

"It wasn't your overglorified caps lock..." I grumbled as I pulled my boots on, fighting with the laces as they tried to take refuge inside the footwear.

Celestia's eye's widened as she looked at me. "You did this," She gestured around the room. "With your voice?"

After I pulled my shirt over my head, I gave her a flat look. "Well, when I was refueling jets, I had to sound off like I had a pair. Add that to the fact that I can't control this damn magic you stuck me with, and yeah. I made this mess." I shrugged, not in a dismissive manner, but to make sure my shirt was seated properly before I pulled on my trench coat.

Celestia stepped in front of me as I made to walk towards the door. "We need to talk about this before it becomes a problem. There may have been some other side effects."

I glared at her. "Listen, you overbearing puttana. If I'm turning into some sort of Gary Stu alicorn knockoff, you had better fix it. I'd much rather be a pegasus, anyway. Popping a wing-boner is a lot less destructive than leveling a building with a magic flare." I shoved her out of the way. "Now, if you don't mind, I'm going to wait outside while you two get ready."

Luna looked at me curiously. "Ready for what?"

Before I walked out the door, I turned back to look at them both. "If I'm not mistaken, I need to be there when you two meet with my country's leader. You know, the President of the United States? I'm probably going to be flirting with Rainbow the whole time, but I still need to be there, since you saw fit to put me in charge of your little mini-army." I opened the door and slammed it so hard that the section of wall around it cracked. 'I ain't paying for that,' I thought before walking down the hall to wait in the lobby.





"Please, Max?" Twilight begged as I gave her a flat look.

"No."

"Please?

"No."

"Why not?"

I sighed, rubbing my eyes tiredly. "Because I don't want to deal with touring around a building and risk running into more politicians than is necessary. I'm already breaking rule 22 by being here."

Twilight Sparkle was one stubborn egghead. She was currently trying to beggar me into going on a tour of the White House. I'll admit, it was tempting because I was a bit of a history geek, but I hated the possibility of running into any members of the Presidential Cabinet before our meeting with the President herself. Loretta Reiser was a good leader in my opinion, and I was slightly eager to meet her. Unfortunately, her Secretary of Defense, Michael Grossman, was an absolute ass.

"Mister Cross, hello!" Speak of the devil...

"Mister Secretary. Do what do I owe this unwanted pleasure?" Okay, maybe I could've been a bit nicer, but I was still tired and wanted nothing to do with anyone until I'd had at least two pots of coffee. I'd only had a single cup that morning.

I turned around to face the Secretary of Defense. Michael was an older man, I'd guess he was in his mid-40's, but he could have been older. The wrinkles on his face were still minimal, but his German descent showed, what with the still brownish blonde hair that was half-laced with streaks of gray. His wire-frame glasses aided the sight of his beady green eyes. He was dressed in the stereotypical suit of a D.C. politician and had an American flag lapel pin... On the wrong side.

"Is there something wrong, Mister Cross?" Apparently my attention to detail had caused my distaste for his lack of proper etiquette to show.

I waved off-handedly. "Di niente, Mister Secretary." I saw a Secret Service agent approaching us, so I saw fit to be at least a little subtle. "Though I thought that those little lapel pins were supposed to be worn on the left side, do you mind if I fix it for you?"

Michael's eyes widened a bit as he realized his mistake. Why is it that almost everyone that I've met whose name is Michael or some variation of it seems to be either an ass, incompetent, or both? Its give people with the name Michael a bad reputation. He let his arms fall flat to his sides while I removed the pin. I caught a slight smirk from the agent as he passed by and saw what I was doing.

"So, Mister Secretary, since I have you here, mind if I grill you a bit about the situation with the Air Force?" I asked as I meticulously positioned the lapel pin on the left side as I had to with my old dress blues. He really needed to get this thing retailored. The guy was skinny as a rail, and the jacket was way too loose.

Michael looked at me in minor shock. "I didn't know that you would be interested in our military, Mister Cross. Would you care to tell me why you're so interested?"

I pushed the pin through the lapel, leaning back a bit to check my work. I needed to move it up a little bit. "Despite my outward appearance, Mister Secretary, I'm actually a former Airman. The military lifestyle may have not really been for me, but I'm still not too old to go back in. I want to make sure that I'm not going to have to worry about being booted out because of budget cuts like before." I finished positioning the pin and pressed it through, putting the frog on the back. I straightened out the Secretary's jacket and brushed off some errant dust.

I could tell that he was uncomfortable as I regarded him through my red glasses. "Well, I do think that you should schedule an appointment to speak to me about such... official matters." He held a hand out. "Thank you for fixing my pin, Mister Cross. I hope your meeting with the President goes well."

I grasped his hand and squeezed a bit tighter than was necessary while I shook it. "So do I, Mister Secretary. Maybe we can have a more productive conversation over a few drinks, if time and circumstances allow, hmm?" I released his hand and had to keep from chuckling as he flexed it a few times to reactivate the blood flow.

"I'll keep that in mind, Mister Cross. Now, I do have a meeting with the other cabinet members, so if you'll excuse me..." Grossman delivered a curt nod before hurrying off to gods know where.

I started chuckling as soon as he was out of earshot, which garnered Twilight's attention. "What's so funny?"

"I just made the Secretary of Defense piss himself. My day is now perfect."
> Never Paid Enough
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	There's always been a karmic balance in the world, I suppose. Action and reaction, blah, blah, blah. Hell, it was one of the founding bases for my own beliefs. The way the world works is that every good thing you do will be met with something equally good in return. The same goes for negative actions. However, luck has a slightly different way of working.

Luck can be interpreted however you like. Whether it's good or bad is up to you. Whatever the case may be, the universe has a sick and twisted way of balancing even the tiniest bits of luck with its antithesis.

Don't believe me? Well, let me tell you what happened after I scared the piss out of the Secretary of Defense...





I was led to the Oval Office shortly after my exchange with Secretary Grossman. I was still chuckling evilly as we entered the room, earning more than my fair share of dirty looks from Twilight. I wasn't happy that Vinyl couldn't be here, but she was working on a mobile bass cannon prototype back at the workshop she had been granted. I looked around the room, seeing the other Elements and the Princesses present, and one additional person, whom I didn't recognize.

This guy was big. I mean really fucking big. I could tell he was Russian right off the bat, but what caught my attention was the fact that this guy looked like the unholy bastard child between Vladimir Putin and the Punisher. He was decked out in so much black, I could swear the light was trying to actively run away from him. Black boots, black pants, black everything!

