Unsettled Heart
The town of Ponyville was slowly caressed by the last slim of sunlight. The pole lights began to flicker on all around the streets and everypony was getting ready to fall in a deep slumber. However, faint music was heard coming from the library where Twilight Sparkle was currently living in. Approaching the windows, on the bark of the tree, one could see ponies shuffling around. A voice was heard.
"And that's that!" said a certain pink maned pony with a high pitched voice. She scooped the last flake of confetti off the Library floor making sure the floor was free of any party favors. Pinkie Pie had just finished an excellent party thrown for Spike and as everypony knew she called dibs on being the host. Five more ponies were inside the tree and they were just about finished cleaning. Applejack and Rarity were picking up the remaining gems that were left over from the feast Spike had indulged himself in. Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash were removing the banner from across the room which read, "Happy Birthday Spike". And Twilight Sparkle was upstairs placing the sleeping dragon back to his bed. Everypony had a wonderful time, of course there was one complaint...
"Tsk, such a waste of a gorgeous gem." The look of pain on Rarity's face, as she threw away the bitten gem, was enough to make Applejack chuckle. "I could have arranged that wonderful Sapphire stone on a lace, or perhaps include it in a summer dress..." She observed the pebbles before placing them on the thrash bin. "...but I know how much my Spikey-wikey loves his gem, so sacrifices had to be made." Applejack didn't say a word and left Rarity speaking with herself. The orange maned pony pushed the thrash bin outside and Pinkie Pie was seen tossing the broom to the side, having accomplished her "Confetti Pickup Game". She bounced over to Fluttershy who just finished packing away the banner with Rainbow Dash.
"What a great party! Wasn't it amazing? I thought it was the most super duper party ever! We should have invited the whole town," she kept jumping up and down. Fluttershy couldn't help but smile and nod at her friends's enthusiasm. Though she consciously fought it, Fluttershy's eyes couldn't hide her exhaustion. She had waken up early so she could be the first to wrap her chocolate gift in Bon Bon's shop.
In reality, all of the mares were exhausted. They had been celebrating Spike's birthday for 5 hours straight. It was his wish to spend time with his friends, and had told Pinkie about it. Pinkie, being the carefree pony that she is, thought that Spike meant "spend the whole day partying". Spike had to clear her confusion and told her that a few hours was just fine. Again, Pinkie's sense of time is highly different from the rest of the creatures in Equestria. Yet, Spike had fun and ate so many gems, he fell asleep. So by Pinkie's term, that was a well thrown party.
Rainbow Dash, flew down and dropped to the floor right next to Rarity who had just sat down on a wooden seat.
"The energy on her, how does she do it?" Rainbow Dash asked Rarity, impressed by the amount of energy Pinkie had. Both mares observed at the bouncing blur of pink, on the other side of the room. Rarity simply shrugged and slyly grinned at the question. Rainbow Dash immediately recognized what that look meant.
Pinkie is Pinkie.
A door was heard shut and soon after Twilight Sparkle approached the stairs and looked at all her friends.
They all seem exhausted...and I don't blame them...perhaps I should try that energy boost spell I've been studying...hmm anyways I'll thank them for their trouble...
She trotted down, and smiled, lost in her own thoughts. Each and one of them stopped their doing, as the purple mane placed herself on the middle of the room. Twilight then proceeded to talk. "Thank you girls. I couldn't have done this without your help. If it weren't for all of you, the party would have been monotonous to say the least" she placed her hoof behind her head.
"Aw, don't mention it, Sugarcube" Applejack exclaimed as she entered the Library once more. All of the ponies nodded and agreed with Applejack's statement. Pinkie was especially assertive about it, as she veraciously nodded her head and whistled. A grateful smile crawled to Twilight's face.
Suddenly, Rarity stood up and took the word.
"As much as I would love to stay and chatter about the events of today, the weight on my hooves is killing me and I must wake up early tomorrow" she took the lead and walked outside. All of the ponies followed right behind her and said their good nights, as well. Pinkie wasn't too excited about the thought of leaving, but she didn't want to force anyone on staying. She trotted to the door and her heart skipped a beat for a second, as Twilight Sparkle intercepted her.
"Umm Pinkie can I talk to you real quick?" she said softly. Twilight's voice filled Pinkie's eardums and she felt a quick shiver.
Pinkie, trying her best to hide her physiological response, simply answered "Sure!". But, because the sudden event caught her off guard, the response was delivered along the lines of "hurr". Twilight paid no attention to this small detail and spoke again.
"I just wanted to thank you personally, cause I know you pulled most of this weight. Spike had a great time and it was all because of your party expertise! I mean, you took the whole day off just to help me set everything up." Twilight's face lit up as she spoke. Pinkie's eyes widened a little, admiring her friend's expression. "You truly are a wonderful friend!" Twilight said, while smiling. Pinkie felt her cheeks burn up.
