Cadence is staying over at the castle for a few days. I guess it's for a small holiday. Shining Armour is looking after the Crystal Empire for the moment. I wonder why you don't see stallion Alicorns. It's really weird. Well, I haven't seen any and Mum hasn't told me she has seen any. Maybe my Dad was an Alicorn! Like a super special stallion! But then broke Mum's heart and banished all stallion Alicorns... It doesn't seem very likely. I'd like to believe my Dad was an Alicorn. What if Mum banished HIM to the moon?! I shall fly there with Auntie Luna's Royal Guards!
11:15pm
I was wrong, there is no stallion on the moon. Mum didn't know where I was for the... 4 hours I was gone. She freaked and started making Royal Guards go round looking for me.When I got back, she was all like "Stardust! Where have you been?!" And all that. She said I should ask her before I go and disappear randomly. 'But Mum! I thought you banished my Dad on the moon! So I went there and looked for him!' I yelled.
'Stardust, I told you not to go looking for him!' Mum said, looking frustrated.
'Well, I need to know who he is!'
'But it's dangerous!'
'No it isn't!'
I stormed off to my room then. Cadence came through and asked my why I want to see my Dad so much. So I told her that I NEEDED to see him because he is my Dad! But Candace said what's wrong with Celestia?
'Candace, she has kept this secret from me for a long, long, long, long, LONG time!'
'So? Maybe she doesn't like your Dad anymore so doesn't want you to know,' she said in a wise like fashion.
Her words buzzed around my head like angry bees.
'N-no... That's no true...' I said panicky. I didn't like where this was going.
'Oh, Stardust, she just doesn't want you to know. Has she told everypony else and you feel left out?'
'You mean you DO know?!'
'No, no!'
I flew to my balcony and flew off. She told Luna and Candace! I didn't want to hear any more. I flew to Ponyville (which is where I am now).
I'm at Twilights house. She looked shocked to see me, but she is letting me stay. I looked in her mirror. I looked at me. My tiara made a nice touch to my head. It had a star and then to crystals that wound around it. I looked at my hooves. I frowned. I wasn't wearing my matching shoes. I put on the wrong ones. Rarity would freak at me. I wasn't and am not going back. I tried to look at my personality. Nice. Sweet. Maybe a bit pushy sometimes. Angry. I'm not angry all the time. It's usually the ponies who make me angry makes my personality into an angry one. Wait, what? Nevermind. I thought of Cadence's words. I thrust my hoof at the mirror.
'Ahh! What did you do that for?!' cried Twilight.
'Oh.. Sorry, I remembered something. I didn't like it...' I said lamely.
'That's no reason to punch my mirror!'
'I know, I know! Sorry, sorry!'
'Why are you angry anyway?'
'...'
I flew out of her window too. I am officially running away. From my family, my friends and all that. I slammed in to Rainbow Dash. Oh no I thought.
'Yaah! What are you doing?! What's your problem?!' she screamed.
She saw it was me.
'Stardust? Hey, where are you going?' she yelled.
I could hear her catching up to me. I flew faster. The blue Pegasus is too fast for me, but I flew faster anyway. She caught up to me. She flew past me. I was blinded by a Rainbow.
I turned and flew into a cave. She went past the cave, looking back for me. She called my name. I don't like my name. It's a stupid name. Rainbow Dash gave up and blasted off. She was probably going to blab to everypony I was gone. I flew out of the cave and into the cave where the huge red dragon was. He left with all his treasure. Oh well, no jewellery for me then. THIS is where I am hiding. THIS is where I'll live. In this here smelly, damp cave. Yes, I'll just live here! Be independent. Sounds fun. Sounds fun, right? Ugh, I wish I had Pinkie Pie here. To cheer me up. But I need to stay out of sight. I remember Fluttershy taking out the dragon. I never saw that side of her. I can hear Rainbow Dash again... She's quite far away. I'm going to have to fly.
2:41am
I heard some ponies talking when I flew around. I'm hiding in yet ANOTHER cave, but it's much further away from Ponyville. But I can still see it. Anyway, I heard them saying about me being missing. Apparently Mum is making guards and ponies look around for me. Great. They were some night owl ponies. Up at 2am talking. Auntie Luna must be happy. They shouldn't miss me. I'm not a important Princess. I looked at my Cutie Mark. It's a shooting star, it's white outlined with blue and blue and white stripes following it. I thought about making a new identity, but I'm an Alicorn. And everypony knows me. So, I just need to hide. I always liked the name Astrid. That would be my new identity. But I have to be silly old Stardust. Who am I kidding? I can't live like this. I need someone to look after me. But I can't trust anypony. I can't go anywhere. I can't leave this cave.
"OK, I am ready for criticisms! This is my first story so please let me down easy. "
My only problem is that you told me this at the begining of your desctiption,
I'm ok with you telling me that it's your first story, just let me know what your first story is about first!
Huh? What? Wait, huh? And now she's... Um... Eh?
Okay, here's another bit of advice for you. Slow down! You're jumping around more than a mexican jumping bean on a grasshopper on a jackrabbit on a pogo stick! These events should not be going by this quickly! Also, I don't think Celestia would raise her voice like that, nor can I picture her keeping secrets from her own daughter! If you don't fix this, then this premise is officially going to fall apart.