He looked at me when I walked in, and I kid you not, I met the karmic balance of the world right then and there. I've seen some scary people before, and even Sun Buns didn't faze me, but this guy's eyes were as cold as the Siberian hell I was sure he had been spawned from. I almost considered lowering my glasses to get a look at his aura, but common sense stopped me from doing so. I walked up to him, choking down my nerves until I spotted the tell-tale signs that made me ease up a little. This guy was military. He stood straight, feet perfectly spread apart in a parade rest stance, his eyes never stopped moving, and he looked like a coiled snake ready to strike.

I stopped a couple feet away from him. We both stared at each other for a few seconds before he spoke. "Can I help you, dovarisch?" Damn, that was one thick Russian accent. He may have scared the piss out of me, but I liked him already.

I held a hand out. "Maximus Cross, partner to Vinyl Scratch, walking ire of Sun Buns over there," I nodded back to a very irritated-looking Celestia. "And impromptu supervisor of the training of the regular Equestrian forces."

He looked at me, and I could see his eyes in detail now. One was black as night and the other a light brown. Both were devoid of apparent emotion, and again I refrained from removing my glasses. He grasped my hand and shook it. "A pleasure to be meeting you, Maximus Cross. I am Dimitri Kovak, partner to Fluttershy, and private contractor for military."

Well, I wasn't getting much out of this guy, so I went against my better judgement and removed my glasses to try to get a read on him. I'll tell you now, despite the fact that I had almost literally stared down the sun, this guy's aura was bright. There was such a maelstrom of intricate emotions and focus that I couldn't keep track of it all. I could spot the link between him and the Element of Kindness, as well as a line of attention directed towards Celestia. The thing that caught my attention, though, was his own eyes. They had a perfect focus of energy swirling inside of them, which made me curious.

"So, Kovak, what ability did you get stuck with?" That caught his attention really fast. I could feel his eyes trying to bore into mine, so I cut my aura sight temporarily, and matched his glare with my own. Anyone who was foolish enough to try to get between the two of us would have probably lost a limb or two, there was so much energy fluctuating between our glares.

Dimitri chuckled a bit before his gaze returned to normal. "I am able to be seeing things faster than most. What about you, Cross?"

I smirked while crossing my arms over my chest. "Aura sight. And, most recently, the Royal Canterlot Voice. Though, that was a bit of an accident..." I laughed nervously as I could feel a mixture of Celestia's disapproval and Luna's... I don't even want to know what Luna was thinking. It probably didn't bode well for me, anyhow. "So, how does a big, scary-looking apparent badass end up being partnered with the walking embodiment of cuteness over there?" I looked over to Fluttershy, who was, as always, being shy.

"Is long story. For now, I am thinking your President wishes to be speaking with us when she arrives."

I sighed and turned to face the desk while we waited for the leader of the free world.





True to my word, I spent almost the entire time flirting with the Element of Loyalty while we waited. What can I say? I may have a thing for Vinyl, but jock girls are hot. We'd already buried the hatchet about me tossing her into the water and were currently trying to see who would fare better in a race if I could fly. The overall evaluation was that while she had natural talent and an insane amount of speed, I had a scientific understanding of the way flight worked and how to attain maximum velocity and control.

"I already told you, Spectrum Head, you may have the most maneuverability, but I would have you in a straight sprint. My wings would be bigger and I'd be able to maximize the use of local air currents." I smirked as Rainbow crossed her arms over her chest and pouted.

"Yeah, right," she snapped back. "Bigger isn't always better, you know. And you're built almost as big as Snowflake. Are you sure you two aren't related in some way?" She poked my chest and blushed a bit when it had almost no give. I shook with silent laughter at her flustered state.

While we continued to poke and prod at each other, I heard the door to the office open before the agent at the door said, "Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States." At this, it took all of my willpower to not snap to attention. I turned around and spotted the President walking around Dimitri to seat herself at the position that had played host to dozens of presidents before her. 

Loretta Reiser did not look like the kind of person one would expect to be the leader of the free world. She had slightly graying brown hair that cascaded down her back for the most part while her bangs framed her young face. Her soft green eyes hid a spark of resilience that only showed itself when someone insulted her family or when she was preparing to bring down the proverbial hammer on someone who made her mad in some other way. This, coupled with the fact that she didn't look anywhere near her age of 54 made her not only one of the most charismatic, but also one of the most physically attractive female politicians in the history of the United States.

She scanned across our motley crew of Equestrians and former humans alike, but her gaze stopped on me. I saw a glint of recognition for a moment before she stood and walked around to get a closer look at me. I felt nervous as those piercing eyes scrutinized me from head to toe. I was about to speak until she gasped.

"Maxxy! It is you!" That was the only warning before I was embraced by the President. Needless to say, I was confused.

I pushed her off of me and removed myself to just beyond arm's reach. "Madame President, I don't think we've actually ever met..."

The stern look she gave me could have curdled milk in ten seconds flat. "You don't recognize your own aunt?"

I believe that was going to be the first of several times that I would receive a chorus of "What!?" from a group of people that say.

I could only stare dumbly at the leader of the free world as she stared at me expectantly. I went through the list of relations and looked over to Jay for help, but he was equally confused. Then I recalled one distant relation.

"Wait... Auntie Lori? I thought you were still in Wichita? No one ever told me you had been running for office." I facepalmed as I recalled the spring break my mother had forced me to go to Kansas to help Aunt Lori remodel part of her house in the middle of what I dubbed as "bum-fucked nowhere, Kansas." While that was the most fun I'd had as a kid, I also came to know why everyone in my family had some kind of ties to the military. Aunt Lori was a drill sergeant in her own respect, and it showed when she yelled over power tools, band saws, and a number of other pieces of loud equipment to make sure I knew that I was a quarter inch off on a joint that I was getting ready to install.

"Max, who is this?" Jay piped up.

I gave him a withering look. "You never had to meet her, I guess. This is Auntie Loretta. She's Mama Tammy's second cousin." I saw the look of horror cross Jay's face as he was reminded of our very religious grandmother. I loved her to death, but every time I went to Mama Tammy's house, it was "God" this and "Jesus" that. She didn't seem to want to accept that I was perfectly happy regarding my religion that revolved around nature as my choice. The standing joke was that if I was forced to go to a church for anything other than weddings, funerals, or community service, the doorway would scorch in a matter of milliseconds if the threshold was not defiled with blood before I entered the premises.