She then realized Twilight had said THE word again...friend...
Pinkie was never one to feel sad about being called a friend. Quite the contrary, that filled her with joy. But each time Twilight said that word, her heart would feel funny...like that wasn't the word she wanted to be called. Pinkie threw that thought at the back of her mind and just smiled widely. "Silly filly! It was no problem! Maybe we can do another party soon, if you like?" That last part escaped her lips. She loved to party but she didn't want to impose on Twilight. This thought was not common in Pinkie for she loved parties and friends more than anything. Yet there was something about upsetting Twilight or the mere fact of bothering her, that Pinkie couldn't brush out... She could never think right whenever they were alone, almost as if...
"That would be great, but I don't think it could be anytime soon." Twilight yawned, trying her best to avoid Pinkie's "Soul Stare" as she had called it in her mind. Without realizing it, Pinkie had stared at Twilight for well over a minute.
That nudged Pinkie right out of her trance. "That's okay...maybe next week! Uh, well..." Pinkie shifted her hooves. "Uh... see you Twilight!" Pinkie hurried home before anything else could happen. Twilight waved goodbye, turned around and closed the door behind her, with magic.
Why? Pinkie slowed her pace as she trotted over to the Sugarcube Corner.
Why can't I stop thinking about it? She kept thinking this same question over and over until she slammed herself with the front door of the shop. She shook it off and scolded the door. "Bad door. I wasn't in the middle of thinking." She slowly opened the door and closed. She made her way to her room. She could hear Mr. Cake snore from his room, so she did her best not to make any unnecessary noises. Once inside her room, she threw herself on the bed and stuffed her face on the pillow. Her brain took control.
Pinkie had been fighting with these feeling for some time now, but not until recently had her emotions grown stronger.
Pinkie liked Twilight.
That was the truth, she couldn't deny. It all started when Twilight wanted to prove that her Pinkie Senses were fake. Pinkie had never been stalked by someone before, and that got her thinking as to why would anyone really care about her powers or at her, by that matter! Pinkie liked the attention, and as time continued, it kept pushing them to do more stuff together. It was during these events that Pinkie Pie realized her emotions were shifting. They were beginning to be so strong, she often had fights with herself, because her eyes kept staring at Twilight's rump. Pinkie blushed at the thought and tried pushing the imagery away
I just don't want to ruin our friendship She absently thought.
Yea, you can't do that, it'll ruin the show Suddenly her internal voice spoke. It was her mind. For some strange reason Pinkie's mind seemed to have...well...a mind of its own. She doesn't remember when it quite happened but she kept having conversation with what she thought was her brain.
But I can't possibly do this forever. Pinkie whispered in her mind.
Well tell her! The voice suggested.
Pinkie shifted in her sheets. But I can't! What if she...hates me after I tell her...
There is no pleasing your heart... the voice seemed to trail off. A few seconds later it appeared once more. You and I both know you wouldn't mind kissing some of that sparkle. An small laugh filled her thoughts.
Pinkie couldn't help but feel the pressure gather in her cheeks. She was constantly being teased by her mind. Not helping she responded. Whenever Pinkie was alone, she felt her personality change a little. Her brain had once mentioned it was just her cute side showing. Her brain spoke once more.
And you don't listen to me! Why don't you go ahead and ask HEART for advice. Imma go eat a mental muffin...
Pinkie's internal voice vanished for the time being. She removed her pillow and stared at the ceiling. "I have to go and talk to one of the girls maybe they will know how to help...but...what if they tell Twilight...I know! I'll make them Pinkie promise it...but what if Twilight overhears it...or somepony else...Oh dear Celestia, help me..." She placed her pillow on top of her face as hard as possible. Everypony in Ponyville knew of Pinkie's tendencies. All of her friends knew. Pinkie was into mares, but Pinkie promised she would never fall in love with any of her close friends. They were her sisters.
I awwways kwew you wwwere intow thawt incest stuff! Her vivid thought interrupted, apparently with a muffin in its mouth.
Go away Brain! Wait...is that a muffin your eating? What flavor is it?. No response.
She sighed and turned to stare at the ceiling for the second time that night. She pondered who could have experience on the subject. Perhaps Lyra could advice her. She and Bon Bon always seemed like a good couple, but she dind't feel comfortable talking with Lyra about these kind of things. A few minutes flew by and she still hadn't made up her mind. Pinkie was never good at staying focused on a subject, even by her own terms. Suddenly her eyes lit up and she threw her hooves forward. "Rarity!" she whispered as loud as she could, trying not to wake up the Cakes who were already sleeping. Rarity always seemed to know about relationships.
