Wake Up
Being frozen for two hundred years takes a toll on your body.
Backblast, myself, Longeye and Ghost stepped gingerly out of our pods. Longeye went to step forward but instead kicked the body of a long dead soldier. Upon further inspection it turned out to be the body of Stardancer our medic she was a good mare. Always kind and smiling.
After a moment of silence for our fallen comrade and a few tears. We then walked to the lockers on the other side of the room there were five lockers one for each of us. All of them were locked but Stardancer's which was standing wide open with a note and her belongings. The note read. Gunner, please find Wellington and the APC i have programmed him to help you find Spector. Assuming he's still alive after I write this love Stardancer P.S use the supplies in my locker to help you. I looked down to find a box with enough medical supplies to keep us for a while. I split up the supplies so that each of us got three Rad-Aways and four Rad-XS and two healing potions and one super healing potion. I then closed her locker and went to mine and opened it.
As I looked through my locker my eyes landed on my combat armor it was a mute grey metal attached to an olive drab suit with multiple pockets for storage. The pip buck that was attached to the left foreleg was a 3300 model a top of the line model for special ops soldiers. Then i looked towards my IF-240 Light Machine Gun with a two hundred fifty round drum magazine and a red dot sight. It fires a .308 round so I can share my ammo with any of my teammates who use a .308 rifle or machine gun. I looked over and seen Longeye had grabbed her sniper rifle in her magic her rifle is an IF-700 built specifically for unicorns. She also has a sneaking suit that lets her blend into any environment. Ghost who is next to me and already dressed and equipped in her gear grabbed her SMG in her mouth and loaded it. Her SMG is an IF-45 for close encounters.
Backblast has a suit of power armor that has a built in minigun and a 90 mm missile launcher it is painted black with a red stripe up the front of his helmet and down his back. I put my helmet on and my E.F.S came up and registered my team as blue and four hostiles. I must have looked surprised because Longeye looked at me a said in a hushed voice.
"What is it Gunner."
" There are hostiles on my E.F.S.," I told her.
She then stalked away in the direction of the hostile marks a few minutes later she found the hostile marks it was just a few radroaches. After dealing with them Longeye came back and I brought up the lay out of the Complex. The map showed us at the bottom of the facility. Medical was a floor above us and above that was the armory, then there were the offices and living quarters above that. the motor pool was above ground.
"Well this is what we are gonna do." I said.
"We are going to go to medical, then to the armory after that we clear the upper levels and find Wellington , Get the APC and find Spector." they saluted and finished packing their things. on the way out of the cryo chamber I heard giggling and laughter behind a doorway into the hallway. I stopped and Backblast motioned for the door i just nodded.he stepped up to the door and it slid open to reveal two ponies covered in blood with yellow eyes. When the door opened it caught their attention they just looked at us and started to giggle and laugh insanely, They started towards us. Since Backblast was in front he spun up his minigun and poured a torrent of lead at one of the giggling ponies killing him instantly. What I didn't realize he had a small caliber pistol and was firing at me before he was killed.
The other pony rushed Backblast with a kitchen knife but she tripped and fell over her ally. While she was falling her knife hit the shoulder plate of Backblast's armor and broke. Backblast quickly dispatched her with a quick hoof stomp to her head.
With them taken care of the walk to medical was uneventful. As we entered the room it looked pristine as if we walked in two hundred years ago. All of the cabinets were locked with card readers. Ghost opened all the cabinets with the card she got from Stardancer's locker. Inside were medical kits that should put us ahead of any medical problems or injuries. I decided to hand one to everyone in our group and hold onto the rest for trade if possible as I looked around the room my eyes landed on a cabinet marked. 'Squad Leaders'. I walked up and swiped my ID card and it popped open and I pulled out a little box marked with my name and opened it. It was full of memory orbs, my memories I had removed. I decided to destroy them, I did not want my squad to see my past failures and all of my mistakes and the betrayal of Spector. I went into the next room opened the box placed a hand grenade in it and pulled the stem and walked out of the room.
When the grenade went off the orbs were destroyed. I just erased my past forever.
Constructive Criticism mode activate!!
First off, you've got a problem with formatting. Use quotation marks " " to show that someone is talking. You didn't do that in the beginning. For thoughts, separate them either by these ' ' or italicize them. Also remember to use commas when necessary, but I'd rather not get into that. So for example:
would become
Notice here that I first placed commas before and after 'the team's scout'. When giving a description of someone right after establishing their name, you place that description within commas.
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Next thing I noticed was pacing. The pacing is waaaaaaay too fast. I don't want to tell you how to write your story, but character interaction is key. Spend more time interacting with the environment, throw a bit of comedy in the narrative, and BAM, decent story for a beginner.
Describe the guns a bit as well, alright? Names are good, but not everyone will know what they look like right off the bat.
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Without actually sitting down and editing this, that's as far as I can really go right now. My ultimate advice is to read other stories, and not just fiction here. Read novels, fanfics from other fandoms,
clopwriting guides, and whatever else you can get your hands on! And above all keep at it.2331828 thanks for your feed back your help is greatly appreciated.
- I see a few general errors here. For example, the what's with the apostrophe after each name? And the misplaced quotation marks. The quotation marks come directly before and after the speech, not one space before or after. A little rectifying here would really help people stay on the story.
- There's repetition of ideas here. I'd suggest: After some shed tears and a moment of silence for our fallen comrade, we then walked to the lockers on the other side of the room, where there was a locker for each of us.
- I must have looked surprised because Ghost looked at me and said in a hushed voice, "What is it gunner?"
- "There are four hostiles on my E.F.S.," I told her. Notice how there's always a comma after the speech right before the verb.
What I see here is a story that needs a little more work in the fields of expounding and lengthening scenes that should've been given more attention. Like when Ghost killed those hostiles for example. Another thing I feel like this story could use is a little more... drama. You know, add some of the character's feelings into the mix, into the narration. It is in first person, after all. A good round of editing and removing those little errors and rephrasing the sentences to be more appealing would do this story loads of good.
Still... I do like the general idea. What are they, cryosleep ODST's or something?
2338061 something like that was supposed to be an experimental way for medical personnel to keep severe condition patients alive