Hi my names Admin or you can call me by my last name Walker. Depends on whoever you ask. Anyway, I’m 19 years old blue eyes, dirty blond hair around 6 feet tall, pretty slender for my age. And, well, I like MLP and MineCraft.
To me it was just another average Tuesday, go to school, get home, play MineCraft. You know the usual. Well, something strange happened when I logged in to my personal server. I was just doing a check-up before letting some people on and when I looked at the coding, there was a glitch. And I think I saw something.... I don’t know what it was but I wrote it off as Mojang doing some technical thing with the systems.
I got up and walked into my kitchen to grab a drink and a bite to eat before heading back into my room to continue maintenance on the server. Looking around my room you would never really guess I was a Brony until you saw my desktop background and my desk. I had a little Luna plush on my desk hanging from the top of the screen, it made it look like it was staring into the computer. And my background was a picture of the two princesses’ cutie marks.
Sitting back down at the computer I pulled up the server files and noticed someone had hoped on. Checking the logs I found it was my friend.
Server>Hey mike. What’s up?
Mike>Not much you?
Server>I’m running maintenance on the server.
Mike>Oh.... Want me to hop off?
Server>Nah you aren’t doing any harm to the server by being on.
Mike>Ok! I’m going to build my castle. Chat with ya later!
And with that I saw one of the commands activate, looking at the teleportation command I saw that he was headed in the right direction. Hmmmm, well at least I’ll have someone to chat to later, if I get bored.
Yawning, I moved some documents around and started on the coding and plugins for the server. Well, everything looks in order. After a couple of minutes I go back to checking the coding for the server, again I see the glitch. Looking closely I see an image inside the codes. It looked like..... Suddenly an Blinding flash of light and a ungodly screech came from my computer; it felt like an assault on my ears and eyes. I quickly closed my eyes and waited for it to pass, after a couple of minutes I opened the server chat
Server>Mike? Did you experience any lag or did anything weird happen?
Mike>Nope! Well.... Dinners ready cya mate!
<Mike has logged out
My hands flew across the keyboards as the bright light dulled down a loud hum began to fill the room, after a debug, an anti-virus scan and a redo of the entire plugin for the seven players on the server the humming stopped.
Reaching a hand to my brow I wiped some sweat away and drank my drink. “Jesus that was too close, almost lost the entire server.” I opened Skype on another screen connected to my computer.
Walker: Hey Mike I think I fixed it, still no clue what that was....
Mike: Well you can always take a look at the coding and plugin logs. See what that turns up.....
The logs! Opening another window onto the 4 screened computer station; I opened the code logs and scrolled up. What I saw their baffled me. That wasn’t possible that’s not even a code! Sitting there in bold red letters inside the coding was the words. We need you. I looked at the coding for a while trying to make sense of what was going on, until I heard a knock at my door. I quickly looked away and saw that my roommate was back, but when I looked at the codes again.... The red letters were gone.
“Hey Walker...! Where are you?”
“I’m in the computer room! I’m having some troubles with the plugins for the server!”
My roommate, John walked in holding a six pack of beer. “Dude get you’re geek ass of the computer and come clubbing with us!”
I looked at my friend with a puzzled expression. “What do you mean us? who else is with you, John.”
He smiled and walked up to me, leaning down he whispered in my ear. “On you know, just Melissa.”
My eyes widened, “Melissa? Did you say Melissa is with you?”
He looked at me with a sly smile on his face before answering. “Mmmmhmmm.”
My God, He got Melissa to go clubbing with him? How the hell did he do that! Melissa is only the hottest and smartest girl in the academy. She’s tall, long flowing brown hair, blue eyes tanned skin. And oh god, oh god is she beautiful....
“How, did you get Melissa to agree to go with you?”
He shrugged his shoulders and smiled. “I told her you were coming.”
I paled as he said that, she wanted to go with us? Clubbing? Why did she want to go clubbing with us? It makes no sense! I looked at my friend and sighed. “Sure let me fix this and then....” A beep from the computer interrupted me.
I looked at the coding and again the red words, only different this time. Don’t go out. I stared at the words inside the coding; the words intensified with a glow that wasn’t capable by a computer screen. I thought for a moment. Would I rather go out clubbing with friends? Or try and solve the mystery about the red glowing words?
After more time than I could care to count I made up my mind. “.....Sorry John, I don’t think I can go clubbing tonight. I’ve got more important things to do.”