And furthermore, why is Stardust being so impulsive? All of her actions in this chapter are fueled by her emotions. Normally, this wouldn't be a problem. Except that, well, she's the Element of bucking Wisdom! You made her the Element of Wisdom! If you're going to give your OC an Element, have her live up to it! You can't give her an Element simply for the sake of giving her an Element!
Actually, now that I think about it, I don't know anything about her! That exposition dump in the first chapter told me nothing! All I know is that she's Celestia's daughter, and that she wants to find her father. That is really not enough to go on, especially since she's the narrator! To be fair, you provide some dialogue quirks to give her some depth, but it's not enough. If you want me to care about this character, then let me get to know her first.
And because I can't resist parodying this exchange:
Stardust: Screw you! I'm gonna find my daddy whether you like it or not! *flies off in a huff*
Candace (or Cadence misspelled, it's not entirely clear): No. Stop. Come back.
In summery, you need to go back to the drawing board. I'm sorry to be the one to say it, but you do.
Well, this looks like as good a time as any to leave a review.
Hi there! I'm Scribblestick the Chill, here to leave constructive feedback. I'll divide this review into three sections: First Impressions (description, tags, cover image), The Story (self-explanatory), and Final Thoughts (overall impressions, any nagging thoughts I haven't mentioned yet). So, let's get started, shall we?
-First Impressions-
Your description is short and straightforward, so that's good. However, it's risky making an OC the daughter of Celestia because it has an aura of Mary Sue about it. It's been done poorly in the past, and unfortunately, people may attach this stigma to your story before even reading it. I really can't think of a way to get around it (aside from writing a different story), so that's a roadblock you'll just have to live with, I guess.
Also, I recommend finding a cover image. It'll draw people attention more readily than text and can be used as an effective hook. Some people commission covers specifically for their stories, but you can also find a ton of artwork online, and many artists are more than happy to let you use their work provided you give them credit.
-The Story-
Chapter 1
There's a term I hear used a lot. It's "special snowflake." What that means is your character
is vastly different from any other in his or her universe. Being an alicorn is already incredibly rare (there are only four in the show, and one of them has been an alicorn for like six minutes of screen time). On top of that, Stardust is a "rare type of alicorn," compounding how unusual she is. Splodge is also apparently a super-rare kind of alicorn, the kind that was born an alicorn. On top of that, they both bear completely new Elements of Harmony.
This is problematic for a few reasons. First, alicorn OCs and new Elements have both been done thousands of times before, often very poorly. Once again, you're fighting against deep-rooted stigmas here. Second, the "special snowflake" condition makes it very easy for your character to become Mary Sues, so perfect they make the rest of us sick. I'm not getting much of that yet, but there's a big risk here, one that many new authors have fallen into in the past.
As a side note, giving an OC your screen name reeks of self-insertion, which basically means an author is living out his or her fantasies through the character. Self-insertion stories are rarely appealing to anyone outside the writer's close circle of friends. If Splodge isn't going to play a significant role, it might be better to leave her out of this one.
Now, all that being said, let's look at how you develop Stardust. This chapter is basically a stream of her thoughts as she explains her past and how she doesn't know who her father is. While it's not a terrible start, it gets a little dull after a while and sometimes reads like a whiny teenager. Which is great, if that's what you're going for. I do get a good sense of what she wants, but so far, I don't really have a good idea of who she is and how she acts. The sooner you can get to that, the better, because it helps your readers connect to your character and care about her (and, by extension, what happens to her).
Oh, one detail before we move on:
Stallion. Or pony. Whichever floats your boat.
Chapter 2
I like Stardust's voice. It give me a good idea of her character. However, her decisions seem rushed and don't make a lot of sense. She comes off as a teenager throwing a fit, which doesn't make her look like much of a hero and will get annoying quickly.
Cadance is out of character. She just brushes off Stardust's concerns, which goes against the caring, considerate nature we see from her in the show.
Also, it seems odd that Stardust just knows about other characters like Rarity and Dash. I know she's an Element of Harmony, but there's no back story or explanation for how she knows these characters. It gives off the "instant best friend" vibe, which is another Mary Sue red flag.
-Final Thoughts-
Overall, this isn't as bad as it could have been. The conflict seems more driven by Stardust's inner problems, which helps you avoid a lot of the overpowered alicorn OC problems. It's pretty good from a technical standpoint. The biggest roadblock I see for you are the biases and stigmas I mentioned earlier, and I'm not completely sold on Stardust as a protagonist yet.
Also, I'm confused as to why you have the "comedy" tag attached. I didn't see anything comedic. Or random either, for that matter.
Anyways, I hope you find this helpful. Best of luck!
~Scribblestick, the notoriously friendly reviewer
OK guys, I figured it out.
I am one of the best in the class in my literacy, and sometimes get highest mark in tests and stories. But I can't seem to write a story with ponies. It is my weakness
I am gonna give up on this and go back to whatever else I was doing. Thanks for all the encouragement!
~ Spoldge Inks