"Aunt Lori, while it's a pleasure to see you again, I think we're here for other matters." I returned to my business mode. I didn't want to spend more time in a confined area with Sun Buns for any longer than necessary, since I knew she had a lot of new questions for me.

Celestia seemed to sense my distress, since she chose right then to walk up next to me. "Maximus, would you care to explain why you never mentioned that your country's leader was your aunt?"

I shot her a glare. "I didn't know. Have you not pieced that together yet, Princess?"

Celestia huffed before sending me a telepathic message. "This isn't over."

I rubbed my temples in exasperation. I really didn't get paid enough for this shit...
> The First Strike
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	Ah, the wonders of politics. Yeah, I guess I should have figured out that Aunt Lori was the President early on, but I was a bit more concerned with refueling jets at the time. After the nonsense was dealt with, though, we managed to get down to business. It's not that hard to evaluate a threat when the leaders of the victimized party are present to give a full report, but I think that my aunt had a mild heart attack when Discord appeared in the room. Little known fact, even though he's the God of Chaos, Discord can still be brought down by a good kick between the legs.

But I digress. The following day was... unpleasant, to say the least. Why? Because I was about to meet with the head of the CIA to ask why several of his agents had tried to kill me in Burbank...





"Ah! Mister Cross! The Director is ready for you now, if you want to see him." The secretary at the front desk of the Central Intelligence Agency was a little too chipper for my tastes, but I suppose after my little outburst at the Capitol, the federal government probably decided that it would have been in their best interest to not mess with me. I only put a guy's desk through a wall, for the gods' sake. It wasn't like I leveled an entire building.

I removed my glasses, making sure to keep my eyes from opening fully while shaking my head. "I'm fine with waiting. I was actually hoping I could get a tour of the Agency, if that's alright."

The secretary, whose nameplate showed her name as Claire, started to visibly sweat. I figured this would be a problem at some point, what with my new technical dual citizenship. "W-well, we would have to run a background check on you and ensure you had the proper clearance..."

"I have military records if that helps," I supplied. Then I pulled a folder from my bag with a load of paperwork I never thought I'd ever have to use. "And this is my security clearance investigation file from when I was enlisting. I'm still active, if I remember correctly."

Again, I could read this woman like a billboard as she relaxed visibly. "That helps me quite a bit, Mister Cross."

"Please. Call me Max," I said. "Having the title of 'Mister' in front of my name makes me feel old. I'm pretty sure I'm the youngest non-federal employee in this building anyhow." I chuckled at Claire's raised eyebrow. "I only just turned 21 a few weeks ago. Now, about that tour...?"

"That will have to wait, Mister Cross," a male voice called out from my left. I turned to see a tall African-American man in a well-kept black suit and red tie looking at me. I looked around the reception area at that moment, realizing just how much I stood out with my trench coat and urban clothing. "I'm Director Greg Ferris." At this, he walked up to me and held out a hand to shake.

I grasped the proffered hand and shook it, making sure to keep my grip firm, but not as much as I'd used on the SecDef. "Maximus Cross, al vostro servizio. I'd prefer to wait until one of my new leaders is here. I've not had the best experience with attempting to be... polite, without Sun Buns or Luna present to keep me in check." We released each other's hands, and Greg looked at me with slight trepidation. "Don't worry. We're not going to have a repeat of the incident with what occurred at the Capitol."

At that moment, Luna appeared in a flash of cobalt light, decked out in a blue feminine business suit. She had traded her full royal regalia for a pair of simple, but still very well polished silver bracers with moonstones embedded along the edges. "And I would hope you don't ever intend to do such a thing again, Maximus Cross. Tia and I had quite the time calming that poor man down after you threw a desk that used to be bolted to the floor through a wall. I am still interested as to how you managed such a feat."

I shrugged noncommittally. "A mix of my temper, chi, and that damnable magic in my veins, I suppose. I'd do it all over again to that one twit if I could. He..."

I was interrupted by the Director clearing his throat. "As many questions as I'm sure you have for Mister Cross, Princess, I understand he has questions of his own for me?" Greg looked at me expectantly.

At that moment, I allowed my eyes to open to their normal gaze. "That would be something we need to discuss away from prying ears, Director. It's... a sensitive matter."





"I must admit, this is a troubling development."

"No shit, Director." I said with a flat look. "So these guys were really federal agents? What were they doing going after us in California?"

Director Ferris scooted away from his desk before standing and moving to the large screen in his office. "According to what records we have, your name was flagged when you came into contact with Misses Scratch and Philharmonica, but that was only on a surveillance basis, since you posed no threat. These agents were acting on someone else's orders."

Luna spoke up at that point, "Director, if you have individuals such as Maximus being watched, what is to stop more of these agents from going after other Equestrians and their partners before they can be brought under our protection? Surely you must see where that poses a risk to not only our subjects, but the humans they have come into contact with." She crossed her arms and regarded Ferris with the same authority she and Celestia had displayed when faced with things like this. "I propose that you let Mister Cross and his teams handle bringing in everypony else before this can happen again."

The Director's eyes widened a bit at that last bit. "You can't be serious! What makes you think I can authorize such an action? What you are proposing could pose a security risk to not only my agency, but the entirety of the United States!" He shook his head before continuing, "I'm sorry, Princess, but I cannot allow you to go forward with such a plan. I have Homeland Security and the Department of Defense breathing down my neck as it is, since they don't even want you all to have your own military forces being trained right here in the capitol."

I stood at that point, putting away the knife I was using to cut loose strings off of my clothes. "Director Ferris, this isn't a request. Either you give us the surveillance files you've compiled on the remaining Equestrians and their human partners, or I can have Sun Buns come in here and make you give them to us." I pointed at the Princess, "Luna is only here because she knows how to play nice better than her sister in situations like this. I'm here because I was shot at and regretfully killed more than one of your rogue agents in self-defense. You're the person we went to because I suggested that you might not have your head rammed up your backside and jammed up there with a bureaucratic pole." I leaned on the desk and stared the Director dead in the eyes before continuing, "If you aren't going to help us, then we can both just walk out of this building right now and no amount of resources you have can stop us."

The sweat was beginning to form on Ferris' forehead as both Luna and I stared at him, waiting for an answer. He seemed more than a bit conflicted as he paced around the room, occasionally mumbling something to himself. Finally, he came to a stop directly next to myself and Luna.

"Tell me what you need."
> Fine Tuning
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	I have to wonder how long it took before Celestia and Luna realized just how little control I had over my magic. It certainly took them longer than it should have to act upon such knowledge, and it ended up causing quite a bit of damage. It turned out that my accidental use of the "Royal Canterlot Voice" was nothing more than an adrenaline-stimulated magical flare. Sure, I could make a shield or lock someone down when I was worked up enough, but my control beyond that was atrocious.

Acknowledging that, the decision was made that I should be trained by somepony with finer control of their magic. I suppose it was just my luck that I was landed with the Queen of Conniption Fits herself, the Element of Generosity, Rarity Belle... And quite possibly the greatest instructor I've ever had.





"No." I snapped. "It's not going to happen."

Celestia sighed in irritation. "You have no say in the matter, Maximus. You need to learn better control under intense situations or else you'll end up hurting not only yourself, but those around you." She grabbed me by the arm and proceeded to drag me towards the room of the one Element I wanted nothing to do with. Perhaps I can explain this distaste a bit better.

I had a less than favorable opinion of Rarity Belle. She seemed like a stuck-up high-class pain in the ass that I would do everything in my power to avoid. Even when I saw her in the Oval Office, I didn't so much as say a word to her. In fact, I'd made it quite clear that I wanted nothing to do with her. And now, because she supposedly has the best control over her magic out of any of the Equestrians that made it to this world, I was being forced under her tutelage.

"Dammit, woman, I told you I don't wanna." My complaints fell upon uncaring ears as Celestia kept a tight grip on my wrist to keep me from bolting while using the other hand to lightly knock on the door we had stopped at. "This is tantamount to abuse, Sun Buns. Let me go, already!"

At that moment, the door opened and I was faced with the Element of Generosity... And she just happened to be wearing nothing but a towel. Yeah, the universe hates me.

Upon seeing Celestia, Rarity bowed as low as she could before speaking, "Oh, my, Princess! I didn't know you would be here this soon! If you would allow me a few minutes to make myself presentable..." She started edging towards the open bathroom, which still seemed to have steam rolling out.

"Oh, that won't be necessary, Rarity. Maximus here will be staying with you for the time being. Do try to keep him out of trouble?" Celestia said with a slight twinkle in her eye. "He's quite the handful."

My own eye twitched in annoyance at this before I spat out, "Come sei così perfetto, cagna!" As soon as the last word left my lips, I felt a hand smack me hard. I traced the contact to Rarity, who looked livid.

"That is no way to speak to a lady, much less a Princess, you lout!" She snapped with all the authority of a drill sergeant. "You apologize to her right this instant!"

I stood there, rubbing my cheek a bit. For such a delicate woman, she had one helluva left. Anyone who ever asks "If she hit you so hard, why didn't you hit back?" will promptly be thrown out a window. Personal rule of mine: no matter how hard she hits, you never lay a hand on a woman in anger. That kind of action is just evil and wrong... That said, I had no compunctions about firing right back in the verbal department.

"Why don't you make me, you over-excitable banshee? I'm not apologizing unless Sun Buns does, too." I got close to Rarity, glaring right back at her.

This was not a smart decision.





You ever wonder why women end up being the real decision-making half of any relationship? It's because they're scary when they're mad. I don't know why, but not long after I made my smart remark to Rarity, I found myself in the position of "packmule" while the fashionista dragged me all around D.C. to hit almost every store in the city.

"Women are evil..." I muttered as I lifted the bags into the back of my car. "They're evil and this one is their ringleader."

"Come along now, Max. We still have another dozen stores before today is done," Rarity chirped happily.

Screw being the ringleader. Rarity Belle invented feminine evil.

For all we both knew, this was going to be the majority of the day. Frankly, I would have been just peachy acting as a packmule if it meant avoiding what was coming next. At the very moment we exited the most recent store, gunfire resounded from down the street. Everyone in the vicinity started ducking and running away from the sound... Except me. 

What can I say? I have something akin to a death wish. Well, that, and I have a semi-inborn obligation to make sure no one gets hurt. Too many problems because one person can't control themselves? Yeah, not on my watch.

I made my way to the area where the gunfire came from and saw a man in a dark blue suit holding an AK-74, spraying fire into the crowd that was trying to get away from him. A manic grin painted his visage, making his instability all the more apparent. Then I saw the bomb strapped to his chest.

Yeah, I know, we never let anyone know about that part of the incident so as to not totally frighten the public. I crouched low and moved to a position where I could lunge at him. This was when I performed the action that so famously made its way onto YouTube a few days later.

"Hey, fucker!" I shouted. "Let's do this! LEEROOOOOY JENKINS!" With my shout, a shockwave blasted out from me and knocked the gunman off his feet and into a table nearby. I took that opportunity to bum-rush him and dived on top of him and pinned both of his arms to the ground before bringing my leg up to nail him between the legs with all of my strength and momentum. The pain must have put him in a state of shock, because he didn't struggle, he just stared up at the sky and let out this pitiful squeaking moan. "Now stay there. I'm not in the mood for extended ass-whoopings today."

I stood and turned around to see Celestia and Rarity smirking at me. I was confused for a moment until I saw the air shimmer and the scenery faded back to me holding Rarity's shopping bags.

"I would say he did quite well, don't you?" I heard Celestia say from nearby. I spun to face her and used magic to force her to the ground. After she was down, I walked up to her and stuck my face in hers before beginning to rant.

"Are you fucking serious? You used an illusion on me? What in spirits' names is wrong with you? That's low and you know it you stupid woman! What would have happened if I'd actually hurt someone?" She was silent as I continued to glare at her. "Well?" I thundered.

Both Rarity and Celestia looked shocked when I started yelling, and now they looked ashamed. Served them right... Wait... Why did I feel so bad about telling them off? Oh, right. Women...

"Listen," I began. "You two probably think you were doing me some good, but this isn't the way to go about teaching me control. I'm a bit of a hands-on learner." I was quiet for a bit before I looked at Celestia. "And not that kind of hands-on, Sun Buns."

Both women were silent for a short while as my secondary quip sunk in...

*SMACK*

Perhaps I should have chosen my words a bit more carefully.
> Nightmares
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	I noticed that, not long after the whole weird-ass cutie mark thing, I started having some freaky dreams. Some were good, some were... not. The worst of the bunch was one in particular. You remember the old Ghost Rider comics, right? Especially the Penance Stare? Well... This was like that. I would say that it helped form me into the lovely individual that I am today, but we can both see how well that turned out.

The only thing that everyone else remembers is that even Luna couldn't break into these nightmares. That's right, queen of the night and dreams, Miss Sexy Tidal Thighs herself couldn't get into a dream. Why? Because these weren't dreams.

They were memories.





I went to bed the night after Sunny and Rarity's little "lesson," still fuming about their shortsightedness and still massaging my sore face. To be perfectly honest, Rarity hit harder than Sun Buns by a long shot. All of that said, I figured I could apologize to them later, after I'd put some ice on my sore jaw... and maybe some alcohol through my liver. As I settled down to fall asleep, I figured something was a bit off, but I was in no state of mind to properly register the eerie blackish blue glow emanating from one of the drawers in my room.

Oh, how I should have stayed up that night...





	Fire. Lots of fire. There were flames, embers, and heat all around me. I called out to my mother, who I knew was still trapped in the burning wreckage in the next room. I just couldn't summon the strength to move the massive piece of burning timber and metal out of my way to get to her. I screamed for help, and in turn listened to my mother's screams of pain and terror as she was silenced by a final, massive section of frame that seemed as though it crushed her instantly.

At that moment, I lost my mind, disregarding my pain, the heat, and anything in my way. I ripped everything out of my way, smashing anything that wouldn't give way. As I reached the metal piece that blocked my view of my mother, I felt something... I don't know what it was, but it surged inside of me, so much that I regarded the thick steel girder as little more than a toothpick whilst I completely threw it out of the way. I could no longer feel the flames as stinging heat, but more as a comforting presence, not dissimilar to an old friend.

With each step, I advanced towards my mother, whom I now saw was very much alive, but still screaming. I shifted the timber blocking her escape out of the way, grabbed her hand, and sprinted for the door nearby. What happened next defied explanation, even moreso than my earlier surge. All of the flames seemed to part before me, and the door itself, which had been closed somehow, crumbled to little more than ash and dust.

We both reached the exit, and when I let my mother walk of her own accord, she sprinted several feet away from me, still screaming incoherently, pointing at me and backing away with each sentence. As I looked at myself, I saw that I was not only still on fire, but my whole body seemed saturated with the force of destruction which had been attempting to take my life not seconds prior. Even as I watched, the flames in my own body dimmed and disappeared, allowing me to see the steam rising from my body in massive waves. Then, I began to make out words from the crowd: Demon, freak, monster, abomination. Those hardly bothered me. It was when I heard the deifying titles of "god," "savior," and "paragon" that I turned tail and ran.

I refused to stop for anyone or anything, no matter the cost to myself of those around me. I just needed to get away... Perhaps somewhere out West...





I woke, screaming at the top of my lungs.

The door to my room in the suite exploded as Rarity and Luna barged in, their hands glowing with apparent battle magic. I could only sit and try to catch my breath, feeling cold sweat drip from my forehead. My heart pounded in my chest like a thunderhead rumbling in the sky. As I surveyed my surroundings, I noticed that my blankets had scorch marks all over them, areas of soot dotted the walls.

"Is everything alright? We..." Rarity's inquiry died on her lips as she saw the damage to my room, her eyes going wide. "Max... What's going on?"

Luna relaxed and regarded me with an almost knowing look. "It would appear our young budding magus has some demons of his own that have not been resolved." She turned to leave, speaking over her shoulder. "Speak with me in the morning, Maximus. We shall see if you might learn to accept whatever fear possesses you."

I collapsed back onto the bed, sighing in relief at the cold against my burning skin. I noticed Rarity was still in the doorway, regarding me cautiously. "You know," I began. "There are more ways to write off what just happened than I care to count. But I don't think I will..." I sat up and swung my feet over, preparing to stand, when I felt a massive pain explode behind my eyes, leaving me hunched over.

"I must say, you are quite the piece of work, Mister Cross." Rarity sat down next to me, placing a hand on my shoulder, only to pull it away rapidly. "Sweet Celestia! You're burning up!" I gave her an unamused look. "Well, I've never encountered anything like this, so you must forgive me if I have a clumsy approach to the situation."

I sighed and stood, walking to the bathroom to fill the tub with the coldest water I could. "It's not exactly easy to explain, maestra. After all," I peered over my shoulder to ensure she was paying attention. "It's not like your magic. Earth operates on its own set of rules. And sometimes, people like me break a few of them." As soon as the tub was halfway full, I stepped in, sighing contentedly as the near-freezing water cooled me down, extinguishing the blazing inferno under my skin. The water itself began to steam upon contact with my skin, so I left the tap running cold until I could be completely submerged.

She frowned, crossing her arms. "I was under the distinct impression that this world had no magic of its own." She moved to sit on the chair outside of the bathroom, crossing her legs and taking on a pensive pose. "If I am to believe you, then that would mean that there is magic in your world."

I laughed sharply, startling her. "Lady, you have no idea..." I focused the fire that was still present to my hand and performed a sort of waving motion, twirling flames from my fingers. "This didn't start becoming a problem until last year. And I'm one of four people who has this problem." I stifled the flames, dunking the hand in the water. "Terran magic is so unbelievably rare that it's regarded as mere fantasy... Yet, since the surge of Equestrian magic, Terrans with latent genes have been gaining the ability to use our world's magic more freely." I dunked my head beneath the water, feeling the last of the fire inside of me dimming to a manageable level once more.

At that point, the Bearer of Generosity chose to move closer, pulling my hands from the water and taking them into her own. I regarded her curiously, watching as her own magic lit up. "If it's such a bother to use your own magic, then perhaps we might focus upon that as your next lesson." She closed her eyes and her hands glowed brighter before she released me. "And with that, I know just what we can do!" As I stared at her in confusion, she elaborated, "We shall teach you how to control your Terran magic as a Pegasus controls their magic. All we need is some fire..."

I grinned as I dunked my hand back into the water. "I think I know just the thing..."





"Remind me why you thought this was a good idea?" Jake asked, raising his eyebrow while Pinkie clung to his arm, bouncing up and down excitedly.

Allow me to lend some context. We were in Washington D.C. and I had just experienced an outburst of fire magic that could have burned our hotel to the ground... So what does one do in this case? Why, they find the tallest structure in the city with a platform at its roof and let loose! Though, the sirens at the base of the Hughes Memorial Tower might have been an indication that my experimentation at Rarity's direction went maybe, kinda, sorta overboard.

You see, when Rarity told me to practice "letting loose," as she called it, she failed to account for the sheer amount of emotional baggage I was carrying, as well as how much that could influence Terran magic. Needless to say, the first time, she asked me to conjure a "small flame," I ended up paying for her new perm. Since that moment, she told me to practice as high and far away from heavily populated areas as possible whilst still remaining in the D.C. area. This was rather difficult, since a lot of buildings were almost explicitly forbidden from being taller than the historic monuments that were the Big Five of D.C., like the Washington Monument. However, we found a radio tower outside the acknowledged metro area and chose to use it instead.

And herein lies our predicament. We were not explicitly instructed by official figures that we were to not leave the metro area of D.C., nor were we told that massive displays of magic needed to be confined to military installations at the time (a rule which I became quite fond of, to be perfectly honest, since the military has more durable toys to play with.) As such, within the first ten minutes of my practice, I found myself whistling "Slaughter the World" in the back of a D.C. Metro cop car, en route to the nearest military base that I was technically subject to reprimand from, Joint Base Anacostia–Bolling. I personally wanted to just go to the Army admins, since they wouldn't drown me in paperwork and bureaucracy, but I was consigned to dealing with the AFDW. Frankly, dealing with the part of the Air Force that primarily governs non-combat units wore on my nerves a bit. I would have much preferred to go to Andrews, but circumstances demanded otherwise.

Considering I hardly remember a thing from that 5 hour expedition into the hell that was paperwork and redirection, I'll simply say that the Air Force decided to not press charges under the UCMJ, since I had technically been not only outside of their jurisdiction for a number of years, but I was no longer subject to any U.S. military laws whatsoever. I did take the opportunity to have one of the command unit's secretaries send a message to my old unit in Phoenix, detailing exactly what I had gotten in trouble for. I figured they'd get a kick out of that as I walked off-post to the taxi waiting to take me back to the Capital.





"Max, you know that your mom is going to see this on the news, right?" Jay was watching me with a look of concern painted across his face. We were both sitting in the Oval Office with Aunt Lori gaping at the images of me quite literally playing with fire shown in HD on the screen. I didn't realize that my fire had actually been tinged with violet flecks until seeing this footage.

I leaned back in my seat, cracking my knuckles before draping my arms across the couch. "And? She'll never come forward as my mother. She ran away those years ago after the incident." I looked over at Aunt Lori, raising an eyebrow. "You heard about the fire in Scottsdale, right? The one that took out half of one of the malls?"

Lori's eyes widened as the screen showed images from the same fire I had just mentioned. I turned to face the screen and felt the blood drain out of my face. "Do you mean the one that killed over three hundred people? They're saying you caused it!" I could see the shock working its way through my aunt's system. "What happened in Scottsdale, Max?"

I looked down at the floor, grimacing as I recalled the day in question. "Honestly, I was just out there for a visit. Things in Louisville were taking off, but I needed a break from the company. You heard about it, I think, when we did that work with the USO." I smiled, recalling how excited my mom was to see me after a scarce two years, finally making a name for myself. "As far as I know, that fire shouldn't have happened, no matter how hot and dry the Phoenix area was. I'm still convinced someone set off a bomb in that store we were near. The mall was packed, so foot traffic was moving slowly and I wasn't having a good time. Mom and I heard yelling from nearby and obviously, trained as we are, you know we had to see what was going on. Allen was coming out of the bathroom we had stopped by before all hell broke loose."

"Wait, you, Jean, and Allen all saw this? Why didn't they report it?" Lori was leaning forward in her seat, engrossed in my retelling of the Scottsdale incident. "Surely, between you three, you saw at least one..." She stopped as I held up a hand. I could tell she was piecing together the flaws in what the news station was trying to push. I could see her irritation when they started shooting out theories that pointed to everything but the incident being an organized attack.

"I'm getting there, Auntie. Cool your jets." I took a deep breath as I glanced at another image of the burning wreckage that had ejected from the mall. "The explosion had started near the gas mains for the building, but I was more focused on getting Mom and Allen out of there. One of the guys who had run out before the explosion slammed straight into Allen, which was probably the biggest mistake he'd made. Before Allen could start asking any questions, though, the flames from the explosion in the store hit the gas main in our part of the mall. You know how those are supposed to be well sealed and can't leak unless someone fucks with something? Guess what..." I stopped as I saw footage from when I walked out of the mall with my mom in tow. It cut to a shot of Allen trying to help my mom, who was still screaming hysterically. I could see him mouthing "I'm sorry" from this angle, but I never heard him that day. I just ran. Ran as far and fast as my legs could carry me to my car.

"So you're saying that the accident in Scottsdale was... a terrorist attack?" I could see the skepticism barely working through before Aunt Lori visibly stamped it out. "And these people are saying it was really your fault? I won't let this stand!" I could see her reaching for her desk's phone before mine rang out with what was easily my most obnoxious custom ringtone ever, and it was set for only one person. I pulled out my phone, seeing that it was Allen calling. Jay busted out laughing as my phone continued screaming "Fucktard!" at a significant volume. "Who did you give such a rude ringtone?"

I answered the call, rolling my eyes at Lori's half-hearted display of being offended. "What's up? Long time no speak."

"Not much, dude." Allen's voice sounded a bit more ragged than when I'd heard from him last. "Remember that guy that ran into me after the accident at the Pavillions?" I raised my eyebrow as he continued. "He got away when that store blew up, but your mom spotted him in a crowd last week. She scared the shit out of him when she started asking questions." I shuddered in fear, remembering the few times I've seen Mom pissed off. Nicest lady in the world until you mess with her family.

I finally responded, having to swallow a few times so my voice would work again. "So how bad did he piss himself and what did she find out?"

"The explosion was supposed to take out the whole mall, but he wouldn't say who was in charge." I could understand how frustrated Mom and Allen must have been at that point. "So, once your mom finished with him, we tried taking him to the police, and they tried to arrest us!" I groaned at this, shaking my head. "Yeah, they were trying to arrest us for turning in someone who blew up a mall. Something about assault or some shit." I heard a familiar voice in the background, and the color drained out of my face again, since I had just put the call on speakerphone and couldn't get it to switch back.

I heard rustling as the phone changed hands and my mom's voice rang out in the middle of the Oval Office, "Bucky Boo, how are you? Are you trying to make your poor, sweet, mommy dearest worry to death?"

At that moment, in front of the President of the United States, two members of the Secret Service, my little cousin, and, at that very moment, about a dozen Equestrians that were coming in for a meeting, I screamed into my phone at the top of my lungs. "Gods fucking dammit, Mom! I'm in front of the President and a foreign defense council for fuck's sake!" I was breathing heavily, my face red from embarrassment,

Before I could continue my tirade, my mom called out "Hi, Aunt Lori! Can you beat my kid for making me worry?"

And that is why you saw President Loretta Reiser chasing me with a bat on the White House front lawn.
> Resolute
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------

	So, with my nightmares on the rise again, one would think that meant I had some unresolved issues to sort out... To be perfectly honest, I had a whole book's worth of issues and felt no need to sort them out at the time. All that was on my mind was tracking down the men responsible for my plight, arresting them, bringing them in front of a crowd, and letting my mom have at them in public.

You might say "Oh, your mother seems so kind and reasonable, she can't be that bad, right?" Trust me, my mom is one scary bitch when someone messes with the family. Needless to say, she had no idea what to expect after seeing me on the news, but I suppose it was correct to say she was on her way to D.C. and I had a LOT of explaining to do.





"He's not disrespecting you. You know that, right?"

Celestia looked up from the report she was reading. "What do you mean?"

"When Max gives someone a nickname," Jake said, "It means either he likes them or he respects them."

The Princess of the Sun looked off into one of the windows nearby."And why, pray tell, does he insist upon calling me 'Sun Buns?'"

"I thought it was obvious," Jake said. "He's checking out your ass."

This is why my little cousin learned to think before speaking.





I awoke to Jake walking by my room, gripping his face in a manner that almost concealed the bright red handprint on his cheek.

"Cuginetto, one might think you would remember to not comment on women's asses, especially since you have a military family to learn from." I calmly sat down and pulled out the icepack I had stowed in my new "Emergengy Rarity Supplies" box and handed it to Jake.

He regarded me with a pitiful, if knowing, look, before replying, "But Max... You get to stare at that divine backside and not get in trouble..."

"Jake, shut up before I sic Rares on you." I sighed and leaned back in the seat I was in before sensing something... something I didn't like. I glanced out the window to see tiny white orbs of evil falling from the sky.

Jake saw my intense look out the window and simply said "Oh, cool. It's snowing!"

I leapt from my seat, wrenched the window open and screamed out at the top of my lungs, "Winter and the useless marketing holidays are coming! Damnation is upon us all!"

Did I mention I hate Christmas?





"'Twas the day of ol' Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even...' Nope, my sorry ass was raiding the liquor cabinet because my nightmares had become unbearable again. The screaming becomes quite distracting after awhile." I finished my narration to take another swig from the flask nearby. The only thing I looked forward to about the winter months was the chance to make my own home recipe for applejack. While the traditional stuff was only made to around 35 or 40 percent alcohol by volume, my recipe was distilled to a hearty 60, keeping a pleasant warm feeling in my belly as I stared with ire upon the snow-covered landscape.

Oh, right. I hate snow. Can't stand it because it's cold, sticks to clothes, and feels like white-hot needles in ones face if the wind gusts up even a little bit. Couple that with my first snowy winters consisting of shoveling 5 feet of snow in the first month, and I grew to absolutely hate the stuff. I blew a slightly enchanted warming breath on the window to clear up the frost buildup so I could see clearly outside. Pinkie, Rainbow, Vinyl, Jake, and Applejack were engaged in a snowball war with some of the local teens. I heard a light knocking at my door and walked to the entrance to see who it might be. Shortly before I finished turning the handle, I felt the most terrifying chill ever run down my spine shortly before the door slammed open and my mother proceeded to beat me over the head with what appeared to be several newspapers rolled into on giant death-roll.

"Sonuvabitch... Dammit... Fuck... OW... MOM, QUIT IT!" I yelled without magic, grabbing the rolled up newspapers from her hand and throwing them in the corner. "We don't see each other or speak for several years and you try to give your kid cranial trauma?" I was quickly met with the back of my mom's hand cracking across my face, followed immediately by her fist, which stopped about an inch from my nose before my stepdad wrenched her away, restraining her while she proceeded to scream at me.

"Alexander Maximus Cross, you have a lot of explaining to do!" Uh-oh... Mom used my full name. I was gonna die.

I kept my arms up, prepared for another onslaught while I caught my breath before I looked at my mom.

No one ever really believes I look like my mother, since I was significantly taller than her and didn't have the same overly shiny blonde hair she did. However, they see the similarities when I point out her stockier frame and the sheer strength she could pack. My mother, Jean Cross Lewis, was a deceptively average-looking woman, standing at 5'8" with only the bare hint of muscle showing from her hobbies that included gardening and working on her motorcycle from time to time. She was who I had to thank for my blonde hair, but unlike my eyes, hers were an almost hardened pale green that were currently trying to sear into my soul or cause me to burst into flames on the spot, considering how absolutely angry she was.

Oh, did I mention I hadn't talked to her for years? Yeah, I used to call her every other week just to let her know how I was doing, but stopped after the mall incident.

"You put your poor, sweet, mommy dearest through all of this stress and the first time I hear anything about you in years and its from the fucking national news?!" She was still trying to break free of my stepdad, who was maintaining a deathgrip on his wife's midsection and one of her arms. "If you don't say something, I'll give the news another reason to talk about you! I brought the pictures with me this time!"

I could feel my face drain of color as I heard this. "You fucking didn't... You promised you'd never put those in public again!" I was panicking, and for good reason. I had a semblance of a public image to maintain, and my mom could destroy it in seconds. "Besides, what was I supposed to do? You saw me walk out of a burning building, while on fucking fire. If that's not incentive to not talk to family for awhile, I don't know what is."

I had about a half second to realize my mom had broken free and her fist was flying at my face, but not just her fist. It was cloaked in white arcs of electrical energy that I promptly felt enter my body like twenty tasers at once. I hit the wall on the opposite side of the room with enough force to partially cave in the wall and slid to the floor while just staring at my mom, whose fists were still cloaked in that electricity that shouldn't have been there at all.

"Are you going to listen to me now?" my mother growled menacingly, glaring at me with eyes that were now glowing.

I raised a hand up in front of me once I got feeling back in part of my body and responded, "Only if you tell me where you learned to do that."

"You didn't think you were the only 'freak' in the family, did you?"