He sighed and pulled two cans of beer off the pack of six. “Here, take them.” My eyebrows rose as I grabbed the cool beer off him. “At least try and relax tonight, just this once.”
I smiled at my childhood friend, “You know me better than that John. No promises that I can’t keep.”
We shared a laugh together then. But little did I know it would be the last laugh I would share with him for a long time.....
V^V^V^V^V Location Unknown, Time Unknown, Date Unknown V^V^V^V^V^V
“Can you prepare the spell?” the hooded man asked the monster that stood before him.
“Yesss Massster I can prepare the ssspell.” The tall bipedal monster replied.
The black cloaked man raised his head. “Then let us begin, bring him before me...... Alive....”
V^V^V^V^V^V^V^V Back at Walker’s Apartment V^V^V^V^V^V^V^V^V^V^V^V
I hummed as I worked on the coding for the server. “Hmmm maybe it’s not the server... But the computer....” Grabbing the back of the computer I opened the cover up revealing the high class 900 GB CPU. “Annnnnnd there’s my girl....” I smiled at the hand crafted computer system. Over 900 Gigs of ram and processing power. And it all belonged to me. And I needed it too, especially with all of those mods installed.
I heard a beep from the computer. Looking up I saw that the red words were on the screen again. It is time to go..... The fuck was that supposed to me-?
A bright flash of light and I found myself in a clearing. Wait a minute.... wasn’t I at my computer a few minutes ago? Looking around I couldn’t see a building in sight. Not one thing was here except.... wait a minute. This looks familiar. I began walking north for about 2 miles. When I saw it.... A castle made of the blackest materials known to Minecraftians, Obsidian.
“I’m in MineCraft?!?!?!?” I went over to a tree and punched it. Wincing as I expected the pain to hit.... It never did. Instead I heard a Crack and a distinct Plop sound as the wood broke off and landed on the floor.
“Hang on a minute. Doesn’t that mean.....” I began thinking of opening a chat up, and it did. A chat opened, right in front of me.
“Hmmmmmm I wonder....” I thought of a command to type in, a simple one. /gamemode 1..... I heard a clicking sound and looked around. “Well that was odd wonder what that WOAH!” I began to float up into the air and hovered there.
“Ok this is AWESOME! I’M FLYING! WEEEE” I speed off towards the castle as I spun in circles. I stopped as I remembered something. “Wait a minute. My MineCraft had mods installed....” I looked at my back and sure enough there was the Angel Wings Mod. “Sweet.... I have red angel wings....”
Thinking of the command to throw lightening I was given a metal rod. “Oh sweet, I still have the Lightening rod Mod.” I swung it and a bolt of electricity arced down and struck the ground, leaving a trail of fire on the soft dirt below.
“Wait a minute, if I still have all my Mods installed.... then that means. I have over a million different things that I can do! HAH... HAHA.... I AM GOD!” I screamed it to the heavens and beyond. I was happy beyond belief, I could be anything, do anything, and build anything. Destroy everything......
I stopped and blinked.... Hang on a minute I’m not the type of guy to go destroying random objects. Where had that come from? I shook my head and headed towards the ground. I landed softly on my two feet and folded my wings against my back.
“Curious... I still have the natural curves that come with my Human form. That and everything here doesn’t seem so..... Blocky....”
I heard a noise behind me and I turned slowly around. My eyes widening as the man’s did so too. I knew this person; I knew his name, what he was who he was.
“Hello Steve.” His eyes widened as I said his name. But then his eyes reduced to slits as he looked me up and down. We both heard another voice, a woman’s voice.
“Steve what did you find?”
A purple horned Equine walked into the clearing and stood next to Steve, completely oblivious to my presence. Steve raised a hand and pointed it at me, the purple Equine followed his finger and her gaze stopped on me. She gasped as I looked at her.
“W-who are y-you?” She stuttered out at me. I smiled slowly at her. My gaze went into her eyes as I walked forwards. Steve jumped in front of me holding an iron sword. He looked at me with hatred in his eyes, still through all of this I was smiling.
“Go on Steve, try it. It won’t work on me.” He squinted at me as I smiled at him. In hindsight it’s probably not a good idea to piss off the guy with the iron sword.... oh yea.
I thought of a diamond sword appearing in my hands and it did so. Steve went wide eyed as the blue blade appeared in my hands. Again I smiled at him, this time though I reached for the end of the blade and turned the hilt towards him. His eyes went wide as he stared at the blue blade before him; reaching out a hand he grasped the hilt and pulled it out of my grasp. This got a small gasp out of the purple mare behind him.