That's so mainstream, making Rarity the mare with the experience, shame on you. I'm sure you read that onli- *ding* oh! The cookies are done Pinkie could have sworn he heard steps and they were growing faint, as if her Brain actually walked somewhere.
Silence. Both outside and inside her mind. She stared upwards and tried communicating with her brain.
You there? ...Hello? No response. Placing her attention back to the subject, Pinkie decided that she would go to Rarity's, first thing in the morning. She had to clear both her mind and her heart. Pinkie's eyes grew wearily as she dropped the subject and succumbed to her bed's warm embrace. Slowly, her eyes started to close. Pinkie's body was tired. No longer fighting the urge to sleep the mare, covered herself with her party themed blanket and nuzzled her pillow. A grin crawled to her mouth as her last thoughts was of Twilight's sweet and warm smile.
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Two thumbs down? I say nay!
Interesting start so far, looking forward to seeing the next chapter.
Nice, I love me some good Twipie.
This is not perfect but it doesn't deserve to have that many thumbs down.
A suggestion: You should use italics for thoughts. If for some reason you find hard to format your text, then you should really use ' instead of - . The hyphen has already too many uses to add indicate thoughts.
Be careful not to go into meta territory that much, it really takes you out of the story. Silly breaking of the fourth wall mentioning the show was nice, but mentioning Fimfiction went a bit too far. Otherwise I like your Pinkie talking to his brain and it preferring to go eat something, it was funny.
TWINKIE PIE
Read Later!
Wow! Thank you all for the support!!!
I will be honest, I didn't think I would get this much attention. Actually, I just thought my story was going to wither away and die, being my first story and all. But i'm glad you all enjoyed it.
And taking in consideration Twilight_Crow's ideas, the next chapter should have a bit more of a fix. But nonetheless i'm really excited and I hope you all enjoy the rest of the story!
this is building up to be a great story. i really hope you finish it because you did a great job with this chapter!
P.S. twipie is my 2 fav shipping
I laughed maybe too hard at too much, no walls are safe, specially for you Mr. Author but anyways so far so good hoping for some pinkie in private along the way. I'll watch over this diligently summer is a coming and i expect good things
Hmm, this story definitely has potential, the only thing that bothered me were a few grammatical errors, but that's just me being a nitpicker. Here's hoping to see so much more from you. Perhaps you could get a pre-reader to try and help you with that? I'd offer, but school life is a very busy one, y'know? Pre-readers are very helpful, don't ever be afraid to ask anyone to help, most anyone here would love to.
~The Dusty Mop
Hmm... cute, has potential, but needs a bit of work, too. I spotted a bunch of mistakes and issues, but luckily nothing huge. (Heh, I wish there was a way to highlight things as I read, rather than going back through to quote things xD) You should see about getting a pre-reader/editor, although I suspect just continuing to work at it will help take care of those problems. And read! Reading a lot of more well-written stories by others really helps you subconsciously adapt proper writing behaviors for your own work as you read them.
All that said, keep at it! :3
Okay, I'm interested.
Comma is not required here.
The comma after 'gem' should be a period, and 'the' should be capitalised. They are two seperate sentances after all. However, I am impressed that you put the comma in—most people don't realise it's needed. It's just wrongly applied here.
Same as above. Seperate two seperate sentances with a period. If you had a 'he said/she said', then you put in a period.
Use 'five'. It looks nicer.
This sentance doesn't make sense. 'The amount of energy she has' might fit better, or something like that.
Redundant and unnessacary. Since Twilight was the main focus of the preceding sentance, we assume she is the one speaking. Remove it.
Full stop after 'least'.
Comma after 'Sugarcube'.
'library' should be lowercase.
Full stop. Going to stop pointing these out now, you can find the rest.
Comma after 'responded', lowercase 'trying'. It's one sentance.
'sliped out'.
Denote thoughts with either itallics or 'apostrophies'. Nothing else.
Pacing was fine, that wasn't a slow start up at all.
Narration was very tell, rather than show. It's bland and descriptive. 'Character A did this. Character B did that. Character C did something else'. See here for more on Show vs Tell (as well as other useful advice).
Otherwise, a good start for a first fic. Very brave of you to do it from Pinkie's perspective, as she is a challenging character to do well.
Thank you all for the comments and the aid!
The constructive criticism will definitely help me and I hope the next chapter will be easier for your eyes! As for an update, I'm already working on chapter 2 and hope to finish it either Friday or Saturday (busy with College). Once again, I am really thankful for all the support and hope I can deliver !
I see a typooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.
The best way to sum up the events of this story is to quote Applejack's thought,
"Pinkie is Pinkie"
also, reminds me of deadpool.
THATS WHAT I SAID!
*Edited the first Chapter for a crispier look on the story."
Do enjoy.