After a much-needed and lengthy conversation with the great birth-giver, she decided to explain just how she had mastered lightning shooting out of her fingertips like a badass Sith Lord when I could only barely manage control over wild infernos that quickly spun off on their own path more often than not. It turned out that magical nonsense such as that was a common occurrence in the family and it was supposed to be my mom's job to teach me about it. That failed since I ran like the hounds of hell were on my heels as soon as I realized what happened. Combine that with what my mom claimed was supposed to be something about me picking a trade, and we had a few hours to burn when I had a chance to pick her brain further.

However, we were interrupted by Sunbutt herself barging in after hearing about the commotion. What my mom said next was likely the absolutely funniest thing I've ever heard in my life.

"Geez, I didn't realize you liked girls on the heavy side, Kiddo."

The room's silence was only broken by me restraining my laughter with quiet snorts escaping shortly before Celestia chose to respond.

The Sun Princess looked at my mom with slight annoyance and responded, "So, I assume you're Mister Cross' mother, if your droll behavior is any indication?"

My mom didn't miss a beat when she quipped, "She's got a bigger stick up her ass than your sire, too? Is there something I missed when you said you wanted nothing to do with him?"

"Correction, Mom," I responded, "I said I didn't want anything to do with him until he stops being such an asshat. This has not happened, so we're still on barely civil terms. Plus, Sun Buns here doesn't have a bigger stick up her ass than the old man, she's a prankster that can put you to shame." I quickly put a hand over my mouth as I realized exactly what I'd just said.

My mom raised an eyebrow before an evil smirk grew across her face. I felt a chill go down my back as my stepdad, Allen, leaned over towards me and whispered, "I think your mom found a friend." We both shuddered as Mom began talking excitedly to Celestia, no doubt exchanging ideas for new and elaborate pranks. "Yep, she made a friend. You're screwed now, Alex."

I scowled at Allen. "I thought I told you and Mom that I didn't go by that name anymore." I crossed my arms before I glanced outside and continued. "So how are you liking this wintry hell? Kind of different from California and Arizona, eh?" I took the time to note how bundled up my Mom and Allen were for the weather outside. It couldn't have been too much colder than Kentucky in the winter, so I went to the bathroom to brush my hair and shave while the conversation carried on in the main entryway. When I was finished, I pulled on my boots before putting on a fresh shirt and donning my new jacket.

As I walked out of the room, I could see Rarity had come to my room as well, and was giving me a pleading look as my Mom was putting her through the Cross Gauntlet, which was the title that was passed down for whenever Cross women borderline interrogate any women they think might be interested in their sons or daughters. I tied my hair back as my mom was beginning the phase that dealt with her potential fun in bed. I smirked and leaned against the doorway as I listened in.

"So, how do you feel about positions?" My mom decided to break out full throttle at this point.

I cleared my throat loudly before giving my mom a dirty look. "I don't think now is the time to be grilling my teacher about her habits that should remain behind closed doors, Mom. Or should I remind you of the time I walked in on you and Dad going at it..." I was silenced by Mom's hand over my mouth as she looked over her shoulder to continue speaking.

"He has no idea what he's talking about. He's never even seen a girl naked before, I swear." At this, Rarity, Celestia, and myself all blushed a furious shade of red. "Wait... You... They... Way to go, bucky-boo!"

"Mooooom! Stop calling me that!" At that moment, I went from semi-responsible young adult with some semblance of maturity to a grousing and borderline childish teenager again. "I'm going to be twenty-two in a couple of months. You could at least drop the stupid nickname..."

I really shouldn't have opened my mouth at that point, because there's one thing that must be said about my mother's vindictive nature.

Ye who challenge Jean Cross, be prepared to lose gracefully.





It wasn't until we were in the tourist trap part of Washington that my mom relented with her grilling of Rarity, who had, at this point, turned a shade of red that matched the coat she'd chosen to don for the chilly weather outside. I was keeping myself warm with the occasional flare of fire magic inside my body, so my light jacket served me just fine as we wandered towards one of the bistros that offered vegetarian fare. We all walked inside, only Celestia and myself weren't shivering like crazy. Somewhere along the way, we'd been waylaid by a few of the other Element bearers, each wanting to know about my mom and stepdad, but when Vinyl and Octavia crossed our path, I couldn't find a hiding spot quickly enough before I was tackled to the ground by Vinyl, who proceeded to kiss me in front of everyone like she hadn't seen me in forever.

As I had managed to push her off and brush the snow off, I saw Mom's eyes get the most terrifyingly evil gleam I've seen in my whole life. This was the only warning I had before she started asking Vinyl every intimate question she could about our relationship, to which Vinyl responded with gusto and almost pride. She even went as far as describing her "claiming" of me in Las Vegas, which I'm now convinced I will never live down, even after my mother passes on. (Assuming she does, that is. Seriously, she's pushing 170 these days. Magic must act like a vital booster and extend lifespans or something...)

"So I had him pinned up against the wall, giving him hickeys that didn't fade for, like, two days, and..." Vinyl was still carrying on until I shushed her when we walked into the restaurant. "Aww, come on. I was getting to the good part!"

"We're not going to discuss your forcible taking of my virginity in public, Vi," I deadpanned before realizing exactly what I had said aloud.

Mom gasped so loudly that everyone in a ten-foot radius looked in our direction to figure out what the fuss was before she exploded with excitement. "You finally did the deed! I'm going to be a grandma! Took you long enough, Bucky-boo!"

The stream of curses in three languages I uttered would take too long to actually retell, so I'll just let anyone who cares know that I managed to go through English, Russian, and Italian before I was finally stopped as I came up on some of the older tongues. I was still grumbling angrily as we say down, but finally calmed down when Vinyl apologized for revealing what she didn't know was supposed to be a secret. I don't care what anyone says, I can't stay mad at her, no matter how much I may act like an emotionless ass in public.

As we ate our meal, Allen started asking me about what I'd been doing for work since I'd fallen off the grid. I quickly launched into a retelling of some of my more exciting jobs working as a sound tech for MTA, doing my best to avoid any unnecessary jargon. Eventually the story of how I'd met Vinyl came up and I had to shove an entire handful of bread into my mother's mouth to shut her up so I could finish it. Despite all this, I was content with enjoying a meal without any sort of drama or violence. It served as a nice change from the previous chaos I'd been subjected to over the last several weeks.

My relief, however, was broken when my mom pulled out a box I took a moment to recognize before all the color drained from my face in front of everyone as Mom said to Vinyl "You might want to use one of these and tell me when I can expect to be a grandma. Alex never was good at telling us about any good news."

Leave it to Mom to keep a pregnancy testing apparatus in her purse just in case she found me with a girlfriend.