“Trust me Steve, when I say that I mean no harm to you, or to Twilight Sparkle.” The mare whose name had been called eyes went wide.
“How do you know my name?” she asked with a hint of suspicion.
I smiled at her “I know many things about this world and yours, but I can guess that just like me you were brought here. Am I right?”
Twilight looked at Steve. “Well this is his world, MineCraft he called it.”
I cocked my head at the mare and man. “Did he speak?”
Twilight frowned at me. “He can’t speak, or so he says.”
I looked at Steve and bowed to him. “I’m sorry our first meeting got off on the wrong foot Steve. My name is Walker. And as to what I am.... Well I can hazard a guess the NPC’s call me Server Admin.”
Steve’s eyes widened as I said that, he cautiously reached out a hand and placed it on my chest. I could hazard a guess that he was feeling for a heartbeat. I tried that before I think. There was none.
His hand recoiled in shock as he didn’t feel a heartbeat; Twilight confused asked him what was wrong in a hushed whisper. Pulling out a book he wrote down something, as Twilight read it her eyes got wider.
“If he’s saying I don’t have a heartbeat I already know that.”
I looked at the two shocked faces in front of me, before pointing up. “We need to build a shelter before it gets dark. Who wants to go grab the wood?”
Steve looked at me with an ‘are you kidding me?’ look..... Why is he doing...? “Oh yea, I can do that..... My bad....” I thought of wood and the pine appeared in my hand. Cracking my neck I got started on construction.
2284758 Its only in the begining stages of its life right now, but if later its still not looking good by readers standards I can go over it chapter for chapter and rework it.
what happened to his castle? was it his castle?
other than that it was pretty good please do more.
2286614 That will be mentioned at a later date. I don't want to hand out spoilers. And yes I reply quick.
and thank you for the positive feedback
Stuff. Can't really give you anything from this, need more
Interesting ^^
May started unspectacular but have quite some potential ^^ *fave+thump up+follow*
2288048 well thank you for that
2287567 Well I might want to wait for future chapters untill I look at previous chapters for any problems....
Like I said "Its only in the begining stages of its life right now, but if later its still not looking good by readers standards I can go over it chapter for chapter and rework it."
P.S.- You may want to go to my page to see when there are new chapters coming out.
Alright, you've asked for an honest review of your work. I shall give one.
Grammar isn't too bad, but I do see mistakes here and there. The lead is pretty terrible though. You start out with introducing yourself, which is BORING. There's no suspense, no drama, no tension, no action, no hook, and no reason why to keep reading.
But the biggest problem I see is Wish Fufillment. You're sacrificing character, plot, pacing, all to achieve what you want. You made yourself a God, a Gary Sue. You've given yourself millions of mods to play with in your own world. He has infinite knowledge, and impresses both Steve and Twilight. You made a 900 GB RAM computer (which would be completely pointless by the way, seeing that most applications including Minecraft remain under 6 GB, even while running a mere 12-person server)...
I do know the main character's a server admin, which would be extremely OP. But this isn't interesting. Mainly because the main character's totally and utterly boring. No backstory, no drama, no weakness, nothing.
I hope this helps. If you want to work with me further, shoot a PM over to me, and I'll see what I can do to edit.
Interesting start I will read the next chapters.
2288709 hmmmm..... I think i was just murdered
Thanks for pointing all that out. and dont worry as the story progresses I will change it more. because everone knows Minecraft always changes.
And I was planning on putting background in later not sooner, so I can't really do anything more than what I'm doing right now.
But I will work on the errors here and there. maybe even change something there. but thats all I can do without making the story seem boring to me.
Lol, a screech from your computer and you yell at someone to get off a server.... What sense does that make? It would be your computer perhaps having a hard-drive failure or a fan motor failing, nothing software wise going wrong... I just find that hilariously nonsensical.
Oh, and you seem to know nothing at all about computers. 900 gigs of ram? Sure, It would be a room full of server blades then. 900 gigabytes of processing power? That not how you measure that. Its gigaHERTZ or gigaFLOPS and 900 is ....... again, a large room worth of server racks. Even then no windows based application is built to be able to use even a fraction of that besides compliers and some programs made for research. In other words, remake that section of the story, It makes you look clueless.
Instead of saying "code" all the time use plugin -refearing to bukkit, and console- the magic window that do stuff when